Saturday Post

I just learned Sweden still has a royal family. I have no idea why almost halfway through the 16th year of the 21st Century countries still have royal families but whatever, I don't live there so they could leave balloon animals in charge of everything for all I care. On the other hand, they do still have princesses, kind of like Princess Madeleine here. And if they all have that Farrah Fawcett hair like her, well that's just fine with me. Throw in some blue eye shadow, disco spandex and those disco heels and I'm in. I've heard about all the shenanigans that go on in those royal families so the fact that she's married means nothing to me. So Princess Madeleine, if you're looking for a roguish ne'er do well to hang out with while your much too busy, globe trotting prince of a husband neglects you emotionally I know just the guy you can count on.  I meant me by the way in case you were wondering.

Kim Kardashian Wears A Tarp

I haven't really felt much like writing lately, that's why there really haven't been that many updates. I'm not really sure why, I usually love being mean and making fun of people so it's not that, that hasn't changed. And the celebrity moron parade never seems to end but, there seems to be an odd lack of anyone doing anything new or maybe it's just that I've just seen it all before. They've all been remarkably the same and interchangeable over the last decade or so, it just seems like it's all the same stuff, only the faces change so maybe that's it. Maybe I'm getting mellower with time. I don't know hopefully a lot of stuff will happen this weekend. Fingers crossed!

Until then I happened to see a story where Kim Kardashian was late to a book signing, or a funeral or lunch or an electrolysis appointment or whatever it is she does for a living and she was running so late, that she had to wear the cover from the love seat in her house. Lucky for her it's exactly her size. I've always kind of liked that colonial inspired look. And hey, in the future if she keeps pumping out more babies she can always move up to the couch.

Beyonce Can Distort Reality

The picture on the left is Beyonce at the Super Bowl in February. The picture on the right is what Beyonce thinks she really looks like from something called "W Mag" from what I think was sometime last week. Fans are upset about all the photo shopping and are blaming the magazine as if Beyonce didn't have heavily armed mercenaries pointing their guns at some poor Photoshop intern while he created that fantasy picture of Queen Bey or whatever ridiculous name she's calling herself. If you think pictures like this of Beyonce don't go out without her 100% approval they should try doubling you medication or upping the voltage on your electro-shock therapy or whatever they need to do to make sure you don't cause any harm yourself or others.

Iggy Azalea and Nick Young are on a Quest

Have you ever seen the movie "The Dark Crystal"? I did once a million years ago so I hardly remember it at all, but I had no idea it was based on a true story. Maybe I should take another look at it. Most likely I won't though so you go ahead and check it out and let me know if it's any good.

Site News

I had some hilarious stories I was going to write today but I woke up to a flat tire and since no one is paying me for this come back tomorrow. Or don't. What the Hell do I care?

George Clooney Leans on a Motorcycle

George Clooney is on the May cover for Esquire Magazine's special edition "World's Sexiest Periodontists" issue. I have no idea why I think George Clooney looks like a handsome dentist, or maybe a really good looking Home Depot employee, or maybe that guy from that one place where your mom goes all the time now. Seriously I have no idea. And I actually like George Clooney. Well, I like George Clooney movies. Okay I like From "Dusk Til Dawn". Did you ever see that one movie he's in where he makes the goats faint with psychic powers or whatever the hell it is? What about that one where he's an army guy saving art from the Nazis in WWII or whatever. Jesus I really have no idea how this guy keeps his job.

Prince Dead at 57

Prince died yesterday. Was it drugs? Maybe. Was it the Zika virus? According to noted medical professional Aretha Franklin, definitely yes  Whatever the cause, 57 years old is too young to die. Unless you live fast and want to leave a good looking corpse. Either way people all over the internet are freaking out about it. I, not being an upper middle class white kid and also a male, on the other hand, didn't like his music at all and thought he was greasy, creepy and weird. And very short. Good night sweet Prince and yadda yadda yadda. I'd put a melancholy ending on this like a wounded teenager using one of his song titles but I don't really know any.  Purple Rain? That's one. Good night sweet Prince your Purple Rain will be Goin' Crazy for all eternal purplishness you weird fucking midget.

Hailee Steinfeld Wears a Jersey

Hailee Steinfeld looked sexy, I guess, in nothing but a mesh jersey that showed off her chubby teenager knees when she performed songs or did a dance or whatever the hell she did at the Dipshit Superstore otherwise known as H&M at a mall somewhere in The Middle of Nowhere, Texas. I'm sorry, I admit I don't know who she is and you can't make me. I've included a link to the original story where I stole this picture from ion case you want to sift through it and figure out who she is. If you do, e-mail me and let me know. Oh sure I'll just delete it without reading it, but at least it'll give you something to do you loser. Anyway, keep up the good work Kate Shenfeld. The world needs more H&Ms and I know you can help spread their brand of luxurious clothing and kaffir scarves for guys that have those Abraham Lincoln beards and ride skateboards well into their 30's.

The New Fast and Furious' New Poster is Great

Have you seen the new Fast and Furious poster? It's right there if you haven't . I've seen it called "moving", and "heartbreaking" and "sad" and I agree. Not because it's missing that guy that was killed in a fiery car wreck while Vin Diesel looks off into the distance with his head cocked to one side like a dog and he's trying to understand a noise he just heard. No, it's sad because it has barely any words on it. Did you notice that? Just the name of the movie and the release date. There are no other words printed there, not for emotional effect, but because the people that go see Fast and Furious movies can't read.  And in 2016 that's what's really sad.

Michelle Pfeiffer is Dateable

I was feeling pretty bad about myself today and then I remembered Michelle Pfeiffer dated this guy for three years and I realized that just about anything really is possible.

Naomi Campbell is Hauntingly Beautiful

The ghost of Naomi Campbell showed up on the red carpet at some fancy celebrity fund raiser thing. What a shame I didn't even know she was dead. So young. Why do ghosts always dress in that 1870's lace? You'd think the after-life would provide you with more options, especially since I'm sure it's a pain to keep clean, what with all the spooky road hitchhiking and walking through old graveyards and bumping into tombstones at night. Just one of the great unsolved mysteries of the universe I guess.

Susan Sarandon Has Pyramid Power

Susan Sarandon was at the Tribeca Film Festival on Tuesday, so, yesterday, talking about being single and  promoting her new film that I already forgot the name of and I'm not going to bother looking up. You have Google do it yourself what am I a librarian? This isn't about that anyway. This is about the fact that she's 69 years old, for real and she looks pretty damn good. And so how can I put this politely? Yes. I would....um...totally...um...bang her. Hey I was polite about it. Actually after thinking about it for 10 seconds now I'm not so sure. She's one of those pretentious New Yorker hippie dipshits so you'd probably wind up having sex on a bed of sage or under a pyramid, and with a lot of pot smoking, talking about global warming uncomfortable chanting and having to stop and vote for Bernie Sanders or God knows what else. You know what? In the end it's probably not worth the hassle.

Daisy Lea NUDE and the Xerox Machine

This is Playboy Playmate Daisy Lea. I didn't know they had Playmates anymore. I thought they stopped showing nudity or stopped printing Playboy or the building burned down, or whatever happened to Playboy. I was going to write the usual "Isn't she hot?!" or maybe "My future ex-wife..." or "blah, blah, blah..." or some other smart ass and as usual, totally hilarious story but -- another six foot blonde with big boobs? -- Hurray. Maybe I'm getting old or something but after a while all these cookie cutters start to look exactly like the last "Hottest Woman in the World!" from six months ago. I'm sure she's probably very sweet, and helps blind kids or something and it's not her fault at all. I could just be in a bad mood who knows. Maybe I need to just buckle down, get to work, and look around at some other mostly naked or totally naked women that always makes me feel better. Thanks Daisy Lea for inspiring me.

Johnny is Fast and Furious

Johnny Manziel finally gives up football. "I just really love working on and driving lowered BMWs" he said. No word yet on whether or not he installed one of those mufflers on his car that makes it sound like a giant, angry bee. His appointment to get a "shocker" tattoo however, is all set for Saturday.

Katie Holmes Might Be Bad

Katie Holmes always looks like she's up to something. What kind of horrible secret is she hiding. Whatever it is I hope it's sexy. Horrible sexy secrets are the best kind. Your sensible pantsuit isn't fooling anyone you secret vixen.

Kellan Lutz Wlaks Around Shirtless

Kellan Lutz from The Twilight series (?) was at Coachella with his new Village People tribute band. I hope they get the attention they deserve, tribute bands are the unsung heroes of America's gay community.

Princess Beatrice Escapes

Princess Beatrice of York escaped from the UCLA Medical Center's psych ward again. They should try to keep better track of these people, don't they have some kind of security? They had to have their guys in white suits chase her around with one of those giant butterfly nets for hours before they finally got her back to her room. And for the record, out of fairness I tried to find a picture of her where it doesn't look like her face is going to explode from insanity but I couldn't find any.

Channing Tatum is a Mystery

Channing Tatum showed up somewhere drunk in a tuxedo again. He is drunk right? Is he drunk? Or just stupid. I'm not sure I guess it could go either way. I'd say let's toss a coin to find out but the shiny thing flying through the air might distract him and cause his equilibrium to fail and he looks kind of like a big dude so you don't want to be trying to pick that guy up off the floor. Let's just leave him alone.

Paris Jackson Gets More Rebel-y

Noted rebel Paris Jackson turned 18 and promptly became the first person in history to get a tattoo inside her lower lip. She got a Motley Crue tattoo because aside from being a rebel, she's into hip new things. By the way, Motley Crue's first album was released in 1981.  Nearly two full decades before she was even born. I bet she wished she really "lived during the 80's".  I just wonder if she's ever actually even seen pictures of Motley Crue. Because I'm going to guess she hasn't.

Natalie Imbruglia is a Hero

Remember Natalie Imruglia? She had a hit in the mid/late 90's that I haven't heard since roughly 1999 and I remember thinking she was kind of hot at the time in a very cute way. Well she's still pretty hot today and I guess still recording but I don't know because I don't buy music that sucks, I don't care how hot they are. Here she is performing her real passion though. Dragging decrepit pirate ghosts out of their watery graves. You're a brave woman Natalie keep up the good work.

Joseph Baena Escapes

This is Arnold Schwarzenegger's 18 year old son Joseph Baena and not an escaped freak science experiment like I originally thought. Sorry I screamed "LOOK OUT IT'S GETTING INTO A CAR!" I was just reacting. Sorry. I'm always on my toes and ready for action.

Chloe Lattanzi Has Looks that Kill

Olivia Newton-John's 30 year old killer robot (probably) daughter Chloe Lattanzi showed up with her Fiance who's name I think is Hit Me in the Face With a Chair at some SyFy event which makes total sense since the nerd-losers that actually watch that crappy, shit show of a channel have been waiting for sex robots for like forever. Don't get me wrong I can't say I'm disagreeing with them. If there's one thing me and nerds agree on it's Sex Robots. It must be hard for that guy to always find a seat next to an electrical outlet though. I guess maybe deactivating her Series 300X LazerEyez probably helps conserve battery power long enough to get through an awards show.

Mariah Cary is a Smuggler

Mariah Carey was photographed trying to smuggle a beach ball under the back of her dress and onto a plane when she left for the start of her music tour titled "Beach Balls for Butt Babies" or wherever the fuck she's going. It's a private plane Mariah, you could have just carried it on you know. No one cares if you blow yourself up. Oh they may have 20 years ago but not in 2016.