Billie Eilish is Gay. Now.

Hey everyone Billie Eilish is suddenly gay now. What a shocking development. I've never heard even the remotest mention about her sexuality until just this minute. What a coincidence this all is. If a fad started where people began describing themselves as Mr. Snuffleupagus, tomorrow afternoon half of you people would show up to school or work wearing a purple elephant trunk on your face. Don't any of you ever have even a single independent, original thought? 

Well... it's starting to look like I need to take another week off from this

Naomi Watts Works It

 Naomi Watts went to the gym and then talked about her workout routine and then her skincare routine and oh my god who the fuck cares. I do however, want you to realize that Naomi Watts is 55 years old. I just want you to remember that when I tell you this is what a 55 year old looked like in 1980.  As far as I'm concerned there's nothing wrong with either one, but I'm super weird and it's mostly a style thing anyway.  But let's face it Naomi Watts is smokin', and she easily competes with ant 28 year old reading this. Plus she isn't 28 years old so that's even better.

She is Australian though and it's a bit of a problem for me. More on that some other time

There was one other gym picture but they both include her "trainer" and he looked like he was in worse shape than me so I think he has a lot of nerve calling himself a trainer and I'm not having some doughy guy stinking up my blog. So in conclusion I'll send you guys an invitation for when me and Naomi get married.

Sydney Sweeney in Red

 I haven't written about Sydney Sweeney in a couple of days so thank God she went on vacation to Hawaii and rode around in a Jeep in a bikini, but I actually didn't like any of those pictures though so I used this one instead. I still say for reasons I can't put my finger on she reminds me of a 1930s' gun moll. And if you think that's an insult you don't know me at all. Yikes.

What I will say is, finally Hollywood and the media picked a Hollywood "It Girl" I can really get behind. I mean an It Girl that I can really mount on a pedestal. Wait that sounds bad too. How about.. an It Girl I'd like to have sex with. There that's much better. Hey remember when the newest "It Girl" was Amber Heard? Haha! Those were the days

JENNIFER ANISTON FRIENDS REUNION

 Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston went to an Iron Maiden concert last weekend, no of course I'm kidding it was some restaurant, and every time they do this everyone calls it a "mini Friends reunion". I don't know what the occasion was because every time I see the phrase "mini Friends reunion" I stop reading, but they have to call these events something to get you dullards reading and clicking and you all seem to love Friends, so maybe there's your answer. And even though it features Jennifer Aniston, I'd say over the course of my entire life I've seen maybe 10 minutes of Friends in total and it's way, WAY to sitcomy for me. 

I usually love women with short hair but I'm officially begging Jennifer to do something else with hers. Grow it out, shave it off, dye it blue (which sounds like a great idea actually), I honestly don't care what you do just something other than what she's doing now. Anyway, I hope they had fun three days ago.

Camila Cobello is a Poser

 Camila Cobello joined every other B-List shit-head and played dress up to go to Coachella. This will be the only time I mention Coachella as I have zero idea why anyone makes such a big deal out of this. Going to any kind of music festival seems... outdated? It just seems like a weird thing to do in 2024. It's also possible that I'm getting old but I doubt that's it. If a music festival had anyone playing that I had any interest in seeing, and tickets weren't $480 for one day, I would probably go. But I'm not paying $1000 for two tickets to go watch a 35 minute set by "Sandy Duncan's Eye" while surrounded by 17 year olds and Camila Cobello, no thanks.

Jennifer Lopez is a White Night

 Jennifer Lopez put on a tight white dress and went for a "mom's night out" whatever that is. It's funny there's no mention of her husband lately, what's that guy's name? Oh right Ben Affleck. I bet she forgot too. I hope she had a good time considering nobody is buying her album, or tickets for her "world tour".  I've been saying for years that these two (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez), should take their money and retire to a fancy cabin in the woods somewhere. It's not going to get better for them from here. 

At this point who remembers Jennifer Lopez? People that watch The View and think that women still need to be "empowered" that's who, even though women run 76% of the Human Resources departments, are in charge of most colleges,  and even head up  most of Hollywood now.  

Well either way I'm going to avoid writing about Jennifer Lopez going forward. Mostly because she's boring and really nobody cares any more

Go Back to the Machine

 Yeah he's right. despite what all of the replies say, because they don't know anything, trust me. I've been saying this for three years now. You should all be back in the office. I can't believe we're even having this discussion in mid-2024. 97% of you simply aren't built to be working on your own. You all need to be herded back into those buildings like the mindless cattle you are, so you can be paid to answer emails or read spreadsheets while wearing khakis and a golf shirt or whatever the fuck you do, while some office manager named April, or Beth, or Mark keeps an eye on you. My neighbor "works from home" and he spends all day walking his dog up and down the street. I don't even know what he does, but I hope it isn't designing airplanes, or bridges. 

You all have a herd mentality. It's not really as bad as I make it sound, we need you, the way some flowers need ants so they can blossom. But it's also why you'll cheer for college basketball teams that play for schools you didn't attend, or baseball teams from cities where you don't live. It's why traffic slows to a crawl to look at the shiny blinking lights that act like some weird beacon to you, while some cop gives a guy a ticket for posting crap on Facebook while driving. It's simply how you are. It defines your very existence. And it's okay. Accept it.

And the real fact of the matter is, it takes a special kind of person to be isolated at home like that. It's something innate that you can't really develop. Plus it takes years and years of practice. How do I know this? Because for most of my adult working life I owned my own businesses and I know what it means to work alone. I know it means that my very survival depends on me being motivated to actually work as opposed to watching 1970s era Match Game on the Game Show Channel while you occasionally move the computer mouse back and forth so the ever watching Eye in the Sky doesn't get you fired for non-performance.  

So I've had co-workers, and I've had no co-workers, and for me, no co-workers is best, as I am absolutely incapable of being a team player. And believe me I tried. I want to be normal like you. But I've been working "from home" since quite literally the early 2000s, and I know from experience that most of you aren't qualified for that. It's really that simple. 

Going "to the office", whether it's in a building or in a farm field, or building pyramids, it's how humans have worked since humans existed, and certainly how they've worked for the last 200 years. 

It's not your fault that you're a cog in the machine, it's how you were raised. By your parents, your family, and by school.  So you should go out there and be the best cog in the machine you can be, because the machine needs cogs so it can function. 

You should actually feel very proud. So get on that train or sit in traffic for 90 minutes on the way to your cubicle and go get 'em tiger