Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Seth Meyers is Good With Names

Like the real man that he is, Seth Meyers "broke down in tears" as he described to his audience why they named his son after his wife. But don't worry, I'm sure he mentioned it to the girls down at the salon while he was getting his nails done first, you know, just to get the details straight. I didn't know a lot of things about Seth Meyers. First that he was married, second that his wife was expecting, or third that he still had a television show on the air, I bet it's on the Esquire Channel. so all of that is more of a shock to me than the fact that he cried after he gave his son a girls name. I would ask him to help me work on my car this weekend but being the first weekend of the month I'll just assume that's when his knitting club meets.

Keith Urban is Hip

Keith Urban arrived at the airport with his creepy uncle hair ahead of his emergency appointment to get his tips frosted. Hey, he's lucky a lot of dudes in their 40's don't even have hair. I mean I assume he's in his 40's because the only people that get that haircut are 15 year old high school sophomores and 40 something year old dudes that are going to hit on your daughter in a bar somewhere.

Monday, March 28, 2016

Site News

I haven't really felt like writing, I'm not really sure why. I was going to write a bunch of stuff yesterday to try to get a jump on the week then there was this Mountain Monsters marathon on TV and well, I think you know what I mean. So I promise I will.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Mistaken Identity

I've been kind of busy, and as I said before there really hasn't been too much to write about that wasn't boring so I haven't really been keeping up with too much celebrity news or who the hot new celebrities are. Like the guy in the picture. I guess his actual name is Jesse Metcalfe and not, The Guy I Want to Punch in the Face as Hard as I Can. I guess I've been wrong this whole time. Oh well, live and learn.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Halle Berry Has a New Look

Halle Berry was out with a friend and some stupid kids showing of her new look. I believe its called Caitlyn Jenner. It's when you walk around looking like Caitlyn Jenner. I don't know for sure why you'd want to do that but she looks good in anything so I think she can pull it off.

Amy Schumer is a Financial Genius

This originally started as a story about Amy Schumer wearing a bikini. She's cute and all I guess but I'm still not sure I know who she is besides being a comedienne and anyway from what I hear she's a joke thief. Plus she looks pretty average in a bikini. Imagine a doughy, white college girl that drinks too much on the weekends and viola. There you go. But buried in that story was the tale of Amy Schumer leaving a $1000 tip on a $77 dollar bar tab. The writer was of course gushing over her generosity because that's what idiots do. Amy Schumer could set a puppy on fire and people would still kiss her ass for some reason. But I say, So what? She has a net worth of $10 million dollars. I'm not sure WHY she has $10 million dollars or how she made it but that's life. Who can explain it. $1000 dollars to her is literally nothing. It's meaningless.

 If you put $10 million dollars in the bank and just let it sit there -- you don't even have to do anything -- just ignore it like it wasn't there, the interest would pile up so fast you couldn't spend it all. If you had a 1.5% annual percentage rate on $10 million, that would equate to $150,000 per year in interest. That is about $12,500 per month. That's FREE MONEY. And some people like the waiter that served her probably earn $12,500 a year. I guess my only question then is, why isn't Amy Schumer, leaving $1000 tips for every low paid bartender or waiter? What's so generous about handing someone what to her amounts to a couple of dollars? She could lose $1000 in the street tomorrow and most likely wouldn't even notice, unlike me who'd wind up homeless or working as a prostitute over that same amount of money. I guess she's saving up for her inevitable flame out which should be coming any time now.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

So Long Bella Thorne

My former favorite new actress Bella Thorne was hanging out poolside with her standard issue 20 something boyfriend. Somebody named Gregg Sulkin. And of course it's Greg with two g's why wouldn't it be. I say she's my former favorite new actress, not because of backward baseball hat guy up there who I would bet my life along with the v-neck shirt and backward baseball hat, is wearing black Adidas/Nike socks and those rubber sandals. I know you can't see them in the picture, but you're just going to have to trust me on this. You think I've never seen or met a 20 something year old? They're all exactly the same. And there's the problem. It turns out Bella Thorne is just 18 which I didn't know. And all 18 year olds are just like regular adult people that have fallen and hit their heads on the corner of a set of concrete steps, I don't care how sexy they are. Sorry Bella I'll catch you later. Maybe give me a call sometime when you don't have to hang around outside Walgreen's and pay a homeless guy to buy you beer.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Irina Shayk Hangs Out

I haven't really seen much worth writing about so I haven't written. All of the celebrity pages are always filled with the same five or six boring people. "Here's Jessica Simpson going to dinner (AGAIN)". "Here's Gwyneth Paltrow walking around while shopping". All I saw so far that interested me today was this picture of a donkey with model Irina Shayk. Isn't he cute? Look at him just hanging out like "Hey! Look at me!" What a cute pair they are.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Jennifer Aniston is America

Jennifer Aniston is in the 19th century throwback magazine Haper's Bazaar. I didn't even know there still was a Harper's Bazaar. Who still reads that? Old ladies with big broaches on their frilly dresses and those little eyeglasses on a stick that's who. But there she is in what's probably the greatest picture ever taken. It makes you want to punch commies doesn't it? She really can do no wrong. Except for the time she married that clown show Jackie Throwback or whatever the Hell his name supposedly is. C'mon Jen the guy is in his 40's and still wears skinny jeans, if you want to hang out and play with falcons and punch commies you need to hang out with someone like me. Don't worry you'll be perfectly safe I'll just dial the danger level back until you feel more comfortable.

Jennifer Lopez is Up to No Good

Jennifer Lopez snapped her cap and briefly reverted to her "Jenny from the block" days when she was spotted stealing ill fitting clothes from the laundromat again. That guy in the picture didn't see nothin' he's just minding his own business over here. It really brings back memories doesn't it Jen? Later she stole some hubcaps off of old man Leroy Green's car from right in front of his house, and then knifed a guy during a game of craps behind  the bodega on 72nd Street.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Daphne Joy is a Good Person

This is Jason Derulo's girlfriend Daphne Joy. I have obviously never met her but let me see if I can describe her for you based strictly on how she's dressed. Oh and her pony tail.

  • She hangs out in VIP bottle service sections in "clubs".
  • Thinks Rolex is the classiest watch you could own.
  • Goes to the pool (in Las Vegas of course) in high heels.
  • Thinks Las Vegas is cool and fun.
  • "It's expensive therefore it's better!" 
  • Will stand by your side through thick and thin until the money runs out

I've been trying for two days to figure out a way to end this dumb story but I can't. I have zero interest in this oxygen waster and people like her annoy the Hell out of me, and frankly I wouldn't be any more interested in her than she'd be interested in me. I really just wanted a way to show you I remembered how to do bullet points. Pretty cool huh?

Giddyup Cowboy

Sacha Baron Cohen was dressed up like a cowboy for some reason while he was out promoting his new movie "The Brothers Grimsby". No, I have no idea why he would be dressed like that because I don't think it's about cowboys.  I've heard this movie called "shocking" on more than one occasion, and I assume they mean I'd be shocked if I ever saw it. Is that what they mean? Because that would be pretty shocking.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Steven Tyler Needs Fresh Meat

67 year old Steven Tyler was seen stepping out with his 28 year old girlfriend Aimee Ann Preston. Once again I'll go on record saying the difference in their respective ages is nobody's business but their own except in this case I think it's more likely that Steven is keeping her around so he can harvest her healthy young organs as he needs them. Watch out Aimee he can't be trusted!

Love is in the Air

Zac Efron and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson were filming a new movie somewhere on the beach in the shithole otherwise known as Miami Florida when an impromptu manly pull up contest broke out. I'm not sure who won but afterward they went out to dinner and maybe saw a movie and let everything else happen naturally.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Matthew Perry is on his Way to Bangor, Maine

Matthew "King of the Road" Perry is performing somewhere in the West End of London, wherever that is, when he suddenly realized he left his hobo bindle on the Red Ball Express after he hopped a midnight freighter for his recent trip to Chadron, Nebraska while looking for work. Cryptically all he would say was; "Remember, I ain't got no cigarettes, but two hours of pushing broom buys an 8 x 12 four bit room."  Actors are always so weird.

Lena Dunham Naked

Happy Monday! Tuesday! I Wrote this yesterday and then I got sick and I didn't feel like posting anything or eating or being awake or upright. So anyway here's Lena Dunham naked. Hey I had to see it and now so do you. I'm not doing this for fun you know.

Monday, March 7, 2016

Gwyneth is Climbing High into the Sun

Gwyneth Paltrow was photographed while she was out shopping on Saturday afternoon moments before her head floated off of her shoulders and vanished into the wild blue yonder. Godspeed Gwyneth's head.

!!BREAKING NEWS!! Star Wars The Saga Never Ends

 Director J.J. Abrams, who by the way actually is a little short for a stormtrooper, discussed the possibility of more and more and more Star Wars movies could be treated to a whole new level of immersion in a Galaxy far, far away, as Disney are reported to be currently planning up to 10 more releases following The Force Awakens.Following Episode VII's triumphant release in December studio bosses are already said to be planning a slew of new titles under the franchise, as well as character spin-offs.

 Just 10?! Why not 100? This should go on forever and ever. Maybe make one with Batman. "Batman VS Boba Fett: The Force is Now" Or maybe "Star Wars Episode 88: Leia is in Her Bikini Again!" The possibilities really are endless.  They could have the people from the X-Files in one. Maybe whatever TV show is hip at the time could be included. Like remember when everyone watched The Sons of Anarchy? Bikers from Outer Space. Maybe they could have one where Luke goes back in time and accidentally keeps Darth Vader from meeting his mother and him and Yoda have to figure out a way to make sure everything works out okay and get him back to the future without using the force. I'm sure you'll be in line for every one of them. Nerd.

Friday, March 4, 2016

Reese Witherspoon is Fun in the Sun

The site I stole this picture from said Reese Witherspoon was channeling Pamela Anderson during Pamela's Baywatch days. I guess because Reese was wearing a red bathing suit? Are they sure they've seen Baywatch? Or Pamela Anderson? Because I've seen both of those things and nothing they said makes any sense. I suppose they could have meant that television show "My Aunt Ruth Goes to the Beach" because if that's what they meant then yes they were 100% accurate.

Bella Thorne Goes to the Beach

I thought Bella Thorne was a character in those dumb, teenage glittery vampire movies but it turns out she's my new favorite actress.

Ariel Winter Does Stuff

Modern Family actress Ariel Winter showed up at a Vanity Fair-Fiat 500 celebrity thing some time earlier this week but I forgot when dressed in her Halloween costume from last year for some reason, which she described as "Puffed Up Britney Spears". I'm sure it was a hit.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Paris Jackson is a Rebel

Michael Jackson's 17 year old daughter Paris took up smoking, cut her hair into a sort of a mohawk and dyed it orange because she's a rebel. Lucky for her she's the first 17 year old to ever do this sort of thing. I'll bet you $50 she's wearing Doc Martens and has at least two closets full of Ramones, and Misfits t-shirts. Later she'll try to convince her friends that she's liked The Dead Kennedys for like forever. She might only be 17 but I don't know why the police aren't arresting her for being a trouble making punk.

Rumor Willis Dresses Up

Rumor Willis was at the Eal FA AIR Gold Trophy Gala and all I'll say is, Poor thing. I'm sure she's probably very nice though.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Henry Cavil Has a Girlfriend

Henry Cavil is 32. His girlfriend Tara King is 19. Normally I wouldn't even notice an age difference between two people because A: it's none of my business, B: it totally depends on the people involved and 3: who really cares. But come on man she's 19. My only problem with this is that 19 year old girls are basically mentally retarded. Think about it. This time last year she was shopping for her prom dress and wondering how they were going to get beer and Mike's Hard Lemonade for the after party at the Red Roof Inn. Have you ever been in a store with a herd of girls shopping for prom dresses? It's like a noisy Dawn of the Dead and you can't legally shoot any of them. Hey man like I said it's your life. But think about it this way. If you guys are stopped by police and she's drunk you could probably be charged with "contributing to the delinquency of a minor" so have fun in lock up that kind of criminal offense should make you really popular in there.

How to be Single

Rebel Wilson dressed up like a pinata and was out promoting her new movie "How to be Single"  this week and there's the photographic evidence to prove it. There is zero chance I'll ever actually see this garbage dump of a movie but if I had to guess the plot, it's if you want to learn how to be single just look like Rebel Wilson.

Britney Spears is Flexible

Here's a picture of Britney Spears doing the splits. I cropped her stupid kid out of the picture because nobody needs that. And don't worry this was just a throw away sort of story. I saw it a few minutes ago and thought I'd share it I have a lot more award winning content to come.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016


Russell Crowe's mystery girlfriend has been revealed as Ellie Aitken and I guess she isn't his girlfriend because apparently she's married to the guy in that picture. Unless she IS Russell's girlfriend and she's married to that guy at the same time. Who knows she's from Australia and they're all criminals down there you know, so who can say what those bunch of weirdos are up to. She is very attractive though. In a very odd non-sexual, non-threatening kind of newscaster on the street sort of way. I don't know maybe it's just me. Hey it's just my opinion it's okay for you to disagree and be wrong it's your life.

Russell Crowe Works Out

Russell Crowe pretended to go to the gym with his way way to cute girlfriend. Nobody seems to know who she is, or how old she is, or whether or not her hair smells nice which I bet it does. I have to admit women do seem to love him for some reason. Who knows, maybe it's his drinking or explosive temper. But anyway, you can tell he's going to work out by the fact that his clothes have the name of a work out place silk screened right on them as opposed to the shirts he usually wears which judging by the picture probably say IHOP right across the front.

Jason Segel Avoids Hot Lamps and Direct Sunlight

Jason Segel and his girlfriend Alexi Mitiz or whatever her name is couldn't make it to the Independet Film Whatevers so they sent their wax figures along instead. I'd hate to be the guy that had to move those things around they must be heavy. Jesus, they look like a couple of characters you'd see at the end of a creepy Outer Limits or Twilight Zone episode. I wonder if they come to life at night and steal people's souls like all wax figures and porcelain dolls.

!!UPDATE!!  Her name is Alexis Minter