Tuesday, May 31, 2016

There's Another Kardashian

Rob Kardashian and his wife/girlfriend/fiance or whatever she is Blac China (?) hosted a pool party for some reason at - where else - Sky Beach Club in Las Vegas. Where it's still cool to wear a flat brimmed baseball hat. The party was BYOB, "Bring Your Own Burgers" because the gigantic poolside buffet the hotel was providing was strictly for Rob and Blac.

Tom Hiddleston Will Make You Some Tea

!!!CONFIRMED!!! Tom Hiddleston is in negotiations to play James Bond in the ongoing and increasingly boring film franchise. I mean let's face it, Sean Connery is James Bond. "Dr. No", "From Russia With Love", "Thunderball", "Goldfinger"... Oh sure I personally think "Live and Let Die" is actually one of the best James Bond movies overall and that stars Roger Moore but still, have you ever sat through a whole James Bond movie? My guess would be most likely not. I'm pretty sure they make them all three and a half hours long on purpose just so they can destroy as many $200,000 cars as they can. Well, this time they picked a new guy based strictly on his British sounding name Tom Hiddleston. Could you be more British than that? Not unless his middle name is Crumpets. Still nothing is confirmed, sources say they're still talking to a guy named Ian-Geoff St John Smythe Wrigglesworth. Good luck Ian.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Petra Nemcova is Photogenic

It's Friday and Petra Nemcova showed off her nipples in Cannes. That's it. That's the whole story. And since it's Friday and a long holiday weekend I'll just leave this here for a while. You know, in case you've never seen nipples before. And if you haven't, welcome to the internet. There are nipples literally almost everywhere, but hey maybe you just arrived. From that cave. On Mars.

Coco Austin Loves the Sea

Ice-T's wife Coco Austin -- the failed prototype of Kim Kardashian --  got caught up in a fisherman's net again. They really should do something about those things. Still, it's better than the last time when she got her head stuck in that six pack ring and nearly strangled to death. You're supposed to be cutting those up you know.

Ne-Yo is Ready to Party

Ne-Yo shared a picture of his wife and 2 month old son on Instagram. I don't care about babies so if you want to see the picture click here. The real point of this story is actually a question. Does the name Ne-Yo mean New Years Eve? Because he's dressed like a 25 year old Italian guy from Melrose Park that's celebrating New Year's Eve at one of those all inclusive hotel parties at the Hilton downtown. Have a great 2017 Ne-Yo.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Goodbye Amy Schumer

I'm writing this to say I will no longer be writing about Amy Schumer. She seems terribly average in every way. I don't think she's particularly funny and she seems terribly boring. Amy Schumer to me is like if Wednesday was a person. All she ever seems to talk about is how happy she is with the way she looks. She uses words to describe how happy she is with her appearance like a guy that combs his hair over a bald spot. So unless she becomes a vampire hunter, or falls down some stairs while carrying a silver tea set like you'd see on Benny Hill I'm done with her.

Amber Heard Wants a Divorce

Wow. I'm stunned. Who could have seen this coming? After four years of marriage Amber Heard filed for divorce from Johnny Depp. She cited irreconcilable differences and, of course, she's asking for spousal support. She is also getting the villa in Switzerland and the dogs. Johnny gets the house on Jupiter Island, and all the rings, and bracelets he can wear out of the courthouse.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Britney Spears Goes Shopping

This is Britney Spears on Instagram again. Good lord she's hot isn't she? Does she even record music anymore? I have no idea nor do I care. Maybe I'll turn this into a Britney Tribute Blog. Wouldn't that be fun? Call me Britney, we'll talk. Over drinks. At that cute little place by the beach. I don't care how many times I've been thrown out of there they'll never stand in the way of our love.

Free Marilyn Monroe Picture

This picture of Marilyn Monroe, taken in 1957 by Richard Avedon sold for $110,000. Here it is for free if you want it.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Site News

I got a new job. Well, kind of. It's probably only temporary and most likely part time but that along with some other things that have been going on, it's all probably going to throw a wrench into the works for me until I get settled.  You see, I'm a very busy Man of Action. I'm a blur of activity, kind of like a bunch of crack heads stealing rims. So if you see the following story topics repeated over and over, it's only because I'll be following the stories that are in the headlines and these people usually are for whatever reason...

Johnny Depp
Demi Moore
Britney Spears
Jessica Simpson
That one asshole

I still want to keep writing but I got a bunch of irons in the fire. Don't worry I swear it'll all shake out. And now I'm running out of things my grandfather used to say so in closing I'll mention one thing, that and a buck will get you a cup of coffee.

Demi Moore is the New Doctor Who

Demi Moore is in the news again. But this time for more supernatural reasons. This is a picture of her leaving the Cinderella Rockefella Disco in 1975 proving she as ageless mutant. I'm kidding of course, it was last night. I hope she left some amyl nitrate, and cocaine for everyone else.

Johnny Depp is a Mad Max Character Now

Johnny Depp showed up to be interviewed on some idiotic late night talk show, probably Jimmy Mimbrelallonl or whatever, to discuss his new role as Lord Nightman, Benevolent Leader of the Wasteland. ALL HAIL NIGHTMAN

Monday, May 23, 2016

Britney Spears has a Cape

The Billboard Music Awards was on last night and I completely forgot all about it, which is a shame too because Britney Spears showed up in an outfit she ordered from the Frederick's of Hollywood 50% of catalogue. Did I say I was complaining?

Andy Samberg is Hip

Andy Samberg and Saturday Night Live continued their cutting edge comedy on Saturday with a song about Osama Bin Laden. You know, the terror group leader that was killed five years ago? I hear next week they're working on a hilarious skit about Judge Ito meeting Richard Nixon for coffee at that restaurant in L.A. that has a big bowler hat for a sign.

Calvin Harris Probably has Weed

Taylor Swift's boyfriend Calvin Harris was rushed to the hospital after a car accident left him with lacerations on his face.  I hope they didn't have to shave off that cool high school pot dealer beard of his to patch him up.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Jamie Foxx is Weird Looking Possibly Hard of Hearing

I always thought Jamie Foxx was really weird looking. He looks like this hard of hearing kid named Billy I was friends with when I went to grade school that this other kid Mark was picking on all the time, and this one time while he was being teased for the billionth time by Mark I swear this hard of hearing kid summoned all of  his strength and picked this bully up over his head like the goddamn Hulk and threw him down onto the ground like you'd see in a karate movie or something. That was nuts, I'll never forget that. Sorry I'm off track, fuck you Jamie Foxx.

Olivia Munn Walks Her Dog

It's confession time. I have absolutely no business writing about celebrities. I'd guess at least 50% of the time I have zero idea who they are or why they are celebrities mostly because if it doesn't involve hot rods or motorcycles I don't care. Like Olivia Munn. I remember she was on some show about video games or something, and today she's in the news because she took her dog for a walk while wearing shorts but that's pretty much it. It can't be because she's good looking, because in my opinion, she's only slightly above average at best. In fact, she reminds me of the girl in the crowded bar on a Saturday night with her three wacky friends and they're all wearing paper tiaras and ordering "sex on the beach" *giggle*. Can you be famous for that? Because I'd recognize that girl anywhere. In fact I used to know a girl named Stephanie G. that was like a hot version of Olivia Munn. She got married though like I didn't even exist. I'd say Stephanie made a huge mistake but here I am writing this so I'd have to guess her choice was pretty spot on. Good job Stephanie I knew you were smart.

Candice Swanepoel Topless

Every story I've seen about this is going on, and on, and about how Candice Swanepoel is "topless" in her Instagram picture where she reveals the sex of her baby. 1. It's a boy, 2. That's not topless. I've been to enough bars to know what topless means so nice try but I'm not fooled. If she was really topless I'd be whipping dollar bills at her right now. Well, if I had any. I can owe you. I swear I'll get it

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Alicia Cargile Took First Place

This is Kristen Stewart's supposed on again off again girlfriend Alicia Cargile, who was in Cannes for the big annual Blossom Lookalike Contest. Weird. I didn't know Kristen Stewart was gay, or still famous for that matter. Did you ever see that movie she's in called The Runaways? Don't bother, it isn't porn at all. How can people just lie to me like that.

Kit Harrington is All Smiles

Kit Harrington (fake name) appeared on Jimmy Fallon/Kimmel -- I don't remember which or even when but really  what's the difference -- to talk about John Thrones and Snow of Games or whatever television show it is at the moment that you people are constantly annoying me with. It's a TV show. It's not real. Don't you have enough problems? Do you have to worry about fake problems other people are having too? Sons of Anarchy, The Shield, Breaking Bad, Murphy Brown...for the love of Jesus shut up. I wasn't even going to write about this asshole but the picture in the header kept showing up everywhere I looked like a ghost that was trying to warn me about something. Wait a minute. Wait just a minute. What could this picture be trying to tell me? Oh wait! I hear something! "Beeeewaaare the mullety jewfroooh"  Beware the mullety jewfro? What the fuck does that mean? So the guy has a mullety jewfro it's his head, he's the one that's haunted by it not me.

Pete Burns is Here

Oh sweet Jesus. This is Pete Burns, the guy that sang "You Spin Me Right 'Round" or whatever the title of that song is, and not a psychopathic murdering cannibal from some bizarre-o John Waters movie.

Gwen Stefani Has Grrrl Power

 *Editor's note: This is probably the worst thing I've ever written

Gwen Stefani performed at Wango Tango in Los Angeles. Wango Tango has been happening every year for almost 20 years and I first heard about it five minutes ago. But hey Demi Lovato, Ariana Grande, and someone named Zayn were there, so it must be important. Gwen wasn't really there to perform anyway. She just stood around looking like her new poseable action figure that teaches girls they can be anything they want. Kind of like a fashionable Barbie Doll I guess.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Ela Kawalec is Like the Sun at Night

Leonardo DiCaprio has a new girlfriend, Polish model Ela Kawalec. My favorite part of the 21st century so far is how every 20 something blonde with a bikini and an Instagram account is considered a model now. Have fun Leo and remember she's Polish so keep her away from your light bulbs.

What the Heck?

This guy from Venezuela isn't a celebrity either but HOLY CRAP LOOK AT HIS HEAD! I bet it's a hassle finding just the right hat. I know your pain my man I have an odd shaped head myself. Nothing like that of course but still what a hassle

George Clooney Prognosticates

George Clooney says there will not be a President Trump.
"There's not going to be a President Donald Trump," declared Clooney. "It's not going to happen, because fear is not going to be something that drives our country..."
"...Trump is actually a result of the news programs [that] didn't follow up and ask questions."
Gee. That last part sounds kind of familiar. I've been saying that about someone else since 2008.  Whatever, I hope he's better at picking presidents than he is at picking the movies he'll be in

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Ruby Rose was Pushed to the Edge

Terrifying, haunted ventriloquist's dummy Ruby Rose got heaved from a restaurant for having a hissy fit when she had to wait and started throwing french fries at the staff. And on Friday the 13th no less. I say they're lucky she didn't throw knives or throwing stars since the sole purpose for the existence of haunted ventriloquist's dummies is murder.  I'm going to stop writing about this story now before I wind up getting chased around an abandoned graveyard by her. I'll still jump onto my bed tonight so she can't grab me from under it and drag me to whatever Hell she came from.

The Lady in Red

Paulina Porizkova --51 year old Paulona Porizkova-- posted this picture on her Instagram account to wish her husband Ric "The Ostrich" Ocasek a happy 27th anniversary. No offense Paulina but after 27 years I'm going to guess he's probably not all that impressed anymore.  It must be nice to have professional photographers just hanging around waiting to take your spur of the moment, candid selfies. She looks like one of those hot moms you see at the grocery store that's wearing jeans with elaborate stitching on the pockets and high heels that you would talk to, but their bald, barrel chested, psychopathic Russian strongman looking husband might grind you under the wheels of his used, black, 2008 Mercedes in the parking lot. During my "research" for this article I noticed she's an author. Probably like how I'm an author, "HEY LOOK AT ME EVERYBODY I'M TYPING WORDS!" only I bet she has some gay, unpaid intern with a stupid haircut and oversized glasses do all that for her. Where can I get one of those?

Monday, May 16, 2016

Khloe Kardashian is "Curvy"

Oh my God look at Khloe Kardashian's ass. Jesus that's disgusting.  If you think that's sexy they should sterilize you so you can no longer infect the rest of the world's gene pool. I even heard it generates it's own weather.

Lena Dunham is Helping

Lena Dunham celebrated her 30th birthday on Friday at Chuck E Cheese, by taking off her helmet and security mittens and playing Whack a Mole and having pisghetti with Taylor Swift. Afterward, she drew a cute doggie she named Dempster on Taylor's bedroom wall in permanent magic marker, and helped load the dishwasher.

Another Dumbass Trend Sweeps Social Media

This guy isn't a celebrity but he's in some story about the latest annoying craze sweeping social media and let me tell you why his little sign is a lie. The only way, the only way,  ants could "shoot out of the shower head" was if they climbed into the shower head while the shower was off. Go take a look at your shower head and you tell me if that's possible.

Water comes into your house from outside through a meter. That's how they bill you. All the water is then sent to different places in your house by pipes connected to that main pipe.  It's a closed system. Ants would have to swim in through the main pipe that comes in from outside. Have you ever seen an ant swim anywhere? No of course not because they don't swim.  Pipes are continuously full of water. They aren't sitting there empty and then magically fill  with water when you turn on a faucet. Don't believe me? Get a big saw and cut the first copper pipe you see. Go ahead I'll wait here.

 Jesus Christ you people are dumb. Don't any of you know how to Google anything? The Faucet is just a valve. If you turned on the kitchen sink right now and walked out the door it  would run basically nonstop forever. Well, until the house collapsed or whatever, but you know what I mean. What do you think, you turn on the shower and water magically appears? So instead of putting dumb signs and your stupid bloated face on social media, here's a novel idea. Move.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Taylor Swift Has Hustle

Taylor Swift always looks like she's running. Maybe that's how she stays so thin. Cardio is an important addition to any fitness regimen. It could be she was a deer in a past life and she has weird flashbacks and just occasionally bolts into parking lots or careens through restaurants, have you ever seen those videos, that's nuts. Or maybe she has a multi-chambered stomach for late night cud chewing. Or maybe she's a deer now.  A singing walking, talking, deer. Now that I think about it I've never heard her actually talk. And who knows those videos could all be CGI creations they just photo shop out the antlers. What if this is all some elaborate ruse and she's the point man for some kind of an elaborate and as yet unknown and completely pointless deer attack. Taylor Swift just visited me in my house. I've been awake since yesterday.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Eva Longoria Wears the Pants in Her Family

Eva Longoria made sure she showed up at the Cannes Vanity Fair party still dressed for the earlier ceremony where she was awarded Girl's Softball Coach of the Year trophy earlier in the night. Afterward she rebuilt the carb on her 1966 Mustang, slammed some beers, then went shopping for a new bandana to hang out of her back pocket.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Oh No He Didn't

I'm not picking on the guy, it's just that he's still all over some of the big celebrity sites. Anyway, is it just me or did Prince always look like he was getting ready to playfully hit somebody with his purse?

Your Wednesday Nightmare

Someone, somewhere dug up an old recorded telephone conversation with 92 year old Sumner Redstone where he discusses participating in an orgy. You, my friend, are on your own. I skimmed the linked article but my reaction was much the same as the one you have when you watch a gross video online. You know kind of looking away but still watching with one eye?  So if you want details, you're just going to have to click here because even the few sentences I read may have scarred me for the rest of my life. Kind of like those guys that come back from a war. I already made myself a medal and everything.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Site News

I have a new WordPress version of this all set and ready to go. Sort of. I think.

It's called this...


I (I mean my sister) already transferred the other blogspot version over and I have the domain secured on several domain selling places because I have no idea what I'm doing. I just write, someone else is technical.  But I'll be in and out while I try to figure this out and I also have some personal stuff I have to handle and since no one is paying me for this that takes precedence. I'm going to keep posting here also until I get this whole mess figured out so you'll never miss a moment of the fun so bear with me.

Cyndi Lauper Uses the Bathroom

 Cyndi Lauper explained on the "Seth Meyers' Super-Fun Time Late Night Party Time Show" why she's still playing her concert in North Carolina despite whatever all the hubbub is about. I know it has something to do with bathrooms or transvestites or something, but I don't live in North Carolina, so unless they're still selling slaves or hunting humans for sport or it's turned into a real life Rocky Horror Picture Show, I couldn't possibly give less of a fuck what they do there.
“I thought if I didn’t play North Carolina, big fat deal. No one would care,” Lauper said. (She's right. No one would - ED.
I figured okay, here we are in this situation again,” Lauper said. “Well, let’s make it a rally, and on my rider I have to have a non-gender-specific bathroom, cause that’s on my rider.”
Your rider says you have to have a non-gender specific bathroom? Which one? The private bathroom in your dressing room? Good job! Way to stick it to the man you rebel. People will call you the Rosa Parks of the Potty Protests. I honestly had no idea that Cyndi Lauper was still touring and I hadn't thought of her before today since literally at least 1989 so your mighty star power will help put an end to this madness of pay toilets or whatever you bunch of people are whining about this time. Godspeed mighty warrior.

Monday, May 9, 2016

Ozzy Osbourne is Single

This originally started out as a story about Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne getting divorced because apparently Ozzy was having an affair which I find difficult to believe. The guy is 67 years old and couldn't find his way out of an empty closet so that can't be it. Or maybe it was drug or alcohol abuse because Sharon has mentioned that but I don't know because I stopped paying attention after I found out that Aimee is his oldest daughter. She must be adopted or something because have you ever seen the other two? Sheesh. I'm here for you Aimee. I know you're 32 but someone's parents getting divorced never stops hurting.

Demi Moore Puts the Spring in Mind Up

Demi Moore was on the red carpet which in this case actually appears blue, kind of like that dress everyone was taking about. Remember that? Jesus you people are stupid. Anyway, she was at Goldie Hawn's Mind Up charity thing which raises money for people affected by things. What "things" I'm not sure, but it seems like a nice thing to do if you're a hippie do-gooder and it's important to help people affected (effected?) by things. Demi Moore used to be hotter than a nuclear reactor but I guess everyone gets older and now she reminds me of the lady that ran the burlesque house on The Simpsons. Oh don't get me wrong she's still pretty hot. Good luck raising money for your charity and totally not your burlesque house. Nice shoes.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Kate Hudson Needs a Second Coat

This picture of Kate Hudson was originally attached to a story about self-tanning. You know, when people get a fake tan sprayed on, kind of like being painted I guess. But I'm not writing about that, that's dumb. So anyway, this picture made me think of painting Kate Hudson. Not like a picture, but maybe with one of those long 70's ostrich feathers. Or maybe a feather duster or hell maybe a live chicken. Hey if that's what she's into what do I care but geez Kate, slow down a little. I'm game for anything let's just leave the animals out of it for a while.

Site News

I already have a couple of hilarious new stories going for the week but I'm very important, and much in demand and I have some important things to do, like drink this coffee, take, my cat to the vet and and clean up around the place and look at porn so you people are just going to have to wait. In the meantime, stare at this picture of Kristen bell. I know I did. Twice actually.

Friday, May 6, 2016


A breaking news story has Colton Haynes coming out as GAY!  HOLY SHIT! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! I would have never guessed. Look at those header pictures how could that guy be gay?! What a crazy world we live in. Also in other shocking news, driving into a wall will ruin your car, and smashing your thumb with a hammer hurts. Also strippers aren't going to date you no matter how long you wait for them at the library like they promised, Raveness you liar.

Caitlyn Jenner Rocks

"Caitlyn" Jenner always looks like he's being interviewed about how he feels about joining the new Spinal Tap reunion world tour.

Natalia Lima Has Good Taste

What. The. Fuck. This is why guys will never, and I mean never, understand women. The guy on the left in this picture is named Ed Henry. He's some kind of reporter with Fox News and he's been having an affair (allegedly) with the woman on the right named Natalia Lima. I remember this one time I asked out a girl and she punched me in the face. I sure hope he has more to offer her than the "Never Ending Mountain of Hot Wings", Wednesday Night Baseball at McShooters! and a ride in his BMW Z4. If not and she just thinks he's funny or something I will immediately switch to being gay.

Emma Watson is Eco Friendly. Wearing Pants.

The big news of the day (yesterday) is how Emma Watson wore a dress made out of plastic bottles to the Met Gala. Two things. Number one,  I'm all man baby but I know that isn't a dress. I've seen dresses. That's more like pants with a cape. I'm no Calvin Klein but I know what pants are and what a cape is. Good for her it must be nice to care about the environment when you can afford to have Calvin Klein personally make your clothes for you because I can't find a single story that talks about how much it cost. It wasn't $200 with an extra 10% off for using your JCPenney card I can promise you that. If I find out how much it cost I'll be sure to update this eventually. 

And so I guess number two is, that I was completely wrong about the Met Gala. Apparently they did have real stars there. Like Emma Watson and Taylor swift and... so, so many others I'm sure, but I no longer care to check. Emma Watson is still a star right? People seem to still know her name I guess, and in the world of stardom that's often enough even though when people say "Emma Watson" I immediately think of that woman that looks like a giraffe. Anne Hathaway? I don't know, who cares. Anyway, let's not talk about the Met Gala anymore. I wrote about it so you could read about it so the fact that I was wrong was really your fault for making me write all this and you should apologize to me immediately if not sooner.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

The Olsen Twins Will Steal Your Soul

The Olsen Twins showed up to receive their lifetime achievement award at "The Monsters In Your Closet" award ceremony. Security allowed no bibles, no crucifixes, and absolutely no wooden stakes. I heard they served garlic chicken though so maybe that whole garlic thing isn't true after all. Enjoy your award ladies. Proserpina, Queen of the underworld shall reward you with many souls and a gift bag from Versace .

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Kim Wears 139 pound Dress

Kim Kardashian was showing off her new so called "139 pound" frame at the Met Gala in New York on Monday in a dress that took a month to make because it takes that long to melt down an entire train to make a metal dress like this. The Met Gala is called "The Oscars of the East Coast" and it features every C and D and Z -List celebrity that doesn't get allowed into the real Oscars. Oh sure they have a few Taylor Swifts, etc. show up, but Rita Ora? Who the Hell is that? Will Smith's kids? Emily Ratajkowski? It was a real Who's Who of Who Isn't.

Let's Buy a Ferrari

Joe Maroon or whatever his name is from Maroon 5 tried to dress up like James Bond and went Ferrari shopping. He looks exactly like the kind of guy that would drive a Ferrari. What kind of guy drives a Ferrari? The kind of guy that would wear sunglasses inside while looking at Ferraris that's what kind. Oooh I hope he bought a red one. If he passed on the Ferrari maybe he could go check out Corvettes, or if he really wants to be cool, maybe one of those motorcycles with the two wheels in the front. Go get 'em tiger!

!!UPDATE!! I remembered his name, it's Adam Levine

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Kim Kardashian is Like a Rail Now

Kim Kardashian says she lost 70 pounds, bringing her weight down to a mere 139 pounds. On an unrelated note, I'm negative $28.37 in my checking account thereby making me a millionaire on planet Kim's World.

Kate Hudson Wears a Hat

Kate Hudson shared this picture on Instagram on Friday of her and her friend whose name I don't know from their stay in Las Vegas. I don't know what it is about Las Vegas that makes people act like a bunch of dumbshits but for some reason it does. I must've been to Las Vegas at least 20 times and I don't remember this constant, and ridiculous "Spring Break!" attitude. And Kate isn't exactly some college kid away from home for the first time either. She's 37. I admit that I haven't been there in a long time but I'm definitely not in any hurry to go back. One thing I do know that most likely hasn't changed is that about 1% of Las Vegas visitors look like Kate and her cute friend up there. The rest look like an open air crack market vomited it's contents into a 120 degree oven.

Monday, May 2, 2016

Katy Perry Sells Make Up

Katy Perry has already reached the point in her career where she has to dress like a cat and sell make up you can buy at Walgreen's. That was fast. It is somewhat symbiotic however since the Walgreen's intercom is the only place I ever hear her music anymore. Did you know her boyfriend was Orlando Bloom? I didn't until just this second. I was wondering what happened to that guy. But I'm like an internet detective and nothing gets past me. Enjoy the wild ride Orlando! Now you can have all the free foundation and lip gloss you want you Hollywood weirdo.