Thursday, June 30, 2016
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
filed for divorce from her fourth husband Michael "The Chapeau" Lockwood
In the filing Presley, 48, cited irreconcilable differences as grounds for the divorce and requested full custody of the couple’s twin girls, Harper and Finley.Don't worry he gets to keep all of his wacky hats. When you're ready to settle down LM (I call her LM) I'm ready to be ex-husband number five. You know where to find me, you know, hanging out next to the dumpster by the 7-11.
Leslie Jones is in the new Ghostbusters remake and decided to cry when designers wouldn't give her free stuff to wear to the movie's premier.
It’s so funny how there are no designers wanting to help me with a premiere dress for movie.Sheesh. I must've missed some part of this story somewhere. Did designers give all the other cast members dresses but skipped her? Or is she always just an entitled jerk. I read a half a dozen different versions of this and all I see are quotes of her basically crying about not getting free clothes. On the plus side maybe since she's so good at remembering things she'll remember being in the biggest flop of 2016
Monday, June 27, 2016
Instagram. They're saying leaked like I suddenly decided to post all that video footage of my hot neighbor, but maybe I've said too much. Don't worry Constance, your really weird secrets are safe with me.
Saturday, June 25, 2016
So THIS is Ciara. I guess she's a "pop star" but I've never heard of her and I'm super hip. For instance I know the guy she's going to dinner with is either the greatest electronic drums/keytar player for the latest cool band or he's Derryl Jenks from Coming to America. Be careful Ciara the guy's a player
Friday, June 24, 2016
the guy got bitten by a damn rattlesnake while they were having their "official" wedding pictures taken, and to that I say good. I hope it hurt. A lot. Did they release the white doves before or after? Did the sky writer draw the big heart in time? What about whatever other ridiculous things people do for these stupid photos. Maybe the snake was just tired of your shit. I know I am and I've never even met you assholes.
Calvin Harris and his evil bro posse were hangin' out pool side coming up with a sinister plan to trick the girls over at Delta Gamma into a make out session. No wonder Taylor broke up with you. Just wait until the sheriff gets wind of your big party plans. The whole town has had just about enough of your shenanigans.
Thursday, June 23, 2016
Dexter Thomas, 34, of Salt Lake City, is a transgender rights activist who is studying for his Ph.D. in social psychology at the University of Utah, the animal-rights group said in an announcement Wednesday.Yep. I pretty much knew immediately he had gauged ears, I didn't even need to see a picture. But hey he's a transgender rights activist/vegan that lives in Utah and plans on being a social psychologist so you know the party follows him wherever he goes.
But if you do wind up in the same room with him be careful to avoid the following subjects.
Ironic horn-rimmed glasses
Early onset Osteoporosis
I would have continued but I started to get tired. Hey here's an idea, why not just stay home? Unless you wanted a Veggie burger smothered in imitation bacon and initiation cheese and Sriracha with a side order of cucumber and a Mike's Hard Lemonade. Who knows it might be good.
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Sela Ward because I always get her confused with Selma Blair mainly because I'd never really heard much of Selma Blair because I thought everyone was talking about Sela Ward. And Sela Ward was... uh...fundamental during my maturing process. But step aside Sela there's a new Selma in town and frankly she sounds like a lot more fun
Blair, 43, was seated in first class, enjoying a glass of wine when she started to cry and talk about fears regarding an unnamed male. "He burns my private parts. He won't let me eat or drink," she reportedly stated. "He beats me. He's going to kill me."She's 43?! Wow. Anyway, you should never mix medication with alcohol. Not without me anyway. I'll protect you from the bad people Selma. I'll be right here if you need me, NOT burning your private parts. I have no idea how to end this so I'll just say we should hang out some time. You know just us and some wine. And there won't be any pilots around ruining our fun. Jerks.
....the pilot called ahead to report that a passenger on board was mixing medication with alcohol
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
he hit with his electric car. The jogger says David was drunk and/or on drugs and I believe him. But what surprises me even more is that David Crosby had $3 million dollars. I'd try saving some of that money if I were you Dave, those old hippies buying your albums won't be around much longer. Oh, you're a 74 year old alcoholic and former drug addict? My mistake. Hey go nuts.
Ashley Graham is a plus-sized model? I have no idea. And I'm not going to take the easy way out and make a bunch of cheap jokes at her expense so I'll just let the stuff I'll block quote from the article speak for itself
... though 2016 has seen the 28-year-old become a MASSIVE star, Ashley is still strutting her stuff for the Canadian plus-size retailer that helped launch her into super stardom, modelling the fall 2016 lingerie collection for the brand in a new set of incredible images.
'My 10th collection with Addition Elle is one of my favorites to date,' the model said in a statement. 'The styles have really evolved with my career, and me and we're able to PUSH THE BOUNDARIES a bit more with the success of each collection.'
Yes. Push those boundaries. Maybe push awa- NO! She looks kind of like Cindy Crawford, if Cindy Crawford was...NO! Or should I say what did she... NO! I won't do it! Toot toot! Enjoy your train ride!
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Friday, June 17, 2016
faking her sets" by another DJ. I didn't know Ruby Rose was a DJ. So that means there are at least two DJ's running around. And the other DJ accused her of what exactly, not putting her iPod on shuffle? I don't get it why are there still DJs. I was going to block quote a bunch of things from that article so you wouldn't have to click the link but I'm not talking about DJs anymore. That's stupid and it isn't 1956. Just get yourself an MP3 player and download a bunch of construction noise and the sound of a junkyard car crusher's hydraulic system or maybe a Japanese robot fight cartoon onto it and voila there's your EDM DJ. Those ex'd out morons jumping around on the dance floor won't know the difference anyway.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
I tried to play the simplest things and my hand just wouldn't do it. I felt like I let everyone down because we couldn't work on the recordDon't sweat it my man. I'm sure breaking your arm in five places hurt a lot. It probably doesn't hurt as much as listening to a Red Hot Chili Peppers album but still, you know what I mean.
!!!SEXY UPDATE!!! I think I managed to slap together a few extra hilarious posts today so check back!
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Instagram.You should definitely check it out if you like really young looking girls that constantly have a look on their face like they would be confused by the instructions on a shampoo bottle. Good luck with your modeling career. And don't forget its lather, rinse, repeat not, rinse repeat lather lather.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Saturday, June 11, 2016
Friday, June 10, 2016
banned from tennis for two years over some kind of drug use hopefully not steroids or those ones that turn you into a man. But it's all too bad because like me, all the billions of tennis fans will sure miss her on the court. Okay I'll be honest I don't like tennis, nobody does, I just like tall leggy blondes. A shocking confession I know. The game won't be the same without you Maria. I'm here if you need comforting. I could probably get drugs if you want them.
Bret Michaels show later that night. She's single now you know and maybe she's looking for an overweight middle aged guy with a shitty full dress Harley and even shittier taste in music.
Thursday, June 9, 2016
the highest paid "athlete" surpassing Floyd Mayweather Jr by earning $90 million dollars last year. Okay I only wrote this so the ladies would have a picture to look at. Soccer is stupid and boring and can literally be played with a bunch of balled up shipping tape or tightly wound up string which I have actually done. Have a good time watching your Third World game that in America is only played by toddlers and 11 year old girls so rich housewives that are home alone all summer while their husbands work and haven't had a chance to meet me yet have something for their kids to do so they can stay home all day and drink while they wait for me to make it to their neighborhood. Just settle down baby I'm on my way.
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Prince Day in Minnesota
According to the proclamation from the governor's office, “Minnesotans are encouraged to wear purple on Prince Day in honor of The Purple One's enduring legacy.”Proclamation? Did they have a guy in a pointy hat with a musket strapped to his back shout this from a scroll of paper while standing on a box? Weirdos. The people of Minnesota also once made Jesse Ventura their governor so maybe we should just ignore everything they do from now on.
Monday, June 6, 2016
ended their six year relationship. I say shocking development because I didn't even know they were dating. Mainly because he's 36 and she's 23, which in and of itself to me wouldn't seem odd at all, there are pornstars younger than 23. A lot younger. But they've been dating for six years which means when they met he was 30 and she was basically a junior, or maybe, MAYbe a senior in high school. I guess 17 year olds are different nowadays who knows. I wouldn't because I don't want to have sex with 17 year olds, I want to punch most of them in the face. Well the boys anyway. Okay the girls sometimes too but that's just me. But hey, since your single again Wilmer, here's the legal age of consent for every state in the union. You know, in case you get sick of being alone.
I'm as surprised as you
Social media was sent into a frenzy today after a hacked Twitter account claimed actor Jack Black had died overnight.
Messages posted by the official account of Tenacious D, the comedy rock band co-founded by the comedian, said he had 'died at the age of 46', adding: 'The cause of death is yet unknown.'
But just hours later, the same profile wrote: 'Calm down guys! It's just a prank bro, look there's the camera...' It is believed the account had been a hacker took over the account.I should like Jack Black. He seems pretty cool, we both come from the "same place", I bet he's been to plenty of the same exact metal concerts as me, probably on the same tours, I "understand" him, and we're both devastatingly handsome. Well I am at least. But for some reason I'm totally indifferent to him and think he's only mildly amusing and mostly just smug, and annoying which, oddly enough, is probably the exact same thing people say about me. And now after some thought, it isn't Jack Black I dislike, it's his annoying fans. So if you're a fan of Jack Black it's highly likely we both hate you and me and Jack are going to go hang out and subtly make fun of you right to your stupid face but you won't even realize it.
Friday, June 3, 2016
Nagel painting and went to the pool. Maybe it was a costume party. Did Crockett and Tubbs drive you there? Maybe afterward you can buy that Lenny Kravitz house and pick up some cocaine. Oh and by the way, since you're visiting the late-1980's tell my ex-girlfriend I want all those cassettes back. No one steals my Winger tapes and gets away with it.
click here for what I'm sure is Billboard Magazine's gushing shakedown of everything that happened on this momentous occasion. I hope you enjoy wasting your life reading that
Jason Deruloreo and Dapney Jo or whatever the fuck their names are broke up. I guess this all happened a week or two ago but these two morons piss me off more than most celebrities for some reason so I only just found out. But hey, if you're in the market for a girl that thinks she needs a $2200 dollar pair of sunglasses you should look her up. Or maybe you're more in the market for a guy that thinks fur coats and diamond earrings for guys are still cool. Either way you're in luck. I bet you'd be swimming in Cristal and Hennessy before you could say "Mercedes Benz!" And yes I know I did a crappy job of editing those two pictures together and I don't care. If you think you could do a better job do it. Then show your mom. Jerk.
have royal families anyway but they do. What is this the 16th century? But you go ahead and have a king and queen while we keep going to Mars and have space stations and MagLev trains and at least three different places you can buy fried chicken you bunch of losers. What is she the queen of anyway? The Basketball Head People? That's right Spain I just made fun of your "Queen's" gigantic head what are you going to do about it? Put on a sombrero and take a month long vacation at the Dead Sea? I don't know why you need a vacation anyway, people in Europe only work three days a week from like 11am to 3pm with three naps included by law. I guess all that driving on the wrong side of the road and hating America for being better than you and saving your asses every chance we get gets exhausting.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
1. It probably still smells like Patchouli oil and incense from Lenny's time there
2. They're now asking $25 million dollars
3. It's in Miami, Florida. Or as it's better known to people in Miami, The Detroit of the South.
Seriously. I lived there. People have this bizarre idea that Miami is classy, fun, and cool. You know that part where all the celebrities hang out and everyone is attractive and rich? Yeah that's like three blocks long. The rest of it is essentially a hot and sweaty ghetto. It was a Jungle like Hellhole years ago and I'm pretty sure it's only gotten worse since. Never mind the crime, and the chance you'll most likely be robbed and murdered if you should happen to make a wrong turn somewhere. It's unbearably hot most of the year and it rains every single day. Every day. It rains so much in fact that there were puddles in front of my house that were there for so long they had tadpoles in them. And the bugs? For starters they have giant cockroaches there. That fly. Oh sure they call them Palmetto Bugs because it's cute I guess, until you have a hummingbird sized Palmetto Bug fly right into your face then it just becomes a giant cockroach again.
And Spiders. Huge fucking spiders. This website says the Golden Silk Spider only gets to be an inch and a half long. I'm not sure why they're lying but I used to see these in their webs over the road at Black Point across the bay from the Turkey Point Nuclear Power Plant and those things were a lot bigger than an inch and a half I can promise you that. And -- let's forget about the alligators for a minute that would kill and eat you if you weren't paying attention for a few seconds and happened to wander too close to a golf course pond or one of the hundreds of terrifying canals that snake through South Florida without even using their walnut sized brain to think it over-- they have boa constrictors now that will most likely eat your pets and will eventually get big enough to eat your children. By the way, my father stayed in Miami after we left and lived there until he died of cancer. Which he probably got from living in Miami. So if you have $25 million dollars to spend my advice would be to buy a house anywhere but Miami. Try the Moon. It's much less hostile there.