Thursday, June 30, 2016

Cameron Diaz is Haunting

GAH! What the fuck is that?! Oh sorry it's just Cameron Diaz. C'mon say it for me just once. "You'll never retrieve the Necronomicon!" Have you ever seen Army of Darkness? Man I love that movie

Johnny Depp is a Rocker

Someone took a picture of Johnny Depp going to dinner. Judging by the sport coat I'd say it was the Early Bird Special over at Golden Corral but I'm not here to talk about the sport coat. What I always wondered was, do you have to put on all those necklaces every day? Or do you just leave them on all the time. Maybe that's why Amber split. Maybe she was sick of playing second fiddle to your 80's rocker costumes. And right on schedule it looks like he's sporting the beginnings of a faux-hawk. Something about men hitting their 40's and 50's forces them to get into the whole faux-hawk thing. I have no idea why. But I guess if anything, the necklaces and the faux-hawk will make Christmas shopping for him much, much easier, and as luck would have it I have coupons for the Tap Out shirt store. I was going to surprise you but, Merry Christmas John!

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Lisa Marie Presley is the King of Divorce

After 10 years of marriage Lisa Marie Presley filed for divorce from her fourth husband Michael "The Chapeau" Lockwood
 In the filing Presley, 48, cited irreconcilable differences as grounds for the divorce and requested full custody of the couple’s twin girls, Harper and Finley.
  Don't worry he gets to keep all of his wacky hats. When you're ready to settle down LM (I call her LM) I'm ready to be ex-husband number five. You know where to find me, you know, hanging out next to the dumpster by the 7-11.

Leslie Jones Wants Free Dresses

Leslie Jones is in the new Ghostbusters remake and decided to cry when designers wouldn't give her free stuff to wear to the movie's premier.
 It’s so funny how there are no designers wanting to help me with a premiere dress for movie.
 Sheesh. I must've missed some part of this story somewhere. Did designers give all the other cast members dresses but skipped her? Or is she always just an entitled jerk. I read a half a dozen different versions of this and all I see are quotes of her basically crying about not getting free clothes. On the plus side maybe since she's so good at remembering things she'll remember being in the biggest flop of 2016

Monday, June 27, 2016


This is Fergie? Why does she look so different. I always thought she was very hot and I think she actually looks better now that she's in her 40's. I heard she was a crackhead at one point is that true? I guess I could look it up but I already stopped caring. And every story I read, said this picture of her "topless" was leaked. Maybe they should buy a dictionary and look up the word leaked, because Fergie posted this herself to her million plus followers on Instagram. They're saying leaked like I suddenly decided to post all that video footage of my hot neighbor, but maybe I've said too much. Don't worry Constance, your really weird secrets are safe with me.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Ciara is Coming to America Then Going to Dinner

So THIS is Ciara. I guess she's a "pop star" but I've never heard of her and I'm super hip. For instance I know the guy she's going to dinner with is either the greatest electronic drums/keytar player for the latest cool band or he's Derryl Jenks from Coming to America. Be careful Ciara the guy's a player

Friday, June 24, 2016

Hi Jennifer Aniston

Nothing to see here, move along. I SAID DON'T LOOK YOU CREEPS SHE'S MINE.

Snake Makes a Wise Decision

These people aren't famous but the story was about how the guy got bitten by a damn rattlesnake while they were having their "official" wedding pictures taken, and to that I say good. I hope it hurt. A lot. Did they release the white doves before or after? Did the sky writer draw the big heart in time? What about whatever other ridiculous things people do for these stupid photos. Maybe the snake was just tired of your shit. I know I am and I've never even met you assholes.

Calvin Harris and His Friends are Punchable

Calvin Harris and his evil bro posse were hangin' out pool side coming up with a sinister plan to trick the girls over at Delta Gamma into a make out session. No wonder Taylor broke up with you. Just wait until the sheriff gets wind of your big party plans. The whole town has had just about enough of your shenanigans.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Salma Hayek is a Woman of Action

Salma Hayek was at the "Museum of Tolerance" - whatever that is - admiring all the times people tolerated things I guess. Who knows, I'll never understand you damned hippies. I'm a big fan of Salma Hayek I have just one problem. She always looks like she just got done running somewhere doesn't she? Not like a fitness run but a "late for my plane" run. "Wait wait! I'm here, I'm here!"  Take it easy Salma just take the next one sheesh.

That's One Sexy Vegan

Peta announced Dexter Thomas is their Sexiest Transgender Vegan of the year. I knew you were waiting on the edge of your seat for this news so you can all relax now.
Dexter Thomas, 34, of Salt Lake City, is a transgender rights activist who is studying for his Ph.D. in social psychology at the University of Utah, the animal-rights group said in an announcement Wednesday.
Yep. I pretty much knew immediately he had gauged ears, I didn't even need to see a picture. But hey he's a transgender rights activist/vegan that lives in Utah and plans on being a social psychologist so you know the party follows him wherever he goes.

But if you do wind up in the same room with him be careful to avoid the following subjects.

George Bush
Big Pharma
Gauged ears
Ironic horn-rimmed glasses
Bernie Sanders
Early onset Osteoporosis
Global Warming...

I would have continued but I started to get tired. Hey here's an idea, why not just stay home? Unless you wanted a Veggie burger smothered in imitation bacon and initiation cheese and Sriracha with a side order of cucumber and a Mike's Hard Lemonade. Who knows it might be good.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Selma Blair is Fun

This story actually started out about Sela Ward because I always get her confused with Selma Blair mainly because I'd never really heard much of Selma Blair because I thought everyone was talking about Sela Ward. And Sela Ward was... uh...fundamental during my maturing process. But step aside Sela there's a new Selma in town and frankly she sounds like a lot more fun
Blair, 43, was seated in first class, enjoying a glass of wine when she started to cry and talk about fears regarding an unnamed male.  "He burns my private parts. He won't let me eat or drink," she reportedly stated. "He beats me. He's going to kill me."

....the pilot called ahead to report that a passenger on board was mixing medication with alcohol
She's 43?! Wow.  Anyway, you should never mix medication with alcohol. Not without me anyway. I'll protect you from the bad people Selma. I'll be right here if you need me, NOT burning your private parts. I have no idea how to end this so I'll just say we should hang out some time. You know just us and some wine. And there won't be any pilots around ruining our fun. Jerks.

Jennifer Aniston is Back From Vacation

Jennifer Aniston looked like her old self again. I don't know who the guy in the white pants is. Dude. White Pants? Probably a crossing guard in uniform or something. She looks nice in jeans don't you think? I had a girl tell me - more than one girl and at different times actually - that girls that wear high heels with jeans are whores. I have absolutely no idea why that's the case. Girls are really messed up in the head. Seriously.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Old Hippie Gets Sued

David Crosby, of Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Dewey, Cheatem and How and Young (ask your grandfather about the band, and the joke) settled a $3 million dollar lawsuit when he was sued by a jogger that he hit with his electric car. The jogger says David was drunk and/or on drugs and I believe him. But what surprises me even more is that David Crosby had $3 million dollars. I'd try saving some of that money if I were you Dave, those old hippies buying your albums won't be around much longer. Oh, you're a 74 year old alcoholic and former drug addict? My mistake. Hey go nuts.

All Aboard!

 Ashley Graham is a plus-sized model? I have no idea. And I'm not going to take the easy way out and make a bunch of cheap jokes at her expense so I'll just let the stuff I'll block quote from the article speak for itself
... though 2016 has seen the 28-year-old become a MASSIVE star, Ashley is still strutting her stuff for the Canadian plus-size retailer that helped launch her into super stardom, modelling the fall 2016 lingerie collection for the brand in a new set of incredible images.
 'My 10th collection with Addition Elle is one of my favorites to date,' the model said in a statement. 'The styles have really evolved with my career, and me and we're able to PUSH THE BOUNDARIES a bit more with the success of each collection.'

Yes. Push those boundaries. Maybe push awa- NO!  She looks kind of like Cindy Crawford, if Cindy Crawford was...NO! Or should I say what did she... NO! I won't do it!  Toot toot! Enjoy your train ride!

Serena Williams Does Stuff

I didn't write yesterday because there wasn't anything to write about so here's Serena Williams. Is that a man's watch?

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Hi Sunday

There isn't really a story here just Britney riding a big guitar. How about I give you a ride in my truck Brit? I call her Brit. There's no A/C. Oh it's really noisy too. The radio works but only to play MP3's I took the antennae off for some reason, I don't remember why, and now I don't know where I put it. Um... what else...oh yeah can you lend me $20 for gas. We shouldn't go too far though I mean what if something goes wrong, it leaks a lot of oil and you never know, you know?  I mean I can't expect you to push it by yourself. Really though I think you'll like it.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Someone Turn Off the Cloning Machine

So there's three Hemsworth brothers now? Jesus now many are there? It's like a goddamned mannequin factory exploded.

Ruby Rose is a DJ?

Ruby Rose has been accused of "faking her sets" by another DJ. I didn't know Ruby Rose was a DJ. So that means there are at least two DJ's running around. And the other DJ accused her of what exactly, not putting her iPod on shuffle? I don't get it why are there still DJs. I was going to block quote a bunch of things from that article so you wouldn't have to click the link but I'm not talking about DJs anymore. That's stupid and it isn't 1956. Just get yourself an MP3 player and download a bunch of construction noise and the sound of a junkyard car crusher's hydraulic system or maybe a Japanese robot fight cartoon onto it and voila there's your EDM DJ. Those ex'd out morons jumping around on the dance floor won't know the difference anyway.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Flea Feels Bad

Flea said he feels guilty for delaying the release of The Red Hot Chili Peppers new album after breaking his arm in five places while skiing.
I tried to play the simplest things and my hand just wouldn't do it. I felt like I let everyone down because we couldn't work on the record
Don't sweat it my man. I'm sure breaking your arm in five places hurt a lot. It probably doesn't hurt as much as listening to a Red Hot Chili Peppers album but still, you know what I mean.

Sean Penn is Nice

Good lord, Sean Penn always looks like such a raging asshole doesn't he? He's the smug guy in the Audi road-raging in traffic that rushes to cut in front of you as the road narrows because of construction, and probably yells at waiters and then leaves them a 25 cent tip because they should get real jobs.

HOW! Are You Kate Beckinsale

My boss asked me to start an hour early today at the job that pays me money so I don't know how much I'll be able to write today. Hey if any of you want to start paying me for this you know where to reach me. Don't email me through the site though I'll never read it. But this early start business throws my whole schedule into chaos, so when I saw this picture of Kate Beckinsale dressed like an Indian squaw I thought "Man I'd like for her to smoke MY piece pipe" and then I remembered that's an antique my grandfather picked up when he was in New Mexico during the war so keep your hands off of my collectables Kate. Everybody knows you can't trust an Indian.

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!  I think I managed to slap together a few extra hilarious posts today so check back!

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Seth Meyers is Fancy

Here's Seth Meyers doing something. I'm not sure what exactly, but judging by how he was dressed, I'd say he was probably on vacation with his family and they're going to that nice little seafood place down by the marina in Florida. Do you know how I know that? Gym shoes and sport coat. It says dressy but I'm on vacation visiting my in-laws. Oh and the A/C doesn't work in the dining room but don't worry they have the windows open.

Ava Sambora is a Model

This is Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora's 18 year old daughter Ava. Of course she's a "model" and this picture is all over the internet.  Oh you could bet the farm she has an Instagram.You should definitely check it out if you like really young looking girls that constantly have a look on their face like they would be confused by the instructions on a shampoo bottle. Good luck with your modeling career. And don't forget its lather, rinse, repeat not, rinse repeat lather lather.

Jennifer Aniston Rides a Surfboard

What the fuck happened to Jennifer Aniston?! I mean seriously what the fuck? Are they sure this is Jennifer Aniston? Maybe there was a mistake and this is really Judy Vacarino from Elkhorn, Nebraska enjoying a trip to Hawaii. You know maybe in the right light she sort of looks like Jennifer. You know. Broad daylight. At the beach. It can fool even the sharpest eyes sometimes. Someone should tell Judy if she did some sit ups and got rid of that Kmart bikini she'd look a lot like Jennifer Aniston.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Sernea Williams Goes to the Pool

Tennis expert Serena Williams was in, where else, Las Vegas for some dumbass named Ciara's bachelorette party. The website I stole this picture from said she looked sexy in her black bikini and you better agree or HULK SMASH. It also mentioned something about twerking but I looked away as fast as I could there was no way I was reading that.

Neil Patrick Harris Shaved His Head

Neil Patrick Harris shaved his head for a play he's in. Why is this news? I'm not sure. Why do people still go to plays? Are you too poor to own a TV? Remember when all anyone on the internet would talk about was Neil Patrick Harris, Betty White, zombies and bacon? Oh man those were the days. I'm still not exactly sure why any of that happened. Now it's pizza. What will be the next hip food item? No one knows for sure but I hope we can all get along. Maybe some day when you're bouncing your grandchildren on your knee, you can tell them about the time you served during the Meme Wars and you shook the hand of General Neil Patrick Harris.

Time Travelers are Among Us

This was originally supposed to be about Alessandra Ambrosio or however you spell her name wearing yoga pants. I'm sure she's very nice but I've never found most supermodel types all that attractive. And frankly I've seen girls that look better in yoga pants. A lot better. Instead I wanted to talk about the guy behind her. Him and his ripped jeans got into his specially equipped IROC shortly after this picture was taken and went back to 1991 to buy the newest Pearl Jam album so his parents would have something to smoke pot too and fall in love with each other again so he and his sister could be born. I don't know where I was going with this. No YOU shut up.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Heidi Klum Topless!

Heidi Klum took off her top and laid around on a rock strewn, gravel beach with her doughy boyfriend Bill Wannamaker or whatever that dorks name is. He looks kind of like a Bill could you imagine if I guessed right!? HAHA! Anyway I'm sure she was in Greece or the Maldives or maybe the Canary Islands or wherever these people go when they want to be "secretly" photographed topless. They have volcanoes there so be extra careful Heidi, Bill doesn't exactly look like a man of action, unlike me because I would punch that stupid volcano in it's dumb face if it threatened you. So remember, I'll be over here restoring this old motorcycle, rescuing some puppies and working out if you need me.

Friday, June 10, 2016

Maria Sharapova Does drugs. Is Cool.

Six foot two inch blonde Maria Sharapova was banned from tennis for two years over some kind of drug use hopefully not steroids or those ones that turn you into a man. But it's all too bad because like me, all the billions of tennis fans will sure miss her on the court. Okay I'll be honest I don't like tennis, nobody does, I just like tall leggy blondes. A shocking confession I know. The game won't be the same without you Maria. I'm here if you need comforting. I could probably get drugs if you want them.

Justin Bieber is Tough

Here's video of the "BIG JUSTIN BIEBER FIST FIGHT" (you better watch it fast in case TMZ takes it down)  I've seen everyone talking about. I wouldn't call this a fight exactly, I'd call this "Justin Bieber Not Getting Stomped into a Puddle"  That dude has a lot more restraint than me because if that punk had taken a swing at me like that, I would have thrown that asshole through the plate glass window and let the ambulance drivers pick up the pieces.

Mirana Lambert is a Rocker

Miranda Lambert was at the Country Music Awards but she didn't stay long, she was going to the Bret Michaels show later that night. She's single now you know and maybe she's looking for an overweight middle aged guy with a shitty full dress Harley and even shittier taste in music.

Sofia Will Have You Seated in Just a Minute

Sofia Vergara proves it's never too late to start a new career when she decided to give up celebrity life. She broke the news to her family at lunch at the little Mexican place in L.A. where she apparently works as the hostess now. She was dressed for work so she couldn't hang out at the table much. Best of luck to you in your new endeavors Sofia. Or should I say "Veyea coandeeos me am-eye-go"

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Christiano Rinaldo Makes Money

Soccer mannequin Christiano Rinaldo became the highest paid "athlete" surpassing Floyd Mayweather Jr by earning $90 million dollars last year. Okay I only wrote this so the ladies would have a picture to look at. Soccer is stupid and boring and can literally be played with a bunch of balled up shipping tape or tightly wound up string which I have actually done. Have a good time watching your Third World game that in America is only played by toddlers and 11 year old girls so rich housewives that are home alone all summer while their husbands work and haven't had a chance to meet me yet have something for their kids to do so they can stay home all day and drink while they wait for me to make it to their neighborhood. Just settle down baby I'm on my way.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Selena Gomez is 14

I know people want to talk about how sexy Selena Gomez but I have a problem. She's 23 yet she always looks like a 14 year old that's going to her freshman homecoming dance. You just know she's the one dunk crying on New Year's Eve while her friends try to comfort her and everyone else is standing around saying , "Oh God Selena is crying again". Thanks for ruining another party Selena.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Meghan Trainor is Controversial

There's been some controversy about whether or not Meghan Trainor was photo shopped in her video for that one song she does. I have no idea which one because of all the people that became famous in the last five years or so I think she is the worst of the worst and she's quite possibly among the most annoying women on Earth. If she wasn't famous, the way she talks and sings tells me she'd be the type to hang out in the most annoying bars on Clark Street -- you know, over by DePaul -- surrounded by super white guys in New York Yankees hats and cargo shorts and has a plan to be married by 25. "And if you plan on becoming anything other than a doctor or a lawyer you might as well forget it otherwise how are you going to support me while I stay home with our three kids?" And believe me I've met more than a few of those so I kind of know what I'm talking about. Anyway, the picture on the left is supposedly the photo shopped one but unless they photo shopped out a hot dog or a giant piece of cake they both look exactly the same to me. You're about six minutes into your 15 Meghan so I hope you're saving some of that money.

Happy Prince Day

To honor his birthday, today is Prince Day in Minnesota
According to the proclamation from the governor's office, “Minnesotans are encouraged to wear purple on Prince Day in honor of The Purple One's enduring legacy.”
Proclamation? Did they have a guy in a pointy hat with a musket strapped to his back shout this from a scroll of paper while standing on a box? Weirdos. The people of Minnesota also once made Jesse Ventura their governor so maybe we should just ignore everything they do from now on.

Monday, June 6, 2016

Wlmer and Demi Break Up

In a shocking development, Wilma Valhalla, the guy from "That 70's Show" and a plethora of other things I'm sure,  and Demi Lovato ended their six year relationship.  I say shocking development because I didn't even know they were dating. Mainly because he's 36 and she's 23, which in and of itself to me wouldn't seem odd at all, there are pornstars younger than 23. A lot younger. But they've been dating for six years which means when they met he was 30 and she was basically a junior, or maybe, MAYbe a senior in high school. I guess 17 year olds are different nowadays who knows. I wouldn't because I don't want to have sex with 17 year olds, I want to punch most of them in the face. Well the boys anyway. Okay the girls sometimes too but that's just me.  But hey, since your single again Wilmer, here's the legal age of consent for every state in the union. You know, in case you get sick of being alone.

Jack Black Isn't Dead

Jack Black is not dead. Yeah I know I'm as surprised as you 
Social media was sent into a frenzy today after a hacked Twitter account claimed actor Jack Black had died overnight.   
Messages posted by the official account of Tenacious D, the comedy rock band co-founded by the comedian, said he had 'died at the age of 46', adding: 'The cause of death is yet unknown.'
But just hours later, the same profile wrote: 'Calm down guys! It's just a prank bro, look there's the camera...' It is believed the account had been a hacker took over the account.
I should like Jack Black. He seems pretty cool, we both come from the "same place", I bet he's been to plenty of the same exact metal concerts as me, probably on the same tours,  I "understand" him, and we're both devastatingly handsome. Well I am at least. But for some reason I'm totally indifferent to him and think he's only mildly amusing and mostly just smug, and annoying which, oddly enough, is probably the exact same thing people say about me. And now after some thought, it isn't Jack Black I dislike, it's his annoying fans. So if you're a fan of Jack Black it's highly likely we both hate you and me and Jack are going to go hang out and subtly make fun of you right to your stupid face but you won't even realize it.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Jennifer Lopez Went to a Pool

Jennifer Lopez dressed up like a Nagel painting and went to the pool. Maybe it was a costume party. Did Crockett and Tubbs drive you there?  Maybe afterward you can buy that Lenny Kravitz house and pick up some cocaine. Oh and by the way, since you're visiting the late-1980's tell my ex-girlfriend I want all those cassettes back. No one steals my Winger tapes and gets away with it.

Mariah Carey and Jiminy Cricket talk in a Tub

Mariah Carey did an interview on Jeremy Kimbels show from a bathtub. I'm not sure why, but people everywhere are talking about how hilarious it was. And by people everywhere I mean everyone on Facebook. You know, the ones still sharing Bernie Sanders memes?  I absolutely despise late night talk shows and Mariah Carey could walk into an elevator shaft for all I care. I'm in a really bad mood today, even by my standards so if you want to read more click here for what I'm sure is Billboard Magazine's gushing shakedown of everything that happened on this momentous occasion. I hope you enjoy wasting your life reading that

Jason and Daphney Break Up.

Jason Deruloreo and Dapney Jo or whatever the fuck their names are broke up. I guess this all happened a week or two ago but these two morons piss me off more than most celebrities for some reason so I only just found out. But hey, if you're in the market for a girl that thinks she needs a $2200 dollar pair of sunglasses you should look her up. Or maybe you're more in the market for a guy that thinks fur coats and diamond earrings for guys are still cool. Either way you're in luck. I bet you'd be swimming in Cristal and Hennessy before you could say "Mercedes Benz!" And yes I know I did a crappy job of editing those two pictures together and I don't care. If you think you could do a better job do it. Then show your mom. Jerk.

Queen Letizia Was Doing Things

Queen Letizia of Spain was in the news but as usual I don't know why because I didn't bother reading the story. I mean really who cares. I still don't know why these European countries have royal families anyway but they do. What is this the 16th century? But you go ahead and have a king and queen while we keep going to Mars and have space stations and MagLev trains and at least three different places you can buy fried chicken you bunch of losers. What is she the queen of anyway? The Basketball Head People? That's right Spain I just made fun of your "Queen's" gigantic head what are you going to do about it? Put on a sombrero and take a month long vacation at the Dead Sea? I don't know why you need a vacation anyway,  people in Europe only work three days a week from like 11am to 3pm with three naps included by law. I guess all that driving on the wrong side of the road and hating America for being better than you and saving your asses every chance we get gets exhausting.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Shocking News About the Death of Prince

!!!BREAKING NEWS!!! Prince officially  died of an "opioid overdose" and not a shark attack like everyone originally thought. Sorry, I had to sit down after I read that I was so surprised.


Sorry I fell behind. I haven't even looked for anything to write about. I usually have an emergency stash for exactly this kind of situation but not this time. Go. Be free. Remember me as I am. Or just come back tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Jessica Simspon Likes Stripes

I wasn't going to write anymore today because I'm lazy and then like a breathe of fresh air Jessica Simpson showed up in a bikini and well, you know how it is.

Lenny Kravitz Lived Here

Lenny Kravitz bought this house in 2001 for $8.95 million dollars. He sold it four years later in 2005 to some chump named Stephen Muss for $14.5 million dollars. How Lenny Kravitz ever had $8.95 million dollars to spend on a house in the first place in 2001 I have absolutely no idea. The guy is only famous six months at a time every five or six years or so but I guess that's how being famous works. Well, luckily for you it's back on the market again. And there are only three major problems with it.

1. It probably still smells like Patchouli oil and incense from Lenny's time there
2. They're now asking $25 million dollars
3. It's in Miami, Florida. Or as it's better known to people in Miami, The Detroit of the South.

Seriously. I lived there. People have this bizarre idea that Miami is classy, fun, and cool. You know that part where all the celebrities hang out and everyone is attractive and rich? Yeah that's like three blocks long. The rest of it is essentially a hot and sweaty ghetto. It was a Jungle like Hellhole years ago and I'm pretty sure it's only gotten worse since. Never mind the crime, and the chance you'll most likely be robbed and murdered if you should happen to make a wrong turn somewhere. It's unbearably hot most of the year and it rains every single day. Every day. It rains so much in fact that there were puddles in front of my house that were there for so long they had tadpoles in them. And the bugs? For starters they have giant cockroaches there. That fly. Oh sure they call them Palmetto Bugs because it's cute I guess, until you have a hummingbird sized Palmetto Bug fly right into your face then it just becomes a giant cockroach again.

And Spiders. Huge fucking spiders. This website says the Golden Silk Spider only gets to be an inch and a half long. I'm not sure why they're lying but I used to see these in their webs over the road at Black Point across the bay from the Turkey Point Nuclear Power Plant and those things were a lot bigger than an inch and a half I can promise you that. And -- let's forget about the alligators for a minute that would kill and eat you if you weren't paying attention for a few seconds and happened to wander too close to a golf course pond or one of the hundreds of terrifying canals that snake through South Florida without even using their walnut sized brain to think it over--  they have boa constrictors now that will most likely eat your pets and will eventually get big enough to eat your children. By the way, my father stayed in Miami after we left and lived there until he died of cancer. Which he probably got from living in Miami. So if you have $25 million dollars to spend my advice would be to buy a house anywhere but Miami. Try the Moon. It's much less hostile there.

Britney Looks Okay in Red

There wasn't really any story associated with this picture. I just sort of saw it and thought, "You know what? I haven't mentioned Britney Spears yet today." And just like magic it appeared on this page. Don't ask me to explain it.