Friday, September 30, 2016

Padma Lashkmi is Okay

It's Friday so here's Padma Lakshmi in her underwear. Why she posted this picture I don't really know, does it matter? Did you know she was married to Salman Rushdie of "The Satanic Verses" fame? Why? I also have no idea.  Maybe since they're Indian it was an arranged marriage it's the only logical explanation. She has since divorced him. Why? That's also something I don't know. Maybe she got tired of all the raids at dawn on all of those poor cowboys out on the plains, and siting at home taking care of their yurt while he was out doing God knows what. This story was like a regular United Nations of information wasn't it?

Janet Jackson is Pregnant

Janet Jackson is pregnant. Or maybe the woman in the picture ate Janet Jackson, I'm not really sure what happened, I didn't read the story what am I, a librarian?

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Juliette Lewis is Cool

I think Juliette Lewis is attractive. Well...maybe not in this photo but you know what I mean. Did you know her father was this guy? I didn't know that. I always liked how he turned his hat backwards when Clint Eastwood would get mad. Well, I gotta go I hope you enjoyed this story.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Madonna is a Voter

Madonna tweeted this picture where she declared the she's going to "vote for intelligence" whatever that means, and ended her daring statement with five emojis. Keep in mind that Madonna is almost 60 years old. My hope is, that if you're looking to Madonna for voting advice, you won't actually be voting.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

A Hemsworth is Daring

 One of the Hemsworth brothers, I'm not really sure which one is against abusing children. Look pal, his name is in the lower left hand corner of the header picture, If you really want to know why not just look down? I would, but I'm a very busy man. It's about time you did some things for yourself anyway. This particular Hemsworth brother is taking part in an initiative to "raise awareness" of violence against children by painting one of his fingernails? I don't get it.
 'One in five children fall victim to physical and/or sexual violence, before they turn 18. That’s one too many. For the month of October, I’ll be painting one nail to represent this statistic and raise awareness and funds to end violence against children.'
 I almost never understand these social media driven, raising awareness type campaigns. Mostly because I'm not an effeminate 22 year old. What does painting one nail have to do with anything. But hey good for him. It's a daring, some might even say risky, stance to be against people abusing children. What next, being totally against kicking puppies? I'm shaving half of my head for the month of December to stop people from setting kittens on fire because setting kittens on fire is bad can't you see that? Oh you think that's dumb, do you? I can't believe it. Maybe you're the type that would set a kitten on fire. You monster. Why don't you go hang out with Hitler.

Larry Sanders Isn't Just a TV Show

This is Bernie Sanders brother Larry, and besides looking like a magical mushroom that is the keeper of all the wisdom in the universe, he's also running for David Cameron's seat in Parliament in the UK. I didn't know Bernie Sanders had a brother. I guess he's lived in the UK since the 60's. Probably to dodge the draft like all the commies did.

Friday, September 23, 2016

Jennifer Connely is a Woman of Action

Jennifer Connely looks like some kind of stick figure sticker a "feminist" would put in the rear window of her Honda Element to show she supports other women of action and drive.

Nyle Dimarco? What?

Nyle Dimarco is on Dancing With the Stars or was on Dancing With the Stars or is a dancer I really have no idea, he was just in Las Vegas, I mean, where else? Las Vegas is the one place you'd be sure to find a greasy guy walking around shirtless while wearing a bow tie. But I really just posted this picture for the lady readers because I know how much they love dark guys that are caught forever in that transitional phase between human and wolf man.  I guess the movies are right, look! His shirt even got ripped off.  But why aren't his pants like tattered shorts. Hey if nothing else when he does something wrong you can hit him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper or magazine.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

More like No Patrol

Johnny McDaid of Snow Patrol "fame" got a stupid tattoo of his fiance Courtney Cox's initials tattooed on his wrist. I really had no idea Snow Patrol was still around. Jesus, they formed in 1993?!  God they're awful aren't they? Anyway, that was on his Instagram, which I'm not linking so go find it yourself. He said this proves his commitment to her, to which I say if he wanted to prove his commitment, why not get a big portrait style tattoo of her face right on your arm? Not some paltry CC that could easily be removed or covered up or turned into John Bonham's Led Zeppelin symbol later on. Actually this doesn't seem like much of a commitment now, does it? If I were you Courtney I'd start asking him some questions. Who was that blonde he was talking too? What is he up to?

Kim Kardashian is a Fashion Plate.

A friend sent me this picture of Kim Kardashian dressed like a fool for... Halloween? I guess? She says Kanye is her only "stylist" and I'd say she's probably lying because only a 13 year old boy from the West Side of Chicago or another woman that wants to make you look stupid at a party would tell you that looks good on you.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Lady Gaga Sees the Future

Lady Gaga continued her decent into whatever this is, when she walked around New York dressed like a crackhead hooker from the year 2257. I like the big hat, maybe that's where she keeps her straight razor.  I don't know what happened to her, one day she was a popular hit maker and then all of the sudden, virtually overnight she's like Madonna and Miley Cyrus decided to have a baby.

Brad and Angelina Get Divorced

In case you haven't heard, Brad Pitt, and Angelina "Box Office Poison" Jolie are getting divorced. Why? Who knows. Maybe he was cheating. Maybe she's a miserable drug addict, who can ever tell. Not me that's for sure. My theory is that after all these years Angelina finally found out that Brad's a robot. For proof here is what he had to say when asked about the divorce
"...I am very saddened by this"
Oh? You're saddened? Nice try at emotion there Bradbot 5000. I always wondered why the shape of his head seemed to change. Have you noticed that? One day it's normal then like a week later it looks huge. I bet he changes to the bigger one when he has lines to remember or something.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Maggir Grifenylnehall and Petere Skarsgaaaarhd Go Places

If you're like me - and you're probably not, you couldn't handle this much cool - you know who Maggie Gyllenhaal is but you aren't sure if you've ever seen her in any movies. You've also read the name Peter Sarsgaard but...uh... Jesus I had too check five times to make sure I spelled their names right. Anyway if you didn't know who they were and had to judge them based strictly on the picture I'd guess they were the people down the street with all the books they've pretended to have read plainly visible through their front window, the pretentious "art" in their front yard and the "I'm With Her" Hillary bumper sticker on their Subaru. Oh sure they're polite to your face but they call you a redneck behind your back until they have a problem with their car they need you to fix FUCK YOU ERIC

Friday, September 16, 2016

Shailene Woodly Wins a Pulitzer Prize for Ideas

Shailene Woodly thinks schools should teach girls how to masturbate. Shailene Woodly apparently doesn't have an internet connection, because I found out during my research for this story that girls know how to do that. At least according to my bookmarks...
“As a young woman you don’t learn how to pleasure yourself, you don’t learn what an orgasm should be, you don’t learn that you should have feelings of satisfaction,”
 The 24-year-old “Snowden” star is so confident in the idea she dreams of one day writing a book entitled, “There’s No Right Way to Masturbate.”
They had books, and even magazines for that kind of thing, the internet rendered them useless. I mean is she serious? Hey here's an idea. Maybe she could make it a pop up book. You know, to make things easier. 

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Pamela Anderson NUDE

Pamela Anderson appears nude in her movie The People 's Garden and holy shit what is it a biography of Jean-Claude Van Damme?

Rob Schneider Had a Baby

Rob Schneider and his wife Patricia had a baby yesterday. Well his wife actually had the baby, I guess he just watched. Or maybe he paced nervously, and wore a hole in the carpet while he chain smoked like the dad in a waiting room in a 1950's Warner Brother's cartoon. They named it Madeline Robbie Schneider in case you're interested. And I haven't seen a couple this out of whack since Michelle Pfeiffer dated that Hindu guy from the movie Short Circuit. What the Hell happened there?

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Julianne Hough is Spooky

Julianna Hough showed up at the "Creative Arts Emmys" - whatever those are - dressed like the ghost of a bride that killed herself on her wedding night when her one true love decided to leave her standing alone at the alter. Such a waste of a young life. When asked about the designer all she would say was "ooooooooooooh".  Later she was supposedly spotted knocking dishes off of the buffet and making the stairs backstage creak. Always in character, what a pro.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Is Kurt Cobain Alive?

No. No he's not. First of all, Kurt Cobain ate the barrel of a shotgun and blew his head quite literally off. So unless they figured out a cure for that all of you pathetic wackos can forget about the possibility that he's still alive. Secondly, even if he was still alive he'd be almost 50 years old. Still not exactly elderly, especially now in a world where people routinely live to be 100. But that's a guy named Ramiro Saavedra and he's 32, and doesn't look much older than that. If anything he looks younger than 32. For proof there are pictures of him all over the internet because of this asinine theory now that I didn't feel like linking because I have better things to do. Hey here's an idea YOU Google him. It's Ramiro Saavedra, just copy and paste that name into your Google search bar. Hey look at you just like an internet detective. Maybe I'll call you Gumshoe Junior and we'll fight crime together.

Renee Zellweger is on a Talk Show

I'm writing about Renee Zellweger again not only because I think she's cute, but because she was on Jimmy Fallon's talk show. And that's the real reason I'm writing this. Why does Jimmy Fallon still have a talk show. Of course I'm coming at this as someone that hates talk shows instead of somebody that enjoys late night talk shows and has to wear a helmet when I leave the house. You will never ever make me understand their appeal. I liked Johnny Carson as a person. What I mean is he seemed like a decent kind of funny guy, but I hardly ever watched his show. It was always the same people over and over again. "Here's George Segal! Did you know he plays the banjo?" and "Let's welcome funny man Richard Belzer!"  David Letterman was really funny before he just became whatever it was he became toward the end but in that case it was mostly Paul Shaffer. I couldn't even stand the sight of that asshole I have no idea why. To me he was a human version of fingernails on a chalk board. Anyway I'm going to wrap this up now. Enjoy your talk shows and don't forget to pin your mittens to your jacket.

Monday, September 12, 2016

Tess Holliday

This is Tess Holliday and she's a "superstar plus-sized model". And being a model means she was at New York Fashion Week which I hope is over by the time you read this. No, I'm not sure what she models, but if I had to guess I'd say probably mobility scooters.

Alexandra Richards is Attractive

This is Keith Richards' 30 year old daughter Alexandra Richards at Harper's Bazaar's ICON party on Friday during New York Fashion Week. She's surprisingly attractive despite the fact that I would have thought all of the drugs Keith Richards has done certainly must've messed up his DNA somehow. Maybe she has octopus arms on her back or a partially born parasitic twin under her dress that you can't see. Either one would actually be just fine with me. And she's 30 like I'm a crime fighting, Nobel Prize winning multi-millionaire physicist who's writing this from his hideout located in the Rocky Mountains.

Rihanna is Robotic

Rihanna suddenly received her top secret code word while she was in a cab on her way to dinner through the earpiece that was surgically implanted behind her right ear. Too bad, it looks like yet another missed date with your boyfriend. Well, that's what happens when you're a brainwashed assassin. Hey you knew what you were signing up for missy.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

It's Like Looking in a Mirror

Steve Harvey of Family Feud fame and some other things like various movies and television programs met his double on Family Feud. I'm exasperated just writing this. People still watch Family Fued? This story is so stupid I'm not even going back and correcting that spelling. I have no idea why I wrote about this. I saw it on Facebook in the trends and the various links had thousand - thousands - of shares so I thought "hey people must be interested in this even though I am not." Well I have some news for you. Facebook is obviously filled with keyboard slapping morons.  I can just imagine all of those idiots laughing uproariously at this. I'm literally in a state of shock. Paramedics just showed up and put a blanket on me and one of them screamed "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME" it was exciting.  Anyway if my disinterest in this was a black hole you'd all be getting sucked right now. You can click on that video if you have a minute and a half to waste or you're not sure whether or not you're suicidal, and if you are this should seal the deal. They look alike, happy? This is officially the dumbest thing I've written about in 2016 and this blog is full of stories about Kim Kardashian.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Naomi Campbell Goes to a Party

The photograph on the left is Naomi Campbell in 1998. The one on the right was taken last night so my theory that she's a synthetic human from the future hasn't been disproved. I wrote to her asking about it like 1000 times but the only answer I got was a restraining order. And after all the care I took cutting all those words and letters out of a newspaper. By the way, the picture on the bottom left is her on a date with Joe Pesci which I find even more bizarre and unlikely than the fact that she might be an ageless, murderous, time traveling robot from the future.

Lady Gaga Looks Different

Did I say different? I meant desperate. Here she is leaving the new "Miley Cyrus Active Wear" store with her new outfit ready for a night of off roading and drinking luke warm beers around a "bomb fire". And if you take off her sunglasses she still has the same expression. Why? I'm not sure but I think I know what happened. Some $1500 an hour Facial Expression Expert to the Stars told her this makes her look important or whatever they said and of course she practiced it for hours in a mirror while he did cocaine with two call girls in the Beverly Hills Hotel. I'll see you at the Circle K later Lady G we're all meeting up there before we head off to Josie's father's barn.

Britney Spears is Young

The original story that was connected with this picture was called "Stars that are way younger than you think". Ummmm... Britney Spears will be 35 in a few months. She's young compared to someone like say, Susan Sarandon who will turn 70 next month, or maybe Robert De Niro who just turned 73. But c'mon let's not get carried away. Young? Don't get me wrong she's hardly "old" the way 35 year olds were a generation or two ago but let's get real. You see where I'm going with this? The average lifespan for a woman in the US is 80.1 years. A little longer than I expected, but average means some live longer and some live shorter lifespans meaning middle age basically just landed right on Britney Spears face. Stories like this that are calling basically middle aged people "young" as if they're hanging out at a mall buying Swatch watches or whatever teenagers do nowadays are why there are  47 year old guys running around dressed like Storm Troopers and Boba Fett while riding skateboards.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Eva Mendes Had a Baby. Still Alive.

Eva Mendes showed up somewhere, where there were photographers standing around waiting for Taylor Swift or Beyonce, so she could show off her "post baby body" as it's called. She decided to wear clothes made entirely made out of tablecloths from the creepy haunted mansion where that old gray haired lady lives. I bet that outfit cost $18,650.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Rihanna Hearts You

Rihanna went somewhere on Sunday night dressed as a big heart for reasons known only to her and the voices in her head. By the way this Yves Saint Laurent Heart shaped "cape" costs $15,500 in case you were wondering if you should ask for one for Christmas. Nobody stops these people? Nobody pulls them aside and says, "Hey man, what are you doing?" I'd think I'd want someone around me like that if I ever became an annoying celebrity asshole. But hey who knows maybe she's a crime fighter now but instead of beating up criminals she seduces them with love. It would certainly explain why I haven't heard much from her lately. She probably sleeps all day and roams the streets at night fighting crime. "Stop! In the name of love!" she yells. I should write comic books.

Chevy Chase at 40 Satu

Chevy Chase checked into rehab for an "alcohol related problem" and if I had to guess what the problem was I'd say he's probably drinking too much of it. Chevy Chase was on Saturday Night Live when it was good, 40 years ago and he's been in some of my favorite movies. Fletch, Vacation, Caddyshack... but I've heard he's a very serious asshole. Like a huge asshole. Normally I wouldn't link Gawker but I'm super lazy today and I don't want to bother looking for Johnny Carson's quote about Chevy where Johnny said Chevy "couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner" so go read that, Good luck Chevy. When you're done with your vacation or whatever I'll buy you a beer.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Angus Young Graduated

If you ever feel too old to do what you love or maybe you feel like you should behave more like a person "your age" just remember, Angus Young is 61 years old.

Obama Vs Putin

The article where I saw this had a headline that said "Obama Gives Putin His Best Death Stare" and I can only imagine the former KGB hit man and spy was probably trembling in his boots in front of a 6'1" 155 pound former community organizer and law school graduate that grew up in Hawaii.

Jewel is Funny Apparently

Jewel was at the much talked about - on Twitter anyway - Comedy Central roast of Rob Lowe. Why? I don't know. I have no idea what the connection is. I didn't see it obviously because if I want to watch unfunny things I don't need Comedy Central for that, so I don't know if she's funny or if she sang a song or what she did. During the four minutes I spent researching this little story I did learn that her real last name is Kilcher, and now you know too, so don't feel like you read this post for no reason.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Rosie Huntington-Whitely Looks Okay

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is a Victoria's Secret model and not a cast member of Mad Men like I originally thought. Is that show still on or did it morph into The Walking Dead?  She looks much, much better without makeup (or at least less makeup) because when she's all dolled up, she kind of looks like a scorned woman from the 1930's that's gone insane and is waiting for you in her car with a giant butcher knife in the pouring rain as you leave a fancy restaurant with your new supermodel girlfriend. Take it easy Rosie I told you I was a free spirit.

Is Lena Dunham Pregnant?!

No she's not pregnant, she's just really gross.

Ben Affleck is Freezing

Ben Affleck and his wig took his kids to church on Sunday in Pacific Palisades California where the low temperature for the day was around 64 degrees, with highs in the mid to upper 70's. Comfortably warm by anyone's standards. And yet there they all are, dressed like they're looking for a good spot to watch the Iditarod. Who is telling these morons to dress like this? Still I guess you can never be too careful. Who knows your car might brake down in the middle of the street miles and miles from a Neiman Marcus and then what? Who is going to rescue you then? Who's going to be your hero? I'll tell you who the real hero is in all of this.  Me. That's right, me. Here I am typing all of this on Labor Day like some 1850's 11 year old shoveling coal into a blast furnace and I'm not even wearing a $4800 dollar fur collared bomber jacket. The things I do for you people.

Friday, September 2, 2016

Pamela Anderson Hates Porn. Now

Pamela Anderson said you should stop watching porn...
She argues with Rabbi Shmuley Boteach that porn has a “corrosive effect on a man’s soul and on his ability to function as husband, and, by extension, as father. This is a public hazard of unprecedented seriousness given how freely available, anonymously accessible and easily disseminated pornography is nowadays.”
Pamela Anderson has basically made a career of being the living embodiment of porn. First, she's made two sex tapes that we know of, neither which I've ever actually seen, and...wait a minute. A rabbi?  Pamela Anderson and a rabbi walk into a bar... I have no punch line, I just wanted to link this non-story here because it's a long holiday weekend and I wanted to leave a picture of a cartoonishly hot girl at the top of the page for a couple of days. And trust me, that was just about the safest picture I felt I could use after typing "Pamela Anderson Nude" into Google Images.

See you in a day or two.

Elizabeth Hurley is at it Again

Elizabeth Hurley was in a bikini, AGAIN. So I wrote about her, AGAIN. What, between her and Halle Berry and Christie Brinkley this is quickly becoming the Hot Women over 50 blog. Kind of like those Dating Website commercials you see on TV for people over 50 I guess. You know the one that uses people in their 40's in the commercials and is aimed at people in their 60's? Is it just me or is her head and face getting bigger. Maybe that's what happens I guess. Your joints start to ache a little, you need glasses, you slow down physically, your head and face grow...It's all just the reality of getting older.

Let's Go to the Beach

I know I just wrote about Halle Berry the other day but it's my blog I'll do whatever I want. YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

What the Hell Brit

Britney Spears was photographed hanging out at the mall with this guy I used to know named Stosh. He was a guitar player. It looks like he cut off all his hair though. Nice guy.

Traitor to be Traded?

Colin "Spoiled Brat" Kaepernick is likely going to be cut from the San Francisco 49's, but not for political reasons, oh no not at all...
the 49ers are deeply concerned with Kaepernick’s decline as a player, which started last season when he struggled before getting benched, then got even worse this offseason when he lost significant muscle mass when he couldn’t work out following multiple surgeries.
The guys a punk. Cut his ass. He says if he loses his quarterback position or if he doesn't play professional football ever again he'll just switch to "social activism". HAHA. I wonder how much social activism pays. I bet it's not $114,000,000 over the course of six years. Maybe he's taken one too many blows to the head, that's the only thing I can think of.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Ryan Lochte is Hot

Of course Ryan Lochte wears a slouch beanie. Why wouldn't he wear one. And a long sleeved shirt.  In Los Angeles. In August. Maybe he was wearing it to show support for his girlfriend who is wearing a knee length jacket. Did I mention it was almost 90 degrees in Los Angeles on Tuesday? Maybe they're dressed to go to one of L.A.'s world famous pumpkin patches. They could just want to be first in line. Or a hay ride, and then maybe some apple picking at The Errol Flynn Memorial Apple Orchard or wherever it is you bunch of hippies go in California. Bunch of weirdos.

Renee Zellweger Stayed at a Holiday Inn

Renee Zellweger always looks tipsy and like she's about to fall over. Like your sister in-law at a Labor Day barbecue. To prove my point, here she is after she got drunk and tried on a Kung Fu uniform for the cameras in a Holiday Inn conference room. That ditzy innocence look was cute when she was 24 but not so much now that she's 47.

Henry Cavill Awakens

Henry Cavill spent the day asking hot girls "Do you know where the weight room is? I'll check it out."