Lizzo is Thin as a Rail

 They said Lizzo "showed off her dramatic weight loss". Imagine being so fat that this is what's called dramatic. I didn't use the picture that showed her from behind, and trust me you'll thank me later. Still she's doing it though so good for her. 

She's 36 now and trust me, you can't be nearly 400 pounds when you're 40 years old, you just can't, I don't care how positive anyone says it is. The human body has it's physical limits and when you hit your 40s, things start to change and you'll just drop dead one day. I'm sorry, that's just how it is, and we don't make the rules. So keep up the good work Lizzo, I'm sure we'll be enjoying your music for many years to come. I won't, I've never heard it and I never will but you know what I mean

Cardi B is Gross

 Cardi B and her disgusting freak-ass performed at Coachella. I'm not sure what kind of person finds this attractive but somebody does. Hey to each their own, I like girls with Mohawks so who am I to judge anyone

This will definitely be one of the few times I write about Coachella which, for some reason, seems to go on for a month. I honestly can't figure out who cares about this that much but again, to each their own. I suppose it goes on for so long to give every B, C, and D-List asshole enough time to show up and wear their brand new $400 tie-dyed t-shirt and dream catcher belt in front of any dumbass with a camera.

Tickets START at nearly $700 in case you feel like blowing nearly two grand so you and a friend can go sit outside and listen to shitty music for three days. I wouldn't pay $700 to watch Jesus Christ ride a unicycle down the street but you're the one that spent $150,000 for college to get a degree in Native American Bead Studies so believe me, no one is going to be asking you for financial advice anyway.

Mel B Goes Wild

 Former Spice Girl, Mel B, took a break from her new job as a bar room bouncer to cool off in the water in Australia. I was going to say she should be careful, they have a lot of sharks there, but it looks like she could probably handle them too. 

Maybe they're filming a new Mad Max, otherwise I can't figure out why everyone keeps going to Australia.  If people are still in those camps just put Mel B on it.  If they can get her to stop ripping phone books in half long enough

Chris Schwarzenegger is Helping

                                                 

 Apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger's son Chris lost a lot of weight and then promptly put it all back on. I think that's what they're talking about, the source material from this place isn't always entirely clear. And I didn't know that Arnold Schwarzenegger had a son named Chris. Maybe they don't talk about him much if you know what I mean. Just look at him of course you know what I mean. 

The bigger story here is how he's driving and doing things all by himself! They didn't say where he was going but I'd guess to his job as a bag boy in the grocery store or maybe the guy that collects the carts since he looks pretty strong. Keep going Chris! You're doing such a good job!

Toni Braxton. Hot and Alive

 Toni Braxton is surprisingly hot, and I say surprisingly because for some reason I thought she died in the 1990s. But that couldn't have been her because that picture is apparently from 2024. But dead or alive she's pretty smokin'.

The original story was how she married and then divorced some guy named "Birdman" all in the span of about two weeks. I suppose that's what happens when you reach the bottom of the dating pool and wind up with a "Birdman". 

Women can blame the men all they want but ultimately they have free will and actively choose someone everyone calls Birdman so I'm guessing the problems would be at least a 50/50 split.  

On the other hand, she said she's ready to start dating again...

 I'm looking forward to getting out there and dating.'

However, Braxton also admitted that she is nervous to get back out on the dating scene again.

'I mean, dating can be scary too. It can be a little bit,' she said before revealing the type of person she is looking to date next.

Of her ideal partner, she said they would be 'a nice guy, someone who will watch Lifetime with me all day long, at least once in the week.'

Hey I'm nice and I'll pretend to watch Lifetime, whatever that is. You'd be surprised at how much I can fake if it's for sex.

 !!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!!

Holy shit she's 57 years old!? 

 

Elizabeth Hurley NUDE

 Elizabeth Hurley was in the Maldives in a bikini, I guess just for a vacation. What she needs a vacation from I have no idea. And I know I complain about the endless bikini stories every week, but Elizabeth Hurley put on a bikini and really, it's unbelievable. And it's not like these are good pictures or something they're screen caps from a video posted on her Instagram. 

I just don't understand how a wealthy woman, that looks like that, who is at least on the surface smart and funny, and I would have to imagine at least mostly normal, is running around single. It's not as if I think a woman needs a man but there are just some things that make sense. Cats and dogs hate each other, 2+2=4, baby kangaroos get mistaken for giant mice, men and women go together, things like that

My secret hope is she's a giant whore that likes going to really perverted swingers parties, and shit like that and a dude would just get in the way. Believe me this fantasy goes on for many, many hours but I won't bore you with details. Unless you want me too

Sheree North is Here

 Do you remember Kramer's mom from Seinfeld? Because I bet you don't.