Friday, August 26, 2016

Taylor Swift Looks Different

Taylor Swift has reportedly had plastic surgery of some kind but I can't figure out what. She's way to young to get a face lift and she's so thin she certainly didn't need a tummy tuck. It could be we'll never figure it out. Like electricity, The Bermuda Triangle or the Loch Ness Monster, it's probably just another one of life's unsolvable mysteries. I'd say we should ask the guy in the photo if he knows anything but he's probably too busy finding new locations in the woods for all the body parts he's had in his freezer since last Christmas. Look out Taylor he's right behind you!

Kate Beckinsale Topless!

The headline where I stole this picture from tricked me into clicking on the story because they said Kate Beckinsale posted a topless photo on her Instagram. What a bunch of filthy liars. Posting a picture of your head while you're not wearing a shirt doesn't make it a topless photo. This is like that time they said I wasn't wearing any pants but leather chaps fully count as pants I don't care what that stupid judge has to say about it. And I didn't want to force you to read the ridiculous comments left by shockingly desperate men on her gorgeous, tastefully shot black and white photograph, was that taken by a professional? so I covered them up with a copy of someone that has me blocked on Twitter.

Lindsie Chrisley Getting Divorced

Lindsie Chrisley filed for divorce from her husband, Name Unknown. I don't know why the kind of hot girl that works the car rental counter at the airport getting a divorce is news but I guess the internet has a lot of space to fill.

Jennifer Lopez is Single Again

47 (!) year old Jennifer Lopez ended her relationship with her 29 year old boyfriend, and the person with probably the most ironic name in the universe, Casper Smart. I can't find any reason for the break up even though I searched for 30 or 40 seconds. Maybe try giving her a call and go out for coffee if you really want to know. She's decided to move on and continue doing whatever it is she does, and he's going to continue his intellectual pursuits solving all of the mysteries that haunt mankind today like, who still wears suits without a tie? And, do these white sunglasses clash with my bright orange Nissan 350Z?

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Hope Solo Got Suspended

Hope Solo has been suspended for six months from playing soccer for calling the Swedish soccer team "a bunch of cowards".

I thought that we played a courageous game," Solo said. "I thought that we had many opportunities on goal. I think we showed a lot of heart. We came back from a goal down. I'm very proud of this team.
"I also think we played a bunch of cowards. But, you know, the best team did not win today. I strongly, firmly believe that. I think you saw America's heart. You saw us give everything that we had today. Unfortunately, the better team didn't win."

 The sentence was handed down by "U.S. Soccer" or "Soccer America", or "HURRAY FOR SOCCER!" or whatever the governing body of that stupid sport is. Girls that are really that much into sports give me the creeps. Guys are bad enough. Especially when you gotta listen to their sports talk nonsense at barbecues or in bars or whatever but I've learned to deal with that, but girls? It just makes my skin crawl, I don't know why. Probably because if you went out for a couple of drinks, after she got liquored up she'd probably ask you to arm wrestle or something and when she beat you (because she probably would) she'd run around the room screaming "BOOYAH!" and hi five every cargo short wearing dickbag in the place only to be interrupted when someone stops to asks her about the NFL draft.

 Girls are moody and weird enough already. I don't need someone that's going to have her whole weekend ruined because the Kingston Ducks or whatever the fuck, blew the final game and won't make it into the playoffs for the Buffalo Wild Wing's Trophy of Greatness. You know what Hope? Just forget it stop calling me.

Leslie Jones Gets Hacked

Somebody hacked into Ghostbusters star Leslie Jones website, or cloud or iPhone or whatever they hacked into and now have nude pictures of her. Congratulations. Listen, thanks anyway but I already have plenty of nude pictures around here somewhere you can just hang on to those.

Ricky Gervais Buys a House

This is Ricky Gervais' new $14 MILLION DOLLAR home. How? Do you know how much money you have to have to be able to buy a $14 million dollar house? A lot. Like, a REAL lot. I'm assuming of course you don't have a mortgage on a $14 million dollar home. You probably write a check. "I'll take that one guvnah'" he says as he whips out his comically oversized checkbook. It's not like he was nervously waiting to see if he was approved for a mortgage by the bank after faxing them over a copy of his birth certificate for the sixth time. I just don't see how any of this is possible. How much did they pay him to host the Emmy's that time?  What the Hell does this guy do? Maybe The North American Atheists is paying him under the table. Anyway, it has eight bedrooms which doesn't seem like a lot for $14 million dollars. For that kind of money I want sweeping tree lined driveways, and a separate house for the hot maid. And maybe a maze made out of shrubs.Who knows maybe it has a cool basement but seems like a lot of money for a house that doesn't appear to have any gun turrets and a cool moat or maybe even a secret door in the garage that leads to a cool control room with beeping lights and a big bank of computer screens.  Whatever. Enjoy your new boring $14 million dollar house Rick.