Lauren Boebert is Hot

 Face it. Lauren Boebert is the chick dudes want. You may not like it but there it is. She's physically attractive, yet for most of the day she looks kind of like a boring average nerd. She's like one of those "Ugly Ducklings" in a teen 80s movie that takes off her librarian glasses, feathers her hair and !!!wham bam!!! suddenly out of the blue she becomes homecoming queen or she's a heavy metal dominatrix wearing high heels that will have sex with you in a crowded theater while everyone is watching. 

THAT'S why all these women hate her. They look at her and instantly know "she's a whore". Those are their words, not mine. They'll all tell you that. Any guy that's ever known a woman between the ages of 16 and 60 knows exactly what I'm talking about.

Oh sure they'll tell you it's her politics but... guys know. 

Think about Wonder Woman. Underneath the giant 70's glasses and the frilly granny blouse she's still Lynda Carter. One second, she's in a buttoned to the chin, military uniform (which is hot enough already) and the next she's a 5'10 inch Amazon Warrior in knee high boots.  I'm not comparing Lauren Boebert to Lynda Carter okay, it's just an example I'm using to explain it to the ladies because I don't have to explain it to the men, they already understand. All of this of course is politics aside, I know she's pretty controversial for that even though I don't really know what her politics are, I'm coming at this from a pretty specific, strictly scientific theory.

Paris Jackson has her Guard Up

 Paris Jackson took her blank stare and her dog to The Elizabeth Taylor Ball to End AIDS at The Beverly Hills Hotel on Thursday. Must be nice to just be able to go to parties on a Thursday because you feel like it and also because you don't have to be up at 5 am to go to work the next day. I sure hope they cured AIDS while they were there. 

She's hot though right? See, I can say that now because she's 25. She's probably crazier than a shit house rat because you know what they say about apples falling from trees and if Michael Jackson was your father you're not getting away Scot-free. 

I have to admit though, seeing her with that Doberman makes me imagine her walking around dressed like an East German border guard and... you know, I think I'll stop that little fairy tale right there.

Elizabeth Hurley Isn't Weird

 I haven't written about Elizabeth Hurley in a while. All she does is post pictures of herself in a bikini and also walking around in various hotel lobbies while she's on vacation. So while I think she's pretty much physically perfect, and she seems smart and funny, and I want to do disgusting things to her, I have to admit in general, she's kind of dull celebrity news-wise. Seriously, you're on a beach? Again? Who cares. And then this "story" popped up. 

She was wearing that dress, which was the focus of the source story and which I also love (the dress not the original story) and they mentioned how she was out with her son. People think it's always weird that she's constantly hanging out with her kid, and for the longest time I did too, and then today, suddenly it dawned on me. This isn't some weird, unhealthy relationship, the kid is 20 years old. And she's his mom. She's a human mom. Rich, famous, and beautiful but she's still that kid's mother. These celebrities aren't really any different from you or me. Oh sure they have weird jobs and massive personality flaws, but they're just people.

And he's 20 years old. His central nervous system is still growing. As recently as 2008 he still believed in Santa Claus. But he is an adult now, he's 20 not 13. Of course it's still a little weird that he wants to hang out with his mother. When I was 20 years old I didn't even remember that I had a mom. And so if you're a human female, and you find little Damian attractive, there are two things you might want to keep in mind. His name is Damian and he has what seems like a weird need to be close to his mother at all times. I'm not accusing anyone of anything but if you go into a relationship with him knowing even just those two things that's all on you.

Britney Flings

Remember when I said I would write about Britney Spears' wearing a pink dress? This was connected to some story about her having a "fling" with her gardener, which lead to her divorce but that sounds like the plot of a porno, and not real life.  I have to say none of that is important because all I saw was her in that dress, and holy shit. Ff she'll have an affair with that guy - I mean c'mon - maybe she really does need to go back to being in that conservatorship.

 

 

Cindy Crawford is Confused

 Cindy Crawford is complaining that Oprah Winfrey treated her like "chattel" and "forced her to show off her body? Am I missing something? Cindy's only job for nearly half a century has been nothing but showing off her body.  

'I was like the chattel or a child, be seen and not heard. 

'When you look at it through today's eyes, Oprah's like, 'Stand up and show me your body. Show us why you're worthy of being here.''

Uuuuuhhh... yeah. That's your job? Does she know she's a model? Did this happen by accident without her approval?  I feel like part of this story has been left out but I can't figure out what. I just don't know what I'm missing. 

Sometimes I feel like these people have conversations where they just parrot the ideas they see, and hear on the internet without really knowing what it all means. Cindy Crawford has earned nearly a half a billion dollars since the 1980s by being treated like chattel. If you're not happy give it all back. Or better still, give it to me. Would it help if I took my short off? Because I'll do it.

Shania Twain Looks Different

They said Shania Twain showed of her "incredible figure" while performing in Europe while dressed like Miley Cyrus. She used to have a face that was so beautiful it was hard to look at, so I don't know what happened. I'm sorry, that is not Shania Twain. That doesn't look anything like Shania Twain I think they're pulling our leg. I realize she's 58 now but what happened? Did she morph into a different person? And I'm not sure where she was performing in Europe, but based on her clothes, I'd guess Romania

Molly Sims Dry Your Eyes

 Molly Sims was crying while on vacation (left) while wearing a bikini (right. although pic unrelated) I swear to God that's how the reporter described it. 

There's only two reasons women cry while on vacation. 

1. She's drunk
2. She's getting divorced

Honestly she was probably drunk. I've written like half a dozen stories about her and she's holding a drink in every single one of them. Either way Molly needs to give me a call, I can fix almost anything. You really should divorce that guy he's mean. And here's an idea. we can have a few drinks while we work out a plan. Maybe dinner too? You'll have to pay though because I lost my wallet.