Apple Martin Gets a New Face

 

Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter Apple Martin listed all the cosmetic producers she's had done. The fact that she has a list is pretty amazing considering she's 21 years old.  

 I didn't really see any sort of actual "list" by the way, they're just being coy because I guess they think that's cute. I assume number one on her list was "The Alien From the End of Close Encounters of the Third Kind Facial Procedure". I bet that wasn't cheap. Normally I would consider the children of celebrities hands off, but she's 21 and broadcasting all of this herself to her "fans". Whoever they are.

 Again you need to understand, I have zero issues with any kind of self improvement whatsoever, and if I've said it once I've said it 1000 times. If I had the money so much of me would be fake you'd think I was a robot, but you should probably wait until you're at least in your mid-30s, otherwise I have a feeling she's going to look like a Halloween pumpkin in late November buy the time she hits her 40s. That stuff does not last forever and in fact some of it only lasts about 10 years or so.  

Who knows maybe by the time her head starts looking like a candle that was left in the sun they'll have come up with more permanent solutions but 10 years flies by so I wouldn't count on it, so while your mom still has money make sure you put a couple hundred grand in a separate account somewhere now, because baby you're gonna need it.

Hillary Duff Tours NUDE

 

Hillary Duff announced a new world tour for 2026. Why, you ask? I don't know what are you asking me for, what am I Svengoolie? 

The 38-year-old former Disney Channel star will visit seven countries for the world tour, which kicks off June 22 in West Palm Beach, FL and concludes February 12, 2027 in Mexico City, MX. Duff's opening acts are all led by women - English synth-pop act La Roux as well as Canadian crooners Lauren Spencer Smith and Jade LeMac.

Wow.... sounds.... good?

Seeing this story I have to admit this is the first time I've thought about Hillary Duff in at least 10 years, I don't know why these people don't just take their piles of money and retire to Arizona or Lake Tahoe or something, I just do not get it. Why would you want to be on an eight month world tour at 40?

I suppose I'm not the target demographic for this so what do I know. Obviously she needs the money or something. 

On the other hand, I once saw an interview with Rob Halford, the singer for 80s heavy metal band Judas Priest where he talked about a tour they did, and after expenses they made ZERO money. So they broke even. Basically they did it for free. And at one point Judas Priest was about as big as you get, selling 50 million albums, and this was before the internet and Spotify. Way bigger than Hillary Duff, so that's a thing that happens too. 

Good luck with your world tour Hillary Duff I hope you have a good time I won't be there. Cut your overhead and watch your expenses

 

Britney Spears NUDE

 Good lord Britney Spears was so hot. Unfortunately she's 20 years old in that picture so I guess I'm kind of gross. Can that be right? Not the gross part I know that's right, I mean, was she 20 in 2001? How old was I? Am I in the future? 

Okay I mostly wrote this because Britney Spears in very little clothing and high heeled boots dancing with a snake is way more likely to get clicked on than another story about Zac Efron 

No one born after 2001 has even the slightest idea what kind of world they missed.

BREAKING JESSICA SIMPSON NEWS!

 She dyed her hair brown. I like brown hair even though honestly as a guy I don't really have a preference. It all depends on the girl. There are a couple photographs at the original story, I mean it's not brown, brown, it's more of a brown. You know what I mean? There's also mention from her "fans" how she's "aging backwards" as if she was 102 and not 45. Of course all of this comes from Instagram, which is only slightly worse than reading a hand scribbled tale of the Middle Ages written in crayon by an 11 year old with an IQ of 47. Most of Instagram's users seem to be either 77 year old Boomers that still wake up every day in 1969, and 13 year olds that basically think it's funny to say "poop" on the internet.

You guys are aware that probably at least half the comments on Instagram are AI chat bots, you do know that right? You don't have to believe me, just follow any single tool manufacturing account like Gear Wrench or something over there and see how often their posts are flooded by Snap-On tool fans. I realize Snap-On fans are basically retarded but nobody has that kind of time. 

Anyway, Jessica looks good with brown hair. Jessica looks good with blonde hair. Jessica would look good with red hair. Jessica would probably look good with no hair - which by the way I kind of actually like on girls - so it wasn't exactly this huge risk for her. Keep up the good work Jessica. The good work of having brown hair

Zac Ephron is Alive and Well

 Zac Ephron is still alive and he was "spotted" somewhere with an America's Got Talent finalist (?) named Angelina, last name uknown

They had other pictures of her walking around with her cookie cutter Instagram friends all wearing sunglasses on a cloudy day doing whatever 20 year olds do nowadays. Probably gas station boner pills or whatever. 

 I was looking for new people to write about, who knew it was going to be some 40 year old dude that was dating a 21 year old future nobody but this is the life I chose

 

Emily Ratajkowski NUDE

Emily Ratatouille went shopping in New York so she took some selfies to prove it. She has a nice stomach and she's very attractive but also obviously very stupid.  And I know that because you don't have to go to New York for everything anymore. That may have been the case 140 years ago, but they have a Nordstrom everywhere these days. 

  Even way out here in the middle of nowhere Chicago we have pizza, hot dogs, and every kind of store you could imagine. Even "bodegas".  We just call them convenience stores, since you can basically go grocery shopping in gas stations now so I don't really know why they think "bodegas" are anything special.  There are four WalMarts, three Home Depots and one of the largest shopping malls on Earth with nearly 300 different stores all within 20 minutes of where I live and I don't even know how many Goodwills and various second hand stores and pawn shops. Plus everything you buy in 2026 basically comes out of one of the same 10 factories in China so you New York people need to shut the fuck up for a while everyone is sick of your shit.

The Skinny on Amy Schumer

 Amy Schumer lost 50 pounds. "Thank God I can finally fit into my Polish truck driver tracksuit" she was overheard saying to a friend. 

She was carrying a bag full of gummy bears to help curb cravings. What they don't mention is that's her seventh bag.

There was a lot of other pointless information in the original story and none of it mentioned whether or not she was still an unfunny joke thief so I stopped reading