Mason Mount and Freya Tidy are Amazing

 Some guy named Mason Mount (yeah sure) Has a girlfriend named Freya Tidy and oh my god who fucking cares. He's a 25 year old soccer player and she's 21. Huzzah! I only wrote this because the source story described her as a "former McDonald's worker turned model". 

She worked at McDonald's when she was 16.When I was 14 or maybe 15 I worked at Baskin-Robbins 31 Flavors.  It was my first job. So it's nice to know if I manage to somehow change the world they'll describe me as the former ice cream parlor worker. Also she's called a model because she posts pictures of herself wearing bikinis on Instagram, and that's all she posts. Pictures of herself. Dead eyed pictures of her staring off into the middle distance without a single thought in her head other than what she'll wear next.  I scrolled her account for as long as I could stand it and it appears she has no interests outside of herself. Which is fine, you go girl.

Maybe she's really very nice, or maybe her dad is a billionaire and she's in charge of a foundation she started with his money rescuing abandoned animals and protecting baby birds. Or maybe I make shit up on my head to try to make these vapid, soulless people easier for me to stomach so I can continue this asinine hobby.

Billie Eilish is Gay. Now.

Hey everyone Billie Eilish is suddenly gay now. What a shocking development. I've never heard even the remotest mention about her sexuality until just this minute. What a coincidence this all is. If a fad started where people began describing themselves as Mr. Snuffleupagus, tomorrow afternoon half of you people would show up to school or work wearing a purple elephant trunk on your face. Don't any of you ever have even a single independent, original thought? 

Well... it's starting to look like I need to take another week off from this

Naomi Watts Works It

 Naomi Watts went to the gym and then talked about her workout routine and then her skincare routine and oh my god who the fuck cares. I do however, want you to realize that Naomi Watts is 55 years old. I just want you to remember that when I tell you this is what a 55 year old looked like in 1980.  As far as I'm concerned there's nothing wrong with either one, but I'm super weird and it's mostly a style thing anyway.  But let's face it Naomi Watts is smokin', and she easily competes with ant 28 year old reading this. Plus she isn't 28 years old so that's even better.

She is Australian though and it's a bit of a problem for me. More on that some other time

There was one other gym picture but they both include her "trainer" and he looked like he was in worse shape than me so I think he has a lot of nerve calling himself a trainer and I'm not having some doughy guy stinking up my blog. So in conclusion I'll send you guys an invitation for when me and Naomi get married.

Sydney Sweeney in Red

 I haven't written about Sydney Sweeney in a couple of days so thank God she went on vacation to Hawaii and rode around in a Jeep in a bikini, but I actually didn't like any of those pictures though so I used this one instead. I still say for reasons I can't put my finger on she reminds me of a 1930s' gun moll. And if you think that's an insult you don't know me at all. Yikes.

What I will say is, finally Hollywood and the media picked a Hollywood "It Girl" I can really get behind. I mean an It Girl that I can really mount on a pedestal. Wait that sounds bad too. How about.. an It Girl I'd like to have sex with. There that's much better. Hey remember when the newest "It Girl" was Amber Heard? Haha! Those were the days

JENNIFER ANISTON FRIENDS REUNION

 Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston went to an Iron Maiden concert last weekend, no of course I'm kidding it was some restaurant, and every time they do this everyone calls it a "mini Friends reunion". I don't know what the occasion was because every time I see the phrase "mini Friends reunion" I stop reading, but they have to call these events something to get you dullards reading and clicking and you all seem to love Friends, so maybe there's your answer. And even though it features Jennifer Aniston, I'd say over the course of my entire life I've seen maybe 10 minutes of Friends in total and it's way, WAY to sitcomy for me. 

I usually love women with short hair but I'm officially begging Jennifer to do something else with hers. Grow it out, shave it off, dye it blue (which sounds like a great idea actually), I honestly don't care what you do just something other than what she's doing now. Anyway, I hope they had fun three days ago.

Camila Cobello is a Poser

 Camila Cobello joined every other B-List shit-head and played dress up to go to Coachella. This will be the only time I mention Coachella as I have zero idea why anyone makes such a big deal out of this. Going to any kind of music festival seems... outdated? It just seems like a weird thing to do in 2024. It's also possible that I'm getting old but I doubt that's it. If a music festival had anyone playing that I had any interest in seeing, and tickets weren't $480 for one day, I would probably go. But I'm not paying $1000 for two tickets to go watch a 35 minute set by "Sandy Duncan's Eye" while surrounded by 17 year olds and Camila Cobello, no thanks.

Jennifer Lopez is a White Night

 Jennifer Lopez put on a tight white dress and went for a "mom's night out" whatever that is. It's funny there's no mention of her husband lately, what's that guy's name? Oh right Ben Affleck. I bet she forgot too. I hope she had a good time considering nobody is buying her album, or tickets for her "world tour".  I've been saying for years that these two (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez), should take their money and retire to a fancy cabin in the woods somewhere. It's not going to get better for them from here. 

At this point who remembers Jennifer Lopez? People that watch The View and think that women still need to be "empowered" that's who, even though women run 76% of the Human Resources departments, are in charge of most colleges,  and even head up  most of Hollywood now.  

Well either way I'm going to avoid writing about Jennifer Lopez going forward. Mostly because she's boring and really nobody cares any more