Friday, December 30, 2016

Pamela Anderson is Attractive

Pamela Anderson looks pretty awesome for a woman that's nearly 50 years old, had hepatitis and willingly had sex with Bret Michaels and Tommy Lee on multiple separate occasions. And believe me, that description alone would usually disqualify anyone from the "Wow She Looks Great!" club.

Moby Has an Obsessed Fan?

Moby got a pretend restraining order against a pretend obsessed fan last week. I say pretend because who's obsessed with Moby in 2016? Did I wake up in 1996 again? I sure hope so, that means I can watch a new Space Ghost Coast to Coast.

Jake Gyllenhaal Doesn't Play Ball in the House

Jake Gyllenhaal wiped out while surfing, probably while filming a recreation of the famous scene where Greg Brady wipes out while he surfing in Hawaii because he was wearing that haunted tiki doll on a necklace around his neck. I'm kidding of course, he was probably just lounging on the beach because no one was filming anything with Jake Gyllenhaal. as evidenced by the fact that the original story called him the star of Brokeback Mountain. A movie that came out 12 years ago. Try to be more careful Greg - I mean Jake - there are hidden coral reefs under those beautiful waters.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

JLo and Drake are a Thing

JLo and Drake are dating I guess. And people are excited by that. For some reason. I have absolutely no idea why. I have a feeling I'd feel the same way if I somehow went into the future and was dumbfounded by everyone interacting with their televisions. Why do they do that? How do they do that? Why is that so exciting?

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

RIP Carrie Fisher

Carrie Fisher died. I'm sure you heard. Oh, you didn't? Well, she did. So sad. Anyway I used this picture instead of one of the pictures where she was being "brave" (old) because she looks exactly like my friend Rachel and ultimately this is my blog. Don't like it? Too bad jerk.

The Lazy Days of Winter

Sorry I've been lazy. That's me in the picture being lazy. Okay it isn't really, I could never be that effortlessly cool in a fedora and V-neck t-shirt. Maybe he's in the Rat Pack.  Anyhoo the Christmas weekend got away from me I guess, so today just as soon as I get home from the job that pays me money - you know, unlike this one since you guys are a bunch of tightwads and won't just mail me checks for no reason - I promise I'll find more assholes to write about. It'll be fun!

Saturday, December 24, 2016

!!!BREAKING NEWS!!! Rick Parfitt Dead at 68

Rick Parfitt of the band Status Quo has died in Spain from complications of a heart attack he suffered earlier in the year. No, I have no idea who Status Quo is either. He's standing in front of Marshall amps so I'd guess they were a 70's metal act? I really have no idea I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things here. I'll miss you Status Quo guitarist I never heard of.

Site News

Okay so I haven't written much. Want to come over here and try to make me? I didn't think so. But I'll try to find something, anything to write about. I swear.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Stephanie Seymour is Weird

That fucking geek is Stephanie Seymour's husband?! He looks like he'd be more at home talking about HO Scale trains with the other nerds down at the hobby shop rather than being married to one of the hottest super models - even at 48 years old - that ever lived. And don't tell me "Well, he's rich." because she's rich too. I will never understand women.

Sofia Vergara is Tired

Sofia Vergara was out on a date with her husband Joe "Monkey Face" Managaniello when she decided to take this picture for some reason and then post it to her Instagram account. She's one of the highest paid people on television earning around $43 million dollars a year somehow, and yet, that amount of attention isn't enough for her. These people are sick. They need a never ending supply of attention and approval from strangers. Besides being on what I can only assume is a highly rated television show (okay I'll admit I have no idea what show it is), she's doing this, she's on late night infomercials for hair remover or whatever it is, and doing god only knows what else. Okay you know what? I'm sick of this idiot

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Lindsey Vonn is Dressed Up

Lindsey Vonn was pictured with her new man Kenan Smith. I'm not sure where they were headed but if you forced me to guess, I'd say they were probably going somewhere to get their eyebrows done. For the record she's 5' 10"s tall so that probably makes him around 5'6, or on a good day 5'7. I'm not really sure how to wrap this up so go fuck yourself.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Lauren Stoner Likes the Beach

Here's Lauren Stoner frolicking on Miami Beach, the dipshit capitol of the universe. I have no idea who she is or what she does and you can't make me.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Bradd Pitt Wears a Scarf

Brad Pitt was pictured in Madrid last month, probably for the Olympics or to apply for benefits or whatever it is people do in Europe I have no idea. He was in an overcoat and scarf even though the average temperature in Spain in November is usually around 62 degrees dipping down to a dangerously low 46 degrees at night. When I woke up this morning where I live it was -3.  Brad Pitt's snazzy little scarf would have been a useless annoyance. I would carpet bomb Aleppo for 62 degrees right now.

Adriana Lima Stands on Wood

Remember Adriana Lima? Boy I sure do. She was famous for something, and if I had to guess for what, it was for being pretty. Or maybe it was for being the Arm Candy for a wanna be Bulgarian mobster type. You know what I mean? A shaved head, a used BMW M5 and a lot of track suits? Oh sure you've seen them, probably outside of a shitty nightclub smoking and talking with their hands.  Well, here she is at a basketball game. That sure looks like fun doesn't it? I'm not sure why she's so dressed up to go to a sporting event. Is there a dress code for those things?

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Rebel Wilson Looks Happy

So far the most exciting news I've seen all day was how Rebel Wilson lost 33 pounds. I'm not sure what 33 pounds they're talking about, what'd she lose, a cinder block? Maybe she set it down somewhere. Try the coat check. Don't worry, those things are kind of big I'm sure it'll turn up.

John Mayer Likes Sweaters

John Mayer called his ex-girlfriend Taylor Swift's birthday "the lamest day" on Twitter. Two things.

1. I looked for the tweet for about five seconds but I couldn't find it right away so go find it yourself.

And B. I bet this is the first time you've thought about John Mayer in five years.

I swear I'd forgotten all about this guy so I guess his little tweet worked. Why write "good" "music" the people can "like" or "enjoy" when you can send tweets like a 15 year old high school cheerleader to keep you in the public eye. Yes I love quotations marks how did you know?

Monday, December 12, 2016

Melanie Griffith is a Winner

Melanie Griffith was photographed at the airport after arriving back home from her new career as an elderly Jewish Slot Jockey in Las Vegas or wherever she was.  She just plays the penny slots in the corner so she can get free drinks and no one bothers her about her constant cigarette smoking.

Robert Redford is a Hair Over 80

80 year old Robert Redford took his wig and Speedo ensemble to the beach on Friday for some fun in the sun. How do I know it's a wig? Because first of all, he's 80 years old. Secondly every other hair on his body in that picture is gray, that's how.  You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes, Wig Detective to figure that out. Get it? SherLOCK? Like a lock of hair? C'mon idiots we're talking about wigs here try to keep up.

Friday, December 9, 2016

Kanye West Made Some Nice Baskets

Kanye West died his hair yellow. The original story called it "blonde" but that isn't blonde. Here he is pictured for the first time since being released from the hospital for his mental breakdown. It was at an art installation where he is presumably showing off his "art" somewhere. Probably at The Wacky Museum of Natural History over in Looneyville.

Lena Dunham is Number 2

Here's a now deleted picture from Lena Dunham's Instagram account of her sitting on a toilet. Why? How should I know why she would post such a thing I just got here myself. The bigger question is, who took the picture?  But really,  I'm just passing it along in the hopes of ruining your weekend. Jesus. If it wasn't for that roll of toilet paper you wouldn't even know she was sitting on a toilet.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Jennifer Aniston Does it Again

I know I wrote about Jennifer Aniston less than 12 hours ago but they keep having premiers for the latest piece of crap she's starring in and -- listen I'll be honest -- she could be playing a French maid in this garbage dump and I wouldn't sit through it. But as long as they keep having premiers, and she keeps showing up looking like that, I'll keep posting the pics and regaling you with extremely humorous anecdotes. If you don't like it you could always start your own blog and make fun of me. That sounds like fun doesn't it?  Don't be too mean though, I'm sensitive.

Kid Rock Wears Clothes

Say what you want about Kid Rock but you have to admit that's a pretty cool outfit.

Jennifer Aniston is a Private Dick

Jennifer Aniston finally joined the 1981 version of Charlie's Angels. I wonder what sexy adventure she'll have first. Does it involve a remarkably handsome blogger? We'll just have to wait and see I guess. By the way, she's in a lot of movies with Jason Bateman isn't she? If I was Justin Tibedoux or whatever her husband's name is, I'd start asking some questions. I'm not trying to start any problems, it's just something I've noticed. Haven't you noticed that Jackson?

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

David Beckham Needs an Exit

David Beckham always looks like he's lost and he's trying to read exit signs on the opposite side of the freeway.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Jonah Hill Thinks Pink

Jonah Hill showed off his new look over the weekend. I'm not really sure what it's called but maybe they could name it "The Keep Him Away From Your Kids" look.

Olivia Somebody is Wholesome

One of the Olivias wore her grandmother's sewing room table cloth to the "Office Christmas Party" premier. I'm not sure where this happened because I want to see this movie like I want to accidentally kick my coffee table in the dark

Monday, December 5, 2016

Mila and Austin Kutcher Had a Baby

Noted celebrity halfwits Mila Kunis and Justin Kutcher have revealed the name of their newborn baby. It's Dimitri. That's right Dimitri. I guess they hope he'll grow up to be the leader of the Russian mafia. And I just realized I called him Justin instead of Ashton but seriously, what difference does it make.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Jasmine Tookes is a Master Criminal

Jasmine Tookes is the latest Victoria's Secret "Angel" chosen to wear their $3 million dollar bra. I'd say they must really trust her to not put it on under her jacket and secretly run off with it but, judging by the look on her face in that picture, I'd say the only thing keeping her upright is her brain stem so that thing ain't going anywhere.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Zilda Williams Enjoys Sun and Sand

I got distracted and ran out of time so here's a pointless story about some Instagram celebrity or whatever she is named Zilda Williams and her boobs in the standard red bikini. I'm sure she'll achieve great success at whatever she does. Probably "modeling" on Instagram or wherever these idiots go. I'll write more Pulitzer Prize worthy content later I swear so stay with me.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Lisa Rinna Does Things

I've been a little distracted with the holiday and all and I haven't written too much so I'd just like to point out that Lisa Rinna is 53 years old. I don't even remember why she's famous. I guess for being married to Harry Hamlin but I don't remember why he's famous either. I know he was in Clash of the Titans, or maybe he was on Dallas. Or Chico and the Man? I don't know, if you're interested check Google or IMDB and if you do let me know. Okay, well, talk to you soon.

Monday, November 28, 2016

Joanna Krupa is a Mannequin

Remember how I said I was going to write about Joanna Krupa more? Well, I wasn't lying. The BIG EXCITING JOANNA KRUPA NEWS OF THE DAY is, she did the mannequin challenge. Naked. So she officially wins the mannequin challenge. And if you think the usual Instagram comments are bad you should read the ones on this little picture. So as usual I used somebody that has me blocked on Twitter to cover them up. Oh by the way there's also a Instagram video on her account but I didn't watch more than eight or 10 times before I figured out it's basically just like the static picture.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Diane Guerrero Does Stuff

This is Diane Guerrero. She's on Orange is the New Black I guess, but I couldn't find her name when I Googled it. And I saw her on some cooking show with some celebrity chef named Bobby Flay who I guess is also from Chicago? I have no idea about that either, the whole idea of a celebrity chef is mind boggling to me. I don't even know why I was watching it.  Anyway, I saw her on that show and decided to write about her. But I've never seen Orange is the New Black either so aside from being extremely cute I know nothing about her. Her name is Diane and judging by her last name, Guerrero, is of Hispanic descent, which, by the way, is just fine with me. And according to Google, she was born in 1986, and is 5' 2" tall. Well there ya go I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Andie MacDowell at FA Ywood

The New York Daily News asked Andie MacDowell what she's thankful for and she said...
"I’m thankful that my ass still looks good at 58!”
Good. I'm glad her ass still looks good because the rest of her looks like the guy that got eaten by that spider in Arachnophobia. 

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Sophie Monk is Classy

Is Sophie Monk a porn star? She's dressed like a porn star. Somebody please tell me she's a porn star.

Jamie Foxx is Smooth

Creepy, cross-eyed weirdo Jamie Foxx was caught working out at some gym somewhere and was forced to catch a football that was thrown at 100 miles per hour or something. I only skimmed the article so I have no idea what's going on, I can't help it, the guy makes my skin crawl. When asked if he felt pressured to catch such a bewilderingly fast (!) moving object or whatever he responded...
Are you saying there's pressure? You know what I do to pressure? I make love to pressure.
See? Who the fuck talks like that? Okay maybe Billy Dee Williams in a malt liquor commercial from 1975 but c'mon. Later he was spotted wearing a $900 full length mink coat, and bell bottoms while getting into his $6,000 Cadillac Eldorado.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Anne Hathaway Needs a Prince

If a cartoon deer ever sprung to life and jumped out of a children's book to search for love,  I bet it would look like Anne Hathaway. You only have two moon cycles to find your prince, you better hurry!

Friday, November 18, 2016

Isla Fisher's Family is Dumb

Isla Fisher (left) says her own family confuses her with Amy Adams because her whole family is apparently full of dimwits that can't recognize their own relatives despite the fact that Isla Fisher...oh man Isla Fisher is 40?! I swear to God I thought she was like 25. I'm sorry for making fun of your family baby, it was just shenanigans. Let me make it up to you with a massage.

Sean Penn Sits for the Camera

Here's noted humanitarian and woman beater Sean Penn looking pretty much like the gargoyle he is. He sort of looks like David Bowie's character in "Labyrinth" if that character had washed up on a beach somewhere after falling off of a ship a week earlier.

!!!!!BREAKNG NEWS!!!!!

Britney Spears is going to a slumber party or something. I have no idea what any of that means but I like where this is headed.

Jennifer Lopez is at the Latin Grammys

Jennifer Lopez was at the Latin Grammys - whatever those are -  and she stuffed herself into a body suit? Overalls? I'm not sure what this thing is called. What most people don't realize is she's actually modeling 3M's new line of indestructible zippers. I can just imagine the scene in the dressing room where two assistants are pressing her as hard as they can up against a wall while a third used both hands and a pair of pliers to get that thing closed. "If you guys don't get this thing closed so help me Jesus I'll cut you" she probably said while doing that thing with her neck like a black girl does when she gets mad.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Diane Keaton

Diane Keaton's ghost showed up at the L'Oreal Women of Worth awards probably to scare everyone. But I have to be honest Diane, you're not very scary in your quirky hat/glasses combo. Unless that scarf is hiding a noose scar. That would be kind of scary. I guess.  Hey look man, I'm trying to come with stuff about a woman that was famous about 40 years ago in the 70's okay? So gimme a break.

Emma Watson in Front of a Bush

Emma Watson is famous for "Harry Potter and the Blood Stone of the Nerds" or whatever she was in, and also a bunch of other crap I'll never see. With all that Hollywood star power I don't understand why she has to break into her grandmother's attic to play with her haunted clothes. "Teddy was late for the tea party again! Naughty Teddy." she says, nailing his stuffed animal feet to the roof joist in the attic while Rupert the Elephant and Pablo Penguin look on in horror. Take it easy Emma this is America we don't understand all of your tea rules. Someone give her a job already, sheesh.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Thanksgiving is Next Week

The people at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade started testing their floats by inflating a Kourtney Kardashian balloon a little early. It looks like 10 pounds of silly putty stuffed into a four pound bag. They probably shouldn't include a word like ass, little kids will be seeing this and hopefully not gouging out their own eyes afterward. 

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Bon Jovi Is Numero Uno

Bon Jovi's new album is number 1 on the Billboard charts after selling 129,000 copies. I have no idea why this is news. Probably because most people are surprised that 129,000 people still like Bon Jovi.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Lady in Red

Well the election is finally over and most of the world has calmed down after two or three days, save for a small percentage of lunatics that haven't been able to refill their prescriptions this week. So in celebration of all that, I found a picture of Kate Beckinsale who put on a red dress and decided to take her big foot to some Golden Globes event. I hope hey had a nice time together. But as the smoke clears more and more, I'll probably be able to find more celebrities doing whatever it is they do and we'll live, and love and laugh again. By the way Kate, forget what I said about calling me. No, no! It has nothing to do with your weird feet I swear I'm just really busy that's all.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Kristy Swanson Does things

I accidentally discovered Kristy "Vampire Slayer" Swanson's Instagram account. I'm not really sure how because I was avoiding all the usual places I look for stories because apparently there was some kind of election and some people are - shall we say - disappointed with the result so I just tried to avoid that whole swamp all together, and figured I 'd just try again tomorrow. But she's still pretty hot and from what I can tell as I scrolled through her account looking for bikini pictures that she rides motorcycles and there isn't anything much hotter than a woman riding a motorcycle. Well, except for me riding a motorcycle but that's a totally different story and I think we'll all just let Kristy decide for herself if that's true as we ride off into the sunset together on our "hogs". That's biker lingo for motorcycle for all of you that don't know. Call me Kristy we can pop some wheelies and jump some sweet ramps. None of that was meant as a double entendre by the way.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Kendra Has a New 'Doo

Noted cutie Kendra Wilkinson was photographed leaving a hair salon shortly after demanding the "Frazzled Mom" hairdo. She was immediately whisked away in a minivan and headed straight for Target to pick up a few things.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Carmen Electra?

Carmen Electra posted a selfie of, well, herself on her Instagram "without" any make up on. Being all man I really wouldn't know if she had any make up on or not. What I do know is, if she isn't wearing any make up she looks pretty much exactly like Chelsea Handler so that pretty much finishes it for me. How would you like to wake up next to Chelsea Handler everyday. Personally I'd rather wake up next to a fully functioning air raid siren every day but hey, whatever floats your boat I guess.

Bradley Cooper is a Gumball Machine

BRADLEY. COOPER. IS. A SPACEMAN. It's funnier in your head if you do it in that monotone robot voice. Later in the afternoon he had his mom baby pin a towel around his neck and he jumped off of the garage roof even though she told him to stop doing that. The whole idea behind that body armor is, it's supposed to protect you in the event of a crash or I guess, flying debris. Normally it slips into a pocket of a leather or nylon jacket. That chest plate as he's wearing it is seems virtually useless. Unless he's meeting the gang over at the sandlot for a game of stick ball.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Demi Lovato Does This

Oh...um...Hi Demi Lovato. It's November 4th so I'm not sure what this is for. I assume not Halloween? Does it matter? No. No it doesn't. That big bed looks awful lonely baby. Maybe try one of those giant pillows that make it seem like you're in bed with another person. My friend said he loves his. I put Jennifer Aniston's face on it. WAIT! I mean HE did. The guy is a total frigin weirdo.