Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Gwyneth Paltrow Inspires Me

Gwyneth Paltrow was at the "Avengers: Invasion Force" - at least I think that's what it's called - premier WITHOUT HER NEW HUSBAND and I know I make fun of her a lot but I'm beginning to rethink my attitude. I'm just going to come right out and say it holy shit she's fucking hot. She's 45 years old, do you know what that means? You don't have to put up with all the usual bullshit that's what. That's not like dating some 26 year old who's biological clock is ticking like an atomic bomb while all of her college friends are getting married next year (even that whore Kathy) at that cute place with the fountain and the peacocks. Seriously Gwyneth it's all in good fun. You know, it's just shenanigans because I'm fun loving. I'm also a hard worker and I try to keep myself in shape plus I can fix stuff around the house. You know in case things don't work out with Danny or whatever your new ex-husbands name is.

Gemma Collins Exercises

Gemma Collins is on some British reality show called TOWIES(?) No I'm not sure either. Anyway the title of this was literally "Gemma Collins Shows off her Cleavage and Slimmed Down Figure". "Slimmed down" could mean something else in the UK I suppose. Like how they call an elevator a lift or a car hood a bonnet and fries are known as chips. Maybe Slimmed down is metric as in metric ton.

Monday, April 23, 2018

Jamie Foxx Raps at You

Creep Jamie Foxx performed at Coachella which by my estimation goes on for six months. I don't know what he performed, Shakespeare soliloquies? A loving tribute to Lawrence Olivier? No. I assume he probably rapped. Do you know how I know that? The bottle of expensive champagne and the thick gold necklace that's how. Those two things -- along with a Chrysler 300 -- are issued to you upon graduating from Rap School. I don't know much about rap music so I can't review his performance so let's just call it terrible.

Friday, April 20, 2018

Look at Heidi Klum's Butt

Remember when I mentioned Heidi Klum's butt? Well, there it is. She posted it on her Instagram, Pretty cool right? Normally I cover up the asinine comments left on these pictures with screen caps of people that have me blocked on Twitter (go visit my Twitter) but not this one. I don't know what "Hausfrauen Porno" is but I'm curious. If only I spoke French. Any way, I've already put on my detective hat and grabbed my "magnifying glass" I'll let you guys know what I find out.

Real or Fake You Decide

Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters (a band I hate more than I can describe) pulled this allegedly random kid out of a crowd in Austin Texas during a concert and handed him his guitar and the kid -- who was wearing KISS make up for some reason -- fucking killed. Is this real? There is no way this is real. I was in a band and I know how much work goes into getting this shit right. You don't just jump up on stage without rehearsal with a bunch of strangers and play like this. You might get away with that in some dive bar with a stage somewhere with a half drunk sound guy behind a four channel board, but not a professionally produced concert with a professional multi-platinum selling rock band, it just doesn't happen. Maybe professional musicians that do this day in and day out could after a quick run through during a soundcheck but even still... Pretty awesome and cool though if it's real. Still with today's apps and high speed internet I guess anything is possible.

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!

Does this confirm my suspicions? Who knows.  In case you don't click the links the "kid's" name is Yayo Sanchez, he's a "guitarist for hire" that also happens to live in Austin Texas. How convenient for everyone involved since this is where this event took place. This isn't just some random kid from the audience. And that's fine, I guess it just seems somehow...dishonest.

!!!SEXY UPDATE 2!!! After giving this some thought I've decided this is 100% pure Grade A bullshit and just one more reason to continue hating The Foo Fighters

!!!SEXY UPDATE 3!!! Why is that guy wearing KISS make up to a Foo Fighters concert? I have friends that would actually wear KISS make up to a KISS concert and even they wouldn't do this. It doesn't make any sense at all. Unless this is some kind of festival where KISS was also playing but my limited search didn't point to that.  Could it be to give Dave Grohl a reason to pick some supposedly random person out of the audience? "Hey that guy stands out let me pick him to come on stage". Why do I keep updating this? Because I keep seeing it get spread around and after one or two viewings it should be obvious to even the most dimwitted person that this isn't "real". Why do you people fall for every single thing that gets posted on the internet. Because it was on Mashable? Because Reddit says so? What's it like to wander through life with zero natural curiosity?

Avicii Dies

World renowned DJ Avicii was found dead in his hotel room in Muscat, Oman (which I pronounce Oh Man) at age 28. No one is sure why yet but he's been a super hardcore drinker for so long that his gall bladder was removed four years ago, so it could be just about anything. I guess now someone else will just have to push play on their MP3 player. Maybe Paris Hilton. It's all very sad. Hey I saw something about Heidi Klum's butt maybe I'll read that. That might cheer me up.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

Adriana Lima Sits on a Bench

Adriana Lima was in New York having her picture taken for Maybelline (why can't you be true)  because that's her job. I've written about her before so I have the bona fides to prove that I think she 's hot but that picture also proves she ain't going to age well. In 25 years she's going to look like an insane woman with really long gray hair, 40 cats, and a house full of garbage and magazines. I really hope she doesn't move somewhere that's humid because that won't help her.  And what's the deal with the person next to her? Okay I think I've had just about enough of this whole freak show

This is News Everywhere This Morning for Some Reason

Tina Fey and Amy Schumer are hosting the season finale of SNL this Saturday. I'm not sure why this is news but I figured I'd let you know in case you wanted to waste 90 minutes of your Saturday night watching this mystifyingly popular garbage dump of a show. Hey it's your life. If you can call it that.

Is This a Joke

Just fucking stop. Are you seriously kidding me right now? If you're getting your political advice from Cardi B... you know what, do what you want, I don't have to live with you.

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Site News

 Once again I realize I haven't written much lately and honestly, no one reads this garbage site anyway. But the fact of the matter is, everything on the internet is truly awful. And I have to sift through all of it to come up with even the tiniest kernel of an idea for what to write about. How many posts about Kim Kardashian, Chrissy Tiegen, and Amy Schumer would you have to read before you decided you wanted to blow your brains out? Who the fuck gives a shit what John Legend, or Cher has to say about anything? People that have to wear helmets when they go for a ride in the car that's who.

 It's horrible and quite honestly it gets worse every day. It used to take multiple generations for people to get dumber, now it's happening over the course of months. You truly don't realize. If this is the only place you ever read about celebrity types, you're just going to have to believe me because I see it all every day. The three assholes I mentioned above, along with Stormy Daniels,  are mentioned just about every day in roughly 90% of the stories I see. Want to read about President Trump's dick, day after day after day? I sure don't. I'm still looking and I'll keep trying but I make no promises.


Bob

Monday, April 16, 2018

Did Gwyneth Paltrow Get Married Question Mark

People are speculating that Gwyneth Paltrow got married to her boyfriend Brad Falchuk over the weekend. Did she? Didn't she? It's a mystery for the ages. Like Flight 19 and the Bermuda Triangle, or surviving dinosaurs in the African jungle. Can you imaging being married to that hot idiot? I could. For maybe a week or two, then I'd probably try to claw my way out like somebody kidnapped me and held me for ransom by burying me alive in a box in their backyard.

Jerry Lawler Strokes Out

Former WWE wrestler 68 year old Jerry Lawler had a stroke while having sex with his surprisingly attractive 29 year old fiance Lauryn McBride. He said he looked in a mirror and noticed his mouth was drooping. I'm not sure where this mirror was because that's pretty much the only description of any of these events I read about since I didn't need to be sick to my stomach today. He's fine now, and probably still having sex with a girl that's hotter and younger than anyone that will ever talk to you. But I really have no idea. I also don't know why that banner behind him says 2012, that was six years ago. Does that mean she was 23 when they started dating? Or is CMT just confused about dates. Dumb ass hillbillies.

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Michelle Pfeiffer Likes Ants


Michelle Pfeiffer was spotted on the set of Ant Man. I don't know what Ant Man is but she was there. I assume since this picture was taken on a "set" it's a movie. Maybe the guy next to her is Ant Man. Here's a picture of her from the movie "The Hollywood Knights" when I pretty much fell in love with her. I LOVE YOU MICHELLE.

NEW HILARIOUS STORIES

I have stories written and ready to go. I was going to post some today but they aren't really time sensitive and this way I won't have to write tomorrow.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Seth Meyers Had a Baby

Seth Meyers had a baby and still has a talk show. I'm not sure how either one of those things happened, I guess I should've paid closer attention in health class.

Friday, April 6, 2018

Look at Devin Brugman's Boobs

Devin Brugman walked around in a bikini and posted it on Instagram because Devin Brugman is apparently a "bikini blogger" which I think is a term she pretty much made up. I don't know if she blogs about bikinis or if she blogs while wearing bikinis or if she just buys them and then takes pictures in them and then returns them like some sort of bikini spy. No I don't know what that last one means either.

 She could also call herself "doughy girl that likes beer, pizza and beef sandwiches at 2am after a night of blackout drinking." and I bet that description would be just as accurate as bikini blogger. And no I didn't read the comments on any of her pictures believe me I don't need that in my life right now.

Jennifer Aniston Likes Pockets

Jennifer Aniston left a Beverly Hills hair salon looking weird. I'm not sure why, she just does. I think a combat style boot would have looked better with that outfit but whatever I'm not dressing her in the morning. Yet.

Kristen Stewart Goes on a Date. Still Gay.

Kristen Stewart was in a bunch of movies I'll never watch - no wait scratch that - I saw a few minutes of that one where she played Joan Jett but I quickly abandoned that once I realized it sucked. Well, it seems since she made all those movies she's become known mostly for being a lesbian. Good for her? Here's evidence right here in the form of a picture of her and her girlfriend going for sushi which at first I thought was a stupid immature joke but nope. There they go. If you need more Kristen Stewart updates check back here often I'm sure there'll be more amazing tales about her going food shopping, or washing her car or whatever it is actors and actresses do 10 years after their careers peak.

Thursday, April 5, 2018

Lynda Carter is a Wonder

Lynda Carter got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I never really watched Wonder Woman I thought it was kind of dumb. It's still shown here on one of those channels that show old TV shows like Marcus Welby M.D. and Perry Mason. It's pretty amazing, if you watch an old episode of Perry Mason it's pretty much the same thing as a new episode of CSI Baltimore or whatever it is you idiots watch on TV only it was made like 60 years ago. If it ain't broke don't fix it I guess. Now go back to eating your paint chips.

Kim Kardashian Surprises

Evidently people are surprised that Kim Kardashian photo-shops her pictures. I don't really have anything else too add I mean, really? You're surprised? Were you people born with the umbilical cord wrapped around your necks?

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Jenny McCarthy has Blue Hair

Somebody took a picture of Jenny McCarthy and her blue hair and then wrote a story about it. She was in Playboy 21 years ago and then died her hair blue. That seems to be the whole Jenny McCarthy time line yet she's still pretty famous. I have a friend named Jenny that was in playboy and she isn't famous. I'm not posting a link to the pictures but you can bet I have them. Anyway,  is Jenny McCarthy still against people getting vaccines? I wonder if she's gone back over all of her scientific findings and altered her thinking about that life saving procedure or is she too busy carrying a little dog around in her purse and being interviewed for no reason.