Friday, November 16, 2018

Rachel Wiesz is Devoted

Rachel Weisz - or however you spell it -  took the baby that she'll bite the head off of later during her set during the "Never Say Die" Black Sabbath tribute performance later tonight for a final walk.

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Kat Von D in Space

Kat Von D took a stroll during a break from her duties taking care of the Rancor. Or maybe she's pregnant that's possible too I stopped paying attention to these tattoo people about the same time they stopped having 20 shows each about tattoo artists and poker players. What was the deal with that?

Ahoy Captian Ben

Ben Affleck took a break from acting and returned to his first true love as Commander of the Seas.  Or maybe he went back to rehab, I'm not the guy's baby sitter I don't care what he does.

Gone House

That was Robin Thicke's house after the wild fires in California. It's pretty amazing how it's just gone. Gone like it wasn't there. It's too bad really I feel sorry for them. I make fun of celebrity types a lot but that's not a good thing to happen to anyone. Even Robin Thicke.

Chrissy Teigen is a Winner

!!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!! I forgot to post this yesterday


Lots of stuff about the People's Choice Awards today I guess. So much so I have stuff I won't bother posting until tomorrow. Anyway, Chrissy Teigen was there too. She blew off cheerleading practice and the rest of the Mean Girls to attend the same People's Choice Awards as all the other semi-famous people, but she left early so she could get home to be shitty to strangers on the internet.

Monday, November 12, 2018

Busy Phillips Won Stuff


What awards show would be complete without Busy Phillips? I thought her grandparents were the people from the 60s folk rock group The Mamas and the Papas but I guess she's from Oak Park Illinois which isn't far from me, and I think I'd know if The Mamas and The Papas lived there, because it's all the old hippies in that garbage dump of a town would talk about. Oak Park is one of those places where you could be standing in front of your million dollar house raking leaves like like some 1950s dad, and if you cross the street you might get shot in the head for your imitation gold necklace. Don't believe me? Stop by and I'll drop you off over there. If you make it back alive I'll owe you a Coke.

Sarah Silverman is Punk

Sarah Silverman also attended The People's Choice Awards. No one mentioned if she was there with anyone but at least she took her sneer while wearing a dress that was designed by Cap'n Crunch.

Mila Kunis is a Winner

Mila Kunis was hypnotized and sent to The People's Choice Awards last night, probably for the "Still Around For Some Reason but No One is Really Sure Why" award. I think she's married to Ashton Kutcher but I can't be sure. Frankly I don't think she knows.

Thursday, November 8, 2018

Chris Pratt is Fluffy

Chris Pratt was out with Katherine Schwarzenegger when he showed off what he's calling his "dad bod". I don't know where he was going probably to get nachos.

Larsa Pippen Isn't a Gold Digger

Larsa Pippen was married to former Chicago Bulls basketball player Scottie Pippen and now that she's divorced from him, she wants everyone to know she isn't a "gold digger". She started off her whirlwind public relations tour by showing up on the red carpet at a movie premier alone, after about $100,000 worth of plastic surgery , while wearing a vinyl dress and a diamond encrusted choker made up of the word "QUEEN" all while dressed like she was a stripper in a low rent gentleman's club but you know what? I believe her.  Maybe she isn't a gold digger. Maybe she just likes all that stuff ironically who can say.

Walkin the Dog

This entire story was about a series of pictures of two nobodies walking a dog and the man picking up poop. That's it. That's the whoooole thing. Christine and Frank Lampard? I have no idea. I know the election in the US is over and there isn't a bunch of other things to talk about in England, so I guess a story about dog walking is not to be unexpected. I bet my neighbors Phil and Martha will be walking their dog later if the Daily Mail gets a special correspondent on a plane RIGHT NOW they can be here in time. 189 people congratulated that person for telling that guy he did a good job picking up poop.

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Melissa Gorga Does Stuff

I was going to write a gushing story about Melissa Gorga and her bikini until I saw the picture on the left later in the unlinked story and I figured I'd just leave these two in whatever garbage filled gutter they crawled out of.

Dua Lipa Has Legs

All this time I thought Dua Lipa was a brand of coffee or maybe yoga pants but nope, she's a person. You can bet I know who she is now though. For the time being anyway. She's an actress or maybe a singer. Please, I don't care that much.

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

James Corden Goes to a Basketball Game

James Corden was at a Lakers game with his son (who I cropped out of the picture because he's just a kid). Jesus.  Like proving Einstein's theory of an ever expanding universe, you can almost watch this guy get fatter.

Asshole Makes Fun of Injured Soldier

Pete Davidson, formerly known as Mr Ariana Grande, is in hot water for making fun of someone that's 10 times the man he'll ever be, and also lost an eye after an IED exploded in the war in Afghanistan. Any of which I would probably be mad about if I gave a shit about what Pete Davidson thought about anything but I guess everybody needs something to be mad about so here you go. And I wasn't going to bring it up, but since it's an issue now, what's with Pete's left eye? Just wondering.

Monday, November 5, 2018

Olivia and Danny Have Troubles

Olivia Culpo bought her boyfriend Danny a $12,000 Rolex for his birthday but he cheated on her so she's keeping it for herself despite the fact that it's a man's watch. She knows she can probably exchange that right? I assume that's her in the corner with the aforementioned "Danny", and yes, they look exactly like the kind of people that think Rolex is a classy watch ("Rolex the watch that comes with a bottle of Hennessy"). You know how you can tell? His way too tight ill fitting suit and her empty stare. I can only assume that's her hand in what I can only imagine is an Infinit QX80 or maybe a Range Rover. I've seen it 100 times before. I think she's a model but there was a wave of Olivia's in the early 2000s and they all look nearly identical so I mostly stopped keeping track.

Sunday, November 4, 2018

Speaking of Voting

YAWN. Chelsea Handler posted a "topless" photo of herself on Instagram to encourage people to vote. I wonder what she'd say if her encouragement lead people to vote the opposite way she wants them too. I have to be honest I'm not sure exactly what her taking her clothes off  has to do with the other but I guess it worked because here I am talking about her even though with each passing day she becomes more and more irrelevant until eventually she'll collapse in on herself like a dying star creating a very, very, very  tiny black hole. She's dense enough already so why not.

Friday, November 2, 2018

Election Day is Coming

Please don't take political advice from Olivia Munn. Although I'm sure she's very nice.

Channing Tatum and Jessie J Make Babies

I'm sorry to report to you ladies that celebrity mongoloid Channing Tatum is officially dating "songstress" Jesse J who I remember had a middling hit from some time in the early 2000s. I don't remember the name of the song or how it went but I remember hearing it. I'm pretty sure she isn't that "Call Me Maybe" woman but she might be, what am I the Library of Congress?  For all I know she's bigger than Led Zeppelin now I can't be sure, I don't listen to shitty music. Listen, he was single for a while but you didn't move fast enough. You really have to be on your toes when a guy like that is single. He's a man of action. You might think I'm being a little harsh but don't worry I'm pretty sure he can't read this. Anyway, I hope they get married and have lots of kids where they can enjoy eating paste and mud together as one big happy family.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Halsey is in a Bathroom

I'm pretty sure I already wrote about Halsey dressed up as Poison Something for Halloween, but I'm not looking. It's not my job to keep an eye on me. And anyway, she's smokin' hot and if there's one way to get my attention, it's be a hot woman.  I would have thought that someone as temporarily famous as her could find somewhere better to have her picture taken than the bathroom of a banquet hall but I don't know how all this celebrity stuff works so who knows.

Kate and Prince George Walk Around

The story I stole this picture from was mostly about Kate Middleton's clothes. I mean really, what else is there to talk about when it comes to these people. Nothing that's what. They don't actually do anything. So their clothes are pretty much it, along with stories of them greeting some foreign dignitary somewhere, whether or not they're having babies, how Prince William lost his oat bag... It did mention the blazer she's wearing cost $800. I don't think I have $800 worth of clothes in my whole house but good for her. I will say this. I think she's very attractive. I like her face, she looks like a JCPenney model. She's sexy, but not so sexy that you'd be afraid of her. And she probably looks good in affordable underwear. Having said all that I will also say I get a certain "vibe" from her. I know she's married with children but...hey not that there's anything wrong with that it's just something I've noticed. I'll let you guys know what I hear.

Don McLean is a Wonder

Have you ever heard of Don McLean? I bet you probably have and don't even realize it. He did that song "bye, bye Miss American Pie. Drove my Chevy to the levee..." and so on. Yes this song. Anyway he's 73 years old now, and was photographed with his 24 year old model girlfriend "Paris Dylan".  I mean...what? I once had a woman that was three years younger than me say I was too old for her. This woman is FIVE DECADES younger than this guy. He's not even really a huge celebrity. I couldn't name one other song he ever did. He's the very definition of the phrase One Hit Wonder. What am I missing here?  At least four wars involving the USA have started and ended since his birth in 1945. She was born in 1994. I don't know, I don't get it, Where's MY 24 year old model girlfriend? I wouldn't even know how to talk to a 24 year old and I'm multiple decades younger than he is. Hell, he's only had one more top ten hit than I've had.  Obviously he knows something that I don't because I don't even know how to get out of this story.

Kendra Wilkinson Does Stuff

Kendra Wilkinson went out for a frozen yogurt this weekend. She went with her dumb kids but I found a picture of just her by herself. Isn't she cute? I don't know what else happened, frankly I think that was the whole story, I just think she's really cute.

Monday, October 29, 2018

Ashleigh Brewer is a Tactical Genius


 Ashleigh Brewer thinks it's a great time to be a woman in Hollywood...
 'I would hate to be a middle-aged white man in Hollywood at the moment. It really is a great time for women,' Ashleigh said. 
 I hope she's right because even by my standards I have zero idea who Ashleigh Brewer is. And that's really saying something. But hey  maybe she'll get her big break now after slamming all the middle aged white men that make all of the big studio decisions in Hollywood. You never know,  during her next interview she can talk about how she's glad The Jews aren't in charge of all the banks anymore.

Halsey Lives Green

Halsey went to a Halloween party dressed as Poison Ivy. Maybe I've been wrong about Halsey this whole time. Oh her music is still really, really awful but, I mean maybe she'd like to get married and settle down. I hope I can convince her to keep the wig and the costume.

Friday, October 26, 2018

Daphne Joy is Someone

Daphne Joy, who as far as I can tell is basically "famous" for being a gold-digger, and "hang around"  that dated 50 Cent and Jason Derulo was also posting things on her Instagram (which for political reasons I've decided I'm not linking, go find it yourself). Mainly she posted this picture of her in this dress and stripper heels. Seriously, those are the shoes you picked out? And this dress?  Do you get all your fashion tips from MILF porn?  I was surprised to learn that I've written about her before. Hey, if you idiots will keep reading it, I'll write about every soulless bimbo from now until Kingdom Come it's no skin off my nose, I don't have anything better to do.

Jennifer Lopez Looks Okay

Jennifer Lopez - 49 year old Jennifer Lopez - posted this picture on her Instagram and then I saw it and shared it with you here. Isn't the internet a wonder?

Shauna Sexton Also Does Things

This is Ben Affleck's ex-girlfriend Shauna Sexton. The big story is she went out with friends. TA DAH! I put on my hat with the card in the hat band that reads PRESS to break this Earth shattering news. I was going to add she's dressed like what a 23 year old would think was sexy, but it turns out she is 23 years old so I guess that explains it. She dated Ben Affleck you know.

Amber Heard Does Stuff

Remember Amber Heard? Boy I sure do. She was somewhere doing something and she had to be dressed up. She's bisexual you know. This was a good story wasn't it?

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Jennifer Aniston is Timeless

Jennifer Aniston was at the "InStyle Awards Ceremony for Awareness or Whatever it was This Time" yesterday (?). What the ceremony was for wasn't really mentioned but they did say she was 49... Again. Listen, she could be an outer space alien that would insert one of those chest bursting embryos in me and I wouldn't care they don't have to lie about her age.

Dwayne Johnson is Swollen

Dwayne Johnson posted this picture, along with the Moby Dick of captions, on his Instagram. I guess he's getting "swole" for a new Fast & Furious movie. I really don't see why they don't just put the old movies in new wrappers. The dummies that watch that crap really won't know the difference. And even the few that did notice would wind up dead not long after once they realize it, after "drifting" off the edge of a cliff or into a tree or whatever it is they do in their tiny lawnmower cars. For some reason I think Dwayne looks like a gumball machine but I'm not the one he has to impress.

Sunday, October 21, 2018

Selma Blair has MS

I know I make fun of people a lot on here. Some of it justified, maybe some of it not. But Selma Blair says she has multiple sclerosis and that sucks. Like for real.
“I am disabled. I fall sometimes. I drop things. My memory is foggy. And my left side is asking for directions from a broken gps,” Blair revealed. “But we are doing it.”
According to the former Anger Management actress, she was first diagnosed with MS on August 16.
 I know, or I guess I should say I very distantly knew, a girl that has multiple sclerosis. We were having a conversation and she told me she was diagnosed as having it that week, and a month later she needed a cane just to walk. She stopped coming around so I'm not entirely sure what happened to her but I'm sure it wasn't good. What do you say, "good luck with having MS"? I don't know I'm never any good with stuff like this.

Friday, October 19, 2018

Nikki Lund is Somebody

This is Nikki Lund. The place I stole these pictures from said she was "Kim Kardashian's childhood friend". I'd like to know who calls photographers and other assorted members of the "media" while these nobodies are splashing around on a beach pretending to have fun. And not only do they call photographers etc., they show up! Well whatever I'll never hear about this nobody again and frankly that's fine with me. I have enough problems I don't need Kim Kardashian's trailings messing up my fragile psyche.

Thursday, October 18, 2018

Katherine McPhee Likes Jewelry

Katharine McPhee was at some jewelry boutique opening with her fiance David Foster (?) who's a whopping 34 years older than she is. He was already pretty much a middle-aged man when she was born. Not that it matters because it doesn't - and my record on age differences no matter who is older/younger between men and women is pretty clear - it's just weird to think about. So maybe it's true. Maybe my next wife HASN'T been born yet. And I thought Katherine McPhee was in Fleetwood Mac so I have no idea who she is. Who am I thinking of? I'll call you later for the answer.

Jamie Foxx Does Something

It's weird how Jamie Foxx can be fat and have abs all at the same time. Whatever. Creep.

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Chris Pine is Wooden

Chris Pine was at The London Film Festival in character to see the opening of his new film "Handsome Cookout Dad Mannequin from a 1970s Sears Catalog". I hope it's a smash hit. Brown shoes? The story I didn't link says he's 38 years old and I'm like, yeah okay and me and the Loch Ness Monster hang out once in a while.

My No One Cares Life

That standard asshat in the picture is some guy named Randy Statum and he was the "star" of some show called "My 600 Pound Life" which is a show about people that weigh five times more than a baby hippopotamus. Anyway, the link I followed said I should check out his "incredible weight loss transformation" since he's now down to a svelte 350 pounds. Only three and a half times as much as a baby hippopotamus. Good going guy on a show that no one watches, as evidenced by the fact that the Instagram post this picture came from had one like. This is apparently a publicly broadcasted weekly television show and it got one like. That weird dude that posts ancient pictures of boners from the Renaissance and sex memes gets more likes than that.  So congratulations TLC you're almost literally flushing money down the toilet.

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Demi Moore Goes to a Wedding

Someone named Princess Eugenie or Eugenia got married in England last Thursday or maybe Friday. Saturday? I'm not exactly sure. I did read a couple of headlines about it, and quickly scrolled through the pictures but that's pretty much where it ended, because I'd never heard of Princess Eugene so I cared even less then I did when Meghan Marckle married Prince Phillip (?). And I didn't think caring less was possible. What can I say I'm a goal setter and a go getter.

Well, evidently this Princess Ed wedding was quite the star studded affair with major celebrities from the 1990s attending. Celebrities like Demi Moore. It wasn't made clear if the person she was with was her date, or her dad but I'm going with date. Only because that seems to be the logical choice. All I saw was his name was Eric Buterbaugh which of course I immediately read as Butterball. Demi Moore is 55 years old and still pretty attractive. At least to me. So I feel sort of bad that the dating pool of men for "women of a certain age", as they say,  tend to be all guys that look like that. And I'm not joking, every single one of them look like him. Maybe he's very nice, and probably has billions of dollars which is most likely the case because I'm sitting right here and she didn't call me to go with her to this shindig. And while I'm no Rock Hudson I ain't exactly the Elephant Man either. It's fine Demi next time don't bother. Me and Jennifer Aniston have better things to do anyway.

Todd Harrell gets a Shiny New Dime

Former 3 Doors Down founder and bassist Tod Harrell was handed a 10 year prison sentence. I thought it was because of the headbands and the music but no it was a gun charge.

Note: I'm posting this even though no one cares because I wrote it.

Monday, October 15, 2018

Meghan and Harry Have a Baby

Megan Markle and Henry Prince are having a baby. I'm not sure why everyone talks about this so much since no one outside of England cares. No one normal anyway.

Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson Take a Train to Splitsville

    Hahaha this is the funniest thing I've seen all day. Not even two weeks ago people were talking about them like they were the new Princess Di and Prince Wayne or whatever the fuck that guy's name is. It's no wonder they split, that Pete guy looks like he doesn't even know what day of the week it is. And I can practically guarantee Ariana Grande doesn't even know the days of the week. Too bad they made a nice couple. They went together like two peas in a very stupid pod. Better luck next time you crazy, brain damaged kids.

Rachel McCord Looks Okay

I really buckled down and wrote a whole bunch of garbage that's all lined up and ready to go. I may space it out a little since none of it is particularly "time sensitive" or I may post all of it in one giant wad. Who can say? I'm unpredictable. In the meantime, to help me decide, I posted this picture of Rachel McCord I found somewhere yesterday to help me decide. I'm not sure if she walks around like that all the time but you know what? It's absolutely fine with me, last time I checked this was still a free country.

Friday, October 12, 2018

Sarah Fowlkes Needs a Job

The woman in the header photo is 28 year old Sarah Fowlkes. She was a teacher. A married teacher. I bet you already know where this is going.

According to the police department, officers received a report March 10 from a school administrator at Lockhart High School about a possible inappropriate relationship between a student and a teacher. The investigation led a Lockhart detective to a 17-year-old male student, who had been in contact in person and by message with Fowlkes. Their contact was of a sexual nature, police said.

I think it's high time we stopped persecuting these heroes. From roughly 1979 through most of the 1980s there were I don't even know how many movies with this story line. So many I'm not even going to link them all. Legitimate Hollywood features with people like Jacqueline Bisset, and they had titles like "Screwballs", "The Big Bet", and "My Tutor" Plus the guy was 17 not 13. One of the biggest musical hits from one of the biggest rock bands to ever exist on Earth in the 1980s more or less dealt with this very subject. Van Halen's Hot for Teacher.

I was 17 once and believe you me, I would have kept my big fat mouth shut. But shit like this never happens to me. I know what people are going to say, "Yeah but what if she was a man and the teenager was a girl?" What if? What if it rains gold? What if you're driving down the street and a hippopotamus attacks your car? The fact is, the roles weren't reversed and she wasn't a man so your point is totally moot and there's no reason to debate this. Plus she looks like an even more attractive version of Kristen Bell. The one thing I don't understand is what a 28 year old Kristen Bell look alike is doing sleeping with a 17 year old boy when I'm just a phone call away. Soldier on hot female teachers that bang their male teen students. You have my unwavering support.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

To Kill a Play


 Shorewood High School in Wisconsin cancelled their student play "To Kill a Mockingbird"

Just hours before the curtain was to go up, Shorewood High School has canceled its production of "To Kill a Mockingbird" in response to a planned protest over its use of the n-word.
News of a planned protest had circulated on social media early Thursday. And by early afternoon, Superintendent Bryan Davis pulled the plug

Maybe instead of protesting these things, Lefty idiots can just cut to the chase and skip right to burning books they don't like that contain "offensive ideas and words". You know, just like back in the good old days like they used to do.

Rita Ora is Famous

Rita Ora can post all of the nude selfies she wants, they'll never make me want to learn who she is or what she does. All I know is she's in all of the British celebrity rags constantly, but that's just about the only place I ever hear about her, so I guess she's famous in the UK. Big deal. Being famous in the UK is like being the toughest nerd in the computer lab. No one cares.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Cardi B is Comfortable

Cardi B was also at The American Music Awards but unlike Taylor Swift, Cardi B was dressed like a couch from the 1980s. Maybe it's good for hiding a weapon in case Nicki Minaj and her "crew"  "jumps" her at an after party. You can't be to careful these days.

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Taylor Swift is Shiny

Taylor Swift was at the American Music Awards last night looking pretty much like every futuristic sexbot I've ever fantasized about. This is pretty much all I have to say. Welcome to my brain. I don't even know if they hand out trophies for music anymore.

Monday, October 8, 2018

Mike Sorrentino Goes to Prison

Guido moron Mike "The situation" Sorrentino form the show Jersey Shore received an eight month prison sentence for tax evasion and all I have to say about that is good. They should put them all in a cell and weld the door closed. If we locked more of these idiots away, the world would be a much better place.

Blac Chyna is Spaced Out

Blac Chyna - who is apparently still famous for some reason - took a break from being the Elfen Princess of Rigel 7 in the next Star Trek movie to attend the BET Awards which I didn't know were happening. I hope that one guy won. I also hope no one got stabbed, but if they did I hope they get an award for it or whatever happens at these award shows I really don't even know anymore.

Thursday, October 4, 2018

Hana Giraldo is a Heartbreaker

I know I haven't written anything in like two days or maybe a month but whatever. I'll make it up to you with a story.  I  remember having such a crush on Pat Benatar when I was a kid that it actually physically hurt. I had to be in jr high or maybe grade school I guess, I don't know. We're all older now and Pat's got a few gray hairs and maybe some wrinkles, but I'm willing to look past all of that directly at her daughter Hana Giraldo. She says she's 24 but she's 24 like I'm Sammy Davis Jr. Frankly she could say she grows heroin on Jupiter for all I care and I'll believe her. So I figured I'd come roaring back starting with this and if I don't at least it's not Alec Baldwin or some other bloated walrus at the top of this page