Sunday, December 30, 2018

Somebody Named Deena is Pregnant

Jersey Shore star Deena Cortese is still pregnant. And people are still writing about Jersey Shore "stars". I think she was Jwoww? Is that who she was? Why is this still something people pay attention too? I'm doing it because it's Sunday and there isn't much else going on, and this is something I do. What's your excuse, being dumb?

Friday, December 28, 2018

Jared Leto is Wacky

I spend probably 90% of my time here writing about hot women in there 40s etc. Why not? First, it's my blog. Second I'm a super macho dude that likes the ladies and they say "write what you know". So for a change I figured I'd throw the ladies a bone - as they say - and write about a 47 year old shirtless weirdo named Jared Leto. He posted this because it was his "birthday". I don't understand why you'd post a shirtless selfie because it's his birthday but he did. I thought he was an actor, then I thought he was in a band the name of which I have long forgotten and now I don't know what he is. But there he is in all of his 47 year old glory with abs and a Santa hat.I don't know if men get better as they get older like women as I've posited on so, so many occasions, but he has a big necklace so I guess that's something.  I bet he's short. Like 5'9.


I checked Google and wouldn't you know it? He's 5'9. I'm a genius

Kendall Jenner has a Flat Tummy

Kendall Jenner posted this picture to her Instagram and someone wrote a story about it complimenting her on her flat "tummy". She's 23 years old, she supposed to have a flat stomach. She hasn't had enough time to get fat yet. Plus, after looking at her for a while she looks like one of those people that can eat Doritos and cupcakes for breakfast never do one single sit up and still fit into the same clothes they wore in high school. Fuck you Jeff.

Blanca Blanco Sits Around

Blanca Blanco, who's name translated means White White, did a photo shoot dressed like Sophia Loren and people said "Hey she looks like Sophia Loren". I'm not sure why she did this exactly, but they're both women with dark hair and they both have boobs of course, so yeah she's just like Sophia Loren. Full disclosure: I never really "got" the whole Sophia Loren thing but I guess being different is what makes the world go 'round.

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Jessica Simpson is Pregnant

Jessica Simpson is pregnant. Really, really pregnant. Really really REALLY pregnant. I don't think I've ever seen anyone this pregnant.  No one in the future of space and time will ever be this pregnant again.

Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Jenji Kohan is on the Market

Get in line fellas because Orange is the New Black creator Jenji Kohan filed for a divorce from her husband Luke Perry or whatever the fuck his name is. Good luck to the both of them during this trying time. Hey look it's Christmas okay so it was either this, or something about some brain dead idiot named Madison Beers. Guess who won the coin toss.

Madison Beer is Somebody

Two nobodies - Madison Beer and her boyfriend Zack Bia - roamed the streets aimlessly after leaving a North London Lobotomy clinic. See what universal style health care gets you? You get stories about the living dead wandering the streets, dressed up to go nowhere in particular while people take their picture for no reason. God I look forward to 2019 when the apocalypse finally arrives.

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!! I accidentally hit "publish" instead of "save" a little while ago when I was writing this and some people already saw it so I may as well just post it now. Way to ruin the surprise.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas from me and Elizabeth Hurley

Friday, December 21, 2018

Amber Heard Wears Clothes

Amber Heard has been in all the celebrity rags lately. Mostly for wearing clothes and getting coffee. Here she is wearing clothes and getting coffee. In ripped jeans which I hate and think look ridiculous unless you're a hobo living under a bridge with one of those bags on a stick. A quick look around the internet tells me she's in Aquaman but I don't know what that is and you can't make me.

Sunday, December 16, 2018

Hilary Duff is a New Mom

Hilary Duff had a baby a month ago so she put on her mom jeans and went to Olive Garden to celebrate. Good for her, new moms should get away once in a while.

Friday, December 14, 2018

Amy Schumer Takes a Stand Against Lying Down

Amy Schumer said in an interview that she doesn't want to look super fuckable anymore. If you say so Amy.

Janet Jackson Looks Uncomfortable

Janet Jackson is giving up the humdrum work a day world of pop superstardom to take up the quiet thankless job of being an evil headmistress at a New England school for wayward girls in the early 1900s. Won't you join me and wish her all the best.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Sam Faiers is 27

Sam Faiers is some actress in England I think that was in a movie (?) called The Mummy Diaries which I guess is probably a scary version of the Mommy Diaries? I'm well informed.  I've never heard of her but she was in London for something. Judging by how she's dressed I'd guess she was there visiting 1987. The original story, which I'm of course I didn't read am not linking, said she was 27. 27? C'mon. I know British women always look 10 years older than they are - and my rule about women become more attractive after 30 is pretty well established case law around here so it's not as if it matters to me - but please. 27? She's 35 minimum. But okay I'll believe your little tale but I want to see a birth certificate and at least two forms of ID and her phone number. You know. Just in case.

Monday, December 10, 2018

Elsa Pataky Makes Everything Better

I don't have a lot of time right now but I happened to stumble across this picture of Elsa Pataky at some movie premier. I didn't catch the name of the movie movie because I almost immediately went blind. Good Lord. I'll be back later or maybe I won't and I'll just leave this at the top of the page for all eternity. Either way.

Sunday, December 9, 2018

More Like Jingle Bell Balling

This story originally started out being about someone named Cheryl, who I think I've mentioned before, and lo and behold I have, how weird is that? She was performing in London at the Jingle Bell Ball sponsored by Capital FM 95-106 because just like their phone numbers, even British radio stations have way to many numbers. But being my brain is like a steel trap I switched midstream and decided to write about how this Christmas show apparently had a bunch of sex robots (pictured) delivered to their red carpet. It seems a little weird to me but I'm a big fan of the coming sex robots so really, I'm not complaining.

Goodbye Kate Beckinsale

My love affair with Kate Beckinsale ended at exactly 9:51 am on December 9, 2018 when I saw this picture of her leaving some kind of event with her friends and she had that stupid "QUEEN" tiara or whatever it's called on her head. I don't care if it was meant tongue in cheek that's a huge red flag.

Friday, December 7, 2018

Jennifer Aniston Braless

Remember when I said I'd write about Jennifer Aniston's braless photo shoot for Elle Magazine? Of course you do how could you forget it was like 10 minutes ago, what are you a goldfish? Well here it is and you better read it because you're never going to see that movie. Ever have this crazy idea of living in the desert with a hot blonde that wears nothing but dago t-shirts and aviator sunglasses? Because I do.

I Like Black and Orange

Jennifer Aniston was at the premier of her new movie "Dumplin'" and no I'm not sure why she's orange. It's okay with me though I wouldn't care if she was green. Frankly that might be kind of awesome. And to prove I don't care,  I'll whip together a quick post about her bra-less photo shoot for some magazine. I think it's Elle but other than Soldier of Fortune and Easyrider I don't read magazines so don't ask me.

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Halle Berry is Pretty in Pink

I have to be honest, I don't feel like doing this much at all this week so here's Halle Berry at some thing somewhere. The website where I steal 90% of these pictures from seems to love pointing out people's ages, and they were only to happy to mention that Halle Berry is 52. Halle Berry could be 502 for all I give a shit, honestly what difference does it make. Let's face it you're half  her age and  you're probably younger than I am and you could only dream of looking that good so why don't you get off of mine and Halle's backs.

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Gwyneth Paltrow is on the Beach

Goofy flake Gwyneth Paltrow says she's glad paparazzi weren't as prevalent in the 90'swhen she and Brad Pitt called it quits.
'Cameron Diaz and I talk about this all the time. We’re like, "Thank God in the early ’90s there were [so few] paparazzi. Thank God."' she added.
'We cry in gratitude that no one was following us around and seeing what we were doing.'
Yeah gee that's too bad. Also there was a story about how she's selling some kind of $4000 weekend sex bag or something, but if you need $4000 worth of items to have fun having sex instead of just spending $50 bucks on some wine coolers and Miracle Whip or something - I hate to break this to you - you're doing something terribly wrong. Either way neither story really interested me all that much I was just using them as an excuse to post that picture she took for something called WSJ Magazine. Good God she's attractive isn't she? See? I don't need to spend $4000 when a free internet picture will do just fine.

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Taylor Swift Update!

Remember when she dressed like this? Boy was that something.

Elizabeth Hurley is Exciting

If Elizabeth Hurley keeps posting bikini pictures on Instagram I'll keep writing about it. It's why the internet was invented

Neil DeGrasse Tyson Investigates

 Neil DeGrasse Tyson is being looked at through a super powerful telescope. Kind of like how he might look into outer space or whatever. You see, he's the internet/pseudo-smart person's latest darling to walk into a meat grinder
 The action follows a report by David McAfee, in which Dr. Katelyn N. Allers, Associate Professor of Physics and Astronomy at Bucknell University, claimed that Tyson groped her at an after-party following a meeting of the American Astronomical Society in 2009, while Tyson’s former assistant Ashley Watson said she was forced to quit her job over his inappropriate sexual advances.
 Are we still believing all women? Or is that a selective thing. I guess we're about to find out aren't we.

Friday, November 30, 2018

Nicole Murphy is at the Beach

Eddie Murphy's ex-wife Nicole was on vacation in Thailand and posted some pictures on her Instagram and for that I'm thankful. The source story, which I'm not linking, made it a point to point out that she's 50 years old. Guess what. I do not care. I'd push your 25 year old ass down the stairs to get to her and I wouldn't lose a second's sleep over it. Unless you're actually hotter than her which at the moment seems unlikely but I could be tired, c'mon baby don't be like that you know the whole Nicole Murphy thing was just a mistake. Anyway, give me a call Nicole you know where I am.

Kid Rock Calls Joy Behar an Accurate Name

Kid Rock called Joy Behar a bitch and everyone is freaking out because the fact that Joy Behar is a bitch is shocking news to them I guess.
“This bitch and these bitches will be happy to have you on the show and have a beer,” Behar said, gesturing at the other women at the table.
“He’s gonna have to do better than beer with me,” co-host Ana Navarro replied. “If he’s gonna call you a bitch, the least he can do is show up here with Blue Label [scotch whiskey].”
I have a feeling being a guest on the view would be like being in the room in Jaws when Quint is scratching his nails on the chalk board only there's five Quints and no giant shark to swallow them all whole to end your misery. I don't even know why you're going on The View anyway.

Thursday, November 29, 2018

Helen Flanagan Goes to the Beach

Another attractive woman in her late 20s went to the beach and pretended to go in the water, I imagine so she wouldn't mess up her hair or make up. Just imagine how much fun it is to be around her. Her name is Helene Flanagan and if you wondered why people are writing about her, it's because she's an attractive woman in her late 20s wearing a bikini at the beach. It's the magic of news aggregators I guess. I mean look, I wrote about her. But in my defense I love women in bikinis so at least I have an excuse.

Saturday, November 24, 2018

So Long Sara Sampaio

Sara Sampaio went to the beach with her doughy boyfriend Joey "Flubber" Beckworth. I'm kidding I have no idea what his name is and I'm not bothering to find out. I have enough information in my head, I don't need his name in there taking space. I've written about her a couple of times before but I guess this is the last time. It's pretty obvious she isn't into tall, muscular, handsome, brilliant men and seems to prefer the dumpy, beer swilling, sports bar dweller. If that guy doesn't have at least one hockey jersey he wears at least once a week I'll eat my hat.

Tekashi 6ix9ine Faces Prison

Rapper, deep thinker, intellectual, and life time honorary member of The Algonquin Round Table, Tekashi 6ix9ine is facing life in prison for violating probation and (allegedly) offering to pay $30,000 for a hit on some guy named Tadpole or whatever the fuck his name is, along with various other criminal acts whatever they may be. I'm finished writing about this sub-moron so you can click the link and watch the story if you feel so compelled, but be forewarned, there's a lot of strong language. Or at least I think there is because I can't understand a word of what anyone says. He wants to be locked up for life and I say, so be it. Just give it to him. No one will miss him.

Friday, November 23, 2018

Amanda Holden is on a Beach

I know I haven't written anything lately and I'm sorry. Work gets in the way, there's nothing to write about and I don't want to force it, getting a nearly lethal cold and generally having a life can all interrupt the exciting life of a blogger. Especially one that's as grossly underpaid as me. And I'm not getting paid at all, so you can see the problem. And then one day out of the blue Amanda Holden shows up in the Maldives. She's famous in Britain (so not famous at all) and I'm not exactly sure for what reason, because what possible reason could there be, but who cares. She's famous in my heart and really that's the important thing. I'm sure she was probably there with her ridiculous husband and stupid kids (not pictured) but her having kids and an ex some day wouldn't bother me at all. I mean they'd be on the opposite side of the world from us as her and I start a new master race of beautiful people.

Friday, November 16, 2018

Rachel Wiesz is Devoted

Rachel Weisz - or however you spell it -  took the baby that she'll bite the head off of later during her set during the "Never Say Die" Black Sabbath tribute performance later tonight for a final walk.

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Kat Von D in Space

Kat Von D took a stroll during a break from her duties taking care of the Rancor. Or maybe she's pregnant that's possible too I stopped paying attention to these tattoo people about the same time they stopped having 20 shows each about tattoo artists and poker players. What was the deal with that?

Ahoy Captian Ben

Ben Affleck took a break from acting and returned to his first true love as Commander of the Seas.  Or maybe he went back to rehab, I'm not the guy's baby sitter I don't care what he does.

Gone House

That was Robin Thicke's house after the wild fires in California. It's pretty amazing how it's just gone. Gone like it wasn't there. It's too bad really I feel sorry for them. I make fun of celebrity types a lot but that's not a good thing to happen to anyone. Even Robin Thicke.

Chrissy Teigen is a Winner

!!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!! I forgot to post this yesterday

Lots of stuff about the People's Choice Awards today I guess. So much so I have stuff I won't bother posting until tomorrow. Anyway, Chrissy Teigen was there too. She blew off cheerleading practice and the rest of the Mean Girls to attend the same People's Choice Awards as all the other semi-famous people, but she left early so she could get home to be shitty to strangers on the internet.

Monday, November 12, 2018

Busy Phillips Won Stuff

What awards show would be complete without Busy Phillips? I thought her grandparents were the people from the 60s folk rock group The Mamas and the Papas but I guess she's from Oak Park Illinois which isn't far from me, and I think I'd know if The Mamas and The Papas lived there, because it's all the old hippies in that garbage dump of a town would talk about. Oak Park is one of those places where you could be standing in front of your million dollar house raking leaves like like some 1950s dad, and if you cross the street you might get shot in the head for your imitation gold necklace. Don't believe me? Stop by and I'll drop you off over there. If you make it back alive I'll owe you a Coke.

Sarah Silverman is Punk

Sarah Silverman also attended The People's Choice Awards. No one mentioned if she was there with anyone but at least she took her sneer while wearing a dress that was designed by Cap'n Crunch.

Mila Kunis is a Winner

Mila Kunis was hypnotized and sent to The People's Choice Awards last night, probably for the "Still Around For Some Reason but No One is Really Sure Why" award. I think she's married to Ashton Kutcher but I can't be sure. Frankly I don't think she knows.

Thursday, November 8, 2018

Chris Pratt is Fluffy

Chris Pratt was out with Katherine Schwarzenegger when he showed off what he's calling his "dad bod". I don't know where he was going probably to get nachos.

Larsa Pippen Isn't a Gold Digger

Larsa Pippen was married to former Chicago Bulls basketball player Scottie Pippen and now that she's divorced from him, she wants everyone to know she isn't a "gold digger". She started off her whirlwind public relations tour by showing up on the red carpet at a movie premier alone, after about $100,000 worth of plastic surgery , while wearing a vinyl dress and a diamond encrusted choker made up of the word "QUEEN" all while dressed like she was a stripper in a low rent gentleman's club but you know what? I believe her.  Maybe she isn't a gold digger. Maybe she just likes all that stuff ironically who can say.

Walkin the Dog

This entire story was about a series of pictures of two nobodies walking a dog and the man picking up poop. That's it. That's the whoooole thing. Christine and Frank Lampard? I have no idea. I know the election in the US is over and there isn't a bunch of other things to talk about in England, so I guess a story about dog walking is not to be unexpected. I bet my neighbors Phil and Martha will be walking their dog later if the Daily Mail gets a special correspondent on a plane RIGHT NOW they can be here in time. 189 people congratulated that person for telling that guy he did a good job picking up poop.

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Melissa Gorga Does Stuff

I was going to write a gushing story about Melissa Gorga and her bikini until I saw the picture on the left later in the unlinked story and I figured I'd just leave these two in whatever garbage filled gutter they crawled out of.

Dua Lipa Has Legs

All this time I thought Dua Lipa was a brand of coffee or maybe yoga pants but nope, she's a person. You can bet I know who she is now though. For the time being anyway. She's an actress or maybe a singer. Please, I don't care that much.

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

James Corden Goes to a Basketball Game

James Corden was at a Lakers game with his son (who I cropped out of the picture because he's just a kid). Jesus.  Like proving Einstein's theory of an ever expanding universe, you can almost watch this guy get fatter.

Asshole Makes Fun of Injured Soldier

Pete Davidson, formerly known as Mr Ariana Grande, is in hot water for making fun of someone that's 10 times the man he'll ever be, and also lost an eye after an IED exploded in the war in Afghanistan. Any of which I would probably be mad about if I gave a shit about what Pete Davidson thought about anything but I guess everybody needs something to be mad about so here you go. And I wasn't going to bring it up, but since it's an issue now, what's with Pete's left eye? Just wondering.

Monday, November 5, 2018

Olivia and Danny Have Troubles

Olivia Culpo bought her boyfriend Danny a $12,000 Rolex for his birthday but he cheated on her so she's keeping it for herself despite the fact that it's a man's watch. She knows she can probably exchange that right? I assume that's her in the corner with the aforementioned "Danny", and yes, they look exactly like the kind of people that think Rolex is a classy watch ("Rolex the watch that comes with a bottle of Hennessy"). You know how you can tell? His way too tight ill fitting suit and her empty stare. I can only assume that's her hand in what I can only imagine is an Infinit QX80 or maybe a Range Rover. I've seen it 100 times before. I think she's a model but there was a wave of Olivia's in the early 2000s and they all look nearly identical so I mostly stopped keeping track.

Sunday, November 4, 2018

Speaking of Voting

YAWN. Chelsea Handler posted a "topless" photo of herself on Instagram to encourage people to vote. I wonder what she'd say if her encouragement lead people to vote the opposite way she wants them too. I have to be honest I'm not sure exactly what her taking her clothes off  has to do with the other but I guess it worked because here I am talking about her even though with each passing day she becomes more and more irrelevant until eventually she'll collapse in on herself like a dying star creating a very, very, very  tiny black hole. She's dense enough already so why not.

Friday, November 2, 2018

Election Day is Coming

Please don't take political advice from Olivia Munn. Although I'm sure she's very nice.

Channing Tatum and Jessie J Make Babies

I'm sorry to report to you ladies that celebrity mongoloid Channing Tatum is officially dating "songstress" Jesse J who I remember had a middling hit from some time in the early 2000s. I don't remember the name of the song or how it went but I remember hearing it. I'm pretty sure she isn't that "Call Me Maybe" woman but she might be, what am I the Library of Congress?  For all I know she's bigger than Led Zeppelin now I can't be sure, I don't listen to shitty music. Listen, he was single for a while but you didn't move fast enough. You really have to be on your toes when a guy like that is single. He's a man of action. You might think I'm being a little harsh but don't worry I'm pretty sure he can't read this. Anyway, I hope they get married and have lots of kids where they can enjoy eating paste and mud together as one big happy family.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Halsey is in a Bathroom

I'm pretty sure I already wrote about Halsey dressed up as Poison Something for Halloween, but I'm not looking. It's not my job to keep an eye on me. And anyway, she's smokin' hot and if there's one way to get my attention, it's be a hot woman.  I would have thought that someone as temporarily famous as her could find somewhere better to have her picture taken than the bathroom of a banquet hall but I don't know how all this celebrity stuff works so who knows.

Kate and Prince George Walk Around

The story I stole this picture from was mostly about Kate Middleton's clothes. I mean really, what else is there to talk about when it comes to these people. Nothing that's what. They don't actually do anything. So their clothes are pretty much it, along with stories of them greeting some foreign dignitary somewhere, whether or not they're having babies, how Prince William lost his oat bag... It did mention the blazer she's wearing cost $800. I don't think I have $800 worth of clothes in my whole house but good for her. I will say this. I think she's very attractive. I like her face, she looks like a JCPenney model. She's sexy, but not so sexy that you'd be afraid of her. And she probably looks good in affordable underwear. Having said all that I will also say I get a certain "vibe" from her. I know she's married with children but...hey not that there's anything wrong with that it's just something I've noticed. I'll let you guys know what I hear.