Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Elle Macpherson is the Bee's Knees

Elle Macpherson was on the beach in Sydney, Australia in a sexy swimsuit on Saturday. 53 year old Elle Macpherson. She could be your grandmother. So yes I'd have sex with your nana. I just won't look at her knees. What do you say Elle?

Site News

If you asked me an hour ago did I have stories ready to go for today I would have said "you bet I do!" and then I looked and much to my surprise I didn't because I guess I forgot. Maybe I'll get to it in a couple of hours. Maybe I won't. What are you the Story Police?

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Naomi Campbell Can Kiss my Blarney Stone

Naomi Campbell dressed like this and posted it on her Instagram for St. Patrick's Day.  I really don't know what this has to do with St. Patrick's Day but I guess the whole "slutty whatever" Halloween attitude is taking over everything. Anyway it doesn't matter because I definitely approve. And no I'm not sure why I'm writing about St. Patrick's Day three days after it's over either. I'll tell you what, if you don't like it,  I'll send you the password to this site and you can try writing this crap every day.

Rita Ora Rejected by the Sea

British nobody, Rita Ora washed up onto some rocks off the coast of Britain. Maybe she was on a ship to the "Island of Fame" when it was torpedoed by reality and it threw her overboard. Oh well, better luck next time. Later one of those guys with a nail on a stick picked her up and put her in a garbage bag that he was carrying over his shoulder.

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Saturday with Lea Michele

Lea Michele shared a throwback photo on her Instagram. I'm not sure when it was a throwback too, probably 2011 or something when anyone knew who Lea Michele was. She was on "Glee" and I remember when everyone was talking about that show, for whatever reason they talked about it which I never understood, but even that was almost seven years ago. If I hadn't seen this story on a terrible website I wouldn't even remember she was a person. I hope she saved some of the money she was paid from that show.

Friday, March 16, 2018

Orlando Bloom has a Hat

Orlando Bloom landed in LAX wearing a nifty hat/vest combo after flying in from the Czech Republic where he was filming a TV show called "Where Former Stars Go to Die". I'm kidding it's called "Carnival Row". It's probably all dash cam footage of him running over Gypsies or maybe hunting vampires or whatever the Hell it is they do over there. I get the feeling I could get on TV in the Czech Republic. Hell, for all I know I'm on TV there as I'm typing this right now. I'm sorry, the Czechs ruined Tom and Jerry for a period in the early 70's and I never forgave them for it. They were commies you know, so maybe they turned him into a hypnotized spy. I'm on to you Agent Orlandobot Number 6, you're not fooling anybody.

Lorraine Takes a Walk in the Park

This is Mel B's former nanny Lorraine Gilles and she just filed for divorce from her husband. Lorraine was accused of having a relationship with Mel B's husband - whatever his name is - and I guess that's why people know her name. Sort of know her name anyway. A girlfriend once told me that girls that wear heels with jeans are whores. Why? I have no idea why that would be the case but Lorraine is a girl wearing jeans with high heels and she had an affair with someone else's husband and she's filing for a divorce from her current husband because of infidelity and she's due in court soon so maybe we'll finally get some answers to the high heel/jeans mystery.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Emma Watson is Brilliant

A couple of days ago, or maybe last week or the week before, I don't remember, Emma Watson showed off her new tattoo "Times Up" that she got to show Support for the Times Up Movement and people on the internet had a thrombosis because there was no apostrophe and people on the internet are a bunch of goddamn morons.

 The Internet Moron Herd was right in the fact that at least two people were dumb enough to allow this to happen. And it's not like a typo this take's time. I may have described getting a tattoo before but I'll do it again.

1. Have a tattoo design you like
2. The artist draws the design
3. It's Xeroxed (copied) onto this tracing/transfer paper which is then...
4. ...Placed in the position where you want the tattoo then water is applied and sort of like a decal, it shows where the outline of the tattoo would be
5. The artist then tells you too look in the mirror and see if you like how/where it is/looks
6. If not it's wiped off and you can make adjustments
7. The tattoo can then be applied.

I've had this done 15 times so I sort of know what I'm talking about . So at least two people went through an at least six step possibly hours long process. Ultimately it's Emma's responsibility. But if Emma Watson approved of the tattoo that's it. It's ALL her fault. Maybe she didn't want an apostrophe. Maybe that's what she thought looked best. The tattoo artist doesn't give a shit about your spelling. At least she's lucky it can be fixed easy enough and she can please you pack of cackling hyenas.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Stand With Her/Us/Them/Everyone

School students in the Middle East are walking out of their schools to show support for the American students saying they can't understand America's violence problem. Unfortunately they were blown to bits by a Palestinian nail bomb* but thanks for voicing your opinion.

*may not have actually happened

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

FKA Twigs is the Future

"Singer" (my guess would be rap) FKA Twigs was spotted with a mystery man. I know who he is. He's her bodyguard and she's a princess from a post-apocalyptic future and holds the secret to the cure for the disease that is ravaging mankind. Why else would she be wearing that outfit and those boots? Alright you caught me, so maybe I watched the 1989 classic "Cyborg" with Jean-Claude Van Damme the other night and I may be bleeding these two events into each other. Okay I didn't exactly "watch" it but the parts I did see were infinitely more interesting than these two talent-less dim bulbs. 

Mr T Rules

Remember when Mr T was a Midget Tossing World Champion?

Tyra Banks is a Host

Tyra Banks took her forehead to the red carpet premier for her show "America's Next Top Model" "America's Got Talent"(?) Either way I didn't even realize either thing was still on television. Maybe your talent is just being a really good friend. See if that's a winning talent on her dumb ass show.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Stephen Colbert Investigates

Stephen Colbert can't wait to talk about Donald Trump's penis. Why? I don't know maybe Vanity Fair will ask him.

Friday, March 9, 2018

Adrien Brody is a Stud

Remember Adrien Brody? Boy I sure do. He's 44 years old and has a 24 year old girlfriend named Lara Lieto. I'm not sure why any of this is news, but I guess I'd tell everyone if my girlfriend was 24 years old too. "Hey this is my girlfriend. Isn't she cute? No she didn't hit her head, she's just 24 years old". Well, there's your Adrien Brody update for today. In summary, yes he's still alive so do with that information what you will.

Thursday, March 8, 2018

Shakira is Musical

Shakira walked around an airport with a guitar strapped to her back. Maybe she was just reliving her Colombian roots. Unfortunately they wouldn't allow her mule through security. I was going to go through this whole deal where I used her 40 inch guitar as a frame of reference to dispel the myth that she's 5'2 but I quickly lost interest once I realized how much work that was going to be versus how much I actually gave a shit. You're certainly free to carry on with my work, who knows maybe you'll even get a prize.

Rosie O'Donnell Isn't Insane

Oh if it were only this easy....

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Black Chyna OH MY GOD

Good God this is disgusting. Seriously, it's repulsive. After I saw this I ran to one of those eye wash stations like you see in a factory where people work around caustic liquids. Why did I even post this here. If you find this physically appealing, you have serious behavioral disorders that need to be addressed immediately. You know why I posted this? It's like seeing an accident. Only this is a particularly bad one with flames, and smoke and heads in the street, and people sticking out of windshields. It's almost too terrible to believe. You know what makes this even worse? She apparently has a sex tape floating around somewhere. Alright that's enough I'm outta here

Jennifer Lawrence is Deep

The many faces of Jennifer Lawrence

Monday, March 5, 2018

Rachel Shenton is Nice

I discovered Rachel Shenton at last night's Academy Awards. That's right me. I discovered her. Isn't she cute? It was cool the way she gave her speech while also signing for her deaf friend. I like her because she has a nice smile and also she looks like the type of girl that would do way to many shots of Jack Daniels ("The Idiots Choice") in an old neighborhood bar with you. Believe me, you can trust me on this. I've known 100 girls like that. I can tell just by looking at them. You have to be careful though or you wind up cleaning vomit out of your bedroom carpet at 2 AM Right, Tanya?

Jennifer Lawrence Nude

Oscar winners, along with the standard statuette, also received this life sized wax figure of Jennifer Lawrence. The weird thing is, it's more realistic, smarter, and has more personality than the real Jennifer Lawrence.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Sarah Silverman is a Woman

Sarah Silverman reportedly wore just a bra under her sport coat at the Independent Spirit Awards. It's a better attention getting option than her attempting to be funny I guess. When in doubt just show your boobs. Ask Chelsea Handler or Amy Schumer. You see those two linked stories? They're almost exactly two years apart and that's why I don't like stand up comics. Every new comic - man or woman -  thinks they're edgy and original but they aren't. They all share basically the same brain and think they're the first ones to do anything. Oh sure they may be the "conscience of a generation" but each generation is dumber than the last so that ain't saying very much. George Carlin's 1972 "seven words" bit is just basically the same crap that got Lenny Bruce arrested a decade earlier. Who did it before them? Steve Allen? Probably. Will someone do something like it again? Almost certainly. 

 It's really just reworked and reheated. Oh sure it sounds different but you've heard it all before. Or at least you have if you weren't born in the last 18 years. You have to remember that in the late 80's guys like Andrew Dice Clay sold out stadiums. Not clubs, or theaters but stadiums. I remember Andrew Dice Clay selling out two shows at what is now the Allstate Arena. A place where people like Beyonce, AC/DC or Guns 'N Roses regularly perform. And that was just in Illinois. So what some people think is funny, might be something you don't find even chuckle worthy. I have nothing against comics personally, I know some stand up comics and they're very nice people. But I'm not looking to them to "stand up to the man". Something someone like Sarah and her friends do regularly. It doesn't carry any weight with me.

 And so now every time some kid wakes up and discovers Bill Hicks I have to hear about it despite the fact that he's been dead for two decades (full disclosure I saw Bill Hicks live and was a huge fan and I happened to be at this very show). I used to laugh until my sides ached at just about anything Bill Hicks said. Then a few years back I watched some videos of him on You Tube and I sat there stone faced like one of those big heads on Easter Island. And really the jokes could be told in a club tomorrow and still be pretty relevant. So I don't know, maybe I'm just getting older. Or maybe comics just aren't really very funny anymore. And I don't think being a man or a woman comes into play at all. You're either funny, or you're not. Sex, color or religion have zero to do with it. On the other hand at least unoriginal female comics have boobs. Can't be funny? Whip 'em out. It's a good fall back position. Anyway, enjoy Sarah Silverman's boobs I guess. They're definitely better than her "comedy".

Saturday, March 3, 2018

Cher Visits Australia

Cher visited Sydney Australia's 40th anniversary of that city's Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras. I didn't know there was a separate gay and lesbian Mardi Gras I thought it was all one thing. At least now we know whatever happened to Baby Jane.

Tattoo Genius

She isn't really famous although she sort of is now because this genius got FUCK TRUMP tattooed on the inside of her lower lip.  Her Twitter bio says she's graduating from "U of A in 2022". I assume that means University of Arizona and from what I've always heard about University of Arizona students, this will probably be far and away the least embarrassing thing she does over the next four or five years

P.S. In case you're wondering tattoos on the inner lip seldom last very long so lucky for her this is far from permanent. But believe me I'm sure she already knows that because if she really meant this, she would have had it tattooed somewhere else.

Breaking Jennifer Lawrence News

Jennifer Lawrence is changing her name to Synthetic Robot Face. Well, she should anyway. I'm sure she's very nice though.

Friday, March 2, 2018

Jessica Rae was Born in the USA

Bruce Springsteen's daughter Jessica Rae is the only thing he ever made that I actually like. The only thing worse than Bruce Springsteen are people that like Bruce Springsteen.

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Ireland Baldwin Naked

Ireland Baldwin posed naked for peta in one of their go naked advertisements saying she'd rather go naked than wear fur. Frankly I haven't really thought much about peta over the last 10 years or so, there seem to be a lot more serious problems in the world than whatever the loony hypocrites over at peta are screaming about this time. Leather jackets and pants and shoes are fine I guess, just no fur. To be fair it's entirely possible that Ireland Baldwin doesn't even know that leather comes from an animal. 

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Selena Gomez Lives it Up.

Selena Gomez went to a birthday party on Saturday. It wasn't mentioned who the party was for but I imagine it was Mr. Bear's birthday and Selena Gomez got together with her friends to dress like princesses and have a tea party with their dollies and Megan's dad.  Until, that is, MacKenzy's dumb little brother threw worms onto Mr. Elephant and ruin the whole thing so we had to go outside and play jump rope. Boys are so stupid.

Britney Spears Smells Good

Britney Spears' perfume won "Fragrance of the Year" on Saturday at the place where this sort of thing happens. I don't really care about this I just needed an excuse to use that picture so here you go.

Monday, February 26, 2018

Prince Still Dead

Princefest is taking place April 19-22 in Minneapolis. Tickets are $529. I wouldn't have paid $5.29 to see Prince when he was alive but good luck with your little fest.

!!!!UPDATE!!!! Tickets seem to be a lot cheaper than what was originally reported. That doesn't really change anything though.

Kevin Smith is Alive

Director Kevin Smith suffered a massive, near fatal heart attack over the weekend. I can't imagine what could have caused that. It is normal for a 47 year old guy to die of a grabber after all. Happens all the time.

Friday, February 23, 2018

Elsa Hosk is Hungry for Fame

Victoria's Secret model Elsa Hosk showed off her skeleton on Instagram. I almost didn't write about this because I thought it might be a little too spooky but if you think about it I'm pretty manly so I did.

Teresa Giudice and Her Monkeys on Parade

Teresa Giudice and her grease ball husband Joe (of course) were on a reality television show called Real Housewives of New Jersey and were both convicted of fraud involving loans, and mortgages, and various other criminal acts that I don't care about. They were both sent to prison although Teresa has since been released because she's less guilty? No of course not it's because she's a woman. Anyway their prison stay was rewarding and let's say so far at least Teresa is thrilled with the results!
 “I saw him last Saturday. He was 245 when he went in, and now he weighs 185,” the 45-year-old reality personality revealed. “He looks so hot and I just can’t wait for him to come home. I’m really ready for him to come home.”
She's also thrilled with her own year long stay behind bars because she managed to lose 10 pounds. Jesus. This is what these two idiots are taking away from all of this. I guess it's not really their fault they are after all, Italians from New Jersey. Asking these two dullards to learn anything would be like shaving a gorilla and dropping him off at a Buddhist temple, expecting him to come back enlightened.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Kendra Wilkinson Denies Things

Kendra Wilkinson went on her Instagram to deny she's having fake problems for a probably mostly scripted, and fake "reality" show. Didn't she catch her husband having an affair with a transexual prostitute or model or something? I'd imagine that would cause some marital issues but it's 2018 now so what do I know. I would think someone that was 20 years old and living with and having sex with a dude in his 70's and his four or five other girlfriends and wives would be a little more laid back about somebody doing something freaky but I've been wrong before so who can really say.

Nick Viall is a Go Getter

Nick Viall did something to someone named Vanessa Grimaldi, but unless he shot her to the Moon in a homemade rocket there is no way possible I would care about anything that happened between these two "people". I included a link if you're really interested because I sure as Hell am not interested or however you'd say that.  I stole that picture off of his Instagram (which I'm not linking) and as usual I used a screen shot of someone that has me blocked for some reason on Twitter to cover up the comments left by the dimwits that follow these imbeciles. Jesus I really have to find a new hobby.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Holy Crap it's Ashley Greene

Ashley Greene was in Twilight? The movies? I mean, holy shit why didn't somebody tell me. She looks like a runaway from the movie Foxes or something. A movie that was pivotal during my "development stage" But seriously have you ever really seen her? Because I sure haven't. I may have even written about her before but who can know for sure. I'm an untamed rebel and do what I want. Sort of like Ashley. Besides, I'd think I'd remember that but who knows.  Okay let's all settle down, I need to get it together. Sorry ladies I don't want to break your hearts but if it's okay with my mom, Ashley and me are getting married.

Brad Pitt is the Cock of the Walk

Brad Pitt dressed up like a rooster to visit sick kids. I'm kidding this is from some awards ceremony last month. Hey, I think Brad Pitt is cool it's not my fault he's starting to look like a chicken.

Friday, February 16, 2018


Jennifer Aniston separated from some guy she was married too Why? Who knows and who cares as long as that nerd is out of the picture
They gave no reason for the split and said they intended to continue their "cherished friendship".
That's a good enough reason for me. Now we know why she went out dressed like your mom going to a Cinderella reunion concert by herself. Listen Jen all kidding aside you know where to reach me, I'm here.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Blake Lively is Toasty

Blake Lively showed of her 61 pound weight loss by going out wearing what essentially is just a big sweater. I'm not even sure exactly what it is Blake Lively does so I guess this is as good a reason as any to talk about her.

Lara Flynn Boyle Has a Hobby

Lara Flynn Boyle was spotted at the grocery store near her home in Westwood California at noon yesterday. C'mon Lara, Johnny Walker? At noon? Everyone knows that's an evening drink.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Jennifer Aniston is Hell Bent for Leather

Jennifer Aniston went out with some friends to celebrate her 49th birthday in skin tight leather pants. That's it. This is the whole story. Where's her "husband"? Who knows, and who cares, fuck that guy. If Jen wants to go out alone dressed like she's going to a "Def Leppard and the Rockers of the 80's" concert all by herself believe me that's cool with me.

Friday, February 9, 2018

Gretchen Rossi Plays With Balls

Real Housewives of Something Something's Gretchen Rossi has decided to go with IVF treatments at the age of 39 (so basically 40) instead of not having babies the way nature intended. Why? Beats me I don't give a shit what this woman does one way or the other. I mostly couldn't bear the thought of leaving that greased up dude as the first thing anyone new to this site might see. Plus she's pretty hot and that's all the reason I need. If you need help with fertilization I'm here for you. This stuff I've been using on my lawn in the spring is pretty good. Wait, that's what we're talking about, right?

More Olympics Sexiness for the Ladies

 Pita Taufatofua is the Tongan flag bearer from the country of Tonga.
 The hunky native of the Polynesian kingdom will be making his debut as a cross-country skier this time around — but before he hits the slopes he once again represented his country by covering his abs with coconut oil and carrying his flag proudly in PyeongChang. (Side note: coconut oil can also help with chapped lips and dry skin during the winter months, so Pita was just thinking ahead).
Oiled up shirtless dudes walking around during the Olympics which features male ice skating, and guys wrestling sounds about right to me. 

Shani Davis is a Loser

American speed skater Shani Davis is upset he lost a coin toss because essentially coins are racist now. That's basically what, what he said boils down too. I hope you're happy in 2018 where even inanimate objects don't like black people and probably voted for Trump.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Halsey is Okay

Halsey was at the amfAR Gala on Wednesday and who the Hell knows what that is but apparently the way she looks is inverted proportionally to how truly awful her music is. And I have to tell you she is shockingly attractive to me I really had no idea.  Have you ever heard her music? Here give it a try. God. It's like someone scratching their finger nails on a chalk board. And why no one calls her a racist when she had to actually spend months and years practicing so she could talk like that I have no idea. She's from New Jersey, not Harlem, or Watts. She may as well have painted her face black if you ask me, but you people seemed determined to buy that garbage and support this type of act no matter what so what do I care it's your money, if you want to blow it on these flash in the pans who am I to stop you.

Jennifer Aniston has Class

Jennifer Aniston showed off her house in Architectural Digest and holy crap that place is nice. It's like a damn museum. It was at this moment that I knew she was way, WAY out of my league. And I thought she was out of my league before.  Like I'm on Earth and she's in a different galaxy. Hell, I'm sitting on two old tires as I write this. I'd be afraid to even walk through the door of that place. Oh well. maybe she'll invite me over some day anyway. You know, to sweep her driveway or take out the garbage or whatever.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Paige Spiranac is a Pro

Paige Spiranac is a professional golfer and the first woman announced for the 2018 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Editon edition or whatever it's called. I'd say this makes me want to take up golf but it really doesn't. I've actually golfed in the past and it's very expensive and very, very time consuming. You really have to be rich and retired to fully enjoy it and I'm neither one of those things. I'd also say this makes me want to run out and buy Sports Illustrated magazine but it won't because I wouldn't even know where to buy a Sports Illustrated magazine and I can look at the pictures right here for free so their marketing department may want to start rethinking this whole thing.

Britney Spears is Cloudy

Here's your weekly Britney Spears Instagram update. I'm not sure why it's cloudy and sparkly like that. Probably because I assume that's heaven. There was a picture of her and her boyfriend but he was wearing shoes without socks and I'm not putting up with that bullshit. Besides, he's a jerk isn't he?

Debbie Harry is Your Leader

Debbie Harry of Blondie fame took a break from being Empress D, Mighty Warlord of the Planet Nooroh to visit New York city to attend the Women's Day Red Dress Awards because if there's one thing this country needs it's another awards show. KNEEL BEFORE EMPRESS D

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Izabel Goulart Likes 'em Greasy

I just learned that Izabel Goluart exists so I rushed to my computer to tell you guys about it. Even though I skimmed it for 10 or 20 seconds I didn't see any thing in the the original story about where she was going or why but you know what? I don't really care all that much. She was with her "boyfriend" though (no known images). Just imagine a guy that drives a car that looks like this and you'll be pretty much right on the money. Give me a call me Izabel, that guy's a dork.