Drea de Matteo Gets Rich

Drea de Matteo started an OnlyFans account and basically won the lottery.She had $10 in her bank account and got desperate. It's just like a hit movie. Of course internet teenagers have a problem with all of this so she talked about that part of it

Anybody that wants to condemn me and put me down, go for it. I just hope you never find yourself in the position I was in to take care of two little kids.

'It saved my home of many years that was very important to us. And beyond all that, it has given me enough money to start up and finance ULTRAFREE.'

I don't know what Ultrafree is so if you want to know click here I'm sure somebody that cares will explain it to you. 

I don't get the objections to women that start OnlyFans accounts, and at first I thought there was something wrong with me because of that. But after some careful thought I decided no, I'm not the one with the problem, you are. If you don't like it don't sign up to look at her pictures or whatever she posts there. That seems pretty simple to me. And not everyone cares what you think about everything so pipe down junior if you don't want to watch an attractive Italian girl take off her clothes I'd suggest the problem is you.

Richard Lewis Died

 Richard Lewis died. Yesterday, I think. I thought he died eight years ago but that was Garry Shandling. On the plus side he can stop worrying about dying now

Chloe Meadows Wants Marriage (to me)

 Chloe Meadows is some reality star in Britain, which I will never not be amazed that reality television shows are still such big business in the UK. Whatever, mush brain, if that's what you want to watch go for it. Anyway, I think the show is called "Who Will Bob Marry Next". In case you're wondering, it's her. They say she's 32 years old and I used to tell girls my name was Ritchie Blackmore. 

I'm not linking the source story because that would be like sleeping with a garbage can next to you in bed, plus there were pictures of the guys that were also on this show and I'm not having those standard issue "bros" stinking up the place. There's only one rooster in this hen house and that's me baby.

Amanda Holden is Boring

I haven't written about Amanda Holden in a while. mostly because she's super boring, and nobody outside of Britain except for me knows who she is. It was her 53rd birthday so to celebrate she went to the beach and walked in ankle deep water so she wouldn't get wet and mess up her hair and make up. She looks good in red. I guess. I can't figure out anything else to say about her. 

I think single women - and men - are about to find out that normal people don't want to hang around with people that do nothing but post pictures of themselves on the internet

Kylie Jenner Beep Boop

Kylie Jenner still looks like what people in 1983 thought a robot faced, latex sex doll would look like. I'll bet the sex doll has a better personality. I haven't been here for like a week and this is what I come back too. 

See, this is why I haven't been here for a week. It's all Jennifer Lopez, Saweetie and a somewhat lifelike latex sex doll. You people really are pathetic.

Saweetie Sees Red

 Saweeite (or whatever the fuck her name is) put on her best red dress, her spider eyelashes and her MS-13 hair and went out to dinner. They didn't say where she went but I'll bet she didn't leave anybody a tip.

Sami Sheen is Extreme (ly average)

 Good news everybody! Charlie Sheen's daughter Sami just turned 19 and decided to begin her big journey to fame. I'll link her Instagram account here in case you want to know what a girl that went to senior prom last year thinks about stuff. I don't know who she paid to get the original source story written about her but I bet it's expensive

If you don't feel like clicking that link I already took the bullet for you and scrolled her entire 50 post account. It's 100% pictures of her. No hobbies, no cool trees or dogs, just her. She doesn't work on cars, ride motorcycles, go on treasure hunts.. nothing she just takes pictures of herself. And she seems extremely average. I think I saw one picture of her with one friend. But she's 19 so with an average lifespan of around 80 years I guess we're going to be seeing her by herself on various beaches for the next 60 years so that's good news.

Travis Speaks Out

 Oh good! I was just wondering what someone with an IQ of 58 thought about this stuff

Nobody Cares About Jessica Simpson

 Jessica Simpson put on a sparkly dress and went on a date with her husband (name unknown) and I really have to find a new hobby because this is pathetic. Who the fuck could possibly care about this, I just do not get it at all

Amy Schumer Swells with Pride

 Amy Schumer talked about her swollen face...

"Yeah I'm kind of fat what do you expect"

No she didn't really say that. No one cares about Amy Schumer's face. Maybe in the whole wide world let's say 100,000 people actually give a shit about Amy Schumer's face, and I'm being extremely generous. Out of EIGHT BILLION people alive, MAYBE in all seriousness a couple hundred thousand even really remember who Amy Schumer is. Thirty years ago none of us would even know this was taking place but thanks to the internet and social media etc you people who normally don't have lives, hobbies, or a connection to the outside world, suddenly have a way to let your voice be heard. And they use it to talk about Amy Schumer.

But of course Amy made this about the fact that she's a woman, instead of a person with a balloon face. Anyway, I'm sick of writing about this already there's a link up there if you give a shit about Amy Schumer's face and if you do I suggest you go outside and take a walk. Look at some squirrels, pet a dog, life is short

Rolling Stone Magazine Sucks

 "We'd honestly be surprised if they could name a movie she's done since Twilight"? Yeah, I'd be pretty surprised if anyone could but it's Rolling Stone, one of the most out of touch publications on Earth, so it figures they don't know anything. 

Remember when Rolling Stone lied about someone being raped and they had to delete the whole story and got sued? 

Remember when Rolling Stone lied about hospitals being overwhelmed by people taking Ivermectin? 

So okay grandpa, if you're still going to Rolling Stone for news and opinion about anything you need to put down your bong, take off your headband and have your brain examined.

Travis Kelce a Real Bros Bro

  

 

People are upset Travis Kelce got drunk at a Super Bowl thing? C'mon man, that guy is the bro-iest bro alive, you can tell just by looking at him. He probably thinks "The Hangover" is a documentary. But give me a break the guy just won the Super Bow, and his girlfriend is Taylor Swift, either one of those two events alone would kill most of you. But not a guy like Travis. Or me. So if a guy wants to chug 20 beers and go have sex with his attractive girlfriend just let us

Taylor Swift's Time Machine Blues

 

Travis Kelce blah, Taylor Swift blah blah, Machine Gun Kelly, blah diddy blahh blah, Super Bowl yada yada, Megan Fox zippadeedoodah... 

Winning the Super Bowl gave Taylor Swift magical powers (yes I'm aware Taylor Swift didn't win the Super Bowl) as evidenced by the fact that they went back to the 1990s to have a party. I can only assume that's Jamiroquai playing in the background. 

I really wrote this mostly to point out that Megan Fox still does that kissy face/duck lips thing when she takes pictures like it's 2007.  Maybe Taylor took her back to 2007 with her Super Bowl Time Machine. Such a magical time

Dex Lauper is an Asshole

Trust fund baby and son of 1980's entertainer, and spokesperson for psoriasis medication Cyndi Lauper, wants to be a rapper so bad he decided to shoot somebody because that's what rappers do. Or maybe he caught a gun charge? I'm not sure what happened and they need to put this stupid asshole in prison for life just for his hair. 

DECLYN Lauper decided it would be more fun to spend his life in prison instead of just being a rich kid driving around in Ferraris and having perfect teeth and partying in Aspen or whatever rich kids do. What a stupid asshole. I've never hated somebody so much, so fast before. Congratulations Declyn you helped me set a new personal record

Sydney Sweeney is Hip

 Sydney Sweeney took her boobs to the red carpet premier of Madame Web which even Sydney Sweeney's boobs will never make me see. You know what's weird? Sydney Sweeney looks really cool. Let me see if I can explain. 

She looks like a hot bartender or waitress that's actually really cool and smart and wordly well beyond her years and sort of mean all at the same time. It's hard to explain. Guys reading this will know exactly what I'm talking about, even if I can't describe it well. Like, if she stopped being famous tomorrow she wouldn't really care. Does any of that make sense? Anyway that's just my interpretation. Maybe me and Sydney can get together and discuss it over a game of pool or maybe darts or something and we can go back to my place and hang out in the garage.

Nicky Hilton Telefons

 It's Fashion Week. Again.  It feels like this just happened. But hey Nicky Hilton was there. I have no idea who could possibly give a fuck where this woman goes, but some of the news outlets were talking about it so I figured I may as well too since there isn't a whole lot of anything else going on.

I tried to find a picture of her where she didn't look like somebody hypnotized her and maybe installed a trigger word so all they have to do is call her cellphone and say it when she answers...

Nicky's Celphone: ring ring

Nicky: Hullo (I'm sure she says "Hullo" instead of Hello)

Caller: Sunny Timbuktu

Nicky hanging up: I must assassinate the Prime Minister

And there you have it. Way more exciting than Fashion Week isn't it. I'll try to avoid writing about this but it seems to go on way longer than a week, and I guess lots of people want to know what Irina Shayaka or whatever the fuck her name is is up to

Site Update

 I forgot to write something for today. Maybe I will later, or maybe tomorrow, I'm a man of mystery

Bobbi Althoff gets Unmarried

 "Influencer" Bobbi Althoff is getting a divorce.

TMZ reported Wednesday that Cory filed for divorce, citing 'irreconcilable differences' as the reason for ending their four-year marriage.

You might think it's weird that I'm writing about her but unlike you I actually know who she is. She does sort of deadpan interviews with people and it's kind of entertaining the first four or five times you see 90 second clips of the videos, and then it gets old pretty fast plus you soon realize that she's interviewing people, that anyone over the age of 30 will never see again after the interview is over. So it can be difficult for people with a functional mind to get some of the humor unless you're SUPER online. Kind of like me. 

Her husband was a sort of standard issue shithead so I can't say I really blame her for ex-ing him out of her life.

Anyway, she'll be divorced soon, so if you like Instagram-famous 20 something upper-middle class white girls that date rappers to get back at her parents, you're in luck. Rappers don't seem to live very long so if you catch her at the right time it could be fireworks.

Lizzy Cundy is in Crisis

Here's another desperate British female reality star and former "WAG" (whatever that is) Lizzy Cundy dressed up like a high class prostitute while she was out shopping. She's 55 years old so I can only assume this is the female version of buying a black Corvette with a giant wing on the back

 I'm not saying it doesn't work for me, I'm just saying it seems ridiculous to go to the store to buy bottled water and a bag of "crisps" dressed in clothes that are meant to be ripped off of you after a drunken tea party or whatever they do over there. And don't even get me started on the shoes.

Carmen Electra is Hot Again

Oh my God that's Carmen Electra?? Okay wait she's 51, I thought she was older than that. She's been "famous" for so long I forgot how old she was, but still. Man she still looks the same as she did 20 years ago. Which is fucking hot. She was at some Grammys watch party which I guess is where formerly famous people get herded into a giant room to watch people half their age win trophies for music they'll never hear. At least that's what it sounds like to me. It seems like that would be pretty humiliating to me but I guess celebrity fame chasers live in a different world where shame, pride and self-esteem don't exist. 

Kathy Griffin is the Bee's Knees

 Kathy Griffin dressed up like a lesbian bird watcher to go for a walk, and maybe watch some birds. I meant to write about this three days ago and I've long since forgotten what she was actually doing and that was probably going to tend to her bee hives and not watching birds but I could be wrong about that too

Heidi Klum is Back

 

 

I haven't written about Heidi Klum in a while, not for any real reason I guess I just haven't. And then she went to a Grammy party? When are the Grammys and why does it involve Heidi Klum? There is almost never ever any context to this stuff, it's always just like... "Here's Olivia Newton Johns socialite daughter outside the traumatic brain surgery ward wearing all red!" but they never say why she's there. 

I think Heidi's husband is in a band so maybe that's the reason, but I don't think it's a band you'd actually go see. What I mean is, I think it's a bunch of guys in their late 30s that probably play at places called "Shooters" where they set up in between the pool tables and play "Sweet Child O' Mine" during commercials of whatever sport happens to be on TV at the time. At least I assume that's why she's involved with all of this.