Thursday, December 31, 2015

Hilary Clinton Shot, Skinned a Couch


Hilary Clinton and The Fonz were out walking Sunday to show off Hilary’s new coat. Can a person that would wear that in public be trusted with their finger on the button? I wouldn’t think so but I don’t get to make that decision. That’s up to our mighty lizard overlords.

Eliza Dushku has a Birthday

Eliza Dushku turns 35 today. Or maybe it was yesterday. I'm not really sure it's one of those days. Anyway, I recognize her name but I don't think I've ever seen any of her movies or television shows, and for all I know she's just a hot waitress somewhere that some anonymous content provider was trying to impress. If you asked me who it was I would have thought Eliza Dushku was a cartoon elephant that taught children lessons about tolerance, and the environment.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Star Wars is Coming

Star Wars The Force Awakens opens soon! So go see it and then shut the fuck up about it would you? Jesus Fucking Christ.

Monday, December 14, 2015

Cindy Crawford Goes Bowling

Cindy Crawford put on her best Caitlyn Jenner disguise and took her kids bowling for charity. Maybe it was a charity that hands out costumes of transgendered heroes to underprivileged kids how should I know what am I a private investigator?

Jennifer Lawrence is Still Spooky

Jennifer Lawrence was at the premier for her new movie "Joy" dressed all in white to once again prove my theory that she's really just a ghost from the 1920's that shows up at these theaters because she misses Hollywood. She was asked about her recent Golden Globe nomination and replied...
 Errol Flynn killed me in a drunken fit of rage. I must go.
Well there's another ancient Hollywood mystery finally solved. I bet they call her the Golden Girl because she walks through walls and steals everybody's gold like some medieval specter. If you want to keep her away you have to hang a ring of cheeseburgers around your doorway.

Will Ferrell is at the Movies

Will Ferrell and his family joined Mark Wahlberg and his costars at the premier of their newest flop "Daddy's Home".  If he wants to turn things around maybe he should change his name from Will Farrell to something sexier like Boxoffice Poison. It sounds kinda like a stripper! Well anyway, at least those 10 or 15 people will see it. I love how it was hosted by Ford because only morons still think Will Ferrell is funny or buy anything made by Ford.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Gwen Stefani is Weird

Gwen Stefani posted this picture on Instagram along with the hashtag #goodmorning to try and convince us that she looks like this immediately after waking up. I don't know who wears a baseball hat and glasses to bed but I guess I wear welding goggles and a surgical mask in the shower so hey to each their own. I bet Blake Shelton's hat smells like night crawlers and WD-40 and if you have a problem with your car I bet the first thing he asks you is "did you check the fuses?"

Nick Cannon is Not Having Sex

Nick Cannon was on the Ellen DeGenerres or however you spell it show for reasons I don't really understand and she wanted to know about his sex life, again for reasons I really don't quite understand.
When Ellen asked him about booty calls, things got a bit awkward. "No!" he replied. "I'm being celibate, I'm trying to work on myself. No sex right now."
For some reason Nick Cannon saying he's celibate sounds like a threat more than anything. Maybe it's the hat. By the way, I have a crisp $100 bill I'll give you if his car doesn't have TV's in the headrests. And Ellen Dengeous using phrases like "booty call" is embarrassing. It sounds like my grandma is trying to be hip or maybe a WASPy guy down at the country club talking to one of the waitstaff..."Hey that's groovy man, what are you doing this weekend are you going to smoke some "doobie joints? That would be far out wouldn't it?"  Take it easy Ellen it's already your show you don't have to be "cool" anymore.

Tyra Banks Wants to Probe You

Don't tell me they don't walk among us. Here's Tyra Banks in an old Instagram post without her outer skin I guess all those alien abduction stories really are true after all. Klaatu barada nikto Tyra I'll take you to my leader just settle down.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Tia Mowry Eats A Lot

Tia Mowry IS NOT pregnant, she's just fat. She thought everybody should know that for some reason.

Elsa Pataky is Modeling

This is Liam Hemsworth's wife Elsa Pataky. Or maybe it's Chris Hemsworth? I'm not really sure I didn't even know there was two of them until about five minutes ago. I hope she can tell the difference or Christmas would be really weird. Whatever the case may be I just wanted you to know she has three kids and will be turning 40 in about six months, you know in case you wanted a feel good story to make this Wednesday a little better

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Barbie Got Back

Big news on the Barbie front! And just in time for Christmas too isn't that amazing? Mattel Toys plans on honoring some "Sheroes" so each person has a Barbie Doll made in their likeness and all proceeds will be donated to charity. Get it? They're women so they're she's, but also heroes! Put the two words together and you get sheroes! HAHA That's great! It's weird how there wasn't already a word for hero that applied only to women. Oh I don't know something like heroine maybe. Is that a word? But I guess you don't want to be selling little kids heroine. Anyway Ava DuVernay is getting one, and it's big big news and why wouldn't she? I mean she worked promotional services on Shrek the Third, and Madagascar 2: Escape to Africa. Still no word on why somebody like OSS member, trained assassin and World War II spy Julia Child won't be getting one but I'm sure there's a good reason.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Ronnie Wood's Still Got It

68 year old Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood somehow managed to get his pretty hot 37 year old wife pregnant. Don't ask me how because it's too awful to think about and I'm done writing about this.

Rumer Willis is Eggcelent

Rumer Willis wore a sexy outfit to some after party in Miami to try to distract you from her head. It was a nice try but it won't work. Next time try a big hat or maybe a welder's mask.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Demi Moore is King of the Road

Demi Moore obviously took her divorce from Ashton Kutcher pretty hard since she's a hobo now. I like to imagine that her little roller bag is full of cans of baked beans and half smoked cigars. I prefer carrying a bag on a stick myself but I can see where a bag with wheels would make life on the road a lot easier. If she's smart she has a straight razor hidden somewhere in her hat.

Don't Get Dirty Gwyneth

Gwyneth Paltrow was at the opening of her new Goop store in New York and for some reason she decided to dress like an 11 year old on the first day of school. I don't know why either, she's weird.

Holland Taylor is a Lesbian

Congratulations go to Holland Taylor for being gay.  I don't understand why anybody feels the need to tell strangers they're gay but welcome to the 21st century I guess. Every time one of these actors or actresses come out as gay they should start by telling us who they are first. "How do you do? My name is Holland Taylor. I'm an actress and I was "Angry Party Guest No. 4" in 2004's hit movie "Party All Summer" and also I'm gay. Isn't that something? " Good going gay person. Keep up the good work.