Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Jennifer was at the Oscars

As a reward for writing today I thought I'd post a picture of Jennifer Aniston at The Oscars. Okay it's a reward for myself. Well...there she is. I noticed her boyfriend or husband or whatever he is isn't in that picture. Hmmm. Maybe he was too busy trying on skinny jeans or whatever it is he does for a living. Punk.

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"This Is Us" "star" Chrissy Metz was at Elton John's Oscar Viewing party on Sunday dressed as a pool table. No I don't know why, maybe it's a Hollywood thing. Does he have this at his house? Can you see these B-List celebrities showing up at Elton Johns house with plates of food covered in aluminum foil? One guy brings a 12 pack... And you could probably guess I have no idea what "This is Us" is or why it's on TV or Netflix or whatever it is you nerds watch that you think makes you cool. Honestly what a bunch of weirdos. And apparently this show she's on also has Mandy Moore who is shockingly hot and is now 32 years old so it's okay that I say that. Wasn't she a teen celebrity or on the Mickey Mouse Club or something? Who knows. If you really want to know, try asking Netflix you fucking dork.

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I know, I know. I haven't written anything since what, Friday? Big deal no one reads this garbage anyway except for you, and I'm not doing this for you anymore without a little something in return. I think you know what I mean. If you're that upset, maybe you'd like to take a swing at me. Well, go ahead and give it your best shot. Swing at me. Gutless. Punk.  Maybe someday you'll understand what the hell I'm talking about.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Jasmine Tookes is Mobile

Dim bulb and Victoria's Secret model Jasmine Tookes was spotted wearing clothes and going to lunch at The Ivy in Hollywood. Why any of this is news is beyond me but there shes is. Walking across the street to go eat lunch. Can you imagine being a celebrity? Every time you left the house you'd have to be dressed up in case someone took your picture, and then some asshole with a computer would write about it. Most of my "nice" clothes look like they were stolen off of a hobo so I guess I'll never be famous thank fucking God.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Jane Fonda is Attractive

Jane Fonda showed up somewhere looking remarkably hot for a nearly 80 year old traitor that should be swinging from the end of a rope.

Jamie Foxx Hears Things

Two drunk guys in Croatia called creepy weirdo Jamie Foxx a Nigger. Wow. Shocking. And I'm not replacing letters with stars as in n*****. If you can't look at words you need to grow the fuck up. Anyhoo, despite what they want you to believe, people in Europe generally, and Eastern Europe specifically are some of the most racist people on Earth. I live around a lot of Eastern European transplants if you don't believe me about their racism, I'll introduce you to some of them. The only people that are worse are South Africans. It's part of who they are. It's encoded in their DNA. So they run around and try to deflect it by calling Americans racist which compared to them is like calling a cigarette lighter a blow torch.

I knew a guy from South Africa that told me they have this eight lane superhighway there, and you know how you see people carrying baskets of clothes or food on their heads in Africa? Well he told me that the "kaffirs" would try to walk across this eight lane superhighway while carrying those things and you'd see baskets flying everywhere. They just run them down. They don't even bother to swerve or try to stop. And sometimes they swerve intentionally to hit them. They don't even consider them human. Hell, they barely consider them animals.  It's still like the 1830's there. They literally hunt people for sport in South Africa. They probably don't do that in Croatia anymore but only because everybody is too busy stumbling around drunk like all Europeans.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Hillary Duff Released

Hillary Duff angrily emerged from the water in Costa Rica to take revenge on th...wait a minute. Hillary Duff is only 29? Hasn't she been famous since like the 90's? Well...wasn't she famous in the 90's? The 90's was like 20 years ago do you realize that? Sometimes it seems like these celebrities become famous one day, and simply never stop even though you have no idea what they do anymore. Why is that? How much money does someone like Hillary Duff have to be able to do nothing but be muscular and attack beach goers in Costa Rica? $25 million dollars?! What for? How come? Why? Somebody should find out what she's doing now. Maybe somebody with a blog that writes about celebrities. Not me though I stopped caring long long ago.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

It's Alive

Candice Swanepol showed off her freakishly muscular baby on Instagram Is it already wearing a puka shell necklace? Jesus at least let the kid's cranium close up before you start with the Bro' stuff. I guess she's foreign so that's just how they are. Generally people East of New York are usually at least 20 years behind the times on what's hip. Hell you can still buy parachute pants and a brand new Member's Only jacket in Russia.

Emergency Saturday Post

Here's 38 year old (pssh yeah sure) Kim Zolciak doing this on Snap Chat for some reason. I don't want to ruin this moment with a lot of complaining but c'mon. 38? If nothing else you should be damn proud you're in your mid-40's and look like that. I personally know women in their mid-20's that don't look like that but, if you want to say you're 38 years old it's fine I believe you. And since it's obvious I don't care, why not tell me you're the Queen of Jupiter. Whatever you say your highness.

Friday, February 17, 2017


I have absolutely no idea who Grant Hackett is but he was missing and then they found him. What a great story. I don't know where they found him but judging by how close together his eyes are,  it was probably out by his Uncle Merle's still. Next time try there first.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Is Roxy Jacenko Single?

This story asks is Roxy Jacenko single when what it really should be asking, is she really 36 years old like she says because I'm looking right at that picture and I sort of doubt it. Don't get me wrong she looks absolutely fine. She just doesn't look 36. Oh by the way her husband is locked up in an Australian prison for two years because he was convicted of insider trading. I hope he's Australian and wasn't just shipped there to work in the swamps kind of like Steve McQueen in Papillon. Frankly that sounds like a much better story than whether or not some women from Australia you've never heard of is 36 (she isn't). Good luck Roxy Jacenko's husband, remember dry leprosy is the non-contagious one.

Idiot Wins the Lottery. Blows it All in a Few Years (Probably)

Jane Park (pictured) isn't really famous but she did win the Eurolottery or Euromillions or whatever it's called over there and now she's suing the lottery people because she said the money made her unhappy
Before Park won the lottery in 2013, she worked as an administrative assistant for $10 an hour and lived in a modest apartment with her mother in Edinburgh, she said. Now, she owns a flashy purple Range Rover, two residential properties and has traveled the globe with the lottery cash, she said.
 “It’s scary how ­different my life is from my friends’. When they say they’re stressed about money they mean their wages are sh-t,” she said.“There’s no one in the same boat as me, no-one who really understands. I feel like I’m a 40-year-old.”
 It's scary how different her life is from her friends? If she doesn't have a Kim Kardashian poster somewhere in her house I'll eat my hat. And "She feels like a 40 year old because she won the lottery"? That makes zero sense, what does that even mean? Let's take a quick assessment of everything that's going on here. She won $1.25 million dollars. A lot of money to be sure. But she won it when she was 17 years old, so it's unlikely even that amount of money would last her for the rest of her next 60-80 years unless she was relatively frugal. And you can probably guess by the picture, she probably isn't exactly a financial genius. They say you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover but let's face it, you see the eyebrows, the heavily filtered Instagram cleavage picture, the duck lips, and the tattoo on her inner wrist and you know immediately who this woman is.

The article goes on to say she bought a "flashy purple Range Rover". Is the picture becoming a little more clear? Does it have orange wheels? Okay but wait let's stop there. Let's assume for the sake of argument she bought this Land Rover/Range Rover. It's $86,000. After tax, title, and license and God only know what other taxes they foist on your new car in Europe, it's a safe bet that thing cost her close to $100,000. Nearly 10% of her winnings. I say that because she won $1.25 million. I don't know how much she received after taxes, but here in America you would probably take home somewhere around $800,000. Certainly enough for ME to retire on but then, I'm not 18 years old.

The article goes on to describe her upscale shopping, night clubbing (oh of course, remember the Instagram picture and purple range rover?) and trips around the world. All on $1 million dollars. If you ask me she's suing not because the lottery ruined her life, but most likely because it will all soon be gone.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Tess Holliday Does This

XXXL Model Tess Holliday posted this picture to her Instagram and asked "does my sexiness upset you?"  No. Trust me. It doesn't. And after looking a second time, I'm not sure if she took this picture with a phone, or a movie theatre sized box of Milk Duds.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Britney is at Elta Davis Red Carpet Gala Festival

Well here's my first Britney Spears story since I came back from that other place. You knew I wouldn't keep you waiting. I was going to say how good she looked in that dress but I'm more concerned about her face being a different color than her body. Why is that? I'm sure it's nothing to be concerned about. And frankly I'm not really sure I care too much. Yet.

 Oh and by the way I was told by a certain blogging platform that I need to do a better job of crediting my pictures just before I deleted my account there. If I want to be constantly bitched at, I'll start listening to my girlfriend. So instead of making you looking down into the corner of the picture where they're already labeled for me, I'll go to the extra step of changing the properties of the photo labels from here on out. So in case you have a problem looking down and left make sure you wave your mouse over the picture so you can tell where the picture came from. You'll be like an investigative copy-write attorney or something. Congratulations on your promotion.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Paris Hilton Wears Clothes

Paris Hilton and her plastic robot face were both on the Pier 59 (?) catwalk or runway or whatever it's called at New York's Fashion Week. What, again? Is it fashion week like every three months now? I feel like I just wrote about fashion week like two weeks ago. And the only place I ever see stories about Paris Hilton anymore is/are in the UK papers 

The UK papers are the only tabloids that talk about her anymore because the UK is so desperate for actual celebrities that even Paris Hilton will do. Have you ever seen the UK's celebrities? They're all soccer players, and reality show bimbos so in comparison I guess Paris Hilton must be like Elvis to them. Sheesh.

Oh, well, and of course stories about her will be written by me too because apparently you idiots will read anything. I will say she does look a lot better now that she's 36 than she did 10 or so years ago. I guess. I mean, I don't know. It's Paris Hilton who gives a shit.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Jennifer Lopez Stumbles

Some people are asking if Jennifer Lopez shared this "sexy" photo to her Instagram by "accident". Yes I'm sure that's exactly what happened. It was an accident. She had a professional photographer along with a couple of lighting guys and a make up artist take the picture, then it was handed to her assistant who added filters and photoshopped out any flaws, then it was sent back to her phone where she hit the little Instagram app with her thumb signed on to her account and uploaded the picture, then hit "next",  then the share button so it could be sent to all of her other social media accounts, and then hit "send". All by accident. It must have been like watching Mr. Bean cook Thanksgiving dinner. By the way, I always cover up the simpering comments left on these Instagram photos by creepy men with people that have me blocked on Twitter. There's no reason for everyone to suffer having to read them.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

G'Day Britney

 Britney Spears proved she's already prepared for Halloween even though it's nine months away when she showed off her new costume, The Sexy Crocodile Dundee. I'm not sure why a hot girl in a bikini and high heels only garnered 12,000 likes on Instagram, but maybe everyone was busy liking all those pigs dressed up in costumes. Have you ever seen that? So cute! Anyway, she's now way out in the lead for my "Bobby's Best" award so I guess we'll just have to see what Kate Beckinsale and Jennifer Aniston have in store for us come October. I'm always available if they want to send me some pictures. Nothing crazy this time you two you're going to get me in trouble.

Kristen Stewart's Comedy Time Machine

 I didn't watch it because I was too busy repeatedly slamming my head into a wall, but apparently Kristen Stewart kept SNL as timely and on the cutting edge as it usually is by talking about things Donald Trump said about her. Five years ago. While she was at it, she also made jokes about The Dark Knight Rises, The Hobbit and some other things that happened in 2012.  By the way I was looking for an image to use for this post and so I Googled "Kristen Stewart" and that was the first picture I saw. I have no idea if it's from that vampire movie she's in or if she's really one of the undead. You should look into it and if you find out text me and let me know. Oh, what's that? You don't have my number? Yes, I know.

Lena Dunham Stops Eating Things

  Lena Dunham has claimed to find the best weight loss program in history. Want to know her secret? Just elect THE WORST HUMAN BEING TO EVER BE BORN SINCE HITLER and you too can be as thin as a rail!
 “Donald Trump became president and I stopped being able to eat food,” she told Stern after he complimented her look. “Everyone’s been asking like, ‘What have you been doing?’ And I’m like, ‘Try soul-crushing pain and devastation and hopelessness and you, too, will lose weight.'”
  Maybe if we elect the next Genghis Khan she'll stop drinking water too. And she told all of this to Howard Stern? Where, at a baseball game? I'm always surprised to find out that guy is still on the radio. hey if you want to listen to Howard Stern knock yourself out. I also wouldn't stop youfrom doing the following things. 1. Sticking forks in an electrical outlet. 2. Throwing yourself off a very tall building. Hey it's your life man.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Hey Gang Look Who's Here!

Well that didn't last very long. I'll be bringing my hilarity and zany insights and poor grammar back here where I don't have people telling me I'm too mean or how big my stories have to be. So Starting later today or maybe tomorrow I'll be back here with stories that will teach you how to love again.  I'll see you soon