Thursday, March 29, 2018

Leonardo DiCaprio has a Girlfriend

Leonardo DiCaprio put on his Kid Rock disguise and went out with his girlfriend Camilla Morrone. His 20 year old girlfriend Camilla Morrone. Leo was already nominated for Oscars for movies he'd been in four years before she was even born. I'm the first guy in the world that will say "age is just a number", and I'm the last guy in the world that cares if your girlfriend/boyfriend is 25 years younger or older than you, it always depends on the person, and age truly doesn't matter, but c'mon man. She was shopping for a prom dress with the rest of the cheerleading squad like 18 months ago.  Where do you even meet a 20 year old for God's sake. At the mall?  It's not like she's hanging out in bars.

 She even still looks like a doughy teenager. Her high school diploma is dated 2016. Hell it's entirely possible that her parents are younger than Leonardo DiCaprio. What in the world could an almost 45 year old man have in common with a recently post-teenaged girl? Have you ever talked to a 20 year old girl? Here's a tip from me. Don't. They're idiots. This is where it starts to cross the line between having a younger girlfriend that has the same likes and dislikes that you do and maybe a great sense of humor, and being hung up on barely legal porn. I don't know what her hobbies are but I'm sure one of them is practicing writing the name Camilla DiCaprio in her diary. Probably with tiny little hearts over the "i".

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Izabel Goulart is Waterproof

Victoria's Secret model Izabel Goulart went to the beach and tried to not get her hair wet. I've written about her before and I don't really have anything new to add because she's a Victoria's Secret model and not much else.

Monday, March 26, 2018

Declan Donnely is Going to Have a Baby

Declan Donnely is going to have a baby. Presumably with his wife I didn't think he was the one that was pregnant.  I haven't the slightest idea who he is or why this is news,  unless they're saying he looks like Paul McCartney which all British people do, even the girls.  I'm only writing this because as I scrolled down through the story I noticed the picture was attributed with a copyright to "Arch Stanton".  Arch Stanton was the name on the grave where the gold was hidden in the movie "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly"(inset). Why? What does it all mean? Who is this mystery man? Let me know if you figure it out I'll be doing other things.

Friday, March 23, 2018

Bianca Gascoigne Walks on a Beach

Bianca Gascoigne is some nobody with big boobs from the UK that was on Celebrity Big Brother (?) that posted this picture of herself on a beach on -- where else -- her Instagram.  I scrolled through her Instagram pictures so you don't have to, just to try to get some kind of idea what it is she likes to do for fun and judging by all the pictures she enjoys standing around, and holding drinks. Her other hobbies include staring dead eyed, doing beer bongs in parking lots at sporting events, getting her nails done, and driving around in garish sports cars with guys that have terrible haircuts and really tight shirts (all guesswork on my part).  But she's wearing a bikini and that was a good distraction for you idiots while I look for something else to write about.

Thursday, March 22, 2018

Shocking Las Vegas Hotel Gunman Video

ABC News asked in a breathless report how Stephen Paddock, the gunman that killed 58 people from his Mandalay Bay hotel room, got so many guns into his room. His hotel room. Where people bring suitcases. I couldn't figure out how to embed the ABC News video so I got the Fox News one from You Tube. If you insist on watching the exact same video because it's on ABC and not Fox here it is.

The brain trust over at ABC News where people are paid hundreds of thousands, and in the case of the television hosts, sometimes many millions of dollars, can't figure out how a guy brought a bunch of suitcases into his hotel room. It's no wonder why the establishment media can't figure out why people have almost zero trust in them.

Diane Keaton is Still Zany, Alive

Diane Keaton was at the David Donatello awards ceremony in Rome on Wednesday night dressed like a... stylish hobo? I'm not really sure what's going on there. Maybe she was there with like 200 watches and cheap gold necklaces hidden in that comically oversized coat to make a few extra bucks off the audience. And she is constantly wearing some kind of wacky hat. I haven't seen the top of her head in at least 20 years, do you think the top of her skull is missing and her brain is exposed? If I had to guess I'd say yes, yes it is.  I don't know what the award was for but I see the word "Campari" on the backdrop and I think that's a type of tomato so maybe she flew to Rome to get awarded for her prize winning tomatoes. If there's one thing the Romans know besides candles it's tomatoes.  I think all of my theories in this story are pretty solid.

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Elle Macpherson is the Bee's Knees

Elle Macpherson was on the beach in Sydney, Australia in a sexy swimsuit on Saturday. 53 year old Elle Macpherson. She could be your grandmother. So yes I'd have sex with your nana. I just won't look at her knees. What do you say Elle?

Site News

If you asked me an hour ago did I have stories ready to go for today I would have said "you bet I do!" and then I looked and much to my surprise I didn't because I guess I forgot. Maybe I'll get to it in a couple of hours. Maybe I won't. What are you the Story Police?

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Naomi Campbell Can Kiss my Blarney Stone

Naomi Campbell dressed like this and posted it on her Instagram for St. Patrick's Day.  I really don't know what this has to do with St. Patrick's Day but I guess the whole "slutty whatever" Halloween attitude is taking over everything. Anyway it doesn't matter because I definitely approve. And no I'm not sure why I'm writing about St. Patrick's Day three days after it's over either. I'll tell you what, if you don't like it,  I'll send you the password to this site and you can try writing this crap every day.

Rita Ora Rejected by the Sea

British nobody, Rita Ora washed up onto some rocks off the coast of Britain. Maybe she was on a ship to the "Island of Fame" when it was torpedoed by reality and it threw her overboard. Oh well, better luck next time. Later one of those guys with a nail on a stick picked her up and put her in a garbage bag that he was carrying over his shoulder.

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Saturday with Lea Michele

Lea Michele shared a throwback photo on her Instagram. I'm not sure when it was a throwback too, probably 2011 or something when anyone knew who Lea Michele was. She was on "Glee" and I remember when everyone was talking about that show, for whatever reason they talked about it which I never understood, but even that was almost seven years ago. If I hadn't seen this story on a terrible website I wouldn't even remember she was a person. I hope she saved some of the money she was paid from that show.

Friday, March 16, 2018

Orlando Bloom has a Hat

Orlando Bloom landed in LAX wearing a nifty hat/vest combo after flying in from the Czech Republic where he was filming a TV show called "Where Former Stars Go to Die". I'm kidding it's called "Carnival Row". It's probably all dash cam footage of him running over Gypsies or maybe hunting vampires or whatever the Hell it is they do over there. I get the feeling I could get on TV in the Czech Republic. Hell, for all I know I'm on TV there as I'm typing this right now. I'm sorry, the Czechs ruined Tom and Jerry for a period in the early 70's and I never forgave them for it. They were commies you know, so maybe they turned him into a hypnotized spy. I'm on to you Agent Orlandobot Number 6, you're not fooling anybody.

Lorraine Takes a Walk in the Park

This is Mel B's former nanny Lorraine Gilles and she just filed for divorce from her husband. Lorraine was accused of having a relationship with Mel B's husband - whatever his name is - and I guess that's why people know her name. Sort of know her name anyway. A girlfriend once told me that girls that wear heels with jeans are whores. Why? I have no idea why that would be the case but Lorraine is a girl wearing jeans with high heels and she had an affair with someone else's husband and she's filing for a divorce from her current husband because of infidelity and she's due in court soon so maybe we'll finally get some answers to the high heel/jeans mystery.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Emma Watson is Brilliant

A couple of days ago, or maybe last week or the week before, I don't remember, Emma Watson showed off her new tattoo "Times Up" that she got to show Support for the Times Up Movement and people on the internet had a thrombosis because there was no apostrophe and people on the internet are a bunch of goddamn morons.

 The Internet Moron Herd was right in the fact that at least two people were dumb enough to allow this to happen. And it's not like a typo this take's time. I may have described getting a tattoo before but I'll do it again.

1. Have a tattoo design you like
2. The artist draws the design
3. It's Xeroxed (copied) onto this tracing/transfer paper which is then...
4. ...Placed in the position where you want the tattoo then water is applied and sort of like a decal, it shows where the outline of the tattoo would be
5. The artist then tells you too look in the mirror and see if you like how/where it is/looks
6. If not it's wiped off and you can make adjustments
7. The tattoo can then be applied.

I've had this done 15 times so I sort of know what I'm talking about . So at least two people went through an at least six step possibly hours long process. Ultimately it's Emma's responsibility. But if Emma Watson approved of the tattoo that's it. It's ALL her fault. Maybe she didn't want an apostrophe. Maybe that's what she thought looked best. The tattoo artist doesn't give a shit about your spelling. At least she's lucky it can be fixed easy enough and she can please you pack of cackling hyenas.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Stand With Her/Us/Them/Everyone

School students in the Middle East are walking out of their schools to show support for the American students saying they can't understand America's violence problem. Unfortunately they were blown to bits by a Palestinian nail bomb* but thanks for voicing your opinion.

*may not have actually happened

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

FKA Twigs is the Future

"Singer" (my guess would be rap) FKA Twigs was spotted with a mystery man. I know who he is. He's her bodyguard and she's a princess from a post-apocalyptic future and holds the secret to the cure for the disease that is ravaging mankind. Why else would she be wearing that outfit and those boots? Alright you caught me, so maybe I watched the 1989 classic "Cyborg" with Jean-Claude Van Damme the other night and I may be bleeding these two events into each other. Okay I didn't exactly "watch" it but the parts I did see were infinitely more interesting than these two talent-less dim bulbs. 

Mr T Rules

Remember when Mr T was a Midget Tossing World Champion?

Tyra Banks is a Host

Tyra Banks took her forehead to the red carpet premier for her show "America's Next Top Model" "America's Got Talent"(?) Either way I didn't even realize either thing was still on television. Maybe your talent is just being a really good friend. See if that's a winning talent on her dumb ass show.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Stephen Colbert Investigates

Stephen Colbert can't wait to talk about Donald Trump's penis. Why? I don't know maybe Vanity Fair will ask him.

Friday, March 9, 2018

Adrien Brody is a Stud

Remember Adrien Brody? Boy I sure do. He's 44 years old and has a 24 year old girlfriend named Lara Lieto. I'm not sure why any of this is news, but I guess I'd tell everyone if my girlfriend was 24 years old too. "Hey this is my girlfriend. Isn't she cute? No she didn't hit her head, she's just 24 years old". Well, there's your Adrien Brody update for today. In summary, yes he's still alive so do with that information what you will.

Thursday, March 8, 2018

Shakira is Musical

Shakira walked around an airport with a guitar strapped to her back. Maybe she was just reliving her Colombian roots. Unfortunately they wouldn't allow her mule through security. I was going to go through this whole deal where I used her 40 inch guitar as a frame of reference to dispel the myth that she's 5'2 but I quickly lost interest once I realized how much work that was going to be versus how much I actually gave a shit. You're certainly free to carry on with my work, who knows maybe you'll even get a prize.

Rosie O'Donnell Isn't Insane

Oh if it were only this easy....

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Black Chyna OH MY GOD

Good God this is disgusting. Seriously, it's repulsive. After I saw this I ran to one of those eye wash stations like you see in a factory where people work around caustic liquids. Why did I even post this here. If you find this physically appealing, you have serious behavioral disorders that need to be addressed immediately. You know why I posted this? It's like seeing an accident. Only this is a particularly bad one with flames, and smoke and heads in the street, and people sticking out of windshields. It's almost too terrible to believe. You know what makes this even worse? She apparently has a sex tape floating around somewhere. Alright that's enough I'm outta here

Jennifer Lawrence is Deep

The many faces of Jennifer Lawrence

Monday, March 5, 2018

Rachel Shenton is Nice

I discovered Rachel Shenton at last night's Academy Awards. That's right me. I discovered her. Isn't she cute? It was cool the way she gave her speech while also signing for her deaf friend. I like her because she has a nice smile and also she looks like the type of girl that would do way to many shots of Jack Daniels ("The Idiots Choice") in an old neighborhood bar with you. Believe me, you can trust me on this. I've known 100 girls like that. I can tell just by looking at them. You have to be careful though or you wind up cleaning vomit out of your bedroom carpet at 2 AM Right, Tanya?

Jennifer Lawrence Nude

Oscar winners, along with the standard statuette, also received this life sized wax figure of Jennifer Lawrence. The weird thing is, it's more realistic, smarter, and has more personality than the real Jennifer Lawrence.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Sarah Silverman is a Woman

Sarah Silverman reportedly wore just a bra under her sport coat at the Independent Spirit Awards. It's a better attention getting option than her attempting to be funny I guess. When in doubt just show your boobs. Ask Chelsea Handler or Amy Schumer. You see those two linked stories? They're almost exactly two years apart and that's why I don't like stand up comics. Every new comic - man or woman -  thinks they're edgy and original but they aren't. They all share basically the same brain and think they're the first ones to do anything. Oh sure they may be the "conscience of a generation" but each generation is dumber than the last so that ain't saying very much. George Carlin's 1972 "seven words" bit is just basically the same crap that got Lenny Bruce arrested a decade earlier. Who did it before them? Steve Allen? Probably. Will someone do something like it again? Almost certainly. 

 It's really just reworked and reheated. Oh sure it sounds different but you've heard it all before. Or at least you have if you weren't born in the last 18 years. You have to remember that in the late 80's guys like Andrew Dice Clay sold out stadiums. Not clubs, or theaters but stadiums. I remember Andrew Dice Clay selling out two shows at what is now the Allstate Arena. A place where people like Beyonce, AC/DC or Guns 'N Roses regularly perform. And that was just in Illinois. So what some people think is funny, might be something you don't find even chuckle worthy. I have nothing against comics personally, I know some stand up comics and they're very nice people. But I'm not looking to them to "stand up to the man". Something someone like Sarah and her friends do regularly. It doesn't carry any weight with me.

 And so now every time some kid wakes up and discovers Bill Hicks I have to hear about it despite the fact that he's been dead for two decades (full disclosure I saw Bill Hicks live and was a huge fan and I happened to be at this very show). I used to laugh until my sides ached at just about anything Bill Hicks said. Then a few years back I watched some videos of him on You Tube and I sat there stone faced like one of those big heads on Easter Island. And really the jokes could be told in a club tomorrow and still be pretty relevant. So I don't know, maybe I'm just getting older. Or maybe comics just aren't really very funny anymore. And I don't think being a man or a woman comes into play at all. You're either funny, or you're not. Sex, color or religion have zero to do with it. On the other hand at least unoriginal female comics have boobs. Can't be funny? Whip 'em out. It's a good fall back position. Anyway, enjoy Sarah Silverman's boobs I guess. They're definitely better than her "comedy".

Saturday, March 3, 2018

Cher Visits Australia

Cher visited Sydney Australia's 40th anniversary of that city's Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras. I didn't know there was a separate gay and lesbian Mardi Gras I thought it was all one thing. At least now we know whatever happened to Baby Jane.

Tattoo Genius

She isn't really famous although she sort of is now because this genius got FUCK TRUMP tattooed on the inside of her lower lip.  Her Twitter bio says she's graduating from "U of A in 2022". I assume that means University of Arizona and from what I've always heard about University of Arizona students, this will probably be far and away the least embarrassing thing she does over the next four or five years

P.S. In case you're wondering tattoos on the inner lip seldom last very long so lucky for her this is far from permanent. But believe me I'm sure she already knows that because if she really meant this, she would have had it tattooed somewhere else.

Breaking Jennifer Lawrence News

Jennifer Lawrence is changing her name to Synthetic Robot Face. Well, she should anyway. I'm sure she's very nice though.

Friday, March 2, 2018

Jessica Rae was Born in the USA

Bruce Springsteen's daughter Jessica Rae is the only thing he ever made that I actually like. The only thing worse than Bruce Springsteen are people that like Bruce Springsteen.