Friday, July 31, 2015

Hilaria Baldwin Does Yoga by a Baby

The Daily Mail has a weird fixation on Alec Baldwin's wife, Hilaria Baldwin  I really have no idea why. What am I missing? Does anyone even talk about Alec Baldwin anymore? Unless it involves the phrase "assault and battery" or "stuffs his face" my guess is no. But I guess she does yoga so I suppose it worked on me because I clicked on the story to look at an attractive bendy woman doing bendy yoga things. Later, maybe she'll fire up that EZ Bake oven and cook up some gluten free muffins or whatever the hell it is these yoga hippies eat.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Lena Dunham Leads a Double Life

Lena Dunham was out jogging in New York showing off her new look. I think it's called Dennis and he's now an auditor with the accounting firm Anchin Block & Anchin on Broadway, Suite 18.

Pointless Brooke Burke Story

Brooke Burke was at an award ceremony with her husband David Charvet but I forgot which ceremony because I closed the tab before I wrote this and I'm not searching for it again so this story might go off the rails pretty quick. I have a good excuse though. I didn't look for the story because I have other more important things to do. For instance, I'd like to mention to Brooke that I'm 6'1 and since Brooke is 5'7 it appears her husband is around 5'10? Maybe? In case she ever reads this I'd also bring up the fact that don't have a faux-hawk. I will freely admit that I don't own a tuxedo but let's not get all highfalutin just yet okay miss big shot? I said I'd get one okay get off my back.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Elyse Taylor is Sort of Like Hitler

Australian super model Elyse Taylor hassome advice for you if you want to take the perfect selfie and it's pretty simple.
Filter everything!
Gee thanks for that Earth shattering advice Elyse I never would've thought of that. I've seen some girls profile pictures that are so filtered they look like a goddamn cartoon. I'm not even sure I'd recognize them if I saw them in person. And there was another Australian that thought you should filter everything to fool people. That's right it was Hitler. Or maybe that was Austria. I'm not sure now I can't know everything if you want answers why don't you try reading a book.

Brooklyn Blue Kicked off the X Factor

I don't know who Brooklyn Blue is (real name Becky Constantinou) and I would never have recognized her, but apparently some security guard did and after making it through three rounds of tryouts for the X Factor in the UK and she says because of it she was "grassed up" whatever the hell that means.  I assume it means kicked off.
Becky, who according to her IMDB profile has starred in ten porn films and adult TV series, explains: 'I know X Factor is a family show, but porn shouldn't define who I am. I was never going to put on a sex show for Simon.'
 As far as porn stars go she's okay I guess. I was going to post a different picture but they're all either very sexually explicit -- which I actually don't mind so much -- or they're her in the back of limos doing the sideways peace sign with a crooked baseball hat making a kissy face and I don't want anything that disgusting on my blog.

Site News

I have some important real life stuff happening today so I'll write something later if I get the chance or if I feel like it. If not try going outside or play with your dog or something.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Jessica Simpson and Kylie Jenner in Battling Bathing Suits

35 year old Jessica Simpson got all catty and decided to show up teenager Kylie Jenner on Instagram by wearing the same exact bathing suit that Kylie also wore on Instagram just a week earlier. Who wore it better? I have admit I'm torn, but I have to go with Jessica.  I think I'd prefer a sexy bathing suit on a woman that, unlike a 17 year old, could buy her own alcohol if she had too. I'm not getting involved in that kind of mess again.

Kylie Jenner is like Yoda

17 year old Kylie Jenner dressed like a second string Bond Girl to go to a musical play with her family and she had some life wisdom to dispense which I'm sure she thought of as she was leaving her $2.7 million dollar house in her $137,000 car
'That's what's wrong with today. If you don't show or "prove" to social media that you've done something it's like it never happened,'
'My reality is.. I only show people what I want them to see. No one knows what goes on in my day to day but me & who I share my moments with,' she added.
Don't worry we all know how private your life is. And of course she tweeted these thoughts to her 10.5 million followers. Thanks for the life advice Kylie. Now maybe if I can ride my sister's sex tape coattails into fame and fortune I can put it all into practice. Wait my sister has a sex tape? What have you heard? 

Rob Lowe Lost His Shirt

Rob Lowe celebrated his 24th anniversary to his wife Sheryl Berkoff in St Tropez all while looking at least as good as guys half his age.  When women talk about Dad Bods I'm pretty sure they mean this and not whatever it is you have. Are you still wearing your t-shirt in the pool? It's probably better that you do that anyway,  me and Rob Lowe wouldn't want you to get sunburned you nerd.

Orlando Bloom is Huge Now

Orlando Bloom went swimming in Italy to show off what I'm told is his new "bulked up physique". I'm not sure who that is in the picture maybe Orlando's physique was too bulked up to fit into one frame.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Joe Wicks is a Dream Boat

After some soul searching I realized that maybe the stories I write are a bit heavy with women that make up perhaps one half of 1% of the human population of the Earth just because I'm attracted to them, so here's a little treat for the ladies. His name is Joe Wicks and he's a 29 year old fitness coach from somewhere but I'm not sure where because I stopped reading the story once I found his name. Isn't he adorable? And those abs! And  since he's 29 years old and a part of the new generation of men he probably builds furniture in his spare time, wears his hair up in a bun, and will talk to you about his feelings until you want to claw his fucking eyes out. Oh sure you'll have to call your dad to come help you when you get a flat tire but Joe will be there waiting for you when you get home. Maybe he'll be working on a poem, stir frying some beans or cleaning the tub or something.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Eva Longoria Wants a 20 Year Old Body

 Eva Longoria was interviewed by the Daily Mail Australia on Wednesday for the sole purpose of making you feel bad about yourself
 'Let me tell you, I love my forties - I want my twenty-year-old body - but I love my forties,' the Texan star told Daily Mail Australia on Wednesday.
I've seen pictures of Eva when she was in her 20's and I'll be honest I don't really see much of a difference. I guess whoever said life begins at 40 was right.  Hell I remember Eva's 38th birthday like it was just yesterday. Frankly, Eva could've been responsible for a continent wide genocide when she was in her 20's and I'd pretty much forgive her for it today as long as she keeps wearing that grey dress.

Michelle Rodriguez is in St Tropez

Michelle Rodriguez was on a yacht in St. Tropez looking impossibly sexy in just a shirt and little else. Yes I'm well aware that she's wearing a bikini underneath it but don't ruin this for me. Just like how I don't want to hear your nonsense about how she's a lesbian and prefers women over men because what you don't realize is that actually makes her sound much more attractive to me so I guess your little plan backfired didn't it Mr. Smartguy.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Tilda Swinton is a Girl

Tilda Swinton looks pretty good dressed up like a girl instead of Grace Jones' ghost that's forever doomed to wander the halls of the old building where Studio 54 used to be.

Elle MacPherson is still Doing Things

I swear this isn't going to become an Elle MacPherson/supremely hot women over 30 tribute page I just happen to like attractive women in bikinis and luckily for me she seems to enjoy running around in one. Hey if you don't like it maybe you can start your own blog and post pictures of big muscley men in their underwear and you and your boyfriends can all talk about story ideas while you're at the salon getting your eyebrows done it's really none of my business.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Tina Fey Mistaken for a Prostitute

 While playing some kind of game with Jimmy Fallon - unfortunately it wasn't Russian Roulette - Tina Fey admitted to once being mistaken for a prostitute
 Tina revealed that there was an odd quiet vibe in the casino with 'weird Europeans gambling' and they ended up being the youngest people in the establishment.
The 30 Rock star elaborated more saying: 'Then this older gentleman came over and was like "I would like to buy the two of you dinner in this restaurant here." And it was like this weird restaurant in the back and my cousin was like "yeah," but I was like "I don't think it's a good idea."
Being the sexy man that I am I will never understand why people pay for sex. In fact just this morning I was out jogging with my shirt off and it was a mob scene.  I was like, "Can't you women leave me alone for 30 goddamn minutes while I run 5 miles and work on my abs?" But I have to admit in Tina's case I wouldn't be able to get my wallet out fast enough. Maybe next time I'm in Monaco waiting for Elle to finish getting ready  I'll look her up. Don't Worry Tina I'll keep it quiet I wouldn't want all those jealous women coming after you.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Jennifer Lawrence is a Rebel

 Jennifer Lawrence has permanently cemented her place as the Whitest Girl in the Universe by getting an adorable "H2O" tattooed on her hand. What's the matter, were they all out of little mustaches or Shhhh....'s for her finger? But it turns out it's actually worse than that because it's incorrect.
 I call this tattoo a watered-down rebellion,” she told HitFix. “I was with Liam’s family and everybody was getting tattoos. And I was like, ‘Well, I’m always going to need to be hydrated.’ So I guess I should just get H2O on my hand.” But the 24-year-old actress was well aware that there was a major error with the skin-colored tattoo on her right hand.
“By the way, I know the ‘2’ is high, and in H2O the ‘2’ is supposed to be low,” she explained of the mistake with her ink. I should have Googled it before I got it tattooed on my body,
  Gee you think? How does this happen? I'm no tattoo artist but I have a bunch of tattoos and almost no matter where you go it's always done pretty much the same way. First you have to have the idea, then you talk to the tattoo artist and they tell you whether or not it's a good idea,  then the tattoo person draws it on that weird tracing paper, then they stick it to your body and tell you to look at it and make sure you like it. Wouldn't an error get caught somewhere along the way? Tattoo artists are usually smarter than most college graduates I know so blaming it on the artist won't fly with me. Sorry Jennifer but I'm afraid there's only one way to resolve this and it's amputation. I hope you like having a hook there instead of a hand which oddly I think that would be kind of cool.

Dildos Over Portland

This isn't about making fun of a celebrity, but c'mon someone is heaving hundreds of dildos over power lines in Portland...
 The large white and bright orange dildos appear to have been strung together in pairs, and have prompted numerous reports to the Portland Office of Neighborhood Involvement, department spokeswoman Lisa Leddy said on Monday.
In some cities tossing running shoes over power lines used to mean that's a spot where you could buy drugs but dildos? What could that mean that isn't completely horrifying? And hundreds? The very first thing I thought  was, "Jesus aren't those things kind of expensive?" And my second one is, when did your mom move to Portland? She's got a pretty good arm.

It's JJ Day Today

My future ex-wife Jennifer Aniston was attacked and briefly held captive by a Bigfoot like creature some people have called "JJ". She managed to escape before I was able to swing into action which was probably in the best interests of everybody involved.

JJ Lane Attacked Beaten Wears V Neck T-Shrts

Some guy named JJ Lane and a crew member from the TV show The Bachelor was attacked by five men he said were in a gang and Lane suffered two black eyes, and possibly a concussion as a result to which I say good. Maybe as they were punching him in the face they could have done something about his eyebrows while they were at it.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Bethenny Frankel Finds Love

I don't know why Bethenny Frankel is famous. I have no idea what she's done or why people talk about her but she's mildly attractive in that oh shit it's last call kind of way so I'll write about her because I need something to write about. And luckily for me it turns out there was big news on the Bethenny Frankel front. She has met the man of her dreams. I don't know anything about him either except for his name, Eric Stonestreet. And I'll be honest, he's the most Eric looking guy I've ever seen. I can only imagine how they met because there are only two possibilities. He's the cable guy they sent to her house when she couldn't figure out how to hook up her wireless router, or he bumped into her at a sports bar after getting his fourth plate of Atomic Buffalo Wings during the basketball finals. I hope you like washing really big underwear Bethenny because I bet there's going to be a lot of that in your future.

Happy Birthday Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson looks like the Jessica Simpson I knew and loved again when she turned 35 on Friday and spent it looking like this in St. Barts. I cropped whoever the person is she was standing next to because mere mortals that aren't me don't deserve to stand that close to her. Plus being 35, mathematically at least, she's basically a once divorced, middle aged woman and I heard they're always hot to trot. At least that's what I remember Richie Cunningham telling his friends on that one episode of Happy Days. Just remember Jess, I'm the only one that stood behind you when you looked like a dead hippopotamus bloating in the hot African sun a few years ago. See ? I told you I can be romantic. Call me back.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Madonna is a Rebel?

I saw a picture of what I assume is the cover of a Madonna album this morning and it immediately made me think of Pee Wee taping up his face in front of the bathroom mirror. I have no idea when that album was released or what songs are on it or even if it's for real. This was a good post wasn't it?

Elle MacPherson is Attractive

Here's 51 year old Elle MacPherson on a yacht off the coast of Monaco. What's her secret to her seemingly eternal youth? Voodoo? Magic potions?  Photo Shop? Whatever it is it works for me. I have some time before I'm 51 years old to get a yacht so I can hang out in Monaco. The only real decision is whether I get the 99 footer, or the 125. I guess I better hurry up and decide while she's still there.

50 Cent Doesn't Have $.50 Cents

As recently as April 18, 2014, rapper and noted financial whiz kid 50 Cent had an estimated personal net worth of somewhere around $140 million dollars.  That number has since been reduced a bit beginning July 13, 2015 to $0
In court papers filed in the U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Hartford, Conn., Mr. Jackson reported assets and debts each in the range of $10 million to $50 million.
Hey easy come, easy go right? I have absolutely no idea how you could blow through $140 million dollars in a single lifetime. I somehow manage to survive on the change people drop by accident at toll booths and a complicated series of transactions involving blood and sperm donations. If you want financial advice from me I'd say trust me and be careful not to get those two appointments mixed up.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

J.K. Rowling Has an Opinion

Some guy on Twitter got severely pwned by JK Rowling when he said Serena Williams looks like a man. "Yeah my husband looks just like this in a dress, You're an idiot." she said.

It's weird I wonder why she didn't use one of these pictures instead...

Just one of life's mysteries I guess.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Britney Spears is Walking Around

I've always thought Britney Spears was hot. Back when her and Jessica Simpson ruled the airwaves and Britney was dancing around with snakes...oof. Well anyway. Like I was saying I think she's attractive, unfortunately she's always making a face like she's at a party and a girl that's dressed like a slut just walked in with a guy she likes. I'm just not sure I can get past that Brit. But hey, go ahead and give me a call  next week and I'll see if I'm not busy.

Nicky Hilton Got Married

In a shocking turn of events Paris Hilton isn't dead. Also shocking was her scarecrow faced sister Nicky getting married to some billionaire named Rothschild which I'm pretty sure is a fake name from a TV show. I love the look on Paris' face. She's 35 years old, unmarried and nearing the time mother nature says "HOLD IT! NO BABIES FOR YOU!" Mother nature can be a real bitch like that. You can tell by how Paris looks like somebody just told her her dog died that even she has a biological clock and it's probably ticking like a goddamn hydrogen bomb by now while her younger sister is getting married to some guy I'm pretty sure she'll poison later and make the whole thing look like an overdose. You heard it here first folks Nicky Hilton is a murderer. Congratulations on your wedding Black Widow.

Barbara Bach Still Married to Ringo. Kind of Attractive

Somebody mentioned Ringo Starr to me this morning and because I despise The Beatles it immediately made me think of Ringo's wife Barbara Bach who will turn 69 years old on August 27th. There really is no other point to this story except to say the image on the right is the first image that comes up when you search "68 year old woman" in Google. I guess it's up to you to decide how you're going to spend your golden years. Are you going to be hot like Barbara Bach? Or are you going to be the lady everyone comes to when they need to be taught how to use an old timey spinning wheel.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Charlotte McKinney was Hacked

A "hacker" posted two topless photos of Charlotte McKinney on Instagram with the caption "I'm gonna be so damn hungover tomorrowww" which were then quickly removed. A reward was announced for the capture of the so called hacker and any other nude photos he or she may have of her. By me. Whatever it takes. My house? I have a car and some cash just let me know no problem or questions asked.

Ariana Grande Thinks You're Fat and Stupid

Ariana Grande was surprised to find out they make donuts in a donut shop. Here's the TMZ link if you're interested in reading about this there instead so go ahead who fucking needs you?
 Ariana Grande burned herself badly in that donut shop ... by bashing fat Americans, and now many people think that's why she's bailing on a huge concert event... employee brought out a tray of oversized donuts, and Ariana blurted ... "What the fukk is that? I hate Americans. I hate America.
 Um, wasn't she IN a donut shop? What did she think they were making in there, Che Guevara t-shirts?  She was saying that to impress her head band wearing vato wannabe boyfriend. And anyway, you know what? They all say stuff that. She's a 22 year old moron. They think it's edgy and original and they all think they're the first ones to say stuff like that. What the fuck does she know?

As recently as 2011 she she was probably a high school junior that didn't have a single thought in her head beyond going to Forever XXI and Discovery Clothes "for that big party at Kevin's house his parents are totally out of town!". There are probably 10 million Airiana Grandes wandering around that think all Americans are fat, and stupid when in fact, she's the idiot that probably still thinks "like John Lennon is like the greatest songwriter ever" and posts George Carlin memes all over her Facebook page.

And hey if nothing else they can start planning the Ariana Grande/Carly Rae Jepsen tour now

Monday, July 6, 2015

Congratulations Alex Morgan

Women's soccer is a big thing now but I wouldn't know because unless you live in South America I thought people quit playing soccer when they were 11 years old, but people pretend to like it enough I guess so here we are and while I don't care for soccer I do like girls with athletic bodies in bikinis and so here's Alex Morgan walking around in one. I can only assume she's the captain of the team because why wouldn't she be and if she isn't maybe it's time for a promotion. How do you promote somebody to Captain on a soccer team? Give their family some goats or maybe a box of nails so they can fix their roof before the rainy season? I'll pitch in if she needs the help.

Nicki Minaj Looks Good

Nicki Minaj looks like she was involved in some kind of dispute with Bugs Bunny and he got the upper hand as he usually does and she somehow got the air hose jammed in her mouth and she got overinflated. I like to imagine he then cut the net she was wearing and she floated away only to be shot down by some passing Army Air Corp fighter planes that misidentified her as a passing Nazi blimp and she hit the ground leaving an imprint in the ground with all those cracks radiating out from the center.