Friday, February 16, 2018

!!!BREAKING JENNIFER ANISTON SEPARATION NEWS!!!!

Jennifer Aniston separated from some guy she was married too Why? Who knows and who cares as long as that nerd is out of the picture
They gave no reason for the split and said they intended to continue their "cherished friendship".
That's a good enough reason for me. Now we know why she went out dressed like your mom going to a Cinderella reunion concert by herself. Listen Jen all kidding aside you know where to reach me, I'm here.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Blake Lively is Toasty

Blake Lively showed of her 61 pound weight loss by going out wearing what essentially is just a big sweater. I'm not even sure exactly what it is Blake Lively does so I guess this is as good a reason as any to talk about her.

Lara Flynn Boyle Has a Hobby

Lara Flynn Boyle was spotted at the grocery store near her home in Westwood California at noon yesterday. C'mon Lara, Johnny Walker? At noon? Everyone knows that's an evening drink.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Jennifer Aniston is Hell Bent for Leather

Jennifer Aniston went out with some friends to celebrate her 49th birthday in skin tight leather pants. That's it. This is the whole story. Where's her "husband"? Who knows, and who cares, fuck that guy. If Jen wants to go out alone dressed like she's going to a "Def Leppard and the Rockers of the 80's" concert all by herself believe me that's cool with me.

Friday, February 9, 2018

Gretchen Rossi Plays With Balls

Real Housewives of Something Something's Gretchen Rossi has decided to go with IVF treatments at the age of 39 (so basically 40) instead of not having babies the way nature intended. Why? Beats me I don't give a shit what this woman does one way or the other. I mostly couldn't bear the thought of leaving that greased up dude as the first thing anyone new to this site might see. Plus she's pretty hot and that's all the reason I need. If you need help with fertilization I'm here for you. This stuff I've been using on my lawn in the spring is pretty good. Wait, that's what we're talking about, right?

More Olympics Sexiness for the Ladies


 Pita Taufatofua is the Tongan flag bearer from the country of Tonga.
 The hunky native of the Polynesian kingdom will be making his debut as a cross-country skier this time around — but before he hits the slopes he once again represented his country by covering his abs with coconut oil and carrying his flag proudly in PyeongChang. (Side note: coconut oil can also help with chapped lips and dry skin during the winter months, so Pita was just thinking ahead).
Oiled up shirtless dudes walking around during the Olympics which features male ice skating, and guys wrestling sounds about right to me. 

Shani Davis is a Loser

American speed skater Shani Davis is upset he lost a coin toss because essentially coins are racist now. That's basically what, what he said boils down too. I hope you're happy in 2018 where even inanimate objects don't like black people and probably voted for Trump.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Halsey is Okay

Halsey was at the amfAR Gala on Wednesday and who the Hell knows what that is but apparently the way she looks is inverted proportionally to how truly awful her music is. And I have to tell you she is shockingly attractive to me I really had no idea.  Have you ever heard her music? Here give it a try. God. It's like someone scratching their finger nails on a chalk board. And why no one calls her a racist when she had to actually spend months and years practicing so she could talk like that I have no idea. She's from New Jersey, not Harlem, or Watts. She may as well have painted her face black if you ask me, but you people seemed determined to buy that garbage and support this type of act no matter what so what do I care it's your money, if you want to blow it on these flash in the pans who am I to stop you.

Jennifer Aniston has Class

Jennifer Aniston showed off her house in Architectural Digest and holy crap that place is nice. It's like a damn museum. It was at this moment that I knew she was way, WAY out of my league. And I thought she was out of my league before.  Like I'm on Earth and she's in a different galaxy. Hell, I'm sitting on two old tires as I write this. I'd be afraid to even walk through the door of that place. Oh well. maybe she'll invite me over some day anyway. You know, to sweep her driveway or take out the garbage or whatever.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Paige Spiranac is a Pro

Paige Spiranac is a professional golfer and the first woman announced for the 2018 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Editon edition or whatever it's called. I'd say this makes me want to take up golf but it really doesn't. I've actually golfed in the past and it's very expensive and very, very time consuming. You really have to be rich and retired to fully enjoy it and I'm neither one of those things. I'd also say this makes me want to run out and buy Sports Illustrated magazine but it won't because I wouldn't even know where to buy a Sports Illustrated magazine and I can look at the pictures right here for free so their marketing department may want to start rethinking this whole thing.

Britney Spears is Cloudy

Here's your weekly Britney Spears Instagram update. I'm not sure why it's cloudy and sparkly like that. Probably because I assume that's heaven. There was a picture of her and her boyfriend but he was wearing shoes without socks and I'm not putting up with that bullshit. Besides, he's a jerk isn't he?

Debbie Harry is Your Leader

Debbie Harry of Blondie fame took a break from being Empress D, Mighty Warlord of the Planet Nooroh to visit New York city to attend the Women's Day Red Dress Awards because if there's one thing this country needs it's another awards show. KNEEL BEFORE EMPRESS D

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Izabel Goulart Likes 'em Greasy

I just learned that Izabel Goluart exists so I rushed to my computer to tell you guys about it. Even though I skimmed it for 10 or 20 seconds I didn't see any thing in the the original story about where she was going or why but you know what? I don't really care all that much. She was with her "boyfriend" though (no known images). Just imagine a guy that drives a car that looks like this and you'll be pretty much right on the money. Give me a call me Izabel, that guy's a dork.

Monday, February 5, 2018

Cardi B is Still Famous for a While

Cardi B was at the Maxim Super Bowl party with her boyfriend that is evidently named Offset of Migos(?) Whatever you say chief. If you say that's your name, who am I to argue?  Is that your space outfit you're wearing? I like the way his "Super Fly Pimp Jacket" goes with his gym shoes. You can't stop looking at his shoes now can you. That's the plan you know, he'll distract us with his shoes while the rest of his invading army makes their way from the Planet Migos to take over our oxygen rich world. You'll never take me alive to work in your tobacco fields, evil space invaders.

Saturday, February 3, 2018

Cameron Diaz is Crazy About Shopping

SL/Terma/BACKGRID
Cameron Diaz was photographed while running errands on Friday looking pretty much exactly like this lady that used to live on the corner of my street that would cut her lawn with scissors. They eventually committed her to a state facility and - shocker of shockers - she was a hoarder too and her house was declared unfit for human habitation, taken away, sold and rebuilt after being pretty much gutted to nothing but a shell. Enjoy your Jell-O pudding cups Cameron.

Kelly Clarkson is a Hero

Kelly Clarkson posted a video of her (herself?) eating a habanero pepper on her Instagram for one of those dumb challenges that pop up every six months or so. Later in the day she posted videos of her eating lots, and lots of other things too. Five hamburgers, four gallons of ice cream 8 French Bread pizzas and two squirrels she cornered in the parking lot. Not for any challenge or anything but just because that seems to be what she does.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Melissa Gilbert is a Hero

 Melissa Gilbert did an interview with First For Women magazine and she talks about having all of her plastic surgeries etc. undone...
 'I had my breast implants removed and I'm no longer doing fillers or Botox because I'm a 53-year-old woman and I'm trying to embrace this process of aging.'
She first revealed in 2015 she had her implants removed. 
She added: 'I'm grateful to my body for holding up through some major health issues and serious surgeries.'
 The picture above, by the way, is her in 2005, and the one on the right is her today. Still pretty if you ask me. Anyway I have only one question. Why? You have the money and the technology exists, why not look as good as possible for as long as possible? What could possibly be the objection to that? I don't understand at all. I mean okay, if you're doing it for others I can see why you might not want to do that, but if you don't like your nose or your boobs and you want to change them, and you have the resources, why wouldn't you? I will never understand but hey it's her body if she's happy in it than that's really all that matters.

 I of course think about plastic surgery all the time. Not for myself of course because I look pretty damn good. But if the time comes man I'm going down swinging. You can keep your high moral tone, because they'll bury me with perfect hair and teeth.

Keanu Reeves is Daring

This picture is supposedly (it's not) of Keanu Reeves doing this stunt for Squarespace in their ad that's set to air during the Super Bowl. The inset picture is Indian Larry. Get where I'm going with this? Of course not, you don't know who Indian Larry is, why would you? He was a motorcycle builder who died a few years back while doing the same stunt. He fell off the bike, hit his head on the ground and it was lights out. I won't even watch the Super Bowl so I guess who cares. Keanu Reeves is a terrible actor I don't know know why he's still famous. He's like Nicolas Cage. He was in one movie I liked and in Hollywood I guess that's a good track record. I'm starting to ramble now so anyway be careful Keanu don't hurt yourself I guess or whatever.