Thursday, May 31, 2012

Great Preparation Kathy

Former cruise pitch woman, (she was hot right?) and talk show robot - and I'm sure she did some other stuff too I'm just not exactly sure what - decided to ask Martin Short how his lovely wife was doing, to which Martin replied "skeletonizing". No I'm pretty sure he didn't, but he could have because Kathy didn't bother to find out that she's been dead for two years.

You and Nancy have one of the greatest marriages of anybody in show business. How many years now for you guys?'
Confused, Short replied: 'We... have... married ... 36 years.'
'But you are still like, in love,'Gifford went on, prompting Martin to proffer: 'Madly in love, madly in love.'
'Why?' a smiling Gifford said, continuing the exchange.
'Cute, I'm cute,' Martin replied, before Kotb jovially interjected: 'That is true.'

If you read just that exchange, and nothing else, like I did, I think you could safely assume that Martin Short keeps his dead  wife in her wedding dress in a closet in their house. Maybe Kathy Lee Gifford really tripped him up and forced him to answer some uncomfortable questions, and her subsequent apology for asking that question was merely because she felt bad for blowing Shorts' cover. Hey what do you expect from Hollywood. It's the Land of the Weirdo.

Broke Because of Strippers?

 Do you remember the TV show 'Small Wonder' that ran in the mid  80's about that little girl that was a robot or super hero or detective or something? No? I don't either. She had a monotone voice so I think that signified she was a robot, but whatever. Well  the other kid on that show, Jerry Supiran,  is apparently broke now and living under a bridge somewhere....

When I was 18, I dated a stripper and she took what was left of my trust fund - then one of my advisers stole a half-million dollars from me. I've worked at different steakhouses for the last 15 years, but two years ago I was laid off from a restaurant in Henderson, Nevada, due to the economy. I haven't been able to find a job since."... So I either sleep at the homeless shelter I volunteer at, or under a local bridge."

 Poor chump. That sucks. But if you're gonna get involved with strippers you should probably know a few things. First, they only like you for your money, second, they usually won't tell you their real names, and they definitely won't see you outside of the club. Except for Raven. She swears that all that is going to be different for me and it's all because of the flowers I send and the hundreds of dollars I give her for her sick mother every week. Hey ex-wife! Who's stupid now?

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I'm Make Some Money!

One of the degenerate retards from Jersey Shore is getting a chance to make still more money off of the brain damaged imbeciles that watch their show....

DelVecchio hopes to re-create the success of Bethenny Frankel's Skinnygirl Cocktails with Remix, a premixed vodka concoction to be marketed as a “pregame” beverage for the club-hopping set. To that end, DelVecchio, 31, has partnered with David Kanbar, co-founder of Skinnygirl, and brought out of retirement Tom Bruno, formerly of Sidney Frank Importing Co., which counts Grey Goose among its top shelf brands.
This really is a no brainer.  They just have to market it the right way. Especially to the kind of knuckle heads that watch these idiots. You just sell one that already comes infused with your favorite date rape drug! 'GHB Explosion' tastes like cherry, and 'Robo Party!' - the one with Roofies - tastes exactly like lemons! How would I know what date rape drugs taste like? Shut up that's how.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

A Hennessey? Sounds Classy!

Frog faced idiot Steven Tyler spent $1.1 million dollars on that stupid looking car.

 If you ask me it looks he spent about $1 million too much.
Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler just took delivery of the world's fastest convertible. The Hennessey Venom GT Spyder will accelerate to 200mph in 15.9 seconds, eight seconds faster than a Bugatti Veyron. Tyler was the first person to ask if he could have his without a top.

 Like I always say, if you want to show the world you have class, just make sure you pay too much for something that has the name "Hennessy" on it because that doesn't sound ghetto at all. Hey next time, why not try to buy a Cristal Viper? Or how about one of these?  If Steven wants to spend a million dollars on something maybe he should try buying some of his dignity back.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Oh That's Original

Already? Apparently this has been spotted in California. That didn't take long. It's good to see the American Left is as creative as ever. I remember a certain someone that was an actual leftist vegetarian, animal loving socialist type from a while back... What was his name...?

Saturday, May 26, 2012

WTF Is Wrong With the Japanese?

Is this story real? This story cannot be real...

Mao Sugiyama had his penis and testicles surgically removed in March and kept them frozen for two months before dishing them out – seasoned and braised – to customers at an event hall on May 13, according to postings on his Twitter account and local police. Diners paid 20,000 yen ($250) for the plate with a portion of genitals. Pictures published on a website appeared to show the meal came complete with mushrooms and a parsley garnish.
 Did everybody in Japan suddenly decide that Human Centipedes weren't disgusting enough? Is this all because of that nuclear reactor explosion? What is wrong with them?

By the way, I used that Kristen Bell picture for two reasons. Number 1, I would set a bag full of puppies on fire just to be able to touch her hair, and B. you don't want to type "Chopped Off Penis" into Google images with the safe search turned off. Trust me.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

The Sexiest Woman I've ever Seen

 I suddenly have strange feelings this morning. Could it be love? I bet it is. I won't let you come between me and my woman!

According to BRW 2012 rich 200 list, Ms. Rinehart’s net worth is now $29.7 billion. That tops Ms. Walton’s $26 billion pile. Ms. Rinehart’s fortune has nearly tripled over the past year – at the rate of more than $1 million per hour

Sometimes it's not all about looks, or how someone dresses, or their personality or sense of humor. Sometimes it's about the things you can't really see. Like the $29 billion dollars they have in the bank. Oh sure you could call me an unscrupulous man-whore, or a gigolo, or even a disgusting human being, but you better yell it because I won't be able to hear you over the Lamborghini with the blower, and lift kit, and machine guns on the front that I'll be driving past you at 195 miles an hour.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

What Happened to Nicole Eggert?

 Hey! I remember the Nicole Eggert on the left. The one on the right? Not so much. I imagine that back pack is stuffed with Oreo Cookies, and those fried chicken breast sandwiches they sell at KFC.

See? This is what happens to you when you start squirting out a bunch of kids, and stop caring. I bet her husband is thrilled. Way to ruin my day Daily Mail. Let the excuses begin!

'You know how Hollywood is. When you go on auditions and you look great and gorgeous and then they say you look old, that’s a bit of a kicker.
'On anybody else the weight gain wouldn’t have been as noticeable.
'She wasn’t really that heavy, but she was on Baywatch and everyone expected her to still be that. She’s not 18 anymore.'
The weight wouldn't have been noticeable on anyone else? Who? Gabourey Sidibe? But the source is right, she's not 18 anymore. She's 40.  Gee that's really over the hill. You know who else isn't 18 anymore? Sandra Bullock (Turns 48 in July). Jennifer Aniston (turned 43 in February) Gina Gershon (50 in June) Mira Sorvino (She shockingly turns 45 in September, and has three or four kids). Oh and here's Raquel Welch before she turns seventy two in a few months. I suppose your next question would be would I do it with a 72 year old? The short answer to that would be yes. The long answer to that would be yes please. What kind of question is that? What are you. Some kind of pervert?