Mason Mount and Freya Tidy are Amazing

 Some guy named Mason Mount (yeah sure) Has a girlfriend named Freya Tidy and oh my god who fucking cares. He's a 25 year old soccer player and she's 21. Huzzah! I only wrote this because the source story described her as a "former McDonald's worker turned model". 

She worked at McDonald's when she was 16.When I was 14 or maybe 15 I worked at Baskin-Robbins 31 Flavors.  It was my first job. So it's nice to know if I manage to somehow change the world they'll describe me as the former ice cream parlor worker. Also she's called a model because she posts pictures of herself wearing bikinis on Instagram, and that's all she posts. Pictures of herself. Dead eyed pictures of her staring off into the middle distance without a single thought in her head other than what she'll wear next.  I scrolled her account for as long as I could stand it and it appears she has no interests outside of herself. Which is fine, you go girl.

Maybe she's really very nice, or maybe her dad is a billionaire and she's in charge of a foundation she started with his money rescuing abandoned animals and protecting baby birds. Or maybe I make shit up on my head to try to make these vapid, soulless people easier for me to stomach so I can continue this asinine hobby.

Billie Eilish is Gay. Now.

Hey everyone Billie Eilish is suddenly gay now. What a shocking development. I've never heard even the remotest mention about her sexuality until just this minute. What a coincidence this all is. If a fad started where people began describing themselves as Mr. Snuffleupagus, tomorrow afternoon half of you people would show up to school or work wearing a purple elephant trunk on your face. Don't any of you ever have even a single independent, original thought? 

Well... it's starting to look like I need to take another week off from this

Naomi Watts Works It

 Naomi Watts went to the gym and then talked about her workout routine and then her skincare routine and oh my god who the fuck cares. I do however, want you to realize that Naomi Watts is 55 years old. I just want you to remember that when I tell you this is what a 55 year old looked like in 1980.  As far as I'm concerned there's nothing wrong with either one, but I'm super weird and it's mostly a style thing anyway.  But let's face it Naomi Watts is smokin', and she easily competes with ant 28 year old reading this. Plus she isn't 28 years old so that's even better.

She is Australian though and it's a bit of a problem for me. More on that some other time

There was one other gym picture but they both include her "trainer" and he looked like he was in worse shape than me so I think he has a lot of nerve calling himself a trainer and I'm not having some doughy guy stinking up my blog. So in conclusion I'll send you guys an invitation for when me and Naomi get married.

Sydney Sweeney in Red

 I haven't written about Sydney Sweeney in a couple of days so thank God she went on vacation to Hawaii and rode around in a Jeep in a bikini, but I actually didn't like any of those pictures though so I used this one instead. I still say for reasons I can't put my finger on she reminds me of a 1930s' gun moll. And if you think that's an insult you don't know me at all. Yikes.

What I will say is, finally Hollywood and the media picked a Hollywood "It Girl" I can really get behind. I mean an It Girl that I can really mount on a pedestal. Wait that sounds bad too. How about.. an It Girl I'd like to have sex with. There that's much better. Hey remember when the newest "It Girl" was Amber Heard? Haha! Those were the days

JENNIFER ANISTON FRIENDS REUNION

 Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston went to an Iron Maiden concert last weekend, no of course I'm kidding it was some restaurant, and every time they do this everyone calls it a "mini Friends reunion". I don't know what the occasion was because every time I see the phrase "mini Friends reunion" I stop reading, but they have to call these events something to get you dullards reading and clicking and you all seem to love Friends, so maybe there's your answer. And even though it features Jennifer Aniston, I'd say over the course of my entire life I've seen maybe 10 minutes of Friends in total and it's way, WAY to sitcomy for me. 

I usually love women with short hair but I'm officially begging Jennifer to do something else with hers. Grow it out, shave it off, dye it blue (which sounds like a great idea actually), I honestly don't care what you do just something other than what she's doing now. Anyway, I hope they had fun three days ago.

Camila Cobello is a Poser

 Camila Cobello joined every other B-List shit-head and played dress up to go to Coachella. This will be the only time I mention Coachella as I have zero idea why anyone makes such a big deal out of this. Going to any kind of music festival seems... outdated? It just seems like a weird thing to do in 2024. It's also possible that I'm getting old but I doubt that's it. If a music festival had anyone playing that I had any interest in seeing, and tickets weren't $480 for one day, I would probably go. But I'm not paying $1000 for two tickets to go watch a 35 minute set by "Sandy Duncan's Eye" while surrounded by 17 year olds and Camila Cobello, no thanks.

Jennifer Lopez is a White Night

 Jennifer Lopez put on a tight white dress and went for a "mom's night out" whatever that is. It's funny there's no mention of her husband lately, what's that guy's name? Oh right Ben Affleck. I bet she forgot too. I hope she had a good time considering nobody is buying her album, or tickets for her "world tour".  I've been saying for years that these two (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez), should take their money and retire to a fancy cabin in the woods somewhere. It's not going to get better for them from here. 

At this point who remembers Jennifer Lopez? People that watch The View and think that women still need to be "empowered" that's who, even though women run 76% of the Human Resources departments, are in charge of most colleges,  and even head up  most of Hollywood now.  

Well either way I'm going to avoid writing about Jennifer Lopez going forward. Mostly because she's boring and really nobody cares any more

Go Back to the Machine

 Yeah he's right. despite what all of the replies say, because they don't know anything, trust me. I've been saying this for three years now. You should all be back in the office. I can't believe we're even having this discussion in mid-2024. 97% of you simply aren't built to be working on your own. You all need to be herded back into those buildings like the mindless cattle you are, so you can be paid to answer emails or read spreadsheets while wearing khakis and a golf shirt or whatever the fuck you do, while some office manager named April, or Beth, or Mark keeps an eye on you. My neighbor "works from home" and he spends all day walking his dog up and down the street. I don't even know what he does, but I hope it isn't designing airplanes, or bridges. 

You all have a herd mentality. It's not really as bad as I make it sound, we need you, the way some flowers need ants so they can blossom. But it's also why you'll cheer for college basketball teams that play for schools you didn't attend, or baseball teams from cities where you don't live. It's why traffic slows to a crawl to look at the shiny blinking lights that act like some weird beacon to you, while some cop gives a guy a ticket for posting crap on Facebook while driving. It's simply how you are. It defines your very existence. And it's okay. Accept it.

And the real fact of the matter is, it takes a special kind of person to be isolated at home like that. It's something innate that you can't really develop. Plus it takes years and years of practice. How do I know this? Because for most of my adult working life I owned my own businesses and I know what it means to work alone. I know it means that my very survival depends on me being motivated to actually work as opposed to watching 1970s era Match Game on the Game Show Channel while you occasionally move the computer mouse back and forth so the ever watching Eye in the Sky doesn't get you fired for non-performance.  

So I've had co-workers, and I've had no co-workers, and for me, no co-workers is best, as I am absolutely incapable of being a team player. And believe me I tried. I want to be normal like you. But I've been working "from home" since quite literally the early 2000s, and I know from experience that most of you aren't qualified for that. It's really that simple. 

Going "to the office", whether it's in a building or in a farm field, or building pyramids, it's how humans have worked since humans existed, and certainly how they've worked for the last 200 years. 

It's not your fault that you're a cog in the machine, it's how you were raised. By your parents, your family, and by school.  So you should go out there and be the best cog in the machine you can be, because the machine needs cogs so it can function. 

You should actually feel very proud. So get on that train or sit in traffic for 90 minutes on the way to your cubicle and go get 'em tiger

Zendaya is Gorgeous Question Mark

 I wasn't going to write about Zendaya anymore but someone draped a dress over a broom handle during the after party for the new movie she's in - which I already forgot the name of - and called it gorgeous and so here we are. 

Gorgeous? Let's not get carried away. 

I don't know why they're pushing this woman on us so hard, especially since no one has ever seen one of her movies as far as I know. I mean, I kind of do, but I'm not saying it out loud so I'll let you decide for yourself. I just want you to keep in mind that the internet isn't real and almost nothing you read here translates at all to the outside world.

Sienna Miller was Pregnant

 Sienna Miller had a baby like, three months ago but you'd never know it. I guess being a new mother at 42 years old officially makes her a MILF. Do they get a badge or something?

I assume it was with that nerd next to her. Seriously I give up. Babes like Sienna Miller are pumping out kids with guys that look like they spent yesterday stuffed in a locker and meanwhile I'm over here changing a tire with one hand and rescuing a baby squirrel with the other and Sydney Sweeney won't even return my letters. What does it take? Being far less muscular? Being more feminine? Taking up sewing? Sorry baby that ain't my style.

Zendaya is Somebody. I think.

 Zendaya is still walking around in this white dress like she has been for like nine days, that certain celebrity sites can't stop talking about. They also keep calling her "the Dune actress" like anyone knows what Dune is. She's also promoting a new movie called Challenger? I have no idea. Her co-stars were there too... Mike Faist, and Josh O'Connor? Wow it's like a who's who of who cares.

Zendaya seems like she's famous to people under 25 and that's about it. The one group of people that have no money to actually see movies. But the kids do love her so maybe that's why they keep putting her in movies adults over 30 have never heard of. 

By the way this picture is from Italy where people outside the cities still live in shacks with their farm animals. A lot of people in the US don't realize like 76% of the world still lives that way. That's why you see those videos of people carrying sheep and chickens on the back of motorcycles. My friend is a first generation American whose family came from Greece. You guys don't see it on the Travel Channel, but it's still 1940 there. Frankly I'm surprised they even have TV in Italy.

Rihanna Starts to Swell with Pride

 Rihanna had her picture taken in bed while she ate french fries. Pretty cool huh? I'm sure it was an add for "comfortware" or whatever they sell you disgusting slobs that go shopping at WalMart in PJs. One thing I will tell her is she's pushing 40, and eating french fries in bed is a very bad idea because at 40 your metabolism gets turned off like somebody threw a switch. You can already see it happening in that picture. You can save your "She's a Kween" and "She looks healthy" bullshit for someone else, and admit she looks like she's spent the weekend eating salty beef sandwiches, drinking Hennessy and retaining water like a camel

 Rihanna is one of those people that never seems to stop being famous, I don't even know what she does anymore, and yet she's all over the websites aimed at mouth breathing imbeciles with a Hummel collection on a wooden shelf in their kitchen. Whatever I don't care go buy your Rihanna underwear and have a nice life.

OJ Simpson Dies

 OJ Simpson died of cancer. Did it chop his head off? Who knows, maybe an autopsy will find the real killer

BRITNEY SPEARS NUDE

 

 Britney Spears went to a nude beach and took some pictures. They didn't mention where this nude beach was, or even if it technically is a nude beach,  but at this point I'm not sure if Britney Spears cares either way. 

 If she was 22, experience tells me you should avoid her at all costs because this kind of behavior is going to cause you nothing but grief, ask me how I know. But she's not 22, she's nearly twice that and in her 40s now and yeah this is pretty much what you want at this point in your life. I'm not going to explain it because I can't but you'll find out what I mean.

Aoki Lee Simmons has a Boyfriend

 Aoki Lee Simmons, 21 has a new boyfriend Vittorio Assaf 65. Women are so fucking weird. Most people would say that the only thing a 21 year old would see in a 65 year old guy is money, but the fact is, she's music "mogul" Russel Simmons' daughter so there's a pretty good chance she actually has more money than he does so explain that.

 I honestly can't figure out what any guy over 40 - or really even 30 - would want with some 21 year old kid. Have you ever talked to a 21 year old? No sex is worth that. They're horrible. Vittorio was also married to Swedish model Charlotte Bonstrom and she's 10 times hotter that Aoki Simmons and also twice her age. Also she has a twin sister so if you're going to be a pig, why not just move between the two? I'm totally baffled. Why should I go to the gym, and watch what I eat and dress as sexy as I do when all the hot chicks will just flock to that fat old potato with legs anyway? I just do not get it

I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm losing my way here. Whatever the case may be the age gap doesn't bother me, they're both adults yes even at 21. Would I date a 21 year old? Probably not. There are the occasional unicorns that you meet that are normal but they're so rare and probably almost non-existent in 2024. 

Russel Simmons and his wife or ex-wife or whatever she is seem to be upset about this little dalliance but I'll be honest it's probably fake outrage. Hollywood, and celebrity types exist in their own reality so I'd bet anything they don't really care and are just saying that because it's good PR. 

 

 

Site Update

 I'm working on it I'll have stuff later today. By the way here's Elizabeth Hurley

Jennifer Lopez I Hardly Knew You

 They said this was Jennifer Lopez but something about it seems off. I think that's an idealized AI generated version of Jennifer Lopez. I know she looks hot most of the time but... I don't know it's weird and kind of unsettling. Sort of like a photographic Turing test. Is it real? Or is it a computer. Honestly, I think that's what Jennifer Lopez thinks Jennifer Lopez looks like.

Shakira is the Queen of Ages

Shakira has a new boyfriend, his name is Who Cares. The only reason I'm even writing about this is he's 31 and she's nearly 50 years old yet I haven't seen anyone mention their age gap. I wonder why that is. It's pretty swiftly pointed out by a lot of people when the genders are reversed, but now suddenly it's all "yassss kween" and "you go gurl" or whatever you dummies blurt out when you're drunk. I've said here probably 100 times that any difference in age is meaningless to me, especially since most of the time these people are well into adulthood. 

Anyway, I hope they have fun before she gets sent to prison for tax evasion.  Wait I just read that I guess she isn't going to jail. Shit there goes all those women in prison fantasies I made up in my head just now
 

Holly Madison was in Playboy... In 2005

 Holly Madison - a woman that was in Playboy Magazine 20 years ago in 2005 - says she was pressured to post nudes on OnlyFans 

'In the interactions and the DMs, you would always get those regular fans who start saying, "Why don’t you do this in the photos?" or "Why don’t you do that?"' she said.

'I wasn’t going to go there, but I can imagine how, if you feel like you need the money, there could be that pressure to push that boundary.'

So my question is this... What?  Do I not know how OnlyFans works? I though sexual content was the whole idea? If not X-Rated then at least Hard-R. I've never visited OnlyFans so maybe I'm missing something, or I don't know how it works. And some of the women I've seen that have OnlyFans accounts make Holly Madison look like one of the guys from Hogan's Heroes so if you aren't posting nudes, why are they there? 

By the way my friend Jenny was in Playboy, and not only that, her pictorial was a lot bigger than Holly's and she's just a mom with a husband and two kids now that just gets up every day and goes to work like an average person. She isn't complaining about people pressuring her for nudes because they send her $50 a month for what seems to be no real reason

Emma Hernan's Skeleton is Sub-Par

 Someone put a bikini on Selling Sunset "star" Emma Hernan's skeleton. I don't know why they'd do that but I think kids today are still eating soap, so who knows what's going through their minds at any given moment. 

I've heard the phrase "Selling Sunset" before, But I'm not sure if it's a US or UK thing. Probably the UK since they seem way, way dumber over there. It could be a show about young, skeletal hookers being sold to aging boomers in retirement communities? It's as good a theory as any I've heard so far

 

Having Sex with Sabrina Carpenter

 Sabrina Carpenter reveals her number one sex tip. I haven't read the story yet, and honestly I probably never will, but I bet her number one tip is; have sex with Sabrina Carpenter. I don't know who she is but if she wants to test to see if this theory holds up I'm willing to try.

!!BREAKING JENNIFER ANISTON/SANDRA BULLOCK NEWS!!

 Two multi-multi- millionaire women in their late 50s were seen leaving a plastic surgeon's office. Why? No one has said. Who cares? Nobody. Honestly the only thing this picture is missing are a couple of really tiny dogs. I know 28 year olds that are injecting their lips with whatever they inject lips with, getting Botox, and God only knows what else, and that's totally fine. I've said it before and I'll say it again. If I had the money so much of me would be fake you'd think I was a robot

With or without plastic surgery, I would let either one of these two do whatever they wanted to me for their own disgusting sexual gratification. You here that Jennifer? How about you Sandra? Maybe both all at once? Hey now there's an idea.

 

 

Yeeehaw Queen

 

Beyonce is a country music artist now? I guess? Why would she do that? I don't want to be overly dramatic but this is a living nightmare. You're on your own with this ridiculousness because if you think I didn't like Beyonce's music before just imagine how I feel now

Diddy Wars! Now With Hookers! (allegedly)

 

 There's some kind of weird war of words between 50 Cent, his prostitute wife (allegedly) and Diddy. But there isn't a chance in the world I'm deciphering any of this shit from these terrible people, so I linked the original story if you hate your brain.

 I thought the whole flat-billed baseball hat-take my picture on a yacht trend came to an end about 15 years ago but I guess not. 

And In an even more  shocking turn of events I've actually written about that hooker before. Here here here and here.  Remember Jason Derulo? No? Of course not. Why would you. Anyway, she evidently graduated from the Kardashian School of Dating. Just bounce from rapper to rapper until you can buy a really nice car and move to Miami. 

What is it with Miami and these idiots. I lived in Miami and it's awful, I do not get it. It's always 100 degrees, even in the winter, the air is always like a steam room and everything is constantly wet. It rains every single day, and you sweat just walking from your house to your car. It's like Vietnam without the war. There was a puddle in front of my house for so long, it had tadpoles in it. The moisture in the air even makes the food and milk taste bad and I haven't even gotten to the crime and the way people in Florida drive yet. 

We need to wall that place off so these people can never leave

Larsa Pippen is a Walking Crisis

 Larsa Pippen is apparently famous for something other than being married to 1990s Chicago Bulls player Scottie Pippen but I'm honestly not sure for what.  I don't understand why some people are trying to inject this woman into our lives, but they're allowing a soon to be 50 year old to behave like a 20 year old Instagram influencer for what, money? It's just totally lost on me. 

Is it because she divorced Scottie Pippen and then dated Michael Jordan's 33 year old son? So the fuck what, the guy is 33 years old. It's not like she's picking him up from school or something. What kind of 50 year old woman walks around in a sparkly mini-dress that's better suited for a 21 year old that's going to an all inclusive New Year's Eve party at the Hilton in Rosemont? Grow up.

Listen, I'm a big supporter of people doing and dressing how they want but I'm so sick of this trash celebrity culture that I'm beginning to snap. Think of it this way. If that was a 50 year old man running around in those jeans with the stitching on the back pockets, dyed jet black hair, a Corvette, and a girlfriend that was (almost) 20 years younger than he was you'd laugh at him and call him nasty names. Why does she - or they - get a pass? Because she has tits? And on top of it all, she's seven beers attractive at best. 

I don't know man, every day doing this fades further and further into my past. Do I blame Larsa Pippen? Not her specifically no, but I do blame the hundreds of Larsa Pippens I see on social media every day. 

Sacha Baron Cohen is an Ahole

 Rebel Wilson has declared Sacha Baron Cohen to be a "gigantic asshole" and it surprises me that anyone needs to read that in a book, just look at the guy. People on the internet think he's some kind of comedic genius because of Borat and Ali G but it's juts because they have brain damage. Just looking at the guy sets off alarm bells, but maybe it's just me. Maybe he's like the Three Stooges. Maybe you either love him or you don't. Hey, Rebel Wilson could also be a gigantic asshole and she probably is. Maybe Sacha can write a book about it and trick people into buying it, wouldn't that be funny?

Sydney Sweeny is Smokin

 Sydney Sweeney is certainly attractive. Would I say she's as hot as a porn star? Not to her face I wouldn't. They said she was out "doing press" - whatever the fuck that means - for something but who cares she's like a goddamn Roman statue. I'm even ignoring the fact that she's 26 years old and not 36. She's unnaturally hot for a 26 year old. Okay I can already feel this starting to veer off in a bad direction. 

!!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!!

I'm letting it be known right now that I don't believe she's 26 years old. I don't know why I think that, but I do and I've been right before.

Site Update

 I didn't really have time today to be looking for stuff to write about, I have a long work day ahead of me but maybe as the day goes on something will pop up. See you tomorrow. Maybe

Chrissy Teigen is Awful

 The Daily Mail is still talking about alcoholic, mean girl bully Chrissy Teiegn who told a 17 year old to kill herself.  Nice right? At one point in this article they call Chrissy Teigen a "37 year old", and then later they call her 38 years old. My guess is she's closer to somewhere around 43 years old but I wasn't the person that wrote the pointless story about this shitty "human being".
 

Her "husband", Emmanuel Lewis,or whatever his name is, is also mentioned in the story but as far as I know he only records standards from the 1940s and Christmas albums so who gives a shit. These two are the worst type of people you can imagine and for Hollywood, that's really saying something

Lizzo Update

 !!!!SHOCKING UPDATE!!!! This is one of those stories I wrote, probably on Friday and then promptly forgot about so lucky for me I already have almost half of my Monday posts ready to go!


I haven't heard anything about Lizzo for a while, maybe she was hibernating and now Spring is here and so she finally woke up and dragged herself out of her den. I'm not sure why you'd risk diabetes, heart attack and/or a paralyzing or fatal stroke to make yourself appealing to the 15% of the non-walrus population that finds this attractive, but I'm a big freedom guy so knock yourself out. Hey remember when she played that flute? Oh boy those were the days weren't they?

Margot Robie Wins the Dunce Award

 (I actually wrote this yesterday I think) Margot Robbie was at the Vanity Fair after party which would explain why the Kardashian clan was hanging around, I guess they weren't at the actual Academy Awards. My bad, as the kids say. 

Margot Robbie was invited because she was in Barbie and also they needed someone to stand around looking like a deer in headlights and I think the planners made a wise choice. Where's your mask, dumbo.

Kim Kardashian is 43 (?)

 Kylie Jenner's sister or cousin or whoever the fuck she is, Kim Kardashian was also at the Academy Awards for some baffling reason. They said she was 43 years old which would be about the fifth year I've heard her described as 43 years old. But they could be right. Good for her though. I hope there were enough basketball players and rappers to go around for her and Kylie so they wouldn't get bored

Kylie Jenner Melts in Your Mouth

 For reasons no one makes clear, Kylie Jenner was at the Academy Awards. Maybe it's just her wax figure someone dragged onto the red carpet. What a horrible spectacle this thing is every year, I can't believe they still do this. And inviting these empty vessels is really bottom of the barrel stuff if you ask me.

Julia Fox is Nobody

 Developmentally disabled "actress" Julia Fox showed up at Paris Fashion Week looking like this for some reason. She'll never be anything but a weird "hanger on". Forever a name dropper on the periphery of true fame.  And yet people write about her, even me. I absolutely refuse to do any further research about her but I can guarantee with almost 100% certainty that she's a trust fund baby with a father that owns a string of hospitals, and a drunken mother that has affairs with their household staff. Allegedly. 

If that sounds oddly specific it's because I actually knew a person exactly like that and they're all fucked in the head, and they all behave exactly like her. Having money does horrible things to people's brains.

Julia got "famous" for dating/fucking Kanye West for like two weeks three years ago and yet here she is, taking up space on one of the biggest most popular celebrity gossip websites that exists today. The other one, not this one. And what does she offer the world except for a bad Lady Gaga circa 2006 impersonation? Nothing. 

Miley Cyrus Gets Better

 I haven't written about Miley Cyrus in a long time because who cares. These last couple of years all famous people have blurred into some kind of massive blob where I can't tell one from the other. TikTok, Instagram, X, etc., have made so many people famous who really even cares anymore, you can't keep track of them. Here today gone later today.  I just wanted I mostly just wanted to say I like her dress and she gets better looking as she gets older. Even though she's only 31 - younger than Taylor Swift by the way - which to me seems extremely hard to believe but okay whatever. I'm tired of arguing about it. 

She obviously has fans even though I think I can name maybe one song she does so I hope she doesn't get up on stage and do that one song over and over while her tongue is hanging out but these days what with the internet and you people getting stupider every day she probably does and you don't even notice.

Drea de Matteo Gets Rich

Drea de Matteo started an OnlyFans account and basically won the lottery.She had $10 in her bank account and got desperate. It's just like a hit movie. Of course internet teenagers have a problem with all of this so she talked about that part of it

Anybody that wants to condemn me and put me down, go for it. I just hope you never find yourself in the position I was in to take care of two little kids.

'It saved my home of many years that was very important to us. And beyond all that, it has given me enough money to start up and finance ULTRAFREE.'

I don't know what Ultrafree is so if you want to know click here I'm sure somebody that cares will explain it to you. 

I don't get the objections to women that start OnlyFans accounts, and at first I thought there was something wrong with me because of that. But after some careful thought I decided no, I'm not the one with the problem, you are. If you don't like it don't sign up to look at her pictures or whatever she posts there. That seems pretty simple to me. And not everyone cares what you think about everything so pipe down junior if you don't want to watch an attractive Italian girl take off her clothes I'd suggest the problem is you.

Richard Lewis Died

 Richard Lewis died. Yesterday, I think. I thought he died eight years ago but that was Garry Shandling. On the plus side he can stop worrying about dying now

Chloe Meadows Wants Marriage (to me)

 Chloe Meadows is some reality star in Britain, which I will never not be amazed that reality television shows are still such big business in the UK. Whatever, mush brain, if that's what you want to watch go for it. Anyway, I think the show is called "Who Will Bob Marry Next". In case you're wondering, it's her. They say she's 32 years old and I used to tell girls my name was Ritchie Blackmore. 

I'm not linking the source story because that would be like sleeping with a garbage can next to you in bed, plus there were pictures of the guys that were also on this show and I'm not having those standard issue "bros" stinking up the place. There's only one rooster in this hen house and that's me baby.

Amanda Holden is Boring

I haven't written about Amanda Holden in a while. mostly because she's super boring, and nobody outside of Britain except for me knows who she is. It was her 53rd birthday so to celebrate she went to the beach and walked in ankle deep water so she wouldn't get wet and mess up her hair and make up. She looks good in red. I guess. I can't figure out anything else to say about her. 

I think single women - and men - are about to find out that normal people don't want to hang around with people that do nothing but post pictures of themselves on the internet

Kylie Jenner Beep Boop

Kylie Jenner still looks like what people in 1983 thought a robot faced, latex sex doll would look like. I'll bet the sex doll has a better personality. I haven't been here for like a week and this is what I come back too. 

See, this is why I haven't been here for a week. It's all Jennifer Lopez, Saweetie and a somewhat lifelike latex sex doll. You people really are pathetic.

Saweetie Sees Red

 Saweeite (or whatever the fuck her name is) put on her best red dress, her spider eyelashes and her MS-13 hair and went out to dinner. They didn't say where she went but I'll bet she didn't leave anybody a tip.

Sami Sheen is Extreme (ly average)

 Good news everybody! Charlie Sheen's daughter Sami just turned 19 and decided to begin her big journey to fame. I'll link her Instagram account here in case you want to know what a girl that went to senior prom last year thinks about stuff. I don't know who she paid to get the original source story written about her but I bet it's expensive

If you don't feel like clicking that link I already took the bullet for you and scrolled her entire 50 post account. It's 100% pictures of her. No hobbies, no cool trees or dogs, just her. She doesn't work on cars, ride motorcycles, go on treasure hunts.. nothing she just takes pictures of herself. And she seems extremely average. I think I saw one picture of her with one friend. But she's 19 so with an average lifespan of around 80 years I guess we're going to be seeing her by herself on various beaches for the next 60 years so that's good news.

Travis Speaks Out

 Oh good! I was just wondering what someone with an IQ of 58 thought about this stuff

Nobody Cares About Jessica Simpson

 Jessica Simpson put on a sparkly dress and went on a date with her husband (name unknown) and I really have to find a new hobby because this is pathetic. Who the fuck could possibly care about this, I just do not get it at all

Amy Schumer Swells with Pride

 Amy Schumer talked about her swollen face...

"Yeah I'm kind of fat what do you expect"

No she didn't really say that. No one cares about Amy Schumer's face. Maybe in the whole wide world let's say 100,000 people actually give a shit about Amy Schumer's face, and I'm being extremely generous. Out of EIGHT BILLION people alive, MAYBE in all seriousness a couple hundred thousand even really remember who Amy Schumer is. Thirty years ago none of us would even know this was taking place but thanks to the internet and social media etc you people who normally don't have lives, hobbies, or a connection to the outside world, suddenly have a way to let your voice be heard. And they use it to talk about Amy Schumer.

But of course Amy made this about the fact that she's a woman, instead of a person with a balloon face. Anyway, I'm sick of writing about this already there's a link up there if you give a shit about Amy Schumer's face and if you do I suggest you go outside and take a walk. Look at some squirrels, pet a dog, life is short

Rolling Stone Magazine Sucks

 "We'd honestly be surprised if they could name a movie she's done since Twilight"? Yeah, I'd be pretty surprised if anyone could but it's Rolling Stone, one of the most out of touch publications on Earth, so it figures they don't know anything. 

Remember when Rolling Stone lied about someone being raped and they had to delete the whole story and got sued? 

Remember when Rolling Stone lied about hospitals being overwhelmed by people taking Ivermectin? 

So okay grandpa, if you're still going to Rolling Stone for news and opinion about anything you need to put down your bong, take off your headband and have your brain examined.

Travis Kelce a Real Bros Bro

  

 

People are upset Travis Kelce got drunk at a Super Bowl thing? C'mon man, that guy is the bro-iest bro alive, you can tell just by looking at him. He probably thinks "The Hangover" is a documentary. But give me a break the guy just won the Super Bow, and his girlfriend is Taylor Swift, either one of those two events alone would kill most of you. But not a guy like Travis. Or me. So if a guy wants to chug 20 beers and go have sex with his attractive girlfriend just let us

Taylor Swift's Time Machine Blues

 

Travis Kelce blah, Taylor Swift blah blah, Machine Gun Kelly, blah diddy blahh blah, Super Bowl yada yada, Megan Fox zippadeedoodah... 

Winning the Super Bowl gave Taylor Swift magical powers (yes I'm aware Taylor Swift didn't win the Super Bowl) as evidenced by the fact that they went back to the 1990s to have a party. I can only assume that's Jamiroquai playing in the background. 

I really wrote this mostly to point out that Megan Fox still does that kissy face/duck lips thing when she takes pictures like it's 2007.  Maybe Taylor took her back to 2007 with her Super Bowl Time Machine. Such a magical time

Dex Lauper is an Asshole

Trust fund baby and son of 1980's entertainer, and spokesperson for psoriasis medication Cyndi Lauper, wants to be a rapper so bad he decided to shoot somebody because that's what rappers do. Or maybe he caught a gun charge? I'm not sure what happened and they need to put this stupid asshole in prison for life just for his hair. 

DECLYN Lauper decided it would be more fun to spend his life in prison instead of just being a rich kid driving around in Ferraris and having perfect teeth and partying in Aspen or whatever rich kids do. What a stupid asshole. I've never hated somebody so much, so fast before. Congratulations Declyn you helped me set a new personal record

Sydney Sweeney is Hip

 Sydney Sweeney took her boobs to the red carpet premier of Madame Web which even Sydney Sweeney's boobs will never make me see. You know what's weird? Sydney Sweeney looks really cool. Let me see if I can explain. 

She looks like a hot bartender or waitress that's actually really cool and smart and wordly well beyond her years and sort of mean all at the same time. It's hard to explain. Guys reading this will know exactly what I'm talking about, even if I can't describe it well. Like, if she stopped being famous tomorrow she wouldn't really care. Does any of that make sense? Anyway that's just my interpretation. Maybe me and Sydney can get together and discuss it over a game of pool or maybe darts or something and we can go back to my place and hang out in the garage.