Caprice is Still Famous?

Man, there is zero to write about. Nothing. And I've been looking all day. Maybe I'm just numb to it all. Oh, there's the panicky Covid click bait, and the usual mental basket cases that think Donald Trump is going to take over the world or whatever, but The Daily Mail came through in the end with a picture of Caprice in a bikini. I didn't bother to read the story to see what it was about because I've seen them about her before and they're usually about almost nothing. I have no idea how they fill so much space and go absolutely nowhere with it, or why a woman that's this attractive is so boring but I guess that's why "journalists" go to college. To learn how to write about nothing.  Three months ago I'd never even heard of this woman, now all of the sudden she puts on a pair of yoga pants and her picture is everywhere, I have no idea why. Maybe because she's almost 50 years old and they want to make you feel bad. It's your own fault for living like you do, so don't blame me and Caprice because we're so good looking. 

Lauren Powell Jobs is Queen of the Seven Seas

Steve Jobs widow (that means he's dead, and she's single) Lauren Powell Jobs, cruised the Mediterranean on her 110' yacht Venus. Here's an interesting factoid I once learned, it's called a boat until 99 feet, at 100 feet, it becomes a ship. There really wasn't much more to the story than what I described, sorry. I added the part about ship/boat size because I thought it was neat.  I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that even at 56 years old, she probably isn't on Silver Singles looking to date "Joe", a "hard partyin" guy, with wrap around sunglasses, a goatee, a Harley, and acceptable hygiene. But I'm here to make you happy Lauren if that's what you want, I bet I could put on 40 pounds in just a couple of months.

Kylie Jenner Isn't Made of Plastic

Someone built a Kylie Jenner mannequin and paired it with another plastic statue of some woman named Stassie Kamakaralikakalou or something and decided to post the picture to her Instagram. I'm kidding they are of course real humans - I guess - but who can tell these days. Do you care at all about this? Because I sure don't. I can't imagine how empty and sad your life must be if this is something that interests you. But hey, I guess everyone needs a hobby, yours just happens to be awful.

Britney Spears is Art

Blah blah blah Britney Spears body paint yakety yakety yakety. Still, who painted that on her? If she needs someone new to take over I know a guy (it's me)

Call Seth Rogen Ishmael

Seth Rogen took a break from chasing Moby Dick to talk about Jews and Palestine or something, I have no idea. I'll include the link if you really want to read it but I'm in a super annoyed mood today and Seth Rogen is probably a super nice guy, but I honestly do not care what he thinks about any of that. All I have to see are quotes about "lies" and "Israel" and I just think about absolutely anything else while that person is talking. Unfortunately for Seth, he spent so much time working to become a famous comedian, he's only now at almost 40, experiencing the political awakening most people have between the ages of 17 and 23 and mostly abandon by 30.

Katy Perry Balloons Up

Katy Perry washed up on a beach somewhere. I'm kidding, she's pregnant. Like super pregnant. Where's your mask? Aren't you worried about your unborn baby you monster?  I forgot who the father was, some guy I imagine. I'm pretty sure that's how that works but I don't know it's been a while.

Ben Affleck is a Four Eyes

Ben Affleck went somewhere and did something. They said he looked "cool" in his aviator sunglasses but I'm sorry it's going to take a lot more than that to make Ben Affleck cool. Frankly he looks more like on of those guys that thinks he's a big game hunter or something. Which normally would be cool but, nope. Not if it's Ben Affleck.I don't want to write about him anymore.

Happy Birthday Sandra Bullock

This post started out as a story wishing Sandra Bullock a happy 56th (!) birthday but the source included this picture of Jennifer Aniston sort of dressed like a cheerleader or something, so this whole thing went off the rails immediately. Sorry Sandy.

Joey King is Somebody

Joey King (?) was at the virtual premier (?) of her new movie (?) The Kissing Booth 2 (?) in Los Angeles (?) wearing this dress. That's basically what the big news was about. I think the bigger news here is that there was a The Kissing Booth 1. She's only 20 years old so she can still bail out on this and get a regular job somewhere if she hurries. Obviously it won't be as glamorous as dressing up and having your picture taken in an empty room, but whatever it is, it'll be a good solid living, and you won't suddenly find yourself waiting VIP tables filled with Russian, and Bulgarian guys in old Ed Hardy shirts at the Seventh Veil on Sunset when you're 37. 

Madison Beer Saves the World. Again.

Madison Beer is wearing her mask again, thank god. Thank you for your bravery Madison. And for caring. Today. While someone was taking your picture.

Dona D'Errico Does Something

I wasn't going to write anything today because it's Saturday and my foot hurts, and then Donna D'Errico showed up and that really got the creative juices flowing. I don't know what the story was about, I think she's becoming a vegan but she can become a Satanist for all I care. I'll buy you all the goat heads you want Donna just let me know.

Thandie Newton Likes Water

Thandie Newton (center) is a name I've heard. Here she is on a boat. These assholes are always on boats, why is that. What is the appeal of boats to you idiots. That's her husband by the way, his name is Ol. I don't know what that's short for, probably Ol' Fatso.

Lily and Company Walk the Dog

Lily Collins and Somebody McDowell walked their dog in LA. She's "rocker" Phil Collins daughter, and he's the son of either Roddy McDowall or Malcolm McDowell, I'm not sure which and honestly, does it really matter? They really should do something about those names being all confusing all the time. I think one of the McDowells was gay but they're both from England so it could be both of them.

Drake For the Ladies

Drake "showed off" his doughy arms in a tank top. They were described as "bulging" but I bet they're spongey like a loaf of bread.  There were some pictures of him with his shirt off but they were nothing special, and I'm not sharing those kinds of things anymore. Frankly I'm tired of having to explain why I have pictures of shirtless dudes saved all over my desktop.

FKA Twigs is Famous

FKA Twigs (I guess that's her name) is always in the celebrity rags but I have zero idea why. I've never heard her name mentioned anywhere else ever, in any way shape or form. And I've even written about her a couple of times, mostly because I figure she must be somebody worth writing about, and yet,  I'm wrong every time. This story was about her being in some movie? I think? On Netflix or something, but it's all bullshit.

 I just looked, she's some singer I guess. Probably like the way Grace Jones was a singer. People pretended they knew who she was and eventually it worked. Kind of. She was eventually in a kind of crappy James Bond movie and she was always talked about on celebrity shows but no one actually cared. She was famous like Zsa Zsa Gabor. She was just sort of around, but nobody knew why. If Grace Jones was ever truly famous for being anything other than weird it was well before my time. Kind of like FKA Twigs who - poor thing - will most likely be remembered for looking like a cartoon character that just ate something sour. Good luck with your Hulu show or whatever, persimmon muncher.

Joey Lawrence Gets Divorced

Here's lonfg forgotten actor Joey Lawrence picking up his award for Douchiest Greasball Celebrity in the universe. I'm kidding he's divorcing his wife. Man did she get lucky. Remember when he used to look like this? Maybe he got bitten by some kind of rare New Jersey spider or something. Nobody thinks that outfit he's wearing looks good except for guys that drive a Cadillac CTS or maybe some kind of Humvee.

Christina Milian Sits Around

This is Christina Milian. I remember saving this picture but don't remember the details. I mean besides the obvious. Purple is a good color for her. I thought her name was Milan like the Italian city but I guess it's Millian? Kind of like million? She can call herself Spaghettiface, it's fine with me. Give me a call Christina we'll work out the name details later.

Jide Zeitlin is Smooth

I'm sorry, you can be fired now for living your life like it was a plot in a Seth Rogen or Vince Vaughn movie?

Madison Beer is Somebody Part III

Madison Beer went shopping. Where's your mask, dullard? Worried it'll clash with your sunglasses? I understand that's what happens sometimes with fashionable accessories. 

Rebel WIlson is on a Hill

Rebel Wilson says she lost 40 pounds, kind of like how I say I lost $8 million dollars.

Selma Blair is Around

Selma Blair was out this weekend. Shit man, she already needs a cane and braces because she has MS. I wrote this less than two years ago. Life is so short, and fragile. Why on Earth you'd want to waste even a second of it yelling at idiots you don't know, and will never meet on the internet is bewildering to me. I don't pity her but I do feel bad. She didn't do anything wrong she just got sick. I bet she'd trade with you in a hot second, but by all means keep wasting your life.

John Lewis No Longer Mostly Alive

My previous story about Rep. John Lewis being Mostly Alive was incorrect and should now be read as Mostly Dead. Sorry for any confusion this may have caused. I'll update this if he gets any better.

Charlotte Hawkins Has Legs

Charlotte Hawkins is a TV "presenter" (host) in the UK and she wore mismatched shoes I guess, so this was big, big news. It was also a good reason for her to post a picture of her (nice) legs on her Instagram account, and then I subsequently wrote about it for all of you foot fetish weirdos. I can almost hear the right-clicking-save-as from here. Perverts. 

Ron Perlman Hungry.

Ron Perlman lumbered into the street after shopping with just a tiny bag of groceries. He probably didn't feel like buying much food after he ate all of the children that were in the store. But don't worry, he won't go hungry. When their parents finally head for home they have to cross his bridge where he's lying in wait and then he'll club them and eat their bones for dessert.

Brian Austin Green Cooks

Brian Austin Green had his 47th birthday and then immediately turned into the guy you see getting arrested on COPS while wearing "someone else's" pants that just happened to have a meth pipe in the pocket. Happy birthday Brian.

Leonardo DiCaprio Goes Swimmng

Leonardo DiCaprio and his girlfriend went to the beach. She looks so young in that picture that it actually makes me uncomfortable. I've written about this kind of thing over and over, but...I don't know... this picture triggers a lot of what I can only assume are evolutionary alarms for me. She looks like a child. Anyway it's none of of my business, they're both consenting adults, I mean she's 22, and whether you like it or not that's an adult. She can sign a contract, buy a house, join the Marines, Marry a 45 year old or do anything that a 50 year old can do. In the eyes of the law she's as grown up as the Queen of England.  I'm more concerned about why they're wearing masks in public on an empty street, but not at what I can only logically assume is a crowded beach. You people live by such schizophrenic rules that seem only to apply when it's convenient for you, that I don't know why you aren't constantly all in therapy or on some kind of prescription medication.Which for all I know you probably are.

Representative John Lewis Mostly Alive

US Representative John Lewis isn't dead despite stories and pictures to the contrary.

Well this is weird. What could cause this?

Rapper Lil Marlo Dead

Oh look. Another rapper got shot and killed. At this rate there won't be anymore rappers. I wish they'd quit shooting each other, my hand got tired doing all those links.

Amitabh Bachchan

Bollywood actor Amitabh Bachchan who's known as The Indian Robert De Niro* was diagnosed with Covid-19 and admitted to the hospital. I can think of a million places I'd rather be, than a hospital in India. They could have put him on a plane to Guyana, or Burkina Faso and he'd probably be better off**. Best of luck, I hope you get better soon, guy I never heard of and don't know.




*I made this up.


**I didn't make this up.

RIP Kelly Preston

Kelly Preston died of breast cancer. She was 57. I didn't even know she was sick, you usually hear about these things. Especially if they're married to John Travolta. If you don't know who Kelly Preston is, she was in a lot of movies starting in the 1980s ...Christine, Secret Admirer, Mischief... You probably know who she is. Anyway that's really too bad. I make fun of these people but I don't necessarily want them to die. Usually.

Nicole Scherzinger is a Man of Action

Here's Nicole Scherzinger in Portugal. Only two kinds of people own boats. Assholes, and bigger assholes. I swear all this woman does is take vacations. I can't imagine that pays very well but I guess it does. Of course you can drive or take a ferry  from England to Portugal so it sounds a lot more exotic than it really is. It's probably more like spending a weekend in the Wisconsin Dells than anything, but it doesn't sound as sexy to say you raced go-carts as it would to say you spent the weekend on the beach in Portugal. Although I'll be honest, if it was up to me I'd rather race the go-carts.

Another Olivia Somebody

Oh look! Here's another Olivia in a bikini! What a time to be alive.  I don't even remember her last name now, but let's be honest, it's totally unimportant. Just another grinning Jack-o'-lantern, on another sandy beach.

Vanessa Hudgens Does Battle

Vanessa Hudgens showed up on time for her Futuristic Warrior SitRep Training in full snakeskin camouflage yesterday. I'm kidding she went to the gym.  I don't know why people are still taking pictures of Vanessa Hudgens but they do, and here's the proof.

Please to Meet You Luann de Lesseps

I didn't know who 55 year old (!) Luann de Lesseps is but I do now .

Jessica Simpson is Skinny

Jessica Simpson lost a metric shit tonne of weight (extra 'n' and 'e' added for class) and frankly might have tipped the scales a little too far in the other direction.  Losing wight can be extremely difficult and very tricky to begin with but if you lose to much you can look sickly - and older than you are -  especially if your over say 35. It can be a surprisingly difficult thing to balance.  But good for her I know how hard that can be. And now on the plus side she won't struggle for breath while she unwraps a package of Ding Dongs.

Cher is a Death Machine

I just realized about an hour ago that everyone that's been married to Cher is dead.

Janet Jackson Goes Shopping

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Anthony Kiedis is a Man of Action

Red Hot Chili Peppers singer Anthony Kiedis dressed like Fat Homer and went to dinner with a cute girl that's probably half his age. I hate The Red Hot Chili Peppers but good for him. There was no mention why his leg was in a cast but if I had to guess he probably hurt it skateboarding. I guess he broke his face too.

Kendra Wilkinson has me Sold

I guess Kendra Wikinson is a real estate agent now? I'm only writing this to tell you that I'd buy just about anything Kendra Wilkinson was selling. A truck full of dehydrated lettuce? Why not, Everyone needs some of that. Severed horse heads? Sure, I mean you never know right? Give me a call Kendra we can figure something out.

Kristin Cavallari Likes Bucks

Kristin Cavallari spent the holiday weekend at her parents house in Lake Barrington Illinois. I live probably 30 or so minutes, and an entire world away from there, but in case you're wondering what the homes look like in Lake Barrington, Illinois I included a random picture of one of them in the upper right hand corner. I felt I could include a picture of a random Lake Barrington house because they all look like that there. Not some of them, all of them.  It's all winding driveways and homes hidden from the main roads by thick stands of trees. They're the kind of people that actually need a riding lawnmower to cut their grass, and they all have pretty wives in their 40s that walk teeny tiny dogs in tennis outfits, and shop at grocery stores with fancy names.  The only place these people see someone with non-white skin is on TV. It's not necessarily a bad or good thing, people live where they live, and are who they are,  I just thought you'd like to know who you're actually dealing with.

As Far as the Eye Can See

The word "antebellum" means "before the war". There is zero anything racist about it. I really have to quit that Twitter Idiot Farm, it's really getting to be too much. Do you think these borderline "bro-country" dullards sat down with their managers the night before they signed their first contract and said, "we think it would be cool to have a name that subtly implies we think the world needs to reinstate slavery".  Is that what you think? Really? I've never heard even one second of this ridiculous groups music and I can tell you that's not what happened.

Instead I have to think one of these idiots probably heard the word antebellum and thought it sounded cool and were imagining old-timey cotillions and soft southern air, sweet tea and giant hoop skirts while Rhett Butler romantically sweeps Scarlett O'Hara off of her feet. But you have to make yourself feel better so believe what you want, it's pretty obvious you're not willing to learn anything so why bother.

Madonna Topless

Madonna took off her top. I wrote this in case you wanted to yawn at a picture.

Adam Sandler Goes to Pieces

Adam Sandler was at home. On his own private property. Alone. With no one else around, shooting hoops, by himself wearing a mask and gloves. This is Howard Hughes level stuff and to the average, go to work and live your life kind of person, makes you look CrAZy. Like, hoarder level, old newspapers and garbage stacked to te ceiling crazy. Junk cars and old refrigerators on your property crazy.  This isn't a public park or a YMCA or something, this is his driveway. You guys really have to start pulling yourselves together with all of this because I have to live around you and I don't need this in my life.

Olivia Munn is 40

Olivia Munn turned 40 then put on a bikini. Hopefully all of the Olivias will have a battle royale and the last one remaining Olivia will be the ruler of the universe. If that's too mean for your liking they can all just hide and switch places every once in a while. They all look nearly identical so no one would know if they changed them out. Fuck me I really need to take a few days off from this. Staring at these grinning Jack-O'-lanterns is really starting to wear on me.

Here's Brooke Shields. Again

Brooke Shields is in the news again. I'm not sure why, probably because she's in her late 50s and is walking around in a bikini? The stories written about her aren't really ground breaking or anything. There are no !SHOCKING! abuse revelations or lesbian affairs or geriatric pregnancies happening. I can't think of any reason beyond the bikini thing. I'm not a Hollywood insider so I don't know how any of this works, or suddenly why after not thinking about, or hearing about Brooke Shields for at least a decade and more likely almost two decades, all of the sudden she's featured fairly prominently twice in two days on one of the biggest celebrity gossip websites on the internet.

 I don't know if celebrity websites like this have a sales team that reaches out to celebrity management companies and meets with them and says, "For $50,000 we can get Brooke Shields 500,000 engagements every hour" or something like that. It wouldn't surprise me to hear that at all though because both of these Beasts - meaning celebrity/gossip sites -  feed off of each other, so for a couple of weeks you hear about Brooke Shields, the management company pays the gossip site, the gossip site gets the clicks and the ad revenue, people think Brooke Shields is popular again and she gets a sitcom pilot/ movie role, and subsequently gets paid, so her management company gets money, her show opens fails/gets cancelled and the whole thing starts all over again.

If this isn't what's happening, all of these people are actually pretty dumb because that all sounds very, very easy, and people on the internet are usually not all that bright so this really could work. On the other hand, I'm not an internet business jerk so it may all just be talking out of my ass and it's just a theory. And who knows, maybe people were just starving for Brooke Shields news.

Kerry Katona Smash!

Kerry Katona took some "racy" pictures for her Only Fans account, then apparently, all that time during lock down getting huge drove her insane and she went on a rampage and attacked London and even flipped a bus. They have her chained up like King Kong if you want to go gawk at her.

Happy Fourth

I was going to pretend like I was taking the weekend off from this for the Independence Day holiday but who am I kidding. Writing garbage for the internet is just about the easiest thing in the world to do. Especially if no one is really reading it. For two weeks last August an escaped monkey took over this blog and you people didn't even notice. If you're celebrating, don't blow parts of your body off

Jason Momoa is Cool

Jason Momoa is going to be the voice of Frosty the Snowman in a live action/CGI remake, and I really need to find a new hobby because if it wasnt for this, I'd never know that and I'd probably be happier. I'm not linking anythig about this, so if you want to know more, go find it yourself.

Pamela Anderson has a Bed

Pamela Anderson did yadda yadda yadda while she blah blah blah when she was skibbidy skibbidy doo during the wakka wakka wakka. No one gives a fuck.