Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Where the Hell Are My Presents?

She's got the right idea

Well here it is, Blogger Appreciation Day, and I'm still waiting for gifts from some of you people. Or at least dinner. What the hell is wrong with you? I don't need any more Fleshlights so stop sending them.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Some Dickhead is Leaving a TV Show.

 Tell me you don't wanna punch this asshole.

Apparently James Spader was on "The Office".  But I guess now he won't be, because the guy who's face I've wanted to punch as hard as I could for as long as I can remember like one of those "How Hard Can You Punch" bags you find in shitty (cool) bars has decided to leave a show that I didn't even know was still on the air.

"James always wanted this to be a one-year arc, and he now leaves us having created one of the most enigmatic and dynamic characters in television,” show runner Paul Lieberstein said in a statement. “He’s been a great friend to me and the show, helping us successfully transition into the post-Michael Scott years, and I’m grateful for that.”
Somebody did something every week for an entire year on the single biggest communication device ever devised in human history and I never even knew it. Is that an indictment of him or me? I say him because nothing is ever my fault.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

You're in BIG Trouble Mister

Oh Shit!
Thousands of porn website users have had their personal passwords and emails leaked online by hackers. In total, 6433 users of the YouPorn chat site were exposed after third-party service provider failed to secure data, its owner claimed.
Don't worry. 5,825 of them were me because I had to keep re-doing mine. You can't expect me to remember user names, and passwords for every site I visit while I'm doing "research". What am I a brain surgeon?

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Let's Watch Whitney's Funeral!

You're right. This is exciting!

I don't know if you've heard, but Whitney Houston died. And she died just the way she wanted. Naked and high as Hell (Maybe not. But probably).  And because her family is aching for the privacy you'd expect a grieving family would want, it's gonna be a private service. Well - except for the fact that it's going to be broadcast on the internet...

 Houston's publicist, Kristen Foster, announced Wednesday that The Associated Press will be the only video camera allowed inside at Saturday's funeral in Newark. The AP will stream the service on The event also will be available to broadcasters via satellite.
It's probably for the best that there'll only be one camera allowed inside during the service. Four, or five cameras, plus boom mics, a stage director, union gaffers and electricians hanging around with their butt cracks hanging out might be tacky. Who wants a tacky funeral? Besides,  if it's on the internet you better believe people expect things to be classy. Not like all those other websites you visit you pervert.

I'm Going to Hell. Need a Lift?

...And then I said, bring me more corn on the cob!!!

Oh man. If you need more proof that I'm gonna spend a day or two in Hell once I'm finally worm food, I did nothing but laugh through this whole story.

A Vietnam veteran was left with horrific injuries after an electronic cigarette blew up in his mouth, knocking out all of his teeth and part of his tongue.
Tom Holloway, 57 of Niceville, Florida screamed (HA!) as the device exploded and debris melted everything it touched as it flew around a room at home.

Now even not smoking is bad for your teeth and gums. It's probably a lucky break that he lives in Florida since I'm sure all the retirees are constantly losing their dentures, Just keep your eyes focused on the ground I'm sure you'll stumble across some eventually.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Whitney Houston Died

Despite the fact that we're living in the 21st century, being very physically attractive, having an awesome singing voice, famous relatives in the entertainment business, and earning millions, and millions, and millions of dollars over a 20 plus year career Whitney Houston decided the smart thing to do would be to throw it all away because "crack is whack".  And now she's dead.

 Publicist Kristen Foster told the Associated Press Saturday that the singer had died, but the cause and the location of her death were unknown.

Unknown? Really? Well if this is gonna be a guessing game I'm gonna guess she died during a medieval style jousting competition, because saying someone threw away a $100 million dollar fortune because they couldn't stop doing drugs in an age where there's help on every corner, especially having been through rehab on two previous occasions, would be just impossible to believe.

If you're sensing that I don't feel bad for someone that stupid you must have ESP. Quick! What are the winning lottery numbers for tonight?

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Gimme 10cc's of BBQ Sauce! Stat!

Angelina Jolie showed up at some stupid awards ceremony and somebody neglected to tell her not to show up in a costume because she was dressed up like a holocaust survivor.
"She said she was so busy with the kids that she forgets to eat, and when she does sit down she prefers all her fruits and vegetables to be organic. She particularly likes exotic berries and was talking about how they were packed with nutrients."
 Mmmm. Sounds healthy. She's 5' 8" tall and is reported to weigh 7 stone. For the rest of us in the normal world that don't like measuring things like ancient Druids, that's about 98 pounds. So if your one of those pain in the ass internet hunchbacks that still insists she's 100 times hotter than Jennifer Aniston, you can experience sex with Angelina. Just grab your fleshlight, and your dads golf bag. Just leave the clubs in it and voila!

Friday, February 3, 2012

Lets Have a Sexy President For Once

Roseanne Barr has apparently decided shes bored with yelling at passing cars, and hoarding junk she finds at garage sales (prove me wrong) and figured a good way to waste some time and money was to run for president.

Of course she's running as a "Green Party" candidate because why wouldn't she.

"The Democrats and Republicans have proven that they are servants -- bought and paid for by the 1% -- who are not doing what's in the best interest of the American people,"
 "I will barnstorm American living rooms," she said in a candidate questionnaire submitted to the Green Party. "Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election."
It'll be cool to have a candidate running for president who's political ideology stopped evolving when they were a junior in high school. I'd also like to host a Roseanne Barr for President party at my house. It's been a lifelong dream of mine to have her standing in the middle of my living room shouting stuff and when she's done maybe Ralph Nader can come over and lecture everybody. It'll be a good time.