Monday, October 30, 2017

Yolanda Hadid Does Stuff

This is a picture of Model Bella Hadid's mom Yolanda. Bella Hadid's 53 year old mom. I'd just like to say if I ever said anything bad in any joking manner about Bella or for that matter Gigi Hadid I'm sorry and I take it all back. I was just joshing around you know? It was all shenanigans. Here, let me buy you a drink.

!!!BREAKING NEWS!!! Kevin Spacey is Gay

So Kevin Spacey (seen here holding his Tony Award) came out as being gay. And if this surprises you, you need to get out more.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Chelsea Handler Saves the World

Remember when Cheslea Handler said she was quitting her show so she could be a smarter more politically active person? Or in her words she said she would devote “as much time as I can to becoming a more knowledgeable and engaged citizen.”

She's off to a rip roaring start...

Republican Rep Dana Rohrabacher is a man. From pretty close to where she actually lives in California. For all I know he may actually represent her district. She's not working she has time to Google this stuff doesn't she? Hey it's an easy mistake to make and I probably would've thought he was a woman too because dudes shouldn't be named Dana but I'm not the one that decided I needed to save the world. I think rather than broadcasting the fact that she gets all of her information from tweets that are all basically half truths at best, she should just stand on a corner with a bullhorn and a sandwich board with "THE END IS NEAR" painted on it that way fewer people can watch her embarrass herself. "Hey isn't that Chelsea Handler on that corner?" "Yeah maybe we should cross the street". Hey keep up the good work there Chelsea.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Gwen Stepford and Blake Singleterry Make a Baby

Blake Sheldon and Gwen Stefanie (I'm not checking spelling or even the correct names today fuck you) are trying for a baby girl. Ummmm...Gwen Sheldon is almost 50 years old. I didn't know 50 year old women could have babies. I thought that was nature's way of putting the brakes on everything so we didn't wind up with a population of 8 trillion people. Just because you find a new love of your life, it doesn't mean you have to squeeze out a new tiny human each time, I mean, you two already have a bunch of kids don't you?  Isn't that enough?  We know you can make babies give it a rest. What's with you idiots. Theoretically as a male, I can make babies until I die, all I need is a willing partner and let's be honest, that should be an easy thing for me to find to find especially with a handsome face, strong genes and a powerful back like mine. And if you've ever wondered why no pictures of Gwen Stefani straight on exist, that's why.

Coco Austin is at AXSTV

Coco Austin showed off her gigantic ass for the cameras, which in her case added 30 pounds, while she was at some awards festival, or maybe it was a nightclub I don't know for sure, I was just sifting through garbage, looking for something to talk about and she floated to the top. I think she's married to a rapper but I don't know, or care which one it is. Maybe it's the one that raps about life on the streets. If you know, put it in the comments just keep in mind I never read them so you might be wasting your time.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Marcus Johns is Somebody

Some 24 year old Vine "star" asshole named Marcus Johns has decided to be a director.
 "Growing up I was always directing, but had never consciously labeled myself as a director,"
Growing up? You mean when you were younger like 10 years ago when you were in junior high?  The "star" of a now defunct smart phone app is the new future of Hollywood in case you didn't think things could get any worse there. Good luck Marcus. See you at the "Totally Inclusive Non-Harassing and Bullying Statue Giveaway Formally Known as the Academy Awards".

Matt Damon's Secret Life

Matt Damon joked about a rough sex scene while filming his new movie "Suburbicon". Before I go any further, here is what I think Suburbicon is about. Keep in mind I know only the title of the movie. I have read nothing else whatsoever about it except for the fact that it stars Julianne Moore, and Matt Damon, and the title of the story where he talks about rough sex. I haven't even read that story yet. Okay here goes, here's what I think Suburbicon is about...
Suburbicon is a movie about the stifling reality of living in the suburbs where on the surface everyone is happy just keeping up with the Jones' but in reality they're all desperately lonely/bored/secretly crazy/drug addicted/broken people because Hollywood has never ever produced a ground breaking movie like that before and the suburbs are really ripe for getting this kind of treatment because it's never, ever been done to death.
The End
 I could be wrong so if you see this movie, which I actually sort of doubt you will, let me know how close I came to describing it. Ayyway Matt Damon talked about rough sex yada yada yada...
 "I like it rough. I didn't realize how rough I like it. Then I got home and I was like, 'Wow.'
Fascinating. Just when you thought Matt Damon couldn't get anymore boring. I don't really have anything against Matt Damon. In fact I never really think about him at all. He's just sort of there, like a brown shirt in a drawer you avoid wearing that you keep meaning to give to Goodwill but you just havern't gotten around too it yet.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Harvey Weinstein Finishes Early

Harvey Weinstein finished sex rehab in just a week. That's pretty fast. Maybe he should've thought about baseball or something.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

John Mayer is Ironic

Just when you thought John Mayer couldn't get any more punchable, he dressed in an "80's" outfit for his 40th birthday party on some yacht somewhere. Who knows why since he seems to be the only one dressed like that. Maybe his boom box is in that bag and he's going to break dance later. During the party he left with John Cusack's girlfriend and much wacky hi-jinks ensued until John rebuilds his junky Camaro and does enough burnouts to save the day.

Chelsea Handler Saves the World

Chelsea Handler is quitting her talk show after only two seasons. I was surprised to hear she was leaving since I didn't even know she still had a show. She says it's so she can be "better informed, raise my voice, and participate in a more meaningful way." I suppose she wants to be come a more learned citizen like Plato probably. Or maybe even Hippocrates...
“Like so many across the country, the past presidential election and the countless events that have unfolded since have galvanized me. From the national level down to the grassroots, it’s clear our decisions at the ballot box next year will mark a defining moment for our nation"
I think the election that happened ALMOST A YEAR AGO broke what was left of her brain. I wonder which PhD program she'll choose. Harvard Medical? Maybe MIT. Who can say. Whichever one it is I hope it lasts a long, long time and keeps her busy and away from cameras and people that want to ask her her opinion about anything.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Breaking Jennifer Aniston News!!

According to the latest story I partially read, Jennifer Aniston went out without a bra. The end.

Calum Von Muscles

Here's one for the ladies. He's Calum Von Moger and he's going to be in a movie about a little known and obscure body builder named Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold Schwarzenegger has been world famous for like 45 years, he's made movies that have taken in literally billions at the box office and was even the goddamn governor of California.  What possible new information they have about him that needs a movie I have no idea. I hope Calum is smarter than he looks although, that probably won't be too difficult. Hey if you want to look at a big veiny dude that looks like he's about to explode and that's your thing that's cool with me. Whatever floats your boat you sick weirdo.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

La La Anthony Stands Like This

So La La Anthony is famous I guess. Maybe it's because of her cool name. Maybe she's known for dressing like she's going to a disco in 1978. Maybe she's famous for being in TV commercials for cheap auto insurance that come with instant SR-22's during daytime talk shows, I really have absolutely no idea.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Russell Crowe is Well Rounded

That's Russell Crowe. It turns out all those times I made fun of him for getting so fat were wrong. He packed on weight for a movie called "Boy Erased" and it was insensitive of me and I'm sorry. I don't know what it's about if I had to guess judging by the shoes and pants and how he's walking I'd say it's about a boy with severe "learning disabilities" that grew up and became erased. We'll see you at the Osacr's Russell!

Stupid People Yelling Stupid Things

Wendy Williams and 50 Cent are feuding. Why? I have no idea. About what? Who gives a shit. Seriously who fucking cares. She said he was an idiot and he called her ugly and as far as I'm concerned they're both right so I really don't see what it is they're arguing about.

Rod Stewart Does Stuff

72 year old Rod Stewart was at a breast cancer awareness "Pinktober" Hard Rock benefit thing dressed like a couch from an Italian guy's house with his gigantic girlfriend Penny Lancaster. She's 46, so she's almost 30 years younger than him. It could be she's an Amazon and is actually holding him hostage. Has anyone thought to ask? Really, I mean think about it. If that was the case what would he do? He's 72 years old. He's not just old enough to be her father, he's almost old enough to be her GRANDfather. I looked it up and she's six foot one. Know who else is six foot one? Me. So listen Penny, he's 72 so when know what I mean... if you're tired of dealing with short dudes give me a call. Think about it, you can wear those high heels you like so much again.

Friday, October 13, 2017

A Kanye West Saturday

Kanye West was spotted leaving a Soul Cycle class - whatever the Hell that is - at some gym on Friday. No one mentioned who he was talking too on the phone but if I was forced to guess I'd say it was probably Burger King.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Elizabeth Hurley Gets my Vote

I know I haven't written much in a week and I'm sorry. It's really not my fault because it's all the same garbage everywhere. Same garbage stories, same garbage people. Except for Elizabeth Hurley. She was at some benefit called "Future Something Something Who knows" looking pretty much like every older woman fantasy I ever had when I was in high school right up through this morning and I thought, "Hey! Why don't I write about that?" So I'll start scouring the internet looking for crappy celebrity news again and I'll try to stay on top of this better.

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Ralphie May Died

"Comedian" Ralphie May died of cardiac arrest on Friday. He was 45. "We don't know why" said one doctor. "It's a total mystery" added another. Just another one of the great mysteries of the universe.