Monday, July 29, 2013

Sydney Leathers Photo Shoot

Democrat Anthony Weiner's sexting partner Sydney Leathers was involved in some kind of photo shoot for some reason.  Maybe because she values her privacy? I don't really know though because I can't imagine too many people actually want to see her in a bikini but there she is. I was going to make a joke about how Anthony Weiner had a fat one but I've never seen pictures of his penis so I didn't want people to get confused and think I was talking about her.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

I Bet It Was Like Ocean's 11.

Bam Magera got pinched in Iceland for trashing a rental car, because I guess now Iceland has a police force, and Bam Majora broke the law. It was reported he caused $8,000 in damage to a rental car.

  Here's the TMZ link if you're interested otherwise just read this...

...basically, Bam allegedly rented a Toyota Landcruiser from Hertz when he visited the country back in 2012.  According to officials, Bam returned the car in TERRIBLE shape 5 days after the rental period was over -- but never paid for the damage, fees and other costs associated with the ride.  Then, he left the country ...
 Bam  Marrerra was "on tour" in Iceland for some reason. Why? I'm not really sure but I bet he was showing off his new clothing line that I'm guessing he's calling "1994".

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Flock of Seagulls? Really?

Remember Flock of Seagulls? Sure you do. Well not only are they still alive but they're also still 'touring'. But some forward thinking citizen tried to put a stop to all that nonsense by stealing all of their stuff from the high end Comfort Inn where they were staying because they were playing a free show in Downey, California where officials estimate- I swear to God - 4,000 people were in attendance...
Singer Mike Score estimated that the contents in the van are worth as much as $70,000, including about $10,000 worth of high-end stage clothes inside the van. The van also contained some of their cell phones, studio equipment and band merchandise. "Somebody just broke into it, stole our whole van with all our equipment, clothing, band gear, cellphones, everything you need when you're on the road -- all your good stuff, all your good clothes, a bunch of expensive band equipment," he said. "A lot of stuff that's really irreplaceable."
All your "Good clothes?"  This is Flock of Seagulls we're talking about right? I don't know what part of this story is harder to believe. That somebody can just walk of with $70,000 worth of musical equipment without being noticed, that they actually owned $70,000 worth of equipment or that 4,000 people want to see Flock of Seagulls, even for free.

Monday, July 22, 2013

RIP Dennis Farina

Too bad. 
Farina died Monday morning in a Scottsdale, Ariz., hospital after suffering a blood clot in his lung, according to his publicist, Lori De Waal. He was 69.
Being from Chicago and knowing some actual Chicago cops, which was what he did for almost 20 years before becoming an actor, I can tell you that there are about a million Dennis Farinas here. So you feel like you know him because if you know one, you pretty much know them all.  No nonsense type guys that'll tell you how it is without sparing your feelings because fuck you if you can't take it, what are you some kind of a pussy?

He also had a very bit part in Thief, one of my all time favorite movies. You have to look carefully because if you aren't looking for him you probably won't recognize him.  The guy you see in the movie was very likely the guy in real life. It's too bad.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Get To the Aero-Mobile!

A team of engineers apparently forgetting that the world still desperately needs fully functional sexbots wasted precious sexbot development time and scored the $250,000 AHS Sikorsky Prize for  building a human powered helicopter..
On June 13th, 2013, the AeroVelo Atlas Human-Powered Helicopter captured the long standing AHS Sikorsky Prize with a flight lasting 64.1 seconds and reaching an altitude of 3.3 metres.
 And thank God too because it's not a minute to soon.  Now maybe we can come up with a way to power it that somehow doesn't require humans. Maybe a team of mules? Or dare to dream? - even that internal combustion engine we've been hearing so much about?  $250,000 is a lot of money and now they can all buy reliable modern transportation and they won't have to ride to work on one of those bikes with the big wheel in front. Of course it'll also buy a lot of spatz, and top hats too in case you've dirtied yours while beating your servants. At least now the mail deliverer can finally get my wireless telegram to Burma in reasonable time, and not traveling by steam ship means they won't have to worry about being torpedoed by U-boats, or attacked by sea monsters along  the way.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Mario Lopez Isn't Gay

I know I'm as surprised as you are. But apparently he's having a baby. Or more accurately his wife is.  I wasn't as shocked that he isn't gay as I was by the fact that he's still alive.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Happy Birthday Eva Longoria

Eva Longoria turns 38 years old today. Yes 38. What that means is, if you're a high school senior reading this, she could very easily be your mother. And you can trust me, if your 38 year old mother looks like that while she's doing the dishes, I'm going to try to have sex with her. I don't really have a joke here because this was more of a fact filled kind of story.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Aerosmith or Old Lesbians?

Fucking clowns.

Rick Springfield CAN Get Arrested in This Town


"Arrested this am on a bench warrant. I didn't know that I was supposed appear in court a few weeks ago. It was to do with the old DUI charge and it's been cleared up and i am free to go. ... Life is not boring. XOXO"
They should charge him with crimes against humanity. And I was going to make some jokes involving Rick Sprinfield "songs" but who the fuck knows any Rick Springfield songs?

Monday, February 25, 2013

Adele Wins an Oscar

Adele won the Academy Award for best original song for Skyfall and as a reward she received an Oscar trophy, and this little person to eat later after the show. Jesus.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Here's a side by side picture of what some people are trying to tell me is Katherine Webb. The once pretty girl that dated some quarterback from somewhere. Will those type of guys ever get a break? Anyway, when I saw the picture on the right I thought..."Man that is one lucky dude. And I bet she's really nice and helps deaf kids, and nurses sick puppies back to health too." Now I'm wondering if she isn't murdering those deaf kids, and drinking the blood of those those puppies as part of her beauty regimen. Is that even the same person? If it is, when the sun sets you better lock up your children and your pets because it looks like she's gonna need a double dose tonight.

OMG It's a Led Zeppelin Reunion

GAH! Who the fuck is that??

Robert Plant is talking about a Led Zeppelin reunion in - where else?- Rolling Stone magazine. 

  "Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones are Capricorns. They don't say a word. They're quite contained in their own worlds and they leave it to me," said Plant. "I'm not the bad guy . . . You need to see the Capricorns – I've got nothing to do in 2014."
 Capricorns? What the hell is he talking about? Maybe Mercury is in retrograde and it's making him talk crazy like this. At least you'll be able to pay for your tickets with Dream Catchers. Is he getting tired of whacking it to the Lord of the Rings trilogy?  Maybe he's seen all the Matlocks and needs to go somewhere besides the post office, the bank, and Walgreens. I bet they can get the Turtles, or The Electric Prunes to be their opening act.  If any of them are still alive I'd bet they'd jump at the chance.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Alyssa Milano is What?

She's 40 years old. Holy shit! Yeah I just found out like 10 minutes ago and 'm just as surprised as you. I seriously had absolutely no idea. Yes, this is another in a seemingly endless stream of hot, "older" women stories. Older in the sense that they aren't still in high school or college, and saying "I can buy beer" to them doesn't have the usual effect.

 Her birthday is December 19, 1972. She's 5'2" tall. She has seven tattoos- An ouroboros (a snake biting its own tail) on her right wrist, a Buddhist symbol of Om on her left, rosary beads on her back, a vine of flowers on her right ankle, an angel holding a cross with her ex-fiancĂ©’s initials SRW (which now means “Single Rad Woman”) on her left, a fairy kneeling in grass on her hip, and a sacred heart on her lower back. And also she has a nice looking picture hanging over that table in her hallway.

Listen if she doesn't like me trying to get to know her better maybe she should buy some more opaque blinds.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Welcome to the 21st Century

It's 2013 isn't it?  Wasn't New Years Eve just a few weeks ago? We have cars that will park themselves, cellphones that are basically computers that fit in your pocket that make the Star Trek communicators seem old timey by comparison, we've been to the moon and back several times, can fly around the entire planet in a matter of hours and, soon if I lose a limb it will be replaced by a better, much cooler robot limb - that I'm getting by the way even if I have to chop off my own goddamn hand - and these idiots are burning witches?   

Yeah they really are...
 Assailants stripped, tortured and bound a woman accused of witchcraft, then burned her alive in front of hundreds of witnesses in a Papua New Guinea town, police said Friday...
 If one of your friends is one of those hippie types that's "fascinated with other cultures" just drop her off in New Guinea with a pack of matches a pointy hat, and a digital camera and tell her to randomly start fires, and steal peoples souls and keep them in the "magic box". It'll be a fun prank to pull on her I promise. And by the way I spent 25 minutes looking for pictures of New Guinea that didn't make me look like a raging racist but I eventually just gave up.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Jane Fonda a Traitor. Still Looks Good

She hasn't been in any movies made after 1967 that I've actually seen. Yes she is 75 years old. Yes she's a traitor that deserves to be swinging from the end of a rope. But the answer to the big question is yes definitely. I probably wouldn't even have to drink that much. Unless it's to get her to drink. Those rohypnols don't swallow themselves you know.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Beyonce Looks Cool

I saw a highlight of Beyonce's contract rider for performing at the Super Bowl, and it read in part...
 "Bring forth five goats, and a plump child and place them at the base of the foot bridge at Elfedge Forest so that I may feast upon their bones"
 Celebrities are weird. 

UPDATE!!!  I didn't see this post from Gawker before I wrote about that picture, but if you insist on reading Gawker  here you go. Although why you'd read Gawker is your business. Weirdo.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Jodie Foster Talks Too Much

Holy shit Jodie Foster is gay?!  Man I never would've guessed. Was that girl's high school basketball coach a lesbian too?? What is the world coming too?

Monday, January 7, 2013

Uh Oh We Got a Bad Ass here

I know it seems like I'm picking on a little kid, but I have no idea who Harry Styles is or why he's famous. I do know he's dating a MILF, but I guess when you're 12 everybody is a MILF.  I also know he's a bad boy. How do I know that? He's got tattoos. Whoa look out. Are you sure you want to bring him home to meet your parents?  Bird tattoos, hearts, hip area tattoos? Are we sure he's even a boy? Are boys supposed to get tattoos on their inguinal area? If you're girlfriend doesn't know where "it" is and needs an arrow, or a map maybe it's time to move up the age ladder a little bit.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Stephanie Seymour Looks Okay

Oh dear God. Stephanie Seymour wandered around some sun baked paradise in a bikini because she can, and holy shit she's 44? I personally know 24 year olds that don't look even half this good. I'm going to link the page I stole this from but only so you can read the comments on the story bitching about the fact that she's smoking in one of the pictures. If you're a gay man that can't appreciate a 5' 10" woman that looks like a comic book super-heroine come to life, or a bitchy 16 year old high school freshman cheerleader, then I suppose you have to find something to bitch about because she could be eating a plate of fried kittens for all I care.

And yes I realize it's starting to look like this is slowly turning into the hot middle aged woman page, but it's my page and all the internet has to do is quit providing me with pictures of hot middle aged women and I'll stop.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Happy 2013

I guess this is how former super models ring in the new year. It kinda looks like the opening of something you'd see at but what I do on my down time is really none of your business. Keep in mind as you look at that picture that Cindy Crawford is 46 years old now and I know genetics probably have as much to do with looking good past 30 as anything else (as I've written about before), but whatever.  If you feel like you have to hate on really good looking, and sexy people that are over 30 like me, and Cindy Crawford that's your problem not mine.