Kimberly Welsh is Somebody

Here's a picture I saved of Kimberly Walsh. I forgot why I saved it, I have zero idea who she is, and I'm not even sure which one she is in the picture. But hey, it was her 28th or 38th birthday either last week or the week before that. I believe this is the type of information filled news story people are looking for. So happy birthday Jenny Walsh, thanks for the content.

Justin Hartley is Suave

Once again here's one for the ladies. It's Justin Hartley! I don't remember why I saved this picture but judging by the backdrop he was at the Golden Globes. I hope he won a Golden Globe for that thing he did that one time. Straighten your tie you slob, what are you, a burned out detective working overtime?

It's Still Only Friday

You'd think I'd recognize someone with 90,000 followers but nope.

Scarlett Johansson is not Exciting

Scarlett Johansson was on a purple rug with her supposed fiance Colin Jost. She said her daughter likes him or whatever. good for him. I was going to say she must like funny guys but he's on SNL so it's probably any other reason that she likes him. "Likes" him. They say a picture speaks 1000 words so maybe not as much as she likes the camera, but she's certainly good looking so who could blame her.  Maybe he's good looking too I don't know because I'm a dude. How could a 5'3" tall, blonde of Swedish descent as attractive as she is be this boring.

Vin Diesel for the Ladies

 I know I write an awful lot about women. It's probably not fair and maybe a little boring but, they say write what you know and I'm a dude so if there's one thing I know, it's women. I know a lot about women. My favorite thing about women is how they're hatched from eggs in magical fairy forests where it snows up and it's always sunny and warm. That's how much I know about women.

 So in fairness I decided to write about a hunky Vin Diesel preparing for his new movie "Skin Flute No. 9" and what was described as his "ripped dad bod" instead of what it really looks like. A giant illiterate walking shaved gorilla penis. That's the media for you, always covering for Hollywood liberals. But knowing women the way I do, I know you're going to right click and save this picture of him and his Barca underwear pumping some iron in the gym. So go right ahead. I'm here to fulfill all of your sexual fantasies.

Haley Bieber Goes to the Beach

Say what you want about Justin Bieber but this is his wife Hailey. I thought I'd written about her before, but it turns out that was Ireland Baldwin. They're all pretty much the same, so you can see why I got confused. Someone did manage to sneak a picture of Hailey while she was at the beach in full make up, trying to not get her hair wet, all by herself without her pesky husband. She frolicked in the water that was up just past her ankles but you can't be too careful. Maybe she didn't want to shrink that expensive bikini but here Hailey, let's get you out of that wet thing, Justin went to get us all some hot dogs at that place 20 miles away but he should be back in a couple of hours.

Kate Beckinale is Back

 

 Kate Beckinsale went out on Saturday night. Pretty exciting. A party? Shopping? Big deal, I mean seriously. She's not in any movies coming up that I'm aware of. Not even any TV shows. I'm not in the know enough to know why these "stories" come in surges like this. I haven't really heard much about Kate Beckinsale for the last couple of months and then all the sudden everyone is writing about her. Why?

 Don't get me wrong I'm always happy to read about Kate Beckinsale, but who - besides me - could be interested in Kate Beckinsale walking around in leggings while shopping? Let's face it, she may be supernaturally hot, but she isn't exactly A-List anymore, I'm just wondering how the Hollywood machine works. Does she pay for this? Does a manager or PR company foot the bill? I've read some stories over the years alluding to this kind of thing. Call me cynical but I have to imagine someone says, "We need to get your name in the papers some more and it's going to cost $10,000", or whatever number it is, and somebody, somewhere writes a check to some paparazzi company and they say "Okay we'll see you for 10 days starting next week".  I just did a quick Google search for answers but I'll have to refine my search. I'm genuinely curious now. I'll look around a little bit. Stay tuned for my huge celebrity expose. Unless Kate wants to bribe me to keep it under my hat if you know what I'm saying. Cash is fine.

Lizzo's Tiny Purse

Everyone talked about "Lizzo's" tiny purse for about five minutes the other day. I don't really know why, or what this means. I assume she - and her fans - probably understand this and think it's "cool" and "hilarious". One thing's for sure, it doesn't have her dinner in it.

You Go Girl

In a solemn ceremony Taylor Swift was named Queen of Mongo ahead of her marriage to Ming the Merciless on last night's American Music Awards. Congratulations to Her Royal Highness.

Emily Ratajkowski Likes Mirrors

Emily Ratajkowski blah blah blah... bikini selfie yadda yadda yadda... It's the only thing anyone ever talks about when they write about this idiot. Can you imagine what an awful, boring woman she must be.

John Legend is Fancy

Is John Legend still the sexiest man alive?

Prince Charles Sees a Grown Man Naked

So here's Prince Charles doing something weird.

Elizabeth Hurley is Good at Halloween

Elizabeth Hurley dressed like this for Halloween and here it is 22 days later and I'm only just now finding out. I thought you people were my friends. She posted it on her Instagram which I'm linking, but be warned. It's all just her. I realize that's the point of Instagram, but what I mean is she doesn't seem to talk about anything else. Nothing. No food, no hobbies, no "I like this flower", nothing. I went back through almost three years of posts. and I counted approximately 11 pictures that have something else besides Elizabeth Hurley in them. How depressing. It's actually kind of shocking. What kind of world do you live in when that's the only thing you can talk about? I know she's a celebrity so things may be a little different for her, but I've seen other celebrity accounts and at least they seem human. I have to admit I feel sort of bad for her now but don't worry Liz (I call her Liz), if you want to get together and discover some new things I'm just a phone call away.

PADMA LAKSHMI IN THE TUB

The headline screamed PADMA LAKSHMI SHARES NUDE PHOTO. I've seen people nude before and that's not nude. Yes I'm pretty sure she's technically naked, so I guess they aren't necessarily lying for clicks. She posted it on her Instagram and talked about how she's home for the first time in months and finally has some alone time. Except I guess for the person that took this picture. And the lighting guy. Oh and the make up person. My guess would be they probably sent the set decorator home early otherwise he'd just be standing around. Those people don't work for free you know.

Kate Beckinsale Saves the Day

Once again it was a fairly slow news day celebrity-wise. Or maybe it wasn't I don't know, I have to be honest I didn't really look. And then Kate Beckinsale went shopping in high heeled boots and leggings (is that the official name?) and it was like the sky cleared, the birds started singing and all of my squirrel friends brought me gifts. Thanks squirrel friends, but if you can't bring me Kate Beckinsale in heels and stretch pants I probably don't need it so save your energy for winter napping. Give me a call Kate

Nicole Scherzinger Stands Around

I'm running super behind today so I have no time to write anything great at the moment so a new picture of Nicole Scherzinger is always a good thing to fall back on. Good God Almighty. She's like a cartoon. Talk amongst yourselves.

Helena Bonham Carter Hates Shoes

Helena Bonham Carter showed up for a Q&A for her (?) series (?) called The Crown (?)  in her grandma heels. Did they have it early enough in the day so she could make it to the Golden Corral on time? C'mon man, she's still pretty and a multi-millionaire. She's also 53 years old, not 73 years old, I mean seriously what the Hell. No one ever says no to these people? She surely must've asked someone.

Look, I'm a fashion expert okay? If it's the actual heel that's a problem, and I know it can be, why not a nice flat boot? You know, I've seen some boots that are pretty sexy and they have zero heel. Even with a dress, in fact especially with a dress. I guess if she wants to walk around looking like she's trying to find the nickle slot machines, it's still a free country, and I'm not stopping her. But if you need unsolicited fashion advice, I'm always here for you.

Polina Glen Hits the Highway

Here's Johnny Depp's 24 year old "Go-Go dancer" (stripper) girlfriend Polina Glen that I was talking about earlier. I guess she split back to her home country of Belaeurasiussia or wherever the fuck, after she found out that dating a movie star like Johnny Depp might attract attention.

 "... it was his "level of celebrity" paired with his "ongoing battle" with ex-wife Amber Heard, that "grew too much for her."

 Gee no kidding. I'm not sure why she didn't think of this before hand. I assume she's probably not very bright. Did a hot 24 year old stripper just start dating a 56 year old guy she didn't recognize as MOVIE STAR JOHNNY DEPP because she thought he was cute? That doesn't seem very likely but hey I guess you never know.  Oh well, too bad for him I guess, because she's certainly attractive, and he looks like a burned out skeleton warrior from some futuristic wasteland movie. But hey who knows maybe that's her "thing". Good luck in Beluga, Polina we'll miss you.The world needs more hot and brave 24 year olds that will date 56 year old men.

A John Hamm Mystery

OMGOMGOMGOMG!! Are John Hamm and Lindsay Shookus dating?! There are rumors that they are! WOULDN'T THAT BE WONDERFUL?!?!!?!?

 Seriously who gives a fuck. I don't know who she is, and I mostly lost track of him after Mad Men went off the air, what, five years ago? And even then I didn't watch it.  Somehow he's managed to stay somewhat in the public eye,  probably by being on some different show I don't watch or in some super hero movie I've never heard of. "Big Dick Man"? I bet that's what it's called, because basically all I know is, he apparently has a big dick, because I saw a picture of him on the internet that people were sharing showing that he indeed has a big dick. Seriously, that's all I know about him. Although it's just as likely he had a big dildo stuffed down his pants to give that appearance.  And if you think people in Hollywood wouldn't stoop to a stunt like that for attention, someone needs to get you a one way ticket home from your vacation in Fantasyland.

 And I think the story I barely looked at said she's a producer. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess her job has something to do with HBO, but I won't pay extra for a cable channel to be yelled at by smugnorant assholes like Bill Maher, when I can get all of that I want on Twitter and Facebook for free. Good luck you too wacky kids. Maybe invite me to the wedding or something. I already got you guys coupons for Emmy Polish.

Happy Trails?

As usual I spent the last couple of days scrolling around looking for stuff to write about but there isn't much that's new or anything that really moved me, I honestly don't know why. It's all the same people all the time. The Kardashians, All of those Olivias, Plasticine Instagram "models" with tight faces, zero personality and fake smiles etc., etc., etc...Usually December is the awful month, with that week between Christmas and New Year's Eve being especially bad, but who knows maybe it's starting to spread. I did see something about Johnny Depp, and how his new girlfriend took off or something but I don't know, I'll have to look at it.

 I may be rethinking my whole Twitter "career" as it is anyway, and that's one of the last places anyone comes from to visit this shit-hole blog, but I haven't decided 100% yet. Twitter is already a toxic garbage dump filled mostly with the mentally ill that have - for some reason -  decided a political ideology is their entire personality, and reason for existing, can you imagine what that place is going to be like if Donald Trump gets re-elected? It's hard to write around that, so maybe I should get out ahead of it and hang it up now, but I don't know, like I said I haven't decided. We still have a year.

By the way, I managed to see this person's account that has me blocked and now I'm really pissed off. Their account is such a piece of shit,  the fact that they blocked me is actually an insult. Anyway, whatever, it's not important. I may even take this post down after a while. Maybe it's all just a mood I'll see.

Celine Dion is Back?

This is reason number one why the internet is really starting to bother me. Not Celine Dion herself, I don't care about her one way or the other. It's the way hyperbole is presented as fact.

!!!!!CELINE DION FANS CELEBRATE!!!!!

Oh really? All 19,000 of them? Because that's how many people tweeted about it, and that's according to their own post. And not only that, that's since this morning. It's now almost 7 pm Central Time. That's out of 262 MILLION daily users. I did the math (perhaps incorrectly) and that's 7.251908396946565e-5‬%. I don't know what that number is but it's got a -5 in there at the end so I imagine it's infinitesimally small. Just because it's on the internet doesn't make it true, but it does give me anxiety and that's why I tune almost all of it out. But I am human too so I see it occasionally by accident just like everyone else. Stop. People have been ignoring this stuff so it's like a snowball. It has to get louder and more aggressive until the day comes when opening a browser is going to be like having a steam whistle blowing in your face because that's the only way advertisers are going to get people to pay attention to their garbage anymore.

Eraserhead Meets Space Time Whatever Who Cares

George Lucas and Eraserhead were at yet another Star Wars thing. There seems to be so many of these, I don't even bother keeping track of what they are anymore. Seriously, at this point who cares. Star Wars is now like Gilligan's Island. It's some old show you turn on by accident and sort of ignore while you fold the laundry or vacuum the rug something. But they need to keep extracting money from the 0.5% of the population that gives a shit anymore, so as long as you misfits keep opening your wallets, they'll keep making this garbage because 0.5% of the world's population is still a big number. Listen man, Star Wars happened. It's like punk rock. It was a magical moment in time and now it's gone, those days are over. Pack your bags and find something new to do.

What's Happening

I was kind of looking around but there really doesn't seem to be anything terribly exciting going on. Maybe everyone is riveted to their televisions, watching the Impeachment Inquiry stuff. I'll look in a little bit who knows maybe a nice long nap will help me.

Kelsea Ballerini is a Bombshell

Kelsea Ballerini seems to be the "It" girl of the moment. It comes in floods. You have no idea how many stories I've seen about her in just the last couple of days. That's why you see me write so much about the same people. They're the only ones in the news. Somebody at some record company somewhere is desperate for their investment to pay off I guess, so someone hands someone a bag full of money with a dollar sign on it, and people write about these people for a few months before they're flushed down a memory hole somewhere. Well, someone handed someone a really big bag this time to get them to call Kelsea a "bombshell" which I guess is true if you don't know what girls look like. I'm sure she's very sweet but c'mon man, let's be serious. Who knows maybe 30 years from now everyone will be rushing to buy tickets for The Klsea Ballerini Farewell Tour. It could happen.

Li'l Reese Shot

Oh look another rapper got shot. This time it's someone named "Li'l Reese". You have to remember I have no idea who any of these people are so I don't even look for these stories, they just sort of appear. I will never, ever understand this. I assume since he was shot in the neck he won't be "rapping" anymore. Unless of course it's with one of those things that make you sound like a robot. "I. AM. THE. RAPPING. ROBOT.  lol.

Bad Azz Died

Oh look another rapper died. !!!SURPRISE!!! "Bad Azz"? This time apparently while actually IN jail in what's become known as The Double Whammy.  I'll assume he wasn't shot but I guess you never know, it's possible somebody keistered in a large caliber handgun. Prisoners can be super inventive.

  From this point going forward I'll try to link the last story I wrote about the untimely incarceration or demise of future rappers because I've written too many of them for me to bother with especially considering I have almost no idea who 99.8% of these people are. And most of the links to other stories will be included in the older ones.

  Godspeed Bad Azz, I assume because you were in jail you're probably going to spend eternity boiling in Hell so have a good trip.

A Touch of Gray

Keanu Reeves (I'm sick of checking that I've spelled his name right) has a girlfriend named Alexandra Grant that people are having a shit-fit over. Apparently this shit-fit is occurring because she doesn't dye her hair. I can tell you that if my hair was that gray, I'd die it so fucking black you'd think light couldn't escape the gravity my head produces. But if she wants to walk around looking 30 years older than she is, and also like 74 year old Helen Mirren that's up to her.

 I'm not against gray hair any more than I would be against brown, black, red, purple, blue, or blonde but she's 46. Six years older than Kate Hudson, and the difference of six years in terms of people that age is negligible at best. Between the ages of 35 and 60 people are basically the same. Age differences in that range are mostly strictly numerical at that point,  so you can see where the gray hair-phobia begins. Anyway it's her hair, she can color it or not, if she's a nice person and smart, and funny the color of her hair means exactly zero. And I don't understand why no one has pointed out a more important fact, that Keanu looks like someone shaved a chimpanzee's face and put a suit on him. I bet he looks adorable dressed like a little cowboy.

Kelsea Ballerini is Most likely Human

Kelsea Ballerini is a country singer (?) that was nominated for a People's Choice Award, which I'd forgotten all about. Pretty much like Kelsea Ballerini will be in about three months. I don't think she won but she may have. For all I know she swept every category. And judging by the pictures I saw of her, her entire life has been planned for this moment so she could take a bunch of selfies and post them on Instagram. I'll be honest, I have no idea whether or not she's a talented singer because I've never heard her (she's not),  but she looks like any one of a billion other "social media personalities". Fake, plastic, blonde, rail thin, insincere, filtered, etc. etc... Having said all that I wish her all the best during her 24 month long career. You better save some of those paychecks "Kelsea".

Kate Hudson Likes 'em Greasy

Kate Hudson was at a Baby2Baby award show. At least I think that's what they said it was, but this actually happened a couple of days ago and I just got around to writing about it so the details are a little fuzzy. Her boyfriend, Emperor Hirohito or whatever the fuck his name is (I looked it up it's Danny Fujikawa), has apparently decided showers aren't really his thing. He always look so greasy. Maybe he just got out of the shower and he's still wet, I guess that's possible.  But she looks great. Like really great. Shockingly great. She basically looks like this rich woman fantasy I've had where...okay whoa never mind. Anyway, I was going to crop him out, as he's utterly unnecessary but I'm a fair guy so I didn't. I don't know how to end this so I'll just like to add, call me Kate.

Halle Berry has Abs

Halle Berry has abs now for some MMA movie she's making I guess. Halle Berry having abs is not enough to make me see a movie about MMA fighting. Nothing is. Jennifer Aniston naked in a trench coat and heels in an MMA movie wouldn't make me see an MMA movie. Either way, abs or not, is fine with me although I prefer her with short hair. What? Hair length doesn't really matter all that much to me, or at all, but I like women that have short hair. I don't really know why but I think it's cute. I'M NOT A FREAK. THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER.

Am I Sorry? No Not Really, Trust Me

I sometimes wonder who these people are. Random accounts I stumble across that have me blocked on Twitter are always very weird to me. I've never seen this person - ever - so I wouldn't know to block them. I poked around some of the links that were in their bio that I could see, and of course it's all the usual super-hyper -activist stuff. You know, drooling and thrashing and breathing fire over whatever latest political thing is happening, that the TV told them to be mad about.

 They probably still wake up mad and sweaty about the election and go to bed mad about gas prices or pollution or the way the bus schedule changed or how the guy didn't say thanks for holding the door for them at the gas station or how the neighbors cat is pooping in their flowers or whatever rattles around in their head. Oh sure they look normal and can even smile in your face and be nice but inside it's probably a steaming cauldron of rage and noise that probably needs medication to fix. And it's not just this person. I see a couple of them a week.Which is fine believe me it's probably better they aren't around me, I've been around a bit and these types are better left alone with their demons, and I'd wind up muting them anyway.  I don't know I guess that's how the internet goes

Britney Spears Has Issues

Britney Spears admitted to having self esteem issues in an Instagram post...

 I have self esteem problems so I slouch ... These poses help me everyday become stronger and it’s quite fun doing them,' she wrote. 'I feel so different every time I do it, cause I’m not used to the feeling of my back being out !!!!

 I'm no psychiatrist but I'd say those self esteem problems probably stem from those shoes. You don't have to walk around all dolled up in four inch stilettos 24 hours a day but c'mon. Even plain ordinary flip-flops would have been better, why is no one telling her this stuff? Your handlers have a certain responsibility, and keeping you from wandering the streets in Birkenstocks should be top priority numero uno.

!!!BREAKING JENNIFER ANISTON NEWS!!!

She went out to dinner with friends last night. Pretty exciting isn't it? Reese Witherspoon was around there somewhere but seriously who cares. Not that guy in the foreground though, who knows or cares who that is. I hope that's not her bodyguard. Because it looks like you could probably get that guy to give her up for a couple of beers and a Motley Crue cassette tape, but Hollywood is weird so maybe he is her bodyguard. No word yet on who the dark haired woman is, but I'll keep my eyes peeled for any updates and I'll keep you posted.

Kristen Stewart is Edgy

This picture is from a story called "Kristen Stewart Shows off Her Edgy Sense of Style". But I call it "Emotionally stunted 30 Year Old Exposes Mental Health Issues Through a Manner of Dress". It's got it all. The chains, the David Bowie shirt, the emo make-up, the boots... Honestly, high school kids and overly dramatic (gay) and emotional art students have been dressing like this since The Cure released their first album in 1979, so this isn't anything new. I mean, I know it's new and original to you, but you're 15 years old so pretty much everything is new and exciting to you. Kind of like when you rattle keys in front of a baby.

Anne Hathaway is Pregnant

Anne Hathaway is pregnant? I didn't know that, but here's proof. She's eating ice cream. Maybe she has the pickles in her pocket. Did you know she has to give birth over a pile of hay so the baby has a soft place to land? You know, like a giraffe. I'm saying she reminds me of a giraffe. Her last baby could walk immediately after birth because life is rough on the plains. You gotta be ready or you're done for. She should name any new baby Geoffrey, yes even if it's a girl. Did you get all those references? Good.

Meghan Markle is a Robot

Someone forgot to throw Meghan Markle's on switch. Don't they practice this stuff? That's a pretty serious blunder considering all the pomp and circumstance surrounding everything these assholes do.

Jeff Goldblum Talks Turkey

Eccentric, 67 year old weirdo, Jeff Goldblum talked about having kids with his 36 year old wife. You know, I just wrote something about a 35 year old woman that was getting ripped to shreds in the comments for marrying a 70 year old man, yet for some reason nearly 70 year old Jeff Goldblum's 36 year old wife was fawned over like she just gave birth to the world's cutest baby kangaroo. Why is that? Oh I know, because you dimwits can't think for yourselves and Jeff Goldblum is the current internet darling of the moment so I guess the fact that she's half his age doesn't matter. Why would an attractive, 36 year old hard bodied, former gymnast and circus contortionist want to marry a 67 year old fruit loop? Oh, by the way, Jeff Goldblum has an estimated personal net worth somewhere around $40 million dollars.

T.I is Nuts

Library card holder T.I . says he goes to the gynecologist with his daughter to make sure she's still a virgin

“This is the thing. Deyjah’s 18, just graduated high school now and she’s attending her first year of college, figuring it out for herself,” the rapper said. “And yes, not only have we had the [sex] conversation, we have yearly trips to the gynecologist to check her hymen.”

I'm sorry that's beyond ridiculous but I think it's hilarious that that's what people on the internet get mad at a rapper for. Here are just a few stories I've written about rappers that have either been murdered of sent to prison FOREVER.  There are even more links inside each one of those stories but I can't link them all, I don't get paid for this you know. Making sure your daughter is a virgin is bizarre but...I don't know man. It hardly seems much worse than all the other stuff they've been rapping about for 30 odd plus years. Oh by the way here's at least a partial list of rappers that are currently in prison for various crimes ranging from perjury to murder. Some for life. You guys have a weird sense of morality I can tell you that much.

If I were a better writer instead of just some dumb asshole with a computer, I could probably explain my position better. "I excuse these abhorrent behaviors, but not this abhorrent behavior"? Is that better? Whatever, I understand what I'm saying, and frankly, what you think isn't all that important.

Sections of Border Fence Covered with Pictures of a Scowling Joy Behar. "It's cheaper and it works" says Border Patrol

Al Pacino and Francis Ford Coppola Move Around

Al Pacino and Francis Ford Coppola stopped haunting rural bridges long enough to show up at the Hollywood Film Awards which I've never heard of, but they must be big time since they convinced two trolls to leave their homes unguarded. Later they both clubbed and ate the bones of "Breakout Actor" Taron Egerton. His career was great while it lasted I guess

Katherine Foster is Famous

35 year old, middling, D-List nobody Katherine Foster posed for pictures in a bathing suit in front of her 70 year old husband's helicopter that was parked on her 70 year old husband's yacht off the coast of Mexico. I guess I have to ask myself, would I fuck a 70 year old man for access to a helicopter, and a yacht? My answer to that would be a resounding mind your own business.

I Missed the MTV EMAs

The MTV EMAs(?) were last night (Sunday) and I'm sorry I missed them and didn't get to see which people showed up like that dead-eyed simpleton and her boyfriend with the Gumby shaped head in the picture above. I don't even know what EMA stands for. Electronic Music Art? Elephants Masturbate Aggressively? I admit it seems like a weird name for an MTV show but kids today are stupid beyond description so maybe it's just how things are now. I hope that guy got home before his sneakers got dirty.

Late Halloween Thing

Stella Maxwell went out on Halloween dressed like a spooky skeleton. I don't know what the snake was for the costume is scary enough.



You see where that paragraph/sentence ends? That's the exact spot where I stopped caring and I decided I wasn't going any further.

Britney In Wonderland

There's a possibility that I write about Britney Spears too much. I know that.  If you want me to write about you all you have to do is be hot and dress like my Alice in Wonderland sex fantasy. That should be easy for you to remember. She looks good in blue don't you think? Like really good. It's her color. Although I'm still 100% against the black heels. Not in general, believe me I do like them, just not with that outfit. Wouldn't red have been better? Listen Britney, I'm available to help dress you. We can have tea, or maybe punch, and I'll pick out your clothes and watch while you try them on.  Maybe we can playfully slap each other and watch cartoons and see where it goes from there you know? I was going to talk about how much I like the flooring in her house, and how it's probably not safe to have that area rug on a slippery tile floor like that but now I'm thinking about playfully slap fighting Britney Spears and I gotta go.

Cardi B is Evil I Guess

I was going to talk about how Cardi B dressed like a "sexy evil nun" -- or whatever that's supposed to be -- and how cute I thought she was then she went an ruined it. Is that a genetic deformity? All of the Kardashians have it too. Whatever it is it's gross and I'm out of here.

Leonardo DiCaprio is All Smiles

Leonardo DiCaprio and "Climate Activist" Camilla Thornburg are dating. Okay they aren't really, but she's only six years younger than his current girlfriend. Carmella would be a high school sophomore and his current girlfriend Camila Morrone would be a college sophomore. Plus they're both named Cathy so you can see why I got confused. I don't know when "climate activist" became a job but I like yelling at people and feeling superior to others so you can see why I would probably be pretty good at it.

Brooks Nader is 23 and I'm the Sultan of Brunei

I saw a story that was absolutely gushing about the newest Sports Illustrated model named Brooks Nader. The story said she was 23 but it also named George "Goober" Lindsey as the man who was on the grassy knoll that shot John F Kennedy so I'm not really sure they can be trusted. 23? C'mon man, I'm willing to believe almost anything an attractive woman tells me but don't assume I'm an idiot, I mean let's get real. Look if it makes you feel any better I don't care if you're 203 but don't make things worse by lying, especially since it's so unnecessary.

Jennifer Garner is Cute

Jennifer Garner dressed up for Halloween yesterday and posted it on her Instagram of course. She's almost 50 years old, which is unbelievable. But a sexy mailbox? Okay, whatever, I have to admit it works for me.