Thursday, December 20, 2012

Taylor Swift Likes 'Em Young

Here's a picture of Taylor Swift and her new boyfriend, high school student Harry Styles, whoever that is. Isn't she an adult? Why is she dating sophomores in high school now? Has that kid even started shaving? Is this legal? I wonder if they get the same looks I always get when I'm dating high school students. I bet they don't. What a sexist world we live in.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Megan Fox is a Time Lord


I know she's supposed to be hot and the internet has a non stop raging boner for her, and I'm sure she's a perfectly nice person but, is it just me or is Megan Fox not aging well? Keep in mind she was 26 years old when this picture was taken two days ago not 66 years ago like I originally thought.

UPDATE!: I have no idea what anything in this story means. This must have been written when I had a fever.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Doug Henning's Kid Buys a New House

Doug Henning, and Gallagher's son (those guys are gay aren't they?),  professional wooden board rider Shawn White just blew nearly $4 million on a new 3500 square foot beach front home...
Inside the posh property, the snowboarding superstar enjoys floor to ceiling ocean viewsin practically every room. His enormous deck overlooking the picturesque sea has a fir pit and more stairs leading up to the roof.
 For riding skate boards? Or snow boards? Or whatever the hell it is he does? What the hell? Gee, I'm glad I work hard and bust my ass every day. I'm sure if I keep my nose to the grindstone and try really hard, I'll bet my new $4 million dollar house is right around the corner.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

A Quick Test

I can't find anything worth writing about and I'm kinda bored so I came up with a little quiz for you. Ready? One of these women is 26 years old, and the other just recently turned 50. Which one is which? There is no answer key because if you get it wrong you're a brain damaged dumb ass and shouldn't be reading this anyway.  I've never been very good at giving quizzes that's why I couldn't be a teacher. Well...that and all that other stuff but I don't really talk about that much anymore.

Monday, November 26, 2012

What Happened to Pamela Anderson's Head?

I swiped this story about model (?) Alice Eve (?) from WWTDD because I'm lazy and also because when I first saw this picture I thought Pamela Anderson had suddenly developed Down's Syndrome, which probably wouldn't be bad if you wanted to sleep with her because she'd be easier to trick than usual.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Justin Bieber is a Huge Stud Now


 Tired of getting sand kicked in your face?  Justin Bieber sure was so he started pumping iron, instead of having big burly guys pumping him. Allegedly.
Bieber’s gone buff! Justin Bieber flaunted his six pack abs in the latest photo he posted on his Twitter page. The singer looked noticeably toned in the photo, wearing tracksuit pants that made his white boxer briefs visible.
Every story about this should be titled..."Justin Bieber Shows of his 'Muscles'" making sure to put the word muscles in quotation marks. I bet at the rate he's going, he can win third or fourth place in an IFBB Women's Fitness Bikini  Model contest with no problem at all.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Facial Symmetry is a Puzzle


It's already been a long day and it's only 10:30 am so I could be misinterpreting this story, so maybe someone can help me out...
Many of our most famous faces prove that the old "perfect symmetry" beauty rule can (and should) be broken. In this gallery, we've flipped the pictures of your favorite stars to see what they'd look like if one side of their face was exactly the same as the other—aka perfect symmetry.Weird, right?
So, are they saying these celebrity faces are asymmetrical, therefore proving the theory of a symmetrical face wrong? Because if that's what they're saying they have failed miserably. I will suggest that Ryan Reynolds looks like a freak, but I aside from some abs, I don't know what women see in him anyway. But Halle Berry looks the same no matter what, and shes hot as fuck.  I don't know who the weirdo is in the third set of pictures.

 Am I reading this wrong? Are they saying they're symmetrical and therefore pretty? Or are they saying they are not symmetrical and therefore pretty. Because they look pretty symmetrical to me. And just for the record, this is the most I've ever used the word symmetrical in my entire life. I don't know, maybe my reading comprehension is off. It's not like I'm ever gonna have sex with any of these people anyway. At least not that they'll be aware of.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Why?

I bet you'll be surprised to hear that I've been punched, and if it hasn't happened to you, I can tell you it hurts and you really aren't missing anything. Still I guess if your gonna get punched it might as well be by a cute girl with tattoos and not some behemoth wildebeest of a woman like you might find in a certain bar just outside of Chicago. I'm willing to bet they hit harder than that guy with the highlights though.

UPDATE!  The person with the highlights is a guy isn't it?

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Hire Billy For Your Next Party or Flea Market

Way to shoot for the stars...
After a two year campaign to get his far-flung friends together for a great time the irrepressible Seattle man has actually persuaded Idol to play at his birthday party Friday night.
I's not as if Billy Idol has a whole lot of other stuff going on. I guess Seattle really is the land where music goes to die. Maybe Billy can hire that bass player from Nirvana that's a city councilman or something now. I could be wrong of course but I haven't really thought much about him since roughly 1989. Which - coincidentally - is the same year my girlfriend Lisa dumped me. That bitch. Of course I blamed Billy Idol at the time, why wouldn't I? Nothing is ever my fault.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The World's Most Expensive Sex Toy

At $15,000 this is supposed to be the world's most expensive sex toy. That's funny, I thought the world's most expensive sex toy was my first ex. A house, two cars, all the money in my bank account, the dog. Maybe if I didn't call her "sex toy"...Oh well. Live and learn.

$150,000? Really?

I've never seen this show, but I know the internet loves it or hates it or something. To be honest, I only pay attention to what the internet says when it's something I wrote, and even then I'm only half paying attention at best, because the internet is stuffed with retards. But I'm not really doing anything right now so I thought I'd just put this up to ruin your day. I figure it's almost noon so if you're reading this at all (you're not), it's from inside your suicide inducing, soul crushing, windowless, gray walled cubicle, wondering which bills you can blow off this week after you get paid slaving 1/3 of your daily life away.
  
So here ya go...
Honey Boo Boo Child net worth and salary: Honey Boo Boo Child net worth: Honey Boo Boo Child’s net worth is $150 thousand dollars and her family is paid salary of $20,000 per episode.
 $20,000 per episode. So, every week, TLC pays these people almost half of what the average American family earns all year. Have fun picking up your $600 paycheck (after taxes) on Friday, and remember, Honey Boo Boo's family are the idiots.

Friday, October 12, 2012

The Tardis by Kim Kardashian


 Kim Kardashian posted a photo on Instagram of one of the dresses that I guess are part of her clothing line. It's pretty easy to see what the selling point of this dress will be. Some nerds out there will recognize the new name of this dress. "The Tardis". It looks smaller on the outside than it actually is.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Jerry Sandusky Got 30 to 60 years


Good. I hope he suffers every day.
Former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky was today sentenced to spend no less than 30 years in prison for child sex abuse charges, effectively meaning he will spend the rest of his life in jail.
 I'm Guessing he probably will.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Lady Gaga Has Bulimia

Okay, maybe not really but she did throw up on stage in Barcelona during a concert. Thank God she was probably lip-syncing so there was no real break in the music. It's a possibility the sound guy accidentally turned the stage monitors up too loud and she finally got a chance to actually hear the music. That guy should probably start getting his resume together.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

MTV's Originality Continues

Midget bodyguard pioneer David Lee Roth with his prototypes
I guess the host of this year's MTV Video Music Awards Kevin Hart had midget bodyguards. That's something I've never seen before. Still...I guess you don't need full size bodyguards when not that many people know who you are.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Russel Crowe Got Lost


Russel Crowe, who, according to that picture, is the illegitimate son of Bill Murray, and Santa Claus, went kayaking of the coast of New York and managed to get lost...
He just needed a little bit of help, he just got a little lost," Swieciki said. "It wasn't really a rescue, really, more of just giving someone a lift."Swieicki said no one was injured, and the two men were wearing life vests. He said the actor, who was grateful and friendly, seemed like he was a fairly experienced kayaker.
They were on the beach. In New York. Lost. I'm glad the Coast Card didn't have anything better to do than give a lift to a couple of dumb shits that couldn't walk a few blocks and call a cab.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Pussy Riot Gets Two Years



I guess this is video of what got the Russian punk band Pussy Riot two years in prison. Two years in a Russian prison. Jesus that sounds horrible. Not the prison part, the music part. I only made it to around the 45 second mark and I actually like punk rock, and other kinds of music the girls I work with call "scary".

Pussy Riot is just lucky I wasn't the judge or I would have had them all taken outside and shot.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Most Nerve Wracking Thing You'll See All Day



I was literally on the edge of my seat. If you watch only one tension filled two minute movie this summer, make sure it's this one.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Where's Charlton Heston?



Not only is Scientology crazy, but they also have shitty decorating sense. I guess the headline picture is a room in their "Super Power Building". It also sounds like they let the Japanese name stuff for them too. "Time to go to Super Power Room and worship ancestor ghost for prosperity and riches!" My guess is they found that stuff on an MGM lot when MGM was throwing out all the old sets to Soylent Green, or Rollerball. Or maybe they thought they could attach this to one of those L-1011's or whatever kind of planes they talk about launch this into space and they could call it Bespin.

Sorry I wrote this a week ago or more and then forgot all about it. It was sitting here so I figured "hey it's mostly done, and a lot of the words a spelled right so why not?"


Friday, July 6, 2012

You Have To Watch This




If you haven't already figured this out, I hate everything, and everybody all the time almost as a reflex. If I met you in a bar tonight - right now - the odds are I'd want to murder you almost instantly. And I'm actually not even in a terribly bad mood at the moment. It's really just part of my charm.

And boy you better believe I was ready to hate this, especially during the first 24 seconds I watched it. With the brief  clips of some obnoxious AV club member asshole on full display, I almost stopped it immediately.

But I didn't, and it is awesome. I wish I'd thought of something this clever. So watch it. Seriously.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Somebody needs a razor





Jennifer Aniston and Henry David Theroux or whatever his name is, returned from Europe and promptly blew $21 million dollars on a house. $21 million? For just two people? And it had no furniture. You'd think for that kind of money it might come with an old Foosball table the old owner didn't want. 
Aniston purchased an 8,500 square-foot estate overlooking the Pacific Ocean recently.The property, which comes with its own vineyard, is currently being refurbished so that it is perfect for the couple to set up home in.
Oh I see it's in her name. Right. I mean - let's not get nuts- right Jen? You're just getting married it isn't for life or anything. And that's all fine, but I think Justin is missing the bigger picture. Dude. She's already stopped shaving her legs. What's next? Crapping with the door open? Maybe a farmer's wipe while your at the zoo? I know she has all the fame, and money but do you want to spend the rest of your life sleeping next to a gorilla? Hey man it's your life.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Spice Girls Reunion!


It's exactly the the world has been waiting for. A Spice Girls reunion. Oh wait no one asked for this. Except me but more in the form of a Spice Girls MILF porn reunion type thing. That's still possible right? All except for that broom stick that always leans to the side like that. They can leave her out.

Monday, June 25, 2012

I think Jerry Sandusky Has a Problem





Uh oh. Football coach and convicted child molester Jerry Sandusky has a tiny little problem. I mean aside from the fact that he could potentially be sentenced up to 500 years for his crimes.

No this sentence is a little more immediate.

An inmate who identified himself only as “Josh” told The Daily that he and other prisoners sang well-known lyrics from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” to Sandusky. “At night, we were singing ‘Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone,’” Josh was quoted as saying. Though Sandusky was held alone in a separate cell reportedly designated for sex offenders and those with mental illnesses, he was still visible to other inmates, who mocked him with their singing when the lights went out for the night, The Daily reported.
 Yeah that seems kinda bad.  Especially considering where child abusers fall on the totem pole while in prison...
Once their crime has become known, they usually don't make it" without protective custody, said Lt. Ken Lewis, a corrections officer and spokesman at California's Los Angeles County State Prison. "There's a lot of [pedophiles] that can successfully make it … as long as they don't brag about their offense. If they do talk, "they'll get beat up," Lewis added. "In some places he may even get his throat cut."

If you don't believe ABC News I found a nifty little place called Prison Talk. It's a place with threads with titles like, Does The Prison Your Loved One is at Have a Restaurant and Should masturbation in prison be allowed. There's a lot more there but I can't figure out if it's for families, or people that are dating prisoners or what, and after a few minutes of trying to figure it out, I got bored and left. Although it does seem like the kind of place where you could cause some trouble.

Ahem. Sorry I was going off the rails there a little. Back to Jerry who's been placed on suicide watch. God I hope that means if he commits suicide, we get to watch. That's what that means right?





Saturday, June 2, 2012

Gimme Anything This Much



 The Daily Mail has pictures of what they're calling a voluptuous Mariah Carey. Here's an action photo of her ordering cake for dessert. I want a piece twice as big as this is what she is saying.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Great Preparation Kathy


Former cruise pitch woman, (she was hot right?) and talk show robot - and I'm sure she did some other stuff too I'm just not exactly sure what - decided to ask Martin Short how his lovely wife was doing, to which Martin replied "skeletonizing". No I'm pretty sure he didn't, but he could have because Kathy didn't bother to find out that she's been dead for two years.

You and Nancy have one of the greatest marriages of anybody in show business. How many years now for you guys?'
Confused, Short replied: 'We... have... married ... 36 years.'
'But you are still like, in love,'Gifford went on, prompting Martin to proffer: 'Madly in love, madly in love.'
'Why?' a smiling Gifford said, continuing the exchange.
'Cute, I'm cute,' Martin replied, before Kotb jovially interjected: 'That is true.'

If you read just that exchange, and nothing else, like I did, I think you could safely assume that Martin Short keeps his dead  wife in her wedding dress in a closet in their house. Maybe Kathy Lee Gifford really tripped him up and forced him to answer some uncomfortable questions, and her subsequent apology for asking that question was merely because she felt bad for blowing Shorts' cover. Hey what do you expect from Hollywood. It's the Land of the Weirdo.

Broke Because of Strippers?

 Do you remember the TV show 'Small Wonder' that ran in the mid  80's about that little girl that was a robot or super hero or detective or something? No? I don't either. She had a monotone voice so I think that signified she was a robot, but whatever. Well  the other kid on that show, Jerry Supiran,  is apparently broke now and living under a bridge somewhere....


When I was 18, I dated a stripper and she took what was left of my trust fund - then one of my advisers stole a half-million dollars from me. I've worked at different steakhouses for the last 15 years, but two years ago I was laid off from a restaurant in Henderson, Nevada, due to the economy. I haven't been able to find a job since."... So I either sleep at the homeless shelter I volunteer at, or under a local bridge."

 Poor chump. That sucks. But if you're gonna get involved with strippers you should probably know a few things. First, they only like you for your money, second, they usually won't tell you their real names, and they definitely won't see you outside of the club. Except for Raven. She swears that all that is going to be different for me and it's all because of the flowers I send and the hundreds of dollars I give her for her sick mother every week. Hey ex-wife! Who's stupid now?

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I'm Make Some Money!







One of the degenerate retards from Jersey Shore is getting a chance to make still more money off of the brain damaged imbeciles that watch their show....

DelVecchio hopes to re-create the success of Bethenny Frankel's Skinnygirl Cocktails with Remix, a premixed vodka concoction to be marketed as a “pregame” beverage for the club-hopping set. To that end, DelVecchio, 31, has partnered with David Kanbar, co-founder of Skinnygirl, and brought out of retirement Tom Bruno, formerly of Sidney Frank Importing Co., which counts Grey Goose among its top shelf brands.
This really is a no brainer.  They just have to market it the right way. Especially to the kind of knuckle heads that watch these idiots. You just sell one that already comes infused with your favorite date rape drug! 'GHB Explosion' tastes like cherry, and 'Robo Party!' - the one with Roofies - tastes exactly like lemons! How would I know what date rape drugs taste like? Shut up that's how.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

A Hennessey? Sounds Classy!



Frog faced idiot Steven Tyler spent $1.1 million dollars on that stupid looking car.

 If you ask me it looks he spent about $1 million too much.
Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler just took delivery of the world's fastest convertible. The Hennessey Venom GT Spyder will accelerate to 200mph in 15.9 seconds, eight seconds faster than a Bugatti Veyron. Tyler was the first person to ask if he could have his without a top.

 Like I always say, if you want to show the world you have class, just make sure you pay too much for something that has the name "Hennessy" on it because that doesn't sound ghetto at all. Hey next time, why not try to buy a Cristal Viper? Or how about one of these?  If Steven wants to spend a million dollars on something maybe he should try buying some of his dignity back.


Monday, May 28, 2012

Oh That's Original



Already? Apparently this has been spotted in California. That didn't take long. It's good to see the American Left is as creative as ever. I remember a certain someone that was an actual leftist vegetarian, animal loving socialist type from a while back... What was his name...?

Saturday, May 26, 2012

WTF Is Wrong With the Japanese?



Is this story real? This story cannot be real...


Mao Sugiyama had his penis and testicles surgically removed in March and kept them frozen for two months before dishing them out – seasoned and braised – to customers at an event hall on May 13, according to postings on his Twitter account and local police. Diners paid 20,000 yen ($250) for the plate with a portion of genitals. Pictures published on a website appeared to show the meal came complete with mushrooms and a parsley garnish.
 Did everybody in Japan suddenly decide that Human Centipedes weren't disgusting enough? Is this all because of that nuclear reactor explosion? What is wrong with them?

By the way, I used that Kristen Bell picture for two reasons. Number 1, I would set a bag full of puppies on fire just to be able to touch her hair, and B. you don't want to type "Chopped Off Penis" into Google images with the safe search turned off. Trust me.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

The Sexiest Woman I've ever Seen



 I suddenly have strange feelings this morning. Could it be love? I bet it is. I won't let you come between me and my woman!

According to BRW 2012 rich 200 list, Ms. Rinehart’s net worth is now $29.7 billion. That tops Ms. Walton’s $26 billion pile. Ms. Rinehart’s fortune has nearly tripled over the past year – at the rate of more than $1 million per hour

Sometimes it's not all about looks, or how someone dresses, or their personality or sense of humor. Sometimes it's about the things you can't really see. Like the $29 billion dollars they have in the bank. Oh sure you could call me an unscrupulous man-whore, or a gigolo, or even a disgusting human being, but you better yell it because I won't be able to hear you over the Lamborghini with the blower, and lift kit, and machine guns on the front that I'll be driving past you at 195 miles an hour.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

What Happened to Nicole Eggert?






 Hey! I remember the Nicole Eggert on the left. The one on the right? Not so much. I imagine that back pack is stuffed with Oreo Cookies, and those fried chicken breast sandwiches they sell at KFC.

See? This is what happens to you when you start squirting out a bunch of kids, and stop caring. I bet her husband is thrilled. Way to ruin my day Daily Mail. Let the excuses begin!

'You know how Hollywood is. When you go on auditions and you look great and gorgeous and then they say you look old, that’s a bit of a kicker.
'On anybody else the weight gain wouldn’t have been as noticeable.
'She wasn’t really that heavy, but she was on Baywatch and everyone expected her to still be that. She’s not 18 anymore.'
The weight wouldn't have been noticeable on anyone else? Who? Gabourey Sidibe? But the source is right, she's not 18 anymore. She's 40.  Gee that's really over the hill. You know who else isn't 18 anymore? Sandra Bullock (Turns 48 in July). Jennifer Aniston (turned 43 in February) Gina Gershon (50 in June) Mira Sorvino (She shockingly turns 45 in September, and has three or four kids). Oh and here's Raquel Welch before she turns seventy two in a few months. I suppose your next question would be would I do it with a 72 year old? The short answer to that would be yes. The long answer to that would be yes please. What kind of question is that? What are you. Some kind of pervert?

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Pippa Middleton Shops at Merry-Go-Round



Pippa Middleton showed up at a fancy dress ball that I thought only happened in the movies in the 1950's for some french dude (?) named Viscount Arthur de Soultrai. Unfortunately for her she thought she was going to be an extra in a Cinderella reunion video.  On the other hand the EU is one huge nanny state which is lucky for her because Aqua Net has been outlawed because Muslims think it's too "Western" so she didn't show up with huge crimped up 80's hair.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Are You Preparing for the End...?


...I sure hope so.  And here's why.

Because I am not.

 Despite what most prepper "types" would have you believe, there will likely be some kind of advanced notice.  Even if it's just a few hours. But that might be enough. The world is now on a 24 hour news cycle and we can learn in a few seconds about a terrorist attack that takes place in even the most remote parts of the world. But what I am going to do if I start to see hints of the coming apocalypse is start joining up with prepper internet groups. I'll try for local groups that are close to me, and I'll let them do all the work stock piling food, weapons, etc.

And then I'll wait. And I'll watch.

Oh they might last a few days, or weeks cooped up in their little bunkers with all of their prepackaged food and whatnot, but at some point they'll have to go outside for some reason, whether it be for fresh air, water, sunlight, or just to see what is happening. And outside is where the real survivors will be. There's an old saying criminals on the run/terrorists have, and that's... "We only have to be lucky once, you have to be lucky all the time.” Hunkered down "preppers" will have to be lucky all day, every day. Every single day. And they won't be that lucky. No one is. It's the people that have learned to live and survive outside that will rule the wastelands.

When I watch "Doomsday Preppers" on TV, I'm struck by the common thread with all the preppers that, when "the shit hits the fan" - as they seem all too happy to say over, and over again - they think they will survive somehow and the poor rabble that was unprepared and is lucky enough to survive will come to them, and it's the preppers that will dole out the food, and water, and be the ones that help the world and be everybody's saviors. But I'll be honest. If I show up at a prepper's front door it won't be so they can be my savior. It will be because I want to kill and eat them. And I will.

What really made all of this click for me, was an episode of "Doomsday Preppers", where there was a woman that survived through the whole Khmer Rouge/Pol Pot thing, and was now married to a dentist or doctor and could barely hide her contempt for all of his prepping activities, and all but declared what a waste of time it all was because she'd been there and it doesn't work. Maybe we'll be lucky and we'll never have to find out if all this prepping is a waste of time. But if something happens, and I survive the initial catastrophe and the preppers are ready for it, I'll be ready too. So sleep tight!

I'll be watching you.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Assassins!


Professional idiot Kim Kardashian was "flour bombed" last night, or as disgusting fat ass Kim  would like to call it, attacked with an unfinished cake. Someone was just trying to find the wet spot I guess.
The attacker's motive remains unclear. TMZ reports that she screamed "fur hag" at one point. She was taken into custody briefly, but Kardashian declined to press charges and she was released, TMZ also reported.
After she was powdered, Kardashian--the celebrity people love to hate and hate to love--was wisked to an anteroom where she removed her flour-doused coat. She brushed the flour out of her locks and then returned to the red carpet to promote the launch of her new fragrance, "True Reflection."
I don't know who did this. I do know it was a woman, and I think I saw a picture of her but I got sick of looking for more information about her so if you find anything just let me know Be sure to send it to deceiverjr@gmail.com so I can delete it that much faster.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Actually Mr. Smart Ass....



I do.  And it's the original one with my cute little foot prints on the back. I had to show it when I went on a cruise, and when I went to Jamaica. Then I needed it to apply for a passport (I think), and for a few other reasons that escape me right now. But I have it. And I could produce the original within an hour if I had too. Just sayin'.

Miley Cyrus is Still an Asshole


After being photographed parking in a handicapped space so she wouldn't have as far to walk to go "work out" (doing pilates isn't working out by the way) Miley "Pan Face" Cyrus decided to go incognito because the paparazzi apparently aren't too smart and would never think to look for her in a different car right? At the gym she goes too. All the time. I bet after doing her fake work out she just put on her best costume and snuck out right past them. "Hey why is that mule walking out of a pilates studio?" I bet they all said.

Friday, March 16, 2012

I Hate My Heart!

I guess God likes smashing things with a hammer too. Like comedian Gallagher's heart...
His manager, Craig Marquardo, tells TheWrap that Gallagher "had met a few fans and whatnot, and he was in the office (of Hat Tricks) when he felt a little tired. So he went in and sat down, and then (club employees) went in and checked on him and he wasn't feeling good, so they called an ambulance."He was feeling the onset of a heart attack," Marquardo says. "He just didn't know it at the time."
He'll be in the hospital for a few days but he'll be fine. And if he isn't, can you just imagine how fun the funeral is gonna be?  Ray Jay Johnson (You can call me Ray, and you can call me Jay, just be sure to call me an ambulance as fast as you can if I suffer a massive coronary and need to get to the ER today!)  will be there, Rick Dees will perform "Disco Duck," and if you bring some fruit maybe they'll let you smash it up with the coffin lid.

UPDATE!!  I just noticed....Why the fuck does "Disco Duck" have 1.5 million views??

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Hot Lesbian Sex With Gillian Anderson

I used this picture because...boobs

Remember that woman from that show that ended 10 years ago? The one that you wonder 'whatever happened to her?' once in a while? The one I always used to think was Ann Jillian? Well if you haven't thought about her for a while (you haven't) you will now because... LESBIANS!  Gee I wonder if that was the plan.
"I was in a relationship with a girl for a long time when I was in high school," the 43-year-old mother of three said, recalling other past relationships that included a "punk rock drug addict" and somebody "way, way older" than her as well.
 The punk rock drug addict sounds interesting, but the way, way older one? Was it her P.E. teacher? You know the ones that always look like a lumberjack? I bet it was. And if lesbians are all it takes to get your name in the news, E! coulld do a cover story about me, just check out my bookmark folder labeled "Auto Parts" that fucker is full of lesbians.






Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Cable Was Out

I had a Pulitzer Prize winning story all ready to go in my head. It was gonna be big. Then someone "Cut a fiber optic line" owned by my cable company so I had no service all day and I forgot what the story was about. So maybe I'll find a new one tomorrow.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Name Five Bruce Springsteen Songs. No Cheating!

That's Bruce Springsteen on the cover of Newsweek from 1974. Someone that's 17 years old today would consider me old and in 1974 my mother was 24 years old. This is what a computer looked like in 1974. You could still buy one of these in 1974.

With Bruce Spingsteen's "Wrecking Ball" hovering around number 11 on iTunes, this guy is wondering if Bruce Springsteen fans are just too old to download it, and would prefer to buy the actual, physical CD.

You know... Because they're old.
What it does say about Springsteen’s fans is that they are not downloaders. This is something that should set off light bulbs at record companies. Tony Bennett’s fans aren’t downloaders either. But he’s sold bucketloads of his “Duets II” albums. Physical CDs are still in high demand for people 40 and older. They want the CD package in their hands–a souvenir, evidence of something they’ve purchased, an addition to a collection of past CDs of their favorite artists. Also, they still don’t really get the technical part of downloading music.
 For comparison he threw Tony Bennett in there as an example. A guy my grandmother loved. I won't argue with him that some of the fans of Bruce Springsteen are too old to get all this "newfangled computeratin' stuff" because it's probably true. After all someone that was just 30 years old and probably a hip young partyin' type when Bruce Springsteen's first album was released on January 5, 1973 would be sixty nine years old this year. Don't think that's old? Get caught behind them in traffic some day. Or stand behind them at one of those Chinese Super Computers otherwise known as an "ATM Machine". 

But I would also have added that maybe, just maybe,  no one gives a shit about Bruce Springsteen anymore. Ask any 20 year old today who Bruce Springsteen is. Or Paul McCartney. Or Mick Jagger. Most of them won't know who they are. If they do know of them it'll be by name only. They'll know of them the way my friends knew of Glenn Miller.

Bruce Springsteen, along with the rest of those geriatrics, are nothing more than oldies acts. They're todays version of Buddy Holly, or The Big Bopper. Any day now you'll start seeing those guys crop up in commercials about reverse mortgages, and non-slip shower liners in commercial breaks during "Judge Judy". Hey I don't want that either. Personally, I'd rather they just go away.

Because if I have to hear "Born to Run"one more time I'm pouring sugar into the gas tank of the first Buick LeSabre I see.

Friday, March 9, 2012

HAHA! HAHAHA! Awesome.

I should start this by saying I've never listened to even one second of Rush Limbaugh. I'm not even sure I've ever heard the sound of his voice, so take that for what it's worth.  But it seems he's gotten himself into a spot of bother (That's right. I type in an English accent) by calling some woman, somewhere, a slut, or a prostitute, or fat, or something.  And as is usually the case, the internet/Twitter/Facebook went into outrage over-drive, because that's what they do.

And because of that outrage, the internet/Twitter/Facebook, started demanding some sponsors - or more accurately - all sponsors pull all of the advertising off of his radio show. You know, the one that's on 600+ stations, and has around 20 million listeners every day?

By the way. For comparison, that's almost as many radio listeners every day as the number one show on television - American Idol - has viewers. I'm sorry, did I say almost? Because I meant more. A lot more.

And so, violating my first rule of living in the real world which is..."Always Do Exactly the Opposite of What the Internet Tells You to Do", some of them actually started doing just that. Whoops.

Ever hear of Carbonite? The online back-up people? Well they listened. And they were punished. Brutally.  There were about 40 others that followed Carbonite's hasty, not so brilliant plan. And quickly realizing their mistake some of them decided it was in their best interest to start observing my "1st Rule of Living in the Real World".

But just like being caught having sex with a fat girl, it's something you can never undo, or live down, and people like Rush Limbaugh, and my friends Joe and Bobby apparently, have very, very long memories.
 The rift between Sleep Train Mattress Centers and Rush Limbaugh apparently became permanent today after Limbaugh reportedly turned aside the Sacramento retailer's attempt at a truce.  Limbaugh rebuffed Sleep Train's request that the controversial radio host resume his duties as a paid spokesman for the company.
Gee that's a shame. Sleep Train Mattress Centers certainly has a right to stop advertising on a radio show they may disagree with no matter how stupid a decision that may be, but that radio show then can always tell them to go pound sand when they come crawling back. It's funny how the "1st Amendment" works both ways whether you like it or not. And that's not all.  Because most, if not all of them will likely come back. Or at least try to come back.
"Life will go on; Rush will continue," Michael Harrison, publisher of talk-radio trade magazine Talkers, tells Talking Points Memo. His show has 20 million weekly listeners. "It's one of the, if not the most, successful talk shows in America." With numbers like Limbaugh has, his show "could survive for a long time without advertisers" if need be.
I think the most important lesson here, besides not letting your emotions - or for the love of God - the internet make your business decisions for you is... If your gonna be spending the afternoon drinking with friends stay away from the fat girls. Because you might make a mistake that you'll never, ever hear the end of.  And you'll definitely live to regret it.

Read more here: http://www.sacbee.com/2012/03/08/4323061/limbaugh-rebuffs-attempt-by-sleep.html#storylink=cpy"Life will go on; Rush will continue," Michael Harrison, publisher of talk-radio trade magazine Talkers, tells Talking Points Memo. His show has 20 million weekly listeners. "It's one of the, if not the most, successful talk shows in America." With numbers like Limbaugh has, his show "could survive for a long time without advertisers" if need be.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Australia Finally Changes Official Name to Murderland


No it didn't really change it's name but maybe it should. Apparently every single living creature there wants you dead.  Should you go insane, and decide to actually leave your house one day to -let's say - go for a swim, you might be murdered by the Box Jellyfish....
...jelly box venom is so overpoweringly painful, that human victims go in shock, drown or die of heart failure before even reaching shore.
The Irukandji Jellyfish can kill you just as dead and whats worse is, it's about the size of your thumbnail. So like a ninja of the sea it's likely you'll be dead and never see it coming.

And all that's just for starters. Spiders, snakes, sharks, everything wants you to die.  Even the fucking ants will kill you. Like the Jack Jumper Ant. It sounds like a fun name doesn't it? You might even want them at your next party, except for one simple fact...
 In individuals allergic to the venom (about 3% of cases), a sting sometimes causes anaphylactic shock.Although 3% may seem small, jack jumper ants cause more deaths in Tasmania than spiders, snakes, wasps, and sharks combined.
The number of deaths between 1980 and 1999 was only six, which seems like an infinitely tiny number until you remember they WERE ALL KILLED BY FUCKING ANTS.

And if all the animals, and fish, and Lord Humungus of Australia don't finally succeed in killing you, maybe the trees will.  That's right the trees.
 The 120-year-old heritage-listed bunya pine in the grounds of the Courthouse Hotel has been dropping huge pine cones. The Baw Baw Council says they weigh up to 10 kilograms each.Mayor Diane Blackwood says the cones are potentially lethal. "These things are enormous," she said. "They are the size of a watermelon, falling literally out of the sky from potentially 20 metres high.
Shit. That was a long way to go for that stupid blurb. I feel like I just had a baby. Now I know exactly how that feels, and what women are always complaining about.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Where the Hell Are My Presents?

She's got the right idea


Well here it is, Blogger Appreciation Day, and I'm still waiting for gifts from some of you people. Or at least dinner. What the hell is wrong with you? I don't need any more Fleshlights so stop sending them.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Some Dickhead is Leaving a TV Show.

 Tell me you don't wanna punch this asshole.

Apparently James Spader was on "The Office".  But I guess now he won't be, because the guy who's face I've wanted to punch as hard as I could for as long as I can remember like one of those "How Hard Can You Punch" bags you find in shitty (cool) bars has decided to leave a show that I didn't even know was still on the air.

"James always wanted this to be a one-year arc, and he now leaves us having created one of the most enigmatic and dynamic characters in television,” show runner Paul Lieberstein said in a statement. “He’s been a great friend to me and the show, helping us successfully transition into the post-Michael Scott years, and I’m grateful for that.”
Somebody did something every week for an entire year on the single biggest communication device ever devised in human history and I never even knew it. Is that an indictment of him or me? I say him because nothing is ever my fault.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

You're in BIG Trouble Mister



Oh Shit!
Thousands of porn website users have had their personal passwords and emails leaked online by hackers. In total, 6433 users of the YouPorn chat site were exposed after third-party service provider failed to secure data, its owner claimed.
Don't worry. 5,825 of them were me because I had to keep re-doing mine. You can't expect me to remember user names, and passwords for every site I visit while I'm doing "research". What am I a brain surgeon?

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Let's Watch Whitney's Funeral!

You're right. This is exciting!

I don't know if you've heard, but Whitney Houston died. And she died just the way she wanted. Naked and high as Hell (Maybe not. But probably).  And because her family is aching for the privacy you'd expect a grieving family would want, it's gonna be a private service. Well - except for the fact that it's going to be broadcast on the internet...

 Houston's publicist, Kristen Foster, announced Wednesday that The Associated Press will be the only video camera allowed inside at Saturday's funeral in Newark. The AP will stream the service on http://livestream.com/aplive. The event also will be available to broadcasters via satellite.
It's probably for the best that there'll only be one camera allowed inside during the service. Four, or five cameras, plus boom mics, a stage director, union gaffers and electricians hanging around with their butt cracks hanging out might be tacky. Who wants a tacky funeral? Besides,  if it's on the internet you better believe people expect things to be classy. Not like all those other websites you visit you pervert.

I'm Going to Hell. Need a Lift?

...And then I said, bring me more corn on the cob!!!

Oh man. If you need more proof that I'm gonna spend a day or two in Hell once I'm finally worm food, I did nothing but laugh through this whole story.

A Vietnam veteran was left with horrific injuries after an electronic cigarette blew up in his mouth, knocking out all of his teeth and part of his tongue.
**snicker**
Tom Holloway, 57 of Niceville, Florida screamed (HA!) as the device exploded and debris melted everything it touched as it flew around a room at home.
HAHAHA!

Now even not smoking is bad for your teeth and gums. It's probably a lucky break that he lives in Florida since I'm sure all the retirees are constantly losing their dentures, Just keep your eyes focused on the ground I'm sure you'll stumble across some eventually.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Whitney Houston Died


Despite the fact that we're living in the 21st century, being very physically attractive, having an awesome singing voice, famous relatives in the entertainment business, and earning millions, and millions, and millions of dollars over a 20 plus year career Whitney Houston decided the smart thing to do would be to throw it all away because "crack is whack".  And now she's dead.

 Publicist Kristen Foster told the Associated Press Saturday that the singer had died, but the cause and the location of her death were unknown.

Unknown? Really? Well if this is gonna be a guessing game I'm gonna guess she died during a medieval style jousting competition, because saying someone threw away a $100 million dollar fortune because they couldn't stop doing drugs in an age where there's help on every corner, especially having been through rehab on two previous occasions, would be just impossible to believe.

If you're sensing that I don't feel bad for someone that stupid you must have ESP. Quick! What are the winning lottery numbers for tonight?

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Gimme 10cc's of BBQ Sauce! Stat!


Angelina Jolie showed up at some stupid awards ceremony and somebody neglected to tell her not to show up in a costume because she was dressed up like a holocaust survivor.
"She said she was so busy with the kids that she forgets to eat, and when she does sit down she prefers all her fruits and vegetables to be organic. She particularly likes exotic berries and was talking about how they were packed with nutrients."
 Mmmm. Sounds healthy. She's 5' 8" tall and is reported to weigh 7 stone. For the rest of us in the normal world that don't like measuring things like ancient Druids, that's about 98 pounds. So if your one of those pain in the ass internet hunchbacks that still insists she's 100 times hotter than Jennifer Aniston, you can experience sex with Angelina. Just grab your fleshlight, and your dads golf bag. Just leave the clubs in it and voila!

Friday, February 3, 2012

Lets Have a Sexy President For Once


Roseanne Barr has apparently decided shes bored with yelling at passing cars, and hoarding junk she finds at garage sales (prove me wrong) and figured a good way to waste some time and money was to run for president.

Of course she's running as a "Green Party" candidate because why wouldn't she.

"The Democrats and Republicans have proven that they are servants -- bought and paid for by the 1% -- who are not doing what's in the best interest of the American people,"
 "I will barnstorm American living rooms," she said in a candidate questionnaire submitted to the Green Party. "Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election."
It'll be cool to have a candidate running for president who's political ideology stopped evolving when they were a junior in high school. I'd also like to host a Roseanne Barr for President party at my house. It's been a lifelong dream of mine to have her standing in the middle of my living room shouting stuff and when she's done maybe Ralph Nader can come over and lecture everybody. It'll be a good time.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Hungry for Justice

I'm sure everyone's heard by now of king sized super villain Kim Dotcom. The Megaupload founder who's had a run of bad luck lately, when he was arrested for doing something besides sweating, smelling like cheese (probably) and having sex with a woman that otherwise wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire except for the little fact that he personally earned $115,000 a day.

Kim Dotcom, the man atop what federal prosecutors allege is a $175 million worldwide Internet piracy operation, passed his 38th birthday this weekend in a New Zealand jail awaiting a court appearance today on charges prosecutors brought from a grand jury in U.S. District Court in Virginia.

But the worst part of all of this - besides losing a parking lot full of cars, a house big enough for a really fat guy, a plane, and a mildly hot wife for a guy as rich as he was - as I hear it on the internet is that he's gonna lose his lofty position as the number one rank in Call of Duty Something Something.  

Dotcom, plays Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 under the name MEGARACER. And on New Year's Eve, MEGARACER managed to become the number 1 ranked player in the world -- no small feat for a game that sold over 15 million copies (and no small irony, considering he ran a site responsible for sharing illegal copies of the game).Thanks to his brush with the law, however, he's slipped to the number 2 spot, usurped by a most-definitely-not-in-jail gamer named Azaros. Seeing as how Dotcom's been denied bail -- he's been deemed an 'extreme flight risk' -- it looks like Azaros' score is pretty safe for now.

Wow. At home on New Year's Eve playing a video game. A far cry from my original vision of him in his cavernous lair planning ways to dominate the planet surrounded by Dobermans, and henchmen and instead he's sitting on a flattened chair surrounded by Mountain Dew and Doritos bags. But wait! That might just come in handy! Because his defense lawyer claims he's just too damned fat to be a flight risk! 

"He is not the sort of person who will pass unnoticed through our customs and immigration lines and controls,' said lawyer, Paul Davison"

I would guess he probably wouldn't pass "through" anything. But at least the internet, shitty music, and movies are safe from being passed around for free. Oh. Well that was fast.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Khloe Kardashian is Adopted or Something


No not really, but what will probably come as a huge surprise to anybody without two functioning eyeballs, and zero common sense, it turns out that Khloe might actually have a different father/mother than her sisters. 

And no the Yeti hasn't stepped forward demanding a paternity test. Hurray for easy, worn out jokes!

More drama erupted for Kim Kardashian and her family, as the ex-wife of her late father today claimed Kim's sister Khloe was not his daughter.  Two of Robert Kardashian's ex-wives have come forward saying he confided him them that he was unsure of the paternity of the now-27-year-old. Jan Ashley, who married the businessman after Khloe's mother Kris Jenner, said: 'Khloe is not his kid -- he told me that after we got married.' And Ellen Pierson, 63, who married Robert in 2003 just two months before his death, has also come forward after eight years of silence to 'tell the truth' about the Kardashian family.
I don't know what anyone's talking about in this story. So Khloe isn't Robert's daughter? Or she isn't the daughter of one of the women?  I would think a woman would know if she gave birth to a baby. But women have always been a mystery to me so I'm not sure how any of that works. My mom says babies are left in the mailbox and someday when I meet a girl that doesn't have to be inflated, I'll ask her.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Aretha Franklin Is Off The Market

Aretha Franklin is talking about her dream wedding.  My guess is it involves lots, and lots of cake. She says she wants "someone to lean on".  Probably because the 2x6's couldn't take it anymore.

Zooey Deschanel Finally Divorcing Charles Manson

The hottest member of a murderous cult (hipsters) has filed for divorce from it's de facto leader Charles Manson.
Deschanel and her musician husband Ben Gibbard announced their shocking split two months ago, and now the couple has made it official and filed for divorce.
Oh. It's not Charlie. It's... Ben Gibbard?  But the best part of a divorce is we can see how much money she makes...
 They state that she makes an average of $95,000 a month and spends $22,500 on clothes, her mortgage, health care, holidays and the like. She also give $1,500 each month to charity
In the world of celebrity, that doesn't seem like a whole lot. But I'm not even sure exactly what Zooey Deschanel does, so getting $95,000 a month for it seems like a pretty good deal for her. On the plus side she doesn't have to pay for everybody's LSD anymore. Hey maybe she can get together with Katy Perry and start a lesbian affair so a bunch of internet dorks heads will explode. This place needs a good herd thinning about now anyway.