Monday, July 16, 2018

Fergie Has Opposable Feet

Fergie was out with one of her kids although I'm not sure which one. Probably Fergie Jr. What the heck is with her foot? Maybe she's adapted for tree climbing, that's just my theory anyway.

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Friday, July 13, 2018

AnnaLynne McCord Does Stuff

Here's the person I was talking about in the Lena Dunham post that I said was wearing a tight skirt. Her name is AnnaLynne McCord and I've even written about her before. A couple of times. I still have no idea what she does, or where she does it. She is utterly forgettable. I bet she's married to someone like Harry Cavill or maybe some other guy that's sort of fake handsome, in his late 30's and also kind of famous but not really. It's also unfair of me to call her a brain damaged, D-List, sub-moron without even knowing her but in my defense, just look at her. Sorry I'm just in a bad mood, for all I know she helps blind kids, and abandoned puppies and isn't a soulless Hollywood starlet.

Lena Dunham is All Natural

I was going to write about some attractive, blonde D-Lister in a skin tight, very short skirt who's name I didn't catch because what difference could it possibly make but I quickly decided to write about Human Bean Bag, Lena Dunham instead. This much more important story was that the fender bender Lena Dunham was involved in when this picture was taken, exposed her habit of buying little dogs so she could drink their blood. Probably.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Jessica Simson Rocks

Jessica Simpson dressed like this for her 38th birthday party but it wasn't made clear why. Maybe she was going to a Poison/Cinderella concert to celebrate.

Personal Opinion Piece

No Larry David isn't dead. I have no idea if his new show is starting, and I couldn't possibly care less if it was. I just happened to think of this for some reason. I also wouldn't care if his show won 10 Academy Awards and it was voted "Most Hilarious Show in the History of Television" by the internet hive-mind for the next five generations.  For years and years I couldn't watch Seinfeld because I couldn't stand the George Costanza character. Just the sight of him made me want to throw a brick through my TV and that got to be expensive. And guess who the George Costanza character is based on. Yes, Larry David.

 And think about this for a minute. They probably had to make the George Costanza/Larry David character a little more likeable for TV audiences, so as terrible as the George/Larry character was, just imagine how awful Larry David must be in real life. But I happen to think Seinfeld is still an awesome show and I wasn't going to let this disgusting human being ruin it for me. Do I have an unnatural almost pathological hatred of Larry David? Maybe. But it it isn't my fault he's terrible.

I know this probably isn't a popular opinion on the internet, but the internet also spent three or four years being obsessed with -- as nice as I'm sure she is -- Betty White for reasons I will never understand, so I'd take all internet opinions with a huge grain of salt. Anyway, watch your stupid Larry Sanders Hour or whatever the fuck it's called and I'll be doing absolutely anything else.

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Kylie Jenner Removes Lip Fillers, Wins Pulitzer Prize

Kylie Jenner took to Instagram (of course) to let everyone know she had all of her lip fillers removed, prompting some of her followers to remark that it made her look more young and beautiful. She's 20. Of course she looks young, she can't even buy beer yet. She was a teenager nine months ago. I swear to God some of you goddamn idiots must've been born with the umbilical cord wrapped around your neck. What's up with her friend, is she dead?

Kylie Jenner is a Billionaire

Kylie Jenner is appearing on the cover of Forbes Magazine which is set to name her The World's Youngest Self Made Billionaire at the age of 20, after putting her net worth somewhere around $900 million dollars. You do of course realize this is all basically because you simpletons watched Kim Kardashian's sex tape and even named Bruce Jenner The Bravest Man in the Universe right? You can draw a direct line straight back to those events, and you don't need to be a billionaire or even have a college degree in line drawing to do it.

Russell Crowe Knows When You Are Sleeping

Russell Crowe was spotted at Disneyland while he was taking a break from filming his new movie "Santa Claus Saves Australia". No I don't know why they filmed a movie about Australia in California. Probably something to do with the unions. Maybe they weren't even filming a movie, maybe I made the whole thing up, ever think of that? Moments later he got a black panther crawling up his arm tattoo, and bought tickets to a Motley Crue concert.

Gloria Estefan Looks Youthful

The headline to the original story connected with this picture read "Gloria Estefan Looks Youthful..." If youthful means old then yes she looks youthful. She looks good but let's not get carried away. Everyone gets older and there ain't nothing you can do about it. Except for me I'll always be young and attractive forever and ever no matter how much black hair dye it takes.

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Elizabeth Hurley Does Things on a Saturday

Here's your bi-weekly Elizabeth Hurley update. Your BiWeeLizHurUp if you will. She was on a beach on Friday doing whatever that is. She's 53 now and she's amazing. I honestly really don't know what else to say. She's 5'8? Give me a call Liz. The usual number.

Friday, July 6, 2018

Elvis Costello Cancels Tour

Elvis Costello cancelled his tour because he's battling "an aggressive cancer" (caution auto-start video). It's really awful and I hope he makes it because if he doesn't, I'm going to have to spend the next 8 months after he dies listening to how much people loved Elvis Costello even though they've heard maybe two of his songs and probably know the name of only one of those.  I still have to hear about how David Fucking Bowie was a genius and that guy's been dead for two frigin years.

Gabrielle Resse is Married

This is the Gabrielle Reese that Laird Hamilton is married to that I was talking about in the earlier post. I thought well, if some 28 year old wants to be married to a professional surfer more power too her but it turns out she isn't 28. SHE'S FORTY EIGHT. Jesus I would have sworn she was in her late 20s it's almost freaky. Anyhoo. There's your Gabrielle Reese news for the day. And probably forever.

Way to Go Laird Hamilton

Professional surfer Laird Hamilton tried out a fancy new powered surfboard while he was at a beach party with a bunch of other celebrity swells. He's married to volleyball player Gabrielle Reese, enjoys racquetball, swinging parties, his Jaguar XKE and he basically looks like he just walked out of an orgy in 1978. This post is going absolutely nowhere so I'm bailing out.

Lorenzo Lamas is a Free Agent

BIG NEWS LADIES! Lorenzo Lamas is divorced! For the fifth time! I bet he's a real catch. He divorced the brain dead imbecile in the picture named Shawna Craig. So Lorenzo Lamas has been divorced five times, and two of those are now from two different women named Shawna. Or Shauna. Spelling matters in reporting even if you aren't sure if said person can spell their own name correctly three times in a row. Enjoy your new single life Lorenzo. Somewhere out there, there's a new Shawwnna just waiting to be caught.

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Britney Spears Update

Britney Spears posted a picture on Instagram of her dressed in a way I can only describe as a trashy hillbilly. There are two reasons why this works for her. And me.

1. She's hot as fucking Hell
2. She's basically a trashy hillbilly

That's not a slam at all you can trust me. As a guy that's a little older than the average internet user (not in my teens or twenties) and has a million times more experience with women than you sorry bunch of virgins, believe it or not you want a girl that can chug Wild Turkey straight from the bottle with one hand while lighting M-80s with the other. Some day you'll understand.

By the way, I decided to stop covering the asinine comments left by psychotic loners on these posts that I screen grab rather than asking for permission to use  because I didn't feel like going through all the rigmarole today. Maybe next time.

Michael Avenatti Wants to Lead Your Country

Noted ambulance chaser that's representing "adult film actress" Stormy Daniels for reasons I've long since forgotten, and the LAWYER THAT CAN GET YOU THE MONEY YOU DESERVE said he's going to run for president in 2020 because he isn't tired of wasting everyone's time yet.
“IF (big) he seeks re-election, I will run, but only if I think that there is no other candidate in the race that has a REAL chance at beating him. We can't relive 2016. I love this country, our values and our people too much to sit by while they are destroyed. #FightClub #Basta,“ Avenatti tweeted.
By the way, that's a tweet he sent that I'm not screen-shotting or bothering to find. He'll probably be a write in candidate along side that one guy that always runs for president from Key West that thinks beer is the perfect food and wears a top hat, and the other guy from Idaho with the cape and the automatic weapon. Good luck Mark I'm sure you'd make a great president. If he doesn't drive a 7-Series BMW and wear a suit to bars where desperate women in their late 20's hang out to find an older husband that has money I'll eat my hat.