Saturday, July 28, 2018

The Golden Fly is Very Real.

I was looking for something easy to write about on a Saturday morning when I stumbled across some kind of party that was happening for that 15 year old, piece of trash, garbage idiot that was on Doctor Phil who emitted the immortal words, "cash me outside howboutdat" and it was mentioned how something called "The Golden Fly" was there. It's an 11 year old rapper and fashion designer. No it wasn't representatives for an 11 year old company, which I originally thought, it's an 11 year old kid. And I thought "G Eazy" and Colin Hanks was about as low as rap could sink.

 Rap has officially moved way beyond parody now into that realm where people stare dumbfounded. Kind of like what happened with hair metal just before Nirvana released their first album. It's a joke. I wouldn't normally care all that much, I'd just move on with my life but come on man. You can not be serious. Aren't you embarrassed? You're listening to sixth graders rap about life on the street? I assume that's what he raps about. I can't imagine he raps about Peppa Pig and Animaniacs does he? I don't even remember being 11 years old. I say this a lot but this time I'm serious. You idiots make me fucking sick.

Thursday, July 26, 2018

Jennifer Lopez Goes to the Beach

I was all gung-ho to write stuff for tomorrow. I sat down with a brandy and a fine cigar like I always do and then decided I just didn't feel like writing. And then I saw this picture of Jennifer Lopez on the beach and I thought, "well, maybe just this one".  Pretty neat huh? By the way that's FORTY NINE year old Jennifer Lopez. She's two years older than The World's Sexiest Granny or whatever she calls herself.  She's older than her and at least twice as hot. Anyway I'm outta here for now. Hopefully something will turn up by the morning.

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Jameela Jamil Sits There

Jameela Jamil has been in the news a lot lately. I don't know why, I never ever read the stories because they're usually very thinly veiled press releases written by some PR person's barely literate teenaged assistant. Or at least I pray that's who's writing that garbage.  Maybe Jameela Jamil is a comedian, maybe she's an actress who can say. The important thing is her skin is brownish, she has a vaguely foreign sounding name and she's on the internet and that's usually enough for you sorry bunch of dopes. If you figure out why everyone is talking about her this week instead of Tig Notaro let me know. I'll be staring at this wall waiting for the big news.

Dolp Lundgren is All Ears

Dolph Lundgren just bought a $3.9 million dollar house in California. And in other even more shocking news, Dolph Lundgren has enough money to buy a $3.9 million dollar house in California.

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Demi Lovato Almost Died

Demi Lovato was rushed to the hospital after ODing on heroin. Wait, Demi Lovato is a junkie?
Demi Lovato was rushed to an L.A. hospital after suffering what appears to be a heroin overdose ... law enforcement tells TMZ.
Our sources say Demi was transported by ambulance from a home in the Hollywood Hills just before noon Tuesday, and is currently being treated. We do not know her condition.
Shows how much I know.  Wasn't she a Mousekateer  or Musketeer or whatever? Beats me. Anyway she isn't dead so take heart. I would have thought being a smacked out junkie would make her music better but I guess not. Better luck next time, or whatever you say to someone that overdosed.

Monday, July 23, 2018

Stromy Daniels in a Storm

Stormy Daniels and her husband, Frankenstein are getting a divorce. I believe the reason given was infidelity? Haha no for real...

In addition to the divorce petition, Crain filed for a temporary restraining order barring Daniels from threatening or causing bodily injury to Crain or the couple’s child. The TRO application also requested that Daniels be restrained from withdrawing or transferring any of the couple’s assets, and that anyone “employed in the adult entertainment industry” be kept away from the pair’s daughter.
 In an affidavit, Crain alleged that Daniels recently purchased an airplane ticket so that the couple’s daughter could join her on a tour of U.S. strip clubs. “This will involve the child being on her tour bus with other adult performers and producers,” Crain charged. “This will place my child in eminent threat of serious and immediate physical or emotional harm.”
That seems reasonable to me. A little kid going on a year long strip club/porno shoot might sound like a cool back story in a Quentin Tarantino flop but I bet in reality that probably wouldn't really be all that good. I personally know a lot of strippers (sorry, "dancers") and the fact is, they're all mostly perfectly normal people with bills and kids, and husbands and car trouble etc., that just happen to have weird jobs. It's not them you have to worry about. It's the small percentage of weirdos and creeps that are attracted to places like "Gentleman's Clubs". Good luck in your divorce you two wacky kids

Jada Pinkett Smith Does This

Remember this story? Of course you do how could you forget. Jada Pinkett Smith is 46 years old, and she posted this on her Instagram. The source article said she was "clapping back at Will Smith" so I won't be linking the original story.  It's also where I stopped reading. I've been hearing rumors for years that the Smiths if that is their real name, have an "open" relationship. She denies it of course so now you know it's true. I believe that's how evidence works. But if it is true I'd just like to be the first to say, give me a call Jada. We can discuss these ugly rumors that are spread by those big meanies over a few drinks.

Sunday, July 22, 2018

A Sunday in Paris

Michael Jackson's daughter Paris Jackson dressed like whatever this is at Comic-Con for some reason. I like how Comic-Con has morphed into this weird place where semi-relevenat, attention seeking,  but attractive D-Listers can go to this thing dressed as whatever comic book character they want and act as slutty as possible and then get upset that you noticed. Of course you could just stay home and search "cos play" on your favorite porn site and it won't cost you anything but whatever man it's your life.

Friday, July 20, 2018

Easy Post

Of course I'd never seen this. But in my defense it only has 17 million views over five years so you can see how I might have missed it. From the male point of view this is how men view the whole man/woman thing in a nutshell. I'm not going to get all psychological and argue-y I just didn't wnat to leave Muscles McGillicutty down there at the top of my site in case I got distracted and didn't write anything for a couple of days. But it's pretty funny go ahead and watch it. If you don't like it, I'll give you your money back.

One For the Ladies

Michael Turnbull, Trumball?  I'm not sure it makes a difference either way. He's in the news I think because he was on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette (I'm not sure which one, and again I'm not sure it matters) and I guess he "hooked up" with Farrah Abraham. You know that Teen Mom one. But she's a fame hungry maniac and sometime pornstar  and believe me that was far and away the safest link I could find. I don't know if you people are a bunch of nuns or what so I went with that one. But my guess is, if she thinks cameras or a website involved, hooking up with her probably wouldn't be all that difficult. I don't know why they didn't ask him why a grown man was riding around on a scooter in pink shorts, or why he always skips leg day but with the state of journalism today I'm surprised they could even figure out how to use a camera to take his picture.

The World's Hottest Grandmother?

I saw an article called Gina Stewart is the world's hottest grandmother. I'm paraphrasing but you get the idea and I'm not checking it again.  Anyway, she's 47 years old and has an Instagram (of course). I mean, she's okay I guess. Maybe we have the same interests or something, or maybe she's super funny who knows.  But if you call yourself the "hottest" you're going to open yourself up to some challenges. Is it a matter of age? Because I personally know women the same age and even older than her that are much, much hotter. Did she call herself that, or was she appointed. Seriously if you don't believe me just Google "MILF porn stars". There are hundreds of them.

Here's a list of women, just off the top of my head that are around her age or in some cases older, some that are hotter by orders of magnitude...

Elizabeth Hurley
Jennifer Aniston
Jane Krakowski
Tina Fey
Gina Gershon
Sandra Bullock
J.W. (someone I know)
R.E. (someone I know)
C.M (someone I know)

The list is almost endless. She's 47. Not 87. I know I probably would have thought that she looked amazing when I was 20 years old too but times are different now and 20 year olds are stupid beyond belief so we really should stop asking them about anything. Well There she is. Go look at her very heavily filtered pictures I guess.

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Ryan Cherwinski is a Tool

I'm nobody's White Knight but c'mon man who does this? Ryan Cherwinski, that's who. He's the 31 year old idiot that grabbed 21 year old Emelia Holden's ass as he walked by her in the pizza place where she worked. Ryan Cherwinski, 31, of Palm Bay, Florida Ryan Cherwinski, Ryan Cherwinski, Ryan Cherwinski, 31,of Palm Bay, Florida  31,was the guy that got his ass kicked by a waitress and was subsequently arrested for sexual battery (!). That sounds kind of serious to me. But if you ask me this stupid asshole should get the fucking chair. I'm a dude and doing something like this has never crossed my mind. I just do not get it. Oh and in case you're wondering, I keep using his name over and over again so when anyone Googles his name it'll always show up. I also think this sort of makes her pretty hot even though that's probably not what I'm supposed to be taking away from all of this.

Hanoi Jane is Hopping Mad

Jane Fonda is mad at President Trump for whatever reason it is people like her are mad at him today. She's so mad in fact she said this...
'Obviously, we know what he really thinks and who he really sides with, unfortunately. Now he's trying to weasel out of it, but it's just stupid!'
'My country is under attack right now and it's very serious, our democracy is under attack and it has to do with cyber attacks,' Fonda raged.
I was going to use the picture of her at whatever pointless event she made her statement but I decided to go with the ones where she was yucking it up with communist North Vietnamese troops during her 1972 visit with the North Vietnamese Army. You know, back when we were fighting a war against them. Still I guess, who better to tell you the current president is a traitor?  I mean, she would probably know what a traitor to their country looks like wouldn't she?.

Vice are Smart

Vice is sort of like SpikeTV if it was one of those college freshman from South Park.  Leave it to Democrats to advocate owning people.

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Shannen Doherty is Better

Shannen Doherty was spotted leaving a gym after I assume working out. Doesn't she have cancer? She's not sick anymore? Wasn't she dying?  I don't get it, I mean people get better but the way they made this sound two years ago was she was knocking on Heaven's door and I actually felt pretty bad for her. It feels manipulative. I'm not calling anyone a liar or a truth stretcher but... I don't know. Maybe next time she really will be dying and I'll just be like "Oh that's really a shame maybe I'll have some ice cream".  It's possible I missed an update somewhere, it's not my job to keep track of these imbeciles. Hey anyway I'm glad she's doing better, so good for her. 47 is way to young to die of anything. Except for being shot out of a cannon that would be kind of cool I guess.


!!!BREAKING NEWS!!! I guess they didn't break up like I said they did. Boy is there egg on my face. How do I know? Because a story I saw, but am not going to link, said she dressed like this for a night out on the town. A date night if you will. Why did she dress like she was on her way to a Frederick's of Hollywood photo shoot? Her creepy ass boyfriend Jamie Foxx probably asked her too that's why.

Monday, July 16, 2018

Fergie Has Opposable Feet

Fergie was out with one of her kids although I'm not sure which one. Probably Fergie Jr. What the heck is with her foot? Maybe she's adapted for tree climbing, that's just my theory anyway.

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Friday, July 13, 2018

AnnaLynne McCord Does Stuff

Here's the person I was talking about in the Lena Dunham post that I said was wearing a tight skirt. Her name is AnnaLynne McCord and I've even written about her before. A couple of times. I still have no idea what she does, or where she does it. She is utterly forgettable. I bet she's married to someone like Harry Cavill or maybe some other guy that's sort of fake handsome, in his late 30's and also kind of famous but not really. It's also unfair of me to call her a brain damaged, D-List, sub-moron without even knowing her but in my defense, just look at her. Sorry I'm just in a bad mood, for all I know she helps blind kids, and abandoned puppies and isn't a soulless Hollywood starlet.

Lena Dunham is All Natural

I was going to write about some attractive, blonde D-Lister in a skin tight, very short skirt who's name I didn't catch because what difference could it possibly make but I quickly decided to write about Human Bean Bag, Lena Dunham instead. This much more important story was that the fender bender Lena Dunham was involved in when this picture was taken, exposed her habit of buying little dogs so she could drink their blood. Probably.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Jessica Simson Rocks

Jessica Simpson dressed like this for her 38th birthday party but it wasn't made clear why. Maybe she was going to a Poison/Cinderella concert to celebrate.

Personal Opinion Piece

No Larry David isn't dead. I have no idea if his new show is starting, and I couldn't possibly care less if it was. I just happened to think of this for some reason. I also wouldn't care if his show won 10 Academy Awards and it was voted "Most Hilarious Show in the History of Television" by the internet hive-mind for the next five generations.  For years and years I couldn't watch Seinfeld because I couldn't stand the George Costanza character. Just the sight of him made me want to throw a brick through my TV and that got to be expensive. And guess who the George Costanza character is based on. Yes, Larry David.

 And think about this for a minute. They probably had to make the George Costanza/Larry David character a little more likeable for TV audiences, so as terrible as the George/Larry character was, just imagine how awful Larry David must be in real life. But I happen to think Seinfeld is still an awesome show and I wasn't going to let this disgusting human being ruin it for me. Do I have an unnatural almost pathological hatred of Larry David? Maybe. But it it isn't my fault he's terrible.

I know this probably isn't a popular opinion on the internet, but the internet also spent three or four years being obsessed with -- as nice as I'm sure she is -- Betty White for reasons I will never understand, so I'd take all internet opinions with a huge grain of salt. Anyway, watch your stupid Larry Sanders Hour or whatever the fuck it's called and I'll be doing absolutely anything else.

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Kylie Jenner Removes Lip Fillers, Wins Pulitzer Prize

Kylie Jenner took to Instagram (of course) to let everyone know she had all of her lip fillers removed, prompting some of her followers to remark that it made her look more young and beautiful. She's 20. Of course she looks young, she can't even buy beer yet. She was a teenager nine months ago. I swear to God some of you goddamn idiots must've been born with the umbilical cord wrapped around your neck. What's up with her friend, is she dead?

Kylie Jenner is a Billionaire

Kylie Jenner is appearing on the cover of Forbes Magazine which is set to name her The World's Youngest Self Made Billionaire at the age of 20, after putting her net worth somewhere around $900 million dollars. You do of course realize this is all basically because you simpletons watched Kim Kardashian's sex tape and even named Bruce Jenner The Bravest Man in the Universe right? You can draw a direct line straight back to those events, and you don't need to be a billionaire or even have a college degree in line drawing to do it.

Russell Crowe Knows When You Are Sleeping

Russell Crowe was spotted at Disneyland while he was taking a break from filming his new movie "Santa Claus Saves Australia". No I don't know why they filmed a movie about Australia in California. Probably something to do with the unions. Maybe they weren't even filming a movie, maybe I made the whole thing up, ever think of that? Moments later he got a black panther crawling up his arm tattoo, and bought tickets to a Motley Crue concert.

Gloria Estefan Looks Youthful

The headline to the original story connected with this picture read "Gloria Estefan Looks Youthful..." If youthful means old then yes she looks youthful. She looks good but let's not get carried away. Everyone gets older and there ain't nothing you can do about it. Except for me I'll always be young and attractive forever and ever no matter how much black hair dye it takes.

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Elizabeth Hurley Does Things on a Saturday

Here's your bi-weekly Elizabeth Hurley update. Your BiWeeLizHurUp if you will. She was on a beach on Friday doing whatever that is. She's 53 now and she's amazing. I honestly really don't know what else to say. She's 5'8? Give me a call Liz. The usual number.

Friday, July 6, 2018

Elvis Costello Cancels Tour

Elvis Costello cancelled his tour because he's battling "an aggressive cancer" (caution auto-start video). It's really awful and I hope he makes it because if he doesn't, I'm going to have to spend the next 8 months after he dies listening to how much people loved Elvis Costello even though they've heard maybe two of his songs and probably know the name of only one of those.  I still have to hear about how David Fucking Bowie was a genius and that guy's been dead for two frigin years.

Gabrielle Resse is Married

This is the Gabrielle Reese that Laird Hamilton is married to that I was talking about in the earlier post. I thought well, if some 28 year old wants to be married to a professional surfer more power too her but it turns out she isn't 28. SHE'S FORTY EIGHT. Jesus I would have sworn she was in her late 20s it's almost freaky. Anyhoo. There's your Gabrielle Reese news for the day. And probably forever.

Way to Go Laird Hamilton

Professional surfer Laird Hamilton tried out a fancy new powered surfboard while he was at a beach party with a bunch of other celebrity swells. He's married to volleyball player Gabrielle Reese, enjoys racquetball, swinging parties, his Jaguar XKE and he basically looks like he just walked out of an orgy in 1978. This post is going absolutely nowhere so I'm bailing out.

Lorenzo Lamas is a Free Agent

BIG NEWS LADIES! Lorenzo Lamas is divorced! For the fifth time! I bet he's a real catch. He divorced the brain dead imbecile in the picture named Shawna Craig. So Lorenzo Lamas has been divorced five times, and two of those are now from two different women named Shawna. Or Shauna. Spelling matters in reporting even if you aren't sure if said person can spell their own name correctly three times in a row. Enjoy your new single life Lorenzo. Somewhere out there, there's a new Shawwnna just waiting to be caught.

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Britney Spears Update

Britney Spears posted a picture on Instagram of her dressed in a way I can only describe as a trashy hillbilly. There are two reasons why this works for her. And me.

1. She's hot as fucking Hell
2. She's basically a trashy hillbilly

That's not a slam at all you can trust me. As a guy that's a little older than the average internet user (not in my teens or twenties) and has a million times more experience with women than you sorry bunch of virgins, believe it or not you want a girl that can chug Wild Turkey straight from the bottle with one hand while lighting M-80s with the other. Some day you'll understand.

By the way, I decided to stop covering the asinine comments left by psychotic loners on these posts that I screen grab rather than asking for permission to use  because I didn't feel like going through all the rigmarole today. Maybe next time.

Michael Avenatti Wants to Lead Your Country

Noted ambulance chaser that's representing "adult film actress" Stormy Daniels for reasons I've long since forgotten, and the LAWYER THAT CAN GET YOU THE MONEY YOU DESERVE said he's going to run for president in 2020 because he isn't tired of wasting everyone's time yet.
“IF (big) he seeks re-election, I will run, but only if I think that there is no other candidate in the race that has a REAL chance at beating him. We can't relive 2016. I love this country, our values and our people too much to sit by while they are destroyed. #FightClub #Basta,“ Avenatti tweeted.
By the way, that's a tweet he sent that I'm not screen-shotting or bothering to find. He'll probably be a write in candidate along side that one guy that always runs for president from Key West that thinks beer is the perfect food and wears a top hat, and the other guy from Idaho with the cape and the automatic weapon. Good luck Mark I'm sure you'd make a great president. If he doesn't drive a 7-Series BMW and wear a suit to bars where desperate women in their late 20's hang out to find an older husband that has money I'll eat my hat.