Thursday, November 30, 2017

Site News

I was going to write a bunch of stuff the other day, especially about how Jeremy Piven's show got cancelled because he wears dumb sweaters or sexually harassed a bunch of people or something but then I suffered a debilitating back injury. Look, I even had a picture picked out and everything. How does a back injury effect typing on a computer? It doesn't since, as you can see, I'm doing that right now but it's a good excuse to not write anything so maybe tomorrow we'll see how my recovery goes.

Monday, November 27, 2017

Jennifer Lawrence Stares at Goats

Jennifer Lawrence, most recently in the news for breaking up with super stud Darren Aronofsky says maybe she'll retire to a farm and milk goats because for some unknown reason that's become a thing to do for white millenial types. Sorry I would have just quoted it but you have to pay $1 to read that whole Washington Post story I linked and if you think I'm paying a dollar for that I'm not. And I stopped reading the Elle article after it called her "zany".  Maybe Jennifer should try deer instead and they can stand around and stare at each other while they chew their cud. I'm sorry, I don't have anything against Jennifer Lawrence personally she just always looks like an emotionless robot to me. Maybe she's really just a CGI creation. Like some horny, nerdy 15 year old Star Wars fan was tasked with creating killer sex robots and came up with Model X-1 otherwise known as the Jennifer. Well I'm on to you Jennifer bot, you'll never take me to your murder farm.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Jane Krakowski Does Stuff

It's a long holiday weekend here in the States so there isn't much in the way of celeb news going on. At least not that I've seen. Something about Joe Scarbourough and Mika "Leonid" Brzinski or however the Hell you spell their names. Maybe some stupid crap about Donald Trump is floating around and maybe something about some reality show bimbo had her top "accidentally" fall off in a restaurant or who knows what else.

There was one story about Elizabeth Hurley in a bikini and I usually fall back on her because...well you know. But then I saw a picture of Jane Krakowski attached to some story. It wasn't this picture and I didn't read the story so she may have cured cancer for all I know. I just hated her shoes in the other picture so I found this one. Besides it looks like she's wearing just heels and a jacket and I'm going to stop writing right now before this really gets ugly.

So Long David Cassidy

Former 70's teen idol David Cassidy passed away on Tuesday due to organ failure, he was 67. That's his daughter Katie by the way. She's 30. Just saying. It's all very sad.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Cheryl Makes a Comeback

I skimmed over a story about someone named Cheryl (no apparent last name) making a comeback of some kind. If you're wondering where she was, I think she was back in 2003 where they still do those fish lips/sideways peace sign selfies, but like I said I only skimmed it. She probably didn't take a break from whatever it is she does to get her PhD I can tell you that much.

Josh Brolin Isn't Mad

Josh Brolin was photographed on the beach walking like my sister does when she's mad. Arms straight down, her tiny little hands clenched with rage...

Jennifer Lawrence and Super Stud Break Up

Jennifer Lawrence and Darren Aronofsky broke up. What a shock. No reason was given that I saw, maybe he got tired of playing "tea" with her dollies. Better luck next time, I hope you two kids finally find love or whatever.

Gavin Rossdale Points at a Camera

51 year old Gavin Rossdale has a new girlfriend and her name is 28 year old Sophia Thomalla. She's some kind of model, probably on Instagram, and he was in a band that had a hit 23 years ago. He was also married to Gwen Staffaneo who is now dating or married or whatever to the world's sexiest man Blake Shedo. Lucky for us The Daily Mail keeps track of these washed up celebrities so we can keep up with what some guy is doing now.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Queen Letizia Needs Some Help

Spain's Queen Letizia was on hand to chair The Royal Disability Trust meeting, although I'm not sure why any royal person would need disability. I can see Prince Charles going to the doctor doing range of motion tests and scamming the system with stories about how he hurt his back. And yes I know I just wrote about her a few days ago and if you don't like it maybe try a different blog. It's a pretty big internet. Is she married? Where's King Letizia? Maybe she's looking for companionship. I just so happen to know a devilishly handsome blogger that has a thing for hot monarchists. Oh wait it turns out she isn't married. Well I'll see you guys it's Thanksgiving weekend and I guess I'm on the next plane to Africa or wherever Spain is.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Shakira is a Giant

Legendary South American gaucho and Songstress Shakira - who I mostly know from her being 4'11 inches tall, Google says she's 5' 2 but I happen to know that's complete bullshit (she's number 10 on this list). I knew about that for years before even that story was posted because I knew a girl that was 4'11 tall and she'd always joke about being "as tall as Shakira". I don't know maybe she really is 5' 2 after she became the world's only 40 year old that went through a growth spurt. Anyway where was I? Oh yes. She went out with a mop on her head. Why? Because celebrities are weird that's why.

Monday, November 20, 2017

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Ben Affleck Wants to talk to You About Insurance Coverage

Ben Affleck looks like he was photographed leaving the top secret location where he's in training to be a stuffy college professor from the 1970's instead of Stephen Colbert's unfunny talk show. His jacket better have those leather patches over the elbows that's all I have to say.

Malcolm Young Leaves Us

AC/DC co-founder, rock god, and the composer of some of the greatest rock songs that ever existed, Malcolm Young passed away just three years after being diagnosed with dementia at age 64. He died surrounded by family. I wonder if all those pantywaists that got all bleary eyed over Prince and David Bowie are going to change their AVI's to Malcolm Young now. I'm going to guess they won't.

Their album Highway to Hell sold 7 million copies. In 1979. That's more than some "superstars" sell today with every conceivable type of social media, video and television help you could possibly imagine. AC/DC still has the second biggest selling album of all time with Back in Black selling more than 40 million copies second only to Michael Jackson's Thriller.  And we're talking in 1980. Assholes like Beyonce sell a measly 500,000 albums and we're told how she's changing the world. Times change I guess. That's the way it goes. See you Malcolm.

Friday, November 17, 2017

Emma Rigby is Sleepy

This is Emma Rigby. She's an actress apparently. They could tell me she was an astronaut and I'd be like "Okay sure whatever you say". It's a still from some new movie she's in called "Who the Fuck Cares" but I saw it as I was scrolling around looking for news and whatever else I could use to grind out another 100% hilarious post I could allow you to read and I stopped so fast the scroll wheel on my mouse broke off in my fingers. I know she's pretty new as far as actresses go (I think), but I'd say she deserves an Academy Award for this performance and I can tell you that without even seeing the movie. Which I never will. I'm rooting for you Elsie!

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Random Post

You could tell me Selena Gomez knew the secret to eternal happiness and that still wouldn't be enough for me to help stop her from falling into an alligator pit.

Lil Peep Can't Make a Peep

"Rapper" "Lil Peep" "Died" from a drug overdose. Such a shame. All that talent and potential wasted.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Britney Spears Looks Okay

Britney Spears posted this picture she took of herself -- otherwise known as a "selfie"-- in her gym on Instagram, and you may be wondering why I care. And if you are wondering why this would make me happy, maybe wait until after the holidays to break the news to your parents.

Melanie Sykes Likes Young Men

Melanie Sykes is a British "TV presenter" which means she's a news anchor? A game show host? Weather/Traffic person? I don't know their language over there is so weird. "Aluminium"? What the Hell is that?? In her latest interview she claims to prefer younger men...
I always go for younger men... I'm very silly.'
Sure, "younger" men. She's rumored to be dating some dipshit named Olly (?). There's only one problem. He's 33 years old. I know mathematically he's younger but c'mon. By the time my Uncle Al was 33 years old he fought in two wars, was married and was on his second kid. By age 33 even I had a job and a mortgage and I'm a goddamn imbecile. I don't know maybe I'm behind the times. Look Melanie, when you're done fooling around with the kids I have a more mature man in mind for you. It's my neighbor John. Nice guy. He's a pretty good carpenter too.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Queen Letizia is Smokin

Spain's Queen Letizia arrived in Mexico for a cancer summit today although I'm not really sure why since I'm pretty sure she isn't a doctor. In fact she used to be some kind of cigarette girl in Mexico. Maybe working the cock fights who knows.  And once again I think maybe it's time America reconsider it's stance on having a royal family. Of course knowing us we'd probably get the chance to pick a queen and it would probably wind up being Rosie O'Donnell or one of those other loudmouths from The View. Way to go America.

Debra Messing Likes Zippers

This story asks "Has Debra Messing had plastic surgery?" Yes. She has. Next question. Is the sky blue? Yes it is. Let's face it if I had the money I would too. Not now of course I'm at the peak of my handsomeness, but some day maybe. If it's necessary. Which I doubt. And I don't know why I'm seeing her everywhere lately, wasn't she on some sitcom like 20 years ago? The problem with some famous people is they never seem to stop being famous, even after you've long forgotten what got them there in the first place. I don't remember what show she was on so I'll just remember her being a world famous motocross champion since I think that would make her a lot hotter anyway.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Sunday Morning Headlines

Does this headline make any sense to you? Because I've read it five times and the only thing I can surmise is someone used the Talk to Text feature on a Speak and Spell. This is the kind of thing I have to put up with when I look for things to write about.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Sunday Morning with Amber Heard

Oooof. I know Amber, I've been there. The sun feels extra hot on your skin doesn't it. A big Gatorade and a couple of Advil will help.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Saturday with Salma Hayek

Salma Hayek went out to dinner with her husband, Francois Buffaloface Pinot or whatever, dressed like every 45 year old woman I ever saw going to a Bret Michaels concert. I'd go with you to a Bret Michaels concert Salma, we could whip batteries at him. C'mon, do you want to pretend to be a bad girl? Or do you want to actually be a bad girl. I know you have it in you, let me show you the way. I'll just need to borrow $200 for a couple of days and then I'll show you a good time baby.

Friday, November 3, 2017

Fetty Wap Commits a Crime

Rapper Fetty Wap, whatever the fuck that means, was arrested for drunk driving early this morning. A New York Police Department spokesperson says...
 “[He was] in the vicinity of Hamilton Avenue driving recklessly at a high rate of speed causing a dangerous condition while racing another vehicle within the confines of the 72 precinct,” the spokesperson says.
 He faces 15 charges in total, including reckless endangerment, drag racing, DUI, driving without a valid license, unsafe lane changing, aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle, following too close, and speeding. All of which probably come with surprisingly harsh punishments. I knew this one lady that got her third DUI and they put her in prison for three years. Not jail. Prison. For three years. Well, whatever they decide they better hurry up and fine him while he still has money.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Andy Dick is Around

Andy Dick has been fired from two movies...
 following allegations of sexual misconduct and harassment involving at least four members of the production. 
The most shocking news about all of this is Andy Dick was going to be in two movies