Saturday, December 30, 2017

Emergency Elsa Pataky Post

Elsa Pataky kind of looks like Sandra Bullock doesn't she? I also happened to see this while I was looking for pictures of Sandra Bullock. You can love two people at once. How about three? I bet I could I'd just need some time that's all.

Friday, December 29, 2017

Sailor Brinkley Does Stuff

Christie Brinkley's daughter Sailor Brinkley was at the "ESposrtsillustratedPN Wide World of Action" jock of the year trophy giveaway looking pretty much like your standard 20 something blonde. I have no idea what she does besides being Christie Brinkley's daughter. She's probably a model, or maybe a crime fighting mystery solver how the Hell should I know. If you're really curious call her up and take her to Buffalo Wild Wings and do some shots and maybe she'll tell you.

Ryan Philippe is Here for the Ladies

Ryan Phillllllipppe posed shirtless on his patio in the snow. Why wouldn't he? If I looked like that I would too. Oh wait I do look like that. As far as you know anyway. He was on some TV show I think but I don't remember what. Cruel Intentions? Or maybe it was a movie. I honestly didn't even remember this guy existed. Whatever happened to Josh Hartnett? Remember that guy?

The Russians are Coming for Your Jokes

A couple of Russian "pranksters" called the US ambassador to the UN Nikki Haley and pretended to be the Polish Prime Minister. Shit, that's practically a self writing joke right there. "Russian pranksters and a Polish guy walk into a bar and order too much Vodka and die from alcohol poisoning" HAHAHAHA. Whatever, as long as it keeps them off the roads and away from my light bulbs where they can't do any real damage.

Anyway, they pranked her by making up a fake country named Binomo near China or something and really let her have it because prank phone calls are still a thing in Russia I guess...

'You know Binomo?' he asked. 
'Yes, Yes,' Haley said. 
'They had elections and we suppose Russians had its intervention,' the fake PM said. 
'Yes, of course they did, absolutely. We've been watching that very closely,' she responded, likely confused as to what they were talking about.
'We will continue to watch that as we deal with the issues that keep coming up about the South China Sea.' 
He then asked what the US would do about it, to which Haley gave a vague and unconvincing answer. 
'Let me find out exactly what our stance is on that, and what if anything the US is doing or things should be done, and I will report back to you on that as well,' she said. 
Vovan and Lexus said the whole conversation lasted for about 30 minutes.
Hilarious. I hope my sides stop aching before I go out tonight. The "vague and unconvincing answer" means she's not actually listening to you. Maybe the Russians should stick to getting drunk, creating a monkey army, black market clothing and shitty driving and maybe leave the comedy to more developed nations. Like Japan

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Lindy Lou Layman is an Idiot

Lindy Lou Layman damaged more than $300,000 worth of art while on a first date with a prominent Houston attorney....
Layman destroyed three original paintings and two abstract sculptures at Buzbee’s 12,000-square-foot mansion that evening, according to a criminal complaint, leaving at least $300,000 in damage. She tore the paintings off the wall, poured liquid on them and threw sculptures across the room, the complaint said.
Wow. I couldn't imagine that blonde idiot getting drunk and acting like an asshole. Aren't lawyers supposed to be smart? The picture of her on the right is in a Las Vegas casino so that should tell you all you need to know.

Don't worry the guy's a millionaire he'll get the art fixed and I'm sure Miss Emptyheadbigjugs up there will somehow manage to parlay this, what used to be a humiliating story, into a temporary career wherein she'll blow all of her earnings on a Maybach and bottle service in some tacky night club. Enjoy your 7 1/2 minutes of fame.

Read more here:

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Katie Price is Someone

Katie Price is an attractive -- in a party girl, night clubby, glitter and bottle service kind of way -- nobody, C-Lister from England, but she dressed in a sexy Santa type outfit and stood on her bed, and someone else wrote about her for no real reason, then I saw it and figured I would too. The creative process in action.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Happy Birthday Hailie Scott

Eminem's daughter Hailie Scott turned 22 years old on Christmas Day and she's the only thing Eminem ever produced that I like so far.

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!! I just thought of a fun game. Let's see how a rapper feels when you treat his daughter the way rappers say you should treat women.

George Michael Celebrates an Anniversary

George Michael has been dead for a year and no amount of sobbing will make me like his music.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Elsa Pataky is Okay

Elsa Pataky was on the beach in a bathing suit. I read she's 41 years old and married to one of the Hemsworth brothers but I'm not sure which one. Other than that I don't know who she is, or what she does but she's hot as Hell. Also I learned that I probably have no real business writing about these people.

Bill Hader Needs Water

Some big headed hydrocephalic filed for divorce from his wife after some number of years that I don't know. Good luck in your new single life Mr Bighead.

Friday, December 22, 2017

Marla Maples is my New Favorite

This originally started as a story because of a picture Marla Maples shared of her and her daughter Tiffany Trump, Marla posted to her Instagram account. It had something to do with Christmas. I didn't use that picture though because

A. It's my blog
2. I liked this one better

I didn't know two things. First, I didn't know that Tiffany Trump was Marla's daughter, and two, that Marla Maples is FIFTY FOUR YEARS OLD. She's far and away the best looking 54 year old I've ever seen. And she doesn't have that weird frozen Joker like face of a Christie Brinkley. Also I bet you didn't know Marla was in the Kurt Russel/Goldie Hawn classic, and personal favorite "Overboard" (uncredited) did you. No I bet you didn't you dumbass. Pfft and you call yourself a man.


Tyga Knows What's Up

Tyga has a new afro. I'm not sure why this is news unless he's giving up the carefree fun loving life style of being a rapper to start a new career as a hard bitten street informant like Huggy Bear.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Are Engaged

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle released their official engagement photographs today and there isn't anything in the world that you could say or do that would make me care about this.

Steven Tyler is Cool

Steven Tyler was photographed at the airport as he arrived home from his coronation as Almighty Leader of the Hippie People in the Haight/Ashbury district of blah blah I'm not doing this anymore today, go cut the grass or something. 

Amy Smart is Tough and Nice

Amy Smart stood up for who I can only assume will be her soon to be ex-husband who's probably named Jeff Somethingorother (no known photographs)...
“We are in a climate right now where it’s so wonderful and needed to have women coming forward to break their silence; it is vital and important for female equality. Period,” she said. “A lot of the stories are horrific and need to be brought to light. This story, about my husband, Carter Oosterhouse, on the other hand, is now taking it too far and boundaries are being crossed.”
I know this is probably a bad time for you Amy, just know that I'm here for you if you need to talk or maybe just want to relax on the couch and watch movies with someone. You don't need a man like that in your life. 

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

TJ Miller Makes the Naughty List

 "Comedy" Central cancelled TJ Miller's show "The Gorburger Show" after allegations stemming from a 2001 rape surfaced
 The short-lived comedy series was based on the 2012's Funny or Die and featured Miller's voice as the sole main character of Gorburger, a big blue monster who led a Japanese television station.
 Wow what a shame. That sounds like a real winner right there, I'm sure it'll be missed. I watched about 10 minutes of "Office Christmas Party" before I realized everyone in it except for Jennifer Aniston (give me a call me Jen) should be put in prison, so cancelling this show is probably for the better anyway. What could he have (allegedly) done that was so b-- OH MY GOD
 Miller's former girlfriend, who asked not to be named, told the Daily Beast in a report published Tuesday she met Miller in 2001 at George Washington University, where the two had been involved in one of the school's comedy groups prior to the alleged incidents.
 On two occasions, she says Miller beat her and sexually assaulted her - including punching her in the face during sex and raping her with a beer bottle.
 Look at the guy and tell me any of that surprises you. They say you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover but let's be honest, it's always worked for me.


Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Cardi B Raps About Stuff

Here's a gross new rapper (new to me anyway) named Cardi B rapping about the latest hot rapping topic of the day. My guess would be she's rapping about being rich. I've never heard her rap but I bet it's really, really good. Her and Nikki Minaj should team up and call themselves The Garbage Pail Kids. And later after their shows they can sit around and compare fingernails and have giant pants contests.

Blac Chyna is a Fashion Plate

D-List celebrity and noted sub-moron Blac Chyna dressed like this and then walked around in public. Why? Who knows maybe she was drunk and got dressed in a closet with the lights off what am I Sherlock Holmes.

Monday, December 18, 2017

Danica Patrick is Single

Race Car driver Danica Patrick ended her five year relationship with Jubell Goolihy or whatever that dumb hillbilly's name was. Apparently because there was no engagement in sight and at the age 35 I guess she's too old for that shit. Too bad dopey, hit the bricks you chump. I'm on my way Danni but I'm not as fast as he was (if you get my drift) so just sit back and relax we'll get there.

James Corden is Careful With Snacks

Photographers captured the moment when late night television superstar James Corden gingerly carried his cake in it's protective case to his car while armed guards (not pictured) looked on. Or maybe it was a baby. I think it's more likely it was a cake though. And probably some milk too. You can't be too careful these days.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Chris Matthews is a Harasser?

!!!!BREAKING NEWS!!!! A settlement was paid to a female staffer that accused Chris Matthews of sexual harassment. I can't say I'm really all that surprised, just looking at his picture makes me want to take a shower.  You ever smell those guys that smoke those giant cigars? I can only imagine that's what he smells like. If you want to know what I think other people smell like just let me know.

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Gene Simmons is a Jerk?

A woman is suing Gene Simmons for sexually harassing her or whatever since apparently this woman has never heard of Gene Simmons...
A TV and radio broadcaster filed a lawsuit against Kiss bassist Gene Simmons, claiming he made sexual innuendos during an on-camera interview and later groped her buttocks.
 Of course he did. It's Gene Simmons. I guess I can't blame her for not realizing this could be a potential problem I mean he's only been world famous for 45 years.

A Tattoo for the Ages

An SNL cast member (identity unknown) got a tattoo of Miley Cyrus on his arm. At least I think that's who that is. Or maybe it's Hillary Clinton I'm not really sure. Ironically, this is the funniest thing an SNL cast member has done since Phil Hartman died. If you want to know who did this try Google. You can be like one of the Hardy Boys.

Friday, December 15, 2017

Eminem Raps About Stuff

Eminem's new album is being called "noise" and "trash" by some people, although how they can tell the difference between shitty rap and good rap is a mystery to me.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Ireland Baldwin Likes Fitness

Ireland Baldwin is in LOVE Magazine's (?) Advent issue (?) proclaiming her love for working out in lingerie. If you believe this you're even dumber than she is. Don't you feel insulted? This is how stupid these PR people think you are, and the saddest part is, they're mostly right. I have an idea, maybe next she can put on some high heels and do some yoga with her half-witted stepmom, Bethany Frankel and whatever other D-List celebrity they can get to show up.

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!   Bethany Frankel isn't her stepmom. I think it's Kathy Ireland. Or maybe its Kim Bassinger who can really tell these days what with all these apps and whatnot.

Yet Another Elizabeth Hurley Post

Here's another super easy Elizabeth Hurley in a bikini post. I saw this picture and I thought, "gee, someone should write about this and -- wait a minute, I have a blog -- that someone should be me!" I guess if you're bored with this kind of thing I could always start shrieking about political stuff. Maybe you'd prefer I start talking nonstop about the Koch brothers, Monsanto (or whoever the new boogeyman is) and how pot should be legal and taxed? Yeah that's what I thought.

Monday, December 11, 2017

Jessica Simpson is Doing This on Purpose

Jessica Simpson once again posted a picture of herself (a "selfie") looking like a 70's or early 80's porn star and I have to be honest, I'm diggin' where this is going. She's 37 years old so it's entirely possible that she realizes this right? If she was 21 years old I'd understand that the whole 1974-1979 aesthetic would be mostly lost to her but she's almost 40. Anyway, I don't know what she's up to but I guess I'll just have to imagine it. And believe me, I can -- and will -- imagine a lot. 

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Maria Menounos Had Brain Surgery

Maria Menounos shared a video on her Instagram of her in the hospital after her brain surgery...

“This video was taken 24 hours after my brain surgery. I still can’t believe that you can eat and speak normally so soon after. It was hard to keep my eyes open bc i was seeing double at this point,”

 “On my 6 month anniversary I wanted to share this so if you are about to go through this you can see with your own eyes what it can be like. Everyone is different...but if I can ease your fears a bit I would like to.”
Man that's really awful. I can't imagine how terrifying that must be. So you know what? I'm not going to think about it. It's nice that she's alright.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Saturday With Presley Gerber

The original story (which I'm not linking) said Cindy Crawford's son Presley Gerber took a break from "his tough schedule" -- from what I don't know, probably being Cindy Crawford's son I guess -- to walk around on a beach in Miami. It also complimented him on his "model physique". I'm not sure what he models but by the looks of things he's a model for pictures of American GIs in Japanese WWII POW camps. So yeah good job. I guess I shouldn't be too hard on him he's 18 years old so his spine is still growing. Maybe when it's done he can grow some muscles too. Fuckin nerd.

Friday, December 8, 2017

Pamela Anderson Nude

This story originally started out about Pamela Anderson hence the story title. Plus when people search for Pamela Anderson Nude on Google this shows up. Pretty tricky right?  Anyway there were other pictures included and I got distracted. Plus I just wrote about her and she isn't returning my calls.  This was some party for some lingerie line she's involved with now (Coco de Mur?) and for some reason I never get invited to those things. I guess it could be because of all the ugliness last time but I don't know. Whatever man, I don't care about your stupid lingerie anyway jerks.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Julia Roberts Makes a Movie

Julia Roberts plays a bag lady in her newest movie, "Julia Roberts the Bag Lady". She hid all of her glamour to appear as a homeless crack head in this gripping tale of loss and seduction. I'm kidding. It's a movie called Ben is Back but I accidentally closed the page where I was reading about it and I'm not looking for it again so I don't know what it's about or who else is in it. Probably some guy named Ben. I'm not even 100% sure I got the title correct. Let's face it, you're not going to see this piece of crap anyway.

Seal is Huge

The original article where I saw this picture said Seal was a "mega-star". He was married to Heidi Klum until 2014 right? So I guess that sort of qualifies. Plus his greatest hits album was released almost 10 years ago so maybe because it's not my type of music he was always just off my radar. I guess I sort of remember last year when he *played Soldier Field here in Chicago during his year long worldwide stadium tour.** It was also a story about how he was being interviewed on Australian radio by someone named Jackie O because of some Australian reality show or something because Australia is known for being a hot bed of celebrity activity.  What was that song? Touched by an Angel? I really don't remember. I know I hear it on radio stations where they also play UB40 and that one other group. You know the one. They do that song? I don't remember. Pet Shop Boys? Anyway, have fun doing whatever it is you're doing.

*didn't happen.
**also didn't happen

!!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!!  This story pretty much blows more than usual so I would understand if you didn't read it

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Mariah Carey Has a Staff Writer

The original title of this photograph was "Mariah Carey Shows Off Her Svelte Figure". I happened to see this while I was checking what the weather was like in Fantasy Land and figured you guys might like to see it too.

Tina Fey Gets an Award

Hey everybody here's someone I never write about. Tina Fey. She was at the New York Stage and Film Gala accepting the award for the World's Most Overrated Female Comic. She was on SNL and in the movie Mean Girls which I thought was kind of a cute movie I guess. She was a member of the Second City thing here in Chicago and lived here with her perm for a while I guess  so every time she goes to the bathroom I have to hear about how hilarious it was. I'm typing all of this nonsense so I can avoid having to read the article where I stole this picture because I really don't give a shit what Tina Fey does. Ever. She's hot as Hell and I'm sure very nice, she's just not funny. And if you're a "comic" being funny is the most important thing. And don't point to SNL because that garbage dump hasn't been funny for 30 years. Unless of course you're my mom, than SNL is biting social commentary and really skewers everyone.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Whatever Happened to Pamela Anderson

Pamela Anderson continued her descent into madness when she attended some event in London at Morton's dressed like a 17th Century Japanese sex painting. We have a Morton's here but it's a steak restaurant. Imagine a place filled with middle aged, middle management type guys in suits TALKING REALLY LOUDLY and paying too much for mediocre food and it'll be like you're actually there. Also we have an arboretum here called The Morton Arboretum but I doubt she went there. Of course I guess you never know she's nuttier than a bag of peanuts in a peanut factory or something. All she needs is Bette Davis pushing her around in a wheel chair and the transformation will be complete. I have no idea who that dude is taking her picture but I hope the paparazzi use more than the camera on their phones. Shit I have a camera on my phone. Give me a call PAm we'll shoot some "tasteful" pics. You don't have hepatitis anymore right?

Britney Spears Looks Good in Pink

Britney Spears wore a dress that's probably illegal in some Southern states and posted the pictures on Instagram. I'm all for it. I am, as I've suggested in the past however, concerned about her face. There isn't anything wrong with it physically, but does it seem weird to you? I don't know something is off. She looks dazed all the time. I'll tell you what Britney, let's discuss the problem with your face over drinks. Did I mention I like pink?