Friday, December 30, 2016

Pamela Anderson is Attractive

Pamela Anderson looks pretty awesome for a woman that's nearly 50 years old, had hepatitis and willingly had sex with Bret Michaels and Tommy Lee on multiple separate occasions. And believe me, that description alone would usually disqualify anyone from the "Wow She Looks Great!" club.

Moby Has an Obsessed Fan?

Moby got a pretend restraining order against a pretend obsessed fan last week. I say pretend because who's obsessed with Moby in 2016? Did I wake up in 1996 again? I sure hope so, that means I can watch a new Space Ghost Coast to Coast.

Jake Gyllenhaal Doesn't Play Ball in the House

Jake Gyllenhaal wiped out while surfing, probably while filming a recreation of the famous scene where Greg Brady wipes out while he surfing in Hawaii because he was wearing that haunted tiki doll on a necklace around his neck. I'm kidding of course, he was probably just lounging on the beach because no one was filming anything with Jake Gyllenhaal. as evidenced by the fact that the original story called him the star of Brokeback Mountain. A movie that came out 12 years ago. Try to be more careful Greg - I mean Jake - there are hidden coral reefs under those beautiful waters.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

JLo and Drake are a Thing

JLo and Drake are dating I guess. And people are excited by that. For some reason. I have absolutely no idea why. I have a feeling I'd feel the same way if I somehow went into the future and was dumbfounded by everyone interacting with their televisions. Why do they do that? How do they do that? Why is that so exciting?

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

RIP Carrie Fisher

Carrie Fisher died. I'm sure you heard. Oh, you didn't? Well, she did. So sad. Anyway I used this picture instead of one of the pictures where she was being "brave" (old) because she looks exactly like my friend Rachel and ultimately this is my blog. Don't like it? Too bad jerk.

The Lazy Days of Winter

Sorry I've been lazy. That's me in the picture being lazy. Okay it isn't really, I could never be that effortlessly cool in a fedora and V-neck t-shirt. Maybe he's in the Rat Pack.  Anyhoo the Christmas weekend got away from me I guess, so today just as soon as I get home from the job that pays me money - you know, unlike this one since you guys are a bunch of tightwads and won't just mail me checks for no reason - I promise I'll find more assholes to write about. It'll be fun!

Saturday, December 24, 2016

!!!BREAKING NEWS!!! Rick Parfitt Dead at 68

Rick Parfitt of the band Status Quo has died in Spain from complications of a heart attack he suffered earlier in the year. No, I have no idea who Status Quo is either. He's standing in front of Marshall amps so I'd guess they were a 70's metal act? I really have no idea I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things here. I'll miss you Status Quo guitarist I never heard of.

Site News

Okay so I haven't written much. Want to come over here and try to make me? I didn't think so. But I'll try to find something, anything to write about. I swear.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Stephanie Seymour is Weird

That fucking geek is Stephanie Seymour's husband?! He looks like he'd be more at home talking about HO Scale trains with the other nerds down at the hobby shop rather than being married to one of the hottest super models - even at 48 years old - that ever lived. And don't tell me "Well, he's rich." because she's rich too. I will never understand women.

Sofia Vergara is Tired

Sofia Vergara was out on a date with her husband Joe "Monkey Face" Managaniello when she decided to take this picture for some reason and then post it to her Instagram account. She's one of the highest paid people on television earning around $43 million dollars a year somehow, and yet, that amount of attention isn't enough for her. These people are sick. They need a never ending supply of attention and approval from strangers. Besides being on what I can only assume is a highly rated television show (okay I'll admit I have no idea what show it is), she's doing this, she's on late night infomercials for hair remover or whatever it is, and doing god only knows what else. Okay you know what? I'm sick of this idiot

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Lindsey Vonn is Dressed Up

Lindsey Vonn was pictured with her new man Kenan Smith. I'm not sure where they were headed but if you forced me to guess, I'd say they were probably going somewhere to get their eyebrows done. For the record she's 5' 10"s tall so that probably makes him around 5'6, or on a good day 5'7. I'm not really sure how to wrap this up so go fuck yourself.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Lauren Stoner Likes the Beach

Here's Lauren Stoner frolicking on Miami Beach, the dipshit capitol of the universe. I have no idea who she is or what she does and you can't make me.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Bradd Pitt Wears a Scarf

Brad Pitt was pictured in Madrid last month, probably for the Olympics or to apply for benefits or whatever it is people do in Europe I have no idea. He was in an overcoat and scarf even though the average temperature in Spain in November is usually around 62 degrees dipping down to a dangerously low 46 degrees at night. When I woke up this morning where I live it was -3.  Brad Pitt's snazzy little scarf would have been a useless annoyance. I would carpet bomb Aleppo for 62 degrees right now.

Adriana Lima Stands on Wood

Remember Adriana Lima? Boy I sure do. She was famous for something, and if I had to guess for what, it was for being pretty. Or maybe it was for being the Arm Candy for a wanna be Bulgarian mobster type. You know what I mean? A shaved head, a used BMW M5 and a lot of track suits? Oh sure you've seen them, probably outside of a shitty nightclub smoking and talking with their hands.  Well, here she is at a basketball game. That sure looks like fun doesn't it? I'm not sure why she's so dressed up to go to a sporting event. Is there a dress code for those things?

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Rebel Wilson Looks Happy

So far the most exciting news I've seen all day was how Rebel Wilson lost 33 pounds. I'm not sure what 33 pounds they're talking about, what'd she lose, a cinder block? Maybe she set it down somewhere. Try the coat check. Don't worry, those things are kind of big I'm sure it'll turn up.

John Mayer Likes Sweaters

John Mayer called his ex-girlfriend Taylor Swift's birthday "the lamest day" on Twitter. Two things.

1. I looked for the tweet for about five seconds but I couldn't find it right away so go find it yourself.

And B. I bet this is the first time you've thought about John Mayer in five years.

I swear I'd forgotten all about this guy so I guess his little tweet worked. Why write "good" "music" the people can "like" or "enjoy" when you can send tweets like a 15 year old high school cheerleader to keep you in the public eye. Yes I love quotations marks how did you know?

Monday, December 12, 2016

Melanie Griffith is a Winner

Melanie Griffith was photographed at the airport after arriving back home from her new career as an elderly Jewish Slot Jockey in Las Vegas or wherever she was.  She just plays the penny slots in the corner so she can get free drinks and no one bothers her about her constant cigarette smoking.

Robert Redford is a Hair Over 80

80 year old Robert Redford took his wig and Speedo ensemble to the beach on Friday for some fun in the sun. How do I know it's a wig? Because first of all, he's 80 years old. Secondly every other hair on his body in that picture is gray, that's how.  You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes, Wig Detective to figure that out. Get it? SherLOCK? Like a lock of hair? C'mon idiots we're talking about wigs here try to keep up.

Friday, December 9, 2016

Kanye West Made Some Nice Baskets

Kanye West died his hair yellow. The original story called it "blonde" but that isn't blonde. Here he is pictured for the first time since being released from the hospital for his mental breakdown. It was at an art installation where he is presumably showing off his "art" somewhere. Probably at The Wacky Museum of Natural History over in Looneyville.

Lena Dunham is Number 2

Here's a now deleted picture from Lena Dunham's Instagram account of her sitting on a toilet. Why? How should I know why she would post such a thing I just got here myself. The bigger question is, who took the picture?  But really,  I'm just passing it along in the hopes of ruining your weekend. Jesus. If it wasn't for that roll of toilet paper you wouldn't even know she was sitting on a toilet.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Jennifer Aniston Does it Again

I know I wrote about Jennifer Aniston less than 12 hours ago but they keep having premiers for the latest piece of crap she's starring in and -- listen I'll be honest -- she could be playing a French maid in this garbage dump and I wouldn't sit through it. But as long as they keep having premiers, and she keeps showing up looking like that, I'll keep posting the pics and regaling you with extremely humorous anecdotes. If you don't like it you could always start your own blog and make fun of me. That sounds like fun doesn't it?  Don't be too mean though, I'm sensitive.

Kid Rock Wears Clothes

Say what you want about Kid Rock but you have to admit that's a pretty cool outfit.

Jennifer Aniston is a Private Dick

Jennifer Aniston finally joined the 1981 version of Charlie's Angels. I wonder what sexy adventure she'll have first. Does it involve a remarkably handsome blogger? We'll just have to wait and see I guess. By the way, she's in a lot of movies with Jason Bateman isn't she? If I was Justin Tibedoux or whatever her husband's name is, I'd start asking some questions. I'm not trying to start any problems, it's just something I've noticed. Haven't you noticed that Jackson?

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

David Beckham Needs an Exit

David Beckham always looks like he's lost and he's trying to read exit signs on the opposite side of the freeway.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Jonah Hill Thinks Pink

Jonah Hill showed off his new look over the weekend. I'm not really sure what it's called but maybe they could name it "The Keep Him Away From Your Kids" look.

Olivia Somebody is Wholesome

One of the Olivias wore her grandmother's sewing room table cloth to the "Office Christmas Party" premier. I'm not sure where this happened because I want to see this movie like I want to accidentally kick my coffee table in the dark

Monday, December 5, 2016

Mila and Austin Kutcher Had a Baby

Noted celebrity halfwits Mila Kunis and Justin Kutcher have revealed the name of their newborn baby. It's Dimitri. That's right Dimitri. I guess they hope he'll grow up to be the leader of the Russian mafia. And I just realized I called him Justin instead of Ashton but seriously, what difference does it make.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Jasmine Tookes is a Master Criminal

Jasmine Tookes is the latest Victoria's Secret "Angel" chosen to wear their $3 million dollar bra. I'd say they must really trust her to not put it on under her jacket and secretly run off with it but, judging by the look on her face in that picture, I'd say the only thing keeping her upright is her brain stem so that thing ain't going anywhere.