Nicole Kidman is Attractive

 Nicole Kidman won the AFI lifetime achievement award on Saturday night for being thin, 5'11,  blonde, and attractive. It was presented to her by Meryl Streep who is none of those things so it must've been very painful for her. Man I never knew she was 5'11.

 I also didn't know Nicole was still married to Keith Urban. She towers over the guy and he's wearing platform boots what a serious jerk that guy is.  Still I guess you don't get to pick who your future wife is currently married too. I mean seriously, how could you stand being married to a 56 year old guy that still dresses like this. Okay I admit that's pretty cool, but still the guy is practically a midget Nicole get real. I'm 6'2 so you can even wear heels when we go places.

Mason Mount and Freya Tidy are Amazing

 Some guy named Mason Mount (yeah sure) Has a girlfriend named Freya Tidy and oh my god who fucking cares. He's a 25 year old soccer player and she's 21. Huzzah! I only wrote this because the source story described her as a "former McDonald's worker turned model". 

She worked at McDonald's when she was 16.When I was 14 or maybe 15 I worked at Baskin-Robbins 31 Flavors.  It was my first job. So it's nice to know if I manage to somehow change the world they'll describe me as the former ice cream parlor worker. Also she's called a model because she posts pictures of herself wearing bikinis on Instagram, and that's all she posts. Pictures of herself. Dead eyed pictures of her staring off into the middle distance without a single thought in her head other than what she'll wear next.  I scrolled her account for as long as I could stand it and it appears she has no interests outside of herself. Which is fine, you go girl.

Maybe she's really very nice, or maybe her dad is a billionaire and she's in charge of a foundation she started with his money rescuing abandoned animals and protecting baby birds. Or maybe I make shit up on my head to try to make these vapid, soulless people easier for me to stomach so I can continue this asinine hobby.

Billie Eilish is Gay. Now.

Hey everyone Billie Eilish is suddenly gay now. What a shocking development. I've never heard even the remotest mention about her sexuality until just this minute. What a coincidence this all is. If a fad started where people began describing themselves as Mr. Snuffleupagus, tomorrow afternoon half of you people would show up to school or work wearing a purple elephant trunk on your face. Don't any of you ever have even a single independent, original thought? 

Well... it's starting to look like I need to take another week off from this

Naomi Watts Works It

 Naomi Watts went to the gym and then talked about her workout routine and then her skincare routine and oh my god who the fuck cares. I do however, want you to realize that Naomi Watts is 55 years old. I just want you to remember that when I tell you this is what a 55 year old looked like in 1980.  As far as I'm concerned there's nothing wrong with either one, but I'm super weird and it's mostly a style thing anyway.  But let's face it Naomi Watts is smokin', and she easily competes with ant 28 year old reading this. Plus she isn't 28 years old so that's even better.

She is Australian though and it's a bit of a problem for me. More on that some other time

There was one other gym picture but they both include her "trainer" and he looked like he was in worse shape than me so I think he has a lot of nerve calling himself a trainer and I'm not having some doughy guy stinking up my blog. So in conclusion I'll send you guys an invitation for when me and Naomi get married.

Sydney Sweeney in Red

 I haven't written about Sydney Sweeney in a couple of days so thank God she went on vacation to Hawaii and rode around in a Jeep in a bikini, but I actually didn't like any of those pictures though so I used this one instead. I still say for reasons I can't put my finger on she reminds me of a 1930s' gun moll. And if you think that's an insult you don't know me at all. Yikes.

What I will say is, finally Hollywood and the media picked a Hollywood "It Girl" I can really get behind. I mean an It Girl that I can really mount on a pedestal. Wait that sounds bad too. How about.. an It Girl I'd like to have sex with. There that's much better. Hey remember when the newest "It Girl" was Amber Heard? Haha! Those were the days

JENNIFER ANISTON FRIENDS REUNION

 Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston went to an Iron Maiden concert last weekend, no of course I'm kidding it was some restaurant, and every time they do this everyone calls it a "mini Friends reunion". I don't know what the occasion was because every time I see the phrase "mini Friends reunion" I stop reading, but they have to call these events something to get you dullards reading and clicking and you all seem to love Friends, so maybe there's your answer. And even though it features Jennifer Aniston, I'd say over the course of my entire life I've seen maybe 10 minutes of Friends in total and it's way, WAY to sitcomy for me. 

I usually love women with short hair but I'm officially begging Jennifer to do something else with hers. Grow it out, shave it off, dye it blue (which sounds like a great idea actually), I honestly don't care what you do just something other than what she's doing now. Anyway, I hope they had fun three days ago.

Camila Cobello is a Poser

 Camila Cobello joined every other B-List shit-head and played dress up to go to Coachella. This will be the only time I mention Coachella as I have zero idea why anyone makes such a big deal out of this. Going to any kind of music festival seems... outdated? It just seems like a weird thing to do in 2024. It's also possible that I'm getting old but I doubt that's it. If a music festival had anyone playing that I had any interest in seeing, and tickets weren't $480 for one day, I would probably go. But I'm not paying $1000 for two tickets to go watch a 35 minute set by "Sandy Duncan's Eye" while surrounded by 17 year olds and Camila Cobello, no thanks.

Jennifer Lopez is a White Night

 Jennifer Lopez put on a tight white dress and went for a "mom's night out" whatever that is. It's funny there's no mention of her husband lately, what's that guy's name? Oh right Ben Affleck. I bet she forgot too. I hope she had a good time considering nobody is buying her album, or tickets for her "world tour".  I've been saying for years that these two (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez), should take their money and retire to a fancy cabin in the woods somewhere. It's not going to get better for them from here. 

At this point who remembers Jennifer Lopez? People that watch The View and think that women still need to be "empowered" that's who, even though women run 76% of the Human Resources departments, are in charge of most colleges,  and even head up  most of Hollywood now.  

Well either way I'm going to avoid writing about Jennifer Lopez going forward. Mostly because she's boring and really nobody cares any more

Go Back to the Machine

 Yeah he's right. despite what all of the replies say, because they don't know anything, trust me. I've been saying this for three years now. You should all be back in the office. I can't believe we're even having this discussion in mid-2024. 97% of you simply aren't built to be working on your own. You all need to be herded back into those buildings like the mindless cattle you are, so you can be paid to answer emails or read spreadsheets while wearing khakis and a golf shirt or whatever the fuck you do, while some office manager named April, or Beth, or Mark keeps an eye on you. My neighbor "works from home" and he spends all day walking his dog up and down the street. I don't even know what he does, but I hope it isn't designing airplanes, or bridges. 

You all have a herd mentality. It's not really as bad as I make it sound, we need you, the way some flowers need ants so they can blossom. But it's also why you'll cheer for college basketball teams that play for schools you didn't attend, or baseball teams from cities where you don't live. It's why traffic slows to a crawl to look at the shiny blinking lights that act like some weird beacon to you, while some cop gives a guy a ticket for posting crap on Facebook while driving. It's simply how you are. It defines your very existence. And it's okay. Accept it.

And the real fact of the matter is, it takes a special kind of person to be isolated at home like that. It's something innate that you can't really develop. Plus it takes years and years of practice. How do I know this? Because for most of my adult working life I owned my own businesses and I know what it means to work alone. I know it means that my very survival depends on me being motivated to actually work as opposed to watching 1970s era Match Game on the Game Show Channel while you occasionally move the computer mouse back and forth so the ever watching Eye in the Sky doesn't get you fired for non-performance.  

So I've had co-workers, and I've had no co-workers, and for me, no co-workers is best, as I am absolutely incapable of being a team player. And believe me I tried. I want to be normal like you. But I've been working "from home" since quite literally the early 2000s, and I know from experience that most of you aren't qualified for that. It's really that simple. 

Going "to the office", whether it's in a building or in a farm field, or building pyramids, it's how humans have worked since humans existed, and certainly how they've worked for the last 200 years. 

It's not your fault that you're a cog in the machine, it's how you were raised. By your parents, your family, and by school.  So you should go out there and be the best cog in the machine you can be, because the machine needs cogs so it can function. 

You should actually feel very proud. So get on that train or sit in traffic for 90 minutes on the way to your cubicle and go get 'em tiger

Zendaya is Gorgeous Question Mark

 I wasn't going to write about Zendaya anymore but someone draped a dress over a broom handle during the after party for the new movie she's in - which I already forgot the name of - and called it gorgeous and so here we are. 

Gorgeous? Let's not get carried away. 

I don't know why they're pushing this woman on us so hard, especially since no one has ever seen one of her movies as far as I know. I mean, I kind of do, but I'm not saying it out loud so I'll let you decide for yourself. I just want you to keep in mind that the internet isn't real and almost nothing you read here translates at all to the outside world.

Sienna Miller was Pregnant

 Sienna Miller had a baby like, three months ago but you'd never know it. I guess being a new mother at 42 years old officially makes her a MILF. Do they get a badge or something?

I assume it was with that nerd next to her. Seriously I give up. Babes like Sienna Miller are pumping out kids with guys that look like they spent yesterday stuffed in a locker and meanwhile I'm over here changing a tire with one hand and rescuing a baby squirrel with the other and Sydney Sweeney won't even return my letters. What does it take? Being far less muscular? Being more feminine? Taking up sewing? Sorry baby that ain't my style.

Zendaya is Somebody. I think.

 Zendaya is still walking around in this white dress like she has been for like nine days, that certain celebrity sites can't stop talking about. They also keep calling her "the Dune actress" like anyone knows what Dune is. She's also promoting a new movie called Challenger? I have no idea. Her co-stars were there too... Mike Faist, and Josh O'Connor? Wow it's like a who's who of who cares.

Zendaya seems like she's famous to people under 25 and that's about it. The one group of people that have no money to actually see movies. But the kids do love her so maybe that's why they keep putting her in movies adults over 30 have never heard of. 

By the way this picture is from Italy where people outside the cities still live in shacks with their farm animals. A lot of people in the US don't realize like 76% of the world still lives that way. That's why you see those videos of people carrying sheep and chickens on the back of motorcycles. My friend is a first generation American whose family came from Greece. You guys don't see it on the Travel Channel, but it's still 1940 there. Frankly I'm surprised they even have TV in Italy.

Rihanna Starts to Swell with Pride

 Rihanna had her picture taken in bed while she ate french fries. Pretty cool huh? I'm sure it was an add for "comfortware" or whatever they sell you disgusting slobs that go shopping at WalMart in PJs. One thing I will tell her is she's pushing 40, and eating french fries in bed is a very bad idea because at 40 your metabolism gets turned off like somebody threw a switch. You can already see it happening in that picture. You can save your "She's a Kween" and "She looks healthy" bullshit for someone else, and admit she looks like she's spent the weekend eating salty beef sandwiches, drinking Hennessy and retaining water like a camel

 Rihanna is one of those people that never seems to stop being famous, I don't even know what she does anymore, and yet she's all over the websites aimed at mouth breathing imbeciles with a Hummel collection on a wooden shelf in their kitchen. Whatever I don't care go buy your Rihanna underwear and have a nice life.

OJ Simpson Dies

 OJ Simpson died of cancer. Did it chop his head off? Who knows, maybe an autopsy will find the real killer

BRITNEY SPEARS NUDE

 

 Britney Spears went to a nude beach and took some pictures. They didn't mention where this nude beach was, or even if it technically is a nude beach,  but at this point I'm not sure if Britney Spears cares either way. 

 If she was 22, experience tells me you should avoid her at all costs because this kind of behavior is going to cause you nothing but grief, ask me how I know. But she's not 22, she's nearly twice that and in her 40s now and yeah this is pretty much what you want at this point in your life. I'm not going to explain it because I can't but you'll find out what I mean.

Aoki Lee Simmons has a Boyfriend

 Aoki Lee Simmons, 21 has a new boyfriend Vittorio Assaf 65. Women are so fucking weird. Most people would say that the only thing a 21 year old would see in a 65 year old guy is money, but the fact is, she's music "mogul" Russel Simmons' daughter so there's a pretty good chance she actually has more money than he does so explain that.

 I honestly can't figure out what any guy over 40 - or really even 30 - would want with some 21 year old kid. Have you ever talked to a 21 year old? No sex is worth that. They're horrible. Vittorio was also married to Swedish model Charlotte Bonstrom and she's 10 times hotter that Aoki Simmons and also twice her age. Also she has a twin sister so if you're going to be a pig, why not just move between the two? I'm totally baffled. Why should I go to the gym, and watch what I eat and dress as sexy as I do when all the hot chicks will just flock to that fat old potato with legs anyway? I just do not get it

I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm losing my way here. Whatever the case may be the age gap doesn't bother me, they're both adults yes even at 21. Would I date a 21 year old? Probably not. There are the occasional unicorns that you meet that are normal but they're so rare and probably almost non-existent in 2024. 

Russel Simmons and his wife or ex-wife or whatever she is seem to be upset about this little dalliance but I'll be honest it's probably fake outrage. Hollywood, and celebrity types exist in their own reality so I'd bet anything they don't really care and are just saying that because it's good PR. 

 

 

Site Update

 I'm working on it I'll have stuff later today. By the way here's Elizabeth Hurley

Jennifer Lopez I Hardly Knew You

 They said this was Jennifer Lopez but something about it seems off. I think that's an idealized AI generated version of Jennifer Lopez. I know she looks hot most of the time but... I don't know it's weird and kind of unsettling. Sort of like a photographic Turing test. Is it real? Or is it a computer. Honestly, I think that's what Jennifer Lopez thinks Jennifer Lopez looks like.

Shakira is the Queen of Ages

Shakira has a new boyfriend, his name is Who Cares. The only reason I'm even writing about this is he's 31 and she's nearly 50 years old yet I haven't seen anyone mention their age gap. I wonder why that is. It's pretty swiftly pointed out by a lot of people when the genders are reversed, but now suddenly it's all "yassss kween" and "you go gurl" or whatever you dummies blurt out when you're drunk. I've said here probably 100 times that any difference in age is meaningless to me, especially since most of the time these people are well into adulthood. 

Anyway, I hope they have fun before she gets sent to prison for tax evasion.  Wait I just read that I guess she isn't going to jail. Shit there goes all those women in prison fantasies I made up in my head just now
 

Holly Madison was in Playboy... In 2005

 Holly Madison - a woman that was in Playboy Magazine 20 years ago in 2005 - says she was pressured to post nudes on OnlyFans 

'In the interactions and the DMs, you would always get those regular fans who start saying, "Why don’t you do this in the photos?" or "Why don’t you do that?"' she said.

'I wasn’t going to go there, but I can imagine how, if you feel like you need the money, there could be that pressure to push that boundary.'

So my question is this... What?  Do I not know how OnlyFans works? I though sexual content was the whole idea? If not X-Rated then at least Hard-R. I've never visited OnlyFans so maybe I'm missing something, or I don't know how it works. And some of the women I've seen that have OnlyFans accounts make Holly Madison look like one of the guys from Hogan's Heroes so if you aren't posting nudes, why are they there? 

By the way my friend Jenny was in Playboy, and not only that, her pictorial was a lot bigger than Holly's and she's just a mom with a husband and two kids now that just gets up every day and goes to work like an average person. She isn't complaining about people pressuring her for nudes because they send her $50 a month for what seems to be no real reason