Saturday, July 22, 2017

It's the Magic of Hollywood

The image on the left is Eva Longoria last Sunday. The image on the right is Eva Longoria this past Friday. I'm not sure what happened during those five days and then I remembered she works in Hollywood where they make giant gorillas that can fly UFO's and unfunny assholes like Will Farrell still collect multi-million dollar paychecks and I thought okay yes this makes sense now.

Jon Somebody was Robbed

Model and actor Jon Kortajarena was attacked and robbed in London. I only read far enough to spell his name correctly because I've never heard of this asshole, and I'm still not sure if I spelled it right so I don't know what he was robbed of, but if I had to guess,  I'd say probably his dignity.

Romme Strijd Does Stuff

Romee Strijd is a Victoria's Secret Angel? Jesus how many of them are there? It seems like every thin girl with a quirky sense of style is a Victoria's Secret Angel now. Is this one of those millennial things where everyone gets a turn so no one gets their feelings hurt? Because that would explain a lot.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Adam Levine Hates Ties

Adam Levine always looks like his head is about to float away. Maybe he should hang around with Datsun Croutons or whatever her name is.

Doutzen Kroes is a He

Victoria's Secret model Doutzen Kroes looks like her head is filled with helium.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Elizabeth Hurley Topless

I wasn't going to write about Elizabeth Hurley's latest mostly naked Instagram photo no matter how badly I wanted too because I didn't want to overwhelm this already Elizabeth Hurley heavy time of the year, but there was that whole unfortunate naked Greg Norman thing a few minutes ago so I needed something less...manly? You know what I mean. Anyway thanks Lizzy your a real life saver. And what I mean is,  I'd love to wear you around my neck if you get my drift. 

Greg Norman Naked

Here's golf legend Greg Norman naked. Why is he naked? Who knows, he's from Australia so maybe he's trying to wash all the blood out of his clothes. They're all criminals you know. He's 62 years old in case you were wondering. I wasn't, but you're the damn weirdo so I know you'd probably want that information. Have fun being naked you damn show off.

Justin Bateman is Hot

After I published the last piece I continued reading the original source story which I almost never do because I almost never read it at all. I mean, who gives a shit? Anyway, as I scrolled down I discovered that Justin "The World's Most Punchable Face" Bateman was also at the Jen/Husband dinner thing. Probably where they discussed fashion and maybe to figure out why Justin was wearing a jacket in New York on Monday when the high temperature was 89 degrees. Aren't you hot man? Seriously. Hey man, where's your sister?

Jennifer Aniston Ripped Her Pants

Jennifer Aniston and her husband (picture not available/name unknown) went out to dinner last night. I don't know the name of the place they had dinner but I'm sure it was very hip, kind of like Jennifer's jeans. Keep in mind,  I'm a fashion expert and I'm not a huge fan of ripped jeans. Unless they were ripped during some kind of action sport like parkour or maybe skateboarding like mine were. Hey Jen check out this wheelie. Who's your husband now baby.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Site News

Man, there ain't shit to write about so I haven't written anything. Summer is usually pretty slow but I've never seen it like this. And I was already scraping the bottom of the barrel for the last week or two as it was, and there are only so many ways to say you want to have sex with Elizabeth Hurley or Jennifer Aniston without coming right out and saying it like I did just now. Hopefully something will turn up somewhere that doesn't involve around the clock coverage of the one time Donald Trump ordered food from a Russian restaurant back in the 80's or something. So I'll look around and hopefully something will turn up.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Sunday With Eva Longoria

Uuuuhh... What is happening to Eva Longoria? I bet it's for a part in a movie right? She'll go back to the way she normally looks soon right?

Friday, July 14, 2017

Howdy Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman appears on the cover of Love Magazine for reasons no one seemed to mention. And I actually read the story for once. She's 50 years old, did I mention that? Did I also mention that I don't care? Because I don't. And if you care you're either scared or gay. My guess would be the later I mean look at you. Give me a call Nicole. Wear the hat.

Antonio Banderas is Brave

Antonio Banderas has a new girlfriend. Her name is Nicole Kempel, she's 37, attractive, and crazy as fuck. Do you know how I can tell? Look at her eyes. It's always in the eyes. Crazy women always have those giant saucer like eyes. Always. That's an insane woman right there. One minute you're chatting over dinner, having a nice time, in a nice restaurant and you excuse yourself to use the restroom, on the way you stop to tie your shoe and when you come back she's foaming at the mouth because you were gone for two minutes longer than you said you'd be. "Who did you call?" "Was it that waitress that looked at you as we came in?"  Oh yes. Don't believe me? Give it a shot sometime. They're easy to find because you can spot them from a mile away. Hell, I've managed it several times. Oh sure they're a lot of fun to be with (sex) but holy shit. All of this is not an indictment of her of course because I don't know her. Just remember though, NOT having saucer like eyes doesn't mean she isn't a wacko. You're just going to have to find out I guess. Anyway, good luck Antonio.

DMX is in Trouble

Rap superstar (?) DMX (seen here dressed as one of the Mario Brothers) could go to federal prison for as long as 44 years if he is convicted on 14 charges of tax evasion. He used personal bank accounts and the accounts of managers and on, and on, and on... it's all very confusing so I quit reading. It's said he owes the IRS $1.7 million dollars which by my calculations is a shit ton.  On the other hand I haven't really heard about him much in the last 10 years and he's a rapper so for all I knew he was already in prison. Good luck DMX I hope it all works out or whatever.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Donnie Wahlberg is Generous (?)

Donnie Wahlberg left a $2000 tip for the employees at a Waffle House in North Carolina. He even went so far as to post about his generosity on Facebook...
“My mom waited tables, and my dad tended bars, for years! So, when I walk into a Waffle House, and the staff treats me like a king, you better believe I treat them like queens! Thanks to the team at Waffle House in Charlotte.”
Good for him, knowing how difficult it can be waiting tables etc. But I wonder why he doesn't leave a $2000 tip every time considering $2000 is 0.01% of his reported $20,000,000 personal net worth. And also considering that even at just 3%, $20 million dollars earns $608,319.14 worth of interest every year. Just for doing nothing. That's about $1700.00 a day. But yeah good for him.

The Fat Jew Acts Like an Asshole on a Boat

Noted Twitter personality and Tweet/joke/Instagram post thief The Fat Jew, or as the Daily Mail calls him The Fat Jewish, had a "celebrity" filled party aboard a rented yacht while he was dressed in pink. Was it a coming out party? No that's his "slutty sea admiral" costume. Yeah don't ask me. It was a release party for PINK PARTY Rose with Bubbles? Okay whatever that is, I won't be buying it anyway. But it was celebrity filled, at least by Daily Mail standards...

The guests included such luminaries as:

Kim Kardashian's best friend Jonathan Cheban,
The Real Housewives of New York's Dorinda Medley
The Bachelor's Olivia Caridi
And last but not least, Diplo.

That list reads like a who's who of who gives a shit. The Fat Jewish went on to say...
 'There are no rules on this boat. There's a lot of questionable decisions being made. By eight o'clock a lot of people will regret what they've said and done. And that's what we're going for.'
 By eight o'clock? Oh man lock up your daughters they're going to get WiLd! Okay, can I never write about this asshole again? Please?

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Charlize Theron Loses Weight

Charlize Theron talks about gaining weight for her new film Tully and how hard it was to lose it this time now that she's reached the ancient age of 41.
'The sugar put me in a massive depression. I was sick. I couldn't lose the weight. I called my doctor and I said, 'I think I'm dying!' And he's like, 'No, you're 41. Calm down,' she explained.
Wow 41. Better start making out your will grandma. Big deal. I know I'm considered abnormal when I say she does absolutely nothing for me. I see her picture and I just think, meh whatever. I'm not sure why. I'm sure she's very nice but I told you I'm not interested so quit messaging me Charlie.

Paris Jackson Wants to be a Hippie

Paris Jackson dressed like a hippie to visit some charity in L.A. Why? I don't know. I'll never understand the fascination people in their teens and 20's have with hippies. It seems to be on a 20 year cycle though because I remember it happened in the 90's too. Although then it was just the clothes, moving to Seattle, painting peace symbols on things, playing hacky sack and for reasons I'll never understand, juggling sticks. Nobody really had much of a hippie attitude beyond that, it was just fashion. I guess wanting to be a hippie is just something everyone has to go through. Sort of like getting chicken pox, or going through puberty. "Welcome to your teen years here's a tie dyed shirt and an album by The Doors!" You're not original Paris.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Elizabeth Hurley Uses Both Hands

Here's 52 year old Elizabeth Hurley in a picture she posted to her Instagram account yesterday while she was doing some gardening and holding a squirting hose with both hands. I'm not sure why you'd work in your garden in a bathing suit but then I'm not a model. In fact the only reason I even wrote about her today was because she's a good fall back position because she's hot and always desperate for attention and so she runs around in skimpy clothes all day long and I'll be busy for a while because I have to fix the brakes on my truck. Shirtless. You hear that Liz? If you want to stop by and do some yoga in the yard until I finish up maybe we can work in the yard with my hose later too. I just put down some grass seed you perverts and watering it is a two person job.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Sunday Rihanna is Fun Day

Here's a picture of Rihanna on a Jet Ski that's making the rounds on the internet in case you ever wondered how much fun it would be to hang out with her. They say a picture is worth a thousand words and this one says... "I'm cold" and..."Put the convertible top up this is messing up my hair" and my all time favorite, "Can we go home now?"

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Ireland Baldwin Looks Like Her Mom

This is Ireland Baldwin's picture from her Instagram account. The 21 year old daughter of Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger. She looks remarkably like her mother in that picture and in fact I originally thought that was Kim Bassinger. OH MY GOD SHE'S COVERED IN POLKA DOTS AND TATTOOS. Sorry where was I. Oh yes. Ireland Baldwin... I think I read somewhere she's 6'2. I'M 6'2. I also have an athletic build, a great sense of humor and I used that picture of that guy that has me blocked on Twitter even though I have no idea who he is, to cover up all those terrible comments in your Instagram feed. See? I can protect you if you need it. And hey if things don't work out maybe you could introduce me to your mom.

Black Chyna Naked

Rob Kardashian could get prison time for illegally sharing nude photos of Blac Chyna because of the new "revenge porn" laws in California. I didn't read much of the story beyond that because I was afraid I might have to see pictures of Blac Chyna naked and nobody should have to suffer like that. If it's true and he really did post her nudes on his social media accounts they should lock up this madman for life

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Bad Boy Jordan Barrett Lives Up to His Name

"Male" model Jordan Barrett lived up to his bad boy image by getting kicked off of a child's amusement park ride.  What's next walking in the field with the keep off the grass sign, or maybe going in through the exit doors at a gas station, or maybe feeding the animals at the zoo?  There was a time when Johnny Cash accidentally started a forest fire that required 500 people a week to put out, and guys like Keith Moon drove cars into swimming pools and trashed hotel rooms causing thousands of dollars in damages, but sure you're too fast to live James Dean. I bet it's always a wild ride when Jordan comes to town.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Petra Nemcova Stands Around

I was looking for stuff to write about but in case you're not aware, it's a big holiday weekend here in the States so all I could find was something about model Petra Nemcova dressed like the inside of 1700's era coffin. She was at some fashion week thing in Paris doing whatever it is they do at fashion shows. Hopefully she'll get some new shoes because those are awful. That and dodge angry Muslim protestors. Or at least I think that's what they do in France. Make that long bread? Who knows. I like their ice cream though.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Sunday With Nicole Scherzinger

Here's Nicole Scherzinger's Instagram post of her in her bikini celebrating her 39th birthday in Mykonos, Greece. Good lord. I really don't know what else to say, so let's not spoil this mood with a lot of nonsense small talk.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Saturday Ryan Gosling Post

Ryan Gosling is on a promotional toure (I added the E because he's from Canada) for his new movie "Blade Runner 2049: The Boring Returns" where he showed everyone how he wears a jean jacket. With a popped collar and his hands in his pockets.  Maybe Blade Runner takes place in the past. Like the 1980's. All he needs is a Rising Sun bandana and one of those British flag t-shirts and he'll be all set