Wednesday, February 27, 2019

Pink is Partying

Pink had a beer. Then rotated the tires, did the brakes, and fired up the ol' BBQ grill for some steaks. Later her and the boys played cards in the basement.

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Bebe Rexha's Age is Just a Number

Bebe Rexha is in the news as usual too. For doing whatever it is she does I guess. They say she's 29 but I also say I'm The Mayor of Funky Town.

Ben Affleck is Chilly

I seem to write about Ben Affleck an awful lot. He's always on the celebrity rag sites constantly although I don't really honestly think he's much of a celebrity anymore is he? I can't remember the last movie I saw him in. Of course the last movie I watched was made in 1950 and had Marilyn Monroe and Sterling Hayden in it so it's very possible that Ben "Giant Head" Affleck was in the most profitable movie in history last year and I wouldn't know it. Still they talk about him a lot. For instance they mentioned how he was out walking around on Monday wearing a hoodie and winter hat despite the fact that it was 67 degrees in Los Angeles. That's pretty much it. That was the big Ben Affleck news. He was walking around. Okay well...guess I gotta go.

Monday, February 25, 2019

Kendall Jenner Does Stuff

There's so much in this picture I don't understand. Sometimes I feel like I arrived here from a time that's long since past from a far away universe.

Saturday, February 23, 2019

Alex Rodriguez is Ridin Dirty

Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez went for a cruise in Alex's cool new ghettoized Jeep. It wasn't made clear where they were going, probably to get some Hennessey and Black and Milds.

Wednesday, February 20, 2019

Miranda Lambert Likes 'em Young

I poked a little harmless fun at Miranda Lambert getting in a fight in a Tennessee steakhouse on Twitter when I should have made fun of her for marrying this pathetic toolbag (name unknown).

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Fergie Rocks

Holy smokes I wrote this and forgot about it. And thank God too because I sure as shit didn't feel like writing anything new...

I wouldn't have known this was Fergie if I wasn't told. But I was also told she's a "rocker" now because she's wearing a black leather jacket that was apparently designed by Arthur Fonzerelli. I hope she doesn't rock too hard later at the Panic! At the Disco concert or whatever other shitty music you people listen to now.

Saturday, February 16, 2019

Hugh Jackman Jacks Himself

Hugh Jackman was jacking himself up at the gym and decided to add a "playmoji" of "Childish Gambino". Probably so the kids would think he (Hugh Jackman) was hip. I don't know what Childish Gambino has to do with anything basically because I'm my grandfather now. I don't know why this is a character, why people think it's cool, I know literally nothing about this weird character. The story I read didn't bother to explain why this was happening or whatever became of this episode. This whole Childish Gambino thing strikes me as one of those things that people - mostly internet people - suddenly decide that because they like something, it makes them cool. I also remember for a brief period about 18 months ago the internet was trying to tell everyone they were pooping wrong so I take very little of what the taste-makers have to say seriously. Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen a Hugh Jackman movie. Oh well listen, if you do, I'll be out in the garage tell me all about it sometime.

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Jessica Simpson Still Pregnant

Jessica Simpson is still so pregnant with rhinoceros twins that she broke her toilet, which she then told everyone about. Good job?

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Lolo Jones is Virginal

Lolo Jones is an Olympic athlete of some kind, probably skeet shooting or whatever they do during the Olympics. Ski? Who knows. She does however claim, at the age of 36, to still be a virgin. When asked if she'd ever date another athlete she blurted this out...
'Trust me, I've tried every occupation. I don't know why God hasn't blessed me with my husband. Another reason why I'm probably single is because I've never had sex and guys do not want to wait for girls,' Lolo added...
 ...I've never had sex. I'm waiting till marriage,'
Yeah and I'm the Crown Prince of Madagascar. There isn't anything wrong with being a virgin, I just don't believe it. I'm not saying I'm right, but I'm always right.  Hey if you want to be boring, and save yourself for marriage I'm not going to stop you. But you know, "practice makes perfect" they say so if you need some help "Lolo"I'm here for you.

Kate on a Date

Kate Beckinsale is still involved with Pete Davidson as evidenced by the fact that she's still hiding her face when they're out together. Can you imagine being so embarrassed about being involved with someone that you actually hid your face in shame? I know you can because, well, look at you, but what if you were a celebrity in the public eye more or less constantly. And this from a woman that was probably paid to date a guy by the studio so people wouldn't suspect he was homosexual. Allegedly. That's pure speculation on my part but since I know everything, take that as you will. Hollywood is a fucked up place and that's a fact.

Monday, February 11, 2019

Kylie Jenner Runs Down

The Kylie Jenner Sexbot, Model Illudium PU-36, was delivered ahead of the Grammys after her emergency battery change. You can tell when they need to be recharged because this particular model's face gets stiff and their eyes turn empty and soulless like that. They usually spring back to life after a restart. I'm sure as the technology improves they'll come up with a less creepy alert system.

Saturday, February 9, 2019

We're Having a Party

I bet it'd be just like J. Robert Oppenheimer and Einstein discussing the coming atomic age.

Friday, February 8, 2019

Kaley Cuco Points the Finger

Okay so I blew this site off for a couple of days again, big deal. You're not the boss of me. No one is, I'm a rebel. And then I saw Kaley Cuoco in lingerie and the writing bug got me again. She's cute for real. I've written about her before somewhere around here I'll find it later. I've seen a couple of episodes of The Big Bang Theory and I know people hate it but I don't know why. It doesn't seem different at all from any other sitcom I've ever seen. Couch facing the audience, people in apartments, mostly lame jokes... what am I missing? Do they kick puppies? It all seems fairly standard.  But this one has an ace up it's sleeve. A really cute blonde with a nice stomach. Maybe I should look into this again. I won't though. I can see cute, physically fit girls all over the internet and I don't have to sit through another unfunny 22 minute sitcom to do it.

!!SEXY PRE-POSTING UPDATE!!  I did a quick search of  past stories and I guess I haven't written about her in the past although I could swear I did. It's entirely possible I spelled her name wrong and I don't know what to search for. Hell I'm not even sure I spelled it right this time and I copied it right off the internet. I'll do better Kaley I swear baby I'm sorry.

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Cate Blanchett is From Somewhere

At first I was afraid to click on the underlying story about some new Giorgio Armani movie "Sì F iori eau de parfum" because I thought it was about Cate Blanchett's ghost but she's not dead, just British. No wait, Australian? What's the difference.  And no I don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Giorgio Armani movie? Is that what they're calling commercials now? If you see it maybe send me an email telling me all about it.

Monday, February 4, 2019

Duncan Bannatyne is Only Human

Duncan Bannatyne celebrated his 70th birthday with his smokin' 38 year old wife dressed up like Romans for some reason. Probably a sexual thing who knows. Perverts. I have zero idea who he is, and that's really saying something, and considering she's half his age I couldn't figure out the attraction, and then I Googled "Duncan Bannatyne Net Worth ($600 million)" and suddenly I realized maybe it wasn't his sense of humor she liked so much. But you never know. Maybe he pretended to be me (as if) and she fell for him the way he was. Sort of like a terrible romantic comedy. Starring a guy that will, on average, live another 3-4 years and a hot 38 year old widow with $600 million. Hey give me a call.

Camillo Cabela is on Minute 9

Camila Cabello was out on a date with her standard issue boyfriend (name unknown) on Thursday. It wasn't mentioned what they went to see but I bet they probably tried to make it through A Dog's Way Home all by themselves since it looks like there was no one around to explain it to them. If you ask me she has about 6 minutes left of her 15 minutes of fame but hey I could be wrong. Maybe she'll be preforming at Super Bowl LIX0A1 or whatever the Hell the next number is.

Kate Beckinsale is Daring

Kate Beckinsale was on a date with Pete Davidson at some comedy club and boy doesn't she look thrilled. Why? I'm not sure why you'd want to get involved in that mess unless you want to be seen as still relevant and hip to what young people apparently think is cool, which I'm somewhat beginning to doubt at this point. You might think I chose a picture of her covering her face like that on purpose but in fact of the approximately 10 pictures I had to choose from they were pretty much all like that. Which is odd considering she has been photographed with everyone, just about anywhere sometimes with barely any clothes on - including that time in the hospital, which I thought I wrote about but I guess not- and she's never once shielded her face. I don't know what it is women see in this future obituary but don't ask me to explain women.I'm still working on who's supposed to pay for dinner.

Friday, February 1, 2019

Tekashi 6ix9ine is Dumb

"Rapper Takeshi "6ix9ine" or whatever he calls himself has allegedly entered into a plea deal effectively ending his life, and all of it at the age of 22. Barley out of high school. There's a transcript of all of this apparently, but I'm not spending one second learning about this asshole that I don't have to. Let's take this one by one...

He admitted to being paid for selling a kilo of heroin in 2017 but also seemingly turned against fellow gang members by claiming his actions were a result of the desire to rise higher in the rankings.

This idiot had the potential to earn tens of millions of dollars during even a short rap career but instead he wanted to sell a kilo of heroin to impress a bunch of dim bulbs that probably wouldn't even be alive within the next 12 months. Pretty stupid, even for a 22 year old. No one said you had to be brilliant to be a rapper.

The music artist said that early on into the gang membership he helped others try to kill a rival gang member March 20, 2018 to 'increase my own standing in Nine Trey'.
 He told Judge Paul A. Engelmayer. He said he also 'knew that another member of Nine Trey had a gun and discharged that gun'. 
 Hernandez claimed that alongside other members of the Nine Bloods he helped rob a rival at gunpoint on April 3, 2018. 

He robbed a guy. At gunpoint. In 2018. Less than a year ago all while - I assume - he was already a well known "artist". It's almost to stupid to believe. I just don't even know what to say about this.
The rapper said it was part of a pledge by new gang members to commit at least two crimes. 

"I pledge to commit at least two crimes". What are they a bunch of 11 year olds? "I promise to not reveal the location of our secret club, commit two crimes, and to kick James' ugly stupid sister in the butt". It's difficult to imagine this is how a gang operates but I guess they do.

There's a little more but I'm sick of reading about this imbecile. There was mention of a mandatory 47 year prison sentence, so he'd basically be eligible to be released just as he's turning 80 years old. What a fucking waste. We have to feed and house this dumbass for the rest of his life. Wouldn't it be easier to just take him outside, park a bullet in his head and bury him in an unmarked grave?  I guess that's not how America and it's stupid Constitution work though I guess. But hey, he might get some leniency for cooperating. What a fucking moron. I hope they toss his stupid ass in a cell and weld the door shut. Goodbye forever Tomcat 69.

Christie Brinkley Discusses Her 60s

Christie Brinkley compared being in her 60s to being in her 20 thusly...
(I've never used the word thusly before)

 You just don't date that much she said

She's 65. I'd date her in a heartbeat, let's face it she's still very attractive. I mean, shit man she's Christie Brinkley. What could be better? Go on a date, maybe a fancy dinner you're all dressed up  looking sharp, maybe a few drinks, a little dancing, then maybe back to her place... and you're in bed by 4. I mean c'mon. It's like the best fantasy you could imagine.