Saturday, January 30, 2016
Thursday, January 28, 2016
The performer is so serious, in fact, that "she's talking to friends about stopping any form of birth control soon," says a source.Someone should stop this. Miley Cyrus shouldn't be breeding. And I thought she was dating Liam or Chris Hemsworth or whichever one it was, but instead judging by the picture it looks like she's been dating a waiter from a second rate Italian restaurant. Maybe she just likes all the free spaghetti.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Monday, January 25, 2016
Saturday, January 23, 2016
So just when you thought things couldn't get any worse in 2016 - and remember it's still January - commercials have "teasers" now. You get that? This is a sneak preview of a television commercial for beer. Seth Rogen and Amy Schumer are in a new Bud Light commercial set to air some time soon but I don't know when officially, all it says is, "The Bud Light party. COMING SOON." My guess would be the Super Bowl. That's soon isn't it? They're both shown getting dressed up like they're doing something important. The girdles are the best part. You know it's funny because they're kind of chubby. The anticipation is killing me I can't lie. On the bright side this will give everyone time to make sure all their clothing is double stitched so none of it rips open while they're on the floor laughing.
!!BIG UPDATE!! If this commercial gets taken down I'm not replacing it so you better watch it while you can.
Friday, January 22, 2016
Zendaya is either a 19 or 15 year old Disney Channel actress that was surrounded by some kind of controversy over something having to do with global warming or maybe it had something to do with being gay but I have no idea and none of it interests me in the slightest. Well now she's the "new face" of Cover Girl so there you go. I assume it's for their eyebrow division but I'm a dude so I have no idea how make up works. Congratulations Jenga you deserve this.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Oh look! Here's yet another Amy Schumer story. Amy Schumer Amy Schumer Amy Schumer Amy Schumer has been accused of stealing jokes. I wouldn't know I've never heard an Amy Schumer "joke". But she is this moments It Girl and just like being the fastest gun in town people are going to come after you and make you prove it eventually. I'll provide a link but I'm not including a bunch of crap here that's going to be rehashed over the next several months I'm sure, because frankly that's a lot of work and to be honest I lost interest in this before I even started writing this stupid little story. Besides being accused of stealing jokes - even if it isn't true - shouldn't hurt Amy Schumer at all. Just look what it did for Carlos Mencia's career.
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Elle Macpherson. And that's pretty much it. If you were to ask me it seems the person we should be talking about here is that photographer. Apparently he's some kind of superhero that marries six foot tall models, gets tired of them and then moves on to the next one like a cool breeze. I'm a fast learner, please teach me your ways Master.
Stephanie Seymour was arrested for being cool last Friday. Okay maybe not cool - she was drunk - but really it's kind of the same if you think about it.
...the model stopped her Land Rover at the end of an off-ramp from Interstate 95 and then put the vehicle in reverse, colliding with a Mercedes Benz. An arrest report obtained by PEOPLE claims Seymour's vehicle was on its side when they arrived at the scene The arrest report claims there was a "strong odor of an alcoholic beverage [e]mitting from" Seymour's mouth as she spoke.
After six or seven requests for her license, registration and insurance, she finally was amble to fumble through her purse as she handed over her Connecticut driver's license along with a credit card...She handed over her license and a credit card? Yeah that's pretty drunk and she had absolutely no business driving a car. Next time give me a call Stephanie. I have a car and a bottle of tequila and we won't worry about society's "rules".
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
I know I said I wouldn't write about them anymore but I already did so whatever, and this doesn't really count despite the fact that I'm writing about them hey my blog my rules. And now back to the story. The picture on the left was titled "Whichever These Kardashians are Show Off Their Abs". The picture on the right is a picture of a woman with actual abs. Just in case you didn't know the difference.
To the collective yawns of every living creature on planet Earth, Khloe Kardashian admits to having made a sex tape with Lamar Odom. With nearly 40% of everything on the internet being porn, and most of the actresses being orders of magnitude hotter than her, it's bizarre to me that anyone would be the slightest bit interested. Unless it was made while he was lying brain damaged in his hospital bed suffering from complete organ failure then there's probably some freak out there that would be interested. Not me though, no sir.
Monday, January 18, 2016
Rowan Blanchard is a 14 year old actress on the Disney Channel show "Girl Meets World" and she really hates labels man so don't label her unless of course you want to label her as queer.
"In my life-only ever liked boys however I personally don't wanna label myself as straight gay or whateva so I am not gonna give myself labels to stick with- just existing : ),"I don't get it either. She only likes boys but wants to be known as queer? Can we be done with all of this yet? Please? I guess she's only 14 so she probably doesn't really know what she's saying, she's just stringing together words she might have heard somewhere once. And if we're going to be allowed to pick our own labels I'm a Jet Fighter Pilot Green Beret Fireman Superhero and I'd appreciate it if you were respectful I'm a little sensitive about it.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
No she didn't get engaged to Aaron Rogers. And all the celebrity gossip pages are sharing what they describe as the "hilarious" text she sent to her mom denying the report. I could barely write this through the tears of laughter so if this story seems worse than normal that's why. It caught me so off guard that I didn't have time to warm up my side muscles for the onslaught of laughter I was unaware was coming. I'm sure you know what she looks like so I really just used her picture to cover up the Instagram comments telling her how hilarious she is. We really have to stop encouraging this kind of thing and the sooner the better.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
The Daily Mail is running a story about how Sean Penn "led" Mexican police to drug lord Joaquin "EL Chapo" Guzman. Whether or not he did it intentionally, who knows. They report that the Associated Press contacted Sean Penn to ask about the pictures of him arriving at the airport dressed like a super secret agent/tough guy and his answer?
"I've got nothin' to hide"
Oh no not at all brave warrior. Sean Penn most likely won't be killed for this, but Pablo Escobar once blew a fully loaded passenger jet out of the air because he thought maybe one person was a DEA agent, and the billionaire drug kingpin also once had a waiter killed for stealing silverware from his kitchen. Still another once leveled an entire city block, but hey I'm sure it's no problem. Not at all. Let's let bygones be bygones I'm sure he'll say. My suggestion would be if you see Sean Penn stay away. And whatever you do, don't take any job offers from him that require you to start his car in the morning or accompany him to any fancy outdoor cafes. It doesn't hurt to be careful.
Monday, January 11, 2016
David Bowie died after a fight with cancer he was 69 years old. I liked a couple of songs but I wouldn't call myself a fan, I was indifferent at best. To me he was always the guy that sullen art students and emo-ish types that would wear a trench coat in July liked. Hell, I didn't even know he was sick. What I'd really like to see now is how the staff coordinates the lasers, smoke machines and nine coffin changes at his wake.
Friday, January 8, 2016
Thursday, January 7, 2016
ex-boyfriend would adore him
“He is very respectful towards the person that I was with (Cory), and that, again, is something I love so much about him. I really know that Cory would love him too.”I'm not sure how she knows that. Maybe Ghost Cory is planning on trashing your apartment some night to show his displeasure you don't know. But frankly she sounds a little weird so who knows maybe during all this time that I haven't heard about her maybe her, maybe her and her future best friend Chrissy Teigen sat around a Ouija Board or took a special trip to Heaven and instead of hanging out with Mozart and Einstein and Benjamin Franklin the ran around with the Ghost of some guy whose name I already forgot. Way to go Ghost Hunters
This isn't a "I Hate Amy Schumer" page - I don't even know who she is - but it seems like she's in the news, every single day so you get garbage like this because I'm lazy and click on the first links I see. Voila. The secrets of writing exposed. And this is only sort of about her anyway. And what is THE BIG AMY SCHUMER NEWS OF THE DAY?
She has a new boyfriend! ohmygodohmygoohmygodohmygodzmogfart
Amy Schumer has acquired a new boyfriend, a civilian man named Ben Hanisch. The two of them appear in a vacation photo together, which Hanisch put on Instagram and captioned with a cheesy little love note, so you know this is the real deal.If your idea of a hot guy is the scary panhandling paint huffer at the expressway exit ramp asking for change then yeah he's a pretty hot guy I guess. But it's Amy Schumer so she could be dating Charles Manson and internet retards would be crying and talking about what a wise decision she made. Welcome to 2016
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
'I haven’t watched it in a while, but maybe I’d still feel attracted to 15-year old Christian. I definitely wanted to have sex with him when he was emaciated in The Machinist. She added: 'I’ll take Christian any way I can get him.'Despite the fact that she's all over the internet every day I still don't know who she is or what magazines are, and you can't make me learn. And if what she says is true, than girls really do mature faster than boys because the Machinist was released in 1992 so that means she wanted to have sex with Christian Bale when she was 11. 11? When I was 11 I was still using Cootie Spray on chairs where girls were sitting and trying not to wet my pants. Don't worry I've solved the second problem. Mostly.
spooky? Because yes she sure does. Imagine this. The power goes out during a thunderstorm. You hear the floor creak in that room upstairs. You slowly climb up the steps to make sure everything is okay. Did something move in the corner? Maybe it was in the closet. Now you know why that lady at the antique store warned you against buying that cursed ventriloquist's dummy. You shine the flashlight along the floor into the sewing room where your now dead, abusive grandmother used to knit and as you slowly bring it up...
Monday, January 4, 2016
Geordie Shore (?) star (?) Charlotte Crosby (?) posted a "naked" selfie which quickly sent parts of the internet into a meltdown because they've apparently never seen the rest of the internet. No offense but I don't know what the big deal is, she pretty much looks like your standard 20 something woman. What seems more weird to me is that some people consider this "naked" and no one has brought up the fact that this is apparently a show about a woman with four legs. Where does she buy her pants?
Sunday, January 3, 2016
here . C'mon you know you want to. Don't worry I won't tell your mom and dad it'll be our little secret.
Sloth from the Goonies.