Saturday, January 30, 2016

Britney Spears Looks Life Like

The entertainment finally showed up at the "billboa KI Awards". It's Amazing Max and his Life Size Britney Spears Dummy. I didn't know ventriloquists still wore bow ties but hey I guess it's a tradition. It was in Hollywood so I don't want to even imagine where this act leads with that bunch of weirdos but it is Hollywood so if he puts on a good enough show who knows where it could take him.

!!UPDATE!!  Okay that guy's name isn't Amazing Max I don't know what it is but I'm pretty sure that's a latex Britney Spears dummy. 

Ryan Reynolds Has a New Job

Ryan Reynolds has a new movie coming out called "Deadpool" It's based on a comic book and naturally not having brain damage I probably won't see it. So it seems weird that he arrived at JFK in New York ready to start his new job, "Self Important Gay Starbucks Employee". I guess Hollywood wasn't paying the bills after all. Or maybe his pact with the Devil finally came due who can say. Soldier on brave rainbow warrior.

Amber Rose Has a New Job

I always wondered what Kanye West's ex did for a living. It turns out she was a Teletubby this whole time. Huh. Boy do I feel stupid.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Miley Cyrus is Pregnant

I'm kidding of course she's not pregnant but she wants to be...
The performer is so serious, in fact, that "she's talking to friends about stopping any form of birth control soon," says a source.
Someone should stop this. Miley Cyrus shouldn't be breeding. And I thought she was dating Liam or Chris Hemsworth or whichever one it was, but instead judging by the picture it looks like she's been dating a waiter from a second rate Italian restaurant. Maybe she just likes all the free spaghetti. 

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Courtney Love is Into Fitness

Courtney Love was out jogging with her boyfriend "director" Nicholas Jarecki and apparently suffered some kind of stroke right in the middle of all the action. No it wasn't the exercise it was probably all the drugs. I'm kidding she didn't have a stroke. Or did she? Yes she did. I mean no of course not.

Nick Jonas Needs Glasses

I couldn't find anything to write about yet but while I was looking around I noticed Nick Jonas always looks like he's trying to read a sign that's far away. Maybe somebody should ask this poor guy if he needs his eyes checked. Maybe that's why he did so poorly in school the poor kid couldn't see the chalk board. Glasses are kind of nerdy cool now Nick so don't sweat it my man. And while you're helping him you'll have to stop by my place and help me figure out what to tell them if somebody asks why I have 15 pictures of Nick Jonas on my desktop.

Monday, January 25, 2016

Site News

I'm a little under the weather so I don't feel much like writing any more today. I'll look around maybe I'll find some stuff for tomorrow. Sorry.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Amy Schumer and Seth Rogen Make History

So just when you thought things couldn't get any worse in 2016 - and remember it's still January - commercials have "teasers" now. You get that? This is a sneak preview of a television commercial for beer. Seth Rogen and Amy Schumer are in a new Bud Light commercial set to air some time soon but I don't know when officially, all it says is, "The Bud Light party. COMING SOON."  My guess would be the Super Bowl. That's soon isn't it? They're both shown getting dressed up like they're doing something important. The girdles are the best part. You know it's funny because they're kind of chubby. The anticipation is killing me I can't lie.  On the bright side this will give everyone time to make sure all their clothing is double stitched so none of it rips open while they're on the floor laughing.

!!BIG UPDATE!! If this commercial gets taken down I'm not replacing it so you better watch it while you can.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Zelda Wins Again

Zendaya is either a 19 or 15 year old Disney Channel actress that was surrounded by some kind of controversy over something having to do with global warming or maybe it had something to do with being gay but I have no idea and none of it interests me in the slightest. Well now she's the "new face" of Cover Girl so there you go. I assume it's for their eyebrow division but I'm a dude so I have no idea how make up works. Congratulations Jenga you deserve this.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Amy Schumer Joke Theft (?)

Oh look! Here's yet another Amy Schumer story. Amy Schumer Amy Schumer Amy Schumer Amy Schumer has been accused of stealing jokes. I wouldn't know I've never heard an Amy Schumer "joke". But she is this moments It Girl and just like being the fastest gun in town people are going to come after you and make you prove it eventually. I'll provide a link but I'm not including a bunch of crap here that's going to be rehashed over the next several months I'm sure, because frankly that's a lot of work and to be honest I lost interest in this before I even started writing this stupid little story. Besides being accused of stealing jokes - even if it isn't true - shouldn't hurt Amy Schumer at all.  Just look what it did for Carlos Mencia's career.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Kelly Bensimon Does Stuff

I've seen many stories over the last few years on a certain website from where I steal most of my pictures about a certain person named Kelly Bensimon. I've never really written about her before because no matter how many of those stories I read, I still can't figure out what it is she does besides go to the beach and look like a MILF porn waiting to happen. So far what I've learned is that she watches what she eats and exercises and she was also once married to a photographer, and that photographer was once married to Elle Macpherson. And that's pretty much it. If you were to ask me it seems the person we should be talking about here is that photographer. Apparently he's some kind of superhero that marries six foot tall models, gets tired of them and then moves on to the next one like a cool breeze. I'm a fast learner, please teach me your ways Master.

Stephanie Seymore was Arrested

Stephanie Seymour was arrested for being cool last Friday. Okay maybe not cool - she was drunk - but really it's kind of the same if you think about it.
...the model stopped her Land Rover at the end of an off-ramp from Interstate 95 and then put the vehicle in reverse, colliding with a Mercedes Benz. An arrest report obtained by PEOPLE claims Seymour's vehicle was on its side when they arrived at the scene The arrest report claims there was a "strong odor of an alcoholic beverage [e]mitting from" Seymour's mouth as she spoke. 
 After six or seven requests for her license, registration and insurance, she finally was amble to fumble through her purse as she handed over her Connecticut driver's license along with a credit card...
 She handed over her license and a credit card? Yeah that's pretty drunk and she had absolutely no business driving a car. Next time give me a call Stephanie. I have a car and a bottle of tequila and we won't worry about society's "rules".

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Some Kardashians Show Off Their "Abs"

I know I said I wouldn't write about them anymore but I already did so whatever, and this doesn't really count despite the fact that I'm writing about them hey my blog my rules. And now back to the story.  The picture on the left was titled "Whichever These Kardashians are Show Off Their Abs". The picture on the right is a picture of a woman with actual abs. Just in case you didn't know the difference.

Khloe Kardashian Sex Tape

To the collective yawns of every living creature on planet Earth, Khloe Kardashian admits to having made a sex tape with Lamar Odom. With nearly 40% of everything on the internet being porn, and most of the actresses being orders of magnitude hotter than her, it's bizarre to me that anyone would be the slightest bit interested. Unless it was made while he was lying brain damaged in his hospital bed suffering from complete organ failure then there's probably some freak out there that would be interested. Not me though, no sir.

Monday, January 18, 2016

Rowan Blanchard is Queer

 Rowan Blanchard is a 14 year old actress on the Disney Channel show "Girl Meets World" and she really hates labels man so don't label her unless of course you want to label her as queer.
"In my life-only ever liked boys however I personally don't wanna label myself as straight gay or whateva so I am not gonna give myself labels to stick with- just existing : ),"
I don't get it either. She only likes boys but wants to be known as queer? Can we be done with all of this yet? Please? I guess she's only 14 so she probably doesn't really know what she's saying, she's just stringing together words she might have heard somewhere once. And if we're going to be allowed to pick our own labels I'm a Jet Fighter Pilot Green Beret Fireman Superhero and I'd appreciate it if you were respectful I'm a little sensitive about it.

Hayden Penetirre Busts Out

Hayden Panettierre - I don't know how to spell her name and I'm not looking, I'm a very busy man - was also at The Critics Choice Awards and something about her looks different but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Jennifer Aniston was at The Critics Choice Awards

Jennifer Aniston was at The Critics Choice Awards last night which I didn't even know was happening. I'm going to start a new blog called "The Jennifer". It'll be sort of like when she started that whole Rachel haircut trend but sexier.  I have no idea who that is with her, probably an usher or something showing her to her seat. I hope Critics Choice Awards ushers aren't fashion trend setters because the last thing we need in the world right now are skinny ties.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Olivia Munn got Engaged?

No. No she didn't get engaged to Aaron Rogers. And all the celebrity gossip pages are sharing what they describe as the "hilarious" text she sent to her mom denying the report. I could barely write this through the tears of laughter so if this story seems worse than normal that's why. It caught me so off guard that I didn't have time to warm up my side muscles for the onslaught of laughter I was unaware was coming. I'm sure you know what she looks like so I really just used her picture to cover up the Instagram comments telling her how hilarious she is. We really have to stop encouraging this kind of thing and the sooner the better.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Sean Penn is my Hero

 The Daily Mail is running a story about how Sean Penn "led" Mexican police to drug lord Joaquin "EL Chapo" Guzman. Whether or not he did it intentionally, who knows.  They report that the Associated Press contacted Sean Penn to ask about the pictures of him arriving at the airport dressed like a super secret agent/tough guy and his answer?

"I've got nothin' to hide"

Oh no not at all brave warrior. Sean Penn most likely won't be killed for this, but Pablo Escobar once blew a fully loaded passenger jet out of the air because he thought maybe one person was a DEA agent, and the billionaire drug kingpin also   once had a waiter killed for stealing silverware from his kitchen. Still another once leveled an entire city block,  but hey I'm sure it's no problem. Not at all. Let's let bygones be bygones I'm sure he'll say.  My suggestion would be if you see Sean Penn stay away. And whatever you do, don't take any job offers from him that require you to start his car in the morning or accompany him to any fancy outdoor cafes. It doesn't hurt to be careful.

Monday, January 11, 2016

David Bowie Died

David Bowie died after a fight with cancer he was 69 years old. I liked a couple of songs but I wouldn't call myself a fan, I was indifferent at best. To me he was always the guy that sullen art students and emo-ish types that would wear a trench coat in July liked. Hell, I didn't even know he was sick. What I'd really like to see now is how the staff coordinates the lasers, smoke machines and nine coffin changes at his wake.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Salma Hayek Goes to the Beach

Salma Hayek posted a throwback picture of herself on Instagram and for that I thank her. I'm not sure how old the picture is but according to her it was before her baby was born. When was that. I didn't even know she'd had a baby, was it yesterday?  I doubt it was yesterday. But she always looks pretty much the same to me and to be honest she could have given birth to a faceless demon from the 8th Dimension for all I care. Just remember Salma, if you have that demon baby I'll be here for you, you can call me.

El Chapo is Caught

!!BREAKING NEWS!! Mexican drug kingpin El Chapo was captured! And judging by the picture it was during what I can only assume was his Blues Brothers tribute band's opening number

Charlotee McKinney is a Bettor

Charlotte McKinney was photographed standing in front of a wall at Encore Players Club Wynn. Again, I don't do unnecessary research so I just read the walls they're standing in front of but I assume the font they used means it's a place for betting on sports because the kind of guys that bet on sports need to be able to recognize that kind of thing. That's pretty much the story I don't know why she was there and I think it's perfect just the way it is all golden and tall and probably smells good and soft and round and well I could go on and on I'm sure.

Eddie Redmayne is Suave

I've never heard of Eddie Redmayne before this morning but he must be a good actor because he's up for a BAFTA award for some movie called The Dutch Girl which I'm going to assume isn't a porno.  But if I had to guess who he was from that picture I'd say he was the head villain in a 1963 episode of The Avengers. I bet he uses a cigarette holder and all of the phones in his house have extra long curly cords that are all tangled up. He does have a computer but it's as big as a refrigerator and it costs a fortune to run with all those punch cards he has to constantly buy. Get with the times Eddie. Women work outside the home now and no one tells jokes like that anymore.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Lea Michele Talks to Ghosts

Lea Michele has a new boyfriend and his name is Matthew Paetz, which, if I remember anything from my high school German classes, loosely translates to "Putz". Of course I'm probably wrong mainly because I never took German in high school and so I just assumed that's what it means and she is somehow convinced that her dead ex-boyfriend would adore him
“He is very respectful towards the person that I was with (Cory), and that, again, is something I love so much about him. I really know that Cory would love him too.”
 I'm not sure how she knows that. Maybe Ghost Cory is planning on trashing your apartment some night to show his displeasure you don't know. But frankly she sounds a little weird so who knows maybe during all this time that I haven't heard about her maybe her, maybe her and her future best friend Chrissy Teigen sat around a Ouija Board or took a special trip to Heaven and instead of hanging out with Mozart and Einstein and Benjamin Franklin the ran around with the Ghost of some guy whose name I already forgot. Way to go Ghost Hunters

Will Work for Food

This isn't a "I Hate Amy Schumer" page - I don't even know who she is - but it seems like she's in the news, every single day so you get garbage like this because I'm lazy and click on the first links I see. Voila. The secrets of writing exposed. And this is only sort of about her anyway. And what is THE BIG AMY SCHUMER NEWS OF THE DAY? 

She has a new boyfriend! ohmygodohmygoohmygodohmygodzmogfart
 Amy Schumer has acquired a new boyfriend, a civilian man named Ben Hanisch. The two of them appear in a vacation photo together, which Hanisch put on Instagram and captioned with a cheesy little love note, so you know this is the real deal.
If your idea of a hot guy is the scary panhandling paint huffer at the expressway exit ramp asking for change then yeah he's a pretty hot guy I guess. But it's Amy Schumer so she could be dating Charles Manson and internet retards would be crying and talking about what a wise decision she made. Welcome to 2016

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Amy Schumer Says Stuff

Amy Schumer admits to having a crush on Christian Bale in an interview with W Magazine.
'I haven’t watched it in a while, but maybe I’d still feel attracted to 15-year old Christian. I definitely wanted to have sex with him when he was emaciated in The Machinist. She added: 'I’ll take Christian any way I can get him.'
Despite the fact that she's all over the internet every day I still don't know who she is or what magazines are, and you can't make me learn. And if what she says is true, than girls really do mature faster than boys because the Machinist was released in 1992 so that means she wanted to have sex with Christian Bale when she was 11. 11? When I was 11 I was still using Cootie Spray on chairs where girls were sitting and trying not to wet my pants. Don't worry I've solved the second problem. Mostly.

Ruby Rose is Haunted

The website I stole this picture from said Ruby Rose "cuts an androgynous figure". Does androgynous mean spooky? Because yes she sure does. Imagine this. The power goes out during a thunderstorm. You hear the floor creak in that room upstairs. You slowly climb up the steps to make sure everything is okay. Did something move in the corner? Maybe it was in the closet. Now you know why that lady at the antique store warned you against buying that cursed ventriloquist's dummy. You shine the flashlight along the floor into the sewing room where your now dead, abusive grandmother used to knit and as you slowly bring it up...

Monday, January 4, 2016

Jaden Smith is Fancy

Will Smith's son Jaden Smith is the new face of Louis Vuitton. Why? I have no idea. Maybe idiotic D-list celebrities are really good at selling clothes and whatever else Louis Vuitton makes -- here's a belt for $515.00 -- to soulless, empty headed morons with way too much money to spend. Why you'd need a $500 belt for anything is beyond me but there it is. He's in their new ad campaign as evidenced in the header pic although I'm not 100% sure which person he is and I don't really care because what possible difference does it make.

Ed Harris Isn't Fancy

Ed Harris was at the airport the other day arriving from I'm not exactly sure where, but I can only assume it was from a trip to buy one of those giant leaf vacuums or maybe one of those brush cutters for his yard. He's just in time too because he has to get ready to leave next week for the bi-monthly model train show in Lake County.

Charlotte Crosby Naked Selfie

Geordie Shore (?) star (?) Charlotte Crosby (?) posted a "naked" selfie which quickly sent parts of the internet into a meltdown because they've apparently never seen the rest of the internet. No offense but I don't know what the big deal is, she pretty much looks like your standard 20 something woman. What seems more weird to me is that some people consider this "naked" and no one has brought up the fact that this is apparently a show about a woman with four legs. Where does she buy her pants?

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Site News

Sorry about my absence for a while there. I was trying out a new (to me) "platform" as all the kids say, but it turns out it wasn't a good fit for me. Or them. So I thought it was best to just come back to this and do my thing, my way.  You know, the whole "I'd rather sit alone on a pumpkin and have it all to myself than be crowded on a velvet cushion" thing. Anyway don't worry most of the stuff I wrote there sucked even more than usual so you didn't really miss anything. And anyway, the news garbage dump of the year that is December 15 through January 2nd -- it always has been and always will be -- finally might be over so I'll try to write as much as I can in 2016 for no other reason than I like doing it. If things slow down here it's because of a lack of time as much as anything and nobody is paying me for this so if you want you can once again follow me here . C'mon you know you want to. Don't worry I won't tell your mom and dad it'll be our little secret.


Miranda Lambert Dating Some Guy

Miranda Lambert has finally moved on from from Blake Shindig after divorcing him in July. Boy that must've been a long five months I wonder how she managed to survive being alone like that. But lucky for her she's "officially" dating a guy named Anderson East. I've never heard of him but It's pretty obvious he's a musician, just look at him rockin' out in the picture. By the way what makes it official? Did he buy her one of those necklaces that looks like it's broken and they each wear half? I can't be the only one that thinks their kid would probably look like Sloth from the Goonies.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Nick Jonas is Tough

Nick Jonas was also in New York City for the big New Year's "Rockin'" Eve only he showed off his new jacket and was flying the colors of his new gang The Lords of Flatbush. He sure looks tough doesn't he? Unfortunately he lost his switchblade comb and caused quite a scene. Celebrities are always so spoiled.

Carrie Underwood Rings in the New Year

Carrie Underwood stepped out of the roller disco just long enough to boogie down in New York City for New Years Eve. Afterward she partied the night away at Studio 54 with Grace Jones who was wearing one of those umbrellas you wear on your head like a hat and David Bowie who was dressed in a silver jumpsuit and a Zorro mask.