Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Jennifer Aniston is Timeless

Jennifer Aniston was at the "InStyle Awards Ceremony for Awareness or Whatever it was This Time" yesterday (?). What the ceremony was for wasn't really mentioned but they did say she was 49... Again. Listen, she could be an outer space alien that would insert one of those chest bursting embryos in me and I wouldn't care they don't have to lie about her age.

Dwayne Johnson is Swollen

Dwayne Johnson posted this picture, along with the Moby Dick of captions, on his Instagram. I guess he's getting "swole" for a new Fast & Furious movie. I really don't see why they don't just put the old movies in new wrappers. The dummies that watch that crap really won't know the difference. And even the few that did notice would wind up dead not long after once they realize it, after "drifting" off the edge of a cliff or into a tree or whatever it is they do in their tiny lawnmower cars. For some reason I think Dwayne looks like a gumball machine but I'm not the one he has to impress.

Sunday, October 21, 2018

Selma Blair has MS

I know I make fun of people a lot on here. Some of it justified, maybe some of it not. But Selma Blair says she has multiple sclerosis and that sucks. Like for real.
“I am disabled. I fall sometimes. I drop things. My memory is foggy. And my left side is asking for directions from a broken gps,” Blair revealed. “But we are doing it.”
According to the former Anger Management actress, she was first diagnosed with MS on August 16.
 I know, or I guess I should say I very distantly knew, a girl that has multiple sclerosis. We were having a conversation and she told me she was diagnosed as having it that week, and a month later she needed a cane just to walk. She stopped coming around so I'm not entirely sure what happened to her but I'm sure it wasn't good. What do you say, "good luck with having MS"? I don't know I'm never any good with stuff like this.

Friday, October 19, 2018

Nikki Lund is Somebody

This is Nikki Lund. The place I stole these pictures from said she was "Kim Kardashian's childhood friend". I'd like to know who calls photographers and other assorted members of the "media" while these nobodies are splashing around on a beach pretending to have fun. And not only do they call photographers etc., they show up! Well whatever I'll never hear about this nobody again and frankly that's fine with me. I have enough problems I don't need Kim Kardashian's trailings messing up my fragile psyche.

Thursday, October 18, 2018

Katherine McPhee Likes Jewelry

Katharine McPhee was at some jewelry boutique opening with her fiance David Foster (?) who's a whopping 34 years older than she is. He was already pretty much a middle-aged man when she was born. Not that it matters because it doesn't - and my record on age differences no matter who is older/younger between men and women is pretty clear - it's just weird to think about. So maybe it's true. Maybe my next wife HASN'T been born yet. And I thought Katherine McPhee was in Fleetwood Mac so I have no idea who she is. Who am I thinking of? I'll call you later for the answer.

Jamie Foxx Does Something

It's weird how Jamie Foxx can be fat and have abs all at the same time. Whatever. Creep.

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Chris Pine is Wooden

Chris Pine was at The London Film Festival in character to see the opening of his new film "Handsome Cookout Dad Mannequin from a 1970s Sears Catalog". I hope it's a smash hit. Brown shoes? The story I didn't link says he's 38 years old and I'm like, yeah okay and me and the Loch Ness Monster hang out once in a while.

My No One Cares Life

That standard asshat in the picture is some guy named Randy Statum and he was the "star" of some show called "My 600 Pound Life" which is a show about people that weigh five times more than a baby hippopotamus. Anyway, the link I followed said I should check out his "incredible weight loss transformation" since he's now down to a svelte 350 pounds. Only three and a half times as much as a baby hippopotamus. Good going guy on a show that no one watches, as evidenced by the fact that the Instagram post this picture came from had one like. This is apparently a publicly broadcasted weekly television show and it got one like. That weird dude that posts ancient pictures of boners from the Renaissance and sex memes gets more likes than that.  So congratulations TLC you're almost literally flushing money down the toilet.

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Demi Moore Goes to a Wedding

Someone named Princess Eugenie or Eugenia got married in England last Thursday or maybe Friday. Saturday? I'm not exactly sure. I did read a couple of headlines about it, and quickly scrolled through the pictures but that's pretty much where it ended, because I'd never heard of Princess Eugene so I cared even less then I did when Meghan Marckle married Prince Phillip (?). And I didn't think caring less was possible. What can I say I'm a goal setter and a go getter.

Well, evidently this Princess Ed wedding was quite the star studded affair with major celebrities from the 1990s attending. Celebrities like Demi Moore. It wasn't made clear if the person she was with was her date, or her dad but I'm going with date. Only because that seems to be the logical choice. All I saw was his name was Eric Buterbaugh which of course I immediately read as Butterball. Demi Moore is 55 years old and still pretty attractive. At least to me. So I feel sort of bad that the dating pool of men for "women of a certain age", as they say,  tend to be all guys that look like that. And I'm not joking, every single one of them look like him. Maybe he's very nice, and probably has billions of dollars which is most likely the case because I'm sitting right here and she didn't call me to go with her to this shindig. And while I'm no Rock Hudson I ain't exactly the Elephant Man either. It's fine Demi next time don't bother. Me and Jennifer Aniston have better things to do anyway.

Todd Harrell gets a Shiny New Dime

Former 3 Doors Down founder and bassist Tod Harrell was handed a 10 year prison sentence. I thought it was because of the headbands and the music but no it was a gun charge.

Note: I'm posting this even though no one cares because I wrote it.

Monday, October 15, 2018

Meghan and Harry Have a Baby

Megan Markle and Henry Prince are having a baby. I'm not sure why everyone talks about this so much since no one outside of England cares. No one normal anyway.

Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson Take a Train to Splitsville

    Hahaha this is the funniest thing I've seen all day. Not even two weeks ago people were talking about them like they were the new Princess Di and Prince Wayne or whatever the fuck that guy's name is. It's no wonder they split, that Pete guy looks like he doesn't even know what day of the week it is. And I can practically guarantee Ariana Grande doesn't even know the days of the week. Too bad they made a nice couple. They went together like two peas in a very stupid pod. Better luck next time you crazy, brain damaged kids.

Rachel McCord Looks Okay

I really buckled down and wrote a whole bunch of garbage that's all lined up and ready to go. I may space it out a little since none of it is particularly "time sensitive" or I may post all of it in one giant wad. Who can say? I'm unpredictable. In the meantime, to help me decide, I posted this picture of Rachel McCord I found somewhere yesterday to help me decide. I'm not sure if she walks around like that all the time but you know what? It's absolutely fine with me, last time I checked this was still a free country.

Friday, October 12, 2018

Sarah Fowlkes Needs a Job

The woman in the header photo is 28 year old Sarah Fowlkes. She was a teacher. A married teacher. I bet you already know where this is going.

According to the police department, officers received a report March 10 from a school administrator at Lockhart High School about a possible inappropriate relationship between a student and a teacher. The investigation led a Lockhart detective to a 17-year-old male student, who had been in contact in person and by message with Fowlkes. Their contact was of a sexual nature, police said.

I think it's high time we stopped persecuting these heroes. From roughly 1979 through most of the 1980s there were I don't even know how many movies with this story line. So many I'm not even going to link them all. Legitimate Hollywood features with people like Jacqueline Bisset, and they had titles like "Screwballs", "The Big Bet", and "My Tutor" Plus the guy was 17 not 13. One of the biggest musical hits from one of the biggest rock bands to ever exist on Earth in the 1980s more or less dealt with this very subject. Van Halen's Hot for Teacher.

I was 17 once and believe you me, I would have kept my big fat mouth shut. But shit like this never happens to me. I know what people are going to say, "Yeah but what if she was a man and the teenager was a girl?" What if? What if it rains gold? What if you're driving down the street and a hippopotamus attacks your car? The fact is, the roles weren't reversed and she wasn't a man so your point is totally moot and there's no reason to debate this. Plus she looks like an even more attractive version of Kristen Bell. The one thing I don't understand is what a 28 year old Kristen Bell look alike is doing sleeping with a 17 year old boy when I'm just a phone call away. Soldier on hot female teachers that bang their male teen students. You have my unwavering support.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

To Kill a Play

 Shorewood High School in Wisconsin cancelled their student play "To Kill a Mockingbird"

Just hours before the curtain was to go up, Shorewood High School has canceled its production of "To Kill a Mockingbird" in response to a planned protest over its use of the n-word.
News of a planned protest had circulated on social media early Thursday. And by early afternoon, Superintendent Bryan Davis pulled the plug

Maybe instead of protesting these things, Lefty idiots can just cut to the chase and skip right to burning books they don't like that contain "offensive ideas and words". You know, just like back in the good old days like they used to do.

Rita Ora is Famous

Rita Ora can post all of the nude selfies she wants, they'll never make me want to learn who she is or what she does. All I know is she's in all of the British celebrity rags constantly, but that's just about the only place I ever hear about her, so I guess she's famous in the UK. Big deal. Being famous in the UK is like being the toughest nerd in the computer lab. No one cares.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Cardi B is Comfortable

Cardi B was also at The American Music Awards but unlike Taylor Swift, Cardi B was dressed like a couch from the 1980s. Maybe it's good for hiding a weapon in case Nicki Minaj and her "crew"  "jumps" her at an after party. You can't be to careful these days.

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Taylor Swift is Shiny

Taylor Swift was at the American Music Awards last night looking pretty much like every futuristic sexbot I've ever fantasized about. This is pretty much all I have to say. Welcome to my brain. I don't even know if they hand out trophies for music anymore.

Monday, October 8, 2018

Mike Sorrentino Goes to Prison

Guido moron Mike "The situation" Sorrentino form the show Jersey Shore received an eight month prison sentence for tax evasion and all I have to say about that is good. They should put them all in a cell and weld the door closed. If we locked more of these idiots away, the world would be a much better place.

Blac Chyna is Spaced Out

Blac Chyna - who is apparently still famous for some reason - took a break from being the Elfen Princess of Rigel 7 in the next Star Trek movie to attend the BET Awards which I didn't know were happening. I hope that one guy won. I also hope no one got stabbed, but if they did I hope they get an award for it or whatever happens at these award shows I really don't even know anymore.

Thursday, October 4, 2018

Hana Giraldo is a Heartbreaker

I know I haven't written anything in like two days or maybe a month but whatever. I'll make it up to you with a story.  I  remember having such a crush on Pat Benatar when I was a kid that it actually physically hurt. I had to be in jr high or maybe grade school I guess, I don't know. We're all older now and Pat's got a few gray hairs and maybe some wrinkles, but I'm willing to look past all of that directly at her daughter Hana Giraldo. She says she's 24 but she's 24 like I'm Sammy Davis Jr. Frankly she could say she grows heroin on Jupiter for all I care and I'll believe her. So I figured I'd come roaring back starting with this and if I don't at least it's not Alec Baldwin or some other bloated walrus at the top of this page