Friday, June 30, 2017

Olivia Munn Does Exciting Things

Here's Olivia Munn on vacation in Turks and Caicos. Why? Beats me. I don't even remember what movies she's in. I think one of them is about superheroes but I don't know because I'm not a nerd. Have fun average looking girl in a swimsuit.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Matt the Rife

Here's Matt Rife. The 21 year old that Kate Beckinsale is supposedly dating. Good looking? Yes. An actor? Yes. Nice abs? Yes. Gay as Hell? Oh Hell yes. It's entirely possible that the suggestion was made to Kate by Hollywood power brokers that maybe being seen kissing this guy once in a while would convince movie goers that he was an All-American-Joe that they could identify with. All of this of course is just a theory. And just because my gaydar is going off like a car alarm on the street at 3 in the morning doesn't mean anything. And none of it is because I'm jealo- OH GOD KATE COME BACK TO ME

George Clooney is Moving

 George Clooney decided to move his family back to Los Angeles where he feels safe.
 “He doesn’t feel like Amal and the twins are safe living in the English countryside,” an insider says. “He’s determined to move his family to LA, where he feels much more secure.”
Who knows maybe he's worried someone in England will steal the script to the newest coffee commercial or maybe his next crappy movie. I don't know, I'm not going to write about this guy any more. I actually think he's pretty cool. He's totally likeable and I bet he could totally take a joke but his movies are terrible and he otherwise seems really boring. At least to me. He walks around looking handsome in a tuxedo at awards ceremonies and...what else? Nothing that's what. I won't be at the poker game this week George. Sorry you had to find out this way.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Elizabeth Hurley Relaxes

Elizabeth Hurley posted this picture on her Instagram and my heart skipped a beat because at first I thought she was wearing only a top and that is sexy as hell. I think girls look better when they aren't all done up like circus clowns but whatever that's just me and I'm not Mr. Fashion. And anyway, she's also wearing shorts so this story went absolutely nowhere fast, thanks for ruining everything Liz.

Kate Hudson Snatched the Red Carpet

I was reading a story about Kate Hudson and I thought I'd fawn all over her but I found out she's dating some clown named Danny Fujikawa, seen here dressed in the standard "Asshole in his Late 30's" uniform so she can forget it now. 

Quentin Tarantino is an Old Lesbian

The story I'm not linking said Quentin Tarantino was photographed after lunch but I think it was probably more likely he was shopping for a new Georgia O'Keeffe painting, or maybe a rainbow sticker for his car. Or he could be the new Tall Man in the latest installment of the Phantasm franchise. Either way I get a lot of grief from my friends for thinking most Quentin Tarantino movies suck because they do. Okay that's not true I don't have any friends but Quentin Tarantino movies suck the huge one and once people get sucked into the hive mind they all talk about how great his movies are so they can gain some of Quentin Tarantino's non-existent "coolness". Because unlike Fonzie, he ain't cool.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Kate Beckinsale has Poor Judgement

I had this picture on my desktop of Kate Beckinsale wearing stretch pants but I don't remember why. It could be because she was wearing stretch pants and that's a good enough reason for me. Not because she was seen kissing some 21 year old dumbshit named Matt the Knife or whatever his name is. C'mon Kate, 21? I know I usually don't care about age differences, and it's true I don't, but 21 year old "men" are basically retarded. 41 year old men are bad enough but a 21 year old was in high school like three years ago. Have you ever talked to a high school kid? They're like trauma patients that fell and hit their head on the edge of a bath tub. You're not instilling me with a lot of confidence in your judgement, it's like I don't even know you "Kate". If that is your real name.

Alexander Skarsgard is Red

Alexander Skarsgard got sunburned and to that I say good. You big show off. Pull up your pants no one wants to see that. Okay, no one normal. Pervert.

Ferige is Tiny

Is Fergie a midget? Do people still wear clothes that say FILA on them? What's with the hat? Why do people insist on wearing those ugly sandals? Do their feet get hot? So many questions.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Saturday Sienna Miller Stands in a Garden Post

Sienna Miller went to another charity thing, this time dressed like James Bond in You Only Live Twice. It's okay as far as James Bond movies go I guess, it's not my favorite. Have you ever seen it? I mean c'mon, they disguise him as a Japanese guy? Please. And that wig. Jesus. I bet you didn't know Sean Connery has always worn a toupee. Since at least Dr. No, the first James Bond. Anyway where was I. Oh yes Sienna Miller. Well there she is. I'll be writing about her more and more frequently since I love her now. I LOVE YOU SIENNA.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Emily Ratajkowski is on a Boat

Emily Ratajkowski shared this picture of her butt on Instagram. She was in Tuscany or somewhere I have no idea. I've been avoiding writing about her because I thought she won that show Donald Trump used to do called The Apprentice and then I thought she was a model and then maybe an actress but I had no idea and I got so confused that I just avoided her all together. Have fun looking at her butt.

Scarlett Johansson is Lifelike

I don't know what happened to Scarlett Johansson or why she looks like Max Headroom now.

Banksy Revealed!

According to some people, some DJ named Goldie seems to have identified "street artist" Banksy as a person named Robert Del Naja, a member of the band Massive Attack. I say they should have talked about this in 2007 when anyone gave a shit.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Hi Grandma?

There's a show called Hollywood Medium where C- List celebrities appear and ask this guy to contact their dead relatives from beyond the grave. Remember that next time any celebrity offers advice on politics, taxes, government, car repair, tying your shoes, brushing your teeth or virtually anything else.

Tommy Lee Likes Banzai S

Noted woman beater and former Motley Crue drummer 54 year old Tommy Lee was seen kissing his 30 year old girlfriend Brittany (of course) Something outside of a sushi restaurant. Sorry I saw her last name but I already forgot it. As I've said before the difference in their ages is absolutely meaningless to me, as anyone 30 years old or over is pretty much the same to me as anyone else. I make no distinction between a 30 year old or 50 year old. I could be wrong but it's my blog and you can't say shit to me. If I was her I'd be more worried about getting my face punched in then whether or not my boyfriend is older than she is. I haven't even brought up her ridiculous shirt yet. Whatever it's your life if you want to walk around in a Budweiser shirt that's totally up to you.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Mariska Hargitay Does Things

Mariska Hargitay was at the Elly Awards yesterday to recieve an award for her Joyful Heart Foundation something something blah blah.  Did you know her mom was Jayne Mansfield? Well, she was. If you need more Jayne Mansfield facts click the Wikipedia link. I guess I'm out of Mariska Hargitay facts.

Johnny Depp is Loony Tunes

Halloween came a little early for Johnny Depp when was in the Haneda Airport yesterday, dressed up like his favorite late 80's poser rock star. I'm not sure which one as they were all mostly interchangeable and pretty much the same. Could it be Hanoi Rocks? Or maybe L.A. Guns? Either way they all sucked. You should know I have that same Johnny Cash shirt. It was 82 degrees with 90% humidity in Haneda Japan on Monday so I'm not exactly sure why he's wearing a leather jacket or why these people insist on dressing like that in the middle of summer. I started to tell this story because it was about how he would sell everything except his private plane but I don't care about this anymore.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Marisa Tomei is Supernatural

Marisa Tomei is in the new Spiderman movie. Which one, I have no idea, it seems like there are three or four of them every year. But who cares I mean look at her. Don't tell me there are no good roles for women "of a certain age" because she's 52. I saw that picture and I was actually surprised. I looked for others just to verify it was a real current picture of her. Okay I'm lying I looked for pictures of her dressed up like Mona Lisa Vito in My Cousin Vinny. I know it's not much of a hobby but it's all I have right now so get off my back.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Courtney Stodden Naked

Here's Courtney Stodden naked from her Instagram. I was looking for something easy to write about and naked women appeal to me so here you go. In case you don't know who she is, she's a 22 year old that looks 44 years old who at 17 years old married a 53 year old guy. I don't remember the circumstances but it was all part of some grand plan for her to become famous. That's it. That's what she does. She posts nude photos of herself. I guess you can't find attractive naked women anywhere on the internet so I suppose she fills a niche. Keep up the good work Corrine.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Justin Bieber is Shirtless and Strong

Justin Bieber posted a picture to Instagram showing what he does on the average Friday night. He wrestles shirtless with his male friends in his living room. Hey man it's 2017 I get it. That's cool with me if that's your thing.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Jordan Barrett is Bad

Jordan Barrett is apparently known as "the bad boy" of male models. I have zero idea what would qualify as a "bad boy" in the world of male models but he is one. I found out that's him on the right, and not a blonde Mexican monkey faced boy that got loose and ran wild in Manhattan. I think he and his friend were on their way to try on necklaces and maybe some bracelets but there was no way in Hell I was reading that much of the story.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Elle Macpherson is at Macy's

This article discussed Elle Macpherson's disastrous love life and string of failed marriages. She's 53 by the way, not 33. It's possible she just hasn't met the right man. It's all real estate moguls, and casino owners, and billioaires with yachts. Why not try a walk on the wild side Elle? How about a sexy, soon to be unemployed blogger? You know what they say, once you go blogger you never go back.

!!!UPDATE!!! Yes I saw the typo too but I thought I'd write this whole sentence telling you to eat shit than taking the easier option of simply fixing it.

Diplo Something Somebody

  Katy Perry said Dildo was the third best lover she ever had. Oh haha. Look at that, I called him Dildo instead of Diplo.
 Katy Perry said during a Witness World Wide livestream interview on Sunday that music producer Diplo was her third most impressive lover with John Mayer coming in number one and Orlando Bloom landing in second place.
 The 32-year-old Slave To The Rhythm singer and the 38-year-old Cold Water songwriter dated briefly in 2014.
I'm not sure who sang what. I think Katy Perry sang the first one, I could be wrong I just guessed because I wanted to sound like I was "in the know". Maybe if you have a mentally deficient teenager you could ask them. Or maybe Google. Try "shitty music".

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Saturday Kady McDermott Bikini Post

Kady McDermott and her giant pre-teen forehead were on the beach in Ibiza frolicking in the water as much as she could without getting her hair, make up, and bikini wet. She's on some UK reality show called Love Island but I have no idea what that is. The UK only shows so many things on their TV stations. Shaun of the Dead, reality shows, soccer, and documentaries about global warming, so you can see why some nobody in a bikini would be huge news to them.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Nina Agdal Does Things

Nina Agdal posted this "selfie" to her Instagram. I wonder who took the picture? Maybe she has one of those newfangled sticks all the cool kids use. But I didn't write this to solve that mystery, I really wrote this to say I used to own a tanning salon. A horrible business frequented by mostly horrible people. Its a long story how I came to own a tanning salon, so if you want to hear it sometime send me a message by carrier pigeon. Anyway Nina Agdal came in there one day to get a spray tan. I didn't recognize her but a girl that worked for me did. There were two reasons I didn't recognize her. First I don't know the names of models, I couldn't care less, and I couldn't pick most of them out of a line up. And two, she looks nothing like that in person. She looked remarkably average. Even slightly below average. Like any teen-aged girl you'd see in a mall. In fact I saw much more attractive girls come in on a daily basis. There was no aura, no heavenly angels singing, just another girl,somewhere in the Chicago suburbs. She seemed very nice. That was a great story wasn't it?

David Beckham is Hot

This story said David Beckham was sweaty. Maybe because he's wearing a winter hat in June? Do I have to think of everything?

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Cher Hits Broadway

A Broadway musical about Cher's life is set to debut in 2018. Slash is set to take the lead role.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Halle Berry is a Dancing Queen

A friend sent me this picture of Halle Berry arriving at the 16th Annual Chrysalis Butterfly Ball dressed like she's headed to Studio 54. She's pregnant? She's 50. I honestly didn't think a 50 year old could get pregnant was what I said when I got the phone call. Whatever you say Halle I was out of town that week.

Bethany Frankel is on the Floor

Bethany Frankel, who became famous for something but I don't remember what, posted this picture of her doing yoga to her Instagram. You can always tell the true D-Listers by how many pictures they post of themselves doing yoga in bikinis, and stretchy clothes. It's mostly her and Halalier Baldwin or whatever Alec Baldwin's wife's name is. Honoria? I don't have a clue. Anyway, I have no idea what the point of this is. Hurray you can pretend to exercise. Because yoga isn't exercise. If you think these women stay so thin by laying on the floor stretching their arms, and legs, you. are.  dreaming. That's not how exercise works. You think they hand out abs like mine to just anybody? I can promise you they don't.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

A Sunday Post?

20 year old actress (?) Brielle Biermann joked on Twitter that her mom Kim Zolciak "looked 40" as Kim prepared to celebrate her 39th birthday. I'd say Brielle was wrong but I don't know which one is which since they both look 40 to me.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Trista Sutter is in the Hospital

Trista Sutter was the original Bachelorette(?) and it seems she had a seizure while on vacation in Croatia. Doctors aren't sure why but apparently they haven't considered the possibility that she woke up and realized she was in Croatia. Can you imagine waking up in a Croatian hospital? Jesus Christ I bet it looks like a set from Quincy in there. There slogan is probably something like: "Welcome to Croatian Medical where it's still 1978!" You can tell the whole thing was pretty serious since the first thing she did once she came out of her Croatia Coma was post a selfie to her Instagram. Of course there were the usual people writing "get well soon!" and "You still look beautiful!" Okay I wrote that last one. But I covered up those losers with a picture of yet another person I don't know that has me blocked on Twitter. Pfft her loss. Look at all this hilarity that she's missing. Jerk.

Friday, June 2, 2017

Megyn Kelly is After my Heart

I saw a story about Megyn Kelly but I didn't read it, I really just wrote this to say I have this fantasy about an Ice Princess and oh man Megyn Kelly fits the bill. Doesn't she look like a super hot evil Ice Queen? Or is it just me. And she's a lawyer or a brain surgeon or something like that and smart women are hotter than a pistol as my grandfather and now I would say. Anyway that's all, I just figured I'd let you guys know that. Call me Megyn.

More Fashion Tips

Blake Anderson is a "comedian" on a "comedy" series on "Comedy" Central called Workaholics. Are they sure he isn't that guy that smashes stuff with a hammer? Maybe he is, maybe he isn't, I watch "Comedy" Central about as often as I do 175 miles per hour in my Lamborghini which is to say never because I don't even own a Lamborghini but that's okay there's very little comedy on Comedy Central anyway.  Back to the story. His cute wife filed for divorce and I didn't read far enough to find out why but if I did I imagine it has something to do with his hair. You made a wise choice lady who made the baffling choice to wear those black heels with that white dress.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Another One for the Ladies

This is Danny Jones and he's a fitness trainer or maybe a model or perhaps he's a nuclear physicist who can say,  but he's been nicknamed The Tree Man by people on the internet because he's 6'7" tall and 99% of the people that use the internet are uncreative morons (oh not you guys though).  So if you like 'em tall here's your man. No I didn't put that smiley face over his wiener, wherever I stole this picture from did. Or maybe he put it there for his Instagram and they stole it from him look man, I'm no Sherlock Holmes okay? You know what? I'd like to stop talking about this guys wiener, alright?

Teen Mom Does Stuff

This story breathlessly asks if Amber Portwood of Teen Mom "fame" and her gorilla faced boyfriend Matt Baier have broken up. But nobody seems to know for sure. TMZ has a squad parked outside of their hovel waiting for news and believe you me, the second I get an an update about this story I'll ask, "What are you talking about? Who did what?" Later on in the day Matt rushed the reporters at the property line but don't worry that's called a mock charge. They don't really want to hurt you and they'd rather not fight and risk injury.