Friday, July 29, 2016

Caitlyn Bruce Jenner Dresses Up.

Caitlyn Jenner went to dinner immediately following his meeting with The Council of the Elders on Krypton. I wonder what they decided to do about General Zod.

Is Lindsay Lohan Pregnant?

Lindsay Lohan might be pregnant. Or maybe she isn't. Who knows, drug addicts are liars.  Her father said she texted him saying, "I'm pregnant" but maybe he's lying too. Remember what I said about drug addicts a few seconds ago? Well, I don't know if her father is a drug addict but he sure looks like every drug addict I've ever known and I'm a great judge of people, I do it all day long so I have lots of practice. The headline where I swiped the picture from asked, why if she is in fact pregnant, is she smoking and I think I have the answer to that. She's a moron that's why. I figured that out because I'm like a detective. I've also been alive and concious since before 2005.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Johhny Depp Sucks

Johnny Depp dressed up in his best rock star costume and played at some state fair in Pas Robles, California on Monday night. You know, the one night everyone goes to see all the great bands.  I don't get it,  I am at a loss to explain this. I'm going to admit flat out that I've never heard the Hollywood Vampires but I can promise you one thing. They suck. Clue number 1: Look how he's dressed. NO ONE living outside of a time warp dresses like that to play a concert anymore. Except Motley Crue or maybe a Marylin Manson tribute band. And this...     Those are lyrics from "Manic Depression" by Jimi Hendrix. Yes, yes I know all about Jimi Hendrix's place in music history but the man has been dead for nearly 50 years, maybe it's time to move forward a little bit don't you think? I don't know how to end this I'm tired of talking about this ridiculous band.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Site News

I'm feeling a little under the weather today. Maybe it's all the heat. Maybe I'm just tired. Whatever the reason I won't have much - or anything - really new today beyond the Miss Cleo thing. Which I was surprised to hear about. Not because she died but because for some reason people really seemed to care. Wasn't she some infomercial psychic from the 90's? I mean, it's terrible she died but c'mon. And you know it's bad when you can't find the energy even to make fun of Johnny Depp's asinine clothes, or his even shittier band. Maybe as the day goes on I'll feel better and tomorrow I'll wow everyone with more Pulitzer Prize winning content. Anyway, see you tomorrow.

Miss Cleo Died

World famous psychic Miss Cleo died yesterday. Do you think she knew the date she would die? HAHAHAHAHA. You see? It's cutting edge stuff like that that keeps them coming back. You could learn a thing or two, you so called "professional" comedians

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Jennifer Aniston is at the Airport

Jennifer Aniston arrived at the airport in L.A. on Monday wearing a scarf in July and sunglasses at night. Maybe she was at the airport dressed like that because she and fellow fighter ace Snoopy just landed their WWI planes there.

Rachel McAdams is a Living Pin Up

Rachel McAdams was at ComicCon on Friday which strangely I've heard very little about. I usually have to wade through hundreds of comments all over the internet by slobbering losers talking about how excited they are to be going to this giant, annual loserfest but I guess not this year for some reason, thank Christ. She was there to answer questions about her new movie "Doctor Strange". Questions like, "Is this a movie?" and "No one's ever heard of this have they?" and also "Can I bring my mom?"  She decided to show up in a really short skirt and high heels to show these miserable shut-ins what a real woman looks like and I think she did a pretty damn good job. Man she's got some serious gams doesn't she? If this was the 1940's I'd paint her on the side of my plane as I shot dirty rotten Huns out of the sky like the hrero that I am, as I still like to use words, and phrases like "gams" and "quit beatin' your gums Killroy" from the 1940's. Oh yes, by the way, she was there with her co-star Benedict Cumberbatch as he stood around looking like one of the aliens from the end of Close Encounters of the Third Kind like he always does so he was a big hit too.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Jaden Smith is a Meddling Kid

Will smith's son Jaden Smith was out on the streets of wherever he was with his teenage posse, possibly solving mysteries like a modern day Baby Sitters Club or maybe Scooby Doo. I wonder if they had to spend the night in a haunted roller rink, or maybe the old amusement park where old man Jenkins disappeared into the swamp that was next door. And the original caption on this picture said he was showing off his washboard abs because the caption writer apparently forgot that Jaden Smith is 12 years old so his body hasn't had enough time to store any fat to cover those up.

Brie Larson is Captain Marvel. Whoever That Is.

OMG! Brie Larson is the new Captain Marvel! I thought Captain Marvel was a dude. Or is that Captain America. I really have no idea I've never heard of Brie Larson or Captain Marvel. You'd think if you had superpowers you'd pick a higher rank like colonel, or at least major. Major Marvel. Doesn't that sound better? No I don't think so either but then the last thing the world needs is yet another comic book movie. Don't you nerds ever get tired of this crap? Seriously the movies are all exactly the same. Misfits that don't fit in become popular, right the wrongs, and win the girl at the end. Or in this case the guy. Unless she's gay, I mean nowadays that's more likely and I might actually go see that movie. You should see all of those types of movies I have bookmarked.  Not everyone is a misfit you know. Take me for instance. I'm a winner. And the only Brie I ever heard of before this big announcement was Bree Olson plus she's very cute, and I can see her naked at the drop of a hat so if you ask me she's the real superhero in this story.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Christie Brinkley is a Miracle on Long Legs

Christie Brinkley posed for more pictures which is what she's basically done her entire life. I really just posted this to point out once again that she's 62 years old. Four years younger than my mother. And I'd appreciate it if you'd leave my mother out of this I have enough problems already.

Tinashe Sits on a Log

Some people have accused me of ugly things because I never write about women "of color". Okay that's not true no one reads this thing. Anyway that all changes today! Here's Tinashe! She's from California, 23 years old, 5' 5" tall and her father is from Zimbabwe and her mother is of Danish descent and she has a small tattoo of a butterfly on her shoulder. I don't really know much about her though. Yet

Adriana Lima is Standing by a Mirror

Adriana Lima's secret to her youthful appearance as she creeps slowly but surely toward 40 is now obvious. She's the sexy, eternally young, head vampire from a 70's blaxploitation movie. I bet she's lured many a young brother to their doom with promises of marijuana, heroin, and endless soul food. If you stop her, maybe you can stop all the senseless killing that's going on in your neighborhood. I bet the mafia and politicians are somehow to blame too, allowing her to continue her reign of terror

Fitness is Everywhere

Here's another Kardashian fitness report! It was reported Rob Kardashian was out showing off his "leaner physique" and um...I guess that's him...The guy with the boobs in the sweat pants? I guess maybe I've been wrong this whole time. Watching what I eat and running and going to the gym, I guess fitness means eating rib tips, and slamming 40 ounce beers in hot pink cars. Maybe I'll try that instead, that does sound like an easier way to stay fit. You're my hero Rob!

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Khloe Kardashian Works Out

I can't help but write about the Kardashians. The celebrity news rags are always chock full of amazing Kardashian stories. Like how amazing Khloe Kardashian looked after a vigorous work out. She was probably out clubbing mastodons or gathering berries and nuts or whatever she does to exercise.  She's on the left. Fitness model Paige Hathaway is the one on the right. I just wanted to be clear about who was who because Khloe's - as they put it - "fierce physique" might have made it difficult to tell them apart.

Mila Kunis is Having a Baby

Remember Mila Kunis? Yeah neither do I. She's married to Ashton Kutcher now and having his babies. Why? Who knows. She made the talk show rounds to talk about being pregnant since that's what she does now.  I guess. I have no idea what people talk about on talk shows. I love the way she always looks so dead behind the eyes. I guess inner death is all part of the miracle of childbirth. Or maybe she fell and hit her head. Maybe Ashton Kutcher has planted some sort of demon seed in her and it's controlling her mind.  Go on "Jiminy Cricket's show next" it says. Hey maybe that's why she's dressed like Minnie Mouse. Celebrities are always so weird.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Jennifer Beals is From Chicago?

Jennifer Beals is on the cover of something called Michigan Avenue magazine that I saw while I was sitting in a 100 degree waiting room and she looks really good doesn't she? Or am I having heat stroke? What was she, like 14 years old when she made Flash Dance? Didn't that movie cone out in the mid-80's? Are they sure that's Jennifer Beals? What's with all the questions? I'm not the one on trial here

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Katie Holmes Likes Metallica

Katie Holmes ran some errands in her Metallica t-shirt and pants so tight they made her ass disappear. Or maybe her ass escaped when it found out about her shitty taste in music. Run little one, run fast and far.

The Summer Doldrums Continue

The circus is in town. And by that I mean the Republican National Convention so there's little else to write about and I'm not writing about that. People are freaking out because Melora Trump or whatever her name is apparently plagiarized parts of her speech from Michelle Obama blissfully unaware that most political speeches are most likely written by the same people for everyone. I know she swears she wrote it all by herself but then I swear I put on a costume at night and fight crime by the light of the moon. Who are you going to believe? I did see that picture of Robin Thicke's new girlfriend 21 year old April Love Geary but...meh. She's alright I guess. She's also 21. I have a 21 year old t-shirt.

Monday, July 18, 2016

Chantel Whatever Her Name is Goes Swimming

This is apparently Justin Bieber's ex-girlfriend Chantel Jeffries. I'm sure she's probably a very nice person. Aside from being named "Chantel" which is almost certainly a fake name. And wearing aviator sunglasses . IN the water. I'll bet you my last $50 she gets dressed up like she's going to a night club when she runs to the store for milk and tequila or whatever it is these idiots drink now. I didn't even need to read the story to know that she's in Miami. The Dumbshit capitol of the world. I bet she remembers where she was when she got the news that Dipney Jay and Jetset Durelo broke up. That was a dark time for everyone on the shores of Miami Beach.

Lana Del Rey Has Magical Powers

Lana Del Rey gave up her career doing whatever it is she does to become a forest pixie that has knowledge of the Four Great Spells.  To break the spell you must find her and her pot of gold and she'll marry you and you'll complete number three of the seven tasks to save your village or whatever the hell forest pixies do.  I don't know anything about forest pixies. You know what? You try writing this crap day in and day out.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Britney Spears Wanders the Desert

Britney Spears has a new single or album or whatever it is she does and I just thought I'd let you know. Oh I'll never listen to it but she used the header picture for publicity and I had to post it. It's all right there in the pre-nup I have with her so I have to. Don't worry B, I'll be sure and send you  certified copies of all the documents you need to sign before our big day.

Mick Jagger is an Active Senior

I thought you'd like to know that 72 year old Mick Jagger's 29 year old girlfriend Melanie Hamrick is pregnant. And no I don't want to even think about how that happened. Let's just move along shall we?

Ben Afflek Has Beautiful Eyes

I guess guyliner -- eye liner that "guys" wear -- is really a thing. Take Ben Afflek for instance. He puts it on when he wears that jacket and styles his hair just right before every big dance off between The Sharks and The Jets.

Natalie Portman Has Style

Natalie Portman is on the cover of The New York Times style magazine (?) and she's 35 now and in that sweet spot where she looks really good instead of like 10 years from now when she'll probably be able to star in the remake of "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" without the need for make up.

Hilary Duff is Into Fitness

I was going to playfully tease Hilary Duff but she picked up a table by one leg in the coffee shop when she saw me coming so I just thought to myself "maybe later when her mood improves."

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Rose McGowan Takes a Picture

I guess I have nothing else. I don't really feel like writing anything today, plus I've finally admitted to myself that it's the height of summer and apparently no one is doing anything, even lazy, wealthy celebrities. Except Rose McGowan. She's taking pictures. I wonder if she has any more pictures, if you know what I mean. I like cute puppies and those little tiny piglets that wear boots. C'mon Rose cough 'em up.

Reese Witherspoon Relaxes

For some reason people are celebrating the 15th anniversary of the release of the movie Legally Blonde. No I really have no idea why either. But whatever the reason, it caused Reese Witherspoon to float around in her pool while wearing a bikini. She's 40 did you know that? I bet she's just trying to make you feel bad about yourself, and as well you should I mean just look at you. Sitting there in that dirty robe typing away on your computer writing dumb posts about celebrities no one cares about anymore. What a waste of a life.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Me Need Shelter

Holy Shit! Without the right lighting, a professional photographer, two make up artists and a guy with a PhD in Photoshop, Khloe Khardashian looks like a goddamn caveman. Relax Oook, we all have fire now. It's called a lighter.

The Girl From Ipanema. Sort of.

This is Brazilian "model" Liziane Gutierrez.  Some C-List celebrity website wrote about her and her "modeling" because some of these journalists still insist every semi-attractive halfwit with an Instagram account, and a push-up bra is a model now. Just like how I just called people that write blog posts journalists. Hey look at me everybody I'm a journalist! I'll have breaking news about Richard Nixon soon, but I can't say anything right now I want it to be a surprise.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Huzzah for 500

This is the 500th post on this blog. Go back and read them all. Relive those bygone halcyon days. Go, you know you want to. What else are you doing with your life?  Nothing that's what.

Mickey Rourke is Cool

Mickey Rourke should open a fashion boutique for men. It'll be aimed at 55 year old Eastern-European immigrant types with Nissan 350z's that hit on 25 year old women in bars.

Lily Allen is a Good Citizen

Remember Lily Allen? Boy I sure do. Who could forget that one song she did. Or that time she was in that thing? Oh man the memories. I guess Lily has a short memory too. Like that time she said this...
 The outspoken singer said avoiding paying tax was “greedy and wrong”, pointing out the money should be used to fund public services such as the NHS and transport systems.

Oh I agree. But I suppose she probably feels a little differently now that she apparently has to sell her $5.5 million dollar house, to pay back taxes. You know, the ones she never filed in the first place.
 Pop Star Lily Allen has been forced to put her £4.2 million country pile (country pile? -Ed.) on the market after being hit by a huge tax demand
 Oh but don't worry, she's apparently moved into a two bedroom apartment in London and was totally going to downsize anyway. Gee that's really all too bad.  What a shame. Imagine at one point having enough money to buy a $5 million dollar house, and now you owe so much in taxes you have to sell it. Maybe she's never heard that story about the frog that gives a scorpion a ride on his back across a rain swollen river because the frog wants to be nice to the poor scorpion. Except her story is a little different. She's the frog, and the government is the scorpion except it's a gigantic 18 wheeler that's going to run her down and leave her with permanent injuries that will make her homeless. Hey buck up Lily at least you'll have a nice smooth sidewalk or a fancy "transport system" to sleep on. And it's all because you did your duty as a citizen and paid your taxes. Ta daa! See? The system works.

Monday, July 11, 2016

Oh Hey Fergie

Fergie posted this series of pictures on Instagram. I know I've written about Fergie a couple times now in relatively quick succession but I'm sure Britney understands. It's just how the game is played baby. C'mon Brit don't be like that, there's plenty of me to go around.

Alanis Morrissette Has a Baby

Alanis Morissette is still alive and having babies. Don't believe me? There's proof. She posted that on her Instagram Did she give her baby a dumb name you ask? Oh you know she did - Onyx Solace Morissette-Treadway. Her husband's name is Maro Souleye Treadway so I guess dumb names run in the family. I spent about 5 minutes looking for the name of her other kid before I got bored and gave up so let's just call it Sapphire Lagoon. That sounds hippie-ish enough to me. Whatever happened to classic manly names like Stu, or Lance or Bruce. Still, that's a girl so you couldn't name it Lance. Or could you?  Yes you could. It's a baby what's it gonna do? Nothing that's what, except lay there and be stupid like all babies. I mean you can't even touch their heads what kind of defence mechanism is that? A crappy one. I don't know why you'd want to touch a baby head anyway you frigin weirdo. Get away from me.

Joe Perry Collapsed

Joe Perry collapsed on stage while performing with his band Hollywood Vampires and his "brother vampires" as they apparently call themselves, which is the stupidest thing I'll probably hear for the rest of the year. Brother vampires? hahaha I LOL just reading that (that means laugh out loud for all you non-hip people).  No word yet on the cause but it was probably from all the stress from coming out as an old lesbian. He could have just been tired from listening to all that shitty music. Or maybe, since it was during a performance at Coney Island it was from all the cotton candy, hot dogs and root beer floats. Watch out for the ring toss game Joe, that guy is crooked. You think he just gives away big cigars like that? No sir. Now go get yourself that pretty girl if her dance card isn't already full. Coney Island is always so much fun.

Friday, July 8, 2016

Poor Bunny

I saved these pictures last week to write a story but I forgot who they were, where they were and what they were doing. So far so good right? I'm at the top of my game. I only know their names because I labeled the pictures. Honestly, the UK has the worst celebrities in the world. All they do is vacation in countries with beaches that have no traffic laws and hospitals that look like they buy all of their equipment from the sets of movies made during the 1970's. Hey whatever,  if you want Doctor Gaetano Popolopolous that got his medical degree in the Solomon Islands treating your Botfly infestation that's your business, and besides, it's all free right? Anyway her name is Chloe Madeley and beyond having an awesome stomach I have no idea who she is or why she's famous. If she is indeed even famous. Maybe she's known for being kidnapped by her now Stockholm Syndrome boyfriend and shaved gorilla James Haskell. When asked for comment about their fun filled trip all James would say was. "Fire hot. Hurt James" and "I not mean to crush bunny. Me wanted only hug" Take it easy James. Just go back to your mountain top lair everything will be alright I promise.

Long Live Victoria Beckham

Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham was in one of the celebrity rag websites I steal all my content from and I have no idea why. I usually don't read the stories because unless there's genuine information to be had, the posts are usually written by semi-literate PR hacks, and people from countries that add a pointless "U" to all of their words. So I like to make up my own reasons for their appearance. And I think it as far as Posh Spice goes, her reason for being in the news was because she was elected Queen of the Pig Faced People. Congratulations Your Majesty, I know you'll be a benevolent leader.

Jennifer Lopez Goes to the Gun Show

Jennifer Lopez was on the set of her new movie or TV show, I'm not sure what it is, called "Shades of Blue" looking for someone to arm wrestle. Fine, I'll do it. As long as she doesn't somehow use that giant ass of hers that would be cheating. Wait a minute. That makes zero sense. Give me a break would you there's been fuck all to write about and frankly I haven't much felt like writing and it takes me a few posts to really get into the swing of things. I was thinking about a story about Bradley Cooper but who really cares about that guy anymore. Remember him? I bet Brad and Zorn Snuffleupagus meet once a month and reminisce about "The Hangover".  "Remember when we were all anyone talked about?"  says Brad while the two are on a fly fishing trip to the Adirondacks. "Oh yes" says Zorn as he reels in a two pound steelhead trout. "Indeed those were the days" says Zim. "Hey want to do The Hangover Part 4?"  And history is made.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Site News

Man. There is absolutely nothing to write about. And believe me I looked. I'll try again in the morning.

Shame on You For Being Dumb

The woman on the left is named Liz Krueger, a fitness instructor from Minnesota. The women on the right are a representation of the woman that I'm pretty sure gave her a hard time for wearing that skin tight dress to a (I imagine former) friend's wedding. Yes, she wore that outfit to a friends wedding which, anyone with half a brain could have told you was a huge mistake. Not because it looks tacky, which c'mon admit it, it kind of does,  but because everyone over the age of 12 that isn't pretending to be sensitive knows exactly how are other women are when faced with a dress like that. Especially at a wedding. And if she didn't know then she's an idiot. A very, very hot idiot. I can just imagine the bride on her "special day" bursting into tears, and then into flames like the vampire guy at the end of "Fright Night" the second Liz walked in the door at the reception and everyone turned at looked at Liz instead of whoever was getting married like that matters now.  Look Liz. I know this is a tough time for you what with all the internet arguments over your dress and whatnot so if you feel like talking just let me know we can meet for dinner or something. You know a nice dark place where no one will recognize us. You can even wear that dress if you want that's fine.

Monday, July 4, 2016

Kim Kardashian Gets a Bath

I know I said I wouldn't write about the Kardashian herd anymore, but it's a slow holiday weekend and they always hose her off on Fridays (I wrote most of this on Friday) so I thought it might interest you. Afterward, they'll take her temperature, weigh her, and give her a food reward for being so patient. Later in the afternoon they'll reunite her with her baby. You know how nervous and protective new mothers can be.

Jodie Foster Says Stuff

Sometimes I wonder if celebrities come from a different planet. Like Leonardo DiCaprio flying halfway around the world by himself in his Boeing Business Jet to tell people to stop diving their cars to work every day so we don't all get eaten by ice starved polar bears or whatever his problem is. And I suppose Jodie Foster isn't rich if you compare her to Steven Spielberg or George Lucas but I'd be happy to take just one tenth of what she has so I don't have to try to turn a big boot into soup later tonight like a hobo wearing a barrel in a cartoon from the Depression.

John Gotti Lives

This is dead mafia boss John Gotti's grandson, John Gotti. He should be wearing a fedora in this selfie but he left it in his BMW 3-series.  This picture was connected with a story about him being arrested for having Oxycontin pills and a bottle of testosterone in his car after being pulled over for having tinted windows and twirling pizza dough on his finger while driving.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Happy Independence Day

I'll be around at some point but if I'm not you can rest assured I'll be slapping around some British people on the Fourth, you know, for old times sake. So don't blow anything off that you need to use to click on your mouse buttons to get to this site like fingers, or hands because I'll be here.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Emergency Post

30 years ago today the greatest movie Hollywood ever produced was released. July 2, 1986.

Katy Perry is Popular

Katy Perry reached more than 90 million followers and became the most followed person on Twitter. Big deal. Follow me instead.

Friday, July 1, 2016

Kate Hudson is Photogenic

Oh hey Kate Hudson what's up? So I guess I'm suddenly following Kate Hudson on Instagram now. Kate says women should "celebrate their bodies". Well... if you insist.  I'll celebrate yours if that's okay. But I guess I should stop now before this completely spirals into some kind of slobberingly desperate internet post. I'm really not like all those other insanely desperate internet guys Kate. You should know that. Being as smart as you are and all. And gorgeous. Did I mention I love strong,  independent women? Because I do. I love the way you have the place decorated by the way. It's very tasteful. Did I mention you're gorgeous? I'm always here if you need anything

Kim Mathers Wears a Bikini

This is Eminem's ex-wife Kim Mathers. I'd never seen her before but yeah, she looks pretty much exactly like I expected. The only thing missing is a pack of Kools but you could bet your last dollar they're around there somewhere. Just check next to the 40 of Olde English.

Chad Johnson is in a Park

I don't write much about shirtless dudes because I'm a dude. But I realize that there might actually be a woman somewhere reading this and I have to imagine that she likes dudes. So here's who I'm told is former Bachelorette Chad Johnson just for her. He's a real jerk isn't he? Seriously, what a jerk.  What's his middle name, Chicken Legs? You know, people wouldn't notice those as much if you wore baggy pants, "Chad". Not me though, my pants are as tight as can be.