Ana De Armas is Still Famous

 Here's Ana De Armas again. She better live it up because "Bond Girls" have a shelf life of exactly one movie. Name any three James Bond "girls". Go ahead, I'll wait. Think about it, a James Bond movie practically destroyed Halle Berry's career. I know it's really soon to be writing about Ana again, but she was leaving an after party for the James Bond movie "No Time to Die" and her top fell open. I'm not really writing about her boobs so much as to point out that The Daily Mail is still calling this "a wardrobe malfunction", which was a hackneyed phrase used to describe an event that originally happened in 2004. So... 17 years ago. At this point, it sounds like my mom saying something is "off the chain".

Good Bye Billie Eilish

 I'm not writing about Billie Eilish anymore, poor kid. I don't care how much money you have in the bank, if you're 20 years old and go to a James Bond premier dressed like my great-grandmother going to a wedding in 1975, there are issues you need to deal with and I don't feel right teasing her.

Who is Ana De Armas NUDE

 I just learned of Ana De Armas and what the fuck why are you guys keeping this stuff from me. I thought we were friends

Hannah Waddington is Nuts

 Remember when I wrote about Hannah Waddington? She's STILL talking about her Emmy and even carrying it around like some kind of crazy person even though she won it a week ago. She won it for "Ted Lasso" a show with such low ratings, that I can't even find numbers on how many people actually watch it. They say things like "Apple TV doesn't release those figures" when you know damn well if 25 million people a week were watching this garbage dump they would. If I had to guess I'd bet maybe 500,000 people a week watch this. Maybe.

Short version: I'm not writing about her anymore.

Vanessa Hudgens is a Super Star

 Lucky me I forgot to post this yesterday so it looks like I'm writing on a Saturday!

People seem to talk about Vanessa Hudgens  A LOT considering she hasn't really been on TV or anything for, as far as I know, nearly 15 years.  If you go to her Wikipedia entry they mention High School Musical (off the air in 2008) and it seems to be the only thing they mention. Of course, that's pretty much where I stopped reading so maybe I'm wrong. On the other hand I guess I'm talking about her right now but she's in nothing but her underwear and high heels so at least I have a decent excuse.

Demi Rose Has an Inflated Sense of Self

 I know I said I wouldn't write about D-List nobody Demi Rose anymore, but I saw this picture and literally laughed out loud. So there's your big, inflated Demi Rose news for the day. She doesn't feel ridiculous?

Chloe Ferry Swells With Pride

 

Chloe Ferry is a reality show dimwit from Britain which is a country that apparently produces two things now. Very expensive junk cars, and unappealing women that export pictures of themselves in their underwear. I think this was from Instagram where she used this picture to warn people about what happens when you get stung on the mouth by a bee.  Bimbo idiot.

Gina Stewart is a GILF

 This is a woman named Gina Stewart that's been billed "The World's Hottest Grandmother" by someone, although I don't know who since I don't think there's really any kind of governing body for this sort of thing. Before you get worked up she's 51 years old, not 71. So hardly decrepit and considering some of the other 50 year olds (and older) floating around this blog, she's hardly all that unusual. Technically she could have been a grandmother for 20 years already.

 I new a girl that gave birth to a child at 13 so in all reality, all it would have taken just a little bad luck and if her kid also got pregnant at 13 she could have been a grandmother by the age of 27. 

Gina is certainly attractive but I'm not sure how many of those filters she used for that picture she actually needs.  If she wants people to think shes' a cartoon that's fine with me but if she wants to send me some I'll be sure to give her an honest opinion five or six minutes later.

Bono Beached

 Bono and his canckles beached themselves after they were chased out of the water by a shark looking for dinner. "These seal colonies are nice I may never leave" he was overheard saying before swallowing whole a small mackerel thrown to him by a tourist. ARF! ARF! ARF! replied the other seals while slapping their enormous fins together. Kind of like human U2 fans sort of.

Elvira is Gay

 Elvira has been in a relationship with her assistant Theresa Wireson for the last 19 years

 

'Could my fans hate me for not being what they expected me to be? 

'I'm very aware that there will be some who will be disappointed and maybe even angry, but...at this point in my life, I've got to be truthful about who I am,' she said.

I have some bad news for her. No one cares. Like, at all. I'd forgotten Elvira was even alive at this point. I don't have the slightest idea why any of these people think we give a shit about who they're fucking. We don't.  Not to mention the fact that she waited until she was 70 years old to say something. Nearly as old as my mom. I won't go into her long wordy story about how they met and blah blah... I only read about half of it anyway.

Hannah Waddington Bear

 I'd never heard of Hanah Waddington until about five minutes ago but I'll be keeping an eye on her starting now. With a name like that she HAS to be British. She has that certain "warrior princess" appeal that I like so much. She's on a show called "Ted Lasso" for which, believe it or not, I have heard commercials for on the radio in my car and it sounds super funny. Like when the guy - I assume Ted - makes a joke about wanting to date Diane Sawyer. I nearly crashed into a pole while I was laughing. DIANE SAWYER HAHAHAHA. Yes me and everyone that still thinks it's 1996 agrees. You fucking people will watch anything I swear to God.

Kylie Jenner Got Fucked

 Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Frankly, I'm surprised she waited until she was 24. She definitely struck me as the "girl in high school that got pregnant" type. No word yet on which rapper is the father, if she even knows, or if he hasn't already been shot to death. It's more likely they know and I simply don't care enough to look. I can't wait to see all the $5000 baby shoes, and gold plated ride on electric-cars for kids stories, because you know those are coming. If I was a betting man I'd guess a ride on Humvee. What a human trash can.

Julia Roberts is Brand New

 Wow that's Julia Roberts? I used to think women got better looking after 35, but she's 53. So I guess Julia Roberts just set a new bar. I'm actually a little surprised, I never really thought much of Julia Roberts but I'll be thinking of her now. Well, maybe not NOW, but for sure later.

Lottie Moss Shines NUDE

 

I've written a surprising number of stories about Lottie Moss even though I'm not 100% sure who she is. I think she's Kate Moss' sister from Australia? She looks different now though. She looks like she lost weight? Why would you get (sort of) famous for your looks, and then change the way you look? Why is her face so shiny? I don't know, I mean, it's fine with me I still like her and everything. Isn't that right Lottie? Uncle Bobby will make everything okay. Why don't we find a nice quiet place to have some drinks and we'll talk about it. Wear that dress.

Jenny McCarthy NUDE (Again)

 Jenny McCarthy let her tits hang out so someone could take a picture of them to sell lip gloss. Remember Jenny McCarthy? She's from Chicago I think. Orland Park? Maybe? So yeah she's one of those.  I wonder why nobody has asked her about covid vaccines. The Jenny McCarthy Body Count website hasn't been updated in a long time but I bet no one wants to be associated with that baggage, so they'll probably just blow her off. But if they're smart they'll start asking her about it so a bunch of idiots on the internet will get mad and start clicking on the story and start screaming at each other because that's pretty much all you people are good for anyway

She's married to a Wahlberg you know. I forgot which one but my guess is she forgets which one too. Wow, this is really all over the place and even more poorly written than usual but I'll probably have more to come so buckle up, it's going to be a long weekend.

Kathy Hilton is Boring Too

 Speaking of Paris Hilton, that's her mom, Kathy. She's the one on the right. She was at the Met Gala which has been happening for what seems like two weeks now. I think the person on the left is Beyonce or whoever. Let's see if you can guess who I think is more physically attractive, Paris? Or her mom. Go ahead take a wild guess. Here's a hint. It's not Paris. By the way, it's okay, it's not sexist to focus on their looks because that's basically all they have. That would be like a brain surgeon being mad at you for mentioning that they know about brains. There is literally no other reason to talk about either one of them. Honestly I didn't even know Paris Hilton had a mom until about 20 minutes ago.

I'm Done With Paris

 So I guess people are still talking about Paris Hilton although I have no idea why. I'm not going to anymore though because this is all she does. She stands like that and has her picture taken and that's it. That's all she does. This was boring 15 years ago. Vacuous idiot. I don't know in what universe people still want to know about this, but I don't want any part of it anymore. Unless she makes another sex tape or something than I'll revisit my decision. You know what to do Paris so get to it. I'm sure you can dredge up a willing partner somewhere. If not give me a call. Keep the heels.

Helena Christensen is Back

 I poked a little harmless fun at Helena Christensen the other day. Look it's just shenanigans, you know? It's all just for fun.  Like razzing your friends, or teasing someone about their weight or the way they talk, you know? Look let me make it up to you, how about a nice dinner at Longhorn Steakhouse and maybe a nice stroll along the lake. Chicago is nice in the fall and if we don't get shot and killed, maybe we can go to a museum or the zoo or something later

Norm Macdonald Dies

 Norm Macdonald died of cancer. He was 61. And now I'm stuck with you assholes. 

I'm sorry I didn't mean that, I'm just not handling this very well

Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez is a Joke NUDE

 Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez wore a dress that probably cost more than most people earn in six months, with "Tax the Rich" printed on it to a $35,000 dollar per ticket event because she's basically a hypocritical,  Twitter wine mom/Blue Wave/meaningless word salad reply idiot, resister, and unserious nitwit.  How this moron managed to get elected to anything other than Homecoming Queen is something I will never understand, and she should be ignored by everyone with an ounce of brains that's over the age of 17.

Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly are Original

 I looked high and low for something to write about and all I could find was a story about Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly at the MTV VMAs, impersonating Rose McGowan and Marilyn Manson at the 1998 MTV VMAs. !!SCANDALOUS!! 

Everything old is new again. The two of them are about as original as Greta Van Fleet.

Kate Moss has a "Car"

 Kate Moss' MG broke down and left her stranded. Of course it did. It's an MG. I don't know what's bigger news to people in the UK. That people still talk about Kate Moss? Or that MGs are basically garbage cars.

Britney Spears Ass NUDE

 Britney Spears is slowly but surely moving into the "posting nudes" phase of her social media "career". It's usually incremental. It starts out with skimpy outfits and then slowly evolves from there. Frankly, from what I can see, she actually looks better naked than even I expected. Where's her boyfriend while all this is taking place? Who cares, fuck that guy. If he's that boring Brit give me a call. Your dad doesn't have to know anymore it's no sense keeping it a secret now.

Demi Lovato Loves Porno

 

Demi Lovato told her fans to be "sluts" and for once me and Demi Lovato agree on something. 

“Be a slut. Show your body. Get naked. Have all the safe, different, consensual sex you want. Be Kinky. Masturbate. Make/watch porn. Make money.”

“Just a reminder that being sexual is okay,” the post concluded.

Just so you know I agree with her 100%. And I'm not joking. The whole "she fucked a lot of guys so she's a slut" is bullshit. It always has been. Trust me guys, you want a "slut". And the sluttier the better. Take my word for it. You really do. I'm not going to go into all the reasons for this because there are simply too many. And if you're girlfriend isn't an unhinged slut with you,  you are the problem.

I can't find the link to her actual post so here's her Instagram. If you find it send me a telegram, I already know what she said.

  By the way, if Demi Lovato wants to make porno with me I'm fully game, but I guess it'll depend on which Demi Lovato shows up. The one in the picture at the top? (definitely yes please) Or this one (please dear God no).

Andy Cohen Wins

 Andy Cohen was voted "The Gayest Looking Man on TV". I'm just kidding, this story had something to do with him talking to someone about something but no one cares. Especially me. I honest to God don't even know what Andy Cohen does or if what he does even happens in America. If he's famous he's doing a bad job of it.

Matt Damon is Strong and Brave

 Matt Damon is strong and brave and said he was "as lucky as you could be" during the whole Covid thing after his daughter was diagnosed with Covid after having a "low fever"

The actor, 50, revealed himself, his wife Luciana Barroso and their family were forced to self-isolate and undergo regular PCR tests after Gia struggled with a 'low fever.'

Ooooh. I hope your daughter is okay now after having a low fever. I know how horrible it can be to have a low fever. I'd hate to have a low fever. I'm surprised she lived after having a low fever. I wonder if she's going to need any kind of physical therapy now after having a low fever, I mean you know how insidious those low fevers are. Did she cough too? Maybe had a sore throat? Or was it just a low fever. 

Don't you feel fucking ridiculous? 

Helena Christensen is Here

 Poor Helena Christensen. She's from that  80's/ early 90's "super model" era.  She's only 52 you know.

Cindy Crawford is Thirsty

 Here's Cindy Crawford recreating her "famous" 1992 Pepsi commercial. She looks almost identical as she did then even at 55 years old. So she's older than your mom. Maybe a lot older. Trust me, your mom doesn't look like that. I really don't have too much else today I'd just like to add, Gen X rules.

Chrissy Teigen NUDE

 I'm not writing about Chrissy Teigen anymore because she's a horrible person, I just wanted you to see that ridiculous headline so maybe you'd appreciate what I have to go through to find stuff to write this crap.

Go Get Her Boys

 Some woman that no one could name chugged two beers at the US Open and this apparently has everyone all worked up. Take my word for it. You don't want a girl like this. You don't want a girl like this any more than a woman would want a guy like this. This doesn't end well for anybody. She doesn't look particularly young either. She's probably pushing 30? That would be my guess. And if she's younger than that you can see why chugging beers isn't good for her. 

This is a learned thing that takes practice. You don't just chug beer like that because you decided you feel like it. Look, I'm here to help. Hey don't listen to me, you don't have to take my word for it. If you have to learn things the hard way, by all means, knock yourself out. If you feel like dragging a potentially urine covered,  breathing, 135 pound corpse home from the bar every weekend no one is stopping you. It's still a free country.

 

Molly Sims is Still Noteworthy?

 Molly Sims is still in a bikini and she's still all over the celebrity gossip sites. Okay she's on one. But it's a big one, and I for the life of me can't figure out why. I'd never even heard of her before the other day and then all the sudden... !!!BLAMMO!!! You can't get away from her.

Was it because se was The Man With the Golden Gun's girlfriend? That's what that picture makes it look like anyway. Hey good for you Molly, keep doing whatever it is you do I guess.

Bella Hadid Scores Some Weight

 Bella Hadid is apparently a model. They said she was showing off her "flat abs" and yeah, of course she has flat abs, she's basically a mobile skeleton. Sleeping next to her would be like sleeping next to a bag full of antlers. Sorry skinny isn't abs. She's 24 years old and she has the build of an 8th grader, so give me a break.

Michael Williams Dead

 Michael Williams died yesterday or the day before. He was 54. I'd never seen him before 10pm last night but he must've been famous because Twitter is wetting their pants over it. Godspeed.

Emergency Elizabeth Hurley News

 BREAKING! ELIZABETH HURLEY WENT TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY WITHOUT A BRA! 

This is what passes for news in the UK now. Give them bread and circuses and keep the populace numb. British people will already do pretty much whatever an authority figure tells them to do, so throw in a couple boobs and you're all set for good.
 

It was a birthday party for some British guy. I saw his name but I have zero idea who he is. There were a bunch of other "famous" British people there and trust me, you don't know who they are either. Elizabeth Hurley was the sole name I recognized. No one asked her why she didn't wear a bra but I imagine it's probably because she doesn't need one. Either that or they're being held up with medical tape like the beauty pageant contestants use. 

Just because we're guys it doesn't mean we don't know what you're up to. What do you think, we're stupid? We know boobs don't just stay like that deep into your 50's. Give me a break, even someone magical like Elizabeth Hurley needs help.  Unless she doesn't, but I'm afraid I'll need to see more proof that she doesn't. You know where to send the pics Liz.

Chrissy Teigen Sober. Still an Asshole

 Chrissy Teigen and her enormous face celebrated being sober for 50 days. Where is her personality going to come from now? But good for her, maybe being sober will give her more time to focus on being a mean girl bully on the internet. I hate bullies more than anything in the world. I'm already so mad I can barely even type this. 

Go fuck yourself Chrissy Teigen. And take your pussy husband with you.  

I Have Ivermectin (Original Post Updated)

 You know, I was thinking today. I have Ivermectin in my "animal closet" because it kills these mites the squirrels that I feed get occasionally, and I started thinking, don't any of you people have pets? Haven't you ever had to go to the vet because your dog got sick? Do you not realize how many animal medications are used in people, and vice versa?

 Pentosan, Prednisolone, Prednisone, Lactalose, antacids, at least a half dozen antibiotics I can't think of the names of off the top of my head, and on and on and on. And if you don't know, WHY don't you know? Don't you ask ANY questions about anything? Ever? If a doctor prescribed something for you or your pet, don't you want to know even the first thing about it? Do you not realize you have the entire history of the world literally right at your fingertips? You could find the answer to almost any question you could possibly imagine in seconds. So why don't you? If Ivermectin is an effective treatment for ANYTHING - and frankly I don't know whether or not it is - wouldn't that be a good thing? How could you be so emotionally invested in something that's basically now political that even a cure for something that might kill you (although highly unlikely) that you don't want to know about it? 

Doesn't that seem bizarre to you?  

What is it like to wander through life completely ignorant of seemingly almost everything without asking one single question? Is it like torture? Do you notice? Or is it just like sleepwalking and then someone whispers in your ear about what to be mad about so you just wake up and start tweeting about it? 

What does that feel like? To be so totally devoid of independent thought that it must be like waking up after a black out drunk weekend and you can only piece together small vignettes of things that happened. 

Hey I guess the upside is, you'll never regret anything because you simply don't know anything. So good job. Keep up the good work.

Heidi and Elizabeth Sitting in a Tree

 I was going to write my usual garbage place holder story kind of thing, because yet another 50-something lady showed up in  a bathing suit named Elizabeth Hurley, and then I saw Heidi Klum's legs and was torn about which one I should write about and then I thought, why not both? I would include Molly Sims in this... orgy... of photographs but I'm only one man. Don't worry though, there's plenty of me to go around.  

Heidi Klum was doing whatever she was doing on that table surrounded by friends because it was her loser husbands birthday, and Elizabeth Hurley was doing that because she's sad and lonely. Either way I can fix everything for either one, just give me the chance. For the love of God let me try. And don't think I've forgotten about Molly. It's hard to believe this is what women in their 50s look like now, you have no idea how happy this makes me. Okay so Heidi and Molly are 48 but let's not split hairs. Unless you think their looks will collapse like Kathy Griffins' did but let's worry about that in 18 months or so.

Molly Sims Drinks it In

 Molly Sims was in a bathing suit in Venice. She was at the Venice Film festival which I didn't even know was happening. I figured Europe shut down again because Patty's kid got the sniffles at school, or somebody said something mean to the President of Euro or whatever it's called now.

They called her the "Yes Man" star and I actually laughed out loud because what the fuck is that? They also mentioned her husband Captain Stubing or whatever his name is. He wasn't in any of the pictures with her because she hates him and he can't satisfy her sexually or emotionally. Have you seen the guy? He's a fucking nerd and a half. Loser. He's the Netflix CEO or something so she's probably married to him for the money anyway. 

There were four or five pictures of her in various bathing suits/bikinis and she has a drink in her hand in every single one. So I guess she's a booze hag, which is fine, when they get drunk that's when you can talk them into having sex in a public place.

Dog the Bounty Hunter is His Name.

 This was supposed to be a story about how Dog the Bounty Hunter was allowed to use the (their description) "N-word" because the "black tribe" said it was okay but his daughter said he was just racist and homophobic. I don't know what evidence she produced, because if you think I don't care about Dog the Bounty Hunter, you should try to imagine how much I don't care about his daughter. 

No, what this really is about is, if you're a normal average person - and trust me you are, you khaki pants wearing lanyard owning worker bee - you don't know anyone named "Dog". Well, I've met at least three "Dogs" (usually Dawg) and every single one of them look like that. So if you see someone that looks like that while you're out buying oatmeal for your 2.5 children and your husband with the closet full of golf shirts, you can rest assured his name is Dog. While you're at the store get me some beef jerky would you, you beige statistic.

Happy Birthday Salma Hayek

Salma Hayek posted this for her birthday because why not. If you have tits, use them, otherwise what's the point.  I'm sure you guys are probably tired of Salma Hayek. Too bad it's my blog I guess, what are you going to do, come over and make me stop writing about her? Pfft good luck. Stop by if you want, my door is usually unlocked anyway because I like to encourage intruders.

Site Update

 I've had some stuff going on. I'll try to get one or maybe two posted a day but for the time being, I make no promises.

Jennifer Aniston Shakes

 Jennifer Aniston made a diet shake. Whoopdiefuckingdoo. Oh look it has peptides in it. Where's your mask?