Friday, September 29, 2017

Jaime Pressly NUDE!

Wait a minute. Jaime Pressly has been in Playboy?! (you should probably click the links with caution but whatever it's your life) Why wasn't I informed? Well believe you me I know now. It looks like my plans for this weekend have changed.

Hugh Hefner Dead at 91

I'm sure you've heard by now that Hugh Hefner went to the Great Beyond, and all I can think to say is Hugh Hefner's super-nerd sons are really, really lucky Hugh Hefner was their father otherwise the family bloodline would most likely end with them.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Tommy Lee Needs Blood

Tommy Lee kissed his girlfriend Tiffany Star or whatever the fuck her name is at something called The Streamy Awards. Later he cut open her wrist and drank some of her blood so his hair can maintain that youthful black color. I'm sorry I guess I have no idea why this is news or why I'm even writing about it. What the Hell are The Streamy Awards? But hey whatever, I'll keep writing this crap so all 14 of you guys won't quit coming here.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Sunday With Sienna Miller

Sienna Miller was at the Apollo Theater in London last night seeing the play "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" and not rockets like I originally thought. Good God she's attractive isn't she? The story I didn't link says shes 35 years old but she's 35 in the same way I'm the King of Russia. I'm not. But to be perfectly honest she can say whatever she wants and I'd believe it. Chemtrails are poisoning our family pets and turning them against us? Whatever you say Sienna I support you 100%.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Kylie Jenner Pregnant

!!!BREAKING NEWS FOR DUMMIES!!!!! Kylie Jenner is pregnant. I guess the rocket scientist sitting next to her is the father but who can really say. I have a good idea. If she has a son she should name him Bruce. You know, like the athlete.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Karruche Tran is Somebody

Some high maintenance, tawdry z-list bimbo named Karruche Tran wore see through pants to some bar called Catch LA's first anniversary party. Honest to Christ, some of these morons would show up half naked to the ribbon cutting of a new 7-11 if they thought they'd get their picture posted on some shitty celebrity site. Not mine of course mine is the best there is.  Here's a paragraph from her Wikepedia page in case you're interested...
 Karrueche Tran is an American actress and model. Tran initially gained mainstream exposure as the girlfriend of R&B singer Chris Brown before extending her resume to include modeling and acting.
 That clears things up for me, how about you? Her "resume" now includes - in addition to being a groupie - "modeling and acting". My resume includes those things too because it's fun to type stuff on pieces of paper. Why are they always getting in and out of black SUVs? Why do they always have body guards? I didn't know body guards worked for free because I don't see getting your picture at shitty bars paying very well at all. I could be wrong but of course I'm not. See you at the Academy Awards ceremony Karruche. Remember Clint Eastwood drinks his Scotch neat.

Evangeline Lily is Insane

The insanely hot Evangeline Lily dressed up like a wasp for a movie about an Ant Man. That's pretty much all I know and if you think I'm researching this asinine movie you better think again. Doesn't that whole sentence sound fucking stupid to you? Because if it doesn't, it should. What drives you people to throw money at these ridiculous cartoon movies? Were you dropped on your heads? Did your parents pump small doses of carbon monoxide into your bedrooms while you slept when you were kids?  Grown people running around dressed like bugs fighting crime. That's what you're spending upwards of $100 for two or three people with popcorn to see in theaters. Keep it up idiots me and Evangeline need the money for the yacht we're buying together where we'll work on our abs and eat right.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Britney Spears is Cute as Hell

<blockquote class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned data-instgrm-version="7" style=" background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:658px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width:calc(100% - 2px);"><div style="padding:8px;"> <div style=" background:#F8F8F8; line-height:0; margin-top:40px; padding:62.5% 0; text-align:center; width:100%;"> <div style=" background:url(data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAACwAAAAsCAMAAAApWqozAAAABGdBTUEAALGPC/xhBQAAAAFzUkdCAK7OHOkAAAAMUExURczMzPf399fX1+bm5mzY9AMAAADiSURBVDjLvZXbEsMgCES5/P8/t9FuRVCRmU73JWlzosgSIIZURCjo/ad+EQJJB4Hv8BFt+IDpQoCx1wjOSBFhh2XssxEIYn3ulI/6MNReE07UIWJEv8UEOWDS88LY97kqyTliJKKtuYBbruAyVh5wOHiXmpi5we58Ek028czwyuQdLKPG1Bkb4NnM+VeAnfHqn1k4+GPT6uGQcvu2h2OVuIf/gWUFyy8OWEpdyZSa3aVCqpVoVvzZZ2VTnn2wU8qzVjDDetO90GSy9mVLqtgYSy231MxrY6I2gGqjrTY0L8fxCxfCBbhWrsYYAAAAAElFTkSuQmCC); display:block; height:44px; margin:0 auto -44px; position:relative; top:-22px; width:44px;"></div></div> <p style=" margin:8px 0 0 0; padding:0 4px;"> <a href="" style=" color:#000; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none; word-wrap:break-word;" target="_blank">Who says you can’t do fashion week at home! 😜 👠👗</a></p> <p style=" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px; margin-bottom:0; margin-top:8px; overflow:hidden; padding:8px 0 7px; text-align:center; text-overflow:ellipsis; white-space:nowrap;">A post shared by Britney Spears (@britneyspears) on <time style=" font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px;" datetime="2017-09-18T18:58:12+00:00">Sep 18, 2017 at 11:58am PDT</time></p></div></blockquote>
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This is the embed code for a video file on Britney Spears Instagram of her modeling clothes for some reason. I don't know how to share an Instagram post here, either that or Blogger won't let me embed it either one is likely, but just go ahead and click the underlined words trust me.

Donald Glover Wins an Emmy

Donald Glover who has an estimated personal net worth of $12 million dollars slammed President Trump for oppressing him during his winning Emmy speech last night...
"I want to thank Trump for making black people No. 1 on the most-oppressed list," he said. “He’s probably the reason I’m up here.”
 Poor Donald Glover evidently broke his bonds and took the Underground Railroad in the middle of the night to the station where he was picked up by a limousine and handed a $5000 tuxedo to wear on national television to accept a gold plated trophy he can put on the marble mantel of his gigantic fireplace in one of his enormous mansions. And yes I'm well aware that the Underground Railroad wasn't an actual train but it's my blog so I'll describe various modes of transportation how I want. If Don can tell me he's oppressed I can decide how people travel the country.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Lily Tomlin is Still With Us

I didn't watch the Emmy Awards last night although I suppose I should have. In my defense I started watching them but quickly decided shows about ghosts on Destination America where far more entertaining and less scary then watching famous people pat each other on the back. I was surprised to find out Lily Tomlin showed up because I thought she was dead. Unless she's a ghost then I suppose I really did miss something. I don't know what award she won but judging by the picture I'd guess it was "The Former Star That Now Looks Most Like a Muppet" award. So lifelike. Congratulations Lily.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Saturday Fergie Gets a Divorce

BIG NEWS Fergie is getting divorced from whoever it was she was married too. James somebody I think. Anyway who cares that's all in the past now. I'm ready to step in and be a dad to your kids so listen Fergie if you need anything during this heartbreaking time you know where to find me. I'll be hanging around by that bridge in the woods.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Orland Bloom Strong. Like Tree.

Orlando Bloom shared this picture on Instagram. It's a picture of him dead lifting 95 pounds. Watch out, if you ever give him a ride in your car somewhere make sure you open the door for him so he doesn't accidentally rip it off of the hinges. I'm not exactly sure what the dude behind him is doing, but if you ever find yourself asking that question it's probably best to just mind your own business.

Heather Locklear is Wreckless

Heather Locklear was briefly hospitalized in Thousand Oaks, California after driving her car into a ditch. Sort of like her career I guess. See what being involved with anyone from Bon Jovi will do to you? Those guys are like, I don't know. Not King Midas, King Shithands maybe. Remember the band Skid Row? Jon Bon Jovi had something to do with them and where are they now? Who knows. What were we talking about? Oh right. Stay in school kids.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Sara is That You?

Remember when I wrote about Sara Sampaio? Here's a $20 bill forget I said anything.

Katie Holmes Wears a Jacket

Katie Holmes was at Fashion Week and man she gets better looking as she gets older doesn't she? She's almost 40. It's unreal. She looks like, I don't know. I guess if I had to describe it, I'd say she looks like the new office manager that was hired to whip this place into shape, and I have to tell you you're the worst employee we have on this team Bobby and the only way you're going to learn is by having sex with you right here on this desk. Okay boss whatever you say.

Friday, September 8, 2017

Courtny Love is Lifelike

Some guy pushed Courtney Love's wax figure into the premier of a movie about fashion week. I'm kidding of course it's not a wax figure it's really her. I think. Why is she so shiny? Does she have a robot face? Is it all the drugs? I'm not a doctor but I'm going to say yes, it's all the drugs. I will never understand the level of fascination some people outside of the people that have to buy them for Sears or whatever have with clothes. Now there's another movie about fashion week? Get a pair of pants and be done with it, life is really, really short. Why is that guy's neck hole in that shirt so big?  Why is Courtney's outfit so ugly? A tan jacket with a black dress? And those shoes. Why do women have such terrible taste in shoes? So many questions.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Leslie Van Houten Goes Free Question Mark

Manson Family member, and the cutest murderer with a bloody "X" carved into her forehead  Leslie Van Houten has been granted parole after serving more than 40 years for slaughtering innocent people in the middle of the night. California Governor Jerry Brown still has 120 days to decide whether or not to make this official. There's been no word yet about what her plans are if she ever does see the free world again but if I was going to judge by the most current picture of her, I'd guess she was going to move to Austin Texas, buy a Prius and a cat, shop at Whole Foods and protest Ronald Reagan. She would protest Trump but she has to get up to speed. She's a little behind the times and Richard Nixon was still president when she went to prison and it takes a while to figure out which Republican everyone thinks is a Nazi so it can be overwhelming.

Britney Spears Goes to the Gym

I saw this and I forgot I saved this picture of Britney Spears like three weeks ago. I don't remember the connected story and I'm only posting it now so I never, ever lose it again. I'm sorry Britney don't be mad, listen let me take you to dinner. Oh wait you know what? I lost my wallet this morning so will you loan me the money? I'll pay you back I swear.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Jaden Smith is Manly

Jaden Smith was at the GQ Men of the Year Awards while carrying a purse, and that's all you need to know about the GQ Men of the Year Awards.

Michelle Pfieffer Comes in Second

Michelle Pfeiffer was at some awards thing. Probably getting a runner up for their Lifetime Achievement Award Trophy for Sexiness. First place goes of course to me. Better luck next time Michelle.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Lamar Odom is Alive?

Lamar Odom is married to one of the Kardashian idiots but I'm not sure which one. I think that's her in the picture. He's some basketball player or maybe he played football (the real one not that European crap) or maybe he raced Formula 1 and blah blah blah...isn't he supposed to be dead? Wasn't that guy in the hospital literally moments away from death from complete organ failure?  Maybe he is dead and that's his ghost who knows. Maybe his reanimated corpse came back to curse anyone that stole his thick gold neck chains kind of like the Mummy. "Lo and he that may possess my Chains of Gold shall be cursed for 1000 years". Take it easy Mummy Lamar no one wants your tacky jewelry.

Monday, September 4, 2017

Susan Sarandon Takes her Boobs to Venice

I've written about Susan Sarandon and her big boobs before. She's 70. If you're asking me the obvious question the obvious answer is yes I don't even care about her canckles. 

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Britney Bullies Some Nerd

Britney Spears called a fan up onto the stage in Las Vegas and then made fun of him for having alcohol on his breath instead of making fun of him for being a dude in his 20's in Las Vegas attending a Britney Spears concert.

Princess Mary Does Princessy Things

Danish Crown Princess Mary of Daneland or wherever the country of Danish is, showed up for the 30th anniversary of BørneTelefonen, whatever the fuck that is, probably to talk about telephones I guess. I've written about countries that still have royal families before and I still think it's stupid to have a royal family except for the princesses. Mary needs to work on the shoes a little bit, but otherwise they're always very cute aren't they?