Thursday, May 25, 2017

I'm a Fashion Expert

Okay so I hadn't exactly planned on writing about Britney Spears, but since I clicked on this picture for "other" reasons something started to bother me. Why do women insist on wearing those black heels with everything. That looks really awful. "I think I'll put on this slinky, sexy red dress, and to top it off? Black Frankenstein shoes" Maybe she plans on battling the Mummy or something. Wouldn't any other color have been better?  Memorial Day is in like three days I think white would have been fine. Or maybe tan. Tan would have definitely been better. She has $150 million dollars, it's not like she couldn't stop at JCPenney and buy some tan heels. Thanks for ruining the mood Britney. I'll have to get back to you. You can keep the shoes on.

Wonder Woman has Invisible Underwear

Connie Nielson signed autographs for fans while not wearing underwear. Why? Why not? She's in the new "Wonder Woman" so I think she can do anything she wants. She was also in Gladiator 17 years ago.  I have no idea why anyone needs a new Wonder Woman movie but I guess they have to keep you comic nerds busy somehow. I don't even know if she plays Wonder Woman. If you go see it let me know. I'll be here waiting for your answer. I'm kidding I'll be having a life.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

From Hell

Mama June who became famous for the all but forgotten "Honey Boo Boo or Whatever it was Called Show" appeared on the red carpet somewhere, for some reason looking like a nightmarish Marilyn Monroe. I saw this picture on a certain UK celebrity rag that I won't name (The Daily Mail) and it's the only, only place I ever see her or hear about her anymore. I do remember when everyone here in the States would talk about her, but I don't really know why. It takes the UK about 10 years to filter through our left overs I guess. Hell, last I heard they're still playing with Pogs over there.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Site News

There's been a schedule change so I haven't been able to write as much lately. But I will. Maybe tonight. WILL YOU GET OFF MY BACK. Jesus.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Sunday Funday for the Ladies

Patrick Wilson is on The Gold Coast somewhere and he went jogging with his shirt off like all studs do. He was on The Gold Coast filming some DC Comics movie but comics are dumb and comics movies are even dumber so I don't care. I think it's Aquaman? And once again I'm not sure where "The Gold Coast" is. I know there's one in Africa I think. South Africa? And I know there's at least two here in the Chicago area. One on Lake Shore Drive like where Oprah lived, and the other starting roughly in Deerfield and going all the way up to Lake Forest.

 If you get the chance, go drive through Lake Forest. There are houses there that looks like Batman lives there. People that live there have private planes and limousines with drivers. I went to a party this one time at this guy's house who's dad was the owner or president or whatever he was of Wilson Electronics and a 100 year old rich guy showed up in his limo, and his driver just stood there outside the door of the car like you'd see in the movies. Just stood there waiting to open the car door for this guy in the cold on New Year's Eve. I'll never forget that. They have servant's quarters and old money people that walk around with monocles. I once dated a girl from there that lived next-door to Walgreen's. Not a pharmacy, the goddamn Walgreens. The people that owned it. I don't know what happened to her. I don't even remember her name. Anyway, keep up the good work Patrick Wilson I already forgot what you're doing and who you are.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Busy Philips is Helpful

Busy Phillips dressed like a pinata at some charity thing. I'm not sure what the charity was for maybe it was Pinatas for Quinceañeras or whatever.  That dress cost $700 in case you were wondering. Is she related to the Mamas and Papas people? Probably because only a stupid hippie would name their kid "Busy".  Is she on TV or is she in movies. Broadway plays? Maybe she's a rap artist like everyone else nowadays. Somebody knows, get them on the phone.

Chris Cornell Dead

Soundgarden singer Chris Cornell died. He was 52. They're saying it was "sudden, and unexpected" and it usually is. Especially to the person that actually died. And I'm no doctor but I'm going out on a limb and guess it had something to do with drugs. Wouldn't that be a shock? When the autopsy reports come back I'll update this if I remember. The grunge era died that day. Not like back in 2001 when it really died.

!!!PRE-POSTING UPDATE!!! Apparently he was on drugs and hanged himself. I'm as surprised as you.



Thursday, May 18, 2017

Pamela Anderson is Done with the Back 40 Y'all

Normally I'm a huge defender of women in their 30's, 40's and in the case of Sandra Bullock, Halle Berry, and Christie Brinkley, even into their 50's and 60's. But Pamela Anderson looks weird to me. It's probably just the picture. Or maybe it's because she looks like she's attending a debutante ball during the civil war. Say hi to Jebediah for me.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Liv Tyler is Going to be Huge

Remember Liv Tyler? Boy I sure do. Here she is at a showing of Kate Moss' new jewelry release party or whatever they call it when someone has a jewelry line named after them. What do you think, Kate Moss sits around in a lab coat while wearing one of those magnifying glasses over her eye and designs jewelry? I don't know Kate Moss but I promise she isn't. And has Liz always had such a big face?  She is 39 maybe that's why women don't get offered movie roles once they hit a certain age. "What about Cameron Diaz? Can we put her in this movie?"  "No she's getting a big face."  Hollywood is full of jerks.

Ben and Amy End it All

Amy Schumer and Ben Schumer broke up. I'm not sure his last name is Schumer and I didn't check even though it's part of the title of this linked story then again I don't care what his last name is and you'll never hear about him from this point forward anyway so why should I bother to learn it? They look like every dumbshit 20 something couple you'd see in Edison Park in Chicago. They all dress up like that for a night on the town, they're all upper-middle class and SUPER white. You know those "white girl drunk" jokes? Like that. Imagine a lot of paper tiaras and people high fiving and getting wacky.  alright I've pissed myself off now good luck with your break up Ben and Jerry it's a shame because I loved your ice cream.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Saturday Jennifer Aniston Post

It's Saturday and I really haven't written much lately and the same usual boring stuff is happening. "Trump", "I hate Trump" "The end times are here because Trump is president" blah blah blah. Jesus who knew the internet was so full of crybaby pants wetters. Can't you shut up for five goddamn minutes?  So anyway here's Jennifer Aniston without her "husband" Jackson Thorax or whatever that idiots name is. Why? Who knows maybe she caught a glimpse of me washing my motorcycle with my shirt off and finally decided to ditch that boring, leather pants wearing dud. I was going to write a few sentences alluding to her nipples but I don't have the brain power for that nonsense right now  so just look at them. I'm not here for your entertainment.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Long Live Salma Hayek

Salma Hayek attended a party in Venice. They didn't mention which Venice so it's either Venice California, Venice Florida, or Venice Italy. Take your pick they're all the same to me anyway. It also didn't mention what the party was for, but judging by her clothes, I assume it was to celebrate her coronation as the new queen of Alice in Wonderland

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Helen Hunt Will Swallow Your Soul

This picture was labeled "Helen Hunt Looks Fabulous in Crepe Figure Hugging Dress" And I thought, "yeah she does look kind of creepy."

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Michael Parks 1940-2017

Adios Michael Parks.

Pippa Middleton's Father is Named Mike

This is Pippa Middleton's dad because of course he is. He couldn't be more Pippa Middleton's father if he was driving around in an old Rolls Royce while wearing a monocle carrying a British flag, drinking tea and smoking a fancy pipe.  There's no story here really. At least not one that I read anyway. Maybe he's still mad at The Sex Pistols.

Monica Belluci is 52

Here's Monica Belluci with Bigfoot at the Premier of her new movie On Milky Something...I'll be honest I'm not sure what it's called because I'm more likely to see a UFO laser battle than this pile of garbage. The story I'm not linking called her sexy at 52 years old and also a "Bond Girl" but once again I don't know which James Bond movie she was in since most James Bond movies after Live and Let Die pretty much suck and if I watch them at all it's only because I'm trying to learn new tricks to keep up my spy game. You hear that ladies? I'm a spy. I learned that from James Bond. Brag to everyone about being a spy and the ladies will swoon.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Jon Hamm Forgot His Underwear

Joe Hamm went for coffee or maybe to buy stamps and he didn't wear underwear. I suppose because he wants you to know he has a big dick. I'm a creep and even I wouldn't leave the house without wearing underwear what's this dude's deal. I don't even remember what movies this guy was in but hey, if you want to be known for having a big dick that's cool with me. I suddenly realized that I called him Joe instead of Jon. That's his name right? Jon? Have fun with your big dick Jeff. No one cares.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Bob Geldof Blah Blah Blah

Bob Geldof something something Queen Elizabeth...Donald Trump... Who knows what this guy is complaining about now. They still call him the Boomtown Rats singer even though the Boomtown Rats' biggest hit was in 1979, 38 years ago when ABBA was still selling out stadiums, and they broke up 32 years ago. Here's an example of what I'm getting at. Using the same timeline when the Boomtown Rats broke up in 1985 the biggest musical hit 32 years prior to that was Rock Around the Clock by Bill Haley and the Comets. Do you think you would have listened if Bill Haley of the Comets was talking politics in 1985? I don't understand why Bob Geldof's opinion holds any weight anywhere. Because of Live Aid? Whatever Bob, you just keep looking like you have the flu and I'll keep ignoring you.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Saturday Sienna Miller Post

Sienna Miller was at the "Panthere De Cartiere watch fête" last night which I didn't know how to spell so I just copied and pasted it into this paragraph. If you want to know what it is, try Google because I'm done wrestling with that. And I don't think I've ever written about her before which is sort of surprising since she meets all of the basic criteria. She's a celebrity that's in movies I don't see, she has those cute dimple things when she smiles, she's over 35, very attractive, blonde, and not wearing a bra. Congratulations for finally joining the in-crowd Sienna Miller.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Nikki Reed is Having a Baby!

Nikki Reed was in the Twilight "saga" which of course I never saw because I'm not a 15 year old girl, and I suppose everything is a saga now if there's more than one. Like my testicles. You could say I have a Testicle Saga. Anyway like I said, I never saw it of course because I'm normal. But good for her. You should know she looks exactly like this friend that used to work with me named  "TF" in that picture that she shared on her Instagram. I mean exactly. I don't know who's kissing her belly I guess probably her husband Ian Somerhalder which would make sense. He was in some piece of crap on The CW. I'm not even going to bother looking it up because seriously who gives a shit. At one point he said.
In 10 years I’m probably going to be living on a ranch in Wyoming, and you’ll never hear from me again,” he said.
Please. Like anyone had heard of him before. Why don't you move there tomorrow so we don't have to read anymore of this garbage. Have fun with your baby in Wyoming you off the grid survivalist weirdos. And of course I covered up Instagram comments with some guy that has me blocked even though I have no idea who he is.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Stephen Colbert is in Trouble



 Some people are calling for Stephen Colbert to be fired because of what they're describing as a "homophobic" joke about Donald Trump...
 "Sir, you attract more skinheads than free Rogaine,” Colbert said near the end of the insult-laden rant. “You have more people marching against you than cancer. You talk like a sign language gorilla that got hit in the head. In fact, the only thing your mouth is good for is being Vladimir Putin’s c–k holster.”
I don't know. I guess that's a "joke". I agree though he should be fired. Not because of homophobia but because he isn't funny.

P Diddy is Immortal

I didn't know the Met Gala was a costume party. The proof came when P Diddy showed up dressed as Blackula with a cape and everything.

!!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!!  I wrote this on Monday or maybe yesterday and then forgot to post it in case you thought the Met Gala went on non-stop for three days which is entirely possible because no one even knows what it is so it may go on all year around who can tell.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Gwyneth Paltrow is All Smiles

Gwyneth Paltrow was at the Met Gala on Monday, so...yesterday I guess, doing whatever it is they do there. Judging by the picture I'd say they stand around grinning like idiots. I've written about the Met Gala before but I didn't bother to figure out what it was for then either. If you enjoyed this post about The Met Gala check back next year when I write about it again.