Jennifer Aniston is a Mystery

 Jennifer Aniston got all dolled up right down to her shoes (Britney Spears should take notes about the shoes) and good lord she's attractive. You realize she's nearly 60 years old now, right? 

It was for the premier of her new movie "Murder Mystery 2" a couple days ago, and I just forgot about it. Sorry.  It co-stars Adam Sandler who got dressed up like he's going to eat Buffalo Wings at Hooters.

I just don't understand how a woman that looks like that stays single. I'm not old fashioned and saying a woman needs to be with a man, but let's face it, she could walk into just about anywhere, point at a guy and say "I want that one" and it's a done deal. I understand how someone like Adam Sandler would still be single deep into his 50s but her? It's entirely possible that shes a really horrible person. It seems unlikely but you never know with Hollywood people. Often what you see is a paper thin veneer hiding what they're really like. I'm not saying it's true it's just a possibility I'm throwing out there. 

It's also possible she's a demented sex freak and her past husbands couldn't deal with it. A lot of guys are really weak and can't handle what they perceive as "abnormal" but not me. You can be as "abnormal" with me as you want, I'm just saying, Jen, I'm cool with it.

 But after all this time I'm starting to suspect two things. She's really not very nice, or she's gay. Please lord let it be the gay thing. Or at least Bi. Call me Jen,  we can talk about it

Justine Bateman Ages Gracefully

 Justine Bateman says she likes her "old face". In case you don't know she's Jason Bateman's sister and was on a sitcom called Family Ties 40 years ago. Honestly and I'm not kidding I thought she died. But no she just looks like she did. She's 57. Not 77. 

 Especially if you consider other people in their mid-50s

 Jennifer Aniston (54)  Donna D'Errico (56) Sandra Bullock (58)

 

That's the face of a drinker right there. A bourbon drinker. That isn't natural aging. And don't forget her brother. Who, even though he irritates the fuck out of me, still looks normal, and they share the same genetic material. 

Whatever I'm glad she's happy with her bourbon face - I mean - old face.

Hanna and Haley Cavinder are Famous

 

Hanna and Haley Cavinder are taking TikTok by storm!! YAAAWWWWN.

The "Final 4" for women's college basketball is in four days so I hope you're planning to do something else besides make kissy faces and wear bikinis on Instagram because people routinely live to be 100 years old now and you don't want your life to peak at 22. And there's an extremely limited audience for women's basketball no matter what your coach is telling you. 

And you gotta get ahead of this now especially if you're only mildly attractive in that potentially lesbian way that happens to most female athletes. Who knows, you may want to get married and have kids some day and if you want to give birth to actual children you need a man for that despite what the internet is telling GenZ people nowadays.

Myleene Klass is Somebody

 Oh look. Another totally average woman that thinks she's way hotter than she is, that has an Instagram page where she uploads pictures of herself in various bikinis. What will the world think of next.

Important Reese Witherspoon News!

 !!!BREAKING!!! 

Reese Witherspoon and her husband Jim Something are getting divorced. In a prepared statement Reese had this to say...

"Let's face it, the guys a fucking nerd I don't need that albatross around my neck anymore"

Sorry pal, these things happen maybe you should move on Reese already has. In fact wee have a date tomorrow. I guess you're truly out.  Better luck next time

Dua Lipa is Talented

 Dua Lipa must have a new album coming out. Know how I can tell? She put on a bikini and posted pictures everywhere. What a marvelous talent. I've still never heard even one second of a Dua Lipa song and there is no way in the world you're going to make me.

Taylor Swift Keeps on Truckin'

 The story that triggered this talked about Taylor Swift's legs, but then didn't show any pictures of Taylor Swift's legs thereby rendering this entire story moot. I had to steal that picture from Google, for all I know it's not even her body. I think they had a video at the original story or something but Taylor Swift walks like a truck driver that's why you very, very seldom see videos of Taylor Swift actually walking anywhere. Don't believe me? Just watch this. You have to pay attention it happens fast. I looked for other videos of her walking but I decided to not do that. IF you want to see them, try YouTube, you have a computer you can look yourself

A Change Gonna Come for Marvin Gaye (Yes I Know That's Sam Cooke)

 Marvin Gaye filed for divorce from his wife Jane Doe or whatever, which came as a total shock to everyone but especially me because I thought Marvin Gaye died in the 1980s. Maybe he filed in Heaven? Maybe you can't party with hot dead chicks if you're still married? I have no idea I've never read the Bible.

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!! It turns out this is Marvin Gaye III. So Marvin Gaye Jr. Jr. Jr. if you will and NOT the actual Marvin Gaye.. Godspeed Marvin Gaye the Third's marriage.

Christina Ricci is Cursed

 Christina Ricci gave up the fast paced Hollywood lifestyle to become the lady that hands out Egyptian curses when someone violates a pharaohs crypt. I hear that's not exactly something you choose to do on your own,  but it's bestowed upon you by a raven that lands on your windowsill three times during a full moon. I wish her all the best during the upcoming 4000 years.  

 I hope I spelled her name correctly, I wouldn't want her to unleash thousands of haunted scarabs in my house or whatever they do. 

Site Update

 I have two stories written but believe it or not I forgot to post them, so I'll just save them for tomorrow. They aren't really time-sensitive or anything.

By the way, the woman in that picture is 1940s and 50s era (mostly) actress Ava Gardner. I only mention it because I knew you'd never know because you people think Hollywood started with The Office or Family Guy, or whatever TV show you've allowed to become your entire personality. 

Jessica Chastain Kills

 See now this is how you do it. Jessica Chastain showed up at the Oscars looking like a 1950s Femme Fatale. Like Veronica Lake or Gene Tierney or something. All sunny, and innocent, until she stabs you for the secret plans  while she's wearing one of those hats with the net on it. We need more of this and not those dead-eyed mannequins we're getting so much of today

Hunter Schafer Death Stare

Hunter Schafer's wax figure showed up at the Oscars. They barely got her off the truck in time. To be fair it was a last minute thing because she might've melted under the lights.  Is it just me? Or is someone telling these women to do that. She looks like a mannequin. I don't mean how they're dressed I mean the blank, expressionless face. Like a Stepford Wife or something. Am I only just now noticing this? I can't be because I've written about this kind of thing years before

 It's not all of them, just the really "young"actresses, like her and Julia Fox and Sydney Sweeney. I realize I'm ancient but does this come from social media? Like is this what they learned growing up, from taking selfies or whatever? There's zero humanity there, it's just... blank. It's really gross. Stop it.

 

 

 

Leonardo DiCapro's Rose

 This is apparently Leonardo DiCaprio's new girlfriend. Her name is Rose... Something. I knew her full name then forgot because really in a couple weeks who will care. She's very attractive and thank God she's 28 years old, still well below my threshold of 35 but still, at least you could talk to her about something besides that time she got scared by a bee. 

I have to tell you I feel like her being 28 is Leo trying to throw everyone of the trail because I bet he's already got his eye on some 19 year old that's hanging around the liquor store hoping she can convince someone to by her a 12 pack of White Claw for Jim's party once he drops his parents off at the airport

Jared Leto is Trendy

People are still talking about Jared Leto. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe he has a new line of ponchos called Jacket Letos or something. See? That was right off the top of my head. If you guys need anything named just let me know. I'm probably at least as well known as Jared Leto these days

Halle Beyriley

 So nobody - not a single person in Hollywood - thought to mention to Halle Bailey that there was already a kind of famous actress named Halle Berry? Are these two going to have to step into The Octagon and whoever wins keeps the name?

Penelope Cruz has Resting Eastern European Face

 Penelope Cruz is hot right? Even if she is starting to look like a mean old lady that would yell at you because your baseball accidentally flew into her vegetable garden. Fuck you Mrs Walsh.

Emergency Fergie Post

 

It's very weird, I was just thinking about Fergie the other day. How I was thinking about her is none of your business. And I mean the Fergie on the right, not the one on the left. I guess everyone changes, and sometimes you evolve into other interests. Her new interest seems to be "crazy bag lady walking to the grocery store because she missed the bus".  Of course she has a mask strapped under her chin, who doesn't in 2023 right?

I don't know how you go from "Renaissance Statue" to.... whatever that is, but I guess sometimes life is funny like that.

Eva Longoria is a Loner

 I haven't written about Eva Longoria in a while and now seems as good a time as any. Frankly I would have said just wear the blazer and the heels and nothing else, but this isn't about me. Do you know what's always, always missing from the pictures of these women? Their husbands/boyfriends. Why is that? Is that intentional? I have to assume that it is. If she was my wife I would... listen never mind. I'm sure her husband is some dork that gets manicures and probably has a ponytail like an idiot or something.

I learned that she's 5'1 when I was looking to see if she speaks Spanish which she does. You may not think either one of those things are important but they are to me. I won't tell you why because that's private and I'm not the one on trial here.

Miley Cyrus Dives

 Miley Cyrus is hot, right? She's hot like the girl that's gyrating alone near the jukebox at one in the morning in a local roadside bar with the pool table and the fishing rod displayed behind the bar and old black and white pictures of guys on hunting trips from the 70s that's otherwise filled with fat, old alcoholics wearing leather vests and flannel shirts, and haggard looking old women with bad hair. If it sounds like I know what I'm talking about it's because I do.  

It's something you should try to experience at least a couple of times.

Wendy Williams is Buggin

 Former trash talk show host Wendy Williams was out walking around. They don't say what she was doing besides just walking around. Maybe she saw a ghost or a really handsome guy. 

Bebe Rexha is Shiny

 Remember Bebe Rexha? Boy I sure do. Well, her handlers managed to stuff her into a "nude" body suit for reasons unknown to me. Probably for a "music" video, but it may have been a bet. Either way they pulled it off. Congratulations.

Molly Sims in a Bikini

I deleted 10 stories I'd been saving to write about because they seemed super relevant five days ago, but I decided to at least save the pictures of Molly Sims. Can you figure out why? She seems sober for once so I figured, why not? You know what's always missing from these pictures? Her husband. I wonder why that is. But we don't care where that bad man is do we Molly? No of course not. 

Come over here and have another Tom Collins... whoopsie! Oh look at this... all over your bikini. I got it on me too. Hey why don't we get ourselves cleaned up in the pool house.

Britney Spears has Bad Taste

 Britney Spears has horrible taste in shoes. And men. Bbut back to the first thing. Black, strappy high heels? Definitely yes, but with that dress? You know what would have looked better? The same shoe but in silver. I'll tell you what Brit, get all your high heels together and bring them over with that dress and we'll see what works best. Bring that fur thing too.