!!!BREAKING AARON CARTER NEWS!!!

 Aaron Carter broke up with his girlfriend. Oh woe is me. I thought he was gay or something. Didn't he say that? Or was that just pandering bullshit, which seems more likely the case. He had sex with that woman?  He must have because she had a baby. That's exactly the opposite of being gay. Here's a new rule, if you're a famous celebrity that comes out as gay or bisexual we need some kind of pornographic, photographic proof or you get shipped off to Siberia never to come back. Time to put your "money" where your mouth is and when I say money, I mean penises. 

 You can't just say "Oh look! I'm gay now!" just so you can sell a few extra albums, or movie tickets, no way. So suck it or get the fuck out. I hardly even remember what Aaron Carter is famous for. Maybe he's famous for that face tattoo that I'm sure he doesn't regret at all. In fact I thought it was a giant scab like maybe he fell down the stairs at an all gay orgy or something.

Fashion Awards Aren't

 There was a fashion awards show, I think it was called Fashion Awards 2021 and a bunch of try hards showed up trying to be sexy or whatever they think they're doing and failing miserably. 

Clockwise from the top are, Demi Moore, X-Files lady (I think), some asshole, some asshole, Kate Beckinsale, Golf Club Legs, Crack Head, Other Assholes, She Hulk, and last but not least, some asshole. 

Save that picture for your files because five years from now you might remember two of those people. There's your Fashion Awards 2021 wrap up. I hope you enjoyed reading about it as much as I enjoyed uploading that picture and typing these words.

Mick Jagger has Magic Glasses

 Mick Jagger put on his "miracle glasses" and stepped out on his balcony with his girlfriend that's FORTY FOUR years younger than him. I normally don't discuss age gaps but that's not an age gap, that's a lifetime gap. That's a whole middle aged person age difference and I can not possibly imagine they have anything in common. Mick Jagger lived an entire lifetime and was 44 years old on the day she was born in 1987. By the way I didn't learn her name and I'm not going to either. If the roles were reversed, I couldn't imagine having sex with a 78 year old woman.

!!!BREAKING UPDATE!!!

I learned her name by accident. Melanie Hamrick? I think?

Anyway, back to the glasses...

Priced between £130 and £300, they cast an artificial blue light over the face and eyes which, it is claimed, improves mood, regulates sleep and eases depression, anxiety, chronic pain and seasonal affective disorder.

 Boy you people get stupider every day, it's unbelievable. You're the ones that fall for those "bankers hate this one trick" advertising. Someone has too, if they didn't work they wouldn't do them. But go ahead, put on your magic glasses, maybe they'll help protect you from Orbican or whatever Covid strain you totalitarian hypochondriacs are worried about now.

Nicki Minaj is Doing Something

 Nicki Minaj was on some show on Bravo but I don't watch that channel because I like girls. I just thought she had pretty eyes and a nice smile otherwise... no thank you. Sorry, I just think that's off putting to say the least. I hope your new show works out for you, whatever it's about.

Bella Thorne is Shocking NUDE

 Bella Thorne is a boring woman that turns up in the celebrity rags every couple a days because she has a habit of posting pictures of herself in various bikinis on Instagram. They call her "an American actress, model, and singer" (the triple threat) but I've never seen her do any of those things. I guess I've seen her model, she's doing it right there but who cares. She's exceedingly average. 

I can go to any shopping mall right now and find probably ten, 24 year old women that are better looking than her. And probably twice as exciting too. On the other hand she is 24 years old and we all know how they are these days. It would probably be like talking to that guy they have strapped to the bed in One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest.

Olivia Jade is Still Somebody

 Remember Olivia Jade? Probably not. She's an "influencer" that became actually famous - at least momentarily - because her mom bought her way into college and then went to prison for doing her that favor.  I wonder if she ever got coronavirus? So anyway, life went on, everybody except dumb 20 year olds forgot Olivia Jade existed, and her arc concludes with her (Olivia) taking her chicken legs and appearing on Dancing With the Stars. Which is pretty much what washed up celebrity - "celebrity" - types do these days. I didn't even know that was still on TV.

 I don't know whether she won or lost because the only thing I care less about than Olivia Jade is whoever Pete Davidson is dating now, especially since he seems mostly attracted to skanks. Which, believe me, I totally understand, I suppose it's a phase we all go through. Fortunately for me I don't need to see the skanks I dated on Yahoo! News or wherever the fuck they write about these gross people.

Elle Evans Needs New Music

 

Matt Bellamy took his wife Elle Evans somewhere. Judging by their clothes I'd guess it was a Spacehog concert.  But I'm pretty sure they did something else I just don't know what. He's 43 and she's 31, did you know that? Pretty neat huh. Too bad they look like he's 53 and she's 41 but they're English and they always look 10 years older than they are so who's lying, them? Or me. I'm not suggesting Elle isn't hot, she obviously is I mean just look at her in her outfit she got at Hot Topic that morning. So listen Elle, if you get tired of that Bozo and want to go to a really good concert for once, just give me a call.

.

Jesse James Decker has Awful Taste in Clothes

 I write about Jesse James Decker a lot now, but I won't if she keeps wearing those shoes. And that dress? I mean c'mon. You need to let me dress you Jess (I call her Jess), you'd be shocked at how good I would be at it. Want to try? It'll be fun!

Lady Gaga. Horse Face

Remember when I said Lady Gaga went back and forth between being attractive and being really weird looking? Look, I brought receipts as the kids say. She was with Adam Driver at something for some movie called House of Gucci I think, and who gives a fuck. I can't believe I have to keep talking about these two camel faced assholes, and that I have to keep writing this ridiculous blog.

 It was for his 38th birthday I believe. Happy birthday Andre Previn. Here's a little tip for Lady Gaga. Maybe lay of the salt, if you know what I'm getting at tubby.

Site Update

 I don't have anything ready "for print" just now, BUT I am working on an opinion piece about the latest on Superwhore Kim Kardashian and noted comic crack head Pete Davidson. Remember it's just my opinion, but it's most likely correct since it usually is. I'll hit the PUBLISH button this afternoon as son as it's done. I don't do too many of these but this one will be easy.

Happy Anniversary

 Today is the day in 1978 that Jim Jones and all of his followers offed themselves in the steaming jungles of Guyana. This is where the phrase "drink the Kool-Aid" comes from even though it was actually grape Flavor-Aid laced with cyanide they chugged. Honestly, if you're stupid and gullible enough to join a cult, you probably should kill yourself. Good riddance and godspeed socialist warriors.

Heidi Klum Looks Bad

 I'm only writing about Heidi Klum again so soon because what she's wearing looks awful. This high-waisted fad has got to end. I mean that really looks horrendous, and she's Heidi Klum. Imagine how bad they look on yo- I mean a regular person.

Young Dolph Dead

 Hugely WORLD FAMOUS rapper "Young Dolph" was gunned down in Memphis. Which sounds kind of like a cool song title: "Gunned Down in Memphis". He's dead of course, so I guess he probably doesn't think it's cool. This is the only time I ever think about rappers so the old saying "no press is bad press" holds true. Except in this case because he's dead. I hope he willed his silver jewelry to somebody that will treat it with the respect it deserves (buries it in the yard).

Heidi Klum Rocks

Heidi Klum was on a photo shoot in Greece. No one said what the photo shoot was for, so I'll assume she was dressed up to go see the Winger concert at The House of Blues and both things just sort of dovetailed. The best thing about those horrible 80s/early 90s bands is, all the women that were in their 20s when those bands were popular are now MILFs in their late 40s and up and they like to get dressed up like total sluts to go see them in concert. Plus by this time they usually despise the now fat oaf they felt pressured to marry in 1995 so it's pretty much like shooting fish in a barrel. If you're interested Heidi, I could take you to see some really awful bands.

Britney Spears Got Back

 Britney Spears talked about how BOTH of her parents should be in jail over her conservatorship, and then 5 minutes later posted a picture of her ass on Instagram. If you ask me that sounds like a mind that's already starting to unravel. "YOU SHOULD BE LOCKED UP! By the way here's my ass" See what I mean? It's crazy talk. Maybe she's drunk all the time

By the way I linked the story so you could read it there so I don't have to describe it here. Admit it, you won't. I didn't and I'm supposed to. 

!!!UPDATE!!!! I fixed the link so go ahead and click on the yellow words. I picked the first working link I saw so good luck with it

Lady Gaga is Dull as Dishwater

Lady Gaga blah blah Gucci, blah blah red dress etc. etc. I'm only writing this because I saved it a couple of days ago, but now don't remember why. I think Lady Gaga and her manufactured weirdness is boring, I think she's boring, I think she goes back and forth between being attractive, and being really weird looking. I think she's a good singer at best, and I do not care about her at all. Like seriously not even a little. If Lady Gaga disappeared today, never to be seen again, I wouldn't even notice.

Carol Vorderman is Drunk

 Carol Vorderman got dressed up so she could "go out drinking" (their words not mine) in Liverpool which sounds like a really, really bad thing to say about a 60 year old woman. On the other hand this seems to be an actual problem in the UK.  (apparently that link doesn't work anymore but I'm not fixing. It was about women drinking in the UK)... Yes I think that's a problem. I hate to be the one to break this to you but if you're over 18, winding up face down in the gutter isn't a good goal to have. Of course a drunk hot woman is also a good thing and you know exactly what I'm talking about, so you can see where my theory starts to break down a little bit.  

And to this day I have no idea who she is or why they keep talking about her. Because she's attractive and 60? I... guess...? I don't know why that's news these days but I guess it is. C'mon over Carol, we can talk about this over a gigantic bottle of whiskey you goddamn booze hag. 

 

 

Queen Letizia Has Class

 

Queen Letizia of Spain went to the opera with some guy, probably the King of Spain. Partenope, by Handel. You know who he is. It's this guy...  I'm not a fan of opera. Just thought you'd like to know that.

Anyway, effective today I'm not writing anything about someone if they're wearing a mask. I'll no longer be part of this ridiculous nonsense. No one is saying you have to stop wearing them, hell, you can walk around in a sombrero made out of tortilla chips for all I care. Frankly that would probably do about as much good so you may as well.

Alec Baldwin is Safe

 Alec Baldwin walked around with his family in New York. Hey at least he's wearing a mask so everyone is safe. Just don't give him a gun I guess.

Taylor Swift is Leggy

 See? My "Women get better looking after 30" rule is in full swing. Taylor Swift is 31 and is about to be 32 in December. I think her legs actually got longer too. I heard she's like 7 feet tall. Lord she's attractive. That picture is from when she was on The Tonight Show this week so it's brand new.  I have no idea why anyone goes on The Tonight Show anymore I know literally nobody that watches it. I don't think I ever even hear about anyone that watches it. "Did you see The Tonight Show?" is a question I haven't heard uttered out loud since my grandparents died. 

Fuck this, I want to talk about Taylor Swift's legs some more

I like her being dressed like Cleopatra. How about I be your slave boy. What do you say Taylor. I don't have any money but you do so it shouldn't bother you that much.

Jordana Brewster has Bad Taste in Clothes

 Jordana Brewster put on her best potato sack and went out to dinner with some guy. Probably her husband or boyfriend. The shoes are okay but they'd be better if the heel was just an inch higher so a big miss over all around here. Yeah I don't know her either, I guess she was in some Fast and Furious movies but I've never seen any of those because I can read and write.

Jesse James Decker Suddenly Apears

 So Jesse James Decker is appearing in my area. I thought she was a stripper or something, but I guess she's a country music person. I'll be honest, if I pay $170 to see her she better be naked. 

I've written about her a lot more than I realized. But I mean... can you blame me? I mean, shit..

Kendall Jenner Ripped to Shreds

 Kendall Jenner put on a dress that only Kendall Jenner and whatever slagheap shithead she's dating this month would think was sexy. She's 26 years old so I guess I can cut her a little slack but not very much. I'd be more willing to overlook this "fashion" choice if she was 19 or 20 or even 22, but 26? I think that's pushing it a little. Time to grow up, unless of course you think Fredrick's of Hollywood's "Porno Collection" is something you should wear out to dinner than more power to you. At least it gives me a visual notification of who to avoid. And what's with Hailey Bieber's dress? Are you seeing that? Aren't these people multi-millionaires? That's the best they can do?

Travis Scott is Horrible

 What kind of person goes to Dave and Busters?

Miley Cyrus is Trendy

Miley Cyrus went to a film festival dressed like and 11 year old's bed. I'm honestly not sure why people still talk about her, but they do, and so here we are. I have to be careful because I'm getting very close to adding her to the "Never Write About Again" list and while I bitch about doing this, it's a fun hobby so I have to leave someone off that list or I'll have to find something else to talk about and as I said before, I like looking at pictures of women aged 35 and up in very little clothing.

Dua Lipa is Boring

 Dua Lipa posted more "sexy snaps" on her Instagram. Usually I link their account, but not today. You're holding a phone or sitting at a computer, you do it. And you guys know you can look at pictures of hot girls without buying their shitty music right? I don't understand this at all. There are girls - even on Instagram - that make her look like a boy, why are you doing this? You will never make me understand this. If Dua Lipa was truly musically groundbreaking, or shit, anything but middling, none of this would be necessary. Janis Joplin was already dead for two years by the time this image was published. You know why? She didn't need to get attention this way.  Would she eventually? I have no idea. I can't read minds and certainly not the mind of a dead person. Whatever, I think I'm done writing about this person now too. Pretty soon there won't be anyone left.

Alyssa Milano is Yammering

 Alyssa Milano says a lot of people had access to her vagina. I 'm not sure when this happened or what prompted this confession, but I'm disappointed because I wanted access to her vagina and I was never notified. 

 

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!! 

I had to walk away from this for a minute and I accidentally closed the tab that had the original story was. Open. On my PC... thingy. I did a search to try to find it again so I could add some quotes from her about this revelation but I stopped caring about this four minutes ago. Whoever knows what the fuck this dingbat is talking about and I'm for sure not here to decipher it.

Kim and Pete Might be an Item

Sideshow freak and 41 year old Gen Xer Kim Kardashian may or may not be dating 27 year old Millennial shithead Pete Davidson and there isn't one single thing in the universe that I couldn't possibly care less about. If you want more proof of this relationship, try Googling it. Or look in the dumpster behind that shitty strip club in Glendale Heights. They might know something.

Dan Levy Has Anxiety Because He's Canadian

 "Schitt's Creek" "star" Dan Levy says he has anxiety, because of course he does. He wouldn't be a gay, white Canadian guy if he didn't...

And in the December/January issue of British GQ, Dan Levy has revealed that he had to wear a neck brace while filming Schitt's Creek due to severe anxiety, and needed an acupuncturist and a chiropractor on set every day. 

A neck brace? For anxiety? Okay that doesn't sound like "anxiety" that sounds like lunacy. How does going to a chiropractor help with anxiety? Do you people ever even hear yourselves?  I guess I'd have anxiety too if the only reason I got famous was because my dad was famous before me.I joked the other day that I never saw Schitt's Creek even though I did watch one episode, and I thought I might give it a second chance since you NPCs blather on about it like Moses threw it it down from the mountain, but no way I'm doing that now.

KRISTY SWANSON HAS COVID

 !!!BREAKING NEWS!!! Kristy Swanson has Covid! OH MY GOD. It's weird how she just looks kind of like an older version of her self. Like this, just older. By that I mean you can still tell who she is. I had Covid and nobody gave a shit. YOU probably had Covid and maybe didn't even know. And nobody gave a shit. 47 million people in the US have had Covid.  That's one in six people. So if you meet 6 people today, at least one of them will have, or has had or has Covid. And I'm sure plenty more will get it since evidentially the vaccine (which I got) appears to be mostly useless. At least judging from what I hear. So a booster? No thanks. I'm done. I had Covid, I wore a mask, and I got the vaccine. I followed the rules so we're done here. I've done my part so you can quit bitching at me and go find something else to occupy your time. Move along.
 

Anyway, here's the Kristy Swanson news roundup.

1. She's still cute
2. She has Covid

Keep up the good work Kristy! 

Emergency Kate Middleton Post

 Hey look Kate Middleton went somewhere. I think blue is a good color for her. I don't know who that circus freak was next to her, the picture came that way. Maybe it was one of those dying kids celebrities visit for charity or something.

Madonna Likes Baseball

 Madonna is still playing dress up. This time she's *checks notes* Harlequin? Or some kind of superhero. Her face looks different. Like, radically different. Maybe it really is Harlequin. Or maybe it's the angle or the lighting or the surgery I don't know. Whatever, it was something I saw and decided to write about it okay? Seriously, who gives a shit about Madonna anymore. She's slowly turning into Cher. Pretty soon all Madonna will be known for is writing loony, drunken tweets with a lot of misspellings, talking about how she hates the way women are chained in the kitchen, and forced to mop up a dirty floor after her husband comes home from the smelting furnace with his lunch bucket  or whatever these two whack jobs still think is happening in the world outside of their gated compounds.

Site Update

 I had stuff written for yesterday, but I dropped my phone in the toilet the night before and it took a surprisingly long time to sort all of that out It worked fine for the next 24 hours, and then all the sudden I guess it realized it got wet and then stopped working, so I had to go get a new one yesterday and the dick head phone salesman I was dealing with was a total fucking idiot. The guy had a manbag okay? The only way I can describe him is, imagine a 41 year old at Burning Man. Fucking hippie. So he was a moron, that had a superiority complex. It's quite the combination. Anyhoo... buckle up because I have Pulitzer worthy stuff all set to go.

Heidi Klum Is Chilly

 I'm not sure what Heidi Klum was dressing up as for Halloween but I definitely approve. I suppose since Halloween has come and gone I could always look but who really cares. Frankly, unless she was going as The Nipple Witch, what she has on in that picture is more than good enough for me. I don't want to be crude, but she's been a professional model for like 25 years, why haven't I seen her naked yet. I'd really like too I won't lie.

Maura Higgins is Somebody. Boring

 Maura Higgins is some reality show nobody in England and also she's about the 10 millionth woman to dress up as the Pamela Anderson character "Barb Wire" from the movie of the same name for Halloween. Have any of these people even seen this movie? I honestly never have, and I'll tell you why. For some reason I was never attracted to Pamela Anderson. I can't explain it and she actually seems kind of cool personally. Maybe because she married Tommy Lee and I can't stand that asshole so maybe it's guilt by association. 

By the way, I clicked on that "Barb Wire" IMDB link I included and I recognize ONE name in that whole cast. Pamela's. Acting has to be the most horrible job in the universe. Some of those poor assholes worked their whole lives up to that point to do one thing, and they probably thought that was their big Hollywood break too, and instead they've spent the last 25 years mixing paint at Home Depot. 

In conclusion, please stop dressing like this for Halloween. It's lame, and it's not even sexy. And I think Heidi Klum is sexy fully clothed, and I can get sexually excited watching a woman drive a motorcycle, so you know I'm being honest. 

Madonna is Still Daring. Kind Of.

Madonna recreated Marilyn Monroe's death for some bizarre reason. Attention most likely.  By the way, that's the actual room where Marilyn Monroe died 60 years ago and some people (idiots mostly) are calling it "shocking" and "distasteful" like they haven't been paying attention to Madonna for the last 35 plus years. I have to be honest, I'm more shocked by how good her ass looks, and not how she recreated someone's death that died. Let's face it that's quite an ass for someone that's 63 years old. Actually, that's quite an ass for someone that's 33 years old. Frankly that's quite an ass for anyone. 

It's not all saggy and you can't see her pelvis like a gross skeleton covered with skin. On a scale of 1-10 I'd give her ass a solid 8. (I avoided the very obvious and extremely easy "8 inches of penis" gag right there) so I say more power to her. Most people under 40 only know Marilyn Monroe from internet pictures anyway.

 On the other hand this blog is full of women aged 50 and up that look better than a lot of 25 year olds. Have you seen some 25 year olds these days? Not a lot of good things happening there. And that's usually the age people are supposed to look their best. Sorry as much as I like purple and green hair it doesn't hide the fact that you apparently spend all weekend chugging beer and eating Little Debbie Swiss Rolls for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Teyana Taylor is Famous (?)

 Teyana Taylor (?) dressed like a leopard unicorn (?) for her very own Halloween party which was also apparently attended by three armed people that tried to rob everyone. Imagine hanging around with the kind of people that would invite you to a party where you could be robbed, and then shot. Sure it sounds hilarious when you describe it, but that's not actually a good thing.  Can we stop elevating this type of behavior now? Please? 

This isn't Elvis being banned from Ed Sullivan for swiveling his hips or The Rolling Stones being asked to change "Let's spend the night together" to "let's spend some time together". These are rappers and gang members mixing and shooting - and sometimes killing each other - in public. Usually over money. This isn't cool, and this isn't "the street".  Doesn't that seem crazy to you? How stupid are you?  When will this type of insanity stop? 

More Rules for Alec Baldwin

 I have an alternate headline for this article. "Alec Baldwin demands new rules for guns on set to protect everybody from him"

 You should've just checked the gun dude. It would have taken 30 seconds. If you had, we wouldn't be having this conversation.