Diane Guerro Something

Want to know how fleeting fame is? At some point in the not all that distant past, Diane Guerro was famous enough for me to write about. I have zero idea what she said, did, starred in, designed, modeled, or cured, but I know I wrote about her because just look at her. And I saved her picture with all the other pictures I've used here, and I only do that if I've actually posted the story.  I don't even remember what I wrote, and a quick search of past stories doesn't point me in any direction. And now for all I know she's the hottest waitress at "Fleshys' Boob Haus". I already have a reservation.

Jason Momoa Fights the Man

Caveman and super hero actor Jason Momoa gave an impassioned speech at the UN concerning climate change...

"Too soon cool and too soon much hot make hunting difficult for tribe." He said. "Water hard to find. Antelope grow small. Baby fewer afraid for future" he continued.

Well shoot, now that noted research scientist and expert climate Doctor Jason "Moomak" Momoa is on board with this fight, who knows, maybe the whole crisis will be averted.

Miley Cyrus is Exciting

Miley Cyrus continued her slow descent into mental illness by acting like a 16 year old high school sophomore AT ThE BeaCh! than a woman pushing 30 at a pool at a resort in Utah. It's prettier than I thought. Utah, not Miley. She captioned the photo with a quote from the movie "Carwash" (?!)

"I'm more of a man than you'll ever be & more of a woman then you'll ever get."

I'm not sure what she means by that or if she even knows what that means, or even why she was watching Carwash. Have you ever seen that? I have a couple of times, it's been a while but if I remember right (and I could be thinking of any one of 100 movies like it released during the 70s),  it's little more than a bigger budget blaxploitaion movie. All the black guys strut around in platform shoes, drive cars with white walls, and have pimp hats with feathers, and all the white people are basically lazy, money grubbing Jews. It's really bizarre and Hollywood would NEVER get away with that today. But it's got Saint Richard Pryor in it so I suppose people look on it more fondly than they normally would. The whole mid to late 70s was a very messed up time.

!!!!IMMEDIATE UPDATE!!!!

 The quote was referencing her break up with whoever she's been fucking since she dumped that dumb actor guy she was married to for a month, Whatsisname. The brother of that guy. Thor or something.

Britney Spears Does Things

Britney Spears stopped to have her picture taken with her boyfriend Sam Asghari while they were out picking up his order of GHB and Rohypnol* and a new giant orange wristwatch and matching Nissan 370Z. "Whatever makes him happy", mumbled Britney through her sedative induced haze.









*This didn't happen

L'il Nas is Still Gay

Geez, I guess L'il Nas really is gay. Good for him.

Hansel and Greta

So here we are. The internet is taking political advice from a developmentally disabled child that isn't old enough to drive a car and as recently as 2011 was probably still writing letters to Santa Claus. None of which really surprises me all that much, have you ever been on the internet?

Jason Statham Will Bash Your Eyes Out

Jason Statham was out, drunkenly mugging pensioners, and vandalizing cars and "post" boxes during another average evening out. What can you do? You can take the futbol hooligan out of Britain, but you can't take the futbol hooligan out to dinner or however that saying goes.

Christina Aguilera is the Red Barron

Christina Aguilera wore a red leather duster to her "iHeart Crappy Music Radio" concert that she's headlining (?) in Las Vegas. Probably to hide her pear shape. Please, you and I both know that if she looked like Jennifer Lopez, her clothes would be so tight they'd have to pump oxygen to her like she was a deep sea diver. And I didn't even know she was still performing "music". Shows how much I know about Christina Aguilera. There were a bunch of other people there too but I barley care about her and it's her concert, do you really think I'm going to talk about them?

Jennifer Lopez is a Fountain of Youth

Some people have themselves all worked up into a tizzy because Jennifer Lopez wore the same dress (sort of) during the Versace show at New York Fashion Week (in it's third month) that she did at the Grammys in the year 2000. They're saying she looks just as good today, but I say she actually looks better. And anyway I don't see what the big deal is, I have t-shirts that I got in 2000 that still fit me. Kind of. Hey it's not my fault I've become more and more muscular over the years.

Lisa Bonet is Still Around

Lisa Bonet dressed up like the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland and tried to steal Beyonce's kids. How should I know what she was going to do with them. Celebrities are all nuts. I'd guess she was going to eat them but I don't know I'm not her mother.

Willow Smith has Abs

The caption of the story where I stole this picture of Will Smith's daughter Willow reads, "Willow Smith Shows Off her Abs". Of course she has abs, she's 18. You're supposed to have abs when you're 18. She hasn't been alive long enough to get fat. 10 years ago she still believed in the Tooth Fairy.

Chrissy Teigen Goes Between Two Ferns

Drunken internet bully Chrissy Teigen was at the premier of piece of shit movie "Between Two Ferns" that she's in, and stars all of the other "precious on the internet" people you could imagine, along with her husband Black Yanni Jr. I'd rather sit in a giant toaster oven, covered in honey and fire ants than see this movie. Oh but I'm sure you'll like it.

Christie Brinkley is on a Hot Ride Ride Straight to Hell

Here's 65 year old Christie Brinkley dressed like a teenager from a 1950's science fiction movie. Maybe she's going for a ride with Johnny in the rumble seat of Goober's car to see the crashed space ship over by Old Man Kelsey's woods. Watch out they might have ray guns.

Kristin Cavallari is in the News

I saved this picture of Kristin Cavallari for reasons I no longer remember. It's getting harder and harder to write about these dead-eyed morons, so I look for stories that seem at least easy to make fun of, but it isn't easy. The media handlers for these D-List idiots are getting smarter at light speed and internet gossip sites are only to happy ti help if it means just a few more people will click a story. It's all about numbers. A site like mine has 10 readers, if I had a 1000 sites like this guess what. Now I have 10,000 readers. That's how numbers games work. That's why some of the sleazier sites still use slide shows. Each page is a different click. And now people become famous for absolutely no reason at all. Do you even know who she is? And if you do, do you know why you know? Sometimes I really get sick of this garbage.

Ric Ocasek Dead at 75

Ric Ocasek of the band The Cars died yesterday and not 10 years ago like you thought.

Mark Jolie or Whatever And Some other Asshole Go To Prison

 !!!UPDATE!!! I tried to fix this 10 fucking times but it keeps putting that white background behind the words so you know what? If you don't want to read it don't because I'm done fucking with this asinine story. These two assholes can rot in an Iranian prison for all I give a shit. This is the kind of shit that ONLY happens when I write these stories on Google's Chrome browser for some reason.




Two Instagram assholes, Jolie King and Mark Firkin, decided to take a trip to show everyone how wrong their attitudes are toward certain Middle Eastern countries so they took their plastic smiles, and their air of smug superiority straight to Iran...

“Our biggest motivation… is to hopefully inspire anyone wanting to travel, and also try to break the stigma around travelling to countries which get a bad wrap [sic] in the media,”

Good for them. Show those stupid idiots in Fly Over Country that their attitudes are all wrong and ignorant, and that people really are kind everywhere.  No wait. Scratch that.  I'll give you one guess what happened next

"...the frequent updates King and Firkin shared to the Instagram account, The Way Overland, they’d set up just for the trip abruptly stopped in late June."

You know why the posts stopped? They were arrested. In Iran. For "illegally flying a drone". And guess what. As far as anyone knows they're still there. In an Iranian prison. Way to go. You hear these stories once in a while about some hippie from Sweden that decides to take a bike trip from Sweden through somewhere to prove the people are kind and winds up getting slaughtered and thrown into a ravine. Or those mentally ill people that climb into tiger cages to prove the tigers are just big misunderstood stuffed animals. But good for them. people love these stories, just not for the reasons they think. 

I sure learned my lesson and now know that I should be a little less judgmental about how things go in the Middle East. Maybe 20 or 30 more of these "influences" can show us. Just so we're sure.

!!!Breaking Chris Hemsworth News!!!

Chris Hemsworth installed a fire pit, or as I like to them - The Idiots Round Table - at his new house. Pretty exciting huh? I think that's it in the round grassy area. Well there's your BIG Chris Hemswroth or whatever his name is news.

Jonah Hill is Scary

Jonah Hill was out walking around New York in his bad ass Marilyn Manson shirt with his knife, and spider web elbow tattoos.Who knew the fat kid from Superbad was such a tough guy.

Lil Kim is Still Somebody

Remember Li'l Kim? Boy I sure don't. Lucky for us she went to an US Weekly Fashion Week Party dressed like a Renaissance pumpkin farmer. I'm not sure who invited her, probably some Gen Xer that was nostalgic for the 90s. I hope she gives everyone there the plague.

Sinead O'Connor Does This

Sinead O'Connor reached the bottom of her descent into madness with the final step being her conversion to Islam. I've been reading stories about her for the last 20 odd years and she obviously has a lot of very serious, very deep, and troubling mental health issues so I think I'll skip writing about her from now on.

Britney Spears Relaxes

Britney Spears posted a picture on her Instagram of her in a bikini (the right one) but she also posted the one on the left and frankly, I like the one on the left better. If it wasn't for her leg being in the air in the right hand photo, judging by the expression on her face, I might wonder if she was dead and they dragged her out of the pool. She just doesn't look so dead-eyed in the left hand picture. She just  looks more like a person. Well there's my opinion on Britney Spears' selfies for the day. Honestly sometimes I wonder why an attractive woman in her 30s as wealthy as she is, is sitting at home taking pictures of herself. It's actually sort of sad isn't it? I guess someone like her can't just go hang out in some bar somewhere, the whole fame thing must be like a gilded prison.

Happy Birthday Cameron Diaz

Cameron Diaz spent her 47th birthday the other day whenever it was walking around pretending to be a robot, but she was dressed like a zombie. You shouldn't mix your cosplay it's confusing.

Umar Kamani is Pretty in Pink

This whole Fashion Week thing has been a gold mine, if what you're looking for are a bunch of guys you shouldn't leave alone with your drink. I don't like blaming the victim but if you look at guys like that and it doesn't set off alarm bells then I don't know what to tell you. Don't they feel ridiculous? I mean, how much money is their dignity worth?

Remy Ma is Also Someone

"Remy Ma" is at Fashion Week too. Judging by the sunglasses and how she's dressed I assume she was there demanding to speak to a manager or someone in charge.

"Saweetie" is a Thing

"Saweetie" was also at Fashion Week, she was "rapping". I guess? I don't know, I've never heard of her, it's all very weird. Sure she's attractive but you see those fingernails? Those nails are a HUGE red flag. An attractive girl like that is going to snag you with her sexy barely there net style, naked outfit and then spend the next 25 years sitting on the couch spearing donuts with those nails while wearing a princess crown until eventually she'll need an oxygen tank and motorized scooter to get around while you work yourself into an early grave. It doesn't happen quickly, it's slow and methodical. Kind of like a spoiled glacier. No thanks I'll pass. See? You have to know things like this, so I hope you're keeping track.

Paris Hilton Does Things

Paris Hilton was doing something at New York Fashion Week which evidently lasts 50 weeks a year now. I've been hearing a lot about it lately and it just seems like something that has no end, like one of those paper infinity loops. I also have no idea why people like me continue writing about Paris Hilton, it seems like such a bizarre thing. She's a mildly attractive, wealthy heiress that had sex on video, people saw it and she was famous for a while and...now can we be done? I don't understand. I write about her because I'm lazy but I'm nobody. Have fun at fashion week doing whatever you do there.

John Mulaney is a "Comic"

If I was given the opportunity, I'd drop everything to punch John Mulaney in the face until I was out of breath. You may continue whatever it was that you were doing.

Angelina Jolie is Hot Stuff

Angelina Jolie went shopping on Thursday in a coat despite the fact that it was almost 90 degrees in sun baked Southern California. She also wore sunglasses inside. It's not as if she was trying to hide, I mean, she looks like Angelina Jolie. She didn't have her hair pulled back and she wasn't wearing a hat or anything. Maybe that's her Attention Coat. "Oh my God it's almost 100 degrees and that drug addict is wearing a coat aren't they sweltering?... Hey wait a second is that Angelina Jolie?"

Sara Sampaio is a Rebel

I've written about Sara Sampaio several times. But I looked at this picture and my first thought was, "man she does NOT want to be there". Wherever she was. Probably marketing perfume to idiots. Hey who knows, maybe she's normal after all.

Bjork Releases Album. Still Alive.

Bjork is releasing a new album, or re-releasing an old album I'm not sure which one and if you think I don't care about the rest of these "celebrities" I write about, you can't even begin to imagine how much I don't care about Bjork.

Spread Out Charlize

Charlize Theron debuted a new haircut she got for "Fast and Furious 9: Morons Unite" I don't know what it's called. The obvious name is the Moe Howard but the people that go see this kind of movie hardly know who John Candy was never mind some guy that died in the 70s. Hell they have a hard enough time trying to keep Fast and Furious fans from eating the garbage off the theatre floor. I don't know why they'd stop them I'm sure it saves clean up time at the end of the night. I don't know this is going nowhere.

Andy Cohen is Somebody

Andy Cohen tried to look as gay as possible while posing with his seven month old son. Congratulations, it worked.

Ahoy Scarlett Johansson

Note: I wrote this of Thursday or Friday and the forgot about it. So here it is in all of it's glory I hope you like it.


Scarlett Johansson joined the Navy. I guess she just felt it was her duty. She said she's hoping to be stationed on an aircraft carrier and if not that maybe at Guam. "There's so much history in the South Pacific, and I just want to walk in Mitzi Gaynor's footsteps" she was quoted as saying.*




*Didn't actually say this

Happy Birthday Salma Hayek

Salma Hayek celebrated her birthday yesterday so happy birthday Salma. I got you a bikini. She turned 53 which proves that age truly is just a number. Well, in her case it is anyway because trust me, I know some 53 year olds that look like two miles of bad road so really I guess it depends on things like how you live, and take care of yourself, kids, job etc., etc. By 53 most guys have turned to the polo/cargo short/belt/gym shoe outfit, and most women have decided "short-haired overweight librarian" is the look they've decided to go with for the rest of their life so like I said. It depends on the person.