Monday, November 20, 2017

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Ben Affleck Wants to talk to You About Insurance Coverage

Ben Affleck looks like he was photographed leaving the top secret location where he's in training to be a stuffy college professor from the 1970's instead of Stephen Colbert's unfunny talk show. His jacket better have those leather patches over the elbows that's all I have to say.

Malcolm Young Leaves Us

AC/DC co-founder, rock god, and the composer of some of the greatest rock songs that ever existed, Malcolm Young passed away just three years after being diagnosed with dementia at age 64. He died surrounded by family. I wonder if all those pantywaists that got all bleary eyed over Prince and David Bowie are going to change their AVI's to Malcolm Young now. I'm going to guess they won't.

Their album Highway to Hell sold 7 million copies. In 1979. That's more than some "superstars" sell today with every conceivable type of social media, video and television help you could possibly imagine. AC/DC still has the second biggest selling album of all time with Back in Black selling more than 40 million copies second only to Michael Jackson's Thriller.  And we're talking in 1980. Assholes like Beyonce sell a measly 500,000 albums and we're told how she's changing the world. Times change I guess. That's the way it goes. See you Malcolm.

Friday, November 17, 2017

Emma Rigby is Sleepy

This is Emma Rigby. She's an actress apparently. They could tell me she was an astronaut and I'd be like "Okay sure whatever you say". It's a still from some new movie she's in called "Who the Fuck Cares" but I saw it as I was scrolling around looking for news and whatever else I could use to grind out another 100% hilarious post I could allow you to read and I stopped so fast the scroll wheel on my mouse broke off in my fingers. I know she's pretty new as far as actresses go (I think), but I'd say she deserves an Academy Award for this performance and I can tell you that without even seeing the movie. Which I never will. I'm rooting for you Elsie!

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Random Post

You could tell me Selena Gomez knew the secret to eternal happiness and that still wouldn't be enough for me to help stop her from falling into an alligator pit.

Lil Peep Can't Make a Peep

"Rapper" "Lil Peep" "Died" from a drug overdose. Such a shame. All that talent and potential wasted.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Britney Spears Looks Okay

Britney Spears posted this picture she took of herself -- otherwise known as a "selfie"-- in her gym on Instagram, and you may be wondering why I care. And if you are wondering why this would make me happy, maybe wait until after the holidays to break the news to your parents.

Melanie Sykes Likes Young Men

Melanie Sykes is a British "TV presenter" which means she's a news anchor? A game show host? Weather/Traffic person? I don't know their language over there is so weird. "Aluminium"? What the Hell is that?? In her latest interview she claims to prefer younger men...
I always go for younger men... I'm very silly.'
Sure, "younger" men. She's rumored to be dating some dipshit named Olly (?). There's only one problem. He's 33 years old. I know mathematically he's younger but c'mon. By the time my Uncle Al was 33 years old he fought in two wars, was married and was on his second kid. By age 33 even I had a job and a mortgage and I'm a goddamn imbecile. I don't know maybe I'm behind the times. Look Melanie, when you're done fooling around with the kids I have a more mature man in mind for you. It's my neighbor John. Nice guy. He's a pretty good carpenter too.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Queen Letizia is Smokin

Spain's Queen Letizia arrived in Mexico for a cancer summit today although I'm not really sure why since I'm pretty sure she isn't a doctor. In fact she used to be some kind of cigarette girl in Mexico. Maybe working the cock fights who knows.  And once again I think maybe it's time America reconsider it's stance on having a royal family. Of course knowing us we'd probably get the chance to pick a queen and it would probably wind up being Rosie O'Donnell or one of those other loudmouths from The View. Way to go America.

Debra Messing Likes Zippers

This story asks "Has Debra Messing had plastic surgery?" Yes. She has. Next question. Is the sky blue? Yes it is. Let's face it if I had the money I would too. Not now of course I'm at the peak of my handsomeness, but some day maybe. If it's necessary. Which I doubt. And I don't know why I'm seeing her everywhere lately, wasn't she on some sitcom like 20 years ago? The problem with some famous people is they never seem to stop being famous, even after you've long forgotten what got them there in the first place. I don't remember what show she was on so I'll just remember her being a world famous motocross champion since I think that would make her a lot hotter anyway.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Sunday Morning Headlines

Does this headline make any sense to you? Because I've read it five times and the only thing I can surmise is someone used the Talk to Text feature on a Speak and Spell. This is the kind of thing I have to put up with when I look for things to write about.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Sunday Morning with Amber Heard

Oooof. I know Amber, I've been there. The sun feels extra hot on your skin doesn't it. A big Gatorade and a couple of Advil will help.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Saturday with Salma Hayek

Salma Hayek went out to dinner with her husband, Francois Buffaloface Pinot or whatever, dressed like every 45 year old woman I ever saw going to a Bret Michaels concert. I'd go with you to a Bret Michaels concert Salma, we could whip batteries at him. C'mon, do you want to pretend to be a bad girl? Or do you want to actually be a bad girl. I know you have it in you, let me show you the way. I'll just need to borrow $200 for a couple of days and then I'll show you a good time baby.

Friday, November 3, 2017

Fetty Wap Commits a Crime

Rapper Fetty Wap, whatever the fuck that means, was arrested for drunk driving early this morning. A New York Police Department spokesperson says...
 “[He was] in the vicinity of Hamilton Avenue driving recklessly at a high rate of speed causing a dangerous condition while racing another vehicle within the confines of the 72 precinct,” the spokesperson says.
 He faces 15 charges in total, including reckless endangerment, drag racing, DUI, driving without a valid license, unsafe lane changing, aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle, following too close, and speeding. All of which probably come with surprisingly harsh punishments. I knew this one lady that got her third DUI and they put her in prison for three years. Not jail. Prison. For three years. Well, whatever they decide they better hurry up and fine him while he still has money.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Andy Dick is Around

Andy Dick has been fired from two movies...
 following allegations of sexual misconduct and harassment involving at least four members of the production. 
The most shocking news about all of this is Andy Dick was going to be in two movies

Monday, October 30, 2017

Yolanda Hadid Does Stuff

This is a picture of Model Bella Hadid's mom Yolanda. Bella Hadid's 53 year old mom. I'd just like to say if I ever said anything bad in any joking manner about Bella or for that matter Gigi Hadid I'm sorry and I take it all back. I was just joshing around you know? It was all shenanigans. Here, let me buy you a drink.

!!!BREAKING NEWS!!! Kevin Spacey is Gay

So Kevin Spacey (seen here holding his Tony Award) came out as being gay. And if this surprises you, you need to get out more.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Chelsea Handler Saves the World

Remember when Cheslea Handler said she was quitting her show so she could be a smarter more politically active person? Or in her words she said she would devote “as much time as I can to becoming a more knowledgeable and engaged citizen.”

She's off to a rip roaring start...

Republican Rep Dana Rohrabacher is a man. From pretty close to where she actually lives in California. For all I know he may actually represent her district. She's not working she has time to Google this stuff doesn't she? Hey it's an easy mistake to make and I probably would've thought he was a woman too because dudes shouldn't be named Dana but I'm not the one that decided I needed to save the world. I think rather than broadcasting the fact that she gets all of her information from tweets that are all basically half truths at best, she should just stand on a corner with a bullhorn and a sandwich board with "THE END IS NEAR" painted on it that way fewer people can watch her embarrass herself. "Hey isn't that Chelsea Handler on that corner?" "Yeah maybe we should cross the street". Hey keep up the good work there Chelsea.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Gwen Stepford and Blake Singleterry Make a Baby

Blake Sheldon and Gwen Stefanie (I'm not checking spelling or even the correct names today fuck you) are trying for a baby girl. Ummmm...Gwen Sheldon is almost 50 years old. I didn't know 50 year old women could have babies. I thought that was nature's way of putting the brakes on everything so we didn't wind up with a population of 8 trillion people. Just because you find a new love of your life, it doesn't mean you have to squeeze out a new tiny human each time, I mean, you two already have a bunch of kids don't you?  Isn't that enough?  We know you can make babies give it a rest. What's with you idiots. Theoretically as a male, I can make babies until I die, all I need is a willing partner and let's be honest, that should be an easy thing for me to find to find especially with a handsome face, strong genes and a powerful back like mine. And if you've ever wondered why no pictures of Gwen Stefani straight on exist, that's why.

Coco Austin is at AXSTV

Coco Austin showed off her gigantic ass for the cameras, which in her case added 30 pounds, while she was at some awards festival, or maybe it was a nightclub I don't know for sure, I was just sifting through garbage, looking for something to talk about and she floated to the top. I think she's married to a rapper but I don't know, or care which one it is. Maybe it's the one that raps about life on the streets. If you know, put it in the comments just keep in mind I never read them so you might be wasting your time.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Marcus Johns is Somebody

Some 24 year old Vine "star" asshole named Marcus Johns has decided to be a director.
 "Growing up I was always directing, but had never consciously labeled myself as a director,"
Growing up? You mean when you were younger like 10 years ago when you were in junior high?  The "star" of a now defunct smart phone app is the new future of Hollywood in case you didn't think things could get any worse there. Good luck Marcus. See you at the "Totally Inclusive Non-Harassing and Bullying Statue Giveaway Formally Known as the Academy Awards".

Matt Damon's Secret Life

Matt Damon joked about a rough sex scene while filming his new movie "Suburbicon". Before I go any further, here is what I think Suburbicon is about. Keep in mind I know only the title of the movie. I have read nothing else whatsoever about it except for the fact that it stars Julianne Moore, and Matt Damon, and the title of the story where he talks about rough sex. I haven't even read that story yet. Okay here goes, here's what I think Suburbicon is about...
Suburbicon is a movie about the stifling reality of living in the suburbs where on the surface everyone is happy just keeping up with the Jones' but in reality they're all desperately lonely/bored/secretly crazy/drug addicted/broken people because Hollywood has never ever produced a ground breaking movie like that before and the suburbs are really ripe for getting this kind of treatment because it's never, ever been done to death.
The End
 I could be wrong so if you see this movie, which I actually sort of doubt you will, let me know how close I came to describing it. Ayyway Matt Damon talked about rough sex yada yada yada...
 "I like it rough. I didn't realize how rough I like it. Then I got home and I was like, 'Wow.'
Fascinating. Just when you thought Matt Damon couldn't get anymore boring. I don't really have anything against Matt Damon. In fact I never really think about him at all. He's just sort of there, like a brown shirt in a drawer you avoid wearing that you keep meaning to give to Goodwill but you just havern't gotten around too it yet.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Harvey Weinstein Finishes Early

Harvey Weinstein finished sex rehab in just a week. That's pretty fast. Maybe he should've thought about baseball or something.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

John Mayer is Ironic

Just when you thought John Mayer couldn't get any more punchable, he dressed in an "80's" outfit for his 40th birthday party on some yacht somewhere. Who knows why since he seems to be the only one dressed like that. Maybe his boom box is in that bag and he's going to break dance later. During the party he left with John Cusack's girlfriend and much wacky hi-jinks ensued until John rebuilds his junky Camaro and does enough burnouts to save the day.

Chelsea Handler Saves the World

Chelsea Handler is quitting her talk show after only two seasons. I was surprised to hear she was leaving since I didn't even know she still had a show. She says it's so she can be "better informed, raise my voice, and participate in a more meaningful way." I suppose she wants to be come a more learned citizen like Plato probably. Or maybe even Hippocrates...
“Like so many across the country, the past presidential election and the countless events that have unfolded since have galvanized me. From the national level down to the grassroots, it’s clear our decisions at the ballot box next year will mark a defining moment for our nation"
I think the election that happened ALMOST A YEAR AGO broke what was left of her brain. I wonder which PhD program she'll choose. Harvard Medical? Maybe MIT. Who can say. Whichever one it is I hope it lasts a long, long time and keeps her busy and away from cameras and people that want to ask her her opinion about anything.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Breaking Jennifer Aniston News!!

According to the latest story I partially read, Jennifer Aniston went out without a bra. The end.

Calum Von Muscles

Here's one for the ladies. He's Calum Von Moger and he's going to be in a movie about a little known and obscure body builder named Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold Schwarzenegger has been world famous for like 45 years, he's made movies that have taken in literally billions at the box office and was even the goddamn governor of California.  What possible new information they have about him that needs a movie I have no idea. I hope Calum is smarter than he looks although, that probably won't be too difficult. Hey if you want to look at a big veiny dude that looks like he's about to explode and that's your thing that's cool with me. Whatever floats your boat you sick weirdo.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

La La Anthony Stands Like This

So La La Anthony is famous I guess. Maybe it's because of her cool name. Maybe she's known for dressing like she's going to a disco in 1978. Maybe she's famous for being in TV commercials for cheap auto insurance that come with instant SR-22's during daytime talk shows, I really have absolutely no idea.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Russell Crowe is Well Rounded

That's Russell Crowe. It turns out all those times I made fun of him for getting so fat were wrong. He packed on weight for a movie called "Boy Erased" and it was insensitive of me and I'm sorry. I don't know what it's about if I had to guess judging by the shoes and pants and how he's walking I'd say it's about a boy with severe "learning disabilities" that grew up and became erased. We'll see you at the Osacr's Russell!

Stupid People Yelling Stupid Things

Wendy Williams and 50 Cent are feuding. Why? I have no idea. About what? Who gives a shit. Seriously who fucking cares. She said he was an idiot and he called her ugly and as far as I'm concerned they're both right so I really don't see what it is they're arguing about.

Rod Stewart Does Stuff

72 year old Rod Stewart was at a breast cancer awareness "Pinktober" Hard Rock benefit thing dressed like a couch from an Italian guy's house with his gigantic girlfriend Penny Lancaster. She's 46, so she's almost 30 years younger than him. It could be she's an Amazon and is actually holding him hostage. Has anyone thought to ask? Really, I mean think about it. If that was the case what would he do? He's 72 years old. He's not just old enough to be her father, he's almost old enough to be her GRANDfather. I looked it up and she's six foot one. Know who else is six foot one? Me. So listen Penny, he's 72 so when know what I mean... if you're tired of dealing with short dudes give me a call. Think about it, you can wear those high heels you like so much again.

Friday, October 13, 2017

A Kanye West Saturday

Kanye West was spotted leaving a Soul Cycle class - whatever the Hell that is - at some gym on Friday. No one mentioned who he was talking too on the phone but if I was forced to guess I'd say it was probably Burger King.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Elizabeth Hurley Gets my Vote

I know I haven't written much in a week and I'm sorry. It's really not my fault because it's all the same garbage everywhere. Same garbage stories, same garbage people. Except for Elizabeth Hurley. She was at some benefit called "Future Something Something Who knows" looking pretty much like every older woman fantasy I ever had when I was in high school right up through this morning and I thought, "Hey! Why don't I write about that?" So I'll start scouring the internet looking for crappy celebrity news again and I'll try to stay on top of this better.

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Ralphie May Died

"Comedian" Ralphie May died of cardiac arrest on Friday. He was 45. "We don't know why" said one doctor. "It's a total mystery" added another. Just another one of the great mysteries of the universe.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Jaime Pressly NUDE!

Wait a minute. Jaime Pressly has been in Playboy?! (you should probably click the links with caution but whatever it's your life) Why wasn't I informed? Well believe you me I know now. It looks like my plans for this weekend have changed.

Hugh Hefner Dead at 91

I'm sure you've heard by now that Hugh Hefner went to the Great Beyond, and all I can think to say is Hugh Hefner's super-nerd sons are really, really lucky Hugh Hefner was their father otherwise the family bloodline would most likely end with them.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Tommy Lee Needs Blood

Tommy Lee kissed his girlfriend Tiffany Star or whatever the fuck her name is at something called The Streamy Awards. Later he cut open her wrist and drank some of her blood so his hair can maintain that youthful black color. I'm sorry I guess I have no idea why this is news or why I'm even writing about it. What the Hell are The Streamy Awards? But hey whatever, I'll keep writing this crap so all 14 of you guys won't quit coming here.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Sunday With Sienna Miller

Sienna Miller was at the Apollo Theater in London last night seeing the play "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" and not rockets like I originally thought. Good God she's attractive isn't she? The story I didn't link says shes 35 years old but she's 35 in the same way I'm the King of Russia. I'm not. But to be perfectly honest she can say whatever she wants and I'd believe it. Chemtrails are poisoning our family pets and turning them against us? Whatever you say Sienna I support you 100%.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Kylie Jenner Pregnant

!!!BREAKING NEWS FOR DUMMIES!!!!! Kylie Jenner is pregnant. I guess the rocket scientist sitting next to her is the father but who can really say. I have a good idea. If she has a son she should name him Bruce. You know, like the athlete.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Karruche Tran is Somebody

Some high maintenance, tawdry z-list bimbo named Karruche Tran wore see through pants to some bar called Catch LA's first anniversary party. Honest to Christ, some of these morons would show up half naked to the ribbon cutting of a new 7-11 if they thought they'd get their picture posted on some shitty celebrity site. Not mine of course mine is the best there is.  Here's a paragraph from her Wikepedia page in case you're interested...
 Karrueche Tran is an American actress and model. Tran initially gained mainstream exposure as the girlfriend of R&B singer Chris Brown before extending her resume to include modeling and acting.
 That clears things up for me, how about you? Her "resume" now includes - in addition to being a groupie - "modeling and acting". My resume includes those things too because it's fun to type stuff on pieces of paper. Why are they always getting in and out of black SUVs? Why do they always have body guards? I didn't know body guards worked for free because I don't see getting your picture at shitty bars paying very well at all. I could be wrong but of course I'm not. See you at the Academy Awards ceremony Karruche. Remember Clint Eastwood drinks his Scotch neat.

Evangeline Lily is Insane

The insanely hot Evangeline Lily dressed up like a wasp for a movie about an Ant Man. That's pretty much all I know and if you think I'm researching this asinine movie you better think again. Doesn't that whole sentence sound fucking stupid to you? Because if it doesn't, it should. What drives you people to throw money at these ridiculous cartoon movies? Were you dropped on your heads? Did your parents pump small doses of carbon monoxide into your bedrooms while you slept when you were kids?  Grown people running around dressed like bugs fighting crime. That's what you're spending upwards of $100 for two or three people with popcorn to see in theaters. Keep it up idiots me and Evangeline need the money for the yacht we're buying together where we'll work on our abs and eat right.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Britney Spears is Cute as Hell

<blockquote class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned data-instgrm-version="7" style=" background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:658px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width:calc(100% - 2px);"><div style="padding:8px;"> <div style=" background:#F8F8F8; line-height:0; margin-top:40px; padding:62.5% 0; text-align:center; width:100%;"> <div style=" background:url(data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAACwAAAAsCAMAAAApWqozAAAABGdBTUEAALGPC/xhBQAAAAFzUkdCAK7OHOkAAAAMUExURczMzPf399fX1+bm5mzY9AMAAADiSURBVDjLvZXbEsMgCES5/P8/t9FuRVCRmU73JWlzosgSIIZURCjo/ad+EQJJB4Hv8BFt+IDpQoCx1wjOSBFhh2XssxEIYn3ulI/6MNReE07UIWJEv8UEOWDS88LY97kqyTliJKKtuYBbruAyVh5wOHiXmpi5we58Ek028czwyuQdLKPG1Bkb4NnM+VeAnfHqn1k4+GPT6uGQcvu2h2OVuIf/gWUFyy8OWEpdyZSa3aVCqpVoVvzZZ2VTnn2wU8qzVjDDetO90GSy9mVLqtgYSy231MxrY6I2gGqjrTY0L8fxCxfCBbhWrsYYAAAAAElFTkSuQmCC); display:block; height:44px; margin:0 auto -44px; position:relative; top:-22px; width:44px;"></div></div> <p style=" margin:8px 0 0 0; padding:0 4px;"> <a href="" style=" color:#000; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none; word-wrap:break-word;" target="_blank">Who says you can’t do fashion week at home! 😜 👠👗</a></p> <p style=" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px; margin-bottom:0; margin-top:8px; overflow:hidden; padding:8px 0 7px; text-align:center; text-overflow:ellipsis; white-space:nowrap;">A post shared by Britney Spears (@britneyspears) on <time style=" font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px;" datetime="2017-09-18T18:58:12+00:00">Sep 18, 2017 at 11:58am PDT</time></p></div></blockquote>
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This is the embed code for a video file on Britney Spears Instagram of her modeling clothes for some reason. I don't know how to share an Instagram post here, either that or Blogger won't let me embed it either one is likely, but just go ahead and click the underlined words trust me.

Donald Glover Wins an Emmy

Donald Glover who has an estimated personal net worth of $12 million dollars slammed President Trump for oppressing him during his winning Emmy speech last night...
"I want to thank Trump for making black people No. 1 on the most-oppressed list," he said. “He’s probably the reason I’m up here.”
 Poor Donald Glover evidently broke his bonds and took the Underground Railroad in the middle of the night to the station where he was picked up by a limousine and handed a $5000 tuxedo to wear on national television to accept a gold plated trophy he can put on the marble mantel of his gigantic fireplace in one of his enormous mansions. And yes I'm well aware that the Underground Railroad wasn't an actual train but it's my blog so I'll describe various modes of transportation how I want. If Don can tell me he's oppressed I can decide how people travel the country.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Lily Tomlin is Still With Us

I didn't watch the Emmy Awards last night although I suppose I should have. In my defense I started watching them but quickly decided shows about ghosts on Destination America where far more entertaining and less scary then watching famous people pat each other on the back. I was surprised to find out Lily Tomlin showed up because I thought she was dead. Unless she's a ghost then I suppose I really did miss something. I don't know what award she won but judging by the picture I'd guess it was "The Former Star That Now Looks Most Like a Muppet" award. So lifelike. Congratulations Lily.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Saturday Fergie Gets a Divorce

BIG NEWS Fergie is getting divorced from whoever it was she was married too. James somebody I think. Anyway who cares that's all in the past now. I'm ready to step in and be a dad to your kids so listen Fergie if you need anything during this heartbreaking time you know where to find me. I'll be hanging around by that bridge in the woods.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Orland Bloom Strong. Like Tree.

Orlando Bloom shared this picture on Instagram. It's a picture of him dead lifting 95 pounds. Watch out, if you ever give him a ride in your car somewhere make sure you open the door for him so he doesn't accidentally rip it off of the hinges. I'm not exactly sure what the dude behind him is doing, but if you ever find yourself asking that question it's probably best to just mind your own business.

Heather Locklear is Wreckless

Heather Locklear was briefly hospitalized in Thousand Oaks, California after driving her car into a ditch. Sort of like her career I guess. See what being involved with anyone from Bon Jovi will do to you? Those guys are like, I don't know. Not King Midas, King Shithands maybe. Remember the band Skid Row? Jon Bon Jovi had something to do with them and where are they now? Who knows. What were we talking about? Oh right. Stay in school kids.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Sara is That You?

Remember when I wrote about Sara Sampaio? Here's a $20 bill forget I said anything.

Katie Holmes Wears a Jacket

Katie Holmes was at Fashion Week and man she gets better looking as she gets older doesn't she? She's almost 40. It's unreal. She looks like, I don't know. I guess if I had to describe it, I'd say she looks like the new office manager that was hired to whip this place into shape, and I have to tell you you're the worst employee we have on this team Bobby and the only way you're going to learn is by having sex with you right here on this desk. Okay boss whatever you say.