Thursday, May 25, 2017

I'm a Fashion Expert

Okay so I hadn't exactly planned on writing about Britney Spears, but since I clicked on this picture for "other" reasons something started to bother me. Why do women insist on wearing those black heels with everything. That looks really awful. "I think I'll put on this slinky, sexy red dress, and to top it off? Black Frankenstein shoes" Maybe she plans on battling the Mummy or something. Wouldn't any other color have been better?  Memorial Day is in like three days I think white would have been fine. Or maybe tan. Tan would have definitely been better. She has $150 million dollars, it's not like she couldn't stop at JCPenney and buy some tan heels. Thanks for ruining the mood Britney. I'll have to get back to you. You can keep the shoes on.

Wonder Woman has Invisible Underwear

Connie Nielson signed autographs for fans while not wearing underwear. Why? Why not? She's in the new "Wonder Woman" so I think she can do anything she wants. She was also in Gladiator 17 years ago.  I have no idea why anyone needs a new Wonder Woman movie but I guess they have to keep you comic nerds busy somehow. I don't even know if she plays Wonder Woman. If you go see it let me know. I'll be here waiting for your answer. I'm kidding I'll be having a life.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

From Hell

Mama June who became famous for the all but forgotten "Honey Boo Boo or Whatever it was Called Show" appeared on the red carpet somewhere, for some reason looking like a nightmarish Marilyn Monroe. I saw this picture on a certain UK celebrity rag that I won't name (The Daily Mail) and it's the only, only place I ever see her or hear about her anymore. I do remember when everyone here in the States would talk about her, but I don't really know why. It takes the UK about 10 years to filter through our left overs I guess. Hell, last I heard they're still playing with Pogs over there.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Site News

There's been a schedule change so I haven't been able to write as much lately. But I will. Maybe tonight. WILL YOU GET OFF MY BACK. Jesus.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Sunday Funday for the Ladies

Patrick Wilson is on The Gold Coast somewhere and he went jogging with his shirt off like all studs do. He was on The Gold Coast filming some DC Comics movie but comics are dumb and comics movies are even dumber so I don't care. I think it's Aquaman? And once again I'm not sure where "The Gold Coast" is. I know there's one in Africa I think. South Africa? And I know there's at least two here in the Chicago area. One on Lake Shore Drive like where Oprah lived, and the other starting roughly in Deerfield and going all the way up to Lake Forest.

 If you get the chance, go drive through Lake Forest. There are houses there that looks like Batman lives there. People that live there have private planes and limousines with drivers. I went to a party this one time at this guy's house who's dad was the owner or president or whatever he was of Wilson Electronics and a 100 year old rich guy showed up in his limo, and his driver just stood there outside the door of the car like you'd see in the movies. Just stood there waiting to open the car door for this guy in the cold on New Year's Eve. I'll never forget that. They have servant's quarters and old money people that walk around with monocles. I once dated a girl from there that lived next-door to Walgreen's. Not a pharmacy, the goddamn Walgreens. The people that owned it. I don't know what happened to her. I don't even remember her name. Anyway, keep up the good work Patrick Wilson I already forgot what you're doing and who you are.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Busy Philips is Helpful

Busy Phillips dressed like a pinata at some charity thing. I'm not sure what the charity was for maybe it was Pinatas for Quinceañeras or whatever.  That dress cost $700 in case you were wondering. Is she related to the Mamas and Papas people? Probably because only a stupid hippie would name their kid "Busy".  Is she on TV or is she in movies. Broadway plays? Maybe she's a rap artist like everyone else nowadays. Somebody knows, get them on the phone.

Chris Cornell Dead

Soundgarden singer Chris Cornell died. He was 52. They're saying it was "sudden, and unexpected" and it usually is. Especially to the person that actually died. And I'm no doctor but I'm going out on a limb and guess it had something to do with drugs. Wouldn't that be a shock? When the autopsy reports come back I'll update this if I remember. The grunge era died that day. Not like back in 2001 when it really died.

!!!PRE-POSTING UPDATE!!! Apparently he was on drugs and hanged himself. I'm as surprised as you.



Thursday, May 18, 2017

Pamela Anderson is Done with the Back 40 Y'all

Normally I'm a huge defender of women in their 30's, 40's and in the case of Sandra Bullock, Halle Berry, and Christie Brinkley, even into their 50's and 60's. But Pamela Anderson looks weird to me. It's probably just the picture. Or maybe it's because she looks like she's attending a debutante ball during the civil war. Say hi to Jebediah for me.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Liv Tyler is Going to be Huge

Remember Liv Tyler? Boy I sure do. Here she is at a showing of Kate Moss' new jewelry release party or whatever they call it when someone has a jewelry line named after them. What do you think, Kate Moss sits around in a lab coat while wearing one of those magnifying glasses over her eye and designs jewelry? I don't know Kate Moss but I promise she isn't. And has Liz always had such a big face?  She is 39 maybe that's why women don't get offered movie roles once they hit a certain age. "What about Cameron Diaz? Can we put her in this movie?"  "No she's getting a big face."  Hollywood is full of jerks.

Ben and Amy End it All

Amy Schumer and Ben Schumer broke up. I'm not sure his last name is Schumer and I didn't check even though it's part of the title of this linked story then again I don't care what his last name is and you'll never hear about him from this point forward anyway so why should I bother to learn it? They look like every dumbshit 20 something couple you'd see in Edison Park in Chicago. They all dress up like that for a night on the town, they're all upper-middle class and SUPER white. You know those "white girl drunk" jokes? Like that. Imagine a lot of paper tiaras and people high fiving and getting wacky.  alright I've pissed myself off now good luck with your break up Ben and Jerry it's a shame because I loved your ice cream.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Saturday Jennifer Aniston Post

It's Saturday and I really haven't written much lately and the same usual boring stuff is happening. "Trump", "I hate Trump" "The end times are here because Trump is president" blah blah blah. Jesus who knew the internet was so full of crybaby pants wetters. Can't you shut up for five goddamn minutes?  So anyway here's Jennifer Aniston without her "husband" Jackson Thorax or whatever that idiots name is. Why? Who knows maybe she caught a glimpse of me washing my motorcycle with my shirt off and finally decided to ditch that boring, leather pants wearing dud. I was going to write a few sentences alluding to her nipples but I don't have the brain power for that nonsense right now  so just look at them. I'm not here for your entertainment.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Long Live Salma Hayek

Salma Hayek attended a party in Venice. They didn't mention which Venice so it's either Venice California, Venice Florida, or Venice Italy. Take your pick they're all the same to me anyway. It also didn't mention what the party was for, but judging by her clothes, I assume it was to celebrate her coronation as the new queen of Alice in Wonderland

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Helen Hunt Will Swallow Your Soul

This picture was labeled "Helen Hunt Looks Fabulous in Crepe Figure Hugging Dress" And I thought, "yeah she does look kind of creepy."

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Michael Parks 1940-2017

Adios Michael Parks.

Pippa Middleton's Father is Named Mike

This is Pippa Middleton's dad because of course he is. He couldn't be more Pippa Middleton's father if he was driving around in an old Rolls Royce while wearing a monocle carrying a British flag, drinking tea and smoking a fancy pipe.  There's no story here really. At least not one that I read anyway. Maybe he's still mad at The Sex Pistols.

Monica Belluci is 52

Here's Monica Belluci with Bigfoot at the Premier of her new movie On Milky Something...I'll be honest I'm not sure what it's called because I'm more likely to see a UFO laser battle than this pile of garbage. The story I'm not linking called her sexy at 52 years old and also a "Bond Girl" but once again I don't know which James Bond movie she was in since most James Bond movies after Live and Let Die pretty much suck and if I watch them at all it's only because I'm trying to learn new tricks to keep up my spy game. You hear that ladies? I'm a spy. I learned that from James Bond. Brag to everyone about being a spy and the ladies will swoon.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Jon Hamm Forgot His Underwear

Joe Hamm went for coffee or maybe to buy stamps and he didn't wear underwear. I suppose because he wants you to know he has a big dick. I'm a creep and even I wouldn't leave the house without wearing underwear what's this dude's deal. I don't even remember what movies this guy was in but hey, if you want to be known for having a big dick that's cool with me. I suddenly realized that I called him Joe instead of Jon. That's his name right? Jon? Have fun with your big dick Jeff. No one cares.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Bob Geldof Blah Blah Blah

Bob Geldof something something Queen Elizabeth...Donald Trump... Who knows what this guy is complaining about now. They still call him the Boomtown Rats singer even though the Boomtown Rats' biggest hit was in 1979, 38 years ago when ABBA was still selling out stadiums, and they broke up 32 years ago. Here's an example of what I'm getting at. Using the same timeline when the Boomtown Rats broke up in 1985 the biggest musical hit 32 years prior to that was Rock Around the Clock by Bill Haley and the Comets. Do you think you would have listened if Bill Haley of the Comets was talking politics in 1985? I don't understand why Bob Geldof's opinion holds any weight anywhere. Because of Live Aid? Whatever Bob, you just keep looking like you have the flu and I'll keep ignoring you.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Saturday Sienna Miller Post

Sienna Miller was at the "Panthere De Cartiere watch fête" last night which I didn't know how to spell so I just copied and pasted it into this paragraph. If you want to know what it is, try Google because I'm done wrestling with that. And I don't think I've ever written about her before which is sort of surprising since she meets all of the basic criteria. She's a celebrity that's in movies I don't see, she has those cute dimple things when she smiles, she's over 35, very attractive, blonde, and not wearing a bra. Congratulations for finally joining the in-crowd Sienna Miller.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Nikki Reed is Having a Baby!

Nikki Reed was in the Twilight "saga" which of course I never saw because I'm not a 15 year old girl, and I suppose everything is a saga now if there's more than one. Like my testicles. You could say I have a Testicle Saga. Anyway like I said, I never saw it of course because I'm normal. But good for her. You should know she looks exactly like this friend that used to work with me named  "TF" in that picture that she shared on her Instagram. I mean exactly. I don't know who's kissing her belly I guess probably her husband Ian Somerhalder which would make sense. He was in some piece of crap on The CW. I'm not even going to bother looking it up because seriously who gives a shit. At one point he said.
In 10 years I’m probably going to be living on a ranch in Wyoming, and you’ll never hear from me again,” he said.
Please. Like anyone had heard of him before. Why don't you move there tomorrow so we don't have to read anymore of this garbage. Have fun with your baby in Wyoming you off the grid survivalist weirdos. And of course I covered up Instagram comments with some guy that has me blocked even though I have no idea who he is.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Stephen Colbert is in Trouble



 Some people are calling for Stephen Colbert to be fired because of what they're describing as a "homophobic" joke about Donald Trump...
 "Sir, you attract more skinheads than free Rogaine,” Colbert said near the end of the insult-laden rant. “You have more people marching against you than cancer. You talk like a sign language gorilla that got hit in the head. In fact, the only thing your mouth is good for is being Vladimir Putin’s c–k holster.”
I don't know. I guess that's a "joke". I agree though he should be fired. Not because of homophobia but because he isn't funny.

P Diddy is Immortal

I didn't know the Met Gala was a costume party. The proof came when P Diddy showed up dressed as Blackula with a cape and everything.

!!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!!  I wrote this on Monday or maybe yesterday and then forgot to post it in case you thought the Met Gala went on non-stop for three days which is entirely possible because no one even knows what it is so it may go on all year around who can tell.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Gwyneth Paltrow is All Smiles

Gwyneth Paltrow was at the Met Gala on Monday, so...yesterday I guess, doing whatever it is they do there. Judging by the picture I'd say they stand around grinning like idiots. I've written about the Met Gala before but I didn't bother to figure out what it was for then either. If you enjoyed this post about The Met Gala check back next year when I write about it again.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

2017 is Shaping Up

I just learned there's a rapper named Machine Gun Kelly. Oh yes, you know that's him in the picture. This is the new official stupidest thing I ever heard. I thought "G Easy" was pathetic but NOPE. He looks like a bad ass doesn't he. I don't know who's dumber, this idiot or the people that willingly pay money to listen to this idiot.

Friday, April 28, 2017

Kim Kardashian is Really Gross

Here's Kim Kardashian's cartoonishly large and freakishly disgusting ass. It's vomit inducing. If you think that's attractive you need psychiatric help and I want you to stop reading this blog. Seriously. I want nothing to do with you.  She looks like some kind of Star Wars character, like maybe from the cantina scene or something. They could name her The Sarlorg or whatever. Is that a genetic flaw or what? I'm done writing about this because I need to go throw up.

Orlando Bloom Apologizes

Orlando Bloom apologized profusely for calling himself a pikey -- whatever that is -- during some BBC interview. I thought it was a fish old men in Minnesota tried to catch but I assume it's probably a slur about someone, somewhere I guess. Maybe back East who knows. "I can't believe you called me a pikey!" I can hear them screaming in Wakawalla World or maybe they use it in Zebrenostan or some other foreign pit of despair. Really you sorry bunch of losers have to come up with some better slurs. I can think of at least a half dozen good ones without even batting an eye.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

John Legend is Wrong

John Legend said that Donald Trump is the worst person he ever met in his life, apparently forgetting that he's married to Chrissy Teigen.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Julia Roberts is Beautiful

Julia Roberts is People Magazine's "Most Beautiful Woman for 2017" and not "The Most Attractive Woman Left at Last Call Just Before They Turn on the Lights" like I originally thought

Shania Twain Then and Now

Some people are asking, "Did Shania Twain get plastic surgery?" Not me of course because I forgot Shania Twain was even a thing. But I guess she was on The Voice, a show that's popular with idiots and they know how to use Twitter and some wondered if she'd had plastic surgery. If I had to guess I'd say maybe some, maybe not. Who knows, she is 51 years old and still pretty hot so who cares.  I'd be more concerned about her hair though. It looks like she went into the salon and told the girl "Give me the Late 70's Hitchhiker" Hey whatever Shania it's your head.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

It's a New Kirsten Dunst

I saw this for the first time last night and I'm not sure why Kirsten Dunst did a cover version of "Turning Japanese" but she did. And in a blue wig which, I have to tell you, makes her look really hot. I've never really thought of Kirsten Dunst was attractive until right this minute. I guess all she has to do is wear the blue wig and dress like Pokemon in a mini skirt or whatever that is for the rest of her life. Maybe it's Sailor Moon? Who knows you internet people are a bunch of fucking weirdos. I should also mention that's the first time I ever willingly sat through that whole stupid song so keep up the good work Kirsten. Maybe your next movie should just be you doing those cutesy dance moves in a blue wig/mini skirt combo. Oh sure I'd wait until I could see it for free but I'd still watch it. Probably.


Unnecessary update: I've watched this about 100 times

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Prince Died a Year Ago Friday. Still Dead.

Prince died a year ago?! Remember when everyone was freaking out and they were calling him the greatest guitarist that ever lived. Good times.

Erin Moran Died

!!!BREAKING NEWS!!! (from last night) Erin Moran of Happy Days fame and Joanie Loves Chachi died of a suspected heroin overdose. She was 56. I watch Happy Days occasionally when I stumble across it on the Nostalgia Channel or whatever and the really old ones are alright I guess before Fonzie moved into their garage or whatever. And I seem to recall having a crush on her when I was a kid but mostly when she looked like a disco queen like she did in that picture if that's even her I don't know I just searched images and that came up. Remember when Richie Cunningham grew a mustache? What the Hell was that all about.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

It's a Saturday Parody

I saw a commercial for a guy named Ty Dolla $ign. They don't even pretend to be original anymore. "Should I include a money symbol in my name? No! How about I just call myself Money Symbol!" I wonder what he raps about. He's probably breaking new ground in the world of rap by rapping about private jets, rims, Miami, owning "buildings" BIG MONEY BUSINESS and if I had to guess, bitches and weed. I heard there's a 10% off all lobotomies coupon included if you buy his MP3 on Amazon. You have to pay for it in Euros though which is weird. Do you even know what Euros are Ty? It's what all of your accountants who are ripping you off and slowly draining your bank accounts are changing the money into before they stash it away in Switzerland. I have a feeling it's going to be a very short ride.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Richard Simmons has an Upset Stomach

Fitness guru Richard Simmons checked into the hospital for "indigestion"and left wrapped in a blanket looking like a tacky ghost. Why? How should I know, because these people are wacko that's why.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Kim Kardashian is Skeletal Now

The President of the Idiots, Kim Kardashian used her Twitter account to tell everyone that having the flu helped her lose 6 pounds. It's pretty amazing really, she's all skin and bones now. Hell, it probably took only two people to force her into that dress instead of three.

Charisma Carpenter is Hot and Thirsty

Charisma Carpenter was at the Thirst Gala which I guess raises awareness of the lack of clean water some people that don't seem to realize we live in the 21st century with this amazing new invention we have called plumbing don't have access too but I'm pretty sure they already know they don't have water. And I think they really missed the boat by not having it on a Thursday. Anyway, she's shockingly attractive for a 46 year old. Hell she's shockingly attractive for a 36 year old. It almost makes me wish I watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer  when she, and it, were both on TV but then I'd probably be too stupid to use a computer so it's quite the conundrum.

Arron Hernandez Saves Taxpayers Some Money

Convicted murderer and football retard Arron Hernandez hanged himself in prison and to that I say good.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Saturday Elyse Knowles Post

I originally wrote this on Saturday and lost track of time and then forgot all about it hence the title. I didn't feel like changing said title because the one that's there took me a long time to think up. Anyway, here's model Elyse Knowles for no reason and I'm suddenly her biggest fan. Oh, she's in the news for some reason but I never made it past the picture. I'm sure she's curing cancer or maybe saving Third World families or whatever. If you find out let me know I have other things to do. Good luck with your latest endeavor you goddamn hippie do-gooder  

Monday, April 17, 2017

Coachella Annoys Me

A few people have asked me why Coachella rankles me so much. That picture alone should give you your answer. I didn't have to hunt for that picture of those two girls because every single girl looked like that. They're all dressed up in some sort of ridiculous EDM/Slutty Halloween costume. So Coachella is basically a big costume party, where people who think they're hip (but they aren't)  go and hang out while they're dressed like idiots. That's only a minor annoyance though really. If you want to dress like a moron no one is stopping you, knock yourself out.

No my biggest problem -among many-  is the ticket prices and the shitty bands. Face value prices for a three day pass for Weekend One (What?! How long does this shit show last?) is $399. That means excluding every other cost, two tickets for one couple that wants to see Radiohead, for whatever reason you'd want to do that is nearly $1000. And they go up from there. One thousand dollars. To see Lady Gaga. You'd have to be a Grade A imbecile with way way too much money to spend $1000+ on this. I can't remember the last time I even had $1000. But you know what? it's your money. Frankly, flushing it down the toilet would be a lot easier and you wouldn't even have to worry about parking. I'm tired of bitching about this. Go. Do whatever the fuck you want. I just want to not have to read about it everywhere I look for the next two weeks.

Katy Perry is That You?

Katy Perry showed off her work out skills on Instagram. At least I think that's what she's doing. I don't know why she looks like Justin Bieber. It's funny I was just going to write a hilarious post about how I thought she was hot but now I'm confused and tingly in all the wrong places and frankly I don't know what to do about it.

Tommy Lee and His Chin Go To Coachella

Tommy Lee was at Coachella looking like that one actor with the giant chin. Why? I don't know maybe that's how hippies looked what am I an archaeologist?

Friday, April 14, 2017

Jessica Simpson Gets Called For Pass Interference

Jessica Simpson relived her high school football glory days when she was a middle linebacker at J. J. Pearce High School by barrelling her way through the crowd on her way to dinner. She can be supernaturally hot when she wants to be, and sometimes people go back and forth weight-wise but I'm a selfish idiot and I like the Jessica when her and Britney Spears were 21 years old and were the two hottest people on Earth. Sorry it's just how I am. Don't try to change me.

Gary Busey Runs Wild

GARY BUSEY ESCAPED SOMEBODY STOP HIM

Nikki Comeback is Webster Coming Back or Something

This article says Nikki Webster is making a huge comeback. And thank God too. It's not a moment too soon. Good luck with your major comeback Nikki Webster, whoever the Hell you are. There's a video of her performing at the link and and also right here (I'm not sure that will work, Try it!) and it's really, really terrible. I hope whoever is in charge of this manages to change her mind.

Creatures of the Night

The caption of this story said Rose McGowan and her boyfriend "Boots" were headed to dinner but, by the looks of things, I think it's probably more likely that they were headed to their weekly Vampire Coven  meeting. The original story also said he was a music "producer" but Rose McGowan also dated Marilyn Manson so I bet the music this guy produces is really really awful. As an official blogger I felt it was my duty to find out who exactly he produces and it turns out one of the people is Beyonce so that does little to change my mind about how awful the music is he produces

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Jennifer Aniston is in France

Jennifer Aniston and her "husband" Jean Luc Cousteau were in France promoting some kind of leather...C'mon Jen. Let's be serious now. I mean the guy is wearing leather pants. Didn't you notice that? Jesus Christ. A jacket or for - the love of God even a vest - wouldn't have done it? And the necklace? After noticing your taste in "men" I'm starting to wonder if you're right for me at all. Maybe we need to rethink this relationship.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Orange is the New Black is Still a Thing I Guess

!!BIG NEWS!! Orange is the New Black has a new trailer! HUZZAH!! Go TV show go! I'm sure you're very excited. I thought it was on HBO, or Cinemax but I guess it's on Netflix I really have no idea. I couldn't possibly care less if I tried. If I want to watch women in prison movies there are millions of pornos based solely on that premise and I don't have to learn anybody's name.

Tina Arena is Famous Somewhere

Tina Arena is an Australian singer from - I think - Australia, and she has a new fragrance. Judging by the picture I'm guessing it's called "Evil Boarding School Head Mistress" because I don't know anything about perfume or Australian singers unless they're named Bon Scott.You can't expect me to keep up with all the wild goings on in Australia. There's a reason they call it The Hollywood of the East, and that reason is because I just made it up. I wouldn't even remember Australia was a place except for the fact that their F-List celebrities occasionally turn up in these boring news stories

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Gwen Stefani Without Make Up

GAH! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY PUT IT BACK ON

Chrissie Hynde Needs Your Cats

Here's Chrissie Hynde of The Pretenders (a band I HATE) performing at The Royal Albert Hall as part of the "Geezers in Bands That Suck World Tour" or whatever. She revealed in a later interview that she lives as a recluse and oh yes, she pretty much looks exactly like how I'd guess a recluse would look. I can imagine her wandering her property yelling gibberish at neighborhood kids in her bathrobe while she tries to round up her cats. Did you know she was supposed to marry at least two Sex Pistols? Johnny Rotten and I guess Sid Vicious. To bad she didn't pick Sid. Anyway, if you want more information about ancient bands let me know. I'll tell you about the time I met Alice Cooper and that night my right shoe spent the entire show on stage at a Ramones concert.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Kate Beckinsale Gets a Tan

I don't really have much today so here's Kate Beckinsale yesterday in a bikini from her Instagram. I'm not sure why she's on that big trampoline you sexy minx. I'm game for anything just remember my rules, no other dudes and no permanent scars.