Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Elizabeth Hurley Topless

I wasn't going to write about Elizabeth Hurley's latest mostly naked Instagram photo no matter how badly I wanted too because I didn't want to overwhelm this already Elizabeth Hurley heavy time of the year, but there was that whole unfortunate naked Greg Norman thing a few minutes ago so I needed something less...manly? You know what I mean. Anyway thanks Lizzy your a real life saver. And what I mean is,  I'd love to wear you around my neck if you get my drift. 

Greg Norman Naked

Here's golf legend Greg Norman naked. Why is he naked? Who knows, he's from Australia so maybe he's trying to wash all the blood out of his clothes. They're all criminals you know. He's 62 years old in case you were wondering. I wasn't, but you're the damn weirdo so I know you'd probably want that information. Have fun being naked you damn show off.

Justin Bateman is Hot

After I published the last piece I continued reading the original source story which I almost never do because I almost never read it at all. I mean, who gives a shit? Anyway, as I scrolled down I discovered that Justin "The World's Most Punchable Face" Bateman was also at the Jen/Husband dinner thing. Probably where they discussed fashion and maybe to figure out why Justin was wearing a jacket in New York on Monday when the high temperature was 89 degrees. Aren't you hot man? Seriously. Hey man, where's your sister?

Jennifer Aniston Ripped Her Pants

Jennifer Aniston and her husband (picture not available/name unknown) went out to dinner last night. I don't know the name of the place they had dinner but I'm sure it was very hip, kind of like Jennifer's jeans. Keep in mind,  I'm a fashion expert and I'm not a huge fan of ripped jeans. Unless they were ripped during some kind of action sport like parkour or maybe skateboarding like mine were. Hey Jen check out this wheelie. Who's your husband now baby.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Site News

Man, there ain't shit to write about so I haven't written anything. Summer is usually pretty slow but I've never seen it like this. And I was already scraping the bottom of the barrel for the last week or two as it was, and there are only so many ways to say you want to have sex with Elizabeth Hurley or Jennifer Aniston without coming right out and saying it like I did just now. Hopefully something will turn up somewhere that doesn't involve around the clock coverage of the one time Donald Trump ordered food from a Russian restaurant back in the 80's or something. So I'll look around and hopefully something will turn up.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Sunday With Eva Longoria

Uuuuhh... What is happening to Eva Longoria? I bet it's for a part in a movie right? She'll go back to the way she normally looks soon right?

Friday, July 14, 2017

Howdy Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman appears on the cover of Love Magazine for reasons no one seemed to mention. And I actually read the story for once. She's 50 years old, did I mention that? Did I also mention that I don't care? Because I don't. And if you care you're either scared or gay. My guess would be the later I mean look at you. Give me a call Nicole. Wear the hat.

Antonio Banderas is Brave

Antonio Banderas has a new girlfriend. Her name is Nicole Kempel, she's 37, attractive, and crazy as fuck. Do you know how I can tell? Look at her eyes. It's always in the eyes. Crazy women always have those giant saucer like eyes. Always. That's an insane woman right there. One minute you're chatting over dinner, having a nice time, in a nice restaurant and you excuse yourself to use the restroom, on the way you stop to tie your shoe and when you come back she's foaming at the mouth because you were gone for two minutes longer than you said you'd be. "Who did you call?" "Was it that waitress that looked at you as we came in?"  Oh yes. Don't believe me? Give it a shot sometime. They're easy to find because you can spot them from a mile away. Hell, I've managed it several times. Oh sure they're a lot of fun to be with (sex) but holy shit. All of this is not an indictment of her of course because I don't know her. Just remember though, NOT having saucer like eyes doesn't mean she isn't a wacko. You're just going to have to find out I guess. Anyway, good luck Antonio.

DMX is in Trouble

Rap superstar (?) DMX (seen here dressed as one of the Mario Brothers) could go to federal prison for as long as 44 years if he is convicted on 14 charges of tax evasion. He used personal bank accounts and the accounts of managers and on, and on, and on... it's all very confusing so I quit reading. It's said he owes the IRS $1.7 million dollars which by my calculations is a shit ton.  On the other hand I haven't really heard about him much in the last 10 years and he's a rapper so for all I knew he was already in prison. Good luck DMX I hope it all works out or whatever.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Donnie Wahlberg is Generous (?)

Donnie Wahlberg left a $2000 tip for the employees at a Waffle House in North Carolina. He even went so far as to post about his generosity on Facebook...
“My mom waited tables, and my dad tended bars, for years! So, when I walk into a Waffle House, and the staff treats me like a king, you better believe I treat them like queens! Thanks to the team at Waffle House in Charlotte.”
Good for him, knowing how difficult it can be waiting tables etc. But I wonder why he doesn't leave a $2000 tip every time considering $2000 is 0.01% of his reported $20,000,000 personal net worth. And also considering that even at just 3%, $20 million dollars earns $608,319.14 worth of interest every year. Just for doing nothing. That's about $1700.00 a day. But yeah good for him.

The Fat Jew Acts Like an Asshole on a Boat

Noted Twitter personality and Tweet/joke/Instagram post thief The Fat Jew, or as the Daily Mail calls him The Fat Jewish, had a "celebrity" filled party aboard a rented yacht while he was dressed in pink. Was it a coming out party? No that's his "slutty sea admiral" costume. Yeah don't ask me. It was a release party for PINK PARTY Rose with Bubbles? Okay whatever that is, I won't be buying it anyway. But it was celebrity filled, at least by Daily Mail standards...

The guests included such luminaries as:

Kim Kardashian's best friend Jonathan Cheban,
The Real Housewives of New York's Dorinda Medley
The Bachelor's Olivia Caridi
And last but not least, Diplo.

That list reads like a who's who of who gives a shit. The Fat Jewish went on to say...
 'There are no rules on this boat. There's a lot of questionable decisions being made. By eight o'clock a lot of people will regret what they've said and done. And that's what we're going for.'
 By eight o'clock? Oh man lock up your daughters they're going to get WiLd! Okay, can I never write about this asshole again? Please?

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Charlize Theron Loses Weight

Charlize Theron talks about gaining weight for her new film Tully and how hard it was to lose it this time now that she's reached the ancient age of 41.
'The sugar put me in a massive depression. I was sick. I couldn't lose the weight. I called my doctor and I said, 'I think I'm dying!' And he's like, 'No, you're 41. Calm down,' she explained.
Wow 41. Better start making out your will grandma. Big deal. I know I'm considered abnormal when I say she does absolutely nothing for me. I see her picture and I just think, meh whatever. I'm not sure why. I'm sure she's very nice but I told you I'm not interested so quit messaging me Charlie.

Paris Jackson Wants to be a Hippie

Paris Jackson dressed like a hippie to visit some charity in L.A. Why? I don't know. I'll never understand the fascination people in their teens and 20's have with hippies. It seems to be on a 20 year cycle though because I remember it happened in the 90's too. Although then it was just the clothes, moving to Seattle, painting peace symbols on things, playing hacky sack and for reasons I'll never understand, juggling sticks. Nobody really had much of a hippie attitude beyond that, it was just fashion. I guess wanting to be a hippie is just something everyone has to go through. Sort of like getting chicken pox, or going through puberty. "Welcome to your teen years here's a tie dyed shirt and an album by The Doors!" You're not original Paris.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Elizabeth Hurley Uses Both Hands

Here's 52 year old Elizabeth Hurley in a picture she posted to her Instagram account yesterday while she was doing some gardening and holding a squirting hose with both hands. I'm not sure why you'd work in your garden in a bathing suit but then I'm not a model. In fact the only reason I even wrote about her today was because she's a good fall back position because she's hot and always desperate for attention and so she runs around in skimpy clothes all day long and I'll be busy for a while because I have to fix the brakes on my truck. Shirtless. You hear that Liz? If you want to stop by and do some yoga in the yard until I finish up maybe we can work in the yard with my hose later too. I just put down some grass seed you perverts and watering it is a two person job.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Sunday Rihanna is Fun Day

Here's a picture of Rihanna on a Jet Ski that's making the rounds on the internet in case you ever wondered how much fun it would be to hang out with her. They say a picture is worth a thousand words and this one says... "I'm cold" and..."Put the convertible top up this is messing up my hair" and my all time favorite, "Can we go home now?"

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Ireland Baldwin Looks Like Her Mom

This is Ireland Baldwin's picture from her Instagram account. The 21 year old daughter of Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger. She looks remarkably like her mother in that picture and in fact I originally thought that was Kim Bassinger. OH MY GOD SHE'S COVERED IN POLKA DOTS AND TATTOOS. Sorry where was I. Oh yes. Ireland Baldwin... I think I read somewhere she's 6'2. I'M 6'2. I also have an athletic build, a great sense of humor and I used that picture of that guy that has me blocked on Twitter even though I have no idea who he is, to cover up all those terrible comments in your Instagram feed. See? I can protect you if you need it. And hey if things don't work out maybe you could introduce me to your mom.

Black Chyna Naked

Rob Kardashian could get prison time for illegally sharing nude photos of Blac Chyna because of the new "revenge porn" laws in California. I didn't read much of the story beyond that because I was afraid I might have to see pictures of Blac Chyna naked and nobody should have to suffer like that. If it's true and he really did post her nudes on his social media accounts they should lock up this madman for life

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Bad Boy Jordan Barrett Lives Up to His Name

"Male" model Jordan Barrett lived up to his bad boy image by getting kicked off of a child's amusement park ride.  What's next walking in the field with the keep off the grass sign, or maybe going in through the exit doors at a gas station, or maybe feeding the animals at the zoo?  There was a time when Johnny Cash accidentally started a forest fire that required 500 people a week to put out, and guys like Keith Moon drove cars into swimming pools and trashed hotel rooms causing thousands of dollars in damages, but sure you're too fast to live James Dean. I bet it's always a wild ride when Jordan comes to town.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Petra Nemcova Stands Around

I was looking for stuff to write about but in case you're not aware, it's a big holiday weekend here in the States so all I could find was something about model Petra Nemcova dressed like the inside of 1700's era coffin. She was at some fashion week thing in Paris doing whatever it is they do at fashion shows. Hopefully she'll get some new shoes because those are awful. That and dodge angry Muslim protestors. Or at least I think that's what they do in France. Make that long bread? Who knows. I like their ice cream though.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Sunday With Nicole Scherzinger

Here's Nicole Scherzinger's Instagram post of her in her bikini celebrating her 39th birthday in Mykonos, Greece. Good lord. I really don't know what else to say, so let's not spoil this mood with a lot of nonsense small talk.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Saturday Ryan Gosling Post

Ryan Gosling is on a promotional toure (I added the E because he's from Canada) for his new movie "Blade Runner 2049: The Boring Returns" where he showed everyone how he wears a jean jacket. With a popped collar and his hands in his pockets.  Maybe Blade Runner takes place in the past. Like the 1980's. All he needs is a Rising Sun bandana and one of those British flag t-shirts and he'll be all set

Friday, June 30, 2017

Olivia Munn Does Exciting Things

Here's Olivia Munn on vacation in Turks and Caicos. Why? Beats me. I don't even remember what movies she's in. I think one of them is about superheroes but I don't know because I'm not a nerd. Have fun average looking girl in a swimsuit.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Matt the Rife

Here's Matt Rife. The 21 year old that Kate Beckinsale is supposedly dating. Good looking? Yes. An actor? Yes. Nice abs? Yes. Gay as Hell? Oh Hell yes. It's entirely possible that the suggestion was made to Kate by Hollywood power brokers that maybe being seen kissing this guy once in a while would convince movie goers that he was an All-American-Joe that they could identify with. All of this of course is just a theory. And just because my gaydar is going off like a car alarm on the street at 3 in the morning doesn't mean anything. And none of it is because I'm jealo- OH GOD KATE COME BACK TO ME

George Clooney is Moving

 George Clooney decided to move his family back to Los Angeles where he feels safe.
 “He doesn’t feel like Amal and the twins are safe living in the English countryside,” an insider says. “He’s determined to move his family to LA, where he feels much more secure.”
Who knows maybe he's worried someone in England will steal the script to the newest coffee commercial or maybe his next crappy movie. I don't know, I'm not going to write about this guy any more. I actually think he's pretty cool. He's totally likeable and I bet he could totally take a joke but his movies are terrible and he otherwise seems really boring. At least to me. He walks around looking handsome in a tuxedo at awards ceremonies and...what else? Nothing that's what. I won't be at the poker game this week George. Sorry you had to find out this way.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Elizabeth Hurley Relaxes

Elizabeth Hurley posted this picture on her Instagram and my heart skipped a beat because at first I thought she was wearing only a top and that is sexy as hell. I think girls look better when they aren't all done up like circus clowns but whatever that's just me and I'm not Mr. Fashion. And anyway, she's also wearing shorts so this story went absolutely nowhere fast, thanks for ruining everything Liz.

Kate Hudson Snatched the Red Carpet

I was reading a story about Kate Hudson and I thought I'd fawn all over her but I found out she's dating some clown named Danny Fujikawa, seen here dressed in the standard "Asshole in his Late 30's" uniform so she can forget it now. 

Quentin Tarantino is an Old Lesbian

The story I'm not linking said Quentin Tarantino was photographed after lunch but I think it was probably more likely he was shopping for a new Georgia O'Keeffe painting, or maybe a rainbow sticker for his car. Or he could be the new Tall Man in the latest installment of the Phantasm franchise. Either way I get a lot of grief from my friends for thinking most Quentin Tarantino movies suck because they do. Okay that's not true I don't have any friends but Quentin Tarantino movies suck the huge one and once people get sucked into the hive mind they all talk about how great his movies are so they can gain some of Quentin Tarantino's non-existent "coolness". Because unlike Fonzie, he ain't cool.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Kate Beckinsale has Poor Judgement

I had this picture on my desktop of Kate Beckinsale wearing stretch pants but I don't remember why. It could be because she was wearing stretch pants and that's a good enough reason for me. Not because she was seen kissing some 21 year old dumbshit named Matt the Knife or whatever his name is. C'mon Kate, 21? I know I usually don't care about age differences, and it's true I don't, but 21 year old "men" are basically retarded. 41 year old men are bad enough but a 21 year old was in high school like three years ago. Have you ever talked to a high school kid? They're like trauma patients that fell and hit their head on the edge of a bath tub. You're not instilling me with a lot of confidence in your judgement, it's like I don't even know you "Kate". If that is your real name.

Alexander Skarsgard is Red

Alexander Skarsgard got sunburned and to that I say good. You big show off. Pull up your pants no one wants to see that. Okay, no one normal. Pervert.

Ferige is Tiny

Is Fergie a midget? Do people still wear clothes that say FILA on them? What's with the hat? Why do people insist on wearing those ugly sandals? Do their feet get hot? So many questions.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Saturday Sienna Miller Stands in a Garden Post

Sienna Miller went to another charity thing, this time dressed like James Bond in You Only Live Twice. It's okay as far as James Bond movies go I guess, it's not my favorite. Have you ever seen it? I mean c'mon, they disguise him as a Japanese guy? Please. And that wig. Jesus. I bet you didn't know Sean Connery has always worn a toupee. Since at least Dr. No, the first James Bond. Anyway where was I. Oh yes Sienna Miller. Well there she is. I'll be writing about her more and more frequently since I love her now. I LOVE YOU SIENNA.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Emily Ratajkowski is on a Boat



Emily Ratajkowski shared this picture of her butt on Instagram. She was in Tuscany or somewhere I have no idea. I've been avoiding writing about her because I thought she won that show Donald Trump used to do called The Apprentice and then I thought she was a model and then maybe an actress but I had no idea and I got so confused that I just avoided her all together. Have fun looking at her butt.

Scarlett Johansson is Lifelike

I don't know what happened to Scarlett Johansson or why she looks like Max Headroom now.

Banksy Revealed!

According to some people, some DJ named Goldie seems to have identified "street artist" Banksy as a person named Robert Del Naja, a member of the band Massive Attack. I say they should have talked about this in 2007 when anyone gave a shit.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Hi Grandma?

There's a show called Hollywood Medium where C- List celebrities appear and ask this guy to contact their dead relatives from beyond the grave. Remember that next time any celebrity offers advice on politics, taxes, government, car repair, tying your shoes, brushing your teeth or virtually anything else.

Tommy Lee Likes Banzai S

Noted woman beater and former Motley Crue drummer 54 year old Tommy Lee was seen kissing his 30 year old girlfriend Brittany (of course) Something outside of a sushi restaurant. Sorry I saw her last name but I already forgot it. As I've said before the difference in their ages is absolutely meaningless to me, as anyone 30 years old or over is pretty much the same to me as anyone else. I make no distinction between a 30 year old or 50 year old. I could be wrong but it's my blog and you can't say shit to me. If I was her I'd be more worried about getting my face punched in then whether or not my boyfriend is older than she is. I haven't even brought up her ridiculous shirt yet. Whatever it's your life if you want to walk around in a Budweiser shirt that's totally up to you.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Mariska Hargitay Does Things

Mariska Hargitay was at the Elly Awards yesterday to recieve an award for her Joyful Heart Foundation something something blah blah.  Did you know her mom was Jayne Mansfield? Well, she was. If you need more Jayne Mansfield facts click the Wikipedia link. I guess I'm out of Mariska Hargitay facts.

Johnny Depp is Loony Tunes

Halloween came a little early for Johnny Depp when was in the Haneda Airport yesterday, dressed up like his favorite late 80's poser rock star. I'm not sure which one as they were all mostly interchangeable and pretty much the same. Could it be Hanoi Rocks? Or maybe L.A. Guns? Either way they all sucked. You should know I have that same Johnny Cash shirt. It was 82 degrees with 90% humidity in Haneda Japan on Monday so I'm not exactly sure why he's wearing a leather jacket or why these people insist on dressing like that in the middle of summer. I started to tell this story because it was about how he would sell everything except his private plane but I don't care about this anymore.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Marisa Tomei is Supernatural

Marisa Tomei is in the new Spiderman movie. Which one, I have no idea, it seems like there are three or four of them every year. But who cares I mean look at her. Don't tell me there are no good roles for women "of a certain age" because she's 52. I saw that picture and I was actually surprised. I looked for others just to verify it was a real current picture of her. Okay I'm lying I looked for pictures of her dressed up like Mona Lisa Vito in My Cousin Vinny. I know it's not much of a hobby but it's all I have right now so get off my back.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Courtney Stodden Naked

Here's Courtney Stodden naked from her Instagram. I was looking for something easy to write about and naked women appeal to me so here you go. In case you don't know who she is, she's a 22 year old that looks 44 years old who at 17 years old married a 53 year old guy. I don't remember the circumstances but it was all part of some grand plan for her to become famous. That's it. That's what she does. She posts nude photos of herself. I guess you can't find attractive naked women anywhere on the internet so I suppose she fills a niche. Keep up the good work Corrine.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Justin Bieber is Shirtless and Strong

Justin Bieber posted a picture to Instagram showing what he does on the average Friday night. He wrestles shirtless with his male friends in his living room. Hey man it's 2017 I get it. That's cool with me if that's your thing.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Jordan Barrett is Bad

Jordan Barrett is apparently known as "the bad boy" of male models. I have zero idea what would qualify as a "bad boy" in the world of male models but he is one. I found out that's him on the right, and not a blonde Mexican monkey faced boy that got loose and ran wild in Manhattan. I think he and his friend were on their way to try on necklaces and maybe some bracelets but there was no way in Hell I was reading that much of the story.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Elle Macpherson is at Macy's

This article discussed Elle Macpherson's disastrous love life and string of failed marriages. She's 53 by the way, not 33. It's possible she just hasn't met the right man. It's all real estate moguls, and casino owners, and billioaires with yachts. Why not try a walk on the wild side Elle? How about a sexy, soon to be unemployed blogger? You know what they say, once you go blogger you never go back.

!!!UPDATE!!! Yes I saw the typo too but I thought I'd write this whole sentence telling you to eat shit than taking the easier option of simply fixing it.

Diplo Something Somebody

  Katy Perry said Dildo was the third best lover she ever had. Oh haha. Look at that, I called him Dildo instead of Diplo.
 Katy Perry said during a Witness World Wide livestream interview on Sunday that music producer Diplo was her third most impressive lover with John Mayer coming in number one and Orlando Bloom landing in second place.
 The 32-year-old Slave To The Rhythm singer and the 38-year-old Cold Water songwriter dated briefly in 2014.
I'm not sure who sang what. I think Katy Perry sang the first one, I could be wrong I just guessed because I wanted to sound like I was "in the know". Maybe if you have a mentally deficient teenager you could ask them. Or maybe Google. Try "shitty music".


Saturday, June 10, 2017

Saturday Kady McDermott Bikini Post

Kady McDermott and her giant pre-teen forehead were on the beach in Ibiza frolicking in the water as much as she could without getting her hair, make up, and bikini wet. She's on some UK reality show called Love Island but I have no idea what that is. The UK only shows so many things on their TV stations. Shaun of the Dead, reality shows, soccer, and documentaries about global warming, so you can see why some nobody in a bikini would be huge news to them.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Nina Agdal Does Things

Nina Agdal posted this "selfie" to her Instagram. I wonder who took the picture? Maybe she has one of those newfangled sticks all the cool kids use. But I didn't write this to solve that mystery, I really wrote this to say I used to own a tanning salon. A horrible business frequented by mostly horrible people. Its a long story how I came to own a tanning salon, so if you want to hear it sometime send me a message by carrier pigeon. Anyway Nina Agdal came in there one day to get a spray tan. I didn't recognize her but a girl that worked for me did. There were two reasons I didn't recognize her. First I don't know the names of models, I couldn't care less, and I couldn't pick most of them out of a line up. And two, she looks nothing like that in person. She looked remarkably average. Even slightly below average. Like any teen-aged girl you'd see in a mall. In fact I saw much more attractive girls come in on a daily basis. There was no aura, no heavenly angels singing, just another girl,somewhere in the Chicago suburbs. She seemed very nice. That was a great story wasn't it?

David Beckham is Hot

This story said David Beckham was sweaty. Maybe because he's wearing a winter hat in June? Do I have to think of everything?

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Cher Hits Broadway

A Broadway musical about Cher's life is set to debut in 2018. Slash is set to take the lead role.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Halle Berry is a Dancing Queen

A friend sent me this picture of Halle Berry arriving at the 16th Annual Chrysalis Butterfly Ball dressed like she's headed to Studio 54. She's pregnant? She's 50. I honestly didn't think a 50 year old could get pregnant was what I said when I got the phone call. Whatever you say Halle I was out of town that week.

Bethany Frankel is on the Floor

Bethany Frankel, who became famous for something but I don't remember what, posted this picture of her doing yoga to her Instagram. You can always tell the true D-Listers by how many pictures they post of themselves doing yoga in bikinis, and stretchy clothes. It's mostly her and Halalier Baldwin or whatever Alec Baldwin's wife's name is. Honoria? I don't have a clue. Anyway, I have no idea what the point of this is. Hurray you can pretend to exercise. Because yoga isn't exercise. If you think these women stay so thin by laying on the floor stretching their arms, and legs, you. are.  dreaming. That's not how exercise works. You think they hand out abs like mine to just anybody? I can promise you they don't.