Thursday, September 21, 2017

Karruche Tran is Somebody

Some high maintenance, tawdry z-list bimbo named Karruche Tran wore see through pants to some bar called Catch LA's first anniversary party. Honest to Christ, some of these morons would show up half naked to the ribbon cutting of a new 7-11 if they thought they'd get their picture posted on some shitty celebrity site. Not mine of course mine is the best there is.  Here's a paragraph from her Wikepedia page in case you're interested...
 Karrueche Tran is an American actress and model. Tran initially gained mainstream exposure as the girlfriend of R&B singer Chris Brown before extending her resume to include modeling and acting.
 That clears things up for me, how about you? Her "resume" now includes - in addition to being a groupie - "modeling and acting". My resume includes those things too because it's fun to type stuff on pieces of paper. Why are they always getting in and out of black SUVs? Why do they always have body guards? I didn't know body guards worked for free because I don't see getting your picture at shitty bars paying very well at all. I could be wrong but of course I'm not. See you at the Academy Awards ceremony Karruche. Remember Clint Eastwood drinks his Scotch neat.

Evangeline Lily is Insane

The insanely hot Evangeline Lily dressed up like a wasp for a movie about an Ant Man. That's pretty much all I know and if you think I'm researching this asinine movie you better think again. Doesn't that whole sentence sound fucking stupid to you? Because if it doesn't, it should. What drives you people to throw money at these ridiculous cartoon movies? Were you dropped on your heads? Did your parents pump small doses of carbon monoxide into your bedrooms while you slept when you were kids?  Grown people running around dressed like bugs fighting crime. That's what you're spending upwards of $100 for two or three people with popcorn to see in theaters. Keep it up idiots me and Evangeline need the money for the yacht we're buying together where we'll work on our abs and eat right.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Britney Spears is Cute as Hell

<blockquote class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned data-instgrm-version="7" style=" background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:658px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width:calc(100% - 2px);"><div style="padding:8px;"> <div style=" background:#F8F8F8; line-height:0; margin-top:40px; padding:62.5% 0; text-align:center; width:100%;"> <div style=" background:url(data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAACwAAAAsCAMAAAApWqozAAAABGdBTUEAALGPC/xhBQAAAAFzUkdCAK7OHOkAAAAMUExURczMzPf399fX1+bm5mzY9AMAAADiSURBVDjLvZXbEsMgCES5/P8/t9FuRVCRmU73JWlzosgSIIZURCjo/ad+EQJJB4Hv8BFt+IDpQoCx1wjOSBFhh2XssxEIYn3ulI/6MNReE07UIWJEv8UEOWDS88LY97kqyTliJKKtuYBbruAyVh5wOHiXmpi5we58Ek028czwyuQdLKPG1Bkb4NnM+VeAnfHqn1k4+GPT6uGQcvu2h2OVuIf/gWUFyy8OWEpdyZSa3aVCqpVoVvzZZ2VTnn2wU8qzVjDDetO90GSy9mVLqtgYSy231MxrY6I2gGqjrTY0L8fxCxfCBbhWrsYYAAAAAElFTkSuQmCC); display:block; height:44px; margin:0 auto -44px; position:relative; top:-22px; width:44px;"></div></div> <p style=" margin:8px 0 0 0; padding:0 4px;"> <a href="" style=" color:#000; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none; word-wrap:break-word;" target="_blank">Who says you can’t do fashion week at home! 😜 👠👗</a></p> <p style=" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px; margin-bottom:0; margin-top:8px; overflow:hidden; padding:8px 0 7px; text-align:center; text-overflow:ellipsis; white-space:nowrap;">A post shared by Britney Spears (@britneyspears) on <time style=" font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px;" datetime="2017-09-18T18:58:12+00:00">Sep 18, 2017 at 11:58am PDT</time></p></div></blockquote>
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This is the embed code for a video file on Britney Spears Instagram of her modeling clothes for some reason. I don't know how to share an Instagram post here, either that or Blogger won't let me embed it either one is likely, but just go ahead and click the underlined words trust me.

Donald Glover Wins an Emmy

Donald Glover who has an estimated personal net worth of $12 million dollars slammed President Trump for oppressing him during his winning Emmy speech last night...
"I want to thank Trump for making black people No. 1 on the most-oppressed list," he said. “He’s probably the reason I’m up here.”
 Poor Donald Glover evidently broke his bonds and took the Underground Railroad in the middle of the night to the station where he was picked up by a limousine and handed a $5000 tuxedo to wear on national television to accept a gold plated trophy he can put on the marble mantel of his gigantic fireplace in one of his enormous mansions. And yes I'm well aware that the Underground Railroad wasn't an actual train but it's my blog so I'll describe various modes of transportation how I want. If Don can tell me he's oppressed I can decide how people travel the country.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Lily Tomlin is Still With Us

I didn't watch the Emmy Awards last night although I suppose I should have. In my defense I started watching them but quickly decided shows about ghosts on Destination America where far more entertaining and less scary then watching famous people pat each other on the back. I was surprised to find out Lily Tomlin showed up because I thought she was dead. Unless she's a ghost then I suppose I really did miss something. I don't know what award she won but judging by the picture I'd guess it was "The Former Star That Now Looks Most Like a Muppet" award. So lifelike. Congratulations Lily.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Saturday Fergie Gets a Divorce

BIG NEWS Fergie is getting divorced from whoever it was she was married too. James somebody I think. Anyway who cares that's all in the past now. I'm ready to step in and be a dad to your kids so listen Fergie if you need anything during this heartbreaking time you know where to find me. I'll be hanging around by that bridge in the woods.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Orland Bloom Strong. Like Tree.

Orlando Bloom shared this picture on Instagram. It's a picture of him dead lifting 95 pounds. Watch out, if you ever give him a ride in your car somewhere make sure you open the door for him so he doesn't accidentally rip it off of the hinges. I'm not exactly sure what the dude behind him is doing, but if you ever find yourself asking that question it's probably best to just mind your own business.

Heather Locklear is Wreckless

Heather Locklear was briefly hospitalized in Thousand Oaks, California after driving her car into a ditch. Sort of like her career I guess. See what being involved with anyone from Bon Jovi will do to you? Those guys are like, I don't know. Not King Midas, King Shithands maybe. Remember the band Skid Row? Jon Bon Jovi had something to do with them and where are they now? Who knows. What were we talking about? Oh right. Stay in school kids.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Sara is That You?

Remember when I wrote about Sara Sampaio? Here's a $20 bill forget I said anything.

Katie Holmes Wears a Jacket

Katie Holmes was at Fashion Week and man she gets better looking as she gets older doesn't she? She's almost 40. It's unreal. She looks like, I don't know. I guess if I had to describe it, I'd say she looks like the new office manager that was hired to whip this place into shape, and I have to tell you you're the worst employee we have on this team Bobby and the only way you're going to learn is by having sex with you right here on this desk. Okay boss whatever you say.

Friday, September 8, 2017

Courtny Love is Lifelike

Some guy pushed Courtney Love's wax figure into the premier of a movie about fashion week. I'm kidding of course it's not a wax figure it's really her. I think. Why is she so shiny? Does she have a robot face? Is it all the drugs? I'm not a doctor but I'm going to say yes, it's all the drugs. I will never understand the level of fascination some people outside of the people that have to buy them for Sears or whatever have with clothes. Now there's another movie about fashion week? Get a pair of pants and be done with it, life is really, really short. Why is that guy's neck hole in that shirt so big?  Why is Courtney's outfit so ugly? A tan jacket with a black dress? And those shoes. Why do women have such terrible taste in shoes? So many questions.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Leslie Van Houten Goes Free Question Mark

Manson Family member, and the cutest murderer with a bloody "X" carved into her forehead  Leslie Van Houten has been granted parole after serving more than 40 years for slaughtering innocent people in the middle of the night. California Governor Jerry Brown still has 120 days to decide whether or not to make this official. There's been no word yet about what her plans are if she ever does see the free world again but if I was going to judge by the most current picture of her, I'd guess she was going to move to Austin Texas, buy a Prius and a cat, shop at Whole Foods and protest Ronald Reagan. She would protest Trump but she has to get up to speed. She's a little behind the times and Richard Nixon was still president when she went to prison and it takes a while to figure out which Republican everyone thinks is a Nazi so it can be overwhelming.

Britney Spears Goes to the Gym

I saw this and I forgot I saved this picture of Britney Spears like three weeks ago. I don't remember the connected story and I'm only posting it now so I never, ever lose it again. I'm sorry Britney don't be mad, listen let me take you to dinner. Oh wait you know what? I lost my wallet this morning so will you loan me the money? I'll pay you back I swear.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Jaden Smith is Manly

Jaden Smith was at the GQ Men of the Year Awards while carrying a purse, and that's all you need to know about the GQ Men of the Year Awards.

Michelle Pfieffer Comes in Second

Michelle Pfeiffer was at some awards thing. Probably getting a runner up for their Lifetime Achievement Award Trophy for Sexiness. First place goes of course to me. Better luck next time Michelle.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Lamar Odom is Alive?

Lamar Odom is married to one of the Kardashian idiots but I'm not sure which one. I think that's her in the picture. He's some basketball player or maybe he played football (the real one not that European crap) or maybe he raced Formula 1 and blah blah blah...isn't he supposed to be dead? Wasn't that guy in the hospital literally moments away from death from complete organ failure?  Maybe he is dead and that's his ghost who knows. Maybe his reanimated corpse came back to curse anyone that stole his thick gold neck chains kind of like the Mummy. "Lo and he that may possess my Chains of Gold shall be cursed for 1000 years". Take it easy Mummy Lamar no one wants your tacky jewelry.

Monday, September 4, 2017

Susan Sarandon Takes her Boobs to Venice

I've written about Susan Sarandon and her big boobs before. She's 70. If you're asking me the obvious question the obvious answer is yes I don't even care about her canckles. 

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Britney Bullies Some Nerd

Britney Spears called a fan up onto the stage in Las Vegas and then made fun of him for having alcohol on his breath instead of making fun of him for being a dude in his 20's in Las Vegas attending a Britney Spears concert.

Princess Mary Does Princessy Things

Danish Crown Princess Mary of Daneland or wherever the country of Danish is, showed up for the 30th anniversary of BørneTelefonen, whatever the fuck that is, probably to talk about telephones I guess. I've written about countries that still have royal families before and I still think it's stupid to have a royal family except for the princesses. Mary needs to work on the shoes a little bit, but otherwise they're always very cute aren't they?

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Rachel McCord is a Gun Moll

This story originally started as a way for me to tell you about Rachel McCord attending the premier of her 9/11 movie which I haven't heard of, and how she's still the star of Beverly Hills 90210 which might or might not still be on the air . But it's going to quickly devolve into a story of how she's married to Anthony Biennenventotrioio, a mob wanna be from 1983 Brooklyn. I swear if I didn't know any better I'd bet that guy was joking. A faux hawk a big ring, and thick chain in 2017?  Where did she find him, the time machine convention or maybe the pizza dough spinners championship? If that guy doesn't have a 2015 Camaro I'll eat a bug.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Sara Sampaio Wins Today

I'd seen Victoria's Secret model Sara Sampaio's name floating around for the last couple of weeks and until now I never really paid much attention, but I feel like perhaps I've made a mistake ignoring her. Lord have mercy. She looks like a sexy spy or something. Like, I'm James Bond in the High Roller Room in a fancy casino playing baccarat in a tuxedo and I'm smoking one of those cigarettes on the long holder thing and she slithers up to the table wearing that dress, running her hand across my shoulders, and she says something evil and we both exchange witty remarks then we both quit the spy game and later get married and have a bunch of babies the end.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Russell Brand Stars in "A T-Shirt and Jeans Wedding"

Somebody married Russell Brand this weekend for reasons only she could explain. Her name is Laura Gallacher. Whatever I don't have to sleep next to the guy.  I saw some guests included Noel Gallagher and David Baddiel and my reaction was not THE David Baddiel. Good luck Laura I hope you like folding dago tees.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Saturday Lisa Rinna Post

Here's 54 year old Lisa Rinna in a bikini and cowboy hat in a picture she posted on Instagram. I know there's that whole thing with her face but who cares. Don't you think that's amazing? Because I do. The days of the matronly spinster schoolmarm are long over. Do you realize what her being 54 years old even means? For comparison Francis Bavier, the lady that Played Aunt Bee on the Andy Griffith Show, was 60 years old when that show started. I bet Aunt Bee never wore a cowboy hat. Or maybe she did who knows it's really none of your business anyway.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Mariah Carey Sweeps the Competition

Mariah Carey showed up in Toronto for what I can only assume was some kind of eating contest. I'm not sure if she even records music anymore.

Amy Schumer is Edgy

Amy Schumer posted a topless photo of herself on Instagram. I'm not 100% sure why but my suspicion is as soon as an unfunny "comedienne" begins her long, slow, painful descent into obscurity they break out the boobs (see Chelsea Handler). Someone may have mentioned it to her in a meeting...
"your last movie got bombed worse than Germany in WWII have you thought of topless pictures?"
Way to go. Maybe next time you take a picture call Chelsea she's always looking for something to do.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Iggy Azalea is a Genius Now

Iggy Azalea posted a picture of herself, her eyebrows, and the book she's pretending to read on Instagram. Look how new it is, I bet the first time she ever opened it was when the photographer's assistant handed it to her two seconds before. I can imagine the photographer trying to explain to her how it works. "No open the other side. No the OTHER way. No Iggy listen... turn it over so the words are up...yes that way. No wai- Iggy listen don't bite it, it's not food the open side faces you". And as usual I blocked the moronic comments left by people who now probably think Iggy Azalea is some nuclear physicist because they saw her with a book, with yet another person I don't know that has me blocked on Twitter.

Friday, August 18, 2017

Kenneth Manzanares is Guilty. Of Bad Taste. And Maybe Murder.

Kenneth Manzanares (R) was charged with murdering his wife Kristy (L) and trying to throw her body overboard while on an Alaskan cruise because she "wouldn't stop laughing at him". Dude, I'm laughing at you right now I mean walking around in that t-shirt with those shoes and that haircut? If those things don't scream "Late 30's and on Vacation" I don't know what does.

Jennifer Connelly is on a Boat

I thought I'd try to make it up to you guys for being rude earlier by writing something about a hot girl in a bikini but I hope Jennifer Connelly will do instead because I got tired of looking for stuff to write about. I know they say you can't be too rich or too thin but she looks like a bag of antlers. I bet her elbows are really sharp and hard like the end of a ball pein hammer.

I'm sorry

Sorry about that last post I guess I'm in a bad mood. So here. Look at a picture of some guy that has me blocked on Twitter for no reason I can think of. I never even talked to the guy. Or girl. Whatever man it's too bad you'll be missing all of this hilarity.

Selena Gomez Blows the Weekend

Selena Gomez is destroying her relationship with "The Weekend" whoever the fuck that is. You know what? I'm sick of these sub-morons, I mean really who gives a fuck.  Selena Gomez is a 25 year old multimillionaire idiot that's never had a job or ever had to worry about paying bills or what bills she will or won't pay so she can buy food. She's never rushed out the door late for work to find her car won't start, or worried about how she's going to pay the vet for her sick pet. And whoever heard of The Weekend. Who decides that's a good thing to call themselves. I'm sick of all of these simpletons and you assholes will be lucky if I keep writing about these talentless cretins.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Adriana Lima is Attractive

Adriana Lima wore chaps for a photo shoot in the great outdoors for something, probably the Chaps Store or wherever you buy chaps. I was going to write some more about this but let's just all bask in the wonder of nature shan't we?

Monday, August 14, 2017

Ben Affleck the Generous Giant

Ben Affleck took a present and his weirdly giant body somewhere yesterday (Saturday). He looks like the two headed guy from that Rosie Grier movie where they sew Ray Milland's head onto his body except Ben has only one head. I looked for where he was going but it didn't say. My guess would be a birthday party or something along those lines.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Aaron Carter is Gay. No One Cares

Aaron Carter came out as being gay. Or at least bisexual. And still nobody cared. I have no idea how coming out as being gay helps a faltering or otherwise nonexistent career, but apparently it helps. Someday this will all be over and 30 years from now Ian Michael Black can describe this whole fad to us on the new TruTv show "I Loved the Second Decade of the 2000's" That's just a working title. Fuck you Michael Ian Black.  I'm not even sure what order the words go in his name.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Jennifer Lopez is Active

Jennifer Lopez was spotted while she was on her way to, or maybe from, the gym. Or maybe she was going to get coffee or, judging by the picture, maybe she was on her way to get some donuts. Pick up some of those ones with the red jelly in the middle for me would you?

Hi Lara Spencer

I feel like maybe I don't write about Good Morning America host Lara Spencer enough. Maybe I should. She was on vacation with her geeky husband and kids but I left those pictures out because I won't have nerds on this site nerding up the place. If I had to bet $50 dollars on something, I'd bet it on the fact that that her and her friends go to male strip clubs. I'll take your money I can always use an extra $50 bucks to take Lara out and buy her some shots because if there's one thing that girls that wear fedoras do it's shots.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Beth Stern is Photogenic

Howard Stern's 45 year old wife Beth Stern did a photo shoot for Social Life Magazine and I'm glad she did, I don't even care why. It was mystery to me why she's married to Howard Stern, I mean, have you ever seen the guy? And then I found out he has $600 million dollars and earns $90 million dollars a year. And that opened up a whole new set of questions for me. I don't know why anyone would pay him $9 dollars for anything forget about $90 million but it's not my money, if you want to flush it down the toilet knock yourself out. 

I like to imagine I can hear the conversation when they met...
 "Hi I'm a six foot tall blonde that looks like I escaped from a Nazi genetics program in Switzerland and you look like somebody's Aunt Ethel from the Bronx why would I want to be involved with you? Oh you have $600 million dollars? I bet I could make this work"
It's all in a day's work. Just another mystery of the universe solved by your humble and incredibly handsome blogger.

Kelly Ripa Has a Giant Head

Photo on the right may not be accurate. For representation purposes only
Some guy named Mark Consuelos shared the left side picture of Kelly Ripa on his Instagram, possibly because they're married but I don't know. Are they married? Maybe he's just a really big fan. Otherwise why didn't she take off her hat? Probably to hide her enormous fucking head and she just didn't want to blot out the Sun. That goddamn thing is like one of those big red punching balloons you used to buy when you were a kid. Or at least when I was a kid. Do they even still sell those things? Who knows, with kids today their parents are probably worried punching a balloon sends the wrong message, or maybe they're worried their stupid kid will choke on the rubber band they're supposed to hold on too, or maybe they can't afford a helmet AND a punching balloon who really knows. Honest to Christ what a bunch of sissies kids are now.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Time for a Warning

Know this. If you were this woman, abusing this dog in front of me, I'd punch your fucking head off and there wouldn't be a thing in the world you could do to stop me. If you woke up, you'd never find your dog again.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Beyonce is Classy

Beyonce showed of this classy picture on Instagram of her sipping a fancy wine, or more likely cognac judging by the glass, in a fancy wine drinking place with her fancy new giant baby boobs hanging out everywhere just like all classy and fancy women do. If she wanted everyone to know how much class she has she really should be wearing a top hat while lighting a cigar with a $100 dollar bill. In case you haven't figured it out, I don't care about Beyonce, I don't care about her babies, I don't care about her husband, I don't care about any of it. Her music is repetitive, idiotic and terrible. The only music that's worse is whatever her husband used to sing or rap about or whatever it was he did, but I did feel like I should write something today and you idiots seem to like her for for some bizarre reason which baffles me completely so here you go look at her boobs.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Site News

Alright, well Blogger is aggravating me today because it's been acting weird for a couple of days now. Stuff won't load, things won't update, and on and on, and so is the fact that I just had to pay a plumber $200 because the drain in my house was clogged with grease. It's 2017, why is grease still affecting drains weren't we supposed to be living in space by now?  So anyway, maybe I'll look for something to write about maybe I won't.

Cody Simpson is a Stud

Australian "rocker" Cody Simpson went jogging yesterday with his shirt off. I have no idea why people do that especially since he doesn't look particularly ripped or anything, he looks like a thin 20 year old. Which is exactly what he is. The guy is 20 years old. My goddamn car is 20 years old. Being from Australia I deduced that he probably isn't related to Jessica Simpson although I guess he still could be I mean, you never know right? His running shoes look awfully new. I mean there isn't a piece of dirt or a scrape on them. I bet he's probably running because he just stole them for this photo op.  We have to do something about immigration in this country. All these illegal Australian criminal types coming here committing crimes it's like a damn free for all for these people.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Jessica Simpson Celebrates 1975

Jessica Simpson posted this photo on her Instagram of her at her niece's birthday party where she went dressed up like a girl from a 1970's Breck shampoo commercial or maybe a 70's porn star. Please don't get me wrong I'm not complaining because that shit is hot. Evidently she went with her mechanic for some reason although I'm not sure why. Porno movies are always weird like that I guess.

Kate Beckinsale Leaves Jimmy Kimmel

Kate Beckinsale was spotted in leather pants leaving the Jimmy Kimmel show sans her gay, 22 year old boyfriend and I think she made the right decision. He wasn't man enough for you baby. And I guess her pants are leather I have no idea. I'll have to inspect them more closely later if you don't mind Kate. And I don't know why there are still late night talk shows because I have no idea who still watches that unfunny garbage. I imagine it's all overweight, late night security guards that are falling asleep at their desk with their feet up, a Styrofoam coffee cup in their hand and the TV on while burglars are silently sneaking in behind them. Turn around you fool they're right behind you!

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Naomie Harris Looks Confused

Naomie Harris is a British actress I think. She was a Bond girl in one of the James Bond movies and also in something called Moonlight. Good for her, I hope she keeps the hits coming she sure deserves it an- -She's 40?! I thought she was like 25. Seriously. Hey Naomie how's it going? She was going to see Gangsta Granny which sounds like a movie Homer Simpson would rent but it's a play in West End? I don't know man British people are weird. Well thanks for reading this I have no idea what's going on.

Fergie Gets Wet

Fergie was at the beach in a bikini again. This time a brown one. Why? Who cares. She's 42 you know and has at least one kid. So she's basically the textbook definition of the word MILF.  I tried to ignore her weird belly button and it turns out that's a lot easier than I thought it would be.

Dylan Sprouse Returns!

Good news everyone Dylan Sprouse has returned to acting!
According to MTV News, the 24-year-old is making a comeback for a new indie film titled Carte Blanche.
I have no idea who he is, where he went, or why I'm writing about this. A bigger mystery is why are you even reading this story about him. I do have one question though. Is he bringing that helmet hairdo back too? I hope so because I think that was a good look. 

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Sunday Fun Day with Hugh Jackman

49 year old Hugh Jackman went to the beach on Saturday. He's 49 and in 10 times better shape than you. Whatever man. What a jerk I bet he's a real jerk.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

It's the Magic of Hollywood

The image on the left is Eva Longoria last Sunday. The image on the right is Eva Longoria this past Friday. I'm not sure what happened during those five days and then I remembered she works in Hollywood where they make giant gorillas that can fly UFO's and unfunny assholes like Will Farrell still collect multi-million dollar paychecks and I thought okay yes this makes sense now.

Jon Somebody was Robbed

Model and actor Jon Kortajarena was attacked and robbed in London. I only read far enough to spell his name correctly because I've never heard of this asshole, and I'm still not sure if I spelled it right so I don't know what he was robbed of, but if I had to guess,  I'd say probably his dignity.