Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Hey Big Lips

I was going to write something hilarious about Kris Jenner's giant lip but you know what? I'm not doing it anymore. Even if only one person ever reads this garbage every day I'm not going to be paying attention to, or promoting these useless skin tags in any way anymore. No more Kim, no more Kloe, No more about that idiotic high school moron Kyle or whatever the fuck her name is.  I've had it with them. I'm not going to write about these idiots any more. Unless I can think of something really funny. But for now I just really want them to go away.

Bryan Randall is a Stud

Sandra Bullock's new 49 year old bad ass boyfriend, Bryan Randall (if that is his real name) has another one of those dad bods the girl's are always talking about and he proves it by wearing the same jeans he wore in 1988. In case you were wondering I'm the one he was talking to on the phone. We're going to meet up at The Whiskey a Go Go and check out some cool bands, maybe pick up some chicks you know, bad boy stuff.

Friday, August 28, 2015

Jill Connors is Feisty

I have no idea who this woman is and I've never heard of the television show "Married to Medicine" but there is a reason we're here...
 Jill Connors struck her husband Dr. John Connors in the face and then attacked him with a spoon before allegedly stabbing herself with a knife in an incident that occurred on August 13 in front of the couple's children.
Jill then tried to claim it was her husband who stabbed her with the kitchen knife after he called 911, but police did not believe her story and she was booked for the assault and a charge of cruelty to children.
I'm not writing this because she's a celebrity because she isn't. It's because she has "those eyes" The crazy, wide eyes that look like those round, clear light bulbs you put in your bathroom vanity. When you see those eyes it's time to run in the opposite direction. They always, always have those eyes. Even if you talk to them and they seem perfectly normal and pleasant, and she is physically very attractive (if she's "36" I'm the king of Ethiopia) but just behind those eyes is a swamp filled with insanity gas. I'm sure there's a physical "tell" that men have but since I'm male I don't care what it is. Really you're just going to have to trust me on this. If you don't remember, she got busted for cheating and her solution was to stab herself. You're certainly free to dispute my theory but I don't know how you plan on doing that.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Chelsea Handler is Naked. Again

Chelsea Handler posted a naked selfie on Instagram. Hey, if you can't be funny be shocking right? Or you could get a boyfriend that runs a giant cable television company who knows maybe he'll give you your own show some day.

Demi Lovato is Cute

This was initially about Demi Laovato's sexy new album cover, which I'm surprised they still bothered with. Album covers I mean not sexy pictures hell my computer is full of those. Well, videos anyway. But that's none of your business. No this is about tattoos. Being ultra cool I have plenty of tattoos and I can tell you that cute little psalm or inspirational quote with the tiny little letters is going to be almost completely illegible and nothing but a blue-grey smudge in about 10 years. I know this because I had one covered up. And the ones on your finger? They'll look even worse if it's still even there at all. Girls with tattoos are super sexy but maybe try being original and think of something else would you. Like a tribal arm band or maybe something on your calf. Take it from me, my THE SCORPIONS RULE tattoo will look cool on their next tour you'll see.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Jennifer Lopez Likes Birds

I know it seems like pick on Jennifer Lopez Day but it isn't I swear. I just wanted to ask when she started dating Beaky Buzzard.

Jennifer Lopez Likes Denim

Normally I'd say Jennifer Lopez was pretty hot, especially in 70's clothes, but maybe she shouldn't wear jeans. And I know it's there as an accessory, but I promise she doesn't need a belt, her pants aren't going to fall down. I know she wants to wear it because it's probably expensive since they probably had to melt down a train to acquire enough metal to make that belt but two of her assistants exist simply to help get her pants down over her hips during costume changes. They're paid a lot but I imagine they're worth it.