Lizard Lick Marathon?

Yep that seems about right.

Happy Birthday Eva Longoria

Eva Longoria turns 38 years old today. Yes 38. What that means is, if you're a high school senior reading this, she could very easily be your mother. And you can trust me, if your 38 year old mother looks like that while she's doing the dishes, I'm going to try to have sex with her. I don't really have a joke here because this was more of a fact filled kind of story.

The World Needs You Now More Than Ever

So there was this guy that wanted to be a super hero named Roger. Yep, Roger. He just wanted to do his part to make the world a better place, but  I guess he wasn't so super after all because he got his ass wailed on. He told the Manchester Evening News: 

  "We were recognized when we were walking thorough Clifton and some lads started punching me. "My face was all swollen. After that I still dress up and occasionally patrol, but I mainly dress up for charity appearances. Rebecca has got rid of her costume now."

Christ Almighty what a loser. How will the elderly, and the weak walk the streets now that he's stepped down? I guess the people will just have to fend for themselves now that a 110 pound comic book nerd won't be walking the streets in a cape.  By the way how were you recognized? Isn't that the point of the costume? Or is it the costume that got you recognized? Or maybe they noticed you when you were stepping out of your black Lamborghini when you were out of your costume?

Oh I forgot to mention the best part...

Mr Hayhurst, 20, who used a custom-made £200 blue-and-black lycra costume which his mother helped him buy

HAHA!  I was going to make fun of his virginity while I was at it but he is 20 years old and claims to have a fiance, although I can only imagine what she looks like so your guess is as good as mine whether or not he's still a virgin. My money is still on yes.

Take It Off!

America's First Dancer!  It's about damn time! Sexy!

  ...America’s First Lady can out-pole-dance YOUR First Lady! In what has to be the most mind-blowing picture of what NOT to do as First Lady, we have Michelle Obama entertaining the audience.

 I have no idea what's happening in that picture, and I searched the internet for more information or a video for almost four minutes before I got side tracked. Listen, if you want me to search for stuff on the internet you have to make sure one of the keywords isn't "stripper". I hope that guy knows it's an unwritten rule that the seats at the stage are more or less reserved for people that tip.

If I was there I would've given her a dollar but they get enough of my money.

Since You Love it So Much

Why not build a motorcycle for me for free? I won't stop you.

Aerosmith or Old Lesbians?

Fucking clowns.

Rick Springfield CAN Get Arrested in This Town

 

Good.

"Arrested this am on a bench warrant. I didn't know that I was supposed appear in court a few weeks ago. It was to do with the old DUI charge and it's been cleared up and i am free to go. ... Life is not boring. XOXO"

They should charge him with crimes against humanity. And I was going to make some jokes involving Rick Sprinfield "songs" but who the fuck knows any Rick Springfield songs?