Sydeny Sweeney is Single

 Good news everybody! Sydney Sweeney called off her wedding. She was getting married to some guy named Davino, or Devitto or DaVinci or something. Basically a stupid Italian. I don't know why she called it off, but I imagine she got sick of sitting around listening to him breath through his nose. The reasons aren't really all that important anyway, they never are and ultimately, it's the end result that counts.

By the way, I honestly don't know the real reason so my theory is probably true

At 27, she's slightly below my minimum age requirement, but from the little I've seen she seems super cool and every once in a great while you get a unicorn like that. They're literally probably 1 in 5 million if that, maybe 1 in 10 million. So rare in fact, I've maybe met four or five at the most over the course of my entire lifetime.

Either way you should call me back Syd (I call her Syd). The usual number

Nikki Glaser Gets Hot

 Nikki Glaser looks different now than she did in 2009. There's a lot more information here in the original story if you're interested because I'm not reading all of that.

I don't know why this is a story, but I guess she brought it up. There must've been rumblings about this on the idiot space (internet) so she's trying t get ahead of it by talking about plastic surgery etc...

 There's kind of a stigma around getting face work or investing in your beauty and doing all these procedures,' she explained. 'And there is maybe a little bit of a sadness to it, but I kind of also am like, "Well, it makes my life better."'

And then she delivered this truth bomb: 'People treat you better when you're hotter. It's just a fact. It's a sad fact of life.'

She's right. I've said it 100 times that I do not understand the objection to getting surgery to make yourself look better - as you perceive it - if you have the money. Do it. The technology exists. And I always said if I had the money so much of me would be fake you'd think I was a robot.

Okay and I won't lie to you and this much should be obvious but I think Nikki Glaser is smokin' hot. And honestly she could do whatever she wants. On a scale of one to 10 she's easily an eight. A neck tattoo would make her a 10 but maybe we can work on that.

There's just one problem. Niki Glaser is hot yes, but as she looks now, she's hot in a 20 year old sorority girl that spends every weekend at college basketball parties kind of way. I'd bet anyone that within the last 10 years, she's been to at least seven parties where she's worn a tiara. And if that's what she was going for that's fine, it's her life. I wish I could describe it better but there's my conundrum. Hot, but neither one of us would have anything to do with the each other. And she would be super snotty about it. At least that's the idea I'd get if I saw her in a jam packed bar where she was drinking green, lite beer and wearing a ton of beads around her neck. 

If it sounds like I have experience with this I do. I see these people all the time, stumbling down Fullerton Avenue and Clark Street all Summer long. Grow up Nikki.

Danica Patrick NUDE

 Danica Patrick posted a bikini selfie because that's what women do. Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining but imagine if dudes were constantly doing this. Posting constant pictures of themselves in their underwear. For all I know they do, you people are so friggin weird.

She's hot though isn't she? So this is okay, plus she's over 40 and races cars, or at least she used to race cars, I think she's mostly retired from that I know almost nothing about NASCAR. They drive fast in circles. That's all I know. I mean how much more perfect can you get. Unless she starts driving top fuel dragsters oh man. 

For a while I was worried I was going to get tricked like what happened with Jillian Michaels, but no, thankfully, it turns out everything is cool

 

Carolyn Murphy. 50 Year Old Super Model

They said Carolyn Murphy looked great at 50 years old. The only problem is, in which picture is she 50? I assume the one on the right since that one looks a lot less 1996. If she's 50 now she must've been 19 in the picture on the left. They also said she was a super model in the 90s but I'll have to take their word for that too.

See this is how you get older. Take care of yourself and watch what you eat over the course of your lifetime and you're still a babe no matter how old you get. Or of course you can do what most people do. Eat Taco Bell four nights a week and get that cleavage that starts at your neck and stretches so low it reaches out of frame in your selfies (for women) or grow a goatee and shave your head and wear black t-shirts that barely stretch over your beer gut when you guys go see that Poison cover band at Radishes Bar and Grill (for guys).

 

Brooks Nader Defies the Ages

 Someone wrote about Brooks Nader again. They keep calling her 29 despite the fact that she's clearly very obviously 40. The whole story centered around her going to dinner at Chateau Marmont in Hollywood on Saturday night which I didn't think movie stars did since the 1940s...

"Here's Clark Gable and Al Capone arriving at the Cateau Marmont for dinner in his Cord Boattail Speedster. Hopefully they can avoid a drunken Peter Lorre on this fine summer's eve"

Anyway, nobody is saying she's not a babe, I'm just saying she isn't 29 and I'm genuinely insulted that anyone would think we're stupid enough to believe that she is. And if she actually IS 29 (she isn't), just imagine what she'll look like when she really does turn 40. And that's just 11 short years from now. Poor girl.

Tom Holland is Dumb

 

Tom Holland is still walking around in a mask. 

In 2025. 

I just thought you'd like to know.

Katy Perry Gets Cancelled

Katy Perry might have to cancel at least part of her upcoming tour due to low ticket sales...

 The source said that the supposedly low ticket sales were 'starting to get very concerning, as we need those big dates to be full.'

Moreover, rumors are flying that 70% of tickets for a Minneapolis show and 60% of tickets for a Raleigh show are still available.

'We hope no concerts will be cancelled, as it would be a huge blow and disappointment,' asserted the insider.

You know why this is happening? No one cares. Katy Perry's first hit was in 2008, nearly 20 years ago. Most of these types of acts have a shelf life of 4-6 years. Tops. The fact that she managed to stay somewhat in the spotlight means nothing. I bet only a handful of people - even her "fans"-  can name more than two of her songs. Would you spend $400 per ticket to hear two songs? Obviously not. Frankly, aside from being good looking I don't even know how she managed to stay relevant this long.

Katy Perry is a Grrrl Power oldies act now. People born in 2008 are heading into their 20's anyone younger doesn't know who Katy Perry is. If she was smart she'd wait another 10 or 15 years and she can go on one of those nostalgia tours like Smashing Pumpkins or Green Day so people can relieve their youth like Gen X people do now. Plus her tits will probably still look good.