Heidi Klum Cleavage Boobs

 They said Heidi Klum "showed off her cleavage" which was mostly a lie, she didn't, because believe me I looked. Apparently this all took place on America's Next Top Model, which I had absolutely no idea was still on TV. 

Heidi Klum is fuckin' smokin' but I get the very distinct feeling that being married to her would be exactly like being married to Paul Lynde. Okay let me explain. I think being married to either one of them would be like being surrounded by horseflies. At first it's kind of kooky and weird and fun and then after a while you notice yourself swatting at them and then eventually they would just drive you insane. I don't know why, it's just a feeling I get

Kelly Osbourne Winning Ugly

 

Kelly Osbourne lost some weight. Like A LOT of weight. Seriously, do they see themselves? Kelly Osbourne is not physically ugly in any way. Well, she wasn't, now I don't even know who that person is on the right. She looks like a Halloween decoration and you know what, she doesn't even know it. She must be almost literally skin and bones and she looks dead. 

I'm going to talk about myself again but there's a point so hear me out. I've also always had an issue with my appearance, and I've mentioned this. No big deal lots of people do. Well one day I got tired of exercising etc and not seeing the results I wanted so I talked to a body builder guy I knew and he wrote down a diet for me that they use to cut weight before a competition. You know what I mean, you've seen the pictures, Arnold Schwarzenegger and all that.. 

Any way that diet worked and when I say worked it fucking worked. I lost so much weight so fast people thought I was dying. No joke. They were afraid to even mention it that's how bad it was. I was down to nearly 175 pounds, and something like 6% body fat. 175 pounds sounds like a lot but not when you're six foot one and have a more athletic build. And I'm telling you all of this because I didn't know it. It wasn't somethig I even saw on my radar, as far as I was concerned I was still fat.  My skin was grey, I looked like I spent all week smoking meth in my backyard, and I was like the walking dead. 

So I promise, Kelly doesn't notice if she did, she'd stop

Site Update

 I suppose one day I'll simply stop writing here. I've been doing this for a long time. Too long. Way more than 10 years and the "news", such as it is, is always on repeat with the same thing over and over again. However...

I just found out who Ella Langely is. I know, I know, she's 26 and below my age requirement but there's just something about a woman in aviator sunglasses. Like polka dots, I just can't explain it. Both of those things transcend age. You know, for me, this is kind of like when Moe hears the word Niagara Falls. 

Thank you Ella for reinvigorating my desire to dredge my way through another 15 years of celebrity dreck, to write these stories that nobody reads.

Demi Lovato BIKINI PICS

 Demi Lovato put on a bikini and danced on a boat and absolutely nobody cares. I don't get the appeal. She's attractive enough I guess, but what little of the "music" she makes that I've actually heard from her sounds no different than any one of the at least half dozen "artists" I can think of off the top of my head. Utterly indistinguishable. Is it me?  And I thought she was a junkie. Did they fix that problem? Or is that why she's so thin now. You know, for having an addiction to opiates of any kind you'd think her music would be better.

No This is NOT Happening

I absolutely refuse to write about this. If you want to read about these a-holes just click here. Because I'm not doing it. 

Kristin Cavallari SEX NUDE PORNO

 Kristin Cavallari is talking about her sex life again. At this point, what is there we don't know?  In fact, it's probably all anyone knows or remembers her for now. IF they remember at all. And that's fine, want to talk about sex? I'm game. but there needs to be more than that otherwise this is just cheap attention seeking 

"Oh look the attractive blonde likes to give blow jobs!" Okay and? You guys realize that, that kind of thing wears off relatively quickly, right?  I once dated a girl that was so hot and such a freak she was barely human but after about four weeks I couldn't stand to even be in the same room with her. I guess I get it if you've never had, or will never have that experience but trust me, this is very boring

 

 

Taylor Swift is a Giant

 

Taylor Swift went out to dinner with Sabrina Carpenter and oh my god who gives a fuck. Taylor Swift is done and at best Sabrina Carpenter has until the middle of next year. I'm sorry you had to read that here first. 

It'll take a while for Taylor Swift to go away because she was such a global phenomenon (think Madonna) but she's already fading, albeit very slowly. Her latest album was received - shall we say - very poorly. Seriously, when's the last time you heard someone talk about it?  Sabrina Carpenter on the other hand will disappear faster than an ice cube kicked under the refrigerator (remember Bebe Rexha? How about Carly Rae Jepsen?) . So I hope she's saving some money. Enjoy your dinner ladies. And your retirements.