Ana de Armas and Tom Cruise Hit the Rocks

 Ana de Armas and Tom Cruise broke up. I bet you didn't even know they were a couple. I sure didn't. 

 'Things were moving fast and she started to get a little uncomfortable with how fast it was going,' the insider shared. (Ana) 'put the brakes on' but 'still likes [Tom] a lot' the source added, sharing the two have 'undeniable chemistry'. 

 So there you have it. I like Tom Cruise I guess. As much as you can like an actor you've never met. In other words I have nothing against him. Ana de Armas is hot, but I don't think I've ever seen her in a movie. Is that what she does? I really have no idea. I probably shouldn't talk about these people as much as I do since I have almost no knowledge of anyone that wasn't in a movie before 1999 and I really I couldn't possibly care less about who is dating who.  

Tom Cruise is 63 and Ana is 37 but no one's mentioned that age gap which seems odd to me since there's a nearly 30 year spread between them. I bet it's because people are afraid of Tom Cruise. Like I said I'm mostly indifferent to him but he seems like a fucking lunatic for some reason. Anyway, better luck next time you crazy kids. 

 

 

 

Nelly Furtado Packs it Away

 

 

 Nelly Furtado said she's giving up the music business because people called her fat. I was looking for a blurb to post in a link so you could click it but I'll just post the original story here instead. If you're interested. You aren't. No one cares. Nelly Furtado can retire and eat blueberry muffins smothered in butter and maple syrup until she needs a Hoveround for all I give a shit.

 Here's an idea. If you got famous at least partially for looking good by the modern definition, don't stop doing that. I don't complain when people say my muscles are too big.

 

 

Britney is Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

 Huh. Imagine that. If only there was some kind of... I don't know... maybe something like hiring somebody or have someone from her family - like her dad - watch over her and her legal and financial affairs. Maybe something like a conservatorship. I wonder why they don't just do that

More proof that listening to people from the internet is a gigantic mistake. I really don't know how to make it any more clear. Easily 85% of the people on this thing are mentally retarded. And I mean that by the old school 1970s definition. Special classes and simple assembly jobs in a factory to keep their hands and minds occupied instead of handing them a computer that can have sweeping effects on civilization and people like you and me 

Bridget Fonda Loses Weight

 

Bridget Fonda is losing weight. Who cares, you might say to yourself and you'd be right. But I know how this happened. Bridget Fonda saw the pictures. I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying that because I've been there.

 Let me explain really quick.

 I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I was pretty young. Either still in high school or the few years after. If I remember, it was the first few years after. My friends called me "Bitch Tits" and "Fat Back" and stupid, teenaged, shit like that. It was from too much beer and shitty fast food etc. etc., you know the drill. The insidious thing is, you don't really notice it. You just think they're hassling you or whatever. I don't remember what triggered me to fix this problem - honestly I try to not think about it too much -  but I guarantee it was external. I think it was when I signed up for karate classes shortly before or just after my 18th birthday. I don't remember how it happened but that's a rough time frame. 

 Maybe I saw a reflection in the mirror, or maybe the instructor (Bill was his name) said something, honestly I don't remember, but it was like being hit by lightning and I think I vowed to fix the problem that I didn't even really know that I had. 

So that's how some people get into that kind of situation. I imagine it's a lot easier to wind up in a place where you're fat and lazy, and make no mistake, barring some medical condition that's what it is, and I know that because remember, I was there. And I imagine it's especially easy if you come from a world famous acting dynasty, have a bunch of yes men and people pleasers surrounding you along with a bunch of kids and have untold millions of dollars at your disposal. Will she ever go back to 25 year old Bridget Fonda? Maybe. Probably not, but she's only 61 so trying to get back to that can only do her a lot of good. Not only for her health but for how she sees herself. Trust me. I know.

Jessica Simpson Wears the Hat in the Family

 

I'm only writing about Jessica Simpson again because I love girls in cowboy hats and I have no idea why. Most any hat really, I know it's kind of weird. Also I LOVE that 1940's net thing. You know what I mean? You see it in old movies where some lady who's in mourning or at a funeral or something is wearing one. It was connected to their hat somehow? I don't know but I'm sure you know what I'm talkig about if you aren't 13 years old. I can't explain it, it's probably something sexual, it usually is.

This was connected to a story about how she grew up poor because her dad only made $30,000 a year. Oh the horror. Can you imagine?  Just $30,000 a year? For shame. And this is when she was little so what, 1991? 1995?  Actually $30,000 in 1995 was not that bad. You couldn't retire on it or anything but you could also buy a decent used car in 1995 for $2000. 

 And trust me. Jessica Simpson is from Texas and she's hot enough that she was never going to have to worry about money, whether or not she became famous. Listen, let's face it. It may not be fair but hot blondes with porn star bods and big boobs are seldom seen starving in the street. And if you see one let me know because I'd like to help

 

Kristen Bell is Mean and NAKED

 

Kristen Bell said something kind of stupid on social media. What a surprise. She wrote this under a photograph of her husband on Instagram that she posted for their anniversary...

'Happy 12th wedding anniversary to the man who once said to me: "I would never kill you. A lot of men have killed their wives at a certain point. Even though I'm heavily incentivized to kill you, I never would.'

 Social media is a plague in humanity and will usher in a new Dark Age where everyone will suffer and the nitwits in Europe that are drunk by 4:30 pm and foreign teenagers living in countries where they shit in a hole in the floor of their dining room and eat rice with their hands aren't happy about what she said.

  Was it a stupid thing to say? I don't know, I'm not the word police and Instagram has far surpassed 4Chan as the absolute worst place on the internet so I would never use Instagram as a measuring stick for anything.

 In terms of drag racing, Instagram is a 10,000 horsepower rear engine dragster, and 4Chan is a Bugatti Veyron. They're both fast but in a drag race it's not a contest. The dragster wins every time. 

I have an idea, it'll be 2026 in a couple of months, if you have intermittent electricity or no indoor plumbing where you live, maybe get off of Instagram and start fixing some of that shit before you get mad at what some person that doesn't even know you're alive says. Especially if your power will suddenly go out during the summer monsoons.  

 I'm not protecting Kristen Bell. She'll never see this, and she doesn't know I'm a person on Earth. I'm just really starting to hate social media, but I've always loved Kristen Bell so she can say whatever she wants to me, and the dirtier the better. I still don't understand how or when she morphed into "Everyone's favorite housewife" so that's kind of super weird to me, but we can work through this together.

Scarlett Johansson Sex Toys

I was going to write about Scarlett Johanssen or however the fuck you spell her name but I decided against it because no one gives a shit. Here she is getting an award for something that looks like a giant sex toy you might see in porno movies or1970s horror snuff films. 

Good job Scarlet, I hope you enjoy your award for "Slowly Turning into a Hot Target Employee"