Jennifer Lawrence is That You?

They said this is Jennifer Lawrence but I have my doubts. I saved this story days and days ago and never got around to reading it or writing about it so I have zero idea what it was about and now you don't have to know either. I'm taking their word for it that that's actually her and not her reptilian replacement. 

 I will say however that my attitude toward Jennifer Lawrence has taken a 180 degree turn and maybe, just maybe she isn't as awful as I originally thought.You know what might change my mind? Some nudes. Or maybe even a video. I know she's older and has kids now but that's the very definition of MILF. Maybe that's what signaled my change in attitude but I have no idea, who am I Sigmund Freud?

Kylie Jenner Bikini Nude

 Animated, rubber faced, latex sex doll Kylie Jenner put on a bikini and sat around. I can't believe you're still talking about these Jenner/Kardashian people. You know who's still talking about them? People in England. Fashions move from West to East, so celebrities and fashion that's popular in California takes 3-6 years to reach the East Coast, and apparently 25 years to reach the UK. People in England are just now getting Affliction shirts. 

You know who you remind me of? Those frazzled old Boomers that still complain about Richard Nixon like the guy hasn't been dead for 30 years. Get with it grandpa, the Vietnam War ended 50 years ago.

 

Danica Patrick BIKINI NUDE.

Oh look, Danica Patrick. In a bikini. What a... surprise. I won't lie though, I'm glad she did this. And I like a girl with a nice stomach like that. Almost like a fitness model. But that's the limit. Anymore than that and things would start to get weird and uncomfortable for me.
 

 

 

Nicole Scherzinger BIKINI NUDE

 I thought I'd try to be better about staying on top of this in 2026. Why? For no reason, just to do it I guess, just like always. It's pathetic but it's a hobby. 

So I thought I'd come back with a story about a girl in a bikini. Nicole Scherzinger. She's attractive and has a nice body and goes on vacation a lot. That's it. She doesn't do anything else. She's not interesting in any other way, this is all she has to offer anyone. I've been seeing stories about Nicole Scherzinger on the internet for at least 10 years and this is it. She doesn't save animals, she doesn't travel to jungles and find lost cities, she doesn't go sky diving, collect art or talk about WWII... this is it. 

I hope these hot, famous women I've been reading abut since the 1990s are more interesting in real life then they are on gossip websites, but I'm starting to get the idea that they aren't. I can't imagine how awful it would be to be married to her or even just living with her.

Have you ever been to the beach? I have. I lived in Florida. You see that picture in the header? That's the beach. There's sand and there's water. That's it. Sand and water. And also A LOT of very fat people in less clothes than you ever wanted to see, only now they're wearing Crocs too. You have to find a place to park, you have to do a lot of walking, plus there's a very real possibility you could be swept away by a rip current and drown. It happens every day. Just trust me if you haven't been to the beach you aren't missing anything 

Anyway, Nicole Scherzinger in a bikini. Yadda yadda. 

Heidi Klum Cleavage Boobs

 They said Heidi Klum "showed off her cleavage" which was mostly a lie, she didn't, because believe me I looked. Apparently this all took place on America's Next Top Model, which I had absolutely no idea was still on TV. 

Heidi Klum is fuckin' smokin' but I get the very distinct feeling that being married to her would be exactly like being married to Paul Lynde. Okay let me explain. I think being married to either one of them would be like being surrounded by horseflies. At first it's kind of kooky and weird and fun and then after a while you notice yourself swatting at them and then eventually they would just drive you insane. I don't know why, it's just a feeling I get

Kelly Osbourne Winning Ugly

 

Kelly Osbourne lost some weight. Like A LOT of weight. Seriously, do they see themselves? Kelly Osbourne is not physically ugly in any way. Well, she wasn't, now I don't even know who that person is on the right. She looks like a Halloween decoration and you know what, she doesn't even know it. She must be almost literally skin and bones and she looks dead. 

I'm going to talk about myself again but there's a point so hear me out. I've also always had an issue with my appearance, and I've mentioned this. No big deal lots of people do. Well one day I got tired of exercising etc and not seeing the results I wanted so I talked to a body builder guy I knew and he wrote down a diet for me that they use to cut weight before a competition. You know what I mean, you've seen the pictures, Arnold Schwarzenegger and all that.. 

Any way that diet worked and when I say worked it fucking worked. I lost so much weight so fast people thought I was dying. No joke. They were afraid to even mention it that's how bad it was. I was down to nearly 175 pounds, and something like 6% body fat. 175 pounds sounds like a lot but not when you're six foot one and have a more athletic build. And I'm telling you all of this because I didn't know it. It wasn't somethig I even saw on my radar, as far as I was concerned I was still fat.  My skin was grey, I looked like I spent all week smoking meth in my backyard, and I was like the walking dead. 

So I promise, Kelly doesn't notice if she did, she'd stop

Site Update

 I suppose one day I'll simply stop writing here. I've been doing this for a long time. Too long. Way more than 10 years and the "news", such as it is, is always on repeat with the same thing over and over again. However...

I just found out who Ella Langely is. I know, I know, she's 26 and below my age requirement but there's just something about a woman in aviator sunglasses. Like polka dots, I just can't explain it. Both of those things transcend age. You know, for me, this is kind of like when Moe hears the word Niagara Falls. 

Thank you Ella for reinvigorating my desire to dredge my way through another 15 years of celebrity dreck, to write these stories that nobody reads.