Johnny Depp Robs the Old Cradle

 Attention everybody! Johnny Depp has a new girlfriend! Or at least that's what they're calling her. Yeah she looks like a Johnny Depp fan. If she doesn't have a bluebird tattoo on at least one of her shoulders I'll eat my hat. And she already looks like she's gone through her steampunk phase. Here's her Instagram if you want to check for me. 

They describe her as "half his age" which, numerically is probably accurate, however that also makes her 30 or 31. I know 30 year olds that travel four days a week for work (all by themselves!), have three kids, two car payments and a mortgage. So it's not as if theses two are going out for ice cream after seeing a PG movie. SHE'S IN HER THIRTIES.

When are you people going to start getting this through your thick skulls. Age gaps mean nothing. Would I have dated a 40 year old woman when I was 23? Yes. I would have. And as a matter of fact I did. Is that why this doesn't bug me? Because I have experience with this?  She's 30 or 31 not 17. I got some news for you. If you're 35, an older man to you is in his mid to late 40s or maybe his 50's. Not 24. 

It happens, you're very nearly middle aged now. Most people only live to be 80 or so (if you're lucky).  

I admit they didn't seem to make as big a deal about their age difference this time and maybe that's because she is in her 30s as opposed to being a 21 year old cosmetology school drop out like somebody named Leo seems to chase after. Either way, it's time for you shit birds to grow up a little.

Kendra Wilkinson Squeezes Back into Dating

Kendra Wilkinson has been trying top get on some "high-end" celebrity (?) dating app called Raya and she's been waiting for four years. I can't imagine why they haven't approved her..

"It's hilarious because the universe is talking to me. I tried to get on Raya and it's been four years on the waiting list,' I swear to God and they will not let me in. So the universe is basically saying, "We're not ready for you. Dating world, Kendra is not coming in. You better, you better wait an extra five years."'

 I put on my thinking cap and figured it out but I think I'll keep that supersized chicken nugget meal of an answer to myself. Best of luck Kendra have fun dating weirdo Hollywood actors. Or at least the not gay ones. Eventually

Eva Longoria Update

 

 

Eva Longoria talked about why she "fled" America and if I didn't think she was one of the hottest women on Earth I wouldn't care if she knew the answer to eternal life. I saved this picture last week so I've long since forgotten what she said and it doesn't matter anyway because they'll ask her again in two weeks since it doesn't seem like she has anything else of any interest to say. Good you live in Spain. Good for you. I hear they have good tacos there.

She's still smoking hot though so it all sounds like music to me.

WARNING WARNING

 I'm not sure what exactly in this post is "sensitive material" but that's what happens when you raise your kids to be a bunch of intolerant, prudish, puritanical nut bags. Imagine being - let's say 25 or younger - and finding anything written there "offensive". The whole world is going to be in a lot of trouble soon.

Lindsay Lohan Ages Gracefully

Lindsay Lohan went to her plastic surgeon and said, "Make me look like a 48 year old mother I'd like to know  prong star" (editor's note: edited for your safety) and he did. You have to admit he or she is good at their job, and it's not like I'm not complaining. She's 38 years old now anyway so its really not that much of a stretch. Just further proof that my theory that women get better looking after 35 is correct.

By the way, the page where I steal these from is so ad heavy and has so many auto-play videos in the sidebars that it hangs up my PC for extended periods of time so I had to close the site before I found out where she was or what she was doing. Let's face it nobody cares anyway.

Chloe Fineman is Somebody

 In case you weren't aware, Chloe Fineman is on SNL. I'm glad I saw this story because if I hadn't, I might have gone my entire life without ever knowing her name or hearing anything about her, or know she existed.

I imagine being on SNL these days is like being a librarian at some fancy school or something somewhere. You get to stand around drinking wine with people that have sweaters draped across their shoulders and they all discuss "books" and about how they imagine it would be good for people that aren't them to volunteer for various things while they all sound like Thurston Howell when they talk.

Oh and by the by Elon Musk made her cry (eye roll emoji)...

Fineman said that Musk had been brutally critical of her work during a late night writing session. 

'You made I, Chloe Fineman bust into tears because I stayed up late writing a sketch, I was so excited, I came in, I asked if you had any questions and you stared at me like you were firing me from Tesla and were like 'It's not funny.'''

That!? That's what made her cry? He didn't threaten her, her didn't try to get her removed from her job?  He didn't buy the orphanage where she grew up and bulldoze it to the ground so he could replace it with a toxic waste dump? By the way, Chloe Fineman is apparently 36 years old and not 11 like I originally thought despite the fact that she cried because somebody criticized her. 

I don't know how you could be simultaneously tough enough to be a comic in supposedly super tough New York, and having some guy you don't really know make you cry by saying something you wrote wasn't funny. But I suppose that's the world we live in today

Get Out the Vote

 Imagine spending six months saying everybody has to vote and so then they do, but they vote for the wrong guy

Cardi B is Fed Up

 What is she going to do, drug them and steal their wallets?  I knew a half dozen Cardi Bs when a girlfriend managed a "gentleman's club". If she hadn't bumbled her way into whatever it is she does now, she'd be spending her weekends bailing her boyfriend out of jail and getting arrested for shoplifting baby clothes from WalMart.

Chloe Grace Moretz Just Made Herself More Interesting

 Good news everybody! Chloe Grace Moretz is gay now. I don't know why people announce this kind of thing since honestly no one cares, but on the other hand it gives me something to write about. And I suppose it makes someone that you never think about more interesting. They called her "The Carrie star" and when they say that I assume they mean the one you never saw from almost 15 years ago and not the one from 1976. 

The original Carrie was only sort of okay I guess. I saw it once a long time ago so I barely remember it but it has John Travolta in it so that's something. Plus The Greatest American Hero is in it too. 

Like I said I don't remember much about the original, but the Carrie from that one was kind of a babe so I don't know why nobody asked her to the prom.

 If I'm correct it's a Stephen King story so I'm sure there's a lot of implied weirdness about (his) sexual hangups, (his) bad relationships with his mother, how he hates religion etc., etc.,  yadda yadda.... You know, the kind of thing he's been writing about for 60 years.

Anyway I'm getting sidetracked here. Here's what Chloe had to say about being free to say she's gay or whatever...

 I believe the government has no right over my body as a woman, and that the decisions over my body should come ONLY from myself and my doctor,' she added. 'Kamala Harris will protect that for us. 

'I believe in the need for legal protections that protects the LGBTQ+ community as a gay woman,' Moretz continued.

'We need protections in this country and to have access to the care we need and deserve.'

 Good. The white 28 year old millionaire (I assume she's a millionaire) needs more protections. I'm not sure from what, but at least she's fighting her pretend war for them. She also said the healthiest relationship she's seen is the one her gay brother (Joey Brace Moretz?) was in, so he's gay, she's gay, every one is gay so we're all gay now, which is nice I've always wanted better abs

Ryan Reynolds and Martha Stewart are in Love

 Cool. The two most annoying people on Earth are feuding. With any luck they'll end each other and we can all move on

Beyonce Rocks

 Beyonce dressed like Prince for Halloween. I don't get everyone's obsession with Prince, I remember Prince, I also remember not liking Prince when he was alive, but the guy dropped dead, and all the sudden he was this musical genius that was the greatest guitar player that ever lived? I guess people that think that haven't heard many other guitar players. He was a better guitar player than me but that's not saying much.

I think it was because he died out of the blue like that, and everyone freaked out because it was unexpected. There's probably some kind of psychological reason for it but I don't know or care enough to try to find out. I think most people just say they loved Prince so they can get praise from other people that say they love Prince, sort of a virtue signaling band wagon.

Here's a little test. Next time someone says they love Prince, ask them to name even one song that wasn't Purple Rain, I would Die 4 You, 1999, or Little Red Corvette then sit back and watch the information flow.

Marry Me Eva Longoria

 

 I was going to write how Eva Longoria "left" Hollywood to move to Spain but I was mostly interested in Eva Longoria in what looks like a a wedding dress so I pretty much forgot about everything else. 

I'm sure Spain is a very beautiful place to live if you have $50 million dollars in the bank and you aren't eating apples and rhubarb that you have to buy from some guy walking with a fruit cart that's being pulled by a donkey. I very, very briefly entertained the idea of moving to Belize after a visit there, but quickly realized that it's basically a pretty beach that's surrounded by an insect and jaguar filled jungle and you can't just get in your car and go to a WalMart to buy milk. You might have to actually milk a cow for that, like you live in WWII or something. There is no Home Depot, you don't get to just run to the Ace Hardware because you need a screw, you my friend, are on your own. Oh and you better buy a weekly subscription to Off! insect repellent because you're gonna need it. Do you want to wind up in a hospital in Belize? Even after all the BS stuff you read about "U.S. Healthcare system"... Trust me. You don't. Unless you like being treated for witchcraft with leeches.

People that live in America that have never left America and say "we need to be more like Country X" really have no idea how good they have it here.  I've had friends that have moved to various countries all around the world and guess what, they ALWAYS, come back. 

Despite what people on the internet tell you, immigration to the US is all one way. They're coming here, not going there. So get your shit together and grow up

Joy Corrigan is Standard

 

 

 Yesterday was Halloween so that means every B-List model and actress overloaded the Frederick's of Hollywood website for the last 30 days ordering their "sexy veterinarian's assistant" costumes. I honestly don't know how Joy Corrigan dressed up like a cheerleader looks any different than she usually does the other 364 days out of the year. That's probably what she wears to the grocery store on Thursdays.

Seriously, the whole Halloween "sexy whatever" costume trend means absolutely nothing now that hot women are walking around like this in public for no reason pretty much every day. So as usual you shit birds found a way to ruin what used to be a good thing