Jessica Simpson Takes a Pass

Jessica Simpson wore a bikini to "show off her revenge body" after her split from "Eric Johnson". Did she show him what he's missing? 

Eric Johnson and Jessica Simpson were married for 10 years and have three kids together. Being the only male in the room, I can promise you Eric Johnson knows exactly what he's missing. I'm making up this scenario in my head but it's pretty easy to imagine... 

He's missing a brain dead idiot who most likely was passed out at the kitchen island by 2 pm every day. And if she did bother to wake up and brush her hair she probably took day time cold medicine to stay awake long enough to mix a few more drinks. Allegedly. All of that is just a guess of course. Go ahead and guess, give it a try.

REESE WITHERSPOON GOES TO WAR

 Are Reese Witherspoon and Kate Winslet feuding? Why don't you read this story and let me know.  Of all the things I don't care about, I care about this the least. I don't normally think about Reese Witherspoon and haven't since Legally Blonde in 2001. And when I hear "Kate Winslet" I assume she's in another period drama about The Irish Republican Army or something set in the UK the 1940s or 1950s where everyone drives around in British taxi cabs and she wears a shawl or something. 

 If anything a fight between these two might actually make them less boring

Kylie Jenner BOOBS NUDE

 Plastic faced, latex sex robot, Kylie Jenner put on an unreasonably expensive dress and took her tits somewhere for Paris Fashion Week. I hope they had a good time. By the way, this is a picture of a picture. I don't know why someone with an entire staff of photographers and photo shop artists would post this on their Instagram but she did.

On the other hand the picture itself does look kind of cool, the way it sort of looks like something out of They Live where they break into the broadcast TV shows with their pirate messages, you know what I man? Of course you do. Whatever, I hope her tits enjoy their time walking around Paris, eating croissants with cheese or whatever they do over there

Bill Belichick is a Stud

 Bill Belichick has a 24 year old girlfriend named Jordan Hudson. I don't get this one at all. You all know how I feel about "age gaps" but this one is sort of weird to me. I've seen stories about this relationship for a while now but I don't know who Bill Belichick is so I just mostly ignored it.

 It tuns out he has something to do with football and he isn't the befuddled manager of the grocery store in Mayberry. She's obviously a lunatic, I mean just look at her so the less said about her the better, I don't need her showing up at my house with all the free eggs she's getting.

Site Update

 I'm sorry gang, I know I said I'd try to write more stuff in 2025 for the eight people that actually read this crap, but I got sicker than I've even been in my life on Tuesday night. It was very weird, one second I was absolutely fine then a minute later I couldn't make it up the stairs to get in bed. It was like someone drugged me. The weirdest thing is how fast it's gotten to the point where I can write this but man I still can't sift through all that celebrity crap right now.

Two things, I'll be fine by tomorrow I'm sure, and secondly, I used to think Kristen Bell was the hottest human female on Earth before she somehow morphed into America's Sweetheart Housewife. It doesn't have to be this way ladies.

Elsa Pataky Nude Beach

Most people are talking about some new guy becoming president so I thought I'd switch it up and talk about Elsa Pataky at the beach. Her husband was around there somewhere but no one gives a shit about him. For real when's the last time you thought about Elsa Pataky's husband.

I'm not really sure why, but I actually prefer a one piece bathing suit on a woman as opposed to a bikini. Maybe it's some weird psycho-sexual hang up I have no idea. I've never bothered to look for an answer because I'm not ruining anything. 

I once looked up why guys like women in high heels and from what I read, it has something to do with women looking physically unstable in heels and it triggers some kind of primitive rescue reaction in the man's brain which sounds like a bunch of bullshit gobbledygook to me so I stopped checking why people like things. I just do and that's good enough for me

Sofia Vergara: The Nude Cougar Files

Sofia Vergara is rumored to be dating "F1 megastar" Lewis Hamilton. Being an F1 megastar is kind of like being the smartest kid on the short bus. 

They called her a "cougar" because he's younger than her, apparently forgetting that he's a 40 year old man. 40 years old is middle aged. In fact he'd have to live to be 80 to be middle aged and while that's certainly possible most people die in their 70s. He's probably already getting close to needing reading glasses and they decide to call her a cougar.

 Sometimes I think you guys just say shit you read on the internet without knowing what those words actually mean. If Lewis Hamilton had a 19 or 20 year old son and Sofia Vergara started dating HIM, then she'd be a cougar. Otherwise this is just two old people fucking.

Jennifer Lopez NUDE Bikini Pictures

Jennifer Lopez put on a bikini while she was in Aspen. See? This is that whole bikini thing I was talking about. It's winter in Aspen Colorado right now, why would you even bring a bikini with you? She looks pretty good in a bikini though doesn't she? Not like Eva Longoria but every one is different

Look, if people want to print endless stories about Latina women that are over 40 in bikinis I have absolutely no problem with that but I don't think you guys want to read more than a few of those per day. Do you? Because I'll be honest, I'll write them.

Is Hugh Jackman GAY NUDE

Some Hollywood "insiders" are whispering that Hugh Jackman "may" be gay. I've been saying that for 10 years at least. Much longer than I've actually been writing about my suspicions.  But don't worry they asked Hugh about it and he said, "No I'm not gay, no way" and then he we for a shirtless run with his Speedo wearing younger male personal trainer on the beach. So at least that clears that up.

 

Carrie Underwood Changes?

Some people - crazy shut-ins and fat old women that are drunk by 11am mostly - are complaining that Carrie Underwood has had too much plastic surgery. Did she? Because I can't tell if she did. There were a bunch of pictures of her on the original story but they all looked pretty much the same to me so I picked the one I liked the best. And even if she did she looks great, so what. That's why people get plastic surgery.

There were some pictures from 2005 which are TWENTY years old now when she herself was 20 years old so of course she looks different now that she's in her 40s. Do you even remember even being 20 years old? Anyway I always thought she was hot so maybe I'm biased. Oh don't get me wrong her music is awful but we can get past all that can't we Carrie?

 

 

Keeley Hazell is 38 Years Old

 Keeley Hazell is 38 years old in case you want to know how old Keeley Hazell is. If you want to actually know who Keeley Hazell is, that's someone else's job. That was what this whole story was about and of course there's the obligatory bikini picture. Tune in later for more Keeley Hazell news

 

Miley Cyrus Side Boob

 Miley Cyrus was at The Golden Globes but I don't know why. I also don't know why I'm writing about Miley Cyrus in 2025. But they said she showed "side boob" so why not. I've always said I thought she was hot but in a very "good enough for last call" kind of way. I hope she won her award or whatever but honestly, I have no idea what she even does anymore. 

Eva Longoria Bikini Pics

 Eva Longoria wore a bikini and someone took her picture. Look I know, I'm trying here. It's 2025 now and I swear I'll try to do better but over the last seven days this is just about the most exciting thing I've seen in celebrity "news".  They said she wore this on her holiday in Spain but I thought she moved there. So it's more like her day off in Spain isn't it? I don't "Vacation in Chicago",  I'm already here.

I saved this story to write about on January 2nd and I've seen two other stories about Eva Longoria since then, and they're all about her bikinis, how she looks in her bikinis and how she's going to various beaches while wearing a bikini, so there isn't a whole lot I can do about it and believe me, if I didn't think Eva Longoria was so hot I wouldn't bother. You wouldn't believe how many "Women in a Bikini" stories I actually don't write about. 

Man. Eva Longoria looks good in a bikini though doesn't she? And she'll be 50 years old in a few weeks so some of you youngsters could learn a few things from her

The Big Joe Biden Mystery. NUDE

 

They said Joe Biden had a "mystery mark" on his hand and said no one's sure where he got it. Joe Biden is a 108 year old barely mobile brain stem that doesn't remember he has hands or where the mark came from, why would you know?

Joe Biden doesn't remember where he was this morning, I'm surprised he remembers his own name and for all we know at times he may not.  The problem is, this guy is supposedly in charge and nobody's seen him in any real way in almost six months

Just a couple more weeks and we never have to hear about this guy again.

KRISTIN CAVALLARI NUDE

 Is Kristin Cavallari dating Kevin Costner? Because I thought she wanted to date him. In the last four or five days I've seen at least three stories about this woman, and all she seems to do is go on podcasts and talk about people she's slept with, and her sex life. Which is fine, I'm all about doing your thing but isn't there anything else? It's a very weird universe these B-List "celebrities" live in. I can see why you'd want an attractive blonde on your podcast to talk about sex but Kristin Cavallari talking about who she's fucking this week has got to start getting boring after a while. She's nearly 40 years old, she must have done something else in her life worth talking about