Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Australia Finally Changes Official Name to Murderland

No it didn't really change it's name but maybe it should. Apparently every single living creature there wants you dead.  Should you go insane, and decide to actually leave your house one day to -let's say - go for a swim, you might be murdered by the Box Jellyfish....
...jelly box venom is so overpoweringly painful, that human victims go in shock, drown or die of heart failure before even reaching shore.
The Irukandji Jellyfish can kill you just as dead and whats worse is, it's about the size of your thumbnail. So like a ninja of the sea it's likely you'll be dead and never see it coming.

And all that's just for starters. Spiders, snakes, sharks, everything wants you to die.  Even the fucking ants will kill you. Like the Jack Jumper Ant. It sounds like a fun name doesn't it? You might even want them at your next party, except for one simple fact...
 In individuals allergic to the venom (about 3% of cases), a sting sometimes causes anaphylactic shock.Although 3% may seem small, jack jumper ants cause more deaths in Tasmania than spiders, snakes, wasps, and sharks combined.
The number of deaths between 1980 and 1999 was only six, which seems like an infinitely tiny number until you remember they WERE ALL KILLED BY FUCKING ANTS.

And if all the animals, and fish, and Lord Humungus of Australia don't finally succeed in killing you, maybe the trees will.  That's right the trees.
 The 120-year-old heritage-listed bunya pine in the grounds of the Courthouse Hotel has been dropping huge pine cones. The Baw Baw Council says they weigh up to 10 kilograms each.Mayor Diane Blackwood says the cones are potentially lethal. "These things are enormous," she said. "They are the size of a watermelon, falling literally out of the sky from potentially 20 metres high.
Shit. That was a long way to go for that stupid blurb. I feel like I just had a baby. Now I know exactly how that feels, and what women are always complaining about.

1 comment:

  1. Yes I realized too late I misspelled the Australia tag. Fuck off.