Natalie Portman Dated Moby?

Natalie Portman called musician (is he?) Moby "a creepy old man" with Natalie Portman apparently forgetting that she's very nearly 40 years old. He's 53. I hate to break this to her, but he's solidly in her dating pool now. Even at 37, she's technically old enough to have grandchildren, and I personally know 37 year old grandparents, so I think she's fooling herself. I once saw a woman on a TV talk show refer to herself as a "young girl". She was 43. I admit in this day and age 43 isn't old at all but let's not get carried away. It's entirely possible her comment was taken out of context but too bad, I didn't read the article and I'm not correcting anything here, what are you my editor? No. You're not. I'm my own man baby and I'll massage these stories in any way that benefits me as I see fit.

Miley Cyrus is Sexy?

The airline Miley Cyrus was on lost her luggage, and to prove it she put on a half shirt, and the underwear that your grandma thought was sexy in 1974 and sent this selfie on what I assume is Snapchat and then later posted it on her Instagram. I have one of those Gilligan's Island questions. If they lost your luggage, why do you have a half shirt? Where did you get the "sexy" granny panties? Was that what you were wearing when you got on the plane? You didn't have shoes?  Does she even sing anymore? That's the hotel she's staying in? Doesn't she have $160 million dollars?  And I know it's probably only for a night or two but c'mon. Spring for the place that isn't a flea bag with a heart shaped tub. I have so, so many questions that I'm sure are going to go unanswered.

Emily Ratajkowski Does This

Emily Ratajkowski posed for a naked picture to protest the new Alabama abortion laws because she's dumber than a box of donuts. I'm not sure how this is a protest against anything. This is so mindbogglingly stupid I don't even know what to say. There she is. Naked. Bad Arkansas bad. You're bad so let me take off my clothes. Whatever. I'm done with this idiot.

Lady Gaga is a Risk Taker

Lady Gaga walked around poolside topless because she's daring and controversial. Then after someone took a picture of her being outrageous, she shared it on whatever picture sharing app it was shared on. Instagram? Tic Tok? Who knows, she's so cutting edge, the app she used probably doesn't even exist yet. And yes I realize the name of the app is in the lower corner of the picture but I didn't read it. Hey, I'm a very busy man, and I'm no app scientist here, I just saved the picture.  And I have to be honest, I don't really know why,  but I've never wanted a celebrity to go away this badly before. My theory is because I watched Madonna do all this 20 years ago and Madonna is still (mostly) doing it.  Frankly it's tiresome. Enough already.

Kodak Black Rolling Kind of Loud

 Rapper Kodak Black - aka Bill K. Kapri - was arrested on felony weapons charges before a Hip Hop festival called "Rolling Loud".

...Rolling Loud festival, billed as the largest hip-hop festival in the world, got off to a rocky start Friday night when concertgoers started brawling over reports of shots fired.

Boy, sounds fun. What, no stabbings? Anyhoo back to the story...

 Black, 21, who was also arrested last month at the Canadian border on gun and drug charges, was taken into custody by Miami-Dade police investigators as he arrived at the Rolling Loud hip-hop festival

 These are felony charges by the way. Seven of them. I'll miss him, his face crosses, and his irreverent take on the world today. Maybe he can fill us in in after his 10-20 year vacation.

Happy Birthday Rosario Dawson

Rosario Dawson turned 40 last week and to celebrate she posted some pictures on Instagram. Why not? That's what people do now. Hey,  I remember writing about her before. I've even sent more than one letter to Rosario announcing my intentions but I guess she's dating presidential candidate Cory Booker who I thought was gay. Allegedly. Well if things go sideways there she knows where to reach me.

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!! The second link is fixed

Julianne Moore on a Crazy Plane

Julianne Moore was at the airport. I assume because she was on an airplane, but with the internet and all these apps nowadays who can really say. There was an old saying in Hollywood. "As the men get older they tend to look like Sean Connery. The women too". Maybe they can update it too include Ozzy Osbourne. I feel it reaches a younger, or at least hipper audience.

Hunter McGrady Goes to the Beach

Hunter McGrady is in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. On the beach. And that's all I'm saying about that.

Tilda Swinton is a Faker

The world of entertainment was shocked to find out Tilda Swinton is just two nine year olds stacked on top of one another in a trench coat

Cardi B is in the News

Cardi B dressed like a sexy Teletubby then performed at what looks like a shopping mall. Those places are so confusing, I hope she can remember where she parked. Her car is easy to spot though. It's the black 1998 Impala with 28 inch wheels (Car $1200. Wheels $2800).

No News is Good News

I haven't looked around much.  I know Meghan Markle had her baby but seriously, no one outside of the UK gives a shit, and I'm sure all the news is about the usual suspects so maybe I'll find something later who can say. The world is a crazy place.

Sienna Miller's Boyfriend is a Geek

Sienna Miller got blasted while at a "Pre-Met Gala" party --whatever that means-- that was thrown by Anna Wintour who is apparently famous for running a magazine and being a royal bitch. Boy, sounds like a real fun crowd. Sienna was with her boyfriend and !!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That guy is her boyfriend?! The guy is a fucking geek!! There were four or five pictures of them and he has that expression on his face in all of them. It looks like he just saw a cool, but very loud car accident. And of course his name is Lucas. I would have bet anything his name was Zach but Lucas is close enough. Oh honey you can do better than this. The guy is wearing white tennis shoes for God's sake. I mean what the fuck.Whatever, I don't have to hang out with him.

"You Tuber" Austin Jones Gets 10 Years

You Tube "star" Austin Jones was sentenced to 10 years in prison for child pornography. He was eligible for five years but the judge tacked on another five for still having that haircut at the age of 26...

In 2017, he was arrested on two counts of production of child pornography. Jones admitted to enticing six underage girls to make pornographic videos of themselves and send them to him, according to a plea agreement. The girls were as young as 14.

Ten years is a long time, but who knows. Maybe he can be rehabilitated and when he gets out he can get a normal haircut and live a far more productive life.

Ben Affleck is Always Cold

Ben Affleck still thinks he's Batman instead of some actor people are already slowly forgetting about.

!!!NON-SEXY UPDATE!!! I guess Ben Affleck is still in a bunch of comic book movies? As Batman? I have no idea and since I don't watch those he could invent a perpetual motion machine and I wouldn't know it. But hey,  maybe I'm wrong about people forgetting who he is. If you can call the type of people that go to comic book movies people I guess.

Donna D'Errico Goes to the Beach

Donna D'Errico was on the beach with her stupid billionaire boyfriend (Name unknown. No known Pictures). She's 51 but easily looks 31. She could also be blue or orange for all I care. She was on Baywatch or something but I never saw it, although, now I wish I'd spent more time watching that instead of working on my abs and staying fit and trim. You hear that Donna?

Joe Twitter Dresses Like This

Double standard? Yeah it's a double standard. He owns the whole place so he can show up for work dressed however he wants. I don't, so I can't. That's (just) one of the benefits of owning the whole company. Shit, I was going to link this dumb-asses Twitter account so you could bathe in all the brilliance but I lost the link and I don't want her name permanently in my search bar so if you're ready for more genius go look for it yourself I'm not your butler.

Pierce Brosnan is Suave

Knock it off Pierce Brosnan okay?