Kristin Cavallari Works on Her Sex Life

 Kristin Cavallari is in the news again and this time it's for something other than talking about who she had sex with. At least for now. She was in Las Vegas with a "boy band" and apparently it's made up of a bunch of 45 year old dudes. She's almost 40 now so they're definitely in her age group. Maybe she had sex with all of them so she can talk about it on the next "We're Boring" podcast. 

Guys, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. You don't seriously care what these a-holes do, do you?  I've been doing this in one form or another for like 15 years now at some point... Maybe I'm just in a mood.


SEXY UPDATE!!!

 I guess that's The Backstreet Boys? Like are you fucking serious? It's nice to see the person in charge of their costumes thinks they're making a low budget science fiction movie in 1982.

Cash Warren is a Playboy

Jessica Alba's ex, Cash Warren has a new 26 year old girlfriend. I had to close my browser before I caught her name so I'll just call her Heatherleigh, which seems as likely as anything. She's obviously easily manipulated because she believes Cash Warren is famous for something besides being married to Jessica Alba. And Heatherleigh up there is in for a rude awakening once Cash's spousal support runs out. He won't even be able to buy new chain wallets, he sure isn't going to pay for your Porsche sweetie. 

Still, she's obviously very attractive so I can't really blame the guy.  I mean if I was in his position I'd be dating her too. I've made my position on "age gaps" very clear, but unfortunately for me I wouldn't even know where to meet a 26 year old woman. Will she be in line to see Santa Claus? Shoplifting bracelets from Claire's? It's just one of life's unanswerable mysteries 

 

Brittany Cartwright is Someone

 Brittany Cartwright has a new boyfriend, and if you don't know who she is congratulations, you're normal. I didn't catch his name, because I didn't bother reading the story, but just looking t him I assume it's either Dax, Colton, or Luke. 

They didn't say what they were doing, but if you asked me I'd guess they stopped to collect her "Shittiest New Artist Award" before being the oldest couple in the shopping mall parking lot in their used Nissan GTR to hang out with all the Fast and Furious kids in lime green Honda Civics 

Eva Longoria NUDE BIKINI PICS. Again

Take my word for it, I didn't want to write yet another story about Eva Longoria in a bikini at the beach again,  but you people sure do like to click on them. 

And what exactly does Eva Longoria do that she has an estimated net worth of $80 million dollars? The only thing I ever see get talked about with her is when she's walking around Spain in a bikini. Can you make $80 million dollars doing that?  I assume you can because no one ever mentions her new movies or television shows. 

And let's be real here. Eva Longoria is hot yes, but she's in Spain. Have you ever seen the women in Spain? They say the ladies are insane there, and they sure know how to use it. They don't abuse it. Never gonna lose it. I can't refuse it.

Anyway, you have seen the women from Spain and I bet you don't even know it. My friend Adrian from Mexico said all those Mexican telenovela /soap opera women and those weather girls you see all over the internet all the time aren't actually Mexican, they're Spanish. So in Spain on a scale of 1-10, Eva Longoria is essentially a five. This doesn't change my love for her it's just a reality check. For both of us. You have competition with me now Eva, I'm just saying

 

 

Patricia Arquette Gets Short

 Patricia Arquette cut off all of her hair. I don't know why she did this or why it was considered news, but she did and here it is. I bet she cut it all off so she could play that mean girl's gym teacher in the Porky's remake. I realize everybody gets older but this doesn't even look like the same human being.  And keep in mind she's nearly six years younger than Elizabeth Hurley.

Like William Shatner, maybe they change so much as they age because of the deal they made with Satan to become famous it's really the only logical explanation

Rebekah Vardy NUDE

 Rebekah Vardy put on a bikini and took a picture of herself. Yawn. In case you don't know who Rebekah Vardy is, she's the one in the bikini, duh. I think she's British so I have to assume she's married to a soccer player, and was on vacation in Greece, because that seems to be the only things British people do. That and get falling down drunk in Manchester. 

I hate living in an era when some woman with nice tits can wear a bikini and I have to write about it but I guess I did this to myself. 

Miley Cyrus NUDE

That "Miley Cyrus Nude" title wasn't actually my idea, that was the title of the story where I stole this picture. She actually was nude - kind of- but she was covering her boobs with her arm so she was only nude in the technical sense, and I actually liked the picture of her dressed up like a Deliverance Alice in Wonderland better than the nude one. 

With her hillbilly overbite and narrow, close set eye sockets, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if Miley Cyrus spent her days in the kitchen holding a baby on her hip, stirring some possum grits while her husband was sitting on the front porch in a rockin' chair feudin' shootin' with some still owner beyond the holler but you guys seem to like her. For some baffling reason. 

More Eva Longoria Bikini Pics

Eva Longoria wore a bikini while shopping on a "family getaway" in Spain which is a weird way of saying someone is buying things in a place where they live. She lives in Spain so I don't know why they keep saying that like she's just on an extended vacation. Honestly aside from the fact that she's smokin' hot I don't know why she gets written about so much. Who does she pay for this kind of almost non-stop coverage?  Is being hot enough?  How many paparazzi photographers are running around in Spain looking for Eva Longoria? 

Also what the Hell is she shopping for. Whatever she's holding looks exactly like the kind of thing you'd buy in Spain since I can't think of one thing Spain produces besides Spaniards, olives, and the $1 plastic crap Europeans are constantly waving during soccer games 

Also there's something wrong with the way the site is formatting these paragraphs so I'll just end it here since no one reads this crap anyway.  I love you Eva.

Padma Lakshmi Smokes

 Padma Lakshmi put on a bikini and no one mentioned why but honestly she doesn't need a reason. She's 54 years old, why do Gen X people look so good so deep into their 50s and even 60s. Is it something in the water? Maybe it's all that drinking from a garden hose and playing with Jarts I don't know.  She doesn't look 25 but frankly she looks better than a 25 year old. 

Give me a break,  how many 25 year olds even look like that? I see 25 year olds in the gym every day and I promise you NONE of them look like that. 

Personally I think anyone over 40 looks better with shorter hair because long hair on women is for 9 year olds that want to play princess tea party or religious lunatics, but I'm pretty sure I could deal with her choice.

 

 

Modern Family NUDES

 Ty Burrell talked about why he left Hollywood for Utah when Modern Family went off the air. "To raise my family" he said. Okay? Happy now? 

This show went off the air six years ago. If it wasn't for Julie Bowen and Sofia Vergara nobody would give a fuck. I didn't even know that guy's real name until I wrote this. Get a life. This is why the world is in the state it's in. You people spend all your time talking about middling television shows that went off the air, five, ten sometimes even 20 years ago. 

I get it if you enjoy stuff because it's kind of cheesy like Mannix or Barnaby Jones, or The Love Boat or something but otherwise this was just some prime time sitcom. Here's an idea. Go for a walk. It doesn't have to be far start out by going to the corner and back. Look at a bird, maybe pet your neighbor's dog, because I promise. They're never going to stop making shitty television shows and they're all pretty much the same. You think Modern Family is the first - or last - sitcom that's going to make jokes about having kids? It wasn't and it's not going to be.

Michael Biehn Gets Hosed

 Someone took a picture of Michael Biehn and said he was "unrecognizable" and they're right. I wouldn't have known who that was. Mostly because I swear to God I thought he died 10 years ago for some reason. I'm not trying to be mean but so help me I was told he died so I wouldn't have thought to ever pay attention for him. I guess that's the Mandela Effect I don't know.

They didn't mention what he was doing but judging by the stuff in the background I'd say he was at Home Depot or Lowe's and he has one of those garden hoses that shrink when you turn off the water and those things are total garbage. I bought and returned three of them before I learned my lesson. They tear, they leak, they don't last more than a couple of months at best. I had one that was fine until I turned on the water. I took it out of it's box, hooked it up, turned it on and it immediately sprung a leak. So I bought it, hooked it up and returned it all within a span of about 90 minutes. Meanwhile I bought one of those old school green rubber hoses like everyone had in the 1970s three or four years ago and just leave it outside all year 'round and it's been absolutely fine. 

I don't know maybe he's a millionaire because those things aren't exactly free and maybe he just doesn't care. I'm glad you're still alive Mike. You're on your own with the hose thing though.

 

Site Update

 ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION

I have stuff pre-written for tomorrow because I'm working at a job where I won't have much access to a PC or even my phone so everyone needs to come visit tomorrow! It'll be fun!! Or don't. Really at this point I've been doing those for so long in one form or another I honestly don't care anymore. I feel like one of those guys in WWII that's seen one too many battles so in a way, I'm very much a hero