Assassins!

Professional idiot Kim Kardashian was "flour bombed" last night, or as disgusting fat ass Kim  would like to call it, attacked with an unfinished cake. Someone was just trying to find the wet spot I guess.

The attacker's motive remains unclear. TMZ reports that she screamed "fur hag" at one point. She was taken into custody briefly, but Kardashian declined to press charges and she was released, TMZ also reported.

After she was powdered, Kardashian--the celebrity people love to hate and hate to love--was wisked to an anteroom where she removed her flour-doused coat. She brushed the flour out of her locks and then returned to the red carpet to promote the launch of her new fragrance, "True Reflection."

I don't know who did this. I do know it was a woman, and I think I saw a picture of her but I got sick of looking for more information about her so if you find anything just let me know Be sure to send it to deceiverjr@gmail.com so I can delete it that much faster.

Actually Mr. Smart Ass....

I do.  And it's the original one with my cute little foot prints on the back. I had to show it when I went on a cruise, and when I went to Jamaica. Then I needed it to apply for a passport (I think), and for a few other reasons that escape me right now. But I have it. And I could produce the original within an hour if I had too. Just sayin'.

Miley Cyrus is Still an Asshole

After being photographed parking in a handicapped space so she wouldn't have as far to walk to go "work out" (doing pilates isn't working out by the way) Miley "Pan Face" Cyrus decided to go incognito because the paparazzi apparently aren't too smart and would never think to look for her in a different car right? At the gym she goes too. All the time. I bet after doing her fake work out she just put on her best costume and snuck out right past them. "Hey why is that mule walking out of a pilates studio?" I bet they all said.

I Hate My Heart!

I guess God likes smashing things with a hammer too. Like comedian Gallagher's heart...

His manager, Craig Marquardo, tells TheWrap that Gallagher "had met a few fans and whatnot, and he was in the office (of Hat Tricks) when he felt a little tired. So he went in and sat down, and then (club employees) went in and checked on him and he wasn't feeling good, so they called an ambulance."He was feeling the onset of a heart attack," Marquardo says. "He just didn't know it at the time."

He'll be in the hospital for a few days but he'll be fine. And if he isn't, can you just imagine how fun the funeral is gonna be?  Ray Jay Johnson (You can call me Ray, and you can call me Jay, just be sure to call me an ambulance as fast as you can if I suffer a massive coronary and need to get to the ER today!)  will be there, Rick Dees will perform "Disco Duck," and if you bring some fruit maybe they'll let you smash it up with the coffin lid.

UPDATE!!  I just noticed....Why the fuck does "Disco Duck" have 1.5 million views??

Hot Lesbian Sex With Gillian Anderson

I used this picture because...boobs

Remember that woman from that show that ended 10 years ago? The one that you wonder 'whatever happened to her?' once in a while? The one I always used to think was Ann Jillian? Well if you haven't thought about her for a while (you haven't) you will now because... LESBIANS!  Gee I wonder if that was the plan.

"I was in a relationship with a girl for a long time when I was in high school," the 43-year-old mother of three said, recalling other past relationships that included a "punk rock drug addict" and somebody "way, way older" than her as well.

 The punk rock drug addict sounds interesting, but the way, way older one? Was it her P.E. teacher? You know the ones that always look like a lumberjack? I bet it was. And if lesbians are all it takes to get your name in the news, E! coulld do a cover story about me, just check out my bookmark folder labeled "Auto Parts" that fucker is full of lesbians.

Cable Was Out

I had a Pulitzer Prize winning story all ready to go in my head. It was gonna be big. Then someone "Cut a fiber optic line" owned by my cable company so I had no service all day and I forgot what the story was about. So maybe I'll find a new one tomorrow.

Name Five Bruce Springsteen Songs. No Cheating!

That's Bruce Springsteen on the cover of Newsweek from 1974. Someone that's 17 years old today would consider me old and in 1974 my mother was 24 years old. This is what a computer looked like in 1974. You could still buy one of these in 1974.

With Bruce Spingsteen's "Wrecking Ball" hovering around number 11 on iTunes, this guy is wondering if Bruce Springsteen fans are just too old to download it, and would prefer to buy the actual, physical CD.

You know... Because they're old.

What it does say about Springsteen’s fans is that they are not downloaders. This is something that should set off light bulbs at record companies. Tony Bennett’s fans aren’t downloaders either. But he’s sold bucketloads of his “Duets II” albums. Physical CDs are still in high demand for people 40 and older. They want the CD package in their hands–a souvenir, evidence of something they’ve purchased, an addition to a collection of past CDs of their favorite artists. Also, they still don’t really get the technical part of downloading music.

 For comparison he threw Tony Bennett in there as an example. A guy my grandmother loved. I won't argue with him that some of the fans of Bruce Springsteen are too old to get all this "newfangled computeratin' stuff" because it's probably true. After all someone that was just 30 years old and probably a hip young partyin' type when Bruce Springsteen's first album was released on January 5, 1973 would be sixty nine years old this year. Don't think that's old? Get caught behind them in traffic some day. Or stand behind them at one of those Chinese Super Computers otherwise known as an "ATM Machine". 

But I would also have added that maybe, just maybe,  no one gives a shit about Bruce Springsteen anymore. Ask any 20 year old today who Bruce Springsteen is. Or Paul McCartney. Or Mick Jagger. Most of them won't know who they are. If they do know of them it'll be by name only. They'll know of them the way my friends knew of Glenn Miller.

Bruce Springsteen, along with the rest of those geriatrics, are nothing more than oldies acts. They're todays version of Buddy Holly, or The Big Bopper. Any day now you'll start seeing those guys crop up in commercials about reverse mortgages, and non-slip shower liners in commercial breaks during "Judge Judy". Hey I don't want that either. Personally, I'd rather they just go away.

Because if I have to hear "Born to Run"one more time I'm pouring sugar into the gas tank of the first Buick LeSabre I see.

HAHA! HAHAHA! Awesome.

I should start this by saying I've never listened to even one second of Rush Limbaugh. I'm not even sure I've ever heard the sound of his voice, so take that for what it's worth.  But it seems he's gotten himself into a spot of bother (That's right. I type in an English accent) by calling some woman, somewhere, a slut, or a prostitute, or fat, or something.  And as is usually the case, the internet/Twitter/Facebook went into outrage over-drive, because that's what they do.

And because of that outrage, the internet/Twitter/Facebook, started demanding some sponsors - or more accurately - all sponsors pull all of the advertising off of his radio show. You know, the one that's on 600+ stations, and has around 20 million listeners every day?

By the way. For comparison, that's almost as many radio listeners every day as the number one show on television - American Idol - has viewers. I'm sorry, did I say almost? Because I meant more. A lot more.

And so, violating my first rule of living in the real world which is..."Always Do Exactly the Opposite of What the Internet Tells You to Do", some of them actually started doing just that. Whoops.

Ever hear of Carbonite? The online back-up people? Well they listened. And they were punished. Brutally.  There were about 40 others that followed Carbonite's hasty, not so brilliant plan. And quickly realizing their mistake some of them decided it was in their best interest to start observing my "1st Rule of Living in the Real World".

But just like being caught having sex with a fat girl, it's something you can never undo, or live down, and people like Rush Limbaugh, and my friends Joe and Bobby apparently, have very, very long memories.

 The rift between Sleep Train Mattress Centers and Rush Limbaugh apparently became permanent today after Limbaugh reportedly turned aside the Sacramento retailer's attempt at a truce.  Limbaugh rebuffed Sleep Train's request that the controversial radio host resume his duties as a paid spokesman for the company.

Gee that's a shame. Sleep Train Mattress Centers certainly has a right to stop advertising on a radio show they may disagree with no matter how stupid a decision that may be, but that radio show then can always tell them to go pound sand when they come crawling back. It's funny how the "1st Amendment" works both ways whether you like it or not. And that's not all.  Because most, if not all of them will likely come back. Or at least try to come back.

"Life will go on; Rush will continue," Michael Harrison, publisher of talk-radio trade magazine Talkers, tells Talking Points Memo. His show has 20 million weekly listeners. "It's one of the, if not the most, successful talk shows in America." With numbers like Limbaugh has, his show "could survive for a long time without advertisers" if need be.

I think the most important lesson here, besides not letting your emotions - or for the love of God - the internet make your business decisions for you is... If your gonna be spending the afternoon drinking with friends stay away from the fat girls. Because you might make a mistake that you'll never, ever hear the end of.  And you'll definitely live to regret it.

Read more here: http://www.sacbee.com/2012/03/08/4323061/limbaugh-rebuffs-attempt-by-sleep.html#storylink=cpy"Life will go on; Rush will continue," Michael Harrison, publisher of talk-radio trade magazine Talkers, tells Talking Points Memo. His show has 20 million weekly listeners. "It's one of the, if not the most, successful talk shows in America." With numbers like Limbaugh has, his show "could survive for a long time without advertisers" if need be.

Australia Finally Changes Official Name to Murderland

No it didn't really change it's name but maybe it should. Apparently every single living creature there wants you dead.  Should you go insane, and decide to actually leave your house one day to -let's say - go for a swim, you might be murdered by the Box Jellyfish....

...jelly box venom is so overpoweringly painful, that human victims go in shock, drown or die of heart failure before even reaching shore.

The Irukandji Jellyfish can kill you just as dead and whats worse is, it's about the size of your thumbnail. So like a ninja of the sea it's likely you'll be dead and never see it coming.

And all that's just for starters. Spiders, snakes, sharks, everything wants you to die.  Even the fucking ants will kill you. Like the Jack Jumper Ant. It sounds like a fun name doesn't it? You might even want them at your next party, except for one simple fact...

 In individuals allergic to the venom (about 3% of cases), a sting sometimes causes anaphylactic shock.Although 3% may seem small, jack jumper ants cause more deaths in Tasmania than spiders, snakes, wasps, and sharks combined.

The number of deaths between 1980 and 1999 was only six, which seems like an infinitely tiny number until you remember they WERE ALL KILLED BY FUCKING ANTS.

And if all the animals, and fish, and Lord Humungus of Australia don't finally succeed in killing you, maybe the trees will.  That's right the trees.

 The 120-year-old heritage-listed bunya pine in the grounds of the Courthouse Hotel has been dropping huge pine cones. The Baw Baw Council says they weigh up to 10 kilograms each.Mayor Diane Blackwood says the cones are potentially lethal. "These things are enormous," she said. "They are the size of a watermelon, falling literally out of the sky from potentially 20 metres high.

Shit. That was a long way to go for that stupid blurb. I feel like I just had a baby. Now I know exactly how that feels, and what women are always complaining about.